Chapter Text
Gray.
If someone would ask Alhaitham to describe the masses as a color, he would choose the gray out of all the vibrant and beautiful pigmentations that human’s eyes can perceive.
It is not because Alhaitham has no interest in humanity itself: on the contrary, humans as a concept, humans as their discoveries or contraptions, humans as subjects of an analytical study on their resourcefulness are one of the greatest interests on Teyvat, and he can not fathom the possibility that someone isn’t absolutely fascinated by the capability of mankind, wanting to comprehend more, moved by curiosity for the unknown.
What he would define as “gray” is the superficiality of people as a community, the trivial relationship that they establish with each other.
Gray is the color born by the union of two extremes: the complete rejection of light and the full absorption of light.
Gray is the in-between, it isn’t an extreme, and it is born from two shades, not from two colors.
Its existence is indeed unique: a color born from two different entities that are outsiders in the concept of what humans define as “colors”. However, even with his uniqueness, almost every person on Teyvat will say that they prefer another color, one more interesting.
He never had any interest in forming bonds with other people: relationships, in whatever form they manifest, are quite troublesome, that much he knew since he was a small child that understood almost nothing of the world in which he lived.
If you are acquainted with someone on a more personal level, rather than on a superficial or professional one, maintaining that type of bond could cause many troubles: you would have to contact them with a certain frequency, you would be obligated to see them, otherwise you would be accused of “having changed”, of “not being a true friend”, of “using them because they are convenient to some degree to you”, even if it would be clear for everyone that there isn’t any form of compensation to gain from these encounters, outside the pure pleasure of seeing them and talking with them.
Partake in human’s interaction was an inconvenience that would distract everyone from their real interests, an hassle in the pursuit of the serenity of a solitary life.
After all, people could be so much noisy sometimes: Alhaitham hates noises.
When he says that he has a decreased tolerance for sound, people often laugh at him (increasing the noise, because that is exactly what any sane person would do after being told that noises distress him) thinking he is exaggerating and inventing excuses just to make people feel bad in order to make their mouth shut when he is around.
And that is precisely one of the reasons he hates taking part to classes: if the professor was the only one talking he wouldn’t have any problem, and his concentration would be almost at its peak performance.
But, apparently, there was a secret written rule in the Akademiya regulation that everyone could read except Alhaitham and few other scholars that obligates almost every student to murmur and whisper about their previous day, or about their plans after the end of the classes, or about their friends or lovers, or about all the things just mentioned but all at once. Otherwise, he doesn’t understand the reason that pushes everyone to have trivial conversations instead of actually listening to the professor, learning (wasn’t that the reason they were there in the first place?).
To anyone who would ask him why he rarely attended to classes (question often raised by his professors, especially by Rajkumar), he would simply say that “self-study was a better use of his time”: a response that never failed to hurt those professors’ ego, making them so infuriated that they no longer wanted to deal with him, which was not only a good thing, because they would finally stop bothering him, leaving him with his so loved peace, but also something that Alhaitham found quite hilarious.
Hurting intellectuals’ ego just by being himself was stimulating, an amusing experience, someone who would know him perfectly could even say it was a twisted hobby of his.
But nobody could, because nobody knew him.
It initially was one day like any other day.
It was fall, the sun wasn’t as intense as before, creating a nice atmosphere.
It was perfect for studying.
As always, Alhaitham didn’t attend to any of his classes that day. Instead, he went straight to the House of Daena, immersing himself in sequences of words that would have broaden his knowledge.
The House of Daena was one of his favorite places.
There he could find anything he wanted and, most importantly, loved: knowledge and peace.
He was reading the work of an old foreign philosopher, the De divinatione per somnum, sitting at the table furthest from the entrance, behind the elevator that the Grand Sage uses to go to his office, in an attempt to avoid any person that could enter and destroy the little bubble of peacefulness he created only for himself.
Unfortunately, his hope was crushed only an hour later, when all Haravatat classes ended for the day.
Apparently, some of his colleagues had the same idea as his, and decided to sit away from the entrance, in order to not disturb the ones that went studying and occupied the first table they saw instead of searching for an ideal place.
Little did they know that, in fact, they would have disturbed either way.
But between disturbing many and disturbing only one young man that looked younger than them, they opted for the latter.
One member of the group even seemed bold enough to try approaching Alhaitham, maybe with the hope of striking some sort of conversation. And then what? First a chat with one individual and then the entire group would sit around him, making his bubble of peace explode? Couldn’t this senior see that he was reading and wanted to be left alone?
He could not allow something like this to happen, the book isn’t going to read itself, after all.
So, to avoid any nuisance, Alhaitham took the book that was placed on the table with both of his hands, positioned it vertically, perfectly perpendicular to the table, and brought it closer to his face, creating a wall between him and the group of students.
This will suffice, he thought to himself.
The student appeared to be quite perplexed, but he still didn’t go away.
Hm… It seems he didn’t get my message?
Behind the book, he looked at the student out of the corner of his eye, furrowing his brows, and the student who then looked perplexed was now wearing the expression of annoyance, of someone that understood that his thought of starting conversation was, simply put, idiotic and futile.
Peace was finally restored, even if the group was still a hindrance with their constantly talking but, since for the most part they were actually talking about some research they were working on, Alhaitham let that slide and tried to ignore them as much as it was humanly possible.
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Another hour passed and, even if that noisy group was still talking, now simply chatting as friends would do, Alhaitham considered himself quite satisfied with the progress he made on his reading, since he managed to get through the middle of the book.
It was still pretty early to leave the House of Daena to return home, though, so he decided to let his eyes rest for some minutes before returning to his book.
He placed the volume on the table while side-eyeing the same student who tried to approach him before, to let him know that, even if he was taking a break from reading, he didn’t have any intention to talk to someone.
During this short break, a new group of students arrived in the House of Daena, searching for a table that wasn’t used by anyone.
Considering the hour, Alhaitham supposes that every table placed on the front of the entrance is occupied, so the ones in the back are their only chance to sit and study (hoping that they will, in fact, study).
Alhaitham looked around and, unfortunately for him, the table next to his was the only one that was completely free, and so he was preparing himself psychologically for the hassle that this two groups , placed on each of his sides, will generate.
This group seemed much livelier than the one of his Darshan.
Watching with more attention he noticed their crest: a white fierce lion was depicted, so they had to be Kshahrewar scholars. In fact, some of them had some blueprints about who knows what project wrapped between their arms.
While Alhaitham was thinking to himself observing them, one blonde scholar of the group turned around and met his gaze, watching Alhaitham with a questioning look, as if he was thinking about some crazy theory and was searching for an answer.
Alhaitham wondered what he was thinking about and why he started looking like that only after seeing him, since he was smiling and laughing just a second before.
Then that look transmuted: from an examining one to a worried one.
Whatever he understood nobody knows aside from him, but Alhaitham knows with every atom composing his body that it’s something stupid and very, very distant from the truth.
Not that he cared.
After that weird exchange, Alhaitham returned to his book, taking it from the table and positioning it, again, vertically.
This time, the wall had to defend him from two nuisances. Too much responsibility on its pages, Alhaitham thought while he audibly sighed, gaining the bad looks from students of each group.
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It was half past five in the evening.
The Haravatat scholars already left half an hour ago, while the Kshahrewar ones were finishing collecting all their materials, preparing themselves to leave the House of Daena.
“Guys, come on, the Grand Bazaar isn’t going to see itself! I want to buy some fabrics for my project”, said one of the boys of the group.
“Liar, you just want to eat local food since you’re from Mondstadt and rarely have the occasion!”, reproached one of his friends.
“Oh-oh, busted…”
“It was obvious, come on. You don’t even need fabrics for your project, you’re designing a lamp, I saw the sketch this morning.”, commented a girl that was already walking, eager to go away.
But one of the scholars remained still near his table, looking in another direction.
It was the same one that was watching Alhaitham with a worried look.
The student that lied about the fabrics turned around, feeling as if they were forgetting something.
“Hm? Kaveh, you are still there? I swear, you’ll grow roots in this place one day because of how much time you spend locked up here. Suheil is already waiting for us at the exit of the Akademiya, we don’t have all day”
Kaveh was his name, apparently.
Not that Alhaitham cared, anyway. He was just curious: if something caught his interest he loved eavesdropping. He did that with his grandmother so many times that he lost count.
What he really cared about was not his name, but the reason why that student suddenly changed his mind and decided to not go out with them.
Alhaitham never looked at them closely, too immersed in his philosophy book. But now, even if he still refused to look at them, the book wasn’t the one that had his attention. His eyes were still on the volume he had in his hands, pretending he was still reading so that they wouldn’t realize that he was actually listening to their exchange.
Then, this “Kaveh” that was mentioned spoke up.
“Actually… You can go without me, do not worry! I just remembered that I… I have some books to tidy up and reorder in their proper bookshelves here. I was so busy in these days that I forgot, haha…”
That had to be the worst lie Alhaitham has ever heard considering the tone of his voice.
Only an idiot would fall for-
“What? Are you serious? Can’t you just come with us and tidy up another day?”, Kaveh’s acquaintance sighed while placing one hand on his forehead.
Alhaitham couldn’t even finish his thought that this student confirmed that he was, in fact, an idiot.
He didn’t have much doubt about it, considering his previous lie about the fabrics.
After all, his friends would have found out the moment that they went to the Grand Bazaar that he was telling lies.
But this was a new layer of idiocy.
“I- I obviously can’t! I already procrastinated this duty for too long, I don’t want to create a problem for others who are curious about the books I didn’t put in their proper place!”, Kaveh said, looking anywhere except his interlocutor’s eyes, gesticulating with his hands and pointing at the bookshelves.
Interestingly enough, even if it was clearly all a lie, when talking about his concern for others Alhaitham could feel that that was, to some degree, sincere.
“Alright, see you next week during class!” said another member of the group, who placed his hand on the liar’s shoulder to convince him to just leave Kaveh there, impatient of going out to have some fun.
“As I said, that guy is going to grow roots here, I swear on Barbatos”, murmured the one from Mondstadt.
Alhaitham was a little irritated by the fact that wanting to spend time in the environment of knowledge and wisdom was seen as something useless and that this “Kaveh” was considered mad for this, but he soon ignored this feeling when he realized something that he longed for the whole day arrived: finally, Alhaitham’s silent peace was restored at last.
Or at least, so he thought.
When he actually returned to his book, thinking that he could be totally alone for once in this noisy day, he heard a voice near him.
Specifically, in front of him, only a meter away from him.
“Hey, uhm… Sorry for intruding, but…”
You better be sorry, you just ruined the last half an hour remaining before having to go home, thought Alhaitham, who still refused to let go of the book-wall between him and the outside world.
Even if Alhaitham didn’t show any sign of listening or being interested into what he was being told, Kaveh continued to talk.
“I saw a group of your Darshan near you that sometimes gave you bad looks. Are they excluding you or… I don’t know, bullying you, perhaps? I saw that happen from time to time”
Alhaitham was speechless.
The reason why he was so worried, to the point of giving up on the idea of going out with a group of friends to remain in this desolated place was because a complete stranger was reading alone in the biggest library of Teyvat? How was such an event considered so absurd to the point of asking this kind of question?
He needed to be clear, or this scholar would get the wrong idea and never leave him alone anymore.
Alhaitham lowered his book to see this person’s face. He did this not because he thought it was rude to talk to someone without ever looking at them. It was, in fact, a rude gesture, but he simply didn’t care.
The reasons behind his actions were quite simple: first of all, he wanted to be sure that this walking worrywart with eyes and a mouth could be sure that Alhaitham wasn’t lying when saying that he isolates himself voluntarily by looking at his face.
The other reason is related to what should be the beating heart that moves every scholar: he was simply curious. Curious about this individual, curious about this young man who is so bad at lying that his incapability should be studied, curious about this guy who “will grow roots because of how much time he spends locked up here”, curious about his motives for asking such question. Even if he was excluded or bullied, what intentions would this stranger have?
While lowering his book about dreams, the realization still didn’t cross his mind: this “Kaveh” managed, in a strange and convoluted way, to achieve something that no one else has ever achieved, succeeding in what no one had interest in trying to do: Kaveh destroyed an entire wall with his kindness and his thoughtfulness.
Before finishing to lower his book, Alhaitham already opened his mouth, ready to talk and, in the instant he lowered the volume enough to see the other’s face, Kaveh spoke up again.
“Straightforwardly, what I want to ask is… Are you alright?”
Behind that book, sat in front of Alhaitham, shimmering scarlet eyes slightly filtered and covered by long eyelashes were looking at him with a tenderness that Alhaitham never saw neither from a stranger or from an acquaintance.
His eyebrows were folded, showing evident signs of deep concern, as if they were friends since they were born and he was sad about the fact that someone wronged or hurt his dearest friend.
His hair, adjusted and pulled in a medium-length braid wore to his side, were delicately resting on his left shoulder and wore the colour of gold, shining just like his eyes under the lights of the lamps positioned near the table, colouring his strands of hair of countless shades of yellow.
That sight left Alhaitham silent for some seconds, during which he was scanning every part of the Kshahrewar scholar’s face, mesmerized by what was, undeniably, a beautiful person.
He focused especially on his eyes: after all, it is said that the eyes are the mirror of the soul, and Alhaitham wanted to test firsthand this theory, but he couldn’t find anything that would relate to this stranger sitting in front of him in this mirror.
This unconsciously made him smile: a theory such as that could only be false, after all.
In the mirror that was Kaveh the only thing Alhaitham saw was none other than himself.
Kaveh was visibly more worried by the silence as a reaction to his question and Alhaitham realized that he made a huge mistake by saying nothing at all, creating a misunderstanding, which was exactly what he wanted to avoid.
Somehow, he got distracted and forgot about his intentions.
After realizing that, for some unknown reason, his eyes were also shining, almost synchronizing with Kaveh’s eyes, Alhaitham regained his stoic expression, ready to lift his book at any given time.
“Do I seem like someone outcasted from a group?”, he asked.
Kaveh brought his hand to his chin, decreasing the gap between his eyes even further, as if concentrating as much as he could to elaborate a conclusion and give the right answer.
Alhaitham watched him closely during all of this, still intrigued by this “Kaveh”, of whom he shouldn’t’ even know the name.
After some seconds, he talked again.
“Yes?”
“No”, was all Alhaitham had to say.
They both remained silent for half a minute while staring at each other and, the more time passed, the redder Kaveh became.
“I… I’m so sorry for jumping to conclusions! I just wasn’t sure! If you needed help I wouldn’t have slept at all this night if I just ignored you”, said Kaveh, while bowing slightly his head and putting his right hand on his heart to reinforce his apology and sincerity.
Alhaitham looked amused, smiling maliciously while placing his cheek on his right hand.
He thought that this “Kaveh” was some of those rare people that you just can’t get tired of teasing.
“So you did this only because now you can sleep well? Quite egoistic of you. I’m being bullied over here and you don’t even genuinely care”
“Wha… No, no!”, Kaveh frenetically gestured, waving rapidly his hands left and right. “I’m genuinely worried, I don’t want others to live in misery at all! And I’m used to be awake for most of the night, it wasn’t because of this!”
Alhaitham made a chuckle, one of those that are made so silent that no one would even notice.
But Kaveh… Kaveh noticed.
“Hey, are you mocking me?” said Kaveh, looking at him smiling, relieved that this was just a big misunderstanding.
And Alhaitham was genuinely surprised.
Kaveh still didn’t leave, Kaveh was genuinely concerned, Kaveh noticed something that nobody else would have noticed and, knowing that his laugh was born from a tease, instead of being offended or really irritated, Kaveh found it amusing.
Alhaitham was right: whoever this in front of him was, he was someone that piqued his interest, even if he couldn’t explain rationally nor through words the reason.
“From your perspective, the one mocked is me. Are you playing the victim, now?” Alhaitham said jokingly, raising an eyebrow.
“Alright, alright, I got it!”, said Kaveh while lifting both his arms to his head’s height as a sign of resignation. “I guess you just wanted some alone time to enjoy your book”.
“I must say, an astute observation” Alhaitham said while lifting his book again, to prove to this student that he was right.
“I guess who really bothered you causing problems was me after all, huh… Then I will take my leave. Again, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt your reading” and after finishing this sentence, the blonde scholar placed his hands on the table to give himself more strength and help himself get up from the chair.
Alhaitham, seeing Kaveh preparing for leaving, involuntary lowered his book a little while staring at him with eyes slightly more opened than before, an imperceptible change as the difference was really minimal: for once since he was here studying in the Akademiya, a student really caught his interest and now he was leaving? He knew that they would meet again since both of them seems to spend a lot of time in the House of Daena, but the future is too far away, too uncertain for Alhaitham: what if they will never meet again? What if this Kaveh stops studying here, what if Kaveh goes abroad for research? Too many variables, and Alhaitham hated uncertainty or changes in his life.
But didn’t Alhaitham want to have “some alone time to enjoy his book”, as Kaveh said?
Why would he sacrifice his peace for someone that didn’t even know his name?
But Alhaitham knew. Alhaitham knew Kaveh’s name.
And for some reason, he just couldn’t let go of this new knowledge: he was a scholar, and scholars live for the pursuit of knowledge.
He couldn’t let Kaveh go away without the hope of talking to him again.
“Hope”.
What an irrational and abstract concept: hope is none other than an expectation.
But isn’t inherently human to hope? Even when we think we are grounded to reality, in all our life we will always have at least one hope for ourselves, for our future, or for someone else.
Hoping is irrational, but rationality left Alhaitham as soon as he saw those scarlet eyes that gave him his own projection: in those eyes, in that mirror, lied ahead a world in contrast with his own, that much he knew since Kaveh lied to his friends, destroyed his own comfort for the benefit of someone else, someone that he didn’t even knew, someone that he still doesn’t know.
Hoping was irrational but, for once, Alhaitham decided to let irrationality embrace him: this was still in his interests, he didn’t mind doing something that he would never do, for once.
His day didn’t go the way he wanted from the start, after all. He will have some alone time when he will go home, he can drown in the irrationality that was his meeting with Kaveh.
The instant he decided to prevent him from going away, he opened his mouth to talk to ask his name (even if he already knew it) in an attempt to let Kaveh answer, continuing the talk and carry on the conversation.
But, once again, Kaveh beat him to the punch.
Instead of turning around to go away, he focused on the title of the book that Alhaitham had between his hands: Kaveh’s eyes lightened up again, as if they were a red sky constellated with little sparkling stars.
He turned completely towards Alhaitham, getting closer to his face while he was still standing, bending slightly his body over the table and placing his hands on it to maintain himself in that position.
Alhaitham’s eyes opened even more than before, and his mouth closed without getting the chance to try to let him stay, surprised by this sudden reaction.
“You are reading the De divinatione per somnum?! That book was so interesting, but nobody seems to have read it, I thought I was the only one!” said Kaveh, who shifted his focus from the book to Alhaitham.
Alhaitham could not believe his ears. What Kaveh said was the truth, this book has been read by almost nobody in Sumeru and finding an intact copy of this volume was no small feat. He was lucky that his grandmother had it in her collection.
The ancient philosopher who wrote this book was exploring the nature and meaning of dreams, a difficult topic to have with Sumeru’s citizens.
The people of Sumeru couldn’t dream and dreaming, in general, wasn’t something you would like to bring up to other people if you yourself are from Sumeru: the Akademiya states that those who pursue knowledge and wisdom don’t need to dream precisely because dreams aren’t real.
But how could something that human’s bodies generate not be real? The content of a dream may not be real, but the act of dreaming isn’t, perhaps, human?
No matter how much one could try, people in this region can’t and never will dream.
The pursuit of wisdom, ironically, deprived humans the access to something that should be a basic knowledge.
So, when Kaveh and Alhaitham found out that there was once a person who decided to explore the meaning of something that they never experienced, they were thrilled to read and find more about an unknown topic.
But, unfortunately, even if they read it, there was no one to hold a conversation with about this, no one who wanted to listen, no one to discuss their theories, their emotions, their passion about the matter.
Kaveh tried many times with other scholars, but each of them gave him a strange look, one stranger than the other, so he eventually gave up while being mocked by some of them, who called him a child who still wanted to dream.
“Have you also read this?” said Alhaitham curiously, attempting to not let his astonishment win over his stoic façade, but failing miserably.
“Yes, I’ve read this last year!” said Kaveh, while still standing close to Alhaitham.
Alhaitham awkwardly lifted again his book to separate their faces to create a sort of distance. He hated physical proximity with people he doesn’t feel an emotional bond, and Kaveh must have noticed that he was being a little too passionate about a common interest, because after that Kaveh regained his composure and decided to sit again on the chair in front of Alhaitham’s, not wanting to put him in distress after seeing his face painted with a slight expression of discomfort, thinking that maybe he could have an aversion to physical proximity.
“Are you perhaps interested in dreams? Or did Haravatat start suggesting this kind of books to deepen students’ studies?” asked Kaveh while folding his arms, placing them on the table.
“I’m reading this because I want to, not because I was forced by some bookworm who doesn’t know how to enjoy life” said calmly Alhaitham, who finally closed his book after checking which page he had arrived at with his reading. “And anyway, isn’t it weirder that a Kshahrewar scholar reads these kinds of books?”
“It is not weird at all, who told you that?” said Kaveh while straightening his back, as if he wanted to state his point more firmly. “That kind of mentality is exactly what limits people! Yes, I’m a student of art and technology, but how can I improve my skills if I don’t expand my horizons to knowledge that doesn’t belong to me? An artist is someone that explores with all their senses this world in which we live. Art alone is only an aesthetically pleasing artifact: what really gives art a meaning is our humanity and the nature that brought us to life. It is as you said for yourself: I also read this book because I wanted to, not because I was forced”.
Alhaitham remained completely silent while Kaveh was talking, thinking carefully about what he was saying. This Kaveh he met due to a misunderstanding was incredibly more interesting than he previously thought: he wasn’t only fun to tease, but also incredibly mature and wise, Alhaitham never met another scholar like him, that thought exactly like him and, at the same time, completely differently from him.
“How can I put this… Ah!” Kaveh winced, slamming his right fist into the palm of his left hand “The greatest artists are those who are aware of changes in mankind’s mentality and their society even before humans themselves. To move someone’s heart you must show them something that is like them or completely different, sometimes even alike and different at the same time. Some people find comfort in art, others want practicality over the beauty of art while maintaining an aesthetically pleasing style. But how can artists know exactly what to do to leave an impression, a memory of themselves, a memory of what they left to our world? They explore everything that this world has to offer, understand humans’ nature and emotions through the seven arts, study math and physics to create, study politics to know what is happening around us and differentiate the right from the wrong and the in-betweens… Only by studying until the day we inhale our last breath we can achieve our dream, visualize our ideals and transmute them into reality”.
Again and again, this guy continued to surprise Alhaitham in ways that he didn’t predict.
He never had this type of deep conversation with anyone else in the Akademiya. He was called crazy, sometimes a lunatic, he was not given respect just because he preferred studying alone or studying subjects that had nothing to do with his Darshan, just because his interests didn’t align with anyone else.
But this person, sitting in front of him, had an infinite amount of passion and love for knowledge, something that nobody could have missed if they spent just a second looking at him as Alhaitham did, staring at his eyes lightning anytime he talked about art, about dreams, about ideals, about the pursuit of knowledge, analyzing the way his lips formed a big smile at every word he said while his expression softened, closing slightly his eyes, looking at the way his hair would dishevel because of how much he gestures and moves while talking, almost in an hypnotizing way, preventing anyone from looking away from him.
How could those students let Kaveh stay here? How could they not insist on having Kaveh with them? How could they not be absolutely mesmerized by Kaveh’s natural allure?
Those questions started to spin in Alhaitham’s mind, who just wanted to have more discussions with this idealistic mirror of himself.
The only one who could get him while being so different to the point of completing him where he was empty and blank.
Kaveh started talking again, dragging Alhaitham away from his thoughts.
“Returning to our previous discussion… That book really opened my mind! How I wish to dream just for once in my life, I’m curious about what one would feel during the dream and after waking up. Do you agree with the philosopher when he says that dreams are sent by the Archons?”
“No, I don’t think so. Otherwise, why would we scholars be the only ones to not dream?”
“Hmm… Maybe the Akademiya and the philosopher are not so different from each other: they both think that those to whom the dreams are sent are not the wisest, but merely commonplace people. The difference lies in the fact that for the philosopher everyone dreams, including those who are in pursuit of wisdom, while for the Akademiya everyone dreams, excluding those who are the wisest. Maybe Lesser Lord Kusanali, by being the Goddess of wisdom, thinks that those who are in search of wisdom don’t need to dream while they sleep? You can always dream while you’re awake, fully conscious of what we are imagining so that we can transform dreams in something real and concrete thanks to our studies and commitment.”
“I don’t really think that she is encouraging us to waste time ‘imagining’ during the day”, said Alhaitham, not really understanding this idealization of wasting precious time thinking about something that may or may not become true.
“That is not a waste of time! Hmph, you should study more from your philosophy books”, grunted Kaveh.
“And I can lend you books about history and on what idealization led to” said Alhaitham with a snarky voice.
Kaveh had an irritated look on his face, folding his arms and looking away. “No thanks, maybe when I’ll finish all the books that I’m already reading I’ll consider it” and then he smiled again, looking from the corner of his eyes at Alhaitham.
All of these interactions were kind of weird for the both of them: they never behaved like this with other people, but for some reason Kaveh brought Alhaitham’s desire to know more about a person and care about others while also teasing him, while Alhaitham brought Kaveh’s anxiety to loosen a bit.
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After some minutes spent discussing more about the book that they have read, Kaveh and Alhaitham both looked at the time and saw that it was half past six.
“I have to go now, I still have dinner to prepare” said Alhaitham, who already stood up from his chair and started to collect his things while being a bit annoyed at the thought of having to leave his new acquaintance. If only he arrived earlier to the House of Daena and asked from the start if something was wrong…
“Oh, right, it’s pretty late. Do you have a room in the dormitory or do you have a hous… a home?”
Was he saying “house” instead of home?, thought Alhaitham.
He found weird the way Kaveh stuttered to say that word, as if he was conflicted and not really convinced about calling it home until he decided that that word is the most commonly used.
“Yes, I live in my home. It’s near the Akademiya, fortunately.”
“Perfect! Then please, lead the way!” said enthusiastically Kaveh, while walking towards the exit of the House of Daena after having collected his things.
Alhaitham remained still, confused.
“Uhm… What? Why should I ‘lead the way’ to you?”
“You are my junior, right? I heard those Haravatat students next to you talking about the fact that they were older than you and how you ‘gave them no respect’, or something like that. I know one of them because we had one class in common, so if they have the same age as me and you are their junior, that means that you are my junior as well!” Kaveh said with his hand delicately places on his puffed chest, with his eyes proudly closed and with a big smile, beaming with a light that existed only in Alhaitham’s eyes.
Alhaitham’s face became progressively more confused.
“That still doesn’t explain anything, do you realize it?”
“What do you mean that it ‘doesn’t explain anything’?” said Kaveh while imitating Alhaitham’s tone of voice. “I’m your senior, so it is only natural for me to look after you! I can not let you go home alone after having annoyed you for so long, it is my responsibility!”
And with that, Alhaitham was even more confused and perplexed.
First of all, he didn’t “annoy” him, otherwise Alhaitham would have already pushed him away from the moment Kaveh became an annoyance, instead of being a pleasure. Did he not realize the difference between how Alhaitham behaved with others and how he behaved with Kaveh? Was he not clear enough about how delightful was this last hour for him?
Kaveh can be so intelligent and so stupid at the same time, was what Alhaitham thought instead of clarifying with Kaveh that he spent a nice time with him.
And then that point about “responsibility”.
“I am no one’s responsibility but myself” was all he said.
Kaveh seemed to become first frustrated and then sad about this sentence.
“When you are truly alone, yes. No one is going to take care of you. But just because it is like this at times, that doesn’t mean it will be like this forever. One day in your life you will meet someone that is here for you…”
Alhaitham didn’t seem to understand. He was alone, but he didn’t mind being alone with his books as his only company.
He liked when his grandmother was here, he liked when she took care of him, but this is not possible anymore and he has accepted this fact. He was his own responsibility: he was since he was old enough to take care of himself and he is still now.
“Don’t you think you are worrying too much about a person that you don’t even know? I don’t think you have that much free time to--”
“I have!” Kaveh shouted a little, without looking Alhaitham in the eyes, surprising him. “And if I haven’t, then I’m going to find time no matter what. I just want to accompany you to your… your home”
That stutter again.
“How could I be a good and responsible person if I let my junior alone in these dark streets? I could not forgive myself if something where to happen to you because… because of me… and I couldn’t even be there to help. So, can you please show me the way?” Kaveh said, smiling bitterly.
Alhaitham could feel an hint of sadness, of a regret of some sorts. So he resigned himself, sighing
“Alright then”.
He would never admit it, but he was glad to spend more time with Kaveh, even if they talked less while walking since Kaveh was still thinking about that conversation they just had.
But just Kaveh’s company could brighten Alhaitham’s mood, even if they had just met.
He seemed sad about something, though, and Alhaitham started to worry that Kaveh was overthinking about their discussion earlier. So, to avoid that, he decided to try distracting him and lifting up his mood.
“Do you live here?”
Kaveh didn’t expect a question, since he was immersed in his own thoughts.
“H-Huh? Oh, no, I do not. I have a room in the dormitory.”
“So we are moving away from where you should go.”
“Yes, but I don’t mind. It’s good to stretch your legs once in a while!” Kaveh said smiling, to reassure Alhaitham that this was one thing that he genuinely wanted to do.
“Indeed”, Alhaitham nodded. “I suppose you don’t live near the Akademiya, since you live in the dormitory?”.
“Yes, I’m actually from Port Ormos. When I was a kid I used to sketch the lighthouse, the sea and the stalls. I love the atmosphere there, it’s so lively. Going to the Grand Bazaar reminds me of the place where I was born, I feel better there. Silly, right?” Kaveh slightly laughed while looking at the stars in the sky, reminiscing his childhood days.
“No, not at all. On the contrary, I find it completely normal” Alhaitham reassured while staring at his eyes, even if Kaveh didn’t notice.
“Thanks… Uhm… Oh!” Kaveh lifted his hand to cover his mouth in surprise, without touching it.
“What?”
Kaveh bowed slightly for the second time of the day. “I’m so sorry, I swear I’m not so forgetful usually, I don’t know what happened to me. I was distracted by you…”
“Oh? So now it is my fault?”
“No no no no, that is not what I meant at all! I approached you first, I simply forgot to ask. But now that I think about it, you also forgot! So, we both got sidetracked!”
“What are you talking about?” said Alhaitham while he stopped walking, since he arrived in front of his home’s door.
“Your name! I didn’t ask your name!”
“Oh” was all Alhaitham had to say. He completely forgot to ask Kaveh’s name because he already knew, but for all this time he pretended to not know it because it would have meant to reveal that he eavesdropped the conversation.
“So?” asked Kaveh, full of trepidation while closing his fists and lifting them to the height of his chest.
“Alhaitham”
Kaveh smiled. “Alhaitham… What a beautiful name, I love it!
And, for some reason, hearing Kaveh saying his name made his head spin a little, while hearing his apparent love for his name made his blood flew more rapidly, reddening slightly his ears.
“Alhaitham, I know all of this started because I misunderstood the situation, and I’m still sorry to have bothered you, but I’m really glad to have had the opportunity to talk to you. I’m Kaveh, it was nice meeting you” Kaveh said while beaming with a light that completely enveloped Alhaitham.
Kaveh.
Kaveh was his name.
And now he can finally taste his name with his own mouth.
Kaveh brought his right hand closer to Alhaitham in order to shake it as a sign of the birth of a new friendship, but he started to retrieve his hand when he remembered that it was likely that Alhaitham felt discomfort from physical closeness and touches: he didn’t want to pressure Alhaitham into going beyond his limits, so he decided to not shake hands with him.
When Kaveh’s hand started going back to his side, Alhaitham touched it with his own right hand, startling him since he didn’t expect his hand to be touched and shaken.
Maybe I was wrong about the physical aversion? was what Kaveh thought in that moment, but the truth is that Alhaitham really didn’t like being touched by others, not even if he knew them since years or if it’s “only” a casual touch.
But Kaveh… Kaveh was the exception of all his day since the second he met him.
Kaveh piqued his interest as soon as Kaveh looked at him perplexed and then worried.
Kaveh was the only one he didn’t push away from the start, wanting to listen to what he had to say.
Kaveh was the only one that made him lower his book.
Kaveh was the only one who destroyed with his kindness the wall between him and other people.
Kaveh was the only one that didn’t call him names, that didn’t find strange his way of joking, didn’t find strange his way of talking, his discomfort caused by big noises or closeness.
Kaveh was the only one whom he talked about dreams.
Kaveh was the only one that lightened him so much to leave him speechless.
Kaveh was the only one to shout at him while still being worried about him.
Kaveh was the only one who didn’t let him go home alone.
Kaveh was the only one Alhaitham wanted to touch.
Kaveh was the only one Alhaitham wanted to know.
Kaveh.
Kaveh, Kaveh, Kaveh…
“Kaveh”.
Finally, he said it. Finally he was free and could savor the sound of the name that seemed to him that he waited all his life to say.
How nice it was hearing that name come out from his own lips: he could say that name anytime, he could repeat it until his last breath, when only death could prevent him from saying it.
“See you again” was all Alhaitham said to him, and the last thing he saw before closing the door was Kaveh wearing a soft smile on his face waving his hand to say his goodbye, telling him to sleep well and to enjoy the book.
Alhaitham went to the kitchen, starting to prepare his dinner absent-mindedly, while thinking about how this day began.
Gray.
If someone would ask Alhaitham to describe the masses as a color, he would choose the gray out of all the vibrant and beautiful pigmentations that human’s eyes can perceive.
Because, for how he saw the world, someone else bare all the other colors existing, even those that we can’t perceive, and is giving his shades to everyone else to brighten their lives.
Yes, the House of Daena was indeed one of his favorite places.
There he could find anything he didn’t know he wanted and, most importantly, didn’t know he loved.