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Nobume carries herself with the confidence of someone raised by crows and a forest of wild animals. Kagura is a stark contrast, she notices. Bright in every sense; from the color of her hair and the light her eyes reflect, to the happy yet wise tone of her voice. Nobume has no friends, but if she did, she would like this alien girl to be one of them.
How does one call this sentiment, when you want to be part of something but lack the emotional drive to try?
They meet often enough, around bakery shops where Nobume always catches Kagura staring and drooling, and something very small beats loud in her ears. And often enough, Nobume will end up buying donuts for two (for twenty, more likely, because it’s not just anyone, it’s them).
“You ever had sukonbu?” Kagura’s eyes are the most intense Nobume has ever had pinning her down, in the good way; she thinks those eyes could ask for anything and get positive answers (so, dangerous eyes, in a way). She shakes her head because her mouth is stuffed with sweets.
Kagura makes a big ‘o’ with her lips and runs off to the nearest store, loudly commanding Nobume to “Stay right where you are!” and she is back in a flash, shoving a green, bitter piece of something in her mouth. Nobume isn’t used to casual, non-aggressive contact; she is not used to the sudden sting of bitterness that hits her tongue after the sweet of her pastries. She is not used to the eyes that keep pinning her down.
And frankly, this sukonbu thing is terrible, but Kagura is trying to pay back for all the donuts Nobume has bought for her (for them; because it’s a shared moment that she unconsciously treasures, and she thinks Kagura pays back just by eating with her). So Nobume closes her eyes and nods her head, and finishes the bitter candy, maybe even asks for more.
It’s the quietness of them enjoying things together that makes the gross old man snack taste nice. That, and Kagura’s satisfied look when Nobume takes the box home.
xxx
“I think I should let my hair grow.” Kagura says one day while they’re sitting at the park. She looks at Nobume waiting for an answer. This is what friends do, Nobume thinks, they share mundane things, they comment on things that don’t really matter. Her heart beats heavily.
“It would suit you.” Probably anything would suit her; she has the kind of face, Nobume says mentally, that would look nice no matter what. “I’ve been thinking about cutting mine.” It’s not true, but she wants to make conversation.
“Don’t cut it. It looks perfect the way it is.” It’s only then that Nobume notices, Kagura’s hair is already quite long, the strands that frame her face reach her shoulders, almost. Nobume could reach and measure it, but she doesn’t, she keeps her hands on her lap.
Kagura smiles and the world goes silent.
xxx
After Sasaki’s death Nobume tries hard to keep things together. The Mimawarigumi is what Sasaki dedicated his life to, and she feels a responsibility with every member.
“We are just not needed anymore.” and “Thank you for everything, Vice-Captain.” Nobume hears these things every day and wishes she knew how to answer, how to assure them that yes, they are not needed anymore (it’s been a year since the Shinsengumi came back and they’re doing fine, and Edo is at peace with Katsura as its leader, but Sasaki’s will…
“Being someone people look up to is not easy,” Kagura says. They’re at the park again; Nobume buying sweets they share wordlessly. “Gin-chan told us he was once the header of a whole squad during the war.” She looks guilty, like she knows the Amanto destroyed more than just landscape, like she carries part of the blame. But it wasn’t her fault, Nobume wants to say, and I’m glad you came to earth. But she keeps quiet, since Kagura is sharing something important. “He said it was very hard.”
“I just,” she stops, because she can’t quite put her finger on why the idea of the Mimawarigumi disbanding is so grim, so dark. What is she going to tell Sasaki next time she visits his grave? “I don’t want them to give up yet.”
“I think as long as you don’t give up, they’ll see it’s worth it to keep trying.” Kagura flashes one of her particular smiles. Nobume is sure she has seen it many times, but every one of them is different, special in a way that makes her feel special. “After all, a bunch of people are only as good as their leader. You are a good leader; they will see that.”
It still leaves her breathless, how Kagura keeps having this blind faith in her (“Nobume is not a bad person” she once said, but how would she have known?). It keeps Nobume strong, and her chest swells with affection and gratitude she didn’t think she was capable of feeling.
xxx
For many months, Nobume makes sure to visit Sasaki’s grave in the dead of night. He was a well-loved man, and for him, even after death, there seemed to always be people pooling around. The night has never bothered her, being alone has never bothered her, and she lights a candle and re-learns how to speak to him.
At first it’s lonely, awkward; she can’t bring herself to say more than a general report on how the Mimawarigumi members are doing after being left leaderless. With time, though, she finds one easy subject to tell the stone about: there is a girl with the brightest hair and big, blue eyes. Nobume tells him about snack breaks, about making new friendships and walking the biggest dog she has ever seen (she’s not fond of dogs, but this one isn’t so bad), about bitter seaweed and red, red sunsets, and becoming better because someone believes she can.
xxx
Soyo comes back to Edo three years after her brother’s death. She is changed on the outside, with a more mature and rather authoritarian look on her face, but as soon as she spots Kagura and Nobume within the crowd that welcomes her home, her face softens and her smile lights up the room.
She tackles Kagura in one swift movement, and Kagura laughs and pretends to fall on her back (pretends because Nobume knows Kagura can carry a giant boulder with her bare arms, so lifting a lost princess is probably no issue at all). Nobume stays at the sides, hiding a smile behind a bouquet of bright lilies Kagura and her bought for Soyo.
“Kagura-chan, you are so tall!” Soyo has to look up at her still best friend. It’s true, Nobume thinks. Kagura is tall, and her hair is long, and her aim is better.
“Soyo-chan, you haven’t grown a bit!” it’s said innocently enough, but Soyo pouts, Kagura giggles, Nobume is still holding the flowers with a nervous hand.
She and Sasaki failed to protect Soyo’s brother. Nobume wouldn’t blame the princess (well, not a princess anymore, but just as respected) if she resented them at all.
But Soyo turns to Nobume with the same smile and the same eyes; unwavering and warm. Nobume thinks she might cry. She holds it in.
“Nobume-chan, I’m so sorry about Sasaki-san.” It’s not a fresh wound anymore, but it hurts, just a little. It’s been three years; nobody gives their condolences anymore. Maybe Soyo does resent a bit.
Nobume extends the bouquet, “He died fighting for what he believed in,” for Soyo and her brother and a fair government that would protect the people, “I’m…” an apology dies in her throat. Does Soyo’s wound sting like hers do? Three years in hiding, alone. Some have had it tougher than others.
It’s better now, though. It’s safe and peaceful, and Nobume would like to be friends (again, or for the first time, she’s not sure). But the words are so hard to say.
“Let’s have a slumber party!” Kagura intercepts. Nobume has been staring at the floor. Soyo hasn’t accepted the flowers. “Soyo-chan, where are you staying?”
“The castle isn’t ours anymore, but the beach house was bought by my brother so I can have it for now.” Soyo’s voice is almost diplomatic when she talks about her brother; it stings Nobume’s heart, somewhere.
“That will do.”
Before they leave the airport, Kagura takes the flowers from Nobume; her hand lingers a little bit, reassuring. Give her time, Kagura’s eyes say; beg. Nobume nods. If she has learned anything is that time is a powerful painkiller.
In the end, Kagura drags both Soyo and Nobume by the hand.
xxx
The beach house is beautiful and huge, and each one of them have their own room (though Nobume isn’t sure why she is there at all). There’s a garden and a pond, and the sea is so close they can hear it through the walls.
Kagura can’t stay under the sun for too long, even with her umbrella. The light reflects on the sand and her skin starts aching just enough to be uncomfortable, Nobume can tell by the way Kagura shifts her weight from one foot to the other.
“If it hurts we should just go inside.”
“No, I’m fine. I want to be out here with Soyo-chan.” Nobume shakes her head, but smiles none the less. Kagura’s selflessness is going to be the death of them both. “I just have to stand it until the sun goes down.”
Nobume thinks it’s too cruel, that a girl like Kagura (who loves the sun and the summer and running around outdoors) has to stand the light. She looks at the shore with a mix of frustration and wistfulness.
They’re waiting for Soyo to finish talking to (or getting rid of) her new bodyguards. “At least let’s move to the shade.” Nobume grabs Kagura’s shoulders and walks towards a three. Kagura laughs.
“You are such a worrywart.”
It’s a joke, of course, but Nobume is still holding Kagura by the shoulders and they’re under the shade of a three and the foliage probably hides them from anyone, even Soyo (who might be just a few feet away, Nobume couldn’t be able tell since there’s just so many leaves), and Kagura is looking right into her eyes and the sea is suddenly quiet. Kagura is very tall, their eyes are on the same level.
Nobume is too conscious of her hands, suddenly.
Soyo’s voice brings them back to the real moment; the beach and the slumber party, the foliage. “Kagura-chan?” Nobume lets go so fast, Kagura’s shoulders might as well be lava, “are you sure you can swim?”
Nobume can’t look up. She occupies herself with burying her feet in humid sand. Now that she thinks about it, she hasn’t been to the sea in a very long time.
“Sure! I’ll just wait ‘till the sun goes down a little, but you two, uh, you can go ahead.” Nobume hears but doesn’t look up. Her ears are warm, and she regrets putting her hair up into a ponytail.
“Alright, let’s go, Nobume-san!” Soyo takes her hand, and while they walk towards the shore Nobume looks back to see Kagura waving at them, cheeks red. The sun really is not good for her, Nobume thinks. She doesn’t even feel the burning sand on her feet.
xxx
“You like Kagura-chan, don’t you?” They’re standing where the waves crash and explode in soft foam, Nobume can hear Kagura playing with her giant dog a few meters behind them. She can’t quite make sense out of what Soyo just said though.
Nobume looks at the girl beside her (not really a girl anymore, not after all that has happened (Nobume tastes bile coming up her throat when she remembers it)), and stares for what must become entire hours by the exasperated look Soyo gives her. Her face burns. If she can hear Kagura, then maybe Kagura can hear them too.
Soyo puffs air out of her lungs, “You look clueless.” Nobume pushes her lips together. She’s never been one to deny her own feelings, but she has been known to be slow on realizing them. The water is very cold when it hits her thighs.
“I am sorry,” she doesn’t mean to change the subject, but the worlds come out fast before she can shut her mouth; it’s the reckless bravery Kagura has rubbed off on her. “about Shougun-sama.” The waves burst, Kagura laughs and a dog barks. It’s an eternity before Soyo answers.
“It’s ok, Nobume-san. I don’t blame you, I really don’t.” Soyo bends down and hides her hands underwater “I did, if I must be honest, for a while. But I blamed everyone back then, myself included.” When she brings her hands back up she’s holding a little piece of broken coral, or maybe it’s just a rock, Nobume can’t tell; her heart beats loudly in her ears, “But you are not a bad person, Nobume-san.”
You are not a bad person.
Nobume wonders what good she has done in her life to come across people like these; like Kagura and Sasaki and Soyo, who chose to see the best in her, to look past how dirty her hands are and how desperate she actually is.
As long as you don’t give up, they will see it’s worth it to keep trying, Kagura had told her. Nobume holds on very dearly to every lesson she’s been taught, by the word or by the sword.
“If anyone deserves Kagura’s affection, it’s you, by the way.” Soyo smiles, this time teasing; she has become much sharper. Nobume wants to head right into the open sea and never come out. “I think she likes you too.”
At least the roar of the waves is loud enough, but what if Yato have a more refined hearing? Nobume shakes her head. Soyo cackles, but seems to understand “We’ll talk about it later, though.” She walks out of the water, greeting Kagura, screaming about the piece of stuff she got from the sea (seems like it’s a coral after all).
Nobume is sure she’s unable to face either Soyo or Kagura, so she swims for a few minutes. It’s way harder to swim in the sea than it is to swim in a pond like she used to do when she was very little. The movement of the waves lulls her, and yes; she does like Kagura. She does. Salt water gets in her eyes and it feels horrible, but she does like Kagura.
xxx
The night gets somehow even warmer than the day; they shower, they change, they eat (Kagura stuffs her face, Nobume thinks it’s cute and maybe she stares a little because Soyo looks her way and smirks). It’s an innocent thing, to lay around and tell jokes and make silly comments about how many stars there are in space. Kagura acts smug because out of the three of them she’s the one who has them more clearly.
Until Soyo announces she has the key to the cabinet where the sake is, and wouldn’t it be fun to get a little tipsy?
“It’s fine, we’re old enough.” Soyo waves her hand and brings out three cups. It tastes sweet and stings their nose when they smell it.
“It’s not bad, but I still prefer sukonbu.” Kagura declares. Soyo points out they’re two completely different things, Nobume giggles. She’s only had two cups but her insides are warm and her cheeks feel hot.
“Soyo-chan, bring out the high class make up and put some on my face!” Kagura claps and points to her nose. “Put some on Nobume too, I bet she’ll look like a princess.” Nobume hides her mouth, Soyo looks at her like she’s plotting something grand.
“Why don’t you put it on her, I don’t think I know how to, to be honest.”
So it ends like this, Kagura’s face a few inches away from Nobume’s (she’s suddenly very grateful for the whole sake idea, it’s a good excuse for how red she probably is, and it’s embarrassing; to get this flustered so suddenly, but she doesn’t want it to stop). Kagura bites her lip as she concentrates on putting some paint on Nobume’s eyes.
“Close your eyes. Ugh, I don’t even know how to use these things.”
“Put lipstick on her, see; the red one will look nice.”
Nobume half opens her eyes to give Soyo a glare, and is promptly scolded by Kagura “You made me make the line all crooked.”
“It’s fine.” She can’t help looking at Kagura when she speaks, and their eyes lock, and Kagura was about to grab the lip thing but she has stopped dead on her tracks. Red cheeks and glassy blue eyes are all Nobume sees for a moment. Kagura did grow her hair, like she said she would. Nobume never cut hers.
Suddenly, Kagura storms out and heads right for the bathroom, hysterically saying something about really needing to pee, and sake being gross because it makes her really want to pee, and she drank so much disgusting salt water, she’s gonna pee a lot. Nobume hasn’t heard the world pee used that many times in one sentence.
“See, I told you she liked you too.” Soyo sounds like she’s smiling, but Nobume doesn’t look away from the bathroom door until Kagura comes out and promises to redo her make up.
“This time don’t look away, ok?”
Nobume doesn’t.
xxx
It changes both everything and nothing. Nobume still looks forward to meeting Kagura in the park for their donut break, and Kagura still goes about swearing and picking her nose, and it’s that very same thing that looks so much different now. The familiarity of their actions, the trust in their little touches (Kagura rests her hand next to Nobume’s, Nobume brushes their shoulders together), it all sends electricity through the air.
“Soyo told me she’s been meeting with Zura to keep some of Sho-chan’s old policies.” Nobume nods.
“She would have been a great leader.” They both know Soyo never wanted to take her brother’s place, but people like her, so she’s involved and she’s busy, and there haven’t been any new slumber parties in a while.
“I miss the beach, though.”
Nobume’s stomach flips around every time Kagura brings it up. “It was nice.”
Kagura stretches and plops down on Nobume’s lap, “I’m gonna take a nap.”
It’s all very familiar and yet very foreign, very new. Kagura does fall asleep and Nobume rests a hand on the girl’s forehead. It’s cool with sweat, her hair is soft. They stay like that.
xxx
“Would you come with me to the cemetery?” it’s definitely not a good pick up line, but it means the world to Nobume when Kagura takes her hand and answers cheerfully that yes, of course, she would be happy to.
It’s the first time Nobume visits in broad daylight.
“You don’t bring flowers?” Kagura asks (Nobume can’t fully process things, since Kagura hasn’t let go of her hand).
“No, it already has a lot. I bring his favorite food.” It is, of course, pastries. Sasaki left her with a lifetime of craving for desserts that obviously comes from his own likings.
“That’s sweet of you.” Kagura looks at her like she looked at the sea back then, like she yearns for something within Nobume, and Nobume’s chest contracts, and she hopes she can one day give it to her. Everything. Be a genuinely good person.
They arrive to the grave, Nobume sets down the food without letting go of the hand she’s holding. She’s not one to believe in the afterlife (she’s killed so many people, if ghosts did exist they would be haunting her by now), and she visits more out of respect than anything, but she wonders as Kagura bows down, if Sasaki could see this, if he would be happy for her, or if he would resent her for finding this freedom after not fulfilling their promise.
It’s dark thoughts like these that make her feel safer alone. Until Kagura starts speaking.
“You know; I’ve never visited my Mommy’s grave.” She looks at the flowers when she talks. And there’s that yearning again, and it hits Nobume. I was the same way, Kagura had said ages ago, but here I met everyone, I changed.
And maybe there was a time when Kagura needed the reassurance she always gave, when she needed to be told that it was ok to live however she wanted. Kagura changed Nobume, Sasaki changed Nobume, Nobume changed herself. They are not different, and what Nobume feels even now, the sun burning hotter than years before, Kagura’s hand sweating inside Nobume’s, the beach, the shade of that three, the flowers on the grave. It’s all more vivid. It’s not just some crush, it’s more, it’s hard to put it into words.
“You are not,” Nobume rushes, her voice suddenly louder, “you are not a bad person. And if you want to, to visit your mother’s grave, you should. And if,” she swallows a knot in her throat “if you don’t want to go alone…”
Kagura drops her umbrella, takes both of Nobume’s hands and says cheerfully, red faced and suddenly shaky (Nobume feels the need to move her to the shade of a three), “I would love for you to come along.”
Nobume wants to give Kagura something in return for the chance she was given. For the realization that she was free to live, to change, to become her own person and love the planet she was from. Kagura deserves that very same chance, to let go of rusty ties that still hurt, and Nobume feels guilty for not knowing about it, but she can learn and she can give. She is free to give.