Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Hey bill, we need to talk.” Bill became curious to see what the Axolotl wanted.

“Yeah what’s up?” The Axolotl took a deep sigh and spoke

“I talked with Ford a while ago, and he mentioned that you would make…” They took a pause and started to speak again

“..that you would make suicidal comments and talk about cutting yourself just to feel pain.” Bill had a mix of shock and confusion, he then tried to deny it.

“PFFFFT-WHAT?! You’re really gonna believe THAT brainiac?! Please, give me a break- he doesn’t know what he’s talking about is all!” The Axolotl had a look of disappointment, he’s avoiding the question. That is an obvious sign.

“Bill, I’m coming to you about this so I can help you.” Bill then denied.

“Listen if you do yourself a favor and leave me alone then you’ll realize that what ford said was false.”

“You don’t even know what you’re talking about.” The Axolotl spoke.

“Yes I do!” Bill shouted. The Axolotl was fed up with him trying to deny it.

“So, you don’t have any self harm scars do you?” Bill chuckled a bit before blurting out

“Of course I don’t!” The Axolotl then sighed, they really didn’t want to do this but they had no other choice. Here goes nothing.

“Then show me your arms.”

---

“W-Wait, what…?” I muttered, is she really doing this?

“You heard me, if Ford was lying then show me your arms. I didn’t want to confront you about this but I truly do care about you, you understand that right?” The Axolotl spoke. I knew that they cared about me and wanted me to get better but… I just couldn’t show them.. I don't want them to see me like this. I don't want them to see how deep each wound went

“Yeah, I do know that..”

“Then show me your arms or I will….” The Axolotl then took a deep long shaken breath

“…or I will have to use force..” I froze and was extremely nervous.

“Use force…?”

“Yes Bill, I don’t want to do it but if you keep refusing then I’ll have to.” I start to panic, I don't want this to happen.

“N-No.. you wouldn’t, right..?” They were getting pissed off by the way I was acting, I could tell. They then stepped forward towards me, I started to panic even more. I step back and hold my arms up in-front of me.

“G-Get back! I’ll hurt you if you-"

“Bill, this is your last chance. I know you don’t want to and I can tell you’re getting nervous but you need to calm down. I would usually brush off when I’m told something about you but when it comes to suicidal tendencies and self harm I start to get concerned! I want to help you Bill! So again, this is your last chance to show me your arms.” I could tell the Axolotl was getting pissed off by her tone of voice.

"JUST FUCKING BELIEVE ME FOR ONCE!" I scream back, beyond pissed. I then instantly regret it. Shit.

"That's it." They then practically stomp towards me, and then yank my arms towards them. I instantly panic and shriek, because not only were they forcing themselves to pull down my sleeves but her fingers were practically digging into my skin. Hurting my arms even more.

"I didn't mean it! Get away from me!" I try to fight back, yanking my arms back and trying to run away. It was difficult trying to get out of her grasp, her digging deeper into my skin and yanking harder then the last time. Then, as expected, she finally gets what she wanted. My arms were now on display for anyone nearby, each wound deep and scarred. They hurt so much that a simple caress across the arm could make me flinch in pain. But with fingers digging into my skin? I might as well been going through torture.

Wait.

She can see my arms.

She can see my arms.

Oh god.

---

His arms… they were covered from wrist all the way to the elbow. From the scars alone I could tell he went all the way to the 2nd or 3rd layer. It didn't help at the fact I was grabbing and yanking his arms, so there was imprints on his arms which didn't help. I didn’t know it was this serious. I thought it would be small, barely noticeable. If it wasn’t for Ford to bring this to me then I wouldn’t have noticed. I look up at Bill to find him in a face of shock, looking down.

“Oh god I'm so sorry! I didn't think-"

Then Bill started to softly.. cry? Wait what? I thought Bill never cried, let alone be sad. I slowly let his arms go as he slowly put his arms down by his side, continuing to sob slowly. I wasn’t just going to let him stand there, especially not like this. I slowly let my arms out for him to hug me. Then without warning, he jumps into my arms and wraps his arms around me as he cries more. I Didn’t know what to do, so I just hugged him back. I even start to tear up too. I didn't know what to do at this point, but just cry.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want you to know!" He spoke, still sobbing.

"Don't blame yourself, it's not your fault. I'm sorry for hurting you even more."

After a few minutes, he eventually calmed down. Not because I comforted him, but because he fell asleep in my arms.. for some reason. I gently picked his unconscious body, and placed him down on a couch for him to rest. I could see stained tears on his face as I placed him down.

Chapter Text

I blacked out again. I cant remember anything that happened. But i do remember waking up on a couch, confused. I slowly got up and sat up. I looked around, The Axolotl was right there- Of course they were. I roll my eyes at them.

"What do you want?" I spoke in an angry tone.

"Your finally awake." She spoke softly. For some reason her voice would sooth me, it kind of freaked me out. I calmed down a bit before speaking up.

"Yeah.. i am." The Axolotl then sat right beside me, looking at me before speaking.

"How are you feeling? Are you okay? You fell asleep from panicking in my arms. I'm guessing you don't remember right?" I paused. How did she know that i didn't remember?

"How did you know that i didn't remember?"

"Bill, you know you have dissociative amnesia right?" I freeze. I had what now? No, that's false. She's just fucking with me. She's trying to trick me. That's not true at all.

"That's not true. I'm fine!" I slightly yell in annoyance. She sighed before speaking.

"Bill, your not fine. You do have it, you just don't remember it. You have many mental health conditions, you just refuse to accept them." She spoke in the same soft, calm voice. I hated that voice, I hated how it calms me down. It's so comforting, I hate it. But the mental health shit? There's no way its true. If i don't remember it then it didn't happen. Right?  I wanted to ask what they were, but i knew that if i did i would just freak out, deny it, and then just force myself to dissociate and forget everything- No. Don't start.

"Oh.." I mumble. There was an awkward moment of silence. Then, she spoke up.

"Hey Bill? I need to ask you something." I get a bit caught off guard from the question.

"Oh uh- Sure. What is it?" I say confident, though I'm panicking on the inside. What does she want now?

"How long have you been Suicidal for?" I freeze in place. How long have i been suicidal for? God, its been so long i cant remember. I actually cant even remember when i could stay clean for a week. Let alone five days- Oh. Not even five days. At this point, i didn't even want to keep up the 'tough guy persona' anymore.

"If I'm being honest, for a while now. I don't remember exactly but after I destroyed my universe I was just not the same. After a while I just felt like I didn't want to live anymore. I blamed myself for my parents death, blamed myself for everything. I just felt as if I didn't deserve to live anymore. So I started to take it out on myself." I gently crossed my hands and I placed them on my arms where I could feel the scars sting like hell. She just stared back at me, I could see her face soften as she listened.

Then she did something that I never thought would happen.

She gently grabbed my hand.

She actually held it.

I look back at her in shock. 

"Hey, it's not your fault. You were just a kid, you didn't know what you were doing. You just wanted to show them the stars."

I just wanted to show them the stars.

I just wanted to show them the stars.

Tears slowly fall down from my eyes, not making any noise, just.. tears.

"I always thought it was my fault." I utter, feeling my voice break. Just as I say that, I felt her arms wrap around me and pull me close towards her, until I'm pressed up against her chest. She was hugging me, and it felt genuine. 

It felt genuine.

She actually cares.

"And it's not."

I then hug her back and just let myself cry into her chest, I have never felt more comfort by somebody. She actually cares, she cares about how I'm feeling, she makes sure I'm okay, she makes sure I don't hurt myself, she cares about me. So much. And I care about her too. I feel her hand slowly drag her fingers down in my hair, caressing it carefully, bringing them back to the roots, and repeating it.

"Thank you for caring about me."

"Your welcome, I'm always here when you need me."