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If you’d asked Eddie what he’d had for breakfast that morning, he wouldn’t be able to tell you. If you’d asked him what coffee Chim had gotten him at the start of their 24 hour shift, it would probably take him close to a minute to recall the salted caramel apple monstrosity that Chimney had sworn by. He couldn’t recall brushing his teeth, or washing his hands after cracking eggs for Bobby’s new banana bread recipe, he didn’t remember any of his day.
So, as he laid here, pinned under concrete from a factory collapse, he couldn’t remember where he was. He remembered being in the truck, his leg pressed to Buck’s as they laughed about something else he couldn’t think of. But he could see Buck’s smile in his mind, replaying over and over like a bad VHS tape that got stuck.
He wondered, absently, if he had a head injury. Based on how he was trapped, he assumed the floor had given out under his feet. Had he been with Buck? Everything was so quiet now, he wondered how long he’d been down there.
Moving his arm, Eddie reached forward to try and push the concrete away, but it didn’t budge and caused a wave of pain to fully encompass his body. He’d broken a few ribs, he could tell. Maybe punctured a lung? It would explain the rattling feeling of his chest with every breath, but before he’d just chalked that up to being crushed from his torso down. He wondered if he was dying again.
Eddie Diaz was no stranger with death. They’d met on several occasions, shook hands, and Eddie had even followed him a step too far once after being shot. But a different set of hands had pressed to his gunshot wound and dragged him back to the land of the living, demanding that he stay there.
He never told Buck that it was one of his only memories of the shooting- after being shot, but before waking up in the hospital. He didn’t remember falling to the ground, nor did he remember getting in the 133’s truck, but he remembered blinking his eyes open to see his best friend hunched over him, tearing open a gauze packet with blood all over his face.
For a split second, he’d thought maybe the bullet had gone through him and hit Buck as well. That would’ve been ironic, wouldn’t it? They were always together, joined at the hip, it would make sense. Of course Buck had been standing too close and gotten himself hurt in the same shot.
His head was starting to pound now. He really must’ve whacked his scull against the floor when he fell. But as he laid there, small memories of the call were coming back to him. A perfume factory- a stoned employee had thrown his joint too close to something and the last remaining sparks had caused an explosion. Most of the employees had been evacuated when they arrived, but a few had been on the third story in the offices. He had been with Buck. Chim and Hen had stayed down to triage some minor injuries and Bobby had sent them in with Ravi to get the office workers down the stairs safely.
Luckily, it’d only been four people up there. They gave them some oxygen masks, and led them from the offices across the bridge that overlooked the development floor, right above the explosion. They’d taken this route to get to them, Buck leading the charge. But now, on the way down, Eddie was walking in front, making sure everyone was staying together. He’d turned around to tell Buck to be careful, that the ground was already starting to feel wobbly, and then he was falling. He remembered Buck screaming his name, but then everything was dark. He must’ve fallen quite far. He wondered if the entire structural building had come down- that his weight just one more time over the pass had caused everything to fall around him.
Eddie Diaz had caused worlds to crumble around him more than once- he was no stranger to this either. From running away to Afghanistan, to keeping Shannon from Christopher for too long, for Kim…
What did Eddie regret most? Obviously, failing Chris was his number one pick. But he knew that. Yet he had a long list of things he regretted and while he felt the light fade from him, he decided it was time to think about it.
1. Hurting Shannon. Eddie had loved Shannon with his entire being, with everything he was, but they had been so young. So young. He wished he hadn’t let his parents guilt him into it, into a suit, into a wedding, into it all. He knew Shannon regretted it too. He never regretted Christopher. He would do everything in his life again, if it meant he got his son. He’d die a million deaths in that helicopter if it meant he got to hold his son even just once.
He remembered Shannon yelling at him, when he’d come home and she’d wanted to move to California. He remembered the disappointment on her face with him, with who he’d become. He wasn’t her best friend anymore, he was essentially a stranger to her. He’d missed most of her pregnancy, almost missed the birth, and every time he came home, he had more and more trauma that he kept piling into bags that he shooed her away from if she tried to open them.
And when she’d come back to him? He thought that maybe, they could become a family, the family he’d never had, one that Christopher had never had. But when she’d said she might be pregnant, the panic to run away again had obviously set in both of them. But Eddie wasn’t going to run this time, no, they could’ve made it work this time?
But it didn’t.
2- Eddie regretted hurting Ana. He hadn’t meant to. Honestly, he hadn’t realized he was until Buck had pointed out the similarities of his relationship with Abby. He’d met Buck just after Abby had left, so the pain and anger that Buck had been going through… was he doing that to Ana?
Christopher loved her. Being with her was easy, it was like nothing was any work, and maybe that was the problem. Maybe it was too easy because he wasn’t invested past her connection with Christopher. He’d been trying so hard to find someone that would love him as much as Shannon did, but maybe he hadn’t cared if anyone loved Ana like they’d loved Shannon.
He knew it hadn’t been fair to her. When they were suit shopping and the innocent mistake of thinking Chris was her son, that Ana and Eddie were married, it shouldn’t have caused him to have a panic attack. It shouldn’t have sent him to the floor, unable to breathe- much like he was now. It hadn’t been fair to her at all. And when he finally had ended it, she hadn’t even yelled and he almost wish she had. He wondered if he’d have felt less guilty then.
3- Eddie regretted Kim. How could he not? There’s nothing past this to say, because it fed into regret #4.
4- Letting his parents take Chris away from him after he hurt him too. Sometimes, Eddie was grateful for 24 hour shifts because he wasn’t coming home to an empty house. No sound of crutches, or a video game playing on Chris’ computer, no lull of a TV, everything was so quiet. If Buck wasn’t crashing on the couch, he fell asleep to the sound of his air conditioning turning on and off.
His parents didn’t get to try again with his son. That had always been their plan, he knew that. They knew they fucked up with him and his sisters, so they wanted to try again with a kid who didn’t want so much distance from them. Hell, he’d come all the way to L.A. and he still felt like they were smothering him. At Shannon’s funeral, they’d tried again to get Chris away from him and he’d stood his ground that time. Why hadn’t he this time?
Chris hadn’t been able to look at him, he hadn’t been able to even speak to him. Buck hadn’t been able to stop him either and that was his Hail Mary move. He saw his mother smile so widely as Christopher left with them and god, why didn’t he stop them? What if the last time he saw his son in person, his son hated him? He’d texted him and left so many voicemails apologizing, but what if he never got to say it to his face again?
Would Buck tell him that Eddie loved him more than anything? That everything he’d ever done was for him and that he was so incredibly sorry that he’d broken his trust? What if Eddie had a message on his phone that was tucked into the side panel of the truck, from Chris, saying he wanted to come home? What if that text went unanswered? Would his parents even honor his will and let Chris come back home to Buck? Would Buck lose Eddie and Chris in one go? Which lead to the last regret Eddie could think of;
5- Eddie never told Buck that he loved him.
Surely, Buck knew that Eddie saw him in a different light than anyone else, right? Eddie had never felt so close to another person before, nor had he clicked with anyone the way he clicked with Buck. Sure, maybe it didn’t happen until after the you can have my back any day, but ever since that moment, Buck had been his person. Wholly and completely.
Maybe he hadn’t completely allowed himself to realize that until he’d gone to his lawyer and changed his will, to make Buck his son’s legal guardian if something happened to him. Should he have told Buck? Sure, but he knew him well enough to know that he would never say no. No one would fight for his son more than Buck.
Through relationship and relationship, Eddie knew it wasn’t perhaps… normal to hate your best friend’s significant others so much. Abby was fair game, no one had liked her when Eddie joined the 118 so it was easy to shit-talk her when Buck had left the room. How can you not hate a woman who abandoned and ghosted the human equivalent of a sunflower?
Ali… was less fair. She’d been nothing but nice to Eddie and to Buck, honestly. She hadn’t been cut out for dating a firefighter which Eddie couldn’t find fault with. Watching Buck get crushed by a firetruck and immediately want to get back out there was not for the faint of heart. But while she was just fine, he wasn’t sorry to see her go.
Taylor had frustrated him from the moment they met. From trying to air Bobby’s bad trip to running the story of Jonah, she had tried to find a story everywhere, no matter the consequences. He wondered if she ever regretted running the Jonah story since it meant she lost Buck. Surely, she had to? Losing Buck would be… Eddie wasn’t sure what it felt like, but it couldn’t be good.
During the lawsuit, when he was unable to speak to him, he liked to hide his own misery behind Chris’. Sure, Chris missed Buck more than anything, but Eddie missed him too. He missed sprawling out of his couch, watching a stupid cop movie or a murder mystery, watching his two favorite people try and guess the twist before it happened. They were very rarely right, but it never stopped them from trying. And Chris never wanted to watch the movies without Buck, so during the lawsuit, Eddie sat on the couch, pushed to one side despite having the entirety of it to himself, watching the news.
When they’d run into each other at the grocery store, he’d used Chris as a shield. Do you even know how much Christopher misses you? And Buck had thrown out a solution right away, but it didn’t fucking matter! If Buck wasn’t with both of them, it didn’t fix the problem.
God, he had to know, right? With every touch, with every lingering look, Buck had to know that Eddie loved him, yeah? He should’ve told him anyway. Even if he knew, he should have told Buck that he loved him every day. Eddie had always been so scared to show emotion, to open his heart to anyone, but Buck had deserved for him to face his fear and tell him that he loved him, wholeheartedly and completely.
Why hadn’t he done it? Tommy was a factor at this point. While he knew that they weren’t incredibly serious yet, Buck was still seeing someone, someone who was his supposed friend, but these days if Eddie saw Tommy, he felt bile rise in his chest and all he wanted to do was strangle the man.
At first, he’d wondered if he was just homophobic. But then he thought of all the times he had dinner at Hen’s house with her and Karen, and he thought about Michael and no, he wasn’t homophobic. Tommy-phobic, maybe.
Or he was jealous.
Hen had been the first to mention it. She’d seen how Eddie’s fists clenched whenever Tommy stopped by the firehouse to see Buck and she watched as he quickly went downstairs whenever they shared a kiss.
‘Do you think you might be… a little jealous of their relationship?” she’d asked, sitting across from Eddie at his kitchen table.
Eddie had kept his gaze intently on the scratch in the table, where Buck had been helping Chris with a project and the hot glue had dripped down. Without thinking, Buck had ripped it up, causing the stain to disappear and Buck to burn his fingertips. “Why would I be jealous of anything to do with Tommy?”
“Maybe he has what you want.”
Everything was getting dark around him now. Was it night? Had he been down in this basement for so long, crushed by concrete, that night had fallen? Were his eyes closed now? He couldn’t remember how to open his eyes anymore, if they were shut that is.
He wasn’t going to go home. He wasn’t going to be able to tell Christopher he was sorry, he wasn’t going to be able to tell his parents off, and he wasn’t going to tell Buck he loved him. This was it. His last words were ‘This fucking perfume smells like shit’ because he’d never actually gotten his warning out to Buck about the bridge being unsound. He hoped if Buck told the story, he would do the right thing and lie about his last words.
“...-die!”
The voice pierced the darkness, but Eddie still couldn’t find his way out of it. Then he felt gloved hands on his cheeks, brushing away the soot and crumbled concrete that he’d been laying in for god-knows how long. “Eddie, stay with me, okay?”
He heard a few more voices join the one he knew so well, and then suddenly, the weight was off of him and he was being dragged out from the slab of concrete. Breathing was still painful, but the first gasp of pure oxygen was so intense that his eyes flew open.
Blue eyes were the first thing he saw and his own hand came up, touching Buck’s cheek, fingertips right by his birthmark. Maybe God had finally taken pity on Eddie; given him this one last hallucination before the darkness took over again. Giving him Buck for just a brief moment of insanity to help him move on.
Buck’s hand came up over Eddie’s, “We’re gonna get you out, okay? Just have to wait a few more minutes.”
Even this fake Buck was still so optimistic. “Buck.” He had to say it, even to this false god. Buck met his gaze again, maybe hearing the intensity in which it was said. “Buck, I love you.”
There. Much better last words
And then everything went dark.
-
Going from intense darkness to the bright lights of a hospital room was never something Eddie got used to. He should, honestly, given his line of work. His brain started to register the sounds of nurses walking by and the beep-beep-beep of his heart. A phone was ringing and god, did no one work here? Could no one pick it up? But then his brain woke up even more and he focused in on the voice in his room. The same voice he’d heard last.
“No, Chris, I know you want to fly home now. I know. I told you, as soon as he’s awake and everything’s sorted, I’ll have him call you. I promise. Okay, I’ll talk to you later tonight.” A big sigh followed this and then wooden chair legs pushed back as someone settled back into the most uncomfortable chair ever designed. Eddie knew this from experience.
“Teenagers, hm?” Eddie murmured, eyes still shut. “Stubborn as fuck.”
The chair legs squealed as the person sat up straight. “Eddie? Oh my god-” He felt a hand knock his, and then a beep as the nurse was called.
Opening his eyes was like lifting lead weights with his eyelashes. He must be on some pretty heavy doses of morphine. But when he finally was able to open his eyes, he saw Buck, in a pair of dark sweatpants and a LAFD sweatshirt, sitting beside him. His hair was a mess and he looked like shit. So, Eddie told him.
Buck snorted, but his hand now rested on top of Eddie’s near the call button. “You should see yourself. The bags under your eyes are insane.”
Eddie hummed, eyes fluttering shut again and his fingers curling around Buck’s wrist- a heavy weight keeping him grounded here, just like always. He wasn’t sure how long they sat like that; Buck’s thumb rubbing the side of his hand and Eddie holding onto him like an anchor.
“Everyone else is okay?” he asked. “You… you and Ravi got all the office workers out?”
“Yeah,” Buck said, but his voice was tight. “We found a back staircase that no one decided to fucking mention until you were buried under rubble.”
“Panic makes people… well, panic.” Eddie huffed a laugh, and he could hear Buck roll his eyes.
“Eloquent as ever, aren’t you? And oh so funny.” Buck went quiet now, his thumb never pausing its movements. “You feel okay?”
Before Eddie could respond, the nurse came in. “Mr. Diaz. Nice to see you awake. Your friends and family are taking up half my waiting room. And then there’s this one.” She gestured to Buck, who blushed a pretty shade of pink.
“He’s the worst, isn’t he?” Eddie’s hand slid further into Buck’s and he didn’t say anything as Buck tangled their hands further together- but the tips of Buck’s index was on his wrist, checking his pulse.
“Your partner certainly was worried,” she replied, checking Eddie’s vitals and she seemed pleased with what she saw. “How are you feeling?”
“Like a slab of concrete fell on top of me,” he said honestly and Buck exhaled sharply, rolling his eyes. But his fingers were still on his heartbeat. Eddie gave him a squeeze. I’m here. I’m not leaving you. And only then did Buck just slide his hand fully back into Eddie’s.
The nurse, however, gave him a look. “Quite the jokester, I see. I’ll be back in a bit.” She left them alone.
“Scared the shit out of me,” Buck said quietly, bringing his other hand up to play with the bracelet on Eddie’s wrist. “When I found you, you… you weren’t really awake.”
“I’m sorry for scaring you,” he said honestly. “Thank you for coming to get me. As always.”
The ghost of a smile flickered across Buck’s face, his gaze still down. “I got your back. You know that.”
Eddie gave his hand another squeeze, “And I have yours. Or as soon as I’m out of this fucking hospital bed, I have yours.”
“You know, having my back doesn’t just mean physically,” Buck reminded him. “You have my back in all aspects of my life.”
But not all of you. The little voice in Eddie’s head was back to play this game. I don’t have you when you’re tired and curled up against me. I don’t have you in the morning, brushing our teeth next to each other. I don’t have you singing in the shower. I don’t have you making breakfast on mornings we’re both off. I have your back, but I don’t have you.
“I try my best,” he said, instead of anything else.
Buck slowly raised his gaze, meeting Eddie’s eyes. “Do you remember-” Oh no. “-when I found you? When we got the concrete off? You’d lost a lot of blood, so I won’t blame you but do you remember?”
But do you remember telling me that you loved me? Was the silent question.
Eddie looked at him for a long moment, at the man who had changed his life entirely and completely. Turned everything he thought he knew upside down and then right back up. The second best thing to ever happen to him, right after Christopher. The one person he could always count on, no matter what was happening or where they were. Hell, Eddie could be in Antarctica and call for Buck and he knew in the matter of hours, Buck would be by his side.
“Buck, I-”
“Here’s that coffee, Evan.” Tommy’s voice broke the atmosphere they’d created in this small room. He smiled at Eddie, “You’re up. That’s good.” He went to hand Buck the paper cup but his eyes zeroed in on where their hands were intertwined on the bed. Eddie pulled his hand free, ignoring how cold he felt now without the warmth of Buck. Tommy still didn’t relax, but just said, “Hope I wasn’t interrupting.”
Tommy was Buck’s boyfriend. Had been for months now. Eddie was just his fucked up best friend, who’d ruined every relationship in his life more than once and probably would again. Buck didn’t need Eddie, and he certainly didn’t need his love.
“Not interrupting,” Eddie said quietly, before looking back at Buck, who hadn’t looked away from him. “I don’t remember anything after I fell. Did I say something weird?”
He knew Buck like the back of his hand, so he could see the hurt in his eyes. Was saying he loved him so weird? So out of the norm that he could only chalk it up to delirium?
“Yeah,” Buck said after a long moment. “Said some… crazy stuff. Don’t worry. Doesn’t change a thing between us.”
Hearing his own words, that he’d told Buck those months ago when he’d come out to him, hit like another slab of fucking concrete.
He wondered if it hurt when he told Buck that.
He re-wrote regret number 5. Taking back telling Buck that he loved him.
~
Christopher decided to come home a week and three days later. Eddie had tried to postpone, despite wanting this for the last two months, worried that Chris was only doing this out of fear that Eddie would drop dead at any moment. Buck had helped Eddie get everything in his room ready- and by help, he did most of the work as Eddie was prohibited from doing much more than dusting and fluffing up the pillows. Any time he tried to do more, Buck would threaten to take away the feather duster.
Things were… mostly the same. Buck had driven him home from the hospital two days after he’d woken up. He’d helped him inside, showed him all the dishes that had been made in the short time span, and then helped him get into some more comfortable clothes. But there was a question in the air between them that both of them seemed perfectly content to ignore.
Eddie would pretend that he never said he was in love with him and Buck would pretend he never heard it. Perfect dynamic.
As they drove to pick Chris up from the airport, things were almost normal. Buck, the driver, glanced at his phone at a red light and scoffed under his breath and tossed the phone back into the cup holder.
“Everything okay?” Eddie asked softly.
“Fine,” he responded.
Eddie, obviously, knew that was a lie. He’d heard Buck on the phone with who he could only assume was Tommy before they left. Eddie had been bringing their water bottles to car and coming back in when he heard Buck’s terse voice. “I don’t give a fuck if you think it’s weird, Tommy. Chris has been gone all summer.” A beat of silence. “I’m aware he’s not my son.”
This was true. But the words had still hurt to hear. He knew that Buck loved Chris more than basically anyone besides Jee. He knew that Buck would die for Chris in a heartbeat, and he wondered if he also heard the strain in his voice as he’d said the words to Tommy.
“Eddie asked me to be here. To go with him.” Another pause, then Buck’s voice was low. “This has nothing to do with- he almost died. Fucking forgive me for holding my best friend’s hand after he beat death. Again.”
So, Buck had insisted he was fine after he’d heard that conversation and all Eddie had thought about on the way to the airport, was that he had fucked up again and Chris was going to lose another parental figure in his life because he was a block in the path of Buck and Tommy.
All of it had been squashed however, when he saw his son in the airport. Everything broken in his heart seemed to heal. He hugged his son close, breathed in his green apple shampoo, and everything in the world was right for a moment. He was here, Chris was here, Buck was here. There was nothing else Eddie needed in the world.
~
A part of Eddie’s brain should’ve known someone else would’ve heard his confession. Buck hadn’t been alone when he found Eddie. But the thought seemed to have evaded him until first shift that he didn’t have with Buck since being back to work, but did have Hen.
“Did you two talk about it?” Hen asked him as they restocked the ambulance.
Eddie briefly glanced at her, “Who and what are we talking about?”
“Did you and Buck talk about what you said in the factory basement?”
Cold ice flooded Eddie’s veins and panic crept in. “I don’t remember anything that happened after I fell,” he said, casually. “Buck already asked me.”
She hummed thoughtfully, “I’m sure he did ask.”
His gaze shot up, “What is that supposed to mean?”
She laughed softly at his expression. “I figured if you two had discussed it and it had gone well, Buck wouldn’t still be with Tommy. Though, from an inside source, I’ve heard that isn’t going too well right now.”
Buck was his best friend. So, it made guilt creep into Eddie’s gut since relief filled his chest. “Oh? And who is this inside source- it’s Chim. Maddie said something, didn’t she?”
Hen grinned. “I’m not allowed to say. Sworn to secrecy.”
“They fought,” he admitted. “Right before we picked up Chris. Tommy mentioned stuff about Chris not being Buck’s kid and that it was weird he was there.”
She snorted, putting gauze in one of the drawers. “Weird. Yeah, it’s weird how the man who has been in his life steadily and completely since he was seven shows up when he comes home after two months. Odd and strange.”
A small smile spread across his face. “That’s what I was thinking.”
Comfortable silence fell between them for just a moment and then Eddie asked, “Wait, what do you mean if it had gone well, Buck wouldn’t be with Tommy?”
“If you don’t remember what you said, then I don’t think it’s necessary to say,” she said lightly.
“Hen.”
She sighed deeply, like she’d explained this to him already a hundred times, and faced him. “Eddie, do you really think that Buck would waste anymore time on that sorry excuse of a man if he knew you were an option?”
A deep blush, sprouting from his nose spread all the way to the tips of his ears. “That’s not- Buck doesn’t-”
“Doesn’t what? Love you more than anyone? Think that you are sunshine incarnate? Eddie, that kid would die for you in a second, and he would give you the world if he could. He’s always been all in for you, no matter what.”
“He’s my best friend.”
Nodding, she said, “Yeah. And you also told him you loved him right before you thought you were going to die.”
Eddie carefully folded the blood pressure cuff and put it back in its place. “I do love him. He’s my best friend.”
“You and I both know that best friends don’t admit something like that when death is on the line. He knows you love him like a best friend.”
Eddie huffed. “I don’t think Buck knows anyone loves him. He’s always so sure people are going to leave him and I’ve left him before. I leave and destroy everything I get my fucking hands on, and I’m not going to destroy him too. Why he gave me a second chance after I left for dispatch and put so much distance between us, I don’t know, but I-”
He didn’t realize his leg had been bouncing until Hen gently put a hand on it. “Eddie.”
He took a deep breath, trying to calm how his heart pressed against his chest. “I can’t hurt Buck.”
“Don’t you think lying to him about this is hurting him?”
Shaking his head, he replied, “This is something we can move past. If I fuck up his relationship, take Tommy’s place and then hurt him that way? He’s gone. And I won’t deserve another chance and then Chris will lose him too.”
“Taking Tommy’s place is a weird way of looking at it,” she said. “If anything, Tommy is trying to take your place.”
A laugh burst from his chest, “What?”
“Eddie, let’s be real, please? If you started dating someone who had a best friend who had a kid, that they raised basically as their own, they did everything including work together, and literally were so intertwined in each other’s lives it was hard to pick them apart, would you assume they’re single? Tommy looked at Buck, who was so involved in your life, and decided that he would, what, change his mind? Buck has moved from state to state, from job to job, from relationship to relationship, but the only two things that have never changed since I’ve known him, are this firehouse, and you.”
~
They were on a 48 a few days later. Hen’s inside source had confirmed that Buck and Tommy had broken up. Eddie knew this. Buck had showed up at his house with a six-pack and a sad smile. “Want to help me drink my sorrows away?”
He didn’t give any details and Eddie didn’t ask. He knew Buck would tell him eventually and he didn’t want to press, especially since Buck hadn’t pushed him on anything.
But they were in the truck, sitting across from each other and Buck’s gaze was out the window, clearly lost in thought. The call had been a simple one- an allergic reaction that an Epipen helped. Eddie’s gaze was stuck on Buck. He knocked his knee against Buck’s and blue eyes met his, in a silent question.
You good? He mouthed.
Buck looked at him for a long moment before he nodded and rested his hand on the armrest. His fingertips just brushed Eddie’s.
~
Chris was at a sleepover when Eddie’s front door burst open. He looked up, knowing only one other person in the world had a key. Buck walked quickly into view of the couch and said, “Okay, I’m gonna word dump on you and you’re just gonna shut the fuck up until I’m done, okay?”
Eddie mimicked zipping his mouth shut and throwing the zipper over his shoulder. Buck huffed out a laugh.
“You told me you loved me. In the basement of that factory. We’d spent 2 hours trying to find you and when we finally did, you were… you were covered in blood and broken and I thought you were dead and then you looked at me and told me you loved me.
“And then you almost died. Again, Eddie. You… we were in the back of that ambulance and you never even moved. You just had a barely there pulse and a dropping BP. And then you were in surgery and all I could think about was that you had told me you loved me and I was never going to be able to say it back.”
Eddie’s entire chest bloomed in warmth, going all the way from his heart to the tips of his toes and fingers. But, as promised, he stayed quiet.
“Hours later, you’re finally awake, and you… you were holding my hand and then you said you didn’t remember.” Buck shook his head. “I… I wasn’t mad, you know? It would’ve been fine, but I… I couldn’t stop thinking about why you had said it. I know you love me, I can feel it every time we’re with each other, but how… how could you love me? So, I just kept telling myself that it was the pain and adrenaline you’d been experiencing, but I can’t keep going without saying that I love you. Too, hopefully.” Buck ended his speech with a big breath, like he’d been about to burst if he kept it inside any longer.
Eddie slowly reached behind the couch and pretended to put the zipper back on his mouth and unzip it. “Am I okay to talk now?”
“You’re a fucking asshole,” Buck said, but his eyes were shining.
“I remembered.”
Buck blinked. Once. Twice. Three times. “But you said-”
“I couldn’t exactly fucking admit that I loved you in front of your boyfriend, could I?” He shook his head. “He was already glaring daggers into me because you were holding my hand. After I almost died. How dare you, honestly.”
Buck huffed, “That’s what I was saying! You cheat death and your best friend isn’t allowed to hold your hand? What kind of world are we living in?”
Eddie pushed himself to a standing position, “Buck. I love you. I could give you a big speech like you just gave me, but it’s that simple. I love you and I… I think I always have. It’s always been you. I think I knew that, I just didn’t know what always meant. I knew you’d always be my best friend, the person I trusted more than anyone, but I… I didn’t know it was more than that until… well, more recently.”
A harsh breath left Buck. “You love me?”
“I do,” Eddie confirmed.
“In a non-friend kinda way?”
“I do love you in a friend kinda way, but also in the non-friend kinda way.”
“Why do I love you? You’re so stupid.” Buck’s hand cupped around his neck and he drew Eddie close, pressing his lips to his softly.
Eddie had spent many sleepless nights wondering what a first kiss with Buck might be like. Sometimes it was a passionate, nearly overwhelming kiss that made his stomach drop and pushed the air from his lungs. Other times it was a peck, not meaning to do it, just something that was an impulse that they didn’t think twice about.
This was different than anything he imagined. Buck’s hands were on either side of his face and Eddie’s hands went to his sides, holding him close. Buck’s lips were soft and gentle against his own, kissing Eddie like he had all the time in the world. Like nothing would ever come between them ever again. So when Buck pulled back, his nose brushing Eddie’s, Eddie amended his regret one last time.
Not telling Buck he loved him sooner. Because honestly, had this been what he was missing out on the whole time?