Chapter Text
“That little squirt took down that heartless! Who’d have thought it?” Hades grumbled
“Such is the power of the keyblade...” Jafar mused, “The child’s strength is not his own.”
“Why don’t we turn him into a heartless?” Ursula bursts with laughter, “That’ll settle things quick enough!”
“And the brats friends are the kings lackeys!” Hook notices, “Swoggle me eyes! They’re all bilge rats by the look of them…”
“You’re no prize yourself!” Oogie Boogie jeers at him. Offended, Hook raises his appendage at him.
“Shut up-“
“Enough.” With a wave of her hand, everyone respectfully goes silent for Maleficent to speak. “The keyblade has chosen him. Will it be he who conquers the darkness? Or will the darkness swallow him? Either way, he could be quite use-“
Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door to the rhythm of 'two shaves and a haircut.' Everybody stares at it.
Hades raises a brow. “…Somebody order a pizza, what’s happening?”
“Nobody better have invited that Judge Doom fella, he’s too much of a wildcard even for my tastes!” Oogie cringes.
Exhaling sharply through her nose, Maleficent turns with a swish of her cloak and heads toward the door, drifting up a small stairwell. ”I asked a new protege of mine to come into our meeting halfway. The boy is earlier than expected, though. I highly doubt he’s ignored my requests this early on.”
As she goes to the door and peers through the peephole, Hook slams the tip of his appendage into the table.
“This is unorthodox, we set a starting time for a meeting! Why, if it were one of me own crewmates showing up late and putting the meeting on pause, I’d DRAG THEM INTO THE WATERS AND-“
A palm slams into the door and everyone turns to the witch. Maleficent, Mistress of all Evil, has her eyes wide with a hint of fear in them.
“It’s him.”
…
“…SCATTER!!!” Hook is the first to book it. Unfortunately, his hook is still wedged into the table and he is jerked back, head slamming into the surface.
While he struggles to free himself, others take cover. Jafar flees for the corner of the room behind a dragonesque statue. In a poof of smoke, Hades vanishes. Maleficent drapes her cloak over herself, and her form sinks into the shadows of the ground. Oogie doesn’t even try to run with how small his legs are, simply wedges himself under the table. By now Hook has freed himself, a chunk of table stuck on his hook. He sprints for a potted plant and ducks behind it.
Just about everyone has taken position except for Ursula who continues to relax in her spot.
Jafar hisses to her, "What are you doing?! Go find a fish tank!!"
"And...why do that, deary? Don't tell me you're scared of the little fella."
"Scared?" He screeches a mocking laugh, "If it were any other being with the sense to use such COSMIC POWERS TO CONTROL THE LAND, then yesss, I'd be terrified! But as it is, that ungrateful ingrate just squanders his gifts on party tricks and teeth removal!"
“Oh, none of you are any fun!” She tuts, “I’ve never had a problem with him!”
“Ofcourse you wouldn’t, you dealmakers love causing chaos however or wherever you can make a bargain, breaking the system any way possible”
“Oh? You’re one to talk, Mr. Make me an all-powerful genie! By the way, how’s that working out for you??"
“WOULD YOU SHUTUP?!” They jump and stare up at the ceiling to see Hades has placed himself atop a chandelier. “BEFORE HE HEARS YOU WITH THOSE NONEXISTENT EARS OF HIS!”
A tiny hand rests itself on his shoulder. “Yyyyyeah we wouldn’t want ol’ Bill Cipher in on our super-duper secret big baddie meeting, am I right, Pluto?”
Hades lip curls in disgust. Scoffing, he brushes off the tiny hand and begins to turn his head to the one who dare lays their mitts on him.
“Excuse me. Do I look like a fucking dog to-“ His hair shoots out of his head as his whole body turns red. “YYYYOOOOUUU?!?”
In his rage Hades registers too late that his hair melted through the chain holding him in place. In seconds he's crashing into the ground in a pile of glass, metal, and smoke. Everyone on the ground stares at the smoldering rubble before fearfully looking up at the new arrival, who’s cracking up and swinging his cane around. In spite of the blue jagged scar across his face he looks as giddy as can be to be there.
”HAHAHAHAHA, still a riot as always, Pluto!”
"Bill Cipher.” Maleficent rises from the shadows and nods stiffly. “How gracious for you to gift us with…your presence.”
“It’s the best type of present there is, Mal, baby! HEY-” Bill floats down to her excitedly, shaking with laughter. “-SPEAKING OF PRESENTS AND BABIES-“
Maleficent tenses up.
“-YOU GUYS WANNA HEAR HER ORIGIN BACKSTORY??? CAUSE LEMME TELL YOU IT’S THE PINNACLE OF HILARIOUS ORIGIN STORIES.”
“Bill, don’t you dare.”
“Aw, lighten up Mal! I’m the life of the party so I get where you're coming from. I’d be upset too if a literal baby didn’t invite me to their birthday party. Take it from me, Mal, babies are dumb. You wasted sixteen years to kill a baby with a spinning wheel! Ya shoulda just tossed their body into a planet, that’s what I would have done!”
“Bill!” Ursula waved him over with a tentacle, and he flies at it with a hug.
“Urs!! How’s my favorite pen pal from under the sea??”
“Getting along! Word is that ol’ Tritons been losing sleep in the palace. Supposedly keeps having nightmares over losing his daughters?? You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you, sweetie?”
“Ya know I’m always looking out for ya, Urs! Any of one of these days King Fork in the Road is gonna snap! And when I say snap, I mean snap his daughters' heart and beloved keepsakes, pushing her to make stupid and irrational decisions!”
“Haaaa!" She slaps her knee with a spare tentacle, "This guy, am I right?? What took you so long to get here, by the way? They finally lock you up? That's a nasty cut ya got on you, dearie!"
Bill shudders. "Even worse, they’re keeping me in Theraprism."
"It’s…nice of them to let you out for the day?" Maleficent comments, more out of suspicion than kindness.
"Yes, that is something they chose to do I am here very legally. ANYWAY-"
Hades, who is rising and wiping dust off himself, jerks as Bill slams himself against his face in a bear hug. “Nice to see my ol lifelong pal again, Pluto!”
Hades claws at him, but Bill vanishes in his own poof of smoke. “It’s HADES and you KNOW IT.”
He jumps when Bill appears on his other shoulder. “Not in Roman mythology, it ain’t!”
“Lifelong? Aren’t you trillions of years old?” Jafar asks as he cautiously leaves his hiding spot. “Have you really known Cipher for trillions of years?"
The exhausted look on Hades says it all. It is definitely the face of a man forced to know Bill Cipher for trillions of years.
“Yep, been alive loooong past the usual expiration date! Sure, Pluto's almost gotten me a FEW TIMES, but in the end I’m still kicking! Ain’t that right, Pluto??”
“Haha kick you into the sun is what I’d like to do.” He mutters under his breath as Bill then leans in close to Jafar to squint at him.
“Speaking of death, ya look in the mirror lately, Jaffy? How old are you now?? 80’s? 90’s??”
“Wh-?!" Jafar leans back, offended. "I’m NO WHERE NEAR that old!!”
“Are ya sure about that, buddy?" Bill asks with a look of pity at him, "Cause I’m hearing that you’re SO old, that the sultan was more concerned about your age than your obvious red flag vibes when it came to his daughters' hand in marriage. Hey, didn’t you mind control the guy too? Wow you are literally so old it broke hypnosis!”
“YOU'RE YEARS OLDER THAN I AM!!!”
“But still young at heart!!" Bill says jovially as he floats backwards. "Oh, speaking of young...“
He stops next to the plant where Hook is hiding and turns himself into a ringing alarm clock.
“WHADDUP, JIMMY!!!!”
With a yowl of terror Hook goes flying out of the plant and shoots across the room, crashing headfirst into another plant.
“Ahahah!! Ya see, whether it’s a strapping young triangle such as myself, or a baby with a butterfly for his friend, Jimmy just can’t get with the kids of this generation!”
“Why you-you-you!" Hook shakes his fist, face half covered in dirt and leaves. "IT'S THE BRRRRATS OF THIS GENERATION WHO ARE THE REAL PROBLEM, NOT ME!!"
“Spoken like a true boomer, fish hook!”
Bill suddenly makes a fishing rod appear mid air. It reaches under the table and yanks up Oogie. He screams in terror, patting his back to make sure there’s no rips. Once he's good to go, he turns back and screams again as Bill has apparated in front of him, eye half-lidded.
“Ohoho, you outta be careful there. We wouldn’t want to..." His eye turns dark as does his voice. "TEAR YOUR SKIN APART AND LET LOOSE ALL THE INFESTATION THAT MAKE UP YOUR ANATOMY."
Oogie, trembling and stammering, fakes a smile and an enthusiastic wave. “B-Bill! How nice to see you!!”
Bill, however, narrows his eye and crosses his arms. “Hello….. rival."
“M-m-me?? Rival?? C'mon, Billy boy! I don’t do rivalries!”
Everybody stares at him like he’s an idiot.
”Rivalries for political rights on Halloween Town are different; I mean I don’t do rivalries when it comes to how we both make a living!”
“Mmmmm I dunno." Bill half-turns from him, eye narrowing further in dissatisfaction. "I hear ya still givin out nightmares, and, I dunno how to feel about that...”
“N-Never! Haha, I’d never wanna upstage a man - ehm, being of charm and pizazz such as yourself!!”
After another moment of staring into his soul, Bill's back to giggling and patting Oogie on the head. “Awww you flatter me, Ooger Booger!”
“Haha good one, Bill!!”
“Hey." Hades hisses to Oogie. "Seriously, Oog, you gonna let him besmirch your own name?”
Oogie glances back at Bill and freezes to see he's looking unimpressed again. “Ah, that’s quite alright! You can call me anything you’d like, haha!"
Jokingly, Oogie nudges Bill in the arm and winks. "Except late to dinner -“
Suddenly, Bills's size has increased tenfold, his massive bloody red eye staring down at Oogie with hatred in its path.
“YOU DON'T GET TO USE THAT LINE. U N D E R S T A N D ?”
“YES, SIR.”
”Ahem!” Bill rolls his eye into Jafars direction, shrinking back to normal size. “I’d like to apologize for how I presented myself earlier, it was rather uncouth! Along with the way thisss…misshaped man dares threaten your power! Power, I for one, greatly appreciate and see the benefits it would have in a partnership of equal GAHH!!!”
While Jafar had been kissing up, Bill at some point pulled out a dismembered hand and placed it on the man’s turban. Screeching in disgust, he leaps back and it flops to the table.
”WHAT IS THAT, WHY DID YOU DEFILE MY ATTIRE WITH IT!?”
”Thought you could use a hand to talk to.”
Ursula wheezes like it’s the funniest shit in the world, Oogie nervously yells “GOOD ONE!”
”Don'tcha worry, I picked a young man’s hand too! See? No wrinkles! A good replacement for ya. I’d give ya a second one, but then Jimmy over there will be left with nothing!"
Hook gasps, offended. ”Scoundrel!! That’s in bad taste!!”
”That ain’t what Crocodile Rock said!”
As Hook wails in despair, Bill floats over by Maleficent and goes back to resting on her shoulder, "Listen, Mal, I think before we get this going you outta be aware of the ant infestation you had 10 minutes ago!"
Her eye twitches. "...Had?"
"Yeah, that's why I got here late! I parked my pyramid into your garage tower-“
”I don’t have a garage to park in.”
”Ok, so like, crashed it really, and the whole place was SWARMING WITH THEM! So, I did what any good Mister of all Evil would do and INCINERATED THEM!! It wasn't just ants either! There were flying ghost octopi, these freakin wyverns!! The knights of the round table, but if they were like rats with wings? The visible wizard, a decapitated dog shield. Some mushroom people so YA GOT LITERAL CRACK HEADS LOITERING AROUND. Point is hun, I did you a solid and imploded them each so there ain't even a speck left of them!"
...
"...Bill...Those were the heartless...our army."
...
"...PFFFFFFFT!!" Bill tries covering his eye to muffle his laughter. "TH- HAHA - THOSE ARE THE HEAR - YA PLANTED ANT NESTS TO BUILD YOUR ARMY??"
"FOOL!!!" Maleficent roars as emerald fire shoots out of her body. "THOSE WERE THE SHADOWS OF TRUE DARKNESS!! I SPENT YEARS HARNESSING MY POWERS TO SUMMON THEM FROM WITHIN THE DOORS OF KINGDOM HEARTS!!!"
Bill rolls his eye and sighs. "Oh great, we still doin the Kingdom Hearts bit, huh?? Look, Mal, I've told you before and I'll say it again, just gimme a gun and I'll blast off the brats' head! Sora? More like soaring heads!"
"THIS ISN'T ABOUT JUST TAKING OUT THE KEYBLADE!!!" She bellows as her form stretches high, like she's gradually changing form. "THIS IS ABOUT ME, OBTAINING THE HEART OF ALL WORRRRLDS!"
"Is that what Kingdom Hearts is? To be honest, it never made sense to me. And I'm Bill Cipher. Like. if something doesn't make sense to me that's when you KNOW it's weird."
"THE POINT IS YOU DON'T DARE CHALLENGE MY PLANS AT THIS MOMENT! UNLESS..." Her horns begin to extend, her teeth sharpen as she contemplates to continue changing her body.
"YOU'D RATHER SEE MY OTHER FORM? I MOST ASSURE YOU...IT IS CONSIDERED BY MANY TO BE UNPREFFERABLE…”
She towers over Bill with one last warning glare. Down below, he seems to be trembling under her shadow.
...But it's not fear? In fact, there's a hint of pink under his eye.
“….I’d prefer to see it, actually.”
Everybody groans in disgust and Bill snaps at them.
“WHAT?! It’s a dragon, WHAT AIN'T HOT ABOUT THAT?! LITERALLY AND ATTRACTIVELY SPEAKING!!”
She shrinks back down to her regular size, rubbing her forehead. "ENOUGH. Since you put in the effort for this trip, let us continue where we were!"
"Sounds wonderful!!" He smiles with his eye, but snaps his fingers as if to say 'Almost got 'em!'