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Jon has been particularly jumpy all day. He's restless, fidgeting constantly, and completely spacing out whenever Martin tries to have a conversation. He's so easily startled that Martin is almost persuaded to let him be- almost. The fact is, he recognizes the nervous energy buzzing around Jon. It's the manifestation of a thought, seemingly a very emotional one, fighting a battle. It will either be suppressed deep down where it can still do harm but never see the light of day, or it will crawl out struggling against lost words and stubbornness.
Jon being Jon Martin has no doubt on which option will prevail if he doesn't at least try to address the subject. What better time than present, sipping some herbal tea before bed?
"What's up with you today?"
"Nothing!" Jon’s reply is way too quick and he looks like he’s been caught red-handed. Scepticism must be clear on Martin's face because he adds, not much more convincingly, "Nothing really. If you must know, I was entertaining the possibility of a haircut."
"Oh!” It’s unexpectedly ordinary “Why?"
Jon takes a moment, running his fingers through his hair. It's getting long indeed, he usually keeps it in a bun but it must reach his shoulder blade now.
"It's heavy, which is not helping with my migraines, and washing it, brushing it has become a serious commitment.” it sounds reasonable “It’s not as if I intended for it to grow this long anyway".
And, you see, Martin would have believed him, if not for that last part. He had seen the care Jon puts into his hair and he is seeing his badly concealed sad-puppy expression now. It is not a lie per se, lying requires a certain level of self awareness. Jon is simply doing his very best to not acknowledge the truth, whatever it may be..
He is never very comfortable with changes, to be fair, but one so thoroughly investigated and logically motivated doesn’t justify such level of distress.
No, there is an emotional element here, whether Jon realises it or not.
“So? Could you cut my hair one of these days?” he sounds resolute on this at least.
“Oh! Sure, I mean, haven’t done that since I was a teen and- and it was my hair and I was never very good at it anyway but- ” he can cut Jon's hair. He can. Besides, it is not like they have many other options “How short are we talking?”
Jon freezes a bit at that. “Erm, short short. Like, shave it off.” Jeez, he seems almost in pain saying so.
“Are you sure? You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to” which is a very stupid thing to say, of course Jon doesn’t need his permission but at least the reply comes a lot more easily in full sarcastic tone. “I’m glad you’ll allow it, Martin. Thank you very much”
“I am sure” Jon adds, softer, in what Martin sees as an attempt to be less of a bitch “It's not a big deal”.
Sure.
“I’ll buy a razor next time we are in town”
Jon does not buy a razor, not that week, nor the following one. He keeps “forgetting”.
Martin does not mention it. In his attempt to stop Jon from brooding he has, unintentionally, opened Pandora's box and now he is the one overthinking it.
You see, he’s got an idea of what the problem might be. Well, three ideas actually.
The first hypothesis is that Jon might not be totally comfortable with a blade or sharp object around his neck, a warm pink scar across his throat proving he might have a point on that. He has been shaving religiously since they moved in the safehouse, though, so it is probably not that. Unless he trusts himself and not Martin but not even his ridiculously low level of self-esteem can explain why Jon would have asked him for help if that was the case.
Another theory has to do with the whole "hair store memory" thingy. Now, based on that principle Jon should be more than happy to get rid of it, all of it ideally, as soon as possible. They left the institute behind, it is temporary, still there looming over them like a sword of Damocle. It is not an actual fresh start but god, do they need one. Still, everyone processes trauma differently and the fact Jon has spent the last few days relistening obsessively to the old recordings Basira sent them is a pretty good indicator he might not be ready to let go.
Last option? Maybe Jon just likes how it looks but is somehow convinced he needs to cut it to “fix” himself. Having proper short hair as the first step to mend his broken self. It works well with the new perfectly shaven look and it would be a very Jon line of reasoning. It is stupid though and Martin really hopes he is not being that stupid. Not worried-about-dress-code-while-on-the-fucking-run kind of stupid. Sure, obviously that would be more about his need for control than actual look, but still. He deserves to be comfortable with himself even if he doesn't agree, even if he is changing and hating the change.
Mostly, Martin has realised the idea of cutting Jon's hair pains him a bit. It surprised him at first. When Jon had let his hair grow past the proper work-suitable length, after his hospitalisation post Prentiss attack, it had worried Martin a lot. It wasn’t the hair itself, of course not, but it being a perfect metaphor of his slow descent into paranoia and isolation. Jon was losing control and his hair was a sign of it. It hurt him and so it hurt Martin too. It is not a secret how hard he was crushing on his boss at that time, so no harm in admitting it: he had spent a lot of working hours imagining to be the one who’d take care of his hair. He is intimately familiar with the power of a good haircut. There is some real comfort in looking in the mirror and being able to, if not like what you see, at least recognize it. He knew Jon could’t. He would have loved to give him that.
Then, at some point, he had come back from America changed. He started keeping his hair in a braid, a braid crown sometimes. He always had that single stripe of white hair loose on his forehead and kept absentmindedly playing with it and placing it behind his ear. He had resumed shaving and went back to look like himself. Maybe even more than before. He had abandoned the strict academic look that always felt a bit like a mask for something much more Jon. The long hair made his harsh outlines look more delicate, his whole face seeming younger, more gentle. Maybe Martin was just biased because at that point Jon was treating him far better than in his first days in the archives but Martin liked long-haired Jonathan Sims better.
It is almost a month after their first conversation when Jon comes home one day with a brand new electric razor and some nice scissors for good measure.
They try fixing themself in front of the sink but the bathroom is too small to do so comfortably and they end up on the floor. Martin lines up everything he might need and sits on a shaky stool as close to the bathtub as possible, Jon is curled up inside it, shirtless, arms hugging his knees, looking far too vulnerable for Martin’s comfort.
"Jon?"
No response. Jon is very busy staring at his distorted reflection on a low cabinet’s glass, playing with the tip of his braids.
"Earth to Jonathan Sims"
He looks up at Martin behind him and does his best to relax when he notices he is being observed. To his credit, he does a pretty decent job. The bastard is really good at suppressing emotions.
"Listen, I'll do anything you want me to do, it's your hair but you look…off and I just- are you sure this is what you want? Will you please talk to me?" it sounds a bit more adversarial than intended but if it works he is fine with that. "Do you want me to ask? Would it be easier?"
Jon sighs and rolls his eyes, a sparkle of pride crossing them.
"No, it's fine. I’ll talk, it's just stupid, really" he sighs again but keeps talking "I was thinking- would you ever let your hair grow?"
Martin positively winces at the suggestion.
“Ugh, never!” It looks like it is the answer Jon was prepared for and he feel the urge to clarify “It’s not that I don’t like long hair, I love yours if nothing else, it’s just- I’ve got my mother’s hair all large locks and muddy colour, I always thought I looked like her with longer hair and I reeally don’t want that”
Jon exitate for a second weighing his words.
"Has it- has it any correlation with your- gender?"
"I- I don't know? Not in the “looking like my mother” part, it’s not like I think I’d look like a woman but- maybe? probably? As a teen having short hair was the only way I could express it- my gender, I mean. It was my best chance at passing. It is really not an issue anymore but, you know, maybe a bit of that is still there? I guess short hair is the first way I’ve ever expressed the- being a man thing and there might be some emotional attachment to it, some comfort"
Yeah. Yeah, that checks out but it's not like Martin's tendency to over-explain himself can be satisfied with a semi coherent speech, can it?
"Not- not that I think hairstyle is somehow related to gender, duh. Tim had shoulder length hair when he worked in research he still looked very manly or I don't know, Gerard? But that's not- that's obvious, you know it and it's totally not what you were asking and-"
He is just saying random words at this point and Jon looks at him somewhat amused but returns serious to comment: "Gerry is not- they are not a man"
"Oh, oh sorry. I didn't- " know, yeah needless to say. He does not even know why he thought about Gerard. They found a polaroid of them in Gertrude stuff once and that's it but Jon had always seemed particularly fascinated by them and when he had come back from America in a much better shape Martin had briefly wondered if it had anything to do with the enigmatic Gerard Keay. He might even have been a tad jealous of them, just a little.
But well, maybe it's true, maybe they made an actual impression on Jon and maybe Martin should stop beating around the bush and just-
"Jon, listen, you know you don't have to have short hair to be a man, right?” Jon’s shoulders tense up in front of him, his eyes still fixed on the makeshift mirror where Martin cannot reach them yet he adds tentatively “And you don't have to have long hair to not be one"
A spark of hope and fear crosses Jon’s expression but he recompose himself swiftly. He sighs and lets his head fall on the edge of the tub meeting Martin’s eye above him.
“Hey”
“Hi”
They smile at each other. Then Jon turns in the bathtub resting his back on the other side and facing Martin. He still does not really meet his glare but that does not take anything from the openness of the communication. He adopts a low monotonous tone like he is explaining some complex scientific paper. He might as well be. Martin keeps his distance and listens.
“I genuinely want you to cut it for me, I promise, but at the same time I like how it looks, I like how I look with it. It gives my face something, feminine? No, wrong term, Let’s say I look less like a man and I am scared of losing it. I am probably just being delusional, i know people can tell I am a man, clearly, but maybe not immediately, or- or not from behind, or- ”
It seems Jon is struggling to take his breath, Martin assumes it is a good time to interrupt.
"And does it bother you?"
"What?"
"That people can tell you are a man"
"No! Yes?” Jon frowns expression turning into something dangerously close to guilt, it takes a long while for him to start again, but Martin knows he will, he just has to sort out his thoughts first “it's just- i don't think of myself as a man, I don’t think I’ve ever had, and sometimes- sometimes knowing everyone else does can be a bit- alienating. Braiding my hair felt, I don't know, safe? Like, a barrier between me and being perceived as a man or as too manly at least, not that I have ever been a prime example of maleness but- but-” he still has not met Martin eyes but now he lower them even more and his voice with them “As I said, it's stupid, it’s not- I'm not like you- I'm not dysphoric or anything"
God.
Martin can feel his stomach contort in painful sympathy. He hates that Jon can even for a second feel ashamed about any of this. Is this, what, bullshit internalised transphobia? Or- or more likely, just a general lack of self-respect. Jon would never feel the same about anyone else expressing the exact same issues. And yeah, maybe it is hypocritical of him, but Jon should not be invalidating his own feelings and experience like that.
Also, how did he, Martin, never notice? It feels like something huge, something he should have been aware of. Something he would have wanted to know, just to be there, to help, if he could.
Of course Jon is entitled to his privacy and his own way to deal with identity crisis. Still, he would really like for his boyfriend to take his head out of his ass, thank you very much.
It’s not like he is mad at Jon, no way, he is actually really proud of him. He opened up about all of this instead of deftly dodging the prospect of a change, a big one, even if just in perspective. He is mad at the overall situation.
He relaxes his pose as much as possible in order to not appear menacing and moves a bit farther from the tub to not overwhelm Jon, his tone is firm though. He needs him to understand.
"Ok, first of all, you never saw me deal with gender dysphoria so don't go around acting as if you know how it is for me. It is not like it is a matter of comparison anyway” Jon flinches slightly. Good, he is listening. He also starts making eye contact now that he is not the one talking anymore. “Second, there are different kinds of dysphoria and people-perceive-me-differently-from-how-I-perceive-myself is definitely up there.” Jon nods slightly absentmindedly, Martin is not so naive to think it means he agrees with that but he is processing at least. “ And third, you don't need dysphoria to be trans and you don't need to be trans to be allowed to express your gender in a way that is comfortable to you" it leaves Jon a bit stunned. “Are we on the same page about it?”
"Yeah, right" he sounds more defeated than convinced as if e is on the back foot now "I still can’t stand my hair, so this is whole conversation is pointless"
"Maybe it doesn't have to do with hair, Jon. If the issue is with gender expression you could try experimenting with clothes, or idk makeup? Or, I can change the way I address you?"
Jon's eye light up for a second, so Martin continues,
"Not many people to do that with but next cow I’ll find I'm gonna tell her aaall about my partner! I’ll go on and on for hours about how stubborn they can be and what a great job they do at suppressing their emotions and, maybe, also how much I love them and how proud I am of them, how I want them to be happy and how beautiful they look with long hair and how they look even better with short one because they're at ease and there is nothing I want more for them."
Jon likes it. It is so obvious they like it. It’s all over their face. They also have to refuse it, because they can’t just accept good things for once.
"I'm not nonbinary though, I mean, I guess- technically but- but-"
"You don't need a label if you don't want one, and pronouns do not equal gender. If you like they/them we are going to use it, that's it"
Martin can practically see the clogs in Jon’s brain desperately trying to find a way to argue with that, to backtrack on possibly everything they said and thought, to abort mission and go back to their sulking. That is to be expected, he knows they don’t trust their feelings as a reliable source of information. They will have to elaborate all of this rationally in order to actually accept it. It’s okay, they have time.
They try again, just half committed "I never had any issue with he/him-"
"Yeah, except you spent years being uncomfortable because you hoped long hair meant people would not default to that”. Touché.
“What if I am just a man that likes to braid his hair. It is allowed, men don't have to be traditionally masculine” Jon starts to sound petulant, that’s how Martin knows they have totally lost conviction.
“True. Are you though? Because I am pretty sure you just told me you’ve never thought of yourself as a man” He doesn’t bother to hide a bit of a teasing tone.
“I haven’t”
“ok then maybe - and heare me out - maybe you are not a man who likes to bride their hair or to keep it very short and you are allowed to do so because non man can do whatever the fuck they want exactly like man”
Jon smiles partially at that.
“You make it sounds so simple”
“It's not, but refusing something you want and can have won’t make it easier either”
Jon laughs at the provocation.
"yeah, ok" they reply in their most annoyed tone but add way softer “ok. I think I like it"
"Good" Martin is relieved to see Jon a lot more relaxed. He has to anxiously make sure he said the right thing to be able to relax too “you- you can always use both or- neither it was just a suggestion, maybe we can try something else or-"
"No I think, I think I really like it, I wanna try at least- but Martin"
"Yeah"
"Being your partner- I don’t like it. It sounds like we are coworkers or something and I am done with that"
"Oh, ok. Still my boyfriend then?"
"Or girlfriend? Sometimes?"
They turn bright red but that’s ok, they both do.
“I’d love that”