Work Text:
The Executive is not happy.
The Elizabeth Sparkle debacle was weighing heavily on him - not his conscience particularly, for it was anyone's guess if he indeed possessed one, but definitely on his mind. In a half hour, he had an appointment with Harvey who, he hoped, could elucidate what had gone wrong at the New Year's Eve show and most importantly, what in the world had been that hideous Frankenstein monster on stage that had dissolved the event into pure chaos. Meanwhile, he brought up a page of reviews of The Substance on his laptop. Of course, being a black-market drug, The Substance was not supposed to have such a thing, but of course, it did. And of course, right now, articles were popping up in the mainstream press like dandelions after spring rain ranging from "The Substance: Here's What You Need to Know," to "Why Having a Younger, "Better" Self is a Good Thing." (Well, okay, that one was a plant by his publicity team, but who was going to find out?)
He clicks on the first review and begins to read.
Five stars
The Substance literally changed my life!
I admit it: when my fiftieth birthday began approaching, I started feeling really depressed. I could not stop obsessing about how it's all downhill from here and how one day, I would literally be invisible. I was so depressed, I could not get out of bed some days. I considered going on antidepressants, but since they wouldn't do anything to alter my appearance (except maybe make me gain weight), I figured I would still be depressed. Then my therapist brought up the possibility of The Substance. She is on it herself and says it was a lifesaver. That was when I put two and two together and realized why some weeks she looks so young and others, not so young, even though she wears a face mask then and claims it's because she has a cold and doesn't want to risk passing it on. She discussed it with me and never tried to pressure me either way. She did emphasize, however, how crucial it is to keep the balance absolutely perfect; otherwise, horrible side effects will occur, and they are irreversible. This was scary, but like I said, I was desperate.
After some serious thought, I decided to try it. I admit having to inject myself was a bummer because I'm not big on needles. Also, the initial process was painful. I have experienced the joys of childbirth twice, and let's just say, it makes those times actually look like a joy. However, having a younger, better version of me was all I hoped it would be. I did have to figure out how to hide my other body when I was expecting guests, but it wasn't that hard. Since I telecommute, I just wear a scarf, mask and gloves when I Zoom and explain it's because I'm taking Covid precautions (one can never be too careful these days). I've started to get a lot more attention from men, and I love it! I'm back to my "old" self and could not be happier.
Three stars
The Substance is a mixed bag - and you must be careful!
I have read the other reviews and want to add my own. I am middle-aged and have been on The Substance for two years. Overall, I love being able to look considerably younger every other week. However, you must be extra careful to make sure the balance is perfect and neither of you abuse it in any way. This happened early on, and I wound up with a lacerated finger that unfortunately, no doctor I've consulted can fix. Also, the company places complete responsibility on you and won't refer to you for assistance if you run into difficulties. Yes, it's amazing to look and feel so young again, but the penalties can be steep. So watch out!
One star
The Substance? Try the Scamstance!
My elderly mother went in to see the dermatologist to have a couple of suspicious moles removed. Later, she found a flash drive marked THE SUBSTANCE in her pocketbook. She watched the whole thing and decided that being able to have a younger, "better" self was worth any risk. Unfortunately, she did not share any of this with me, or I would have told her not to take that kind of risk. I do not live nearby, though we are in regular contact, and so did not witness what was going on until it was too late. Now she looks close to one hundred, her bones are brittle enough to snap in two (yes, I know osteoporosis happens when you age, but this is beyond anything the doctors can treat), and her once spotless home is a disaster (it looks like a candidate for one of those hoarder shows) and at this point, I just don't see any kind of cure. Apparently, the company from whom she got the Substance was zero help and claims it's her own fault for misusing it. I fully intend to post reviews about The Substance wherever I can and am seeking legal action. If I could give The Substance zero stars I would.
"Good luck with that," The Executive mutters, as a knock comes on his door from The Assistant.
"Sir, your next appointment is here."
"Send him in." When dealing with subordinates, The Executive does not bother with pleasantries, names or even pronouns - male, female, non-binary, whatever the kids are identifying as these days, he sticks to his lifelong habit of acknowledging them only when necessary. The Assistant, used to this, vanishes without another word, and Harvey appears.
"Harvey, have a seat. God, you look like hell, if you don't mind my saying so."
His guest slumps into a chair and makes a show of wiping his brow. "Probably because I feel like I just got back."
"Well, let's not beat around the bush. What was that? What happened? The rumors I'm hearing are that that creature was allegedly Elizabeth Sparkle. But how? Unless she took The Substance, of course. Still, I had no idea things could progress that far."
Harvey shrugs. "After we fired her, she disappeared for a week and then came back to retrieve her personal effects. After that, Lizzie dropped off the face of the earth. We figured she moved someplace exotic because we never heard from her again. Not a peep or a text. Zilch. Nada. Sayonara, baby. But it didn't matter because we hired Sue to replace her. A perfect 10, that chick was. We couldn't believe our luck. How were we to know she took The Substance? Trust me, I've been over this from any angle with my legal team, and there's no way anyone can take legal action against us."
The Executive sighs. "No one in Elizabeth's life noticed that this was going too far? How is that possible?"
Harvey: "Don't know. Don't really care at this point. She was a hottie in her day, but after fifty, it's all downhill. Men still have plenty of juice left in the tank, but for them, after fifty, it just stops."
The Executive: "Ain't that the truth. Though my wife swears by Botox. And no one did a reference check on this Sue?"
Harvey: "That wasn't on me either. My staff is supposed to vet all the candidates. That's what I pay them for, at least that's the way it was supposed to work."
The Executive: "Well, whatever. No sign that this Sue was actually Elizabeth? No one got close enough to her on set to figure this out?"
Harvey: "Apparently not. She did party with some of my staff, and they seemed to hit if off. She got along well with everyone, but I don't think they discussed anything too personal."
The Executive: "Ah. So right now, you're looking for a host again? I can give you some references if you'd like."
Harvey: "Right now, the workout show's on hiatus, but maybe in the future. By the way, did you ever consider taking The Substance yourself?"
The Executive laughs: "Are you kidding me? Look, I was born a good-looking guy. I've always known that. Still am. Why would I put myself through all that just to look younger? If anything, I'm happier now than I was when I was forty years ago. You see, that's what people don't get. They're so busy remembering what they used to have, they forget all the advantages they have at the moment."
Harvey: "True. Also when you're younger, you're so busy trying to climb the ladder and prove yourself, you can't always stop and enjoy yourself."
The Executive: "Did you ever see that optical illusion picture that one way you look at it, it's a young girl, and the other way, it's a hag? It's not always what you see, it's how you choose to look."
Harvey: "That's very deep, but may I point out, right now, you're in the same mess I am."
The Executive: "As they say, 'This, too, shall pass.'"
Harvey: "Sometimes I think I wouldn't mind trying The Substance myself. But I guess the whole Elizabeth Sparkle disaster did me a favor. Now I wouldn't try The Substance if you paid me. I mean, maybe I'm not the most handsome guy, but imagine how I'd end up if I took it. No thanks!"
The Executive: "Me either. Ready for lunch?"
Harvey: "You bet. I hope they have prawns on the menu. And don't worry. This whole Substance mess will blow over."
The Executive: "I know. But thanks." Then he brightens. "Don't tell anyone, but we have scientists working on an even better Substance. As long as human nature doesn't change, there'll always be a market for it."
Harvey: "Lizzie was always kind of unstable anyway. Something like this was bound to happen."
Together the two turn and leave the room, in search of sustenance.