Work Text:
All Too Well (10 Minute Verson) by Taylor Swift - 10:13
And did the twin flame bruise paint you blue?
Just between us, did the love affair maim you too?
'Cause in this city's barren cold
I still remember the first fall of snow
And how it glistened as it fell
I remember it all too well
Unfortunately, Buck is a victim of remembering. He remembers everything and everyday he tries to convince himself that it was real. He was there, so he knows it was real. He really couldn’t have imagined the whole thing, could he?
It’s only with the strongest urges does he try to forget but he can’t. The love affair maimed him and left him bruised and battered, limping home to where could be safe and hide away from the memories that haunted him so.
He remembers the first time he met Eddie’s Tía Pepa. It was mid September in Pennsylvania, and the trees were in their earliest hues of amber and bright gold accompanied by a first chills of autumn in the air. Buck had left his favorite pink sweater there by accident, never to be seen again.
“Oh, Eddie used to be such a darling kid!” She points to the scrapbook of pictures laid out in front of them. Buck looks closer at a particular one. There’s a little kid in a little league uniform, smiling the biggest smile he could muster and holding a bat over his shoulder.
Eddie’s face is turning beat red. He’s embarrassed and Buck finds it incredibly amusing.
“C’mon Tia. No need to embarrass me here.” Eddie lets out a light laugh.
“No, no. I think it’s the perfect amount of embarrassment. I’m definitely keeping this one for later.” Buck swipes the picture before either could protest.
Buck wonders if Eddie still has the sweater. Maybe he kept it as a souvenir. He tries to shake the thought but it haunts him. Why would he keep it? What reason does he have other than a trophy for keeping him under his boot? He’s torn. He can’t help but think that it all wasn’t one sided. He hopes that Eddie is hurt the way he hurts right now. It wasn’t fair of him. No. It isn’t fair of him. He’s afflicted with supercuts of them in love that unwantedly flood his memory. The first time he felt himself falling was their first trip out of town.
Eddie sits in the driver seat and taps his fingers on the steering wheel. They’re both singing along to What I Like About You by The Romantics. Buck can’t see his own face but he can feel his eyes grow in size every time he glances over at Eddie. He doesn’t know what being in love is supposed to feel like but he thinks it’s something close to this.
Eddie reaches down and turns down the music.
“Could you pull up the directions? Getting a little lost here.” Eddie scans the surrounding area but all he’s met with is the orange and red trees signaling the depths of the fall season.
“Yeah.” Buck pulls out his phone. No signal. “You’d think in the year 2013 they’d have cell towers everywhere at this point.” He lifts his phone toward the ceiling of the car trying to get a signal.
“It’s alright. We’ll make do.”
They pass a sign along the interstate that reads ‘Mansfield: 50 miles away’. Buck points to it.
“See. Seems like we’re on the right path.” Buck smiles at Eddie who responds with a hum. He places his hand on Buck’s thigh and rubs small circles with his thumb.
They arrive in the small village about an hour later and make headway to their Bed and Breakfast. From the reviews online, it’s quaint. Perfect seclusion for a weekend getaway.
They’ve only got a couple streets to go when Buck notices they’re getting a little too close to the red stop light for comfort.
“Eddie. Eddie!”
Eddie gasps and slams on the breaks just in time.
“Sorry, I was a little distracted.” Eddie laughs a little. “Was looking at you.” He says the last part quiet. Like he’d been caught in the act. He blushes and tries to dip his head to hide away.
Buck’s heart is full and he knows he’ll remember this.
He does. And it shatters him time he does. He remembers that when it was so good it was great and he was head over heels for a man that was nearly a decade older than himself. His sister’s voice rings in his head when he finally got the gall to tell her.
“You’re dating an older man?”
“He’s only 29. That’s practically the same age as you!”
“I hope you know that doesn’t make this any better.” She looks at him and her expression softens. Buck looks like he’s holding his breath and waiting for her approval, as if her opinion would sway which way this goes.
“Okay well, he’s sweet! He’s nice, he’s caring and he’s a really good dad-“
“He has a kid?!” Her mouth is open wide, agape.
“Well… yeah.” Buck winces. He knows he’s not really selling a million dollar idea here. He was just excited about the new guy he’s been seeing. “He’s six. And he’s really cute!”
“Evan. I want you to think about this. You seem excited about this guy, and you think he’s nice-“
“I just want you to be happy for me.” He looks down at her with wet eyes.
“I am. I just… I’m a little worried. You’ve been seeing him for a couple months now. Where do you see it going? Do you want to spend your best years playing house and becoming a parent before you’re ready?”
“I don’t know! I’m just enjoying it for what it is right now.”
“Okay. I just hope you’re careful.”
Buck recalls how he should’ve heeded her warning. She is the big sister after all. The six month mark had just hit and Buck was falling more and more in love with Eddie as the days went on. Neither of them had said the magic words yet but he could feel it. Any day would be the day. Buck remembers he didn’t want to be the first one to say it. He didn’t want to be the eager, young one who jumped head first when Eddie had years of experience on him.
However, it never came. He remembers that Eddie never said he loved him until it was too late. After all the grief and strife, Buck started to lose hope and thought he was sending signals to Eddie. He guessed Eddie never learned how to read him. He knows he didn’t because Eddie always figured they were fine, they were good. Just until they weren’t.
It had been a few weeks since Buck’s expectations were crushed in real time. Eddie hasn’t said it yet and Buck isn’t sure that he ever will. He reaches for Eddie in the night and a part of him dies when their bodies meet. Maybe his sister was right. Maybe he’s been over this head the whole time.
He remembers everything, though. He knows it’s gone. He knows it’s in the past. And he especially knows there’s nothing more that he can do to save it anymore. It’s been a few months and every so often it doesn’t hurt to think about Eddie, and he forgets to remember him. We all know that healing isn’t linear, though, and every so often he’ll get a flashback that feels like he’s being stabbed through the left side of his chest.
Tonight was supposed to be date night. Buck had it planned: dinner at Eddie’s favorite Chinese place, followed by axe throwing. Then a late art walk downtown Hershey. He’s most excited for the axe throwing part, though.
He’s standing in Eddie’s doorway face to face with him. Eddie looks apologetic before he even speaks.
“I’m sorry.” He puts his hands up. “Sitter canceled on me last minute, and neither of my sisters can watch him.”
Buck tries not to look hurt. “No, I get it. I understand. We can reschedule.” Eddie winces and thinks on his feet, grabbing Buck’s wrist just as he was about to turn away.
“Why don’t we just bring the date night to us?”
“How do you mean? With a little kid?”
“He’d love it, and you haven’t had a chance to properly meet yet.” Eddie glances up him with a hopeful smile.
Buck leans against the doorway and pretends to ponder the thought.
“Okay, fine.” He bites his bottom lip.
They spend the evening trading axe throwing for video games. The Chinese food remains the same, except for take out instead of dining in. The art walk isn’t swappable though. Buck makes peace with it, given that Eddie’s kid seems like he’s enthralled with all the facts that Buck shares with him that he learns from an archaeology documentary about Mesopotamia.
Buck is washing the last dish of their dinner just as Eddie comes back from tucking his son into bed. Eddie wraps his arms around Bucks waist from the back and lightly kisses his neck.
“Thank you for being flexible. He really enjoyed himself tonight. And you.” He nuzzles his nose into Buck’s neck.
“For sure.” Buck giggles at the sensation. Eddie takes the last dish out of his hand and puts it on the drying rack. He’s turned around by gentle force and he’s face to face with Eddie. Buck is only two inches taller than him, but being so much younger he’s always felt smaller.
The only light in the room is the light over the stove. The sun has set long ago and now it’s nearly 11pm.
Eddie takes out his phone and starts to play a random mix of slow Selena Quintanilla songs. Buck laughs and ducks his head into Eddie’s neck. “You’re a sap.”
”Just humor me one more time tonight.” Eddie pleads with a pouty lower lip. Buck laughs at him again, but nonetheless happily obliges.
They’re swaying to the slow beat and Buck has no idea what she’s saying, but he feels as though the emotion matches what he feels in the moment.
They end the night wrapped in each other’s arms. In the back of Buck’s mind, he thinks he could do it forever and they’ll recall moments like this together when they’re old grey.
Except they don’t.
As far as he knows, he’s the only one who remembers. He tries to pin point where everything went wrong but he can’t. Maybe he couldn’t convey what he wanted, maybe he wanted too much from Eddie. Maybe everything was meant to be before Eddie started to pull away and tear up the idea they painted of each other. He ran away when things got too real, and left Buck with nothing but the memories they created together. It’s asinine. He wishes he could forget but just when he thought he was doing better he had gotten a call from Eddie.
He looks down at his phone and sees Eddie’s name flash across the top with a picture of them he never bothered to change. The wound is still too new.
This can’t be real. What could he want? Hasn’t he taken enough already?
“Hello?” He isn’t friendly. It’s almost venomous.
“Hi Buck.” Eddie says. His voice is even. Careful.
“What do you want?” Buck isn’t even trying to be kind.
“I wanted to see how you were doing.”
“I’m fine. I’m doing fine.” Buck lets out a huff. He doesn’t know why he gave him a moment of his time. His emotions get the best of him and he ends the call there and he feels as though the world is swept out from under him. He lays in his bed and cries himself to sleep for the next three days.
After their last phone call Buck can feel his progress crumble. Everyone around him tells him they had a good run, and that it’s better to have loved than never at all. He wants to believe them but it’s incredibly difficult when anytime he’s reminded of Eddie it all feels like new types of torture methods, the next one worst than the last. Grief is unkind, he thinks. Some say it’s evidence that you loved and it’s your consolation prize but man, this has got to be the worst carnival ever.
He remembers his 21st birthday party. It was a surprise celebration his sister planned. It hadn’t gone exactly as he wanted, though, and remains to be the largest evidence of the cracks peeking through before it all crumbled.
Buck and his sister are walking through the corridor of his apartment complex, coming back from their dinner. They make idle conversation about his day and the extended family members who posted on his facebook page.
“Uncle Ernie posted a picture from when we were kids…” Buck tells her.
Just as he’s about to take off his shoes all the lights come up and he’s greeted by almost every person he’s ever met in his life yelling ‘SURPRISE!’ at the top of their lungs. His friends, his parents. Aunts, uncles, cousins. His eyes scan the crowd and there’s one person missing. Almost every person.
He spends the rest of the evening mingling with everyone, thanking them for their well wishes and gifts of various bottles of liquor. He tries to hide the disappointment on his face every time he glances at the front door.
The party had died down a couple hours later. There’s only himself and his sister left to clean up the remnants of the party that was had. He plops down on the couch next to her and lets out a big sigh as he hangs his head over the back of it.
“You’ve been watching the door all night.” She knocks his knee with hers.
“He’s not gonna come tonight, is he?”
“You don’t know that.” She swats his arm. “Don’t think so negatively.”
“Did you invite him?”
“Of course I invited him.”
“Then why isn’t he here?” Buck finally meets her gaze. There’s a single tear threatening to spill over. She reaches up to wipe it away.
“Oh Buck, turning 21 is supposed to be fun! Magical! Not crying over some guy.” And she’s right. It is supposed to be fun.
He never came.
It keeps coming in waves. He remembers when it all came crashing down on them. The moment he really wanted to die. He knew it was coming, he knew why. It was a harsh truth that Eddie laid out in front of him of him running away when it got too real for him and he was jumping ship before they were too far in the deep end.
“Maybe if we were closer in age… I don’t know. Maybe it’d all be different.”
Buck is frozen where he stands. One simple sentence brought every fear he had about their relationship to light. And he was right all along to be afraid. He knew. Eddie knew. They both knew all along.
Buck doesn’t respond.
“I’m sorry, but, I’m not sure there’s much left here for either of us.”
It seems as though time has forgotten Buck. He feels stuck, like he can’t move forward. Progress isn’t being made anymore. He wants to be who he was before Eddie even looked in his direction, but he can’t seem to place it. His sister tells him that he can’t move forward without looking back, but that’s all he does. He does nothing but remember. He remembers the nights tangled in sheets, the days spent in matching t-shirts, the phone calls that never seemed to end because you never bore of who was on the other line. It creeps up on him in every facet of his life
It’s been a couple weeks since Eddie broke it off with Buck. Some advice rings in his ears from a friend of his; “the best way to get over someone is by getting under someone else.” He figures he never took his sister’s advice, so why not try this one?
Buck looks over the dance floor and sees a crowd of people grinding and dancing with each other drunker than a sailor on high noon. A too-strong drink is brought to his lips in an effort to gain some liquid when a new figure appears at his side.
“You looked like you needed some company.” A relatively handsome man smiles at him. Buck can barely hear him over the blaring techno music. He scans the stranger’s face and he bears an uncanny resemblance to Eddie. Big brown eyes, dark brown coiffed hair, and cargo pants similar to the ones Eddie keeps in his third dresser drawer.
He could be his stunt double, Buck thinks to himself. Except he’s not him. He’s not his Eddie.
“Thanks, but I’m not interested.” Buck leaves him at the bar and makes his way to the bathroom. He can feel the hot stinging begging to be released at the corner of his eyes. Once he’s in the safety of the empty bathroom, he lets them fall quietly with his back against the wall.
His grieving is interrupted by an individual entering the bathroom in drastic makeup, big hair, and pumps that make them taller than him.
“You look worse for wear, what happened to you, baby?” They ask in a concerned tone, no hint of patronizing. Buck looks up at them and feels like he’s been caught. It makes him feel embarrassed, like he’s been caught. It makes the tears fall faster. When he doesn’t answer they take a lucky guess. “Was it a boy?”
Buck nods and rubs his eyes to keep more tears from spilling. It’s unfruitful as he threatens to let out a sob when a pair of arms are embracing him while he lets it out.
When he looks in the mirror, it’s almost as though he can see the mental wounds manifest through dark circles under his eyes, the clothes he hasn’t bothered to change out of in days and the memories that he can’t seem to forget. Buck silently screams at his bedroom ceiling in the night because he remembers being there. He remembers being in love. It feels like he’s the only one who does. It’s not fair that Eddie doesn’t feel like this, tortured by the entire affair. Buck wishes he could take at least half his pain and throw it in Eddie’s face when his friends make crude jokes about how Eddie only liked him because he was young and impressionable. He tries to take it with a light heart until he hears a rumor from a friend of a friend that Eddie’s newest fling is a year younger than Buck.
Buck remembers. He remembers going to Eddie’s aunts for the first time to the way it hurt when he was met with the ugly truth of the end. Along the journey, he gained a lover and came out the other side gasping and keeled over. Sometimes he can still feel the initial gut punch. While the torment gets easier as the days go on, Buck can’t help but wonder if it left Eddie as black and blue as it did him. Did he feel as strongly as Buck did? Was it getting too close to something real? There are too many unanswered questions that rack his mind when the nights are too quiet.
When the leaves turn color again, Buck is reminded of the passage of time and hopes that it will allow him to heal.
It seems as though he’s not the only one who remembers. A package arrived on his doorstep today, addressed from the one and only. Buck sighs heavily and brings it to his kitchen counter. Among the contents are the belongings he left at Eddie’s. A shirt here, some shorts there. As he’s rummaging through he notices there’s something missing. The pink sweater he wore the first time he met Eddie’s Tía Pepa.
Huh.
So he didn’t imagine the whole thing. He kept his sweater. Which means that Eddie remembers it too. He remembers the way that Buck loved him. And he remembers the way he loved Buck. This time, it doesn’t make him spiral. Instead it provides a little clarity, but also a million more questions. Does Eddie feel just as incapacitated? Does he feel it as deeply as Buck?
Unfortunately, just as he’s plagued by remembering, he’ll be plagued by the unknowing. All he’ll be left with the occasional recollection that it was real, he was there, and so was Eddie.