Archive of Our Own ^beta

The sound of the IV liquid dripping in the tube can be heard faintly. The beeping of the heart monitor accompanies it, lulling Soobin from his sleep back to his consciousness. He slowly opens his eyes against the bright light coming from the overhead lamp, squinting a little as he adjusts to the glare of it. 

The last round of chemo had been pretty hard on him. He doesn't remember much, but he remembers the pain. Blinding, excruciating pain all over his body. His doctor said that type of pain is a normal occurrence for this kind of medication. It means that the treatment is working, killing the cancer cells that are currently attacking his organs. So, he endures it. Doesn't mean he has to like it, though.

When he finds himself awake in his hospital bed, he lets out a sigh of relief. Then, he feels a gentle hand slowly brushing what's left of his hair back, going down to cup his cheek and stroke it gently with a calloused thumb. Soobin nestles into the warmth before opening his eyes fully to see a pair of brown ones staring back at him.

"Taehyun-ah," he croaks out.

"Soobin hyung," Taehyun whispers back. He presses a kiss to Soobin's temple, to his cheek, his neck, before nuzzling back to his cheek, taking in a deep breath to scent him. Soobin closes his eyes and does the same, the smell of clean laundry with woody perfume and a little antiseptic immediately filling his nose. It smells of home.

They stay like that for a while, cheeks pressed against each other, not one of them wanting to let go first. Just basking in each other's warmth, silently seeking comfort from each other's presence. 

After a few minutes, Taehyun pulls away. Soobin misses his warmth immediately. He tries to whine in protest, but all that comes out is a croak. 

Taehyun lets out a little laugh. He reaches for the glass of water on the side of Soobin's bed before helping him drink, holding the glass to his lover's lips. Soobin takes a few gulps of it, just enough to get rid of the discomfort in his throat.

Once he is done, Taehyun goes back to smoothing his hair. "How are you feeling, love?" He asked.

Soobin pouts. "Sore. I feel like I just got hit by a bus. Then ran over by a truck. Before being swung around in a roller coaster."

"Aw, my poor hyung," Taehyun says. "You did so good, babe. I know that what the doctor said about the treatment scared you, and I know that the process must hurt so much, but you went through it anyway. You held on until it was done. I'm so proud of you."

"Well, I wouldn't have held on for so long if you weren't there, holding my hand through it," Soobin replies. "Thank you. I know it must be hard for you to watch me in that position. I love you so much."

"You know I'll do anything for you, hyung. I love you, too," Taehyun gives Soobin a light peck on his lips.

"How long was I out?" Soobin asks.

"About a few hours. Which reminds me, you have to eat your dinner." Taehyun gestures towards the tray of food placed on the desk in front of the hospital bed. From where he is laying, Soobin can see a small bowl of white rice, roasted chicken breast, some boiled vegetables, and a little bit of kimchi.

"But I'm still so sore," Soobin whines. "I don't think I can keep anything down right now."

"What about just a little bit? I will stop when you say so. Just so we can get you to eat your medicine, okay?"

Soobin groans and burrows into his pillow. "Fine," he replies begrudgingly. 

He watches as Taehyun gets up from his seat beside his bed to get the food. He proceeds to spoon feed the food to Soobin, taking in little portions of it to help Soobin's stomach adjust. As he sees Taehyun cutting up the chicken breast into small pieces, Soobin can't help but feel gutted. 

Taehyun shouldn't be stuck in this sterile hospital room 24/7, taking care of a sick man who's basically counting down his last days. He's still so young, only 26 years old, he should be out there chasing his dreams, going out to drink with his friends, or going on dates with someone who isn't bedridden.

Taehyun is meant to reach for the stars, while Soobin is meant to stay on the ground.

It hasn't always been like this. Soobin had met the younger man back when he was a sophomore in college. Soobin had majored in aerospace engineering, choosing the subject to go along with his fascination with the galaxy, wanting to explore as much of it as possible. What better way to learn how to build the machine for just that. Just so happens, Taehyun did too.

The fates decided to pull the strings one morning during aerodynamics class, where Soobin felt a tap on his shoulder. He was then faced with the wide-eyed junior Taehyun, asking him if he had a spare pen as he forgot his own. After class, they got to talking and found similar interests, like how they both liked girl groups and enjoyed eating french pastries. They also found out how they both had the same dream; to work for the Korean Aerospace Institute and pursue the chance to someday visit the International Space Station.

So they became friends who worked towards a shared dream together. Soobin would guide Taehyun in classwork that he didn't understand, while Taehyun would help Soobin cool down if things got too overwhelming. People thought they should've been rivals, but instead, they've built trust in each other like no other. Soobin trusted that Taehyun would always keep him in the loop, and Taehyun trusted that Soobin would never lead him astray.

It was truly inevitable, how they finally fell in love with each other. Soobin had been smitten with Taehyun's wit and dark humor, while Taehyun had fallen for Soobin's charm and patience. So, one day, when Taehyun decided to confess his feelings to the sophomore, there had been no doubt what Soobin's answer would be. 

There was also no doubt in Taehyun's answer when Soobin proposed to him on his graduation day, three years after their fateful meeting.

Since then, it was like an invisible string connected them. Whenever Soobin goes, Taehyun will follow, and vice versa. The fates seemed to always be in their favor, too. They managed to be accepted to work as Engineers in the Korean Aerospace Institute together. They found an apartment that they fell in love with near their workplace. Moreover, a few years after, their company opened up a program to visit the International Space Station and work there for one year. There was no hesitation when Taehyun and Soobin submitted their application. After years of hard work, their shared dream was finally coming true. 

Until one day, Soobin collapsed.

Acute Myeloid Leukemia. An estimation of 5 year life expectancy with a questionable prognosis. That was what the doctor diagnosed after a series of visits and tests. 

And just like that, everything came crashing down. 

Soobin and Taehyun found themselves halting their dreams. Soobin had to resign from his job, while Taehyun had to take on less work to be able to take care of his fiance. Sometimes, there were instances where Taehyun had to go to the office, so he had their friends or family to look after Soobin while he was gone. But for the most part, Taehyun had been Soobin's constant.

And Soobin can't help but hate himself for that.

"I'm done," Soobin says when Taehyun is about to scoop another spoonful of food.

Taehyun looks down towards the tray, noticing the barely eaten food. "You didn't even eat half of it yet. Let's try one more spoon, yeah?"

Soobin shakes his head demurely. "No please, I'm really done. I can't take any more." He suddenly feels a lump in his throat and fire in his stomach. "I think I'm gonna be sick."

Taehyun immediately stands up and helps Soobin get out of bed. He slowly leads him to the bathroom, holding onto his IV and rubbing his back as Soobin empties his hardly filled stomach into the toilet bowl. It hurts so much, whenever he thinks he's done, there's another round of sick. It gets to the point where nothing comes out anymore, only bile dripping in from his mouth. 

Soobin lets out a shaky breath. He lets his body fall into Taehyun's chest. It feels like what little energy he has left has been sucked out of him. He barely feels it as Taehyun flushes the toilet and helps him clean up, because he knows how much Soobin hates the thought of coming to bed covered in sick. Next thing he knows, he's back in bed with Taehyun gently pushing back his hair and wiping down his sweaty forehead.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. "The food just went to waste."

"Never apologize for that, it's okay," Taehyun comforts. "Your body is just getting used to the chemo, it's normal to not be able to keep anything down right now. I'll talk to the doctor tomorrow about it, so we can figure out the best way to still get you to eat."

Soobin sniffles. "Yeah, okay." He reaches out for Taehyun's unoccupied hand, taking in comfort in the warmth. "Can we go on Pause tonight?"

Taehyun smiles. "Anything for you, my love."

There is an outdoor park in the hospital Soobin is staying in, where an expanse of green grass grows and colorful flowers bloom. Soobin recognizes some of them to be bougenville flowers, orchids, lilies, and some carnations. Along the park, a concrete pathway divided it in two, so people can walk without stepping on the greenery and patients in wheelchairs can comfortably move around. There are also a couple of wooden benches with intricate metal handles located randomly around the space, with most of them placed under dense trees to protect people from the heat of the sun.

It has become Soobin's favorite place in the hospital, but not for the reason that you think.

In the utmost corner of the park, a little further from the hospital building, there is the only bench in a clearing, with no plants surrounding it. It is a little under kept with traces of rainwater marks scattered on the wood and the paint on the handle is slightly chipping, but Soobin and Taehyun find themselves almost making a home out of it.

It is because the place is where the night sky is the most clear. As there aren't any trees in their line of sight and no clouds hanging around the distance, the vast amount of stars can be seen shining amongst the dark sky, making up various constellations that Soobin has known by heart. The moon also accompanies them in her pure glory, her silver radiance lighting up the sea of black even more.

Taehyun and Soobin found the place coincidentally, during the early days of his admission to the hospital. It had been the night where everything was just bad. Soobin had been sitting on his hospital bed, listening to the doctor's drone about his diagnosis. He felt like he was listening to how his life will fall apart, he was facing the fact that this would be his reality now; the blank white walls, the drip sound from the IV, the smell of antiseptic clinging to his clothes, the clacking of nurses shoes running along the empty hallway, and the pills along with the capsules and injections that he would receive. 

It was getting too hard to breathe.

Taehyun had brought him to the bench. He carried him all the way through the bustling hospital halls to the place, holding Soobin in his arms and whispering sweet praises while he was hyperventilating and sobbing. Soobin can still feel Taehyun's kisses all over his face and the gentleness of his hands along his back, his signature woody scent engulfing his nose as he buried his face into his neck.

And when he was done, it had just been him, Taehyun, and the stars above.

"Pause," Taehyun had whispered. "When we're sitting right here, we're on pause, okay? There's nothing to worry about, no chemo to schedule, no medicine to take, no injections, doctors, nurses, bills, or anything else. It's just us. Taehyun and Soobin. That's all that matters right now."

Just us, Soobin thought. That's all I need.

As months went by after Soobin's diagnosis, the pauses became even more frequent. Whether it was after another round of chemo or when Soobin found a significant chunk of his hair on the pillow, he gave Taehyun one look, and he just knew what he needed. 

That's how he finds himself snuggling up in Taehyun's arms right now, letting the gentle wind caress his face and the sound of cicadas fill in between the gaps of Taehyun's voice droning on in the midst of the silent night. He gazes at his fiance's face, the sharpness of his jaw, the hint of dimple by his cheek, his thin lips, the spread of moles along the side of his face and neck, and the dark circles under his eyes. He is the most handsome man Soobin knows.

Soobin nuzzles into Taehyun's shoulder and takes a deep breath. Feeling comfortable in the moment, Soobin closes his eyes. If only every moment is just like this, if only he can spend everyday being just Taehyun and Soobin. Soobin and Taehyun. Nothing else matters.

Alas, this is what they can do for now. And when Soobin opens his eyes again, he finds Taehyun's gaze looking back at him. The stars reflect their shine in his eyes and a small, endeared smile adorns his face. Soobin thinks that he won't replace this with anything in the world. He has his whole world right in front of him.

"You're not listening to me," Taehyun says, though the tone of his voice and the small smile on his face indicates he is anything but mad.

"No, no, no, I am listening. I swear!" Soobin denies. "So what happened to Mrs. Kim? Did she ever find out where her missing shoes ended up?"

"Turns out her cats kept throwing them out the window to Mr. Yun's balcony. Poor guy was so confused as to why it was raining shoes in his apartment. The only reason Mrs. Kim even found out is because she caught Pancake dragging her favorite heels to the balcony when she was about to leave for Bingo night," Taehyun laughs. "But what do you know? They ended up going together to Bingo night anyway. For a date."

Soobin gasps. "Seriously?"

"Hyung, I swear I couldn't make this stuff up." Taehyun sighs, "I mean, good for them, right? They're both single and available. Mrs. Kim lost her husband so many years ago, and Mr. Yun never married. They deserve to have someone to spend the rest of their lives with, no matter how old they are."

"Of course. And they're both nice people, too. Remember how Mrs. Kim always gave us a big container of the kimchi that she made? Or when Mr. Yun helped us fix the sink during Christmas when everyone was on holiday? They deserve to be happy." 

Soobin snuggles deeper into Taehyun's chest. He turns his attention to the sky, where a few stars scattered along. There aren't as many as usual, but the moon is covered tonight, so they still don't lose an inch of their shine.

"You see that?" Soobin nudges Taehyun and points upwards. "There's the Big Dipper right there."

Taehyun turns his gaze to where Soobin is pointing. "Where?"

"Right there, a little bit to the left. You can see starting from the ladle," Soobin traces along with his fingers, "You see the little stars connecting them, and then you see it dipping a little bit to form the bowl."

Taehyun is silent for a few moments. His curious eyes search through between the little dots before widening in excitement. "I see it! And right below there, just a little bit to the right, is the Little Dipper."

"That means we're facing the North right now," Soobin confirms. "You know how Dippers have always been used for navigation back then? When I was a kid, ever since I knew that, I always try to find the Dippers whenever I have to go somewhere outside. Whether it's coming home from cram school, or going to Beomgyu's house to play games, or even just as simple as going to the convenience store. That way, I don't have to be afraid to be lost, I'll always know my way home. All I need to do is look up."

"It's not like we have Google Maps or anything," Taehyun teases.

Soobin huffs. "Well, try googling for maps in 2010 using your flip phone. I'm sure it'll take you somewhere. Don't know where but at least it is somewhere."

"I'm kidding," Taehyun laughs. "Besides, I don't need all of that shit anyway. I have my own Dipper right here," Taehyun says as he pokes his fingers on Soobin's dimple, squishing the soft skin repeatedly. "My little navigator."

Soobin purrs in content. Soon, his expression turns mischievous. "I wouldn't necessarily say that I'm a Dipper. I mean, you're the one who's usually doing the dipping..."

"And...we stop right there," Taehyun deadpans. "Why do you have to ruin it with your dirty mind? I was trying to be romantic," he says while squishing Soobin's face between his hands, making his plush lips form into a pout.

Soobin giggles in delight as Taehyun's affection turns into kisses all over his face. From his forehead, to his eyelids, cheeks, nose, before finally landing on his lips, the warmth in his chest becomes even more prominent. When he stops the kisses, Taehyun chooses to stay in that position, his forehead pressed into Soobin's.

Comfortable silence envelopes the atmosphere before Soobin whispers, "Do you think...we will ever get to do that? Like Mr. Yun and Mrs. Kim?"

"Do what?"

"Grow old together."

Something shifts in Taehyun's gaze. He pulls away from their initial embrace. "I thought we agreed that we're on Pause right now."

"I know, I'm sorry," Soobin touches Taehyun's cheek, letting the younger one lean into his palm. "When I proposed to you, there was always just one image in my mind. And it was this. Getting to sit with you while we just talk with the stars accompanying us. We'll talk about the most random and absurd things, gossip about our neighbors and friends. And you'll hold me in your arms. The difference is...we were wrinkly old men. And I thought, there is no other way I want to spend the rest of my life. That was all I want." Soobin chuckles wetly, "And now...I don't even know if I'll make it to tomorrow."

"No," Taehyun objects. He takes both of Soobin's hands into his, putting them close to his chest for comfort. "I know it's been so long and painful. I know it must be tiring, but hyung, you're so much stronger that you think. I've seen you in your worst days, how you keep fighting for people around you even then."

"Remember when Beomgyu-hyung got into an accident last year? Everyone was so worried for him, they were literally in chaos. Even I wasn't doing so good. But you came through. You took charge and managed to take care of everyone, you fought so his parents could come to Seoul quickly, and you kept us updated on his condition when we're still processing everything."

"Or do you remember when Yeonjun-hyung's project fell through with that one company? Or when Kai was feeling so homesick he couldn't even function? You pulled through for them and provided them with what they needed. You held them when they cried and built them back up when they were falling apart."

Taehyun plants a kiss on Soobin's hands. "Also, hyung, you are always a source of strength for me, even if you don't realize it. The reason why I keep going with my dream, our dream, is because of you. Because I know you'll always be by my side, whether to fly with me or to catch me when I fall. That's why I applied to KAI, why I took a chance with the ISS, why I said yes to marrying you. Because I trust you so much."

"Now, it's time for you to trust yourself too. Please, keep fighting. And trust that I'll always be there along the way, just as you have for me."

Soobin can't take it. He pulls Taehyun and puts his lips on his. He just wants this man close, wants to feel his touch, his kiss, and every inch of his body on him. 

Soobin feels himself being pulled into Taehyun's lap, his hands holding him by the hips and deepening their kiss even more. The taste of Taehyun's tongue on his is too addicting, for a moment he forgets that he needs to breathe if not for Taehyun pulling away. Even then, he still chases after his lips, making the younger man chuckle endearingly. 

Taehyun's hands move from Soobin's hips to cup his cheeks, bringing their foreheads close again and their noses bumping against each other. 

Soobin has always believed in Taehyun. Even when the situation seems bleak, when it looks like there will be no light at the end of the tunnel, he trusts that Taehyun will make everything okay. So he allows himself to hope.

"We'll make it, right?" Soobin asks.

"Of course," Taehyun affirms. "There's no other alternative for us. I'll fight for it, if I have to."

Soobin won't consider today a bad day, but it isn't a good day either.

It has been two weeks since he started his new medication and chemo session, but he still hasn't been able to keep any food down. The most he can take is two spoonfuls, three if he can try to stretch it. Any other amount will just end up in the toilet.

On the bright side, Soobin feels like his pain has been lessening. For the last six months, even before he got his diagnosis, Soobin would feel a sharp pain almost 24/7 in his bones and joints, mostly in his ribs and chest. He lost count on how many times Taehyun has to put on hot oil on him to alleviate the pain. The only time he doesn't feel it is when he was passed out from the drugs.

But recently, he's been able to sit and stand up by himself. Sometimes, he can walk a little bit with minimal complaint, either to the bathroom or to get something a little far from the bed. 

Soobin allows himself to be a little optimistic. Even if the only food he can keep down right now are pudding cups.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say this is just an excuse for you to avoid eating your vegetables."

Soobin startles from the pudding cup he'd been devouring to look at the man standing by his room doorway. "Seokjin hyung!"

Soobin puts down his food to make way for Seokjin to embrace him. Ever since their parents passed away, it has been just the two of them. They tested their luck by restarting their life in Seoul. The elder had been determined to start his own restaurant fresh out of finishing his culinary school and getting his Master's degree in business, so he decided to stay in the city. He was hoping that Soobin would stay with him too, so when Soobin had been admitted to a university in Seoul, Seokjin was the happiest person for him. He always woke him up whenever he forgot to set his alarm for class, made him breakfast and brought him lunches almost every day, and stayed up with him whenever he needed to do an overnight assignment. 

It was no secret that Seokjin is a little too overprotective of his little brother. Soobin had been wary of introducing Taehyun to him, scared of his brother's reaction when his brother and boyfriend met for the first time. They had arranged a dinner at their place, with Jeongguk, Seokjin's then boyfriend (now husband), tagging along. Seokjin had been quiet, his expression calm and collected, but Soobin knew that his eyes were calculating. He would occasionally ask Taehyun some questions, but it had been the basics. Other than that, he had let Jeongguk lead the conversation the whole night. Soobin was so sure that Seokjin would disapprove of them, but the next morning, he had handed Soobin two lunch boxes.

"One for you," Seokjin had said, "and the one for Taehyun."

That day, Soobin arrived late to class because he was hugging his brother for so long, not wanting to let go even after Seokjin threatened to take back the food. 

Soobin doesn't know what Seokjin saw that day that made him make up his mind about Taehyun. But whatever it is, Soobin is forever grateful for it.

Soobin inhales the familiar scent lingering in Seokjin's shirt. His usual smell of sea salt and sweat were replaced by a sweet, slightly fruity one. He feels his brother caress his hair softly, placing a kiss on his head before pulling away from the hug. 

"Binnie-yah," he says. "Sorry for not visiting sooner, the restaurant has been hectic these past few days. I came as soon as I can get Yoongi and Hobi to cover for me."

"It's okay, hyung," Soobin replies. "You being here right now is enough."

Seokjin gives Soobin one last squeeze before turning to the other side of the bed. "Taehyun-ah," he walks over to him and gives the younger a hug as well. "I'm feeling some bones sticking out from you where they didn't before. But don't worry, I brought a lot of food from Super Chamchi for you to heat up here, so you can stop eating those horrible hospital food."

Soobin looks on as Taehyun closes his eyes and pulls in Seokjin tighter. "Thank you, hyung. You really shouldn't." 

"Nonsense, I like feeding all of you! Besides, I've been...experimenting, with new recipes lately. And these are just some leftovers from them."

"He's lying," Soobin hears a whisper from beside him. "He's so busy with managing and cooking for Chamchi, he barely got time to rest. And he expects us to believe he has time to develop new recipes? Ones that can be frozen and microwaved? He's clowning himself," the voice continues playfully. "He prepared all of them for both of you."

Soobin's eyes lit up. "Jeongguk hyung."

"Hey kiddo," the man puts one sleeve tattooed arm around Soobin and pulled him into a brief hug. "How are you doing these days, hm?"

"It's still kinda bad," Soobin admits. "But it's a little bit better than before."

"I heard you were having difficulties in keeping food down," Seokjin speaks up while binging his hands to stroke Soobin's hair. "Has the doctor said anything? Has she given any indication that the medication is working?"

"Dr. Cho is usually schedule to do rounds to our room around this hour. Maybe we can ask her by then," Taehyun suggested.

Instantly, there is knocking on the already open door, where a tall woman in scrubs stands with a map and pen in her hands.

"Good morning, Mr. Choi," the woman walks in and looks around the room with a kind smile. "I see you got a visit from your family today. Nice to meet all of you again."

"Wish I could say it back, but, you know...maybe in another time, when my brother is well," Seokjin replies wistfully.

"Of course. That's the ultimate goal, isn't it? To get you out of here as soon as possible," Dr. Cho takes the clipboard hanging by the end of Soobin's bed. "Let's get your usual check up first, Mr. Choi. After that, I'll show you the results from your last biopsy." 

Dr. Cho works efficiently; checking his heart rate and blood pressure, asking questions about his symptoms to both him and Taehyun, monitoring his medicine intake, and so many more that Soobin lost count.

"Okay, looks like everything is still on track so far. You said you haven't been able to keep your food down, but that's normal with the new medicine we're using for the chemo. But overall, your condition has been in line with our biopsy results," Dr. Cho opens up the map she's been holding and pulls out a piece of paper. "We've tested the amount of cancer cells in your body from your last biopsy to the ones before. In here," she points at one of the numbers on the paper, "see how the numbers are less than the ones above it? It means the percentage of the abnormal cells are lower than before."

Taehyun takes a hold of Soobin's hand. "Which means?"

"That the treatment has shown improvement for Mr. Choi," Dr. Cho affirms. She turns her eyes towards Soobin, "As you've said before, you have felt less pain than you did when you first came in a year ago. If we keep this up, we're hoping we can get the percentage of the abnormal cells lower and lower with each treatment. By then, we're hoping we'll be able to get a better prognosis for you."

Soobin turns his head to face Taehyun. The dark circles under his eyes are prominent and his cheeks look a little hollow. But his eyes, God, his eyes. It is brighter than any night sky Soobin has ever seen. Even if it is adorned with unshed tears, for the first time Soobin sees something that he hasn't seen from Taehyun in so long. The last time he saw it was just before he received his diagnosis, before the whirlwind that has come into their lives and take everything they have along their path.

It is hope.

Soobin moves his hand to cup Taehyun's cheek, stroking them lovingly while Taehyun noses into his palm and leaves kisses on it. "We'll make it."

Taehyun smiles. "We'll make it."

____

"What's the weirdest dream you had lately?"

Soobin finds himself back on the bench, with Taehyun laying down curled up with his head placed on Soobin's lap. It's a quiet night, the only sound accompanying them is the soft blow of the wind. The moon is nowhere to be seen and there are a few stars hanging from the sky. Soobin doesn't mind it, though. It allows his thoughts to quiet down.

"Hm...let me think," Taehyun hums. "Probably that one time where I dreamed of turning into a cat."

Soobin giggles. "For real?"

"Yeah," Taehyun replies. "I remember that I was stuck in cat form in our apartment and I couldn't find where you are, so I just kept meowing up a storm. You eventually found me and somehow you figured out the cat was me. No idea how you knew that."

"In Dream-Soobin's defense, you already kinda look like a cat, Tyun."

Taehyun scrunches up his nose in disagreement. "Well, some would like to argue that I'm more squirrel-like, but okay." He continues, "Well dream-you knowing it was me didn't do anything useful either, because you ended up not helping at all. You just kept kissing my belly and trying to eat my face."

The absurdity of it makes Soobin let out a loud laugh. It was so ridiculous and out of pocket, but at the same time, Soobin is laughing over how it was something that he'll probably do if he finds himself in that situation. 

Taehyun tries to show his annoyance by pouting, but soon little chimes of his giggles ring in Soobin's ears, slowly escalating into full on laughter as well. Soon, they're laughing together and curling up over each other like drunk teenagers in a park, spewing up random nonsense that only the two of them understands the humor of. 

Taehyun tries to catch his breath by sitting up from his previous position, leaning into Soobin's arm to steady himself. He looks up at the still laughing man and chuckles while he wipes the tears of laughter from the corner of Soobin's eyes. 

"I love it when you laugh," Taehyun says. "Your face is all scrunched up except for your smile. You smile the biggest while you laugh." He moves his hands to poke Soobin's cheek, "and your dimples appear, too. It's like every inch of your face is trying to show you're happy. It's beautiful. You're beautiful."

Soobin blushes. He isn't someone who cares a lot about his looks, but he's not going to lie that it doesn't hurt when he saw sickly, pale green skin, bone like limbs, and thinning hair every time he looks in the mirror. It honestly surprises him that Taehyun still finds him even remotely attractive.

"Thank you," Soobin replies softly. "You're not so bad yourself."

"Still so shy, hyungie. Just like when we first started dating. I've waited so long for you to ask me out, but in the end I gotta do it myself because you can barely look at me in the eyes when we started getting closer."

"Well, can you blame me? You're literally the smartest kid in our class, already taking AP classes two years your senior. And you just look so adorable with your constant rambling of hypersonic law with your big boba eyes, but when you're just sitting there you look like you could be a prince," Soobin chuckles. "But I made up for it, right? I proposed to you first."

"That you did," Taehyun confirms. "I already bought a ring and prepared everything. I wanted to propose to you on your birthday, but you beat me to it," he takes Soobin's hands into his, making their rings line up together. "Funny how we still managed to get matching ones, too. I guess we really are made for each other."

Taehyun presses a kiss to his temple, and then on his shoulder. In turn, Soobin lifts their joined hands and kisses the back of Taehyun's palm. Taehyun's hands is smaller than his, Soobin wistfully thinks as he looks at them, but somehow, they always manage to make Soobin feel safe. He'd like to think he'll be able to face the world while holding hands with his love. Maybe, that will include being able to beat this cancer to the ground, too.

"How's everything going in the office? Anything new?" Soobin asks.

Taehyun's face visibly lits up. "We finally got approval to continue the next stage of developing ALS-I, hyung!" 

Soobin gasps. ALS-I is a spacecraft project that he and Taehyun had been working on in the institute. The board of directors had trusted the two of them to lead the project, believing that their best young engineers will be able to build Korea's first spacecraft to reach Earth's orbit. For the last two years, he and Taehyun had spent their blood, sweat, and tears for this project. Soobin would say that it's basically their baby, with how much care and consideration they put into it. 

The last time Soobin worked on it, he had been developing the blueprint that will be used as a satellite for the vehicle. It had been a tedious process that almost causes Soobin to broke down, with how much pressure he received from the higher-ups and how many things he had to do to make sure he won't mess this up. Countless formulas and calculations, consulting with multiple engineers from several institutes and countries, and reading up what felt like thousands of research papers would make the average person go absolutely insane. And Soobin is just an average person. 

The one thing that had kept him going was Taehyun. The shine in Taehyun's eyes when Soobin explains his findings. The warmth of his hand on Soobin's after yet another revision needed to be done. The styrofoam container being held in front of Soobin's face with the delicious smell of sundubu jiggae wafting through his senses, with Taehyun's small smile coming along with them. The little things, the simple things, the way Taehyun showed how much he believed in Soobin, made Soobin also believed that perhaps, he could do it.

But of course, fate has other plans for them.

Soobin stares at his fiance in disbelief. "Really? Already?"

"Yes!" Taehyun exclaims. "And you know what the best part is? We're gonna use your blueprint to launch into stage two. Your blueprint."

"I...what?" Soobin stutters. "But, but I...wait. I haven't even worked on the blueprint again. There's still so much calculations we have to do and the craft design needs to be reviewed by so many people. How did it get approved?"

"Well, the last time you worked on it, you were pretty much 95% done, hyung. So Kai and I took over to complete the rest. We did everything we needed to get the approval for it, and once we did, we presented them to the board of directors. And now, well..." Taehyun takes both of Soobin's hands into his, "we're gonna build a spacecraft, hyung."

"Oh, Taehyun," Soobin gapes in disbelief. "And you're just telling me this right now?"

"Well, I have more important things to think about. It just slipped my mind," Taehyun replies, the glint in his eyes mischievous yet fond. 

"And the more important things would be...?"

"You, of course," Taehyun admits shamelessly, causing Soobin's cheeks to redden slightly. Soobin is a little bit grateful that it's dark out right now, giving no chance for Taehyun to tease him. "Can I be honest, hyungie?"

"Of course, Hyunnie."

"Ever since we knew that the medication is working, I've been feeling hopeful," Taehyun confesses. "I guess that's why I've been distracted from telling you what's happening at the institute until you asked me. It's just...I feel like we can start thinking about our future again. Maybe we can plan around getting that house or adopting a pet that we always talked about. Or, we can think about going on a vacation to Japan and visit the anime exhibition that you've bookmarked as your wishlist so long ago. We can also finally visit Super Chamchi again and eat all the seafood we want, Seokjin hyung would've been so proud of us," Taehyun squeezes Soobin's hand, "maybe we can even start planning our wedding."

Soobin feels his eyes tear up. "I'd love that so much, Hyunnie. That's all I want."

Taehyun brings their forehead together, softly nudging his nose against Soobin's. "And we'll make it happen. Just hold on a little longer, okay? And I'll be here with you, every step of the way."

Soobin chuckles wetly. The thought of being able to continue his life after putting it on halt for so long is anxiety inducing, of course. But he figures that it will be okay. It's okay for him to continue dreaming, to feel excited, to hope. Taehyun makes him feel braver.

Soobin pulls away to snuggle his way into Taehyun's arms. "Can we start planning our wedding then, Taehyunnie?"

"Of course, what do you have in mind babe?"

Soobin hums. "I haven't really thought about it that much. What about you?"

Taehyun shrugs. "It doesn't matter to me. As long as I get to call you my husband at the end of the day, that should be enough."

Soobin laughs. "Okay, raincheck on it then? Maybe we can finally do what all those couples do. You know, read those wedding magazines, go cake tasting, try on some suits, look at wedding invitation designs, just so we know what we'd like?"

Taehyun nods his head and nudges against Soobin. "I'll ask for those magazines to Yeonjun-hyung then. He'll be so excited to know we're starting to plan."

Soobin giggles in agreement. He sighs and turns his head towards the sky. The stars are spaced sparsely among the dark, with the moon taking in half of its form. 

"No matter how many times I look at it, the sky is always so beautiful," Soobin says. 

"I agree," Soobin hears Taehyun say, but he knows his gaze is elsewhere, making the blush threaten to show on Soobin's face again, so he chooses to ignore it.

"I think the reason why I like looking up at the stars is because I know they're so much bigger than me, and it makes me feel so small," Soobin shrugs. "It doesn't mean it's a bad thing, feeling small. In a way I feel...protected, somehow? I feel comfortable and secure. Even though there's so many things happening all at once to me, in the grand scheme of things, I'm one but a small atom among giants. Whatever happens to me won't effect the rest of the world. I'm not a catastrophe waiting to explode."

The sight of Taehyun's watery eyes makes Soobin realizes his own tears have slipped down his cheeks. He reaches out to wipe Taehyun's eyes, but before he can do that, Taehyun put the hand reaching out on his cheek. 

"I love you so much, hyung," Taehyun whispers. "But you're wrong about something."

"You said that whatever happens to you won't effect the rest of the world. But that's not true, because if anything happens to you, it will destroy me. Because you are my world, hyung. I am a catastrophe waiting to explode if you leave," Taehyun cries. "So please, stay. Don't go too far, to where I can't follow."

Soobin sobs. Before he knows it, he feels Taehyun's lips against his and their hands pulling against each other, wishing to be as close to each other as possible. He can feel the saltiness of his tears mixed with Taehyun's, the knock of his teeth on his, and the warmth of his breath on his face, but it isn't enough. It's never enough. 

I want to stay too, Soobin pleads silently. Please, don't let me go.

"What about this one?"

"Too simple."

"Okay, what about this one?"

"Hmmm...that's just too complicated."

"I kinda like this one, too."

"Well, I don't like the price. There's no way we can afford that."

"This one is a little cheaper! And those ruffles going down the back of the suit makes it look...haute couture?"

"You don't even know what that word means. And no, Soobin and I will trip all over each other if we wear that."

Beomgyu throws the magazine he's been holding on the bed. "I give up! We've been looking at these wedding magazines for hours and you said no to every single one of the suits!"

Kai laughs. "It's because you keep choosing the bad ones, Gyu hyung. Your taste is just atrocious."

"Ya, you punk!" Beomgyu yells back. "I'd like to see you do better. Here, you try," he shoves some magazines into Kai's lap, making the younger stumble a little bit on his seat."

"Fine! Challenge accepted," Kai flips through one of the pages for a few minutes before settling on one and showing them to Taehyun and Soobin. "Look! This one looks so cute right? It's a different look which I'm sure will stun the guests."

"There is no way in hell we're wearing lime green suits!"

Soobin watches as the cycle of his friends arguing with his fiance over his fashion choices starts again from the comfort of Taehyun's arms. They both have been sitting up on the bed with Soobin leaning on Taehyun's chest, watching as Beomgyu and Kai flips through the wedding magazines Yeonjun had brought with him over the past few months by the end of his bed.

Today is definitely a bad day. He's been enduring the new medication given through his chemo for the past four months now. While he was feeling better during the beginning of the procedure, he's been getting weaker and weaker as each day goes by. He still can't stomach any food given to him, not even the pudding cups he can wolf down months ago. The nurses has resorted to giving him his nutrition through the IV drip while hoping he'll improve enough along the way to eat something. The pain in his bones have started to reappear, rendering him bedridden once again. Dr. Cho tries her best to reassure them that the medication is still working, showing the number of cancer cells lessening with each biopsy. However, Soobin can't miss the concerned and sceptical look Taehyun keeps throwing at her. Soobin doesn't blame him, he has a hard time believing in her, too. 

He assumes that is the reason their friends have come to visit them again, minus Yeonjun who has offered to get them the mail delivered to their apartment. As he watches them bicker back and forth, Soobin feels nothing but peace. Everything seems to fall into place for the five of them to cross into each other's lives. Soobin and Beomgyu had been childhood best friends, so is Taehyun and Yeonjun. Then, Soobin befriended Kai in college after helping the lost freshman to get to astrophysics class, the class he happened to act as Assistant as well. After introducing him to the other three, Soobin felt the puzzle pieces click into place. Now, they are basically inseparable.

He lets their voices slowly lul him to sleep, before hearing the door to his room opening.

"I'm here!" Yeonjun sing-songs in the doorway before entering the room, his face is slightly covered by several boxes and envelopes in his arms. "You guys have way too much mail! And so many packages from...Ktown4u? Why?"

Taehyun laughs and carefully gets up from his seat to help Yeonjun carry the things. "Those are our Twice albums, hyung. Now give it!" 

Soobin giggles as he sees Taehyun and Yeonjun put the boxes on the couch at the end of the room, with Yeonjun grumbling the whole time about the need for big boxes for 1 CD and Taehyun excitedly scanning each package, his already round eyes becoming even wider as he confirmed whatever is inside the box. The man lets out a little shriek of joy before moving on to the next package. His fiance is just so cute, with his boba ball eyes and small noises. If only he has the energy right now, Soobin would kiss him silly.

Once they make sure the boxes won't topple over, Yeonjun gives the envelopes to Taehyun for him to sort through while he walks to Soobin's bedside.

"So, what have you guys been up to?"

"Picking out suits!" Kai answers excitedly. "Too bad Taehyun doesn't like all of our picks, though. Personally, I think mine has been pretty solid."

Beomgyu scoffs. "No way. Didn't you just choose a suit that has a hoodie attached to it? Whoever designed that needs to be jailed and whoever likes them should be locked up with them too."

Kai squawks scandalously. "Meanie! I happen to like it because it looks soft and fluffy, so I know that it'll be comfy, and who doesn't want to be comfy on their wedding day? I know I want to."

"It's a because you're basically a giant plushie, Kai," Yeonjun jests. "Of course you would be mesmerized by soft things. It's basically what you're made of."

"I am pretty soft and fluffy," Kai agrees. He gets up from his seat and purposely sits on Beomgyu's lap to give him a hug. "Aren't I Gyu hyungie? Am I your favorite plushie?"

While Beomgyu tries to stop Kai from nuzzling into his cheek and slobbering wet smooches all over his face, Yeonjun turns to Soobin, who has been mostly silent the whole time. 

"How are you doing, Binnie?" He asks. "You been feeling okay?"

Soobin takes some time to answer Yeonjun, trying to gather his thoughts while working through the pain suddenly sparking up his back. "I've been better," he croaks out. "Just trying to hang on."

"No offense Bin-ah, but you don't look so good," Yeonjun furrows his eyebrows in concern.

"Gee, thanks hyung," Soobin chuckles wetly.

"No, I mean you look like you're in pain," Yeonjun sighs. "If it really does hurt a lot for you, please don't hide it from anyone, okay? All of us wants you to get better, not be in more pain than you have to be. If it's too much, we'll find another way. We always do."

Soobin wants to express just how far Yeonjun's words is from the truth. Ever since Soobin found out about his diagnosis, it has been so many different medications tested back and forth on him like he was some kind of experiment rabbit. None of them worked though, they just made Soobin be in more pain. So when this one medication works, Soobin wants to hold on to it as much as possible. It's his only lifeline.

Instead, Soobin just nods his head slowly in response to Yeonjun. He tries to shift the conversation to another topic. "I've been looking through the magazines and websites that you gave us, hyung." 

"Really? Anything caught your eye so far?"

"They're all really pretty suits, hyung. I like them a lot," Soobin pauses. "I just don't know if any of them is The One."

"No worries, you can take some time to decide, Soobin. Your options are not just limited to what you see here," Yeonjun gestures towards the magazine Soobin is holding. "Maybe you can even make a pair of them custom made? That can always be an option. Or maybe...I can show you some of my designs sometime? See if there's anything you both like?"

"Thank you, Yeonjun-hyung. That means a lot," Soobin smiles. "We'll think about it. You always have the most amazing designs. Taehyun and I would be honored to wear one of your creations."

Yeonjun visibly beams. Even though Soobin knows Yeonjun in the least amount of time out of all the people in the room, their bond is no different than any of the others. Yeonjun had been weary of Soobin's intentions to Taehyun, who he sees as his own little brother, and Soobin had been intimidated and worried over meeting the one of the people who means the most to Taehyun. At the end of the day, the love that they both have for the younger man is enough to make them closer, to the point that they also see each other as brothers.

Yeonjun has graduated from the fashion design major at the same time as Soobin. He currently works as a Senior Designer at one of Korea's leading fashion brand, so Soobin trusts his taste. He even asked for the elder's help in picking out a ring to propose to Taehyun (not knowing that Taehyun also did the same, which in hindsight probably explains why they ended up with matching engagement rings). That's why there isn't a single doubt in Soobin to trust Yeonjun in working on their wedding suits as well, if they ever get to it.

Soobin flips through the magazines in his lap again, but as he is starting to become entranced in one of the venue designs, Taehyun's trembling voice breaks through his thoughts.

"Hyung."

Soobin looks up to see Taehyun holding two envelopes in his hands. There's a slight quiver to his grip and an unreadable gaze in his eyes as he stares back at Soobin, which triggers Soobin's alertness. 

"What is it, Taehyun-ah?"

Taehyun is silent for a long while, before speaking up with a apprehensive look on his face. "It's a letter from NASA."

Right. They did sign up to go to the ISS a year ago, but haven't received a response. In the midst of everything that has been happening, it got pushed to the back of their minds. Now, it has come back to remind them of their existence. A dream that once upon a time Taehyun and Soobin thought would be impossible to reach is now written behind the two pieces of envelope in Taehyun's hands.

Soobin feels butterflies in his stomach. He reaches his hand out to Taehyun, gesturing the young man to get closer. Right now, he needs his touch more than ever, because he's pretty sure he's about to projectile vomit across the room. And it's not because of the cancer.

Taehyun takes a seat on the side of the bed and holds Soobin's hand into his. He hands him one of the envelopes, where on the bottom corner, Soobin's full name was typed neatly in little fonts, along with his address and contact number. On the top left, the NASA insignia was stamped immaculately.

Tension in the room builds. Beomgyu and Kai's laughter has faded away long ago, while Yeonjun's gaze feels like holes burning into Soobin's brain. Taehyun's usual soft eyes harden at the edges, his jaw locks in tension as he looks into Soobin's eyes with agitation. It reminds Soobin of boy he met during aerodynamics class many years ago, determined but anxious about the path he chooses to take.

Soobin tries his best to bring Taehyun back from spiraling, squeezing his hand and rubbing his thumb on his palm. "Shall we open it together, Taehyun-ah?"

Taehyun nods silently. 

"No matter what happens, it'll be okay. Your life does not only depend on what this piece of paper say, you understand me?" Soobin continues.

"Yes, hyung," Taehyun whispers back. "And you too, hyung. No matter what is inside that envelope, we'll get through this together. You have me, you have all of us."

Taehyun kisses Soobin's temple and breathes in his scent briefly. Soobin recognizes this as the man seeking comfort for himself, so he lets him. He silently seeks comfort from Taehyun's touch too, bumping his forehead into Taehyun's lightly, making him smile a little.

Soobin pulls away and stares at the envelope in his hand. This is it. The answer to one of his dreams is so close. The butterflies inside his stomach flutter wildly, flying up into his chest and almost knocking his heart out of it. Although, he doesn't know if it's out of happiness or despair. 

Soobin rips the top of the envelope and takes out the folded of paper inside it. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Taehyun do the same. He opens the paper up and reads it.

Dear Soobin Choi, 

It is our pleasure to inform you that you have been selected to represent South Korea in the International Space Station to join our voyage of the Solar System Exploration. 

We are impressed by your dedication and passion in the field, and we think you'd be a great addition to our team. Kindly confirm your participation by mailing your acceptance back to us and we'll assist you in preparing for your take off by the latest 2 weeks after you receive this letter.

Regards.

"I got in."

Soobin's jumbled up thoughts are interrupted by Taehyun's voice. Despite reading the words on the paper, he can't seem to grasp what it means, his head spins as the words and letters get mixed up in his mind. His head is starting to hurt, the kind of pain that feels like a stab on the brain, pressing and throbbing until Soobin feels like he's about to explode.

"Hyung, I-"

A hint of red drops onto the paper he's holding. First, they are as thin as raindrops. Before Soobin knows it, all he sees is red. All he feels is wetness coming down his nose, a slight tangy and salty taste of blood flows through between his lips. He hears screams and shouts coming from around him, recognizing Kai's cry, Beomgyu's shout, Yeonjun's pleads, and Taehyun's scream at him to stay awake. 

His eyes grow heavier and heavier, and Soobin thinks it's okay for him to rest for a little while. Just a few minutes, until it's all okay again. Until the beeping sound, the screams, and the sounds of metal hitting against metal stop.

At least I can still feel Taehyun's hand on mine, Soobin thinks, before he slowly lets himself drift away, surrendering to the endless darkness beneath him. 

"How many nights do you think it'll take to count the stars?"

They are back on Pause again, sitting beside each other on the lone bench, with the night sky accompanying them. Though, it's difficult to call it a Pause anymore, where they can pretend that Soobin is not dying, that their time is not limited. 

Soobin is barely lucid these days. He's either awake enough to attempt some sort of slurred out communication or he's completely knocked out of his mind, sleeping almost 24 hours of the day, if only Taehyun doesn't wake him up to eat something. His skin is also covered in bruises, constellations of black and blue adorning almost every part of his body.

Turns out the medication that was given to Soobin these past few months works just too much for him too handle. Instead of just killing the cancer cells attacking Soobin's body, they also destroyed the healthy cells that Soobin has left, including those from his organs and bones. That's the cause of the heavy nosebleed Soobin experienced a few days ago; the medication has gotten to his respiratory system. 

Dr. Cho has confirmed that there is nothing else they can do that won't cause more harm to Soobin's already fragile body. Any other method will only make him feel more pain, possibly sending him to an early grave. The best they can do is alleviate the symptoms and make Soobin feel as comfortable as possible, for however long he has left. 

Taehyun had been calm and collected when Dr. Cho told them the news, but Soobin had heard him cry in the middle of the night, when he thought Soobin was sleeping. He wants so badly to hold him close, kiss away his tears, tell him that it's going to be alright, that he will always be there for him no matter what. Except he can't do that. Those are the things he can't promise to Taehyun anymore. So he turned his back to Taehyun and shut his eyes tighter, trying his best not to let his own tears fall.

Today is one of the rare days that Soobin is aware and lucid enough to recognize his surroundings. The first thing he does is ask Taehyun to take him for a Pause.

"There's so many of them..." Soobin looks to the sky in awe. Tonight, it seems like all of the stars are showing their shine, with how they scatter across the sky like glitter. Soobin can even see some of them twinkle faintly, like it's saying hello to anyone who's looking at them. "I don't think one night would've been enough, no. Even two nights are still too few. It feels like it will probably take around... around..."

"Infinity," Taehyun answers wistfully. 

"Yeah," Soobin whispers back. "But I wouldn't mind doing it at all. If I could just stay in this moment for infinity, I would."

Soobin reaches his hand through the gap between them and takes Taehyun's hand into his. He watches their fingers interlock against each other, his longer digits enwrapping Taehyun's smaller ones. He looks at the younger's face, noting the dark circles under his eyes, his sunken cheeks, and his slightly ruffled hair. The usual light in his eyes is gone, leaving only a dull black. Soobin's heart breaks. He wishes he can protect Taehyun from all of this. From him. 

"Taehyun-ah. I'm sorry."

Taehyun tilts his head curiously. "What for hyung?"

"I'm sorry...that I'm not gonna make it."

Soobin looks away from Taehyun's gaze back to their intertwined hands, trying to hide the tears building up in his eyes. "I'm so sorry you've wasted your time taking care of a dying man with no hope to live. I'm so sorry for building your hopes up, for promising you a future that's never going to come true."

"I wish I could give you the world like how you have given to me. Your touch, your warmth, your comfort, your belief in me, and just...just you being you, your smile, your laugh. The way your eyes lit up when you talk about the things you like. Your little scream when you're surprised. How you like to snuggle into my neck and when we cuddle. How you will always try to lift me in your arms whenever we kiss. All the little things, it meant the world to me. I'm so sorry I couldn't give you anything more. You deserve so much better than this."

Soobin lifts his head to find Taehyun's tearful eyes staring back at him with tear tracks running down his cheeks. He rarely sees Taehyun cry, so it hurts his heart that he has to be the reason of Taehyun's tears. Soobin wipes them away with his thumb before letting his touch linger on his fiance's face.

Taehyun sobs. "Hyung..."

"Please listen to me," Soobin begs. "You don't deserve to have your life halted because of me. I've taken so much from you, I can't possibly take you away from your dream, too. So please, say yes to the ISS. It's okay."

"You still have so much to live for, Taehyunnie. Don't let me hold you back. I'll be happier to watch you reach what you've always dreamed of, even if it's without me."

Taehyun pulls away from Soobin abruptly. He turns away and put his head in his hands, silently weeping into them. Soobin can only look on while he keeps his sobs on his own. He tries to pull Taehyun into a hug, but the younger man pushes him away. He has no choice, he has to let Taehyun know, even if it hurts to face the truth. 

Time passes by in silence between them, with Taehyun just crying into his hands and Soobin staring at him helplessly. Soobin can't tell how long they've stayed on the bench, but he feels the breeze of the wind piercing through his skin, making his teeth chatter and his body shiver. 

Taehyun lifts his head from his hands. He spends a few minutes staring into the distance before standing and wordlessly lifting Soobin up to help him sit back on the wheelchair parked beside the bench. He pushes the wheelchair back from the park to Soobin's hospital room, carrying the older and laying him back on the bed. After making sure Soobin is comfortable, he leaves the room without a word.

In the stillness of the room, for the first time ever since learning about his diagnosis, Soobin feels suffocated.

Taehyun hasn't returned in a week.

After the third day of him walking out on Soobin, he had asked Seokjin and Jeongguk for help to check if he's in their apartment, but he isn't there either. Kai also had mentioned how Taehyun hadn't been going to work at all.

Soobin was on the edge of panicking when one evening, Beomgyu received a new message from Yeonjun. 

He's with me. Don't worry. Give him some time.

Soobin knew that the message was addressed to him, considering how he hadn't bothered to check his phone a lot during his stay at the hospital. It makes sense for Yeonjun to contact Beomgyu first, as he's been one of the few people frequenting Soobin's room besides Taehyun and Seokjin. Although Soobin had hoped to hear from Taehyun directly, he breathed a deep sigh of relief once he knew that Taehyun is safe. He assumes that Taehyun has probably accepted the offer from NASA, so maybe he's preparing himself for that right now with Yeonjun helping him.

Once Soobin's mind realizes that Taehyun is okay, his body decides to give up on him entirely. The pain has spread over all of his bones and muscles, rendering him unable to move entirely most of the time. It got to the point where he has to use bedpans to go to the toilet. His nosebleeds become more frequent, sometimes he wakes up with blood running down his face without even realizing. He notices how he has lost more weight than ever too, with how his bones become more prominent. One time, Beomgyu tried to circle his wrist with his fingers, and his thumb and ring finger touched.

Soobin realizes that his end is coming, and he accepts it with open arms. His only regret is that the last night he saw the love of his life may be the last time he will see him ever, with Taehyun crying because of him.

That's what he's been thinking about while laying in the hospital bed, with Beomgyu sitting beside him while trying to feed him. It's just the two of them in there right now, as Seokjin had left the hospital to run some errands.

It feels weird to be quiet when he's in a room together with Beomgyu. Usually, the other man would have been up to shenanigans whenever they're together, pulling Soobin along with him until he has no choice but to comply. It's been like that ever since they were little, when Beomgyu's family moved from Daegu to Ansan, right across the house Soobin's family lived in. Soobin would often complain about having to clean up after his mess or hearing his constant scream in his ear, but he secretly enjoys all the time spent with his best friend.

Soobin watches as Beomgyu scoops a spoonful of oatmeal to feed him with. "Can you eat any more, hyung?" Beomgyu asks softly.

Soobin shakes his head slowly. "Done," he whispers.

Beomgyu nods, looking down at the full bowl. Oatmeal seems to be the only food Soobin can stomach this week. Even then, the oatmeal in the bowl only has a few small dents made here and there.

Beomgyu puts away the bowl on the meal tray before helping Soobin to drink his water. Once he is done, he settles back to sit on Soobin's bedside. "Do you want to watch anything?" He says while reaching out for the TV remote on the bedside table.

Soobin shakes his head. "Just...want rest."

"Okay hyung, let me tuck you in."

Beomgyu helps Soobin settle against his pillows. Looking at Beomgyu like this, eyebrows slightly furrowed and lips turned downwards, he can't help but remember the six year old boy standing across his house, crying because his mom called him to have dinner while he wanted to continue playing with his new friend. He remembers pushing Beomgyu on the swing during recess, hearing his giggles as the swing went higher and higher. He remembers talking about their first crushes in middle school, where Beomgyu admitted to finding the girl from 9th grade cute and Soobin confessed how one of the boys in their class made his heart feel funny. He wondered if that was weird, but Beomgyu just shrugged and said that he could like whoever, it didn't matter to him. 

Beomgyu is the first person Soobin told about Taehyun. He listened to him ramble about the boy with the wide bright eyes from aerodynamics, and how the way the boy looked at him made the butterflies in his stomach went wild. He talked about how the boy had the same dream as him, and how he had took his hand and promised to reach their dream together. Soobin told him about how he wanted to be with the boy forever, and Beomgyu had been rooting for them for every milestone they went through. Hell, he even came all the way to Seoul to help Soobin pick out the ring for Taehyun he planned to propose to him with.

"Comfy?" Beomgyu asks once he covers Soobin's body with a blanket.

Soobin gives a small hum of affirmation. He eyes Beomgyu in contemplation for a while, wondering if it's even possible to ask this of him, if it will be too much.

"Hyung," Beomgyu interrupts Soobin's train of thoughts. "I know what you're thinking."

The man moves a stray hair away from Soobin's forehead. "It's okay. You don't need to say anything. I'll look after Taehyun," his voice cracks. "After all, he's my friend too. So don't you worry, okay? He'll be alright. He'll have us."

Soobin feels a sob threatening to break through his chest. Beomgyu takes his hand in his and squeezes, his own tears slowly running down his cheeks. Soobin squeezes his best friend's hand back. "Thank you," he whispers.

"Don't mention it. We'll take care of him for you. Now, rest easy. I'll be here if you wake up."

Soobin lets the darkness carry him away.

"Lovie, wake up."

Soobin feels soft kisses against his face, bringing him back from his deep sleep. It takes a while for his eyes to adjust to the brightness of the room, making him squint his eyes to get used to the light and whine softly from being woken up. Once his vision is clear, he is greeted with a familiar silhouette of a person. The bright rounded eyes, the one-sided dimpled smile, the brown hair falling over his forehead, and his soft hands caressing his hair. 

"Taehyun-ah," Soobin breathes out.

"Hi angel," Taehyun replies back, moving the hand caressing his hair down to his cheek. 

"You're...you're back," Soobin extends his arms to reach out towards Taehyun. Taehyun pulls him into a hug, burying his face on Soobin's shoulder and pulling Soobin close to his chest.

Soobin breathes in his familiar woody scent and cries. "I miss you so much."

"I miss you too, baby," Taehyun admits tearfully. "I'm sorry for leaving just like that. It kills me to know that I've hurt you, I didn't mean to. I love you so much, hyung."

Soobin feels Taehyun pepper small kisses on his head, whispered apologies being uttered in between each of them. "I know, it's okay. I love you too," Soobin breathes, closing his eyes and snuggling into Taehyun's neck, letting the younger hold him longer. He can tell how much Taehyun needs this, just as much as he needs his embrace too. 

After a few moments, Soobin opens his eyes to find a few pair looking back at him. Jeongguk is holding on to Seokjin from his bedside, while Yeonjun, Beomgyu, and Kai are standing at the foot of his bed.

The thing that Soobin notices the most is how everyone is wearing a formal wear of some sort, either a suit or a formal shirt. Soobin pulls away from the hug to look at Taehyun mindfully. The younger is wearing a white shirt and a black tuxedo jacket adorned paired with black pants. The bangs that usually falls over his eyes are slicked back to the side, showing of his forehead and adding some volume to his hair. 

"Hi handsome," Soobin gushes. "What's going on here?"

Taehyun pauses for a while, taking Soobin's hands into his. "I've been thinking about it for a while. About you, me, and us. And I've taken this past few weeks to really, really think about us."

"I know we're living on borrowed time, that any second now, you can be taken away from me. And as much as I don't want to, as much as it hurts me, I have to face the truth," Taehyun sniffs. "So knowing that I might not have much time left to be with you, to be us, I've decided that...I can't spend another second without having you as my husband, and without having me be yours. I want to be yours in every way possible," Taehyun presses a kiss against the back of Soobin's hand. "So let's get married hyung, right now."

Soobin baulks. "Taehyun..."

"Don't worry hyung, we've got everything prepared. All you have to do is say I do."

"Who's gonna officiate our wedding, then?"

"That would be me," Seokjin raises his hand. "Those errands that I've been running these past few days, that was me trying to get my officiant license. I'd be honored to marry you both, baby brother."

Soobin hesitates. "But, but I look like such a mess...I can't even walk, or shower, or..."

"We'll help you with that, hyung!" Kai speaks up. "We've prepared a suit for you already. And we can give you a little makeover! Yeonjun hyung has brought some of his makeup for you to use. Trust us, we're gonna make you both be the prettiest grooms tonight."

Soobin finds himself tongue tied. He can't believe this is happening to him, it's so fast he can barely even process it. "But Taehyun-ah...what about your trip to the ISS? You have only a few days left until you have to answer them..."

"Hyung," Taehyun affirms. "I'm letting the ISS go."

Soobin gapes. "What?"

"I'm letting it go, hyung. All of those things...it just doesn't matter anymore. Not when I don't have you by my side."

"But Taehyun...please..." Soobin pleads. "It's...it's your dream. You can't just let it go just because of me. I..I won't be able to forgive myself...if you have to sacrifice what you've been wanting forever just to be stuck with me."

"Soobin-ah, please," Taehyun says fiercely. "Do you trust me?"

Soobin takes a few moments to fix his gaze at the man in front of him once more. "I do."

"Then trust me on this, okay?" Taehyun kisses Soobin's hands. "I've thought a lot about this decision for the past few days. I've been questioning myself, questioning you, everything, everybody. And the answer is always the same. Believe me, letting go of the ISS is worth nothing than staying here with you. Nothing is worth more than being with you."

"Taehyun," Soobin wavers. "You're sure you wanna do this? You're letting go of the ISS to...to be with me?"

"I've never been so sure of anything in my life, hyung," Taehyun smiles. "So what do you say, my love? Will you marry me, right here, right now?"

Soobin wraps his arms around Taehyun's neck, pulling him into a kiss. Right before their lips meet, Soobin whispers his answer. 

"Yes."

Soobin has never felt prettier in his life.

His friends are quick to get to work. Jeongguk ushers Taehyun and Kai to the waiting room while Seokjin, Yeonjun, and Beomgyu help him get ready. Yeonjun puts on Soobin's make up for him, while Seokjin and Beomgyu help Soobin put on his suit while he's sitting up on the bed.

"It's dad's wedding suit," Seokjin says as he helps Soobin button up his white shirt and suit jacket. "I found it while I was rummaging through our old stuff in my apartment. I think he would want you to wear it to your own special day."

The suit itself is simple. It's made out of black velvet with satin lapels. The squared design on the shoulders makes Soobin look a little broader than he actually is. Seokjin buttons the similar space themed pins that Taehyun wears onto Soobin's jacket before straightening up his outfit, patting his shoulders and chest to get rid of any wrinkles.

Seokjin hands Soobin a hand mirror so he can look at himself. The makeup on his face hides how pale he actually is, making his skin look even warmer. The suit is small in size, but Soobin manages to make it look oversized, the sleeves of the shirt and jacket racing against each other while resting on Soobin's knuckles. What is left of Soobin's hair is brushed to look decent, hiding the bald spots on random parts of his head. Despite it all, Soobin has never felt better. 

He's finally going to marry the love of his life. 

"Oh Soobin," Seokjin sighs. "You're so beautiful. So grown up already. I wish I could protect you, keep you safe all the time," he engulfs Soobin into a hug and kisses his forehead. "But you've found someone who will do a better job than me. I'm so proud of you. And I'm happy to give you away to Taehyun."

Soobin squeezes his brother tighter. He doesn't say anything, because he figures Seokjin knows what he's thinking. It's not your fault. Thank you for everything. I love you so much. When I'm gone, please take care of yourself well.

"Are you ready, Soobin?" Beomgyu asks, standing near the doorway of the room. 

"Never been more ready for anything," Soobin replies.

Beomgyu opens the door, revealing Taehyun standing on the other side with Jeongguk and Kai standing beside him. Soobin sees the way Taehyun's breath hitched when he sees him. 

Suddenly, the room becomes pitch dark, erasing Soobin's vision completely. Before he can voice his confusion, the whole ceiling and walls explodes in the color dark blue. Little streaks of pink, purple, and green are spaced through the blue, making them look like they're moving in waves. While Soobin is still trying to process what he sees, dotted specks of white spread out all across the surfaces, making it look like they're surrounded by stars among the galaxy.

Taehyun giggles as he sees his fiance's expression; his eyes as wide as saucers and his jaw dropping. "Surprise?"

"I can't believe you!" Soobin beams. "What...how..."

"It's just a little technology, hyung," Taehyun points to the other side of the room, where a little round contraption is set up on the floor, projecting the lights Soobin is seeing. "It's not really extravagant, just a simple projector lamp I got from the store. But you told me how much you find comfort in the stars, and I want you to feel as comfortable as possible during our wedding day."

"You remembered," Soobin pulls Taehyun into a hug. "Thank you so much. I love it. I love you. I love you so much."

"I love you, too," Taehyun replies. "You look beautiful by the way. The most gorgeous man I've ever known. I can't wait to marry you and call you my husband."

"Me too."

"Seokjin hyung, shall we start?" Taehyun asks, taking Soobin's hands into his.

"Of course," Seokjin takes his place on the bedside table nearing the two lovers, his hands holding onto a little notebook. Their other friends each take their place surrounding the bed. Faint sounds of a piano playing is heard from the projector, but Soobin recognizes the song all the same. It's their song.

"Dearly beloveds," Seokjin starts. "We are gathered here today to celebrate the love and union of Kang Taehyun and Choi Soobin. In this special day, they're about to start a new chapter of their lives together, making two souls combine into one, uniting two hearts into a whole."

"In a marriage, you will be building a life together. You will love each other, be happy for and with each other. However, marriage is not just about those things. It's about patience. It's about understanding. It's about courage. Sincerity. Resilience. Faithfulness. A promise to stay strong in the midst of adversity, to stay together and support each other while you're going through hardship. Taehyun and Soobin have proven time and time again how their love is about all of that."

"I remember when Soobin brought Taehyun to meet me for the first time. I was worried, of course. Soobin is my baby brother, he is the only family that I have left. So I want him to get all the best things in life, including in finding his partner. I was skeptical and anxious for Soobin, but I noticed something that changed my mind forever. The way Taehyun looked at Soobin, it was a gaze that I've seen before, one that I'm very familiar with."

Seokjin turns his eyes to Soobin. "It was the way dad always looked at mom. It was fondness, adoration, love. And the way Soobin looked at him...it was how mom looked at dad also. I saw warmth, tenderness, devotion. And that's how I know they are perfect for each other. And I'm so proud, grateful, and honored to be the one to unite your love on this day."

"Taehyun, do you take Soobin to be your wedded partner? Do you promise to love, support, and cherish him, be faithful to him for richer or poorer, in sickness and im health, until death do you part?"

Taehyun gazes at Soobin lovingly. "I do."

"Soobin, do you take Taehyun to be your wedded partner? Do you promise to love, support, and cherish him, be faithful to him for richer or poorer, in sickness and im health, until death do you part?"

Soobin nods enthusiastically. "I do."

"You may now say your vows."

"Soobin," Taehyun begins. "I've always been someone who is always so sure about myself, even ever since I was little. I've always known what I want, what I want to achieve, what I dream of. Back then, it was always about the space. About seeing it from up close, exploring it, going further into it. But ever since I fell in love with you, it all changed. It isn't just about space anymore. It's about doing all of those things, with you . The dream is you , hyung," Taehyun pauses, taking a deep breath to calm himself. "How can I leave anywhere else when my dream is right here?"

"You've made me so happy, hyung. There's nothing warmer, nothing that makes me stronger than the way your love feels. So, I promise to give back to you the amount of happiness and love that you've given to me. I promise to take care of you, to keep you safe, to be a faithful husband to you, for as many nights as it takes to count the stars. For infinity."

Soobin weeps. He loves this man so much, he feels like his heart is about to burst. He feels Taehyun squeeze his hand, his own tears also dripping down his cheeks.

"Taehyun," Soobin cries. "I used to think the stars are the only thing that can comfort me. It's the only way I can feel small, safe, and protected. But now I know that I can feel that way with you too, even more than with anything else. You're my own little star. You shine the brightest, more than the ones in the sky. You guide me through even the darkest of nights and ground me down when I fly too high. You've shown me so much love, more than I thought I could receive, more than I thought I deserve. And I can only hope to give you the love that you deserve as well."

"I don't know how much time I have left with you, but I promise to love you, to cherish you, to make you happy, and to be a faithful husband to you with the time I am given. And if I can't give you a long time right now, I hope I can give you one in another lifetime, in another universe. I hope I'll be given a chance to give my love to you again, just as much as I feel for you right now, for as many nights as it takes to count the stars. For infinity."

"Hyung," Taehyun sobs. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too," Soobin breathes out.

There isn't a single dry eye in the room. Soobin hears sniffles coming from around him. From the corner of his eye, Soobin sees Seokjin wiping his cheeks. 

"Okay. We're going to be exchanging rings now. It will be served as a symbol, as a circle runs for infinity, so does your love and vows to each other."

Beomgyu steps forward to give the ring box to Taehyun. Inside it, two beautiful silver rings glint beneath the blue light, matching the engagement rings worn in each of their fingers.

Taehyun takes out Soobin's ring first and puts it on his ring finger. "I give you this ring as a symbol of my love. A proof of my vows to you, and I shall commit to them, and commit to you."

Once he's done, Soobin takes out the next ring and slides it down Taehyun's ring finger. "I give you this ring as a symbol of my love. A proof of my vows to you, and I shall commit to them, and commit to you."

Seokjin smiles. "By the power vested in me, I pronounce you as husbands, partners for life and beyond. You may now kiss."

Taehyun presses his forehead against Soobin, nuzzling their nose together before kissing him passionately. Soobin wraps his arms on Taehyun’s neck, while Taehyun’s hand pulls Soobin closer by the waist. Claps and cheers are heard all around the room, but all Soobin can focus on is the man in front of him. His lover, his life, his husband. 

At that moment, it’s like they are back on Pause again. All that matters is them and their love for each other.

"For infinity?" Soobin whispers through their kiss.

"For infinity," Taehyun promises. "And beyond it."

Soobin holds on to the moment tightly and wishes he can stay.