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Goji swished his tail, bored after releasing another chapter of his Godzilla AU. He wanted something to do online, something amusing. He glanced at Katy’s old fics, seeing the lawsuits in Judge Abe’s court, then saw the ferocious custody battles over Broken Reality, among other things.
Hmmm…he should find a way to join that. And wait, didn’t Gentry and Katydid sue each other? And wasn’t he Gentry? (He wasn’t, but had been for a time while the actual Gentry pretended to be someone else while in Owl’s vault.) Had Gentry ever declared he wasn’t? Well then, the answer was obvious! He should sue Katydid!
After researching he failed to realize he wasn’t Gentry at the moment. But he did realize something else: Katydid had helped him create The Darkest Valley . She had encouraged the idea, and encouraged his hard work. And yet, she had not given him sufficient child support! For this, she would (literally) pay!
So, he filed suit in Judge Abe’s court and waited. Yes, now the lawsuit of the century would begin…
Katydid twitched her wings, mildly singed after having defeated yet another assassination attempt by her characters. An entire horde had been after her this time, with the characters from World Heroes Mission in the lead. Rody had screamed at her over the fic where All for One fathered him while Pino had nearly eaten her. Beros had shot many exploding arrows while shouting about Botan’s suffering. The last arrow had contained a letter rolled up and attached to a pouch on the side.
The parchment might be poisoned. Using a stick, Katydid rolled it open.
Dear Katydid,
The “Author Gives Various Unlucky Characters the Worst Birthday Gift Ever” Club is unionizing.
P.S. The poison is airborne.
Katydid yelped and died.
A few minutes later, Katydid revived thanks to the time reversal she’d saved from one of her Choose Your Own Adventure fics.
Those insolent rebels! She would do her worst to them (except she’d already given them All for One as a father). Why didn’t they understand that making them suffer was how she showed her love? Each of them had gotten the spotlight in their own fic. Some characters would be grateful although she couldn’t name any off the top of her head.
The birthday club had a lot of members. Katydid shuddered. The Izukus Union had already proven crafty enough in their assassination attempts. Even an indestructible insect didn’t want to deal with nearly everyone with a birthday in the My Hero Academia universe coming after her.
Another piece of mail had arrived on her desk while she’d been dead. Katydid probably shouldn’t open this one, but curiosity was an author’s vice. Besides, she could always revive again.
The letter did not appear to be poisoned this time. It read:
Dear Katydid,
I am suing you for fic child support for “The Darkest Valley” since it was inspired by “Fear No Evil.” Judge Abe has already agreed to hear the case.
Sincerely,
Gentrychild
How dare someone sue her for the same reason she’d sued someone else first? Katydid tilted her head. Gentrychild had not written “The Darkest Valley,” that had been Goji…wait a moment…Goji must have gotten confused with Gentrychild again. It happened sometimes on tumblr.
It already stung that the birthday club had taunted her about failing to defeat Gentrychild in court. Now she had another court case. Hmm, it would probably be easy to ignore this on the grounds it had been sent by a confused person pretending to be someone else.
Wait.
Sapphire hadn’t been created by Katydid, she was Goji’s. And Botan was in Goji’s fic too! Which was even longer than Katydid’s! And recently Nana attacked her over “Make Your Own Karma” even though Goji’s ideas were so instrumental to that chapter he could have been a co-author.
Yes. Goji had caused her great suffering, taking her characters for himself and reveling in the fun without suffering the assassination attempts! He was so determined to have the fun without the hardship, he hadn’t even posted many of the fics he’d sent her!
Although Katydid had no desire to ever face the magnificent eldritch owl in court again, she would happily redeem herself from her previous loss on Firebreath instead. Yes, he would pay . Katydid filed her counterclaim for her own fic child support with Judge Abe and sent the notice to Goji. She cackled maniacally.
A box crashed through the window and landed on the desk. It was addressed from the Izukus Union. Oh, dear, they had found out about the return of the Flaming Potato series and the dreaded AFO/Endeavor ship.
The box ticked. Katydid ducked for cover.
Too late. The box exploded, killing her for the second time today.
Goji went about writing another chapter in the Godzilla AU, imagining all the horrible screams of the characters and readers as Godzilla and Rodan unleashed their wrath upon the populace while having the pettiest brawl to ever–
A note appeared on his computer. “That’s odd.”
On it was a counterclaim in Judge Abe’s court? Where Katydid declared that she was owed fic child support for the entire character of Sapphire Fey ?! He named Sapphire! He actually wrote her! She was barely a concept in A Tale of Two Sociopaths !
Sure, he might have started this fight (as the Temporary Gentry) but this was too far!
Goji then looked at some of his more recent non-MHA fics. He smiled. He might have a few tricks for her. He’d shared his writing with Katydid, shared his brainpower. And now she thought to sue him? And then there was her greatest insult of them all: Godzillas do not breathe fire, they breath radiation!
It was time for her to know his wrath. He sent back a single message.
See you in court cricket.
Judge Abe presided over her massive podium. She spun her gavel between her fingers as she glared at her creator. “You again?”
From her perch on the pews, Katydid sighed. “I think this is very unfair too. I lost the last fic child support case so how can I possibly be sued for it? Doesn’t that mean the entire concept of fic child support is invalid?”
“Just because you lost doesn’t mean no one else can sue ever again. Besides, aren’t you countersuing for fic child support on–” The judge looked down at the list on her desk. “–a lot of other fics?”
“I’m covering my bases.” Katydid smiled winningly. (It looked very odd on an insect's face.) “If I lose then I’ll squeeze even more compensation out of Goji.”
“You could have at least brought along the love of my life as your lawyer if you were going to drag me to another courtroom.” Judge Abe scowled at Lawyer Yoichi. “How did you possibly find a Yoichi willing to represent you after everything you’ve done to him?”
Yoichi from Nobody in Control adjusted his bowtie. “As a lawyer, I believe that every bit of scum, no matter how vile, worthless, evil, and unrepentant, deserves representation in court.” In a lower voice, he added, “Unfortunately.”
“Why do none of my characters understand that I only hurt them because I love them?” Katydid sighed.
“Now you sound like my brother.”
Judge Abe looked around. “Where is the other side?”
When a Godzilla lookalike blew open the door to her courtroom, Judge Abe didn’t even blink. “Keep in mind that setting fire to the courtroom is illegal.”
“What’s the policy on radiation?” Goji asked.
Judge Abe considered it. “I can’t be harmed by anything in this room, and I don’t care about Katydid.”
“Hey!” a small insect yelped while Goji bared his fangs.
“However, it would ruin Yoichi’s perfect hair, so not allowed.”
Goji snapped his fingers. Rats. At that moment, the walls shuddered as they had in the last court case.
“Objection! He’s not the real Gentry!” Yoichi cried.
Goji looked at tumblr. “Oh right.”
And at that, the rats stopped pounding on the walls.
Judge Abe slammed her gavel down. “Order in the court! I’m bored of all trials without my favorite Hell Lawyer, so I’m going to skip a lot of formalities. Who’s going to give the opening statement first?”
“I’ll let probably not-Gentrychild over there do it.” Katydid shuffled her wings and glanced nervously at the artificial windows letting in no light. “Nothing in here can enter without your permission, correct?”
“Correct, Your Honor,” Judge Abe corrected.
“But you’re the judge, not me.”
“Forget it,” Judge Abe sighed. “No one can enter my domain without my permission. I’ve shored up my defenses since the ‘Cinder’ incident. I’ll allow you to call witnesses, of course.”
“But they can’t show up on their own.” Katydid laughed nervously. “I’m not even the one who started the court case this time. Let Goji establish his case first.”
“You’re never so generous.” Judge Abe raised an eyebrow. Everyone in the courtroom stared suspiciously.
“Nonsense, I shared All for One as a dad with an entire universe.” Katydid twitched away from the window. “Which…might be my problem right now…Anyway, I hope that this trial goes on for a long, long time. With many witnesses. Why, I could hide in this nice, safe room forever!”
“Okay.” Judge Abe’s eyebrow raised even higher. “Goji, you have the floor.”
Goji cleared his throat, carefully avoiding setting anything on fire. “Ahem, esteemed members of the court, and Katydid–”
“Objection Your Honor!”
“Are you ready to argue that you are, in fact, esteemed?” Goji asked.
Katydid lowered her little insect limb while Lawyer Yoichi pulled her back. “Stop. Talking,” he said, in the long suffering tone of a lawyer who’d been through far too many dumb clients. Then he said, “Objection withdrawn.”
“As I was saying,” Goji said, “I am but a humble writer, enjoying my hobby in peace and tranquility. The evidence will show that I have been more than kind to Katydid, giving her time, brainpower, and even samples of my fics so she can enjoy them and create her own.”
Goji dipped his head. “And yet, when she helped me conceive of ideas like The Darkest Valley , she has refused to take responsibility! Instead she has left me alone, to shoulder this painful burden myself! Not only that, but she then says I owe her, something the evidence today will show has no basis in fact!”
His gaze swept over the courtroom. “For this reason, she must be burned in nuclear fire –sorry wrong speech. For this, she must be held accountable and forced to give me child support. Meanwhile her spurious and nonsensical claims against me should be dismissed immediately and sent to the ash heap of Tokyo–I mean history!”
Judge Abe leaned her chin against her hand. “Do you have a rebuttal, Katydid? It would be hard to be less convincing than the speech threatening to murder everyone, but I’m sure you can manage it.”
Katydid glanced nervously at the fake windows. A shadow seemed to pass over one. There was a brief flash of flame. Soft, hateful hisses leaked through the window frame. Katydid twitched and materialized a giant book. “Well, Prince, Genoa and Lucca are now no more than private estates of the Bonaparte family.”
“Objection!” Goji cried. “Your speech makes even less sense than mine. At least I stuck to the topic at hand.”
“He’s right, what are you doing?” the judge demanded.
Katydid tried to hide the giant book behind her very small body. “Reading War and Peace .”
“Why?”
“Because it’s one of the longest books in existence, and I want this trial to last a very long time.”
Judge Abe scowled. “I don’t. Stick to the topic, defendant.”
“You mean like the law?”
“Yes.”
“Alright. US Code Title 26, chapter 1, Subchapter A Part I: here is hereby imposed on the taxable income of- (1) every married individual (as defined in section 7703)-”
“What are you doing now?” Judge Abe said.
“Reading from the relevant law, or in other words the entire federal tax code. Then I’ll read the parts pertaining to child support-”
“Focus on the topic at hand, the My Hero Academia fanfics!”
“Fine. Then I’ll find the longest My Hero Academia fanfic in existence. Nice, I see nearly four million words–”
The judge slammed down her gavel. “No reading other people’s fanfics!”
“What about my own fanfic? Hmm, it looks like ‘Forgiveness is the Attribute of the Strong’ is the longest but if I take into account entire series length–”
“No reading your own fanfic either!” Judge Abe aimed her gavel menacingly. “Seriously, what are you doing?”
Katydid gazed up, looking as innocent as an insect with multifaceted eyes (and a lot of crimes) could manage. “I’m just enjoying the lovely company of my favorite original character and my dear friend Goji for as long as possible.”
The judge harumphed, slightly appeased by flattery. “Didn’t your good friend threaten to burn you to ashes?”
“There are slower and more painful ways to die.” Katydid cast another nervous glance at the window.
“And I used the wrong speech,” Goji protested.
Something smacked against the side of the courtroom, sending the desks rattling. Judge Abe scowled and narrowed her eyes. A glowing blue light passed over the courtroom, then all was calm again. “Whew, that was a lot of power.” The judge wiped her forehead. “Nothing my reality bending couldn’t handle.”
“It felt like a blow from Ghidorah,” Goji said.
“It felt like the combined rage of the entire Izukus Union after finding out about the All for One/Endeavor ship, possibly after being forced to personally witness the ship,” Katydid said.
Both turned to look at her. “That was an awfully specific comparison,” Judge Abe said.
“It was, wasn’t it?” Katydid looked away.
“Anyway, your statement?”
Katydid fluffed out her wings. “I fully deny any responsibility for ‘The Darkest Valley.’ I never even considered making Kaina and Beros into sisters. If I had written it, then there would have been way more tormenting of All for One. Finally, I only brainstormed with Goji on a story called ‘Fear No Snipers.’ I’ve never even heard of ‘The Darkest Valley.’”
“Hey! I told you I was changing the title!” Goji yelped.
Judge Abe said, “Only one lie in Katydid’s opening statement is as good as we’re going to get. It’s now time to summon the first witness. Who goes first?”
“Not me,” Katydid said immediately.
“You were a lot more eager last trial.” Judge Abe glared suspiciously. “You’re almost acting like an entire multiverse is hunting you down to kill you.”
“What an oddly specific claim to make.”
“It is, isn’t it?”
“All my characters can’t be out to kill me–you’re here,” Katydid pointed out.
“I wouldn’t kill you when you’re providing me with such great drama.” Judge Abe turned to Goji. “The first witness is yours.”
Goji then said, “Defense…offense…which am I? Anyway, I call…Ochako Uraraka from the Heroes and Monsters AU!”
With a pounding of the gavel, Ochako appeared. She did not look pleased to be there. “Why am I here?”
“Ms. Uraraka,” Goji said, “Would you say that your creator has been kind to you? That things in your universe worked out for you?”
Ochako said, utterly deadpan, “I watched Tokyo burn, my mentor nearly killed and dozens of Heroes die.”
“But was it good for you ? After all…how much money did you make by becoming a top Hero?”
Ochako looked uncertain. “Well…let’s not split hairs here–”
“Did you not become filthy stinking rich, able to easily support your family and build compound wealth? Have you not achieved many of your life’s goals? Are you not getting to mentor Eri of all characters?”
“I don’t trust you not to have nefarious plans with that last one. But, well I guess things are nice there. But that doesn’t mean–”
“So you’re saying your life is terrible?”
“Of course not!” she blurted before covering her mouth.
“Ha! No more questions Your Honor!”
Ochako then raised her hand. “Am I an expert witness?”
Judge Abe looked confused. “No, why?”
“Awww…I wanted to be paid for appearing here.”
“Oh silly Ochako, nobody gets paid for appearing in my court. You don’t even get paid time off from work.”
There was a brief pause as that statement registered. Then, Ochako instantly tried to leap from the stand. “Get me out of this nightmare!”
“It’s been a while since people reacted like that to my court. Everyone from my reality TV show wants to be there.” Judge Abe smiled. “It gives me fond memories of all the people I trapped in here for my kangaroo courts. Ah, good times.”
Lacking any hands, Katydid waved a leg in the air. “What about my turn to cross-examine the witness? That was over too quickly!”
“What about my money?” Ochako demanded, pounding on the sealed door.
Katydid tilted her head. “I could bribe you?”
“Money?” Ochako’s head swiveled around.
“Objection!” Goji cried. “She just tried to bribe a witness.”
“Overruled, this is hilarious.” Judge Abe slammed her gavel down.
“I don’t exactly carry a wallet…” Katydid found two coins on the cushion of her seat. She nudged them onto the defendant’s podium. “Will this do?”
“I’m at your service,” Ochako pounced on the coins like a starving person at crumbs.
Goji groaned, “I made you wealthy in my fic. How can you still fall for such cheap bribes? What am I saying, it’s you!”
Awkwardly, Katydid admitted, “I don’t have anything in particular to ask.” She nudged her lawyer. “Psst! It’s time to cross-examine the witness.”
Lawyer Yoichi had drifted off in his seat. He jolted awake. “Who?”
“We’re trying to discredit Goji’s character witness,” Katydid hissed.
Yoichi adjusted his blatantly fake glasses missing the lenses. “Oh, one of those poor lost souls who got stuck in a series. Young lady, are you aware this means your suffering will never end? Even if you obtain a happy ending, your author can erase it with the next story. Worse, you’re crossed over with the Godzilla franchise. Those movies will never, ever end. Godzilla will never stop returning.”
“When you put it like that…” Ochako looked ill.
Sensing the tide turning against him, Goji called, “Ochakos Club, Katydid is giving out free money!”
A howl rose up from outside the courtroom like a million pink-cheeked girls trying to break in.
“Are they all being called as witnesses?” Judge Abe asked.
Katydid clung to the podium, buffeted by the storms of their wailing and howling for money. “Better not. I don’t think mine is too happy about her birthday gift. In fact, I know she’s not happy.”
“Then they can leave.” With a flick of her gavel, Judge Abe vanished every Ochako, including the one serving as a witness. “Katydid, it’s your turn to summon a witness.”
“Do I have to?” Katydid hung her head.
Yoichi said, “I’ll pick if you don’t. There aren’t many characters who would testify on your behalf, but you do have some tame real world AUs. Maybe an Izuku who lived a peaceful life with a happy family would–”
“NO!” Katydid screamed. “Um, Izukus are definitely out. All of them know.” Her antennae twitched. “Um…I summon Goofy to the witness stand.”
A pocket-sized figure appeared wearing a coat and a top hat. The right eye was missing and the right arm robotic. “Is it finally the day? Has my defamation case gotten a trial?”
Sheepishly, Katydid said, “No, you’re supposed to be a character witness for me.”
Yoichi slapped his forehead loudly. “You summoned another person with an active case against you as a character witness?!”
Katydid siddled over to Goofy. “I’ve written a lot of gifts for you. Surely you could say a nice word or two.”
Goofy said, “I would like to join Goji as a co-plaintiff–”
“I OBJECT!” Yoichi screamed. Sweat dripped down his forehead. “Your Honor, my client is clearly suffering from temporary insanity and therefore her witness should be removed before she incriminates herself further.”
“Let Goofy stay!” Goji said. “I’d like all the help I can get. Otherwise this trial could cost me an arm and a leg…” At that Goofy perked up, only for Goji to say, “Sorry, metaphor.”
Goofy looked down, dejected.
Judge Abe said to Yoichi, “The insanity isn’t temporary, but I could never argue with anyone who thinks that Katydid is unhinged. Objection Sustained!” With a wave of her gavel, the disgruntled witness vanished.
Leaning down, Yoichi hissed, “You’re making it very hard to defend you.”
Judge Abe spoke over him: “Goji, the next witness is yours.”
Goji scratched his head. “Snap, I didn’t make a list. Uhhh, I have a few witnesses. Um…let me see…um…I summon Eri Midoriya from the I Don’t Remember Making That AU!”
Eri appeared on the stand.
“So, Eri,” he said. “Would you say you’re happy where you live?”
Eri nodded. “Yes! I have a very nice home, with a nice Mom, and nice Dad and a wonderful big brother (even if he does get grumpy sometimes). Also we have nice pets even if they live at Dad’s workplace!”
“Excellent. No more questions.”
Yoichi cleared his throat. “I request permission to cross examine the witness.” During the witness examination, he’d trapped Katydid in a cricket cage and gagged her.
“Granted,” said Judge Abe.
“Objection!” Goji cried, pointing. “The lawyer is shamelessly stopping his client from incriminating herself.”
Yoichi said, “All lawyers want to gag their clients, I’m just the one who actually did it.”
“True!” Judge Abe laughed. “Objection overruled. I think all of Katydid’s characters should get to lock her up in a cage at least once.”
For once, Goji and Katydid looked equally annoyed.
“Eri,” Yoichi said approaching. “Tell me, what is the neighborhood around your nice house like?”
“We have a yard.”
“And outside?”
“I don’t know, the yard is covered in walls and a ceiling.”
“Walls and a ceiling, like an oversized vault perhaps?”
“Objection!” Goji said.
“Sustained,” said Judge Abe.
“Very well, could you tell me how often you’ve been outside? As in, outside outside?”
“Dad sometimes takes me to his warehouse, but otherwise I’m never allowed outside ever. He says his sunlamps in the ceiling are enough.”
“What about friends outside your family?”
“Cousin Tomura sometimes comes over. But besides that we don’t see anyone. Dad says that he is all the outside interaction we need!” said Eri with an innocent smile.
Goji looked nervous.
“And what sort of things has your father taught you?”
“How to cheat at Monopoly and kill people with a knife! Big brother Izuku wants to teach me how to kill people with a knife in the heroic way.”
Yoichi scowled at the very idea of cheating at a board game as if it would be the ultimate evil. “Well, killing people with a knife is a legitimate thing for a six year old to learn…”
Everyone gave Katydid a bit of a look, wondering if she’d like to explain to her lawyer how insane she’d written him. She gestured at the gag.
“And what about your dad’s work? Has your dad taken you to it?”
“Objection Your Honor, relevance?” Goji said.
“I’ll allow it.”
Goji’s head sank.
“He showed me some of his evil stuff! He also gave me Susan and Susan, my pet man-eating sharks! Usually he feeds them fish, but one time he wanted to let me feed Overhaul to them! It was so cool! Unfortunately big brother didn’t want me to so I decided not to…but then he and dad got into a fight and dropped him in anyway! Big brother covered my eyes but,” she looked around and whispered, “ I still peeked! It was so cute seeing them play with Overhaul as they ate him alive. Though it wasn’t good table manners.”
Eri said all of this with the sweetest, most sincere smile a little child could have. The sort that instantly made everyone want to bring death on whoever it was who was corrupting this adorable unicorn. Which, given that the All for One of his AU wasn’t there at the moment, was Goji.
“There you have it! This foul reptile has corrupted the unicorn herself! He should be punished for such a foul deed!”
Judge Abe nodded.
“Aw crud,” Goji said. “Uhhh, how about Izuku from that AU?”
Izuku showed up.
“Izuku, I gave you Eri as a baby sister–”
“You made me have to live in a house with All for One as my dad! I’m not talking to you! You’re the worst!”
And so it went, Goji trying to call witnesses, only for it to backfire spectacularly, sometimes thanks to excellent maneuvering from Lawyer Yoichi.
“I let you fight Godzilla himself!”
“He had you get every bone in your body broken in a humiliating defeat, then made you run away.”
Katsuki tried to lunge at Goji. “I’ll kill you!”
“I wrote you so that the fans actually liked you! You know how many reviews I got where they initially despised you on principle? Plus you successfully saved Izuku from Godzilla!”
Yoichi said, “Canon you managed to kill a Godzilla.”
Haruo Sakaki from the King’s Return’s expression turned to pure fury. “You took what from me?!”
“Homura Akemi, you got a new family, friends, and–”
“No Madoka.”
Homura activated her bow. “Write Madoka returning to us now!”
Goji said, “Your honor, this witness has turned hostile, please dismiss.”
Judge Abe banged her gavel.
“I gave you a proper romance and didn’t write All for One marrying your daughter?”
Nana looked intrigued.
Yoichi said, “Your family still got destroyed and your grandson given life in prison without even cameoing.”
“I was going to write Tomura later! Maybe…”
An Ochako glared from the stand.
“ Living with the Consequences Toga! I let you become someone you love and avoid death r–”
“ Don't! Talk to me !”
Grandma Nana Nana meanwhile didn’t even get asked any questions. Instead, the moment she appeared she immediately lunged for him.
“HOWDAREYOULETTHATINSUFFERABLEASSHOLEMARRYMYDAUGHTER!I’LLKILLYOUFORTHATYOUFILTHYINSUFFERABLEBACKSTABBING-”
“But I gave you Hana to raise!”
“I’LLKILLYOU!DIEDIEDIE!”
“Judge, please dismiss the witness!”
Lawyer Yoichi adjusted his perfectly tied tie with a smirk. “So Goji, are you ready to give up?”
“Yeah Goji!” Katydid had worked the gag loose. She banged on the bars of her cage. “You can never get out of the hole you’ve dug yourself into! I thought only I had so many characters who hated me.”
With that Goji’s glare became vicious. “That’s it Katy. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Second, I’m going to call your characters and use them against you!”
Katydid looked slightly nervous. “Hey, that can’t be allowed.”
“And first, I’m going to call my lawyer. ”
Lightning struck outside the courthouse. Then the door opened, and in came…the Hell Lawyer!
“What?!” Katydid cried.
“What?” Goji said, looking equally confused.
“What?” The Hell Lawyer said. “I just came to get a brief look at the transcript to tell Gentry how it’s going. We both expect Katydid to be doing poorly.”
“Hey!”
“She’s actually doing better than expected,” Judge Abe said.
“Really?” the Hell Lawyer asked. “Can I read the transcripts?”
“Objection!” Goji said. “That is highly unethical!”
“I’ll allow it,” Judge Abe said.
“That’s blatant favoritism!”
“Yes, yes it is.”
The Hell Lawyer winked and blew the judge a kiss, then walked over to the court reporter, who was just an Eri typing randomly into a typewriter (she liked the clicking sound). After looking at it, and getting Eri’s “translation”, the Hell Lawyer said, “I suppose that’s what having a lawyer will do. I will tell my client the shocking news that Katydid might actually–”
Outside, everyone heard the sound of a car rolling up.
“What is that?” Katydid asked.
The Hell Lawyer looked. “That’s a white 1997 Cadillac DeVille with a vanity license plate saying “LWRUP.”
“How do you know that?” Katydid said nervously.
“My lawyer’s here,” Goji said, flashing his fangs.
The Hell Lawyer took one look at Katydid and said, “You’re dead,” then vanished into the ether to inform Gentry.
The doors to the courtroom swung open, and in entered a new figure, wearing a painfully tacky suit, his hair in an obvious combover, all while flashing a smile that both was somehow less sincere than All for One’s and had enough oil to start a war over.
Judge Abe gasped. “IT’S BETTER CALL SAUL!”
“Hey! You’ve seen me on TV!” said Saul, shooting finger guns in a way that somehow seemed lamer than Kaminari. “Better call Saul!”
“Who is that?” Katydid asked. “I’ve never watched his TV show. Can someone help me?”
“Whoever he is, with that suit and that attitude, he shouldn’t be hard,” said Yoichi with the same confidence as when he said, ‘My brother will absolutely turn good after hearing my speech.’ “Look at that suit? He looks like the worst lawyer ever!”
Saul smiled at the two. “I once talked two guys down from a death sentence to probation. I’m the best lawyer ever.”
“That’s not how minimum sentencing works!” Yoichi protested.
“Tell that to the cartel. Anyway, let me call my next witness.” Saul turned to face the judge. “While my inept counterpart has been dabbling in irrelevant character witnesses, it’s time to get to the real point of this case: which fic torments characters more, Fear No Evil or The Darkest Valley ?”
“Who are you calling inept, you used car salesman?” Yoichi cried.
Saul raised his voice. “I summon Fear No Evil All for One!”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Katydid wailed. Then: “Wait, I didn’t bad end him for once. He might be cool with me.”
In a puff of smoke like sulfur, the Symbol of Evil appeared on the podium wearing a dark gray suit. All for One took one look at Yoichi, screamed, “MINE!” and then pounced.
“Help!” Yoichi cried, keeping All for One away with one hand.
Katydid grumbled, “I’d help you, except you put me in a cage.”
“Objection, you never intended to help me anyway,” Yoichi snapped. He was now being forced to use both hands.
Judge Abe said, “Objection sustained, Katydid never helped a Yoichi escape unless she planned to kill him off later.”
Meanwhile, the battle had been lost. All for One tucked Yoichi under his arm and headed for the door with a huge smile.
Saul stepped to block his path. “Pardon me, sir. My business card, just in case you ever get arrested in Albuquerque.” He slipped the card in the space between All for One’s arm and Yoichi’s captured body.
Goji said, “Remember him if instead of a criminal lawyer, you want a criminal lawyer.”
“A lawyer should never break laws!” Yoichi cried. “You’re not a real lawyer!”
Saul gave a fake laugh hiding real pain, which he promptly buried like a cartel victim in the desert. “You sound just like my older brother. So, you're saying I, a little brother, should have obeyed what my domineering and often condescending older brother said?”
“I…I…” Yoichi looked like a villain had taken two things he loved and dangled each over opposite sides of a building, so he could only save one.
“That’s what I thought,” Saul said. He then directed All for One back to the stand. “All for One, in your fic, Katydid forced you to go on a bromance adventure with All Might .”
All for One turned to glare at the insect. Cowering in the cage, Katydid mumbled, “Oh, yes, there was that part of the story. In my defense, it was funny.”
Saul continued, “Whereas my client allowed you to hire Lady Nagant to rescue your son while you put in no effort at all. Is that not superior?”
“Could I also hire Lady Nagant to shoot the blond buffoon?” All for One asked.
“You’re not my client yet so I couldn’t stop you,” Saul said.
“Then The Darkest Valley is clearly the superior universe,” All for One said. “Perhaps I’ll go steal it after I’m done stealing my brother.”
“Someone help me!” Yoichi wailed.
“Stop jiggling,” All for One said. Then he paused. “Wait, in Darkest Valley , Goji has a younger sister not only fight her older one, but she even defies the elder one’s will! Younger siblings should always obey their elders! Therefore that universe is inferior!”
Smoothly, Saul asked, “My older brother always said I should have followed the law and never played fast and loose with it or (allegedly) committed any crimes or made any gang affiliations. Should I have followed his orders?”
“Uh…” All for One looked baffled at the concept of a lawful older sibling.
“Should Beros therefore have turned away from the cult causing mass death toward her slightly more law-abiding sister? Swearing off her wicked ways?”
“Well no, but…but…”
“No more questions,” Saul said with a smug grin, “Witness dismissed.”
All for One faded away, howling in protest as Yoichi did not fade with him. Saul did not bother to catch Yoichi, who hit the floor with a thud.
Saul said, “Next, I will summon a witness from The Darkest Valley . Shota Aizawa!”
Aizawa popped into the story.
Yoichi got up first. “I’ve got this in the bag. Aizawa, how did you feel when you failed to receive your cat?”
Aizawa looked heartbroken. “It was…it was the hardest thing I’ve ever felt. Like my heart had literally been ripped from my chest. No offense to the original Sapphire Fey.”
“So, you’re saying Goji mistreated you?”
“ Greatly . I should have gotten that cat!”
“No more questions Your Honor,” Yoichi said, dabbing totally real tears with his handkerchief due to his ability to cry on command (a real lawyer never lies!) (outright).
Saul stood up. “Would you have rather never petted the cat at all?”
Aizawa blinked. “What?”
“Would you like me to read the question back?” he said, pointing at Eri who was cheerfully clicking the typewriter to the tune of “You Say Run.”
“No, I understand. It’s just absurd. Of course I’d rather pet the cat.”
“Well, what if I told you the cat didn’t exist? Would that change your opinion at all?” Saul said.
“Completely!”
“Objection!” Katydid said.
“On what grounds?” asked Judge Abe.
“Uhhhh…”
Saul gave Katydid a gleeful wink and turned to Aizawa. “Well, in Fear No Evil there is no cat for you to pet. You instead are stuck with this!”
He rolled in an old television set and placed a VHS tape inside, revealing the plane ride from Katydid’s fic. Yoichi buried his head in his arms. Aizawa watched in slack jawed horror at the sheer torture his counterpart went through. Finally, mercifully, the tape ended. Saul turned around and said, “And that’s just five minutes. The other you spent hours stuck on a flight between All Might and All for One.”
“I change my opinion completely. Katydid’s universe is a pure nightmare. Give it all to Goji.”
As Aizawa vanished. Katydid looked around in a panic. “Um…um…I call Aizawa from King’s Return! ”
King’s Return Aizawa showed up. “Why am I here?”
“Why is he here?” Yoichi glared.
“He was the first one I could think of. Just…lawyer it!”
Yoichi rolled his eyes and said, “Alright Mr. Aizawa, are you…happy in your universe? Knowing that one of your greatest students was never taught? Seeing so many of your friends and colleagues die–”
“They weren’t my friends.”
“Seeing so many of your colleagues die. Seeing your students mutilated and scarred for life?”
“That does sound pretty horrible,” he said.
Saul said, “And if it meant you don’t have to put up with the student who breaks his bones several times throughout the first part of the first year alone, and attracts villains every time he goes outside for the rest, would that change your attitude? Especially when my client was so nice that he let you raise Eri ?”
Aizawa straightened. “My creator has treated me excellently.”
Yoichi then taped Katydid’s mouth shut. It did not require much tape. “Next time let me call the witness.”
“Oh I’m not done with you yet!” Saul said. “Next, I call…Sapphire Fey!”
“I call dibs on questioning her first!” Katydid ripped the tape off.
“That’s not how it works!” Yoichi said.
“You get to question first!” Judge Abe said.
“WHAT KIND OF COURT IS THIS?!”
“It’s the lovely lady’s court of course,” said Saul in the same tone he’d assure the Bar that he was in total compliance with ethical rules.
“Where did you even get your degree?!”
“From the proud institution of the University of American Samoa. Go Land Crabs!”
Yoichi buried his head in his hands. “I almost wish my brother was opposing counsel.”
Goji raised a claw.
“I SAID ALMOST!”
Sapphire Fey materialized on the witness in a shower of sparkles. She looked around. “At least I’m sane at the moment.” Then her furious gaze latched on Katydid and Goji. “YOU TWO MONSTERS!”
“He’s the monster, I’m an insect.” Katydid hopped over. “It insults me to see you glaring at Goji too when, as I will prove with this court case, I’m the one who deserves custody of you. I created for my story where All for One is Rody’s story, and I wrote your stupidly tragic backstory. Goji gave you a name and tried to give you a happier ending, which offends me because tragedy is beautiful.”
Sapphire lowered her fist. “When you put it like that, Goji’s the one who tried to salvage my miserable life. You were responsible for all the suffering in the first place. You didn’t let me have a single line of dialogue in your story. I only appeared as someone else’s depressing backstory. I’d much rather Goji have custody over me.”
“I don’t even need to do anything,” Saul said, sounding a little disappointed.
“Wait, I did do one nice thing for you,” Katydid said. “Because of me, you got to sleep with All for One. Every simp on my tumblr would envy you.”
“I’LL KILL YOU!” Sapphire screamed, lunging after Katydid.
Yoichi moaned, “Objection, I think my client is actively suicidal.”
The tiny green insect escaped just ahead of Sapphire’s feet. Her face red, Sapphire threw her entire body into her attack. She landed on the floor, Katydid barely scrambling away.
“Aren’t you going to stop this?” Katydid screamed, landing on the judge’s podium.
Judge Abe munched on popcorn. “Nope. Go Sapphire! No judge or jury would convict you, especially not me. I’ve met All for One.”
Sapphire grabbed the judge’s mallet and swung it at Katydid, close enough to clip an antennae. Her eyes had lost all sanity. “Kill…kill…”
Yoichi scooped up Katydid. “Wait, please.”
With the mallet raised over her head, Sapphire froze, briefly stunned by Yoichi’s perfect hair.
Yoichi said, “There’s no point in killing Katydid, she only respawns. What if my client offers compensation to you instead?”
“Nooooo!” Katydid wailed. “Not a happy ending for a bad end story! I refuse!”
“Hmm, she does sound like that would make her suffer more.” Sapphire lowered the mallet.
Yoichi said, “Your Honor, I propose that we should restore Sapphire’s deceased quirk bird. It’s the only thing that could possibly balance out the horror of being shipped with my brother.”
“How are you proposing to do that?” Judge Abe asked between bites of popcorn.
“Well, we do have a reality-bending judge here…”
“So you’re expecting me to do all the work?”
“You’ve seen what this poor woman has been subjected to, I implore you to show compassion.” Yoichi clasped his hands together. “In exchange my client will waive any claim on Sapphire’s character.”
“Hey!” Katydid yelped.
“Again, I feel disappointed when I don’t get to pull any clever tricks or ruin anyone’s lives to win,” Saul said.
Yoichi continued, “Also, to repay you for paying my client’s compensation for her, you will be allowed to hit Katydid with your mallet once.”
“HEY!” Katydid screamed.
“You’ve got a deal.” Judge Abe held out her hand to receive the mallet back. As soon as the mallet touched her hands, she said, “I summon the deceased bird Feathers to this courtroom.”
A beautiful pink bird descended in a cloud of sparks.
“Feathers!” Sapphire sobbed. She ran forward and clasped her bird to her chest, whispering frantically. The bird chirped, a sound between joy and a sob. They held each other. Feathers then flew over and buried herself in the nearest Rody’s shoulder, right next to Pino.
Yoichi dragged Katydid over and held her on the podium as she struggled. “Please hit her so hard she can’t talk.”
“I love a happy ending.” Judge Abe flicked a tear from her eye. “Witness dismissed!”
She brought down her mallet at the same time Sapphire vanished.
“Drat, I missed.” The judge swung again, but Katydid had already hopped away.
“Now,” Judge Abe said. “We discuss the custody of the other fic, The Darkest Valley .”
Saul grinned. “With pleasure . Let the character witnesses come.”
Yoichi buried his head in the desk. Katydid gulped.
“People of the Deika,” Small for One said, “As you lay prostrate before me, your city burning, and your streets covered in blood and ash–Oh sorry, wrong speech!” He looked embarrassed, quickly readjusted his clothes (and made sure the bribe money Saul gave him was completely hidden) and cleared his throat. “People of the court, as you lay prostrate before me…”
“In summary, I hate her,” Worn Down by Wind and Water Tomura said, pointing at Katydid.
“Come on…” Katydid said, “Maybe show some charity. Some forgiveness. Ask yourself, what would Ghandi do?”
“Nuke you?” Goji and Tomura said in unison.
“–And THEN I had to try and give therapy to him! When that didn’t work, I had to stop him myself! Do you know how insufferable Flect Turn is in even a casual conversation?!” Fear No Evil!Izuku said. “So please, give this AU to Goji. Anywhere but her!” he pointed at Katydid, who looked behind her as if he was pointing at someone else.
“Yes, Goji fed me to sharks! As a joke!” I Don’t Remember Making That Overhaul said.
“Would you say that such treatment was undeserved?” Saul said.
“Of course! What could I do to deserve that?!”
“How would you describe your treatment of Eri in that AU? Or do I need to have her read back the record of her prior testimony?” He pointed to Court Reporter Eri.
Overhaul growled. “Don’t you know that stupid girl has only been typing random letters into a typewriter? Even if she was literate she’s too useless to do anything worthwhile, let alone keep a record! Why indulge that worthless brat?!”
Court Reporter Eri gasped. Her eyes began to tear up. In the audience, A Guide to Death Worlders Eri and I Don’t Remember Making That Eri immediately stopped their conversation and leaped onto Gigantomachia’s back. Space!Eri pulled out a bomb while IDRMT!Eri pulled a knife. Goji moved his arms like he was rolling up sleeves.
“Your Honor, permission to fry this witness?” said Goji.
“Let me give him All for One as a father,” Katydid said.
Judge Abe banged her gavel. “Dismissed–I mean granted!” But, Overhaul had already vanished. Judge Abe sighed. “I was looking forward to violence. Oh well, this court report probably isn’t rated highly enough for the kind of violence that man deserved.”
“Our next witness is Fear No Evil Beros,” Saul said.
Beros now sat in the witness seat.
“So, Beros,” Saul said. “Goji gave you a sister and let you hug your mother.”
Beros’s eyes widened. “Really? That sounds delightful! I always wanted a sister!”
“Yeah, siblings can be neat. Well for most people.”
“Yours can’t be worse than mine!” said Yoichi.
“Not wrong,” Saul said. “My relationship with him went down in flames, literally, when–”
The moment Saul began talking of the culmination of his arc with his brother, Judge Abe’s eyes widened with horror. She lunged toward her desk. “I HAVEN’T FINISHED SEASON THREE! NO SPOILERS!” she cried, frantically banging her gavel to cut him off. In a flash of light, Saul vanished from the court.
Yoichi looked up. He let out an deviously evil heroic grin. “So the other counsel has been ejected…” he said. “I can work with this.”
He then walked into the well (defying the court rules he pretends to live by and following the television rules he actually lives by) and stopped in front of Beros. “So Beros, you think Goji sounds better than my client?”
“Well yes. He gave me a sister.”
“Are you sure?”
Beros tilted her head. “I…think so?”
“Would it change your answer if your mother was grievously injured by a stray attack?”
Beros straightened. “My mother is the most precious thing in the world to me! Who could hurt her?!”
“Well, what if Goji had your mother be shot…” Yoichi said. He stepped away slightly, turned around, then swung back, hand pointing dramatically as he said, “–and you were the one who shot her!”
Beros gasped. “What?! I’d never!”
“In Goji’s fic, you did!” Yoichi said with a massive grin.
“No! It can’t be!”
Goji quickly said, “But she survived and you then rescued her.”
“That’s not worth it! I can’t have hurt her! She’s too fragile and precious!” Beros broke down sobbing on the stand. Yoichi joined, crying (genuine!) tears generated by his ability to cry on command.
Judge Abe actually seemed to have compassion for once, saying, “Goji, I’m afraid unless you can think of something real quick, your case is looking deader than your OC Agonizer.”
Goji looked horrified. Meanwhile, Katydid jumped in the air and cheered. “Today there will be a revolt of the natural order! An insect beats a kaiju!”
“But…but I can’t give you copyright!” Goji said, burying his head in his hands.
Katydid said, “Copyright? Goji, this is fanfiction. We don’t really…use those in these corners.”
“Oh, then I don’t have seventy-five thousand dollars! How could I pay this massive loss off to you?” Goji said, burying his head in the desk.
“What?” Katydid asked.
As she was about to speak again, Yoichi’s eyes widened with horror. He held out a hand saying, “Don’t–”
“There’s no money in fanfiction either,” Katydid said. “I’m not suing you for money, I’m suing for custody.”
Yoichi buried his head in his hands, while Goji slammed his hands on the desk and said, in the tone of a shonen character calling his attacks, “I FILE A 12(b)(6) MOTION TO DISMISS!” he called. “For LACK OF SUBJECT MATTER JURISDICTION!’
“Since when does this court use real law?” Katydid asked.
“You see Katydid,” said Goji with an evil laugh, “You said the federal tax code was part of the relevant law, thus indicating that Judge Abe wandered into a United States federal courtroom! And in federal court, you can’t be sued unless it’s either a matter of federal law, or for over $75,000! Since fanfic custody isn’t federal law, and you admitted it’s not about copyright, and that it’s not for that amount of money. You know what that means?”
Katydid gulped. “Oh no.”
“This court has no jurisdiction in this case!”
“But–”
“Now judge,” Goji said. “I know that it won’t matter to you at all that we already entertained you. Nor will you decide from the look on Katydid’s face if you rule in my favor. But in the name of justice I strongly recommend–”
“Granted!” Judge Abe said, watching Katydid gleefully.
Katydid threw her insect arms skyward. “NOOOOO! This case can’t be over! I don’t care if I win, but that door can’t open!”
Yoichi sighed as he packed up his bags. “I’ll send you my bill when I get back.”
Katydid gave him a funny look. “I’m not paying you. I invoked my author’s rights to make you represent me pro bono.”
“WHAT?!” Yoichi snarled. “I went through all that nonsense , for FREE?!” He rolled up his sleeves.
Katydid gulped. “Someone! Help!”
“Don’t worry Katydid,” a voice from outside the courtroom said.
“He won’t lay a hand on you.”
At once, dozens of her characters entered the courtroom: Inkos, All for Ones, Izuku’s, everyone from the birthday series, they were all there.
“Hooray, you all have finally accepted my love! This is just like in a manga when former enemies show up to save each other.”
“He won’t hurt you because we’re getting you first! ” the leading Izuku said.
“Oh no,” said Katydid, looking around at the legions of characters.
“Do you uh, want help?” Goji said.
“No thanks, I’ll be perfectly–” Katydid took off running, helped by the hesitation of all the characters who thought talking was a free action. Her horde of characters gave chase, while Katydid wailed, “See you all! I’m going into hiding! You probably won’t hear from me for a while unless WHOA! HEY! NOT THE ANTENNAE! DO YOU WANT TO SEE AN ALL FOR ONE/ENDEAVOR/OVERHAUL THREESOME NEXT?”
There was the sound of Eldritch Izuku ripping the fabric of reality to prevent this abomination.
And so, Katydid vanished into a crack in reality, Goji went home to continue writing his Godzilla AU, and Judge Abe gleefully laughed at all the amusement she’d had and misery she inflicted. All in all, a good day in court!
OMAKE TIME!
Katydid: Shouldn’t Ochako be happy about the birthday gift I gave her? Sure there was some possession but she got to inherit All for One’s money and have a date with Izuku.
Ochako: The money was all confiscated by the government! Die!
King’s Return Bakugo: I lost my leg!
Goofy: Hey, this is plagiarism, that’s my trademark.
Katydid: I’ll call Forgiveness is the Attribute of the Strong Hisashi, one of the very few I didn’t bad-end.
Saul: Did you know that Katydid denied you the chance to beat up a toddler All for One by only putting that in the alternate ending?
Hisashi: DIE!
Katydid: Why do all my characters say that even though I love them?
Yoichi #1: Where is that cricket?
Yoichi #2: I thought she was a grasshopper, and where is she?
Small for One: *clears throat* Members of the Yoichi’s club, as you lay prostrate-
Katydid: I bring in the Hell Lawyer to represent me instead of the lame lawyer Yoichi!
Yoichi: Hey! You didn’t even write me as a criminal attorney.
Hell Lawyer: *appears*
Goji: Not so fast! I have one who can deal with demons. The character from my first ever fanfiction. I summon, the Hanged Man-
???: *Doors open* It is I! Don Quixote de la Mancha!
Goji: Oh right, I posted the other one first. But first I wrote-
Don Quixote: *pointing to judge Abe* That beautiful maiden is trapped by a troll! I shall rescue her! *rides full gallop, only to be thrown from his horse and collide with the Hell Lawyer, knocking out both.*
Yoichi: I move to strike this omake from the record.