Archive of Our Own

She’s no longer that loser-version of Emily, the Emily that wore glasses and read books in class and answered every question. Now, she’s the Emily who is dating Mike Monroe, the Emily that is deserving of his attention and knows how to command it. She hasn’t been Loser Emily in a long time, and she refuses to show it to anyone. No one cares how smart she is. All they care about is what she looks like when she has her arm wrapped around Mike Monroe.

But, she still tutors Matt. Math, in general, has never been his strong suit, but if his grade in trigonometry doesn’t get better then he’ll be ineligible to play on Friday’s games. So at first, she helped him with the main functions, then with inverses, then with identities, and then it turns out he needed way more help than he was letting on and she helps him every Tuesday after school.

They study in the back of the library, so no one gets the wrong idea. She hasn’t even told Mike about their tutoring sessions. Not like he would care, he has never been the brainiac type of guy either, and there’s little possibility that he would care. He hasn’t cared about what she does in a long time.

They’re only a few weeks into their senior year, into a year without Hannah and Beth being with them. She only allows herself to think about Hannah and Beth in the privacy of her bedroom, where she can wallow in her guilt and regret in peace, away from Mike and his empty words of encouragement and desire to just take off their clothes and get him off.

The last thing she wanted was to get them killed. She didn’t know that the prank would be taken that far, and she certainly didn’t know that it would lead to Hannah and Beth running into the woods and never being seen again.

She remembers them staying awake all night, waiting for them to return. She remembers Josh and Chris waking up from their hangover, and Josh’s outburst when he found out what they did to Hannah. They called the authorities, and their parents, and stayed at that cabin for five extra days before realizing that the twins were never coming back. And there was nothing they could do about it.

It was all because of Emily. She voiced her concerns to Jess, who had the smart idea to make this whole prank, to embarrass Hannah and get it all on video. “She needs to be put in her place,” Jess had said.

And now they’re both gone, and it was all because Emily was insecure. She was insecure in her relationship and her place in their friend group. Insecure that she had never really been wanted, had only become friends with them because she and Hannah had been close since middle school when she wore glasses and had braces.

Mike doesn’t understand why Emily feels so guilty about it, why their deaths weigh on her shoulders like Atlas, and why she can never seem to feel happy because of it.

But Matt does. He gets it, and understands their part in the prank and the responsibility it holds. He’s a good guy and an empathetic one at that. Matt is compassionate and sweet, and everything that a girl would want in a boyfriend. Besides the fact that he’s dumb as rocks, but most girls don’t have high standards like that anyway.

He’s in the middle of finding cosine when Emily interrupts him. “Why don’t you have a girlfriend, Matt?”

He nearly draws a line across his paper, but stops himself at the last second, his pencil making a harsh squeaking noise that rings in Emily’s ears. “What?”

She rolls her eyes. “I know you heard me, idiot, or you wouldn’t have freaked out like that. I’m serious, I know a lot of girls like you, so why don’t you go after one of them?”

“I don’t know. I guess I’ve just never thought about it,” he says, a blush rising on his cheeks.

“I’ll set you up with somebody.”

“No, Emily, you really don’t need to do that–”

“I know for a fact that Jess thinks you're cute. She said that your ass always looks nice in your uniform.”

“Emily!”

“Keep your voice down, stupid, we’re still in a library,” she says harshly, hushing him.

Matt leans closer to her, leaning on his elbows on the table. “Emily, do not set me up with anyone, do you understand–”

“Too late,” she says, finishing the text she had sent to Jess in the time it took for Matt to finish his sentence. “You and Jess will be going on a double date with Mike and I on Friday.”

Matt groans. “Emily, I’m not going on that date.”

“Like hell you are. And besides, Jess always double dates with Mike and I. You’re not the first, and you certainly won’t be the last.”

“Why are you even going to set Jess up with me if you know she won’t commit?”

Emily looks at him through her lashes. “At least you might be able to catch a feel. Don’t let her size fool you, she’s still a D cup.”

________________

By the time Friday goes, she only feels herself slip up a little bit when Mike asks her why she decided to set Jess and Matt up.

“I didn’t even know you and Matt talked like that,” Mike tells her, spraying on his cologne that is way too expensive to only smell like axe body spray.

She brushes her hair, only allowing her a moment to come up with a lie that she definitely should have thought of beforehand. “We have homeroom together,” which isn’t a lie. “And Jess hasn’t had a date in a couple weeks, so I volunteered Matt for her.” Also not a lie. Is she counting lying by omission as a real lie? No. What Mike doesn’t know won’t hurt him, as if it matters to him anyway. She’s starting to feel like his mind is wandering to better things.

She slams her hairbrush onto her vanity, attempting to distract Mike from his one moment of thorough thinking. “Let’s just go Mike, I want good seats at the movies.”

He doesn’t ask any more questions, thankfully. His hand is resting on her thigh, and usually, it would send shivers down her spine and warm her insides, but she’s weirdly too nervous to care.

She really hopes that Jess doesn’t break Matt’s heart. She knows Matt isn’t going to want to marry her after the first date, but she knows that he’s in it for a long-term relationship, not just a hookup. He wants something more permanent. Jess can’t give anything more to him than just a good night. She hasn’t had true feelings for a boy, ever.

They get to the movies before Jess and Matt, as Emily predicted. She likes to be punctual, even if the more cool thing is to be fashionably late. But it gives Emily anxiety and the last thing she wants to do is get worked up on a stupid thing like missing the previews.

They’re just about to pick their seats when Jess and Matt cut the line to join them.

“Good. You guys made it on time. Now I don’t have to pay for you,” Mike says, and Jess laughs a little too loudly in Emily’s opinion, but she brushes them off and tells the guy what seats to get.

“Can you split that in half? Thanks.”

The cashier gives out the total and Mike hands him his card, not even paying attention to the price as Jess tells him and Matt a story from her English class yesterday, when a guy’s voice cracked during their popcorn reading of Hamlet. Matt steps up to pay for him and Jess, when he leans closer to her so Mike and Jess can’t hear.

“You can’t possibly expect me to sit in a quiet theater while she talks my ear off the whole time, right?”

She gives him a side glance. “Get over it, Matt. I got you a date, you’re welcome.”

She takes the four tickets from the cashier, and saunters away as the other three follow her. She pretends not to hear Matt whisper to himself that he didn’t even want to go on the date anyway.

They walk to their seats and sit down with Jess and Emily sitting next to each other, and the two boys on the outside of them. They’re watching some dumb scary movie that Emily hates, but Mike is obsessed with and Jess surprisingly loves. She doesn’t know what Matt thinks about horror movies, but he’s a guy and most boys like gore and jump scares, so she assumes that she’s the only one going to be miserable.

Jess whispers to her as the movie goes through its exposition to its first few scares, and she keeps telling her to talk to Matt instead. Mike, for his little pea-sized brain, is too single-tracked and is solely focused on the movie, unable to multitask at all. Emily doesn’t mind though, she prefers her movies to be sat in silence. Although, being friends with Jess, that opportunity comes rarely.

The main protagonist walks through the dark woods, with eerie music playing and the screen so dark she can hardly see a thing on the screen. Emily feels the familiar rush of anxiety spread throughout her body as the character gets lost in the forest, with only the uneasiness that something bad is going to happen to them.

She thinks of Hannah and Beth, lost in that snowstorm with nothing but a thin jacket, scared and helpless trying to find their way back. She doesn’t know what happened to them, if they were killed by that one suspect or simply got lost in the mountains, but whatever it was, they didn’t make it out alive.

The movie blends together with her wild imagination, and suddenly all she can see is Hannah and Beth on the screen, running through the woods as someone chases them, leading them to their doom. She can feel her breath growing rapidly as she can’t tell what’s part of the movie and what’s in her mind.

She needs to get out of here. Before she has a major freak out and Mike looks at her like she’s crazy.

She hastily gets out of her seat, sneaking past Jess and Matt to the aisle, and runs straight for the bathroom. She locks herself in a stall and forces her breathing to calm down as she blinks away images that were never there.

It’s not good for her to think about things like this. Mike is always telling her that Hannah and Beth would want her to be happy, not to wallow about their deaths. If Josh has moved on, then Emily certainly needs to.

She waits until her breathing is back to normal. Then, she heads to the sink, letting her hands run under the cold water before drying them with the paper towel and letting the remaining coldness cool her face. She can’t just splash water on her face like a normal person, no, she has to make everything more complicated for herself. All the water would do is ruin her makeup.

She looks at herself in the mirror and frowns at her tired look. She scolds herself for not bringing her purse, so she could at least touch up her lip gloss and her blush. It doesn’t matter though. It’s just a movie with her boyfriend and best friend. And Matt.

She leaves the bathroom, planning on heading back to the theater when she bumps into Matt. He looks like he was waiting for her. “Matt, what are you doing?”

He shrugs. “You didn’t look so good. I wanted to check up on you.”

“So you’re saying I look ugly,” she scoffs, brushing past him and not even bothering to look behind her.

“I didn’t say that, Em. You always know you look beautiful.”

She tries to ignore the weird ping in her stomach when he tells her that.

“I could see that you were upset. I wanted to check on you.”

“Yeah, well, I’m fine. You’re welcome.”

“Come on, Emily,” he says, tugging on her wrist and pulling her back to face him. “You know you can tell me anything, right? Even the things that make you upset?”

She practically spits in his face. “You’re not my boyfriend, Matt. I’m fine.”

And she yanks her arm away from him, and storms back to the theater. When she walks in, Matt no longer trying to keep up with her, she sees that Jess had taken it upon herself to sit in Emily’s spot, next to Mike. She’s chatting his ear off, which Emily knows would usually annoy him, but to her surprise, he’s smiling and responding to her.

She frowns. Every time she would try to talk to Mike during a movie, like this weird fact about this actor or a behind the scenes detail, he would always shush her and say that he’s trying to pay attention. But here Jess is, probably talking to him about something not important at all, and he doesn’t even care that he’s missing the movie.

Matt steps behind her, looking over her shoulder. “You don’t think that’s weird?” He whispers.

Yes, she thinks. It gives her a bad feeling. But she’s not going to tell him that. “No.”

And she walks back to their seats, Jess whispering one last thing in Mike’s ear before returning to her original spot, and Emily sitting in between them.

“What were you guys talking about?” She whispers to Jess as Matt sits down on the other side of her.

Jess just waves her off. “Oh, you know, just school stuff. Nothing important.”

Emily doesn’t say anything else, but she feels that pit in her stomach drop even more. She doesn’t even pay attention to the rest of the movie. All she can see on screen is Hannah.

They split off after the movie, Matt offering to take Jess somewhere out to eat, while Mike and Emily head back to her place. She spends the night giving Mike what he wants even though it’s the last thing she wants to do, but she doesn’t need to start a stupid argument and put her in an even worse mood. At least this way Mike is distracted and he falls asleep easily, unperturbed to Emily’s horrible mood and her racing thoughts.

The next day, she gets a text from Jess that all they did was make out and that she’s pretty sure that Matt is a virgin. Emily doesn’t respond to her, and she doesn’t ask Matt how it went. Mike leaves her house with not even a kiss goodbye.

___________________

On Tuesday, she and Matt are in the back of the library again, as Emily explains to him how to plug the equations onto his calculator so he can see the graphs. She’s starting to explain what tan would look like on his graph when Matt brings up Friday night.

“I think Jess has a crush on Mike.”

Emily glares at him. “Oh really, genius, what makes you think that?”

“You saw her at the movies when we were both gone. And you don’t even know what she was telling him. Besides, when we went out to eat, all she could tell me was that she thinks that you two might break up soon.”

“Me and Mike are perfectly fine. And we’re definitely not going to break up,” Emily snaps.

“I’m just telling you, Em.”

“Well you're wrong. Because if Jess likes Mike, then everything that we did last year to Hannah was for nothing. And Jess only did it because she was selfish, not because she was being a good friend.”

“It’s possible that she could’ve done it for both reasons.”

“No. There had to be a reason for Hannah and Beth to die. It was bad luck, but it happened because Jess wanted to preserve mine and Mike’s relationship.”

“God, Em, do you even like Mike? I haven’t even heard a real good reason why you’re in love with him.”

“We couldn’t have gone through all of that just for nothing,” Emily says cruelly, packing up her things in her backpack.

“Em, I’m sorry, okay? We don’t need to talk about it–”

“No, Matt. I’m done. I’m done tutoring you,” she says as she walks away from him, leaving him to his trigonometry homework and his genuine kindness.

__________________

She doesn’t tutor him for two weeks. Somehow, he still gets to play in the homecoming game without her help. The next day, she pins a boutonniere to Mike’s suit, and it feels like a trophy. Like she earned something.

She ends up losing homecoming queen to Jess, and she never really cared about superficial things like that before, but Mike did. That’s why he made her run for homecoming queen, and was so confident that the two would be the winners at the end of the night.

She watches Mike and Jess dance together in the center of the gym, and she’s laughing at something he says and she probably genuinely finds it funny. And Emily knows that she lost. She loses Mike in a competition she didn’t know that she was competing in.

A week later, Mike breaks up with her. Jess blocks her number.

Emily doesn’t have to guess what happened.

She tutors Matt the following Tuesday.

__________________

She no longer sits with Mike and Jess and the rest of their school friends during lunch, but she sits in the corner with Sam and Ashley. Josh and Chris are off at college and up until this year, all of them, including Mike, Jess, and Matt, had all sat together with the twins. But not anymore.

A lot of things have changed since then.

Matt sits with his football friends, his table just as loud and rowdy as Mike and Jess’. Emily watches in disgust from afar, as she looks at how obnoxious those two look. Mike is sitting on top of the table, completely ignorant to the rest of the school having to eat lunch there, as Jess stands up, leaning close to him and whispering things in his ear. Her hand rests on his shoulder and Emily nearly squeezes the rest of her milk out of her carton.

“I don’t think they’re dating yet,” Sam whispers in her ear.

Emily scoffs. Like any of that matters.

Her best friend chose her ex-boyfriend, a stupid man that only got class president because he’s so annoyingly likable, over her. She chose a boy over their friendship. And she seems to have no remorse because of it. Emily hopes it was worth it.

It’s Saturday night, and usually, she would be at some dumb party with people she doesn’t know but Mike somehow does, except they’re no longer together so Emily is at home with nothing else to do.

She’s back to being a loser, and chooses to watch Real Housewives while finishing up her homework for next week and getting started on an essay that’s due next month. Her cat, Chanel, curls up next to her on the couch, and Emily wonders if this is going to be the rest of her life, lonely and pitiful.

Her phone buzzes.

Matt: What are you doing right now?

She responds back. Homework.

Matt: Some of the guys wanted to hangout, but they all brought their girlfriends. Wanna come with? I can pick you up.

Why would I want to do that? She types without even looking at the screen, her eyes reading the next question of her assignment and the answer partially-formed in her head.

Matt: You would rather do homework than hangout?

She ignores his text. Her phone buzzes again.

Matt: I know you need a lot of time to get ready. I’ll pick you up in an hour. Send your address.

She stares at the text. Did he seriously ignore her obvious discontent of wanting to hangout? That she has to stay home and wallow in her loneliness, because going out and seeing anyone at school looking at her with pity and questions pouring out of their mouths is the last thing that Emily wants to do. She wants to pretend like Jess didn’t betray her and Mike didn’t break her heart. And she especially can’t let anyone know how much it’s affected her.

She texts him her address.

She practically growls, slamming her textbook shut with the highlighter marking her spot, dropping it on the coffee table and feels satisfied when it makes a loud thud. She throws the blanket off of her and storms all the way upstairs, putting on her contacts and brushing her teeth again.

She stares at her closet. What the hell does someone wear when hanging out with football players? And for God’s sake, what does hanging out entail? Are they watching a movie? Drinking? She needs to know what’s happening, before she picks out her outfits. She cringes in horror at the idea of underdressing while everyone else looks better than her.

Her phone buzzes again.

Matt: We’re watching a movie, but the guys bought a few packs of beer and hard lemonades for the girls.

She frowns at the text. Is she really that predictable?

She decides to put on a pair of leggings with an athletic crop top, and a light blue zip-up hoodie. She puts on a pair of tall socks, planning on wearing her Ugg boots, and sits down at her vanity. She stares at her red eyes that haven’t gone away since Mike dumped her. Her skin is pallor and eye bags puffy. It’s awful, really.

She makes sure to color-correct, and to apply a nice layer of concealer before finishing the rest of her routine. She applies a generous amount of mascara so her eyes look wide and awake, and as she stares at herself in the mirror, she looks a little less depressing.

Another text pops up, and Emily doesn’t need to look at her phone to know that her time is up. She quickly sprays on her Chanel No.5, before grabbing her purse and slipping her Uggs on and heading out the door.

She’s never been in a car with Matt before. She’s never been in the car with any boy other than Mike. No one had shown her interest before then.

She opens the door, making sure that her mask of confidence fills the air and fools Matt into thinking that her heart isn’t racing right now.

“Hey,” she says cooly.

“Hey. Good job, you got ready in time,” Matt says, backing out of her driveway.

She slaps his arm. “Shut up.”

He reaches the end of her neighborhood, glancing at her for a moment before switching on his blinker and turning out of the street. “You look good.”

“I know.”

With Mike, that would make him come up with another compliment to please her, but Matt, all he does is laugh. “You really don’t have any insecurities with your appearance, do you?”

He would be surprised. But no boy wants to hear about that. She sticks her nose up in the air and crosses her arms. “Am I supposed to?”

He shrugs his shoulders. “No. Yes. It’s okay if you do, I was just making a dumb joke.”

They fall into awkward silence, but Emily isn’t as pressured to fill the void as she would with Mike. She felt as if every second of their time had to be filled with something to keep his attention. Because if she wasn’t speaking, or kissing him or, or anything else he wanted then she wasn’t needed. Then he would drop her in a second.

In the end, it didn’t matter what she did to keep him at her side. He was going to leave her anyway.

The radio plays a soft song that Emily doesn’t know the name of but certainly wouldn’t expect Matt to listen to this kind of crap. For a football player, Matt is certainly a sensitive guy.

They pull into the driveway of some jock that Emily doesn’t know the name of, and as they unbuckle and step out of the car Emily finally asks the question that’s been on the forefront of her mind.

“Why did you invite me, anyway?”

Matt shrugs. “Sam told me you’ve been ignoring her. Ashley too, for that matter. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t lonely.”

“I’m not lonely,” she retorts.

“Fine,” he says as they head to the front door. “I knew you would be alone. Better?”

She’s about to say another snarky comment when Matt holds his hand out, stopping her. “Don’t look into it, okay? Maybe I wanted to not be alone either.”

She keeps her comment to herself.

When they walk in, the guys cheer and stand up to slap him on the back that those guys do to seem more macho. Their girlfriends smile at Emily, and a few of them say hi, but Emily knows what they’re thinking. Two weeks ago, she was on top of the food chain standing my Mike’s side and now here she is, with Matt as a pity invite.

“I’m gonna grab us some drinks, okay?” Matt says to her and leaves her alone in the entrance.

She takes off her shoes even though some of the guys still have them on, but she’s Asian, damnit, and she refuses to wear shoes in the house. One of the girls hands her a blanket and a throw pillow, and Emily settles on the floor to lean against the coffee table and places the pillow underneath her butt.

Matt comes back with a beer and a hard lemonade, and Emily lifts up the blanket so he can settle in beside her.

They debate for about fifteen minutes what movie to pick, and if she were with her actual friends then she would be at the forefront of the argument but here, she lets the others do the talking. No one seems to agree on anything so they settle on some Disney Movie that came out when they were just slightly too old to watch when it had originally came out.

She lets the comments and laughs wash over her as she tries to not feel painfully awkward and out of place, but Matt tries to help ease her anxieties.

He points stuff out to her, like the voice actor for the villain and did you know how long it took to animate this scene? It reminds Emily so much of what she used to do, before Mike would tell her to hush up and she eventually got used to not speaking at all.

It’s weird, being on the other side of things. Being the one told the information instead of giving it, and it’s even weirder that she’s not bothered by it. And she wonders why it annoyed Mike so much.

As the movie goes on, Emily’s back grows more sore from the lack of proper back support, and she finds herself leaning against Matt to help her stay upright.

If it were Mike, he would’ve wrapped her arm around her and tried to cop a feel. Matt stays respectful, keeping his hands in his lap and adjusting himself to make her more comfortable.

Maybe she should stop comparing Matt to Mike. All she can see now is how little Mike measures up in comparison. It’s dangerous to have those types of thoughts.

The movie ends and everyone bids goodnight, and for the first time in a while, Emily wasn’t completely miserable. It was a nice change from what she’s been used to for a while. And even though she doubts that she’ll ever become best friends with these people, they didn’t make for bad company. Besides, she needs to be weary of who she’s friends with. All they’ll do is betray her later on.

The car ride is silent again, until Matt pulls into her driveway. “So? Did you have a good time?”

Emily unbuckles her seatbelt, and decides to answer honestly. “Yeah, I think I did?”

“You think you did?” He asks, his voice sounding amused.

“It wasn’t a bad as I thought it was going to be.”

“Well I’m glad that I didn’t completely ruin Emily Davis’ night.”

She closes the door. “Goodnight, Matt.”

“Goodnight Emily.”

_________________

She’s not sure how it happens, but all of a sudden, her and Matt begin texting all the time. It started with him telling her that he made it home okay, even though she never told him to text her when he got back safe. It seems to her that he doesn’t really care about that, though.

Their texts are slow at first, with him sending
her homework questions from his other classes, or asking what she’s watching at the moment. It turns into her telling him that if he asks her to help him with his homework one more time outside of tutoring hours, she’s going to block his number, so then he sends her a picture of his dog.

They texts come more frequently, from her sending him screenshots of which bag she should get to him sending mirror pictures when he’s at the gym, to them watching a show at the same time and texting each other their commentary.

And she’s not sure when it happened, but it doesn’t bother her as much as she thought it would.

The following Tuesday, she’s not tutoring him this time, but instead they decided to skip their study session to get frozen yogurt instead, because Emily doesn’t eat ice cream. She raises a brow specifically at him when he gets exactly one of each topping, including the sprinkles.

When he gets to the cheesecake pieces and cookie dough bites, he finally notices her staring. “What? You have to get every topping.”

She scoops into the strawberry boba and places it on the side of her dole whip fro-yo. “Not if you don’t like peanut butter or chocolate.”

Matt freezes and turns to her. “You don’t like chocolate or peanut butter?”

She scoops some mochi into her bowl. “I just said that, didn’t I?”

“I had to make sure if I was hearing you correctly, because what you just said was so preposterous. What do you mean you don’t like peanut butter or chocolate?”

“It’s too sweet,” she shrugs, walking over to the register and placing the cup on the weigh station.

“What? What does that even mean?”

She rolls her eyes. “It means, Matthew, that I don’t want cavities and super sweet things make my stomach hurt. I also hate frosting.”

She almost laughs at his nearly disgusted expression on his face. Almost.

She reaches for her card when Matt knocks her hand out of the way and puts his cup on the weigh station too. She makes a sound of protest but he doesn’t even glance at her when the cashier gives out the total and he swipes his card. Matt shakes his head when the cashier asks him if he wants his receipt, and the two sit down at one of the two person tables.

“I can pay for my own stuff, you know,” she says, only getting a small spoonful on her fro-yo.

Matt shoves a heaping spoonful, with a bunch of toppings she doesn’t have the energy to name, into his mouth. He shrugs, and gives her a half smile with his mouth still full that would disgust Emily if it was any other person, but Matt makes it kind of charming.

Matt has that charming smile to him, Emily has begun to notice. It’s earnest and innocent, while on Mike it would look sleazy and suggestive. Matt is the kind of guy you bring home to your parents, the kind that would make grandma’s swoon and teachers laugh, the kind that would be the perfect date to prom.

Emily kind of hates him for it.

“Don’t–”

“Look into it, I know,” Emily says, rolling her eyes at him and scooping another spoonful of her fro-yo.

__________________

Two days later, they decide to make up for their laziness on Tuesday, but Emily is starting to feel like it’s more than just tutoring. Matt doesn’t even have a test for another two weeks. But they’re in the back of the library, Matt’s homework on the table, even though they haven’t looked at it for even a second.

“How have you never watched Legally Blonde?”

Matt gives her a look. “I’m a boy, why would I watch Legally Blonde?”

“Josh has watched it.”

“Josh had two sisters a year younger than him. My little sister is only eight, she hasn’t reached that stage yet.”

Emily huffs dramatically. “You need to watch it.”

“Well I’m not gonna watch it unless you force me. If you’re going to make me watch it alone then I’m never going to.”

Emily takes the bait. And she doesn’t look that much into it, as Matt seems to always say. “Okay, what are you doing Friday?”

Matt lets out a small laugh. “Football game. Like every Friday since school has started.”

Emily frowns. “That thing is still going on?”

“We made it to the playoffs.”

“Oh. Good job.”

“Well,” Matt says, clearing his throat. “How about this. It’s a home game tomorrow, so why don’t you come and then after the game we can go to my house and watch Legally Blonde?”

The idea of going to a football game since Mike dumped her makes her nervous. Jess is on the cheerleading team. And she’s conveniently avoided Emily at every turn, seemingly disappeared from the school other than lunch, which they share. But Emily doesn’t want to see Jess look all happy and then see Mike has her little trophy husband, running the student section.

“I don’t know…”

“Sam and Ashley told me they were going. And Chris is visiting his mom this weekend, so he said he’s gonna swing by too.”

At her hesitant look, he continues. “They won’t sit in the student section, you know Chris hates that kind of thing. They’ll be far away from certain people.”

He doesn’t have to say who Emily is avoiding. He knows it, and she knows it. She’s a coward.

But still, Matt asked so nicely, and saying no to Matt is like saying no to a puppy. It’s just mean. “Fine, I’ll go.”

__________________

She doesn’t know how he was able to convince her so easily. Emily isn’t used to being so easily swayed. But here she is, on a Friday night for the first time in nearly a month, that Emily is at a football game. At the very top row of the stands and far away from the student section, obviously.

Something happens on the field that Emily thinks is a good thing, because everyone in the crowd, including Sam, stands up and screams obnoxiously.

“What happened?” Emily asks, wincing at Sam’s volume as she sits back down.
Sam laughs at her. “A touchdown, Emily. Matt just received the ball in the endzone.”

“Oh, good.”

Chris slaps her on the arm. “It’s more than just good, Davis. Speaking of Matt…”

Emily glares at him. “What about him?”

“A little birdie told me that you two were getting kind of close.”

“What birdie?”

Chris looks past her and Sam, to Ashley, who’s on the end. Emily makes a face at her.

“What?” Ashley asks innocently. “You guys text like all the time. And I know you’ve been studying with him since last year.”

“Ashley, you’re not supposed to say anything!”

“I didn’t know that it was private information.”

Chris and Sam laugh at Emily’s expense, Chris wiping away a few tears for good measure.

“It’s okay Em, it’s good to move on,” Sam tells her in that self-righteous voice she always has.

“I’m not moving onto anything. Nothing is moving.”

“You know you haven’t mentioned Mike or Jess in weeks, right? I mean, do you even care now?”

Emily’s almost insulted. Of course she cares; she lost two best friends. Even though she never felt like she could be worthy of Mike’s standards, they still saw each other nearly every day, texted each other all the time. And Jess has been her best friend for years. She was the closest to Jess in the whole group, maybe other than Hannah back in freshman year.

There’s a hole missing where they were. And they just decided to betray her and leave her behind without a care in the world. Of course she cares. She just doesn’t want anyone to know that she does.

Emily doesn’t dignify Sam’s question with a response. It didn’t matter though, something bad happened that caused Chris and Sam to stand up and boo at the ref, and their conversation was all forgotten about.

She still doesn’t miss the looks they give her when she tells them that she’s going to ride home with Matt instead of with Sam. And she tries not to make it too obvious that she’s trying to hide from Mike and Jess and wait by Matt’s car instead.

She waits nearly half an hour, because they always have that stupid post game talk, and when Matt meets her at the car he looks sweaty and gross.

“I’m going to need to take a shower first, and then we can watch. Is that fine?”

Emily gets in the car and her nostrils flare at the sweaty musk permeating the air. “Yes, please.”

It’s the first time she’s ever going to his house, she realizes. She’s been friends with Matt since what, freshman year? And she’s never been to his house. It’s on the opposite side of town, she notices.

Emily knows she’s privileged. Her parents are both surgeons, and yes, they’re never home, but they gave Emily a life that other kids would die for. She lives in a big house with a huge backyard and a swimming pool, and her closet is filled to the brim with clothes and designer shoes. Sure, Emily is always alone at home. But at least her parents are reassured that she’s going to bed with a full stomach.

The houses are considerably smaller than hers, and she thinks they might even be mobile homes. Matt doesn’t seem unashamed when he pulls into his driveway, and when he opens the door he yells out in greeting, to his sister on the couch and his mother in the kitchen.

“Mom, we’re home!”

She turns around, still stirring whatever is in the pot. “I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to the game, you know how work is.”

Matt just waves her off, and gives her a kiss on the cheek. Matt’s sister is staring at Emily and she’s feeling noticeably uncomfortable at the moment.

Matt looks over, and signals to his mom. “Mom, this is Emily.”

She waves awkwardly. “Hi.”

His mom doesn’t seem to mind how out of place Emily feels at the moment. “Hey, sweetie. Nice to meet you. You hungry?”

Emily’s about to shake her head and say no, when Matt looks at her with wide eyes and subtly shakes his head. “Uh, yeah, I am. Sure.”

He gives her a thumbs up, and walks back over to the living room, taking only two steps moving in between rooms. “Emily, this is my sister, Addy.”

“Nice to meet you, Addy,” Emily says.

The girl blushes. “You look pretty.”

Emily’s never been good with kids. She hasn’t ever really had to interact with them. “Thank you.”

Matt walks back up to her, stepping behind her and helping her with her coat. “Sorry about that. You can take your shoes off too. Make yourself at home. I’m just going to take a shower, I’ll be done super quick.”

She was going to make a comment about not being so fast that he doesn’t clean himself properly, but she wonders if his mom might think it’s weird. So she doesn’t say anything.

Fifteen minutes come and go while Matt’s mom and sister alternate asking her questions, to which she tries to give her best answer that doesn’t make her look bad. She’s not sure why she cares so much.

Matt comes back from the shower with his hair wet in a tight fitting t-shirt and nice sweatpants that Emily takes a peek of when they go to sit down to eat. They pray first, which Emily does not do, but she closes her eyes and hopes that it looks convincing.

They eat, and his mom asks Emily more questions. What her parents do, where she wants to go to college, what she’s thinking of majoring in. When Emily had met Mike’s parents for the first time she almost made herself sick with anxiety, and nearly excused herself from the table to go throw up in the bathroom. But there's something about Matt’s mom that makes her feel comfortable, that doesn’t fill her with worry. Instead, it fills herself up with something warmer, something comforting that Emily hasn’t felt in a long time. Addy asks Emily more questions and Matt’s mom tells an embarrassing story of Matt when he was playing little league football, and Emily genuinely laughs.

When they’re done eating, Emily helps clean up, and she and Matt end up on the couch when they’re done, setting the movie up. She ignores the thoughts that tell her how domestic it all feels, how this is the most comfortable Emily has felt in a long time.

They share a blanket, with Matt laying on the arm rest and Emily more towards the center of the couch. His arm is up against the back of the couch but Emily can sense that it’s merely there to rest his arm, not to make a cheesy pass that other guys would probably do.

Emily’s excited to watch the movie, explaining to him that the bend and snap was improv and that Elle’s ex-boyfriend is also in the Vampire Diaries. But halfway through the movie, she can feel her eyes drooping, and she’s yawning more frequently. It’s been a while since she’s had such a jam packed day.

Someone shakes her shoulder. She blinks wearily, and it’s Matt, looking apologetic to wake her up but she knows it’s necessary. The end credits are playing on the screen.

“I gotta get you home, alright?”

She nods, too tired to speak, as Matt grabs her shoes and her jacket and brings it over to the couch. He practically leads her out the door, and drives nearly thirty minutes to get her home.

When he pulls into her driveway, she looks at her mansion. It’s big and beautiful, but it’s empty. It’s lonely.

She remembers that one time when Matt told her that she seemed lonely. She wonders if she is.

She gets out of the car, but before fully closing the door, she tells Matt, “text me when you get home.”

She shuts the door and walks to her house without looking back. Matt doesn’t pull out of the driveway until she steps inside the house. Emily doesn’t look into it that much.

___________________

They hangout after school a lot more after that, either at Emily’s or Matt’s, it doesn’t really matter anymore. They no longer study in the library, but at one of their houses after Matt has football practice, and they stay around way longer even after Matt finishes up all his work. They alternate between movies the other person hasn’t seen, and Emily wonders how she sees Matt more than she does with Sam or Ashley. They’re watching the Tobey Maguire Spider-Man movies, that Matt insists Emily watch before she watches the Andrew Garfield ones, when he says the one thing she doesn’t want him to say.

They watch the iconic kiss, the one where Tobey is hanging upside down from his webs and Mary Jane pulls down his mask only just enough to uncover his mouth. It’s raining, and she kisses him even though she doesn’t truly know who he is, and then she rolls the mask back up.

“That was so romantic,” Emily swoons.

“You know, when they were filming this scene Tobey got water in his nose and it was like one of the most uncomfortable kisses he’s ever done in his career,” Matt informs her.

“Way to ruin it.”

“I didn’t mean to!”

“I would love to do that one day. You know, something romantic like that.”

“You and Mike never did romantic things?”

It’s the first time Matt has mentioned Mike without an underlying insult. He’s simply asking about their relationship, like it’s a thing of the past Emily can look back at with fond memories and veiled nostalgia. The mention of Mike’s name doesn’t sting her heart as much as it used to.

“No, not really. I just assumed that Mike wasn’t really the romantic type. I guess I didn’t care that much.”

“Every girl cares about romance,” Matt says. “I know you’re the type of girl to want a bouquet of flowers for no apparent reason.”

She is, but she doesn’t want to inflate his ego. “I guess.”

He chuckles to himself like he knows that she’s lying on purpose. She hates that he can see right through her.

“Well what about you?” Emily asks, wanting to divert the attention away from her. “Do you want romance?”

“Oh course I do,” Matt answers easily. “I want the whole thing. Love confession, a passionate kiss, sex after, preferably.”

“Gross,” she says to his last request, hitting him on the shoulder. Matt laughs it off, and she knows he only said it to get a reaction out of him.

They fall into a comfortable silence, with the sounds of Tobey through New York running through the background. Emily hasn’t looked away from him, looking at how the light from the tv shines on his face and brightens up his eyes. Matt’s face relaxes from his usual lighthearted expression into something more serious, and Emily’s breath hitches as Matt leans in closer and—

Emily’s phone rings.

She practically springs apart from him, jumping across to the other side of the couch where her phone was charging on the side table. Ashley’s calling her, for some reason.

Ashley’s car ended up getting a flat tire and she needed someone to pick her up, so Matt and Emily put their shoes on and head out the door, leaving whatever was going to happen back in the living room with Tobey Maguire.

___________________

“Hey, Em?”

She looks over at him. He looks nervous, and that makes Emily nervous. Because even though Mike has been her only relationship, she’s very good at reading boy’s social cues. And she knows that what Matt’s going to say isn’t going to be something that she likes.

“I like you, Em. I’ve liked you before Mike ever noticed you. I’ve liked you for years now, ever since you wore your hair in a braid and had those thick glasses. And I just feel like, these past few weeks you might feel the same.”

Her heart drops. She wishes she could like Matt, she really does. But she doesn’t think that she’s healed yet from Mike, that what he and Jess did to her is something that she can just get over with.

She thinks she could like Matt. But she could is not the same thing as she does.

She can’t give what Matt needs. He needs someone that is kind and courageous, someone that is much less vindictive than Emily. Someone that is secure with themselves and their place in the world, someone that’s not scared and anxious of the future.

She took too long answering. She can tell, because Matt’s hopeful expression crumbles and he slowly looks more stoic.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “I think you’re an amazing guy, I really do.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

There’s a million problems. A million problems with her, and nothing to do with Matt. Because Matt would be the perfect boyfriend, she’s known that for months. She’s known that Matt would be a much better boyfriend than Mike ever was. But Emily doesn’t deserve someone like Matt. She doesn’t deserve his kindness, nor his compassion. That should be reserved for someone better, someone that could open up to him without fear. Emily’s not sure if she’s ever let anyone in before.

But Emily’s a coward. She always has been. She can’t voice these thoughts aloud, these insecurities and her fears. So she takes the easy way out. “I still have feelings for Mike.”

Matt scoffs, and stands up.

“Matt…”

“No, don’t ‘Matt’ me.”

“Look–”

“No, Em. Come on, you know better than that. You know that Mike is too good for you. You know that what he did was a shitty thing, and he doesn’t deserve your time.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Em, I have wanted you for years now. And I know that you don’t owe me anything, and that I don’t have any claim on you, but I know you like me too. I know you feel something for me.”

Emily’s a coward. She always has been. “I’m sorry, but I don’t. I was just using you to get over Mike.”

Matt runs a hand over his face. “Okay.”

“Okay, what?”

He sighs. “I think I need space from you. Just for a while.”

“What about trig?”

“This hasn’t been about math in a long time, Em. I’ll be fine.”

“Okay.”

He grabs his letterman jacket and puts his shoes on, and just like that, he’s gone.

____________________

Emily is convinced that the past month and a half had all been made up in her mind.

Matt disappears from her life the same way that Mike and Jess did; quick without any guilt, just up and out of her life as easy as breathing.

The hole in her heart that she didn’t even realize was beginning to heal begins to crack and splinter at the loss of Matt. He doesn’t text her anymore so she blocked his number, he doesn’t go to the library after school on Tuesdays anymore so she fills her time with shopping and getting manicures, and he doesn’t stop by her house at all so she’s back to watching Real Housewives.

It’s a lonely life that Emily has, but she realizes now that she’s been lonely for a long time. She just didn’t realize what it was like for her life to be filled with meaning, with a purpose, with a reason to actually be happy. But she finally got a taste of a life worth living, and now it’s taken from her. And Emily is left all alone once again.

At lunch, she watches Matt from the other side of the cafeteria, laughing with his football friends and the cheer team. Her heart wrenches when she sees a sophomore flirting with him and he actually flirts with her back.

She didn’t know that Matt had been in love with her all of these years, especially at the beginning of high school. She was ugly, and obnoxious, and way too smart for everyone else in the room.

It wasn’t until the summer before junior year that Emily decided she was tired of being the smart one. She was tired of being Jess’ ugly friend or constantly bothered asking help on homework answers, so Emily ditched her glasses and started using her dad’s credit card to buy designer clothes instead of book collections.

Matt back then, was a scrawny boy who hadn’t quite filled in yet, but still made it on the varsity football team as a freshman. They barely even talked before they ended up in the same friend group sophomore year. They had a class together in ninth grade, honors history, that they shared with Hannah and Sam.

Matt had sat right behind her, and he would drum his pencil on the desk. It annoyed the crap out of her, but she was still Loser Emily, and was way too scared to ever talk to someone on the football team.

He had liked her then? It seemed almost impossible. It was hard to believe that anyone had paid attention to her then.

She goes to his semifinals championship. It’s early November, and cold as hell outside, but she still goes. It’s just a home game. And she knows that it’s important to Matt.

She doesn’t tell Sam or Ashley that she’s going. She most certainly doesn’t sit in the student section, where Mike is leading or in a spot where Jess can see her from the track.

She wears a thick sweater and a puffy vest with leggings and her boots, and sits at the very top row under the press box with a hot chocolate in her hands. She’s sitting next to the parents of a player and two children, ringing their cowbells and spilling popcorn on the ground.

It’s obnoxious, and Emily mentally scoffs at them for their less than polite behavior, when the mom meets her gaze.

“Who are you here to see?” the mother asks.

She seems kind, like those moms that bake their kids cookies on Sundays and still packs their lunch in high school. It’s incredibly dehumanizing, and her kids will probably be helpless in college when they have to do their laundry for the first time, but Emily secretly craves that kind of love. She’s jealous of people that get to have parents care for them in that way.

“Oh, I’m, uh–” she stutters. But the mom is looking at her so genuine, like she really cares to know why Emily is here, and Emily doesn’t have the heart in her to lie. “I’m here for Matt. Matt Taylor. But he doesn’t know that I’m here.”

The mom gives her a look, one that tells Emily that she can see right through her. “He’s a cutie.”

Emily laughs, a genuine one, and she hopes she doesn’t sound like a shrieking banshee as she does it. “Yeah, he is.”

“You should tell him that you’re here. It’s about time he has a girl that comes to the games to watch him.”

Matt receives the ball on the endzone, and the whole crowd springs to their feet and cheers him on. They end up winning the semifinals. And that mom’s words are still ringing in her ear.

The game ends, and Emily goes home, avoiding Sam and Ashley, avoiding Mike and Jess, and certainly avoiding Matt. She’s back in her living room, all alone once again. Her knee jerks up and down as she sits on the couch, fidgeting with her hands as she stares at her phone. She should just call him, for God’s sake. She doesn’t know what she has to be afraid of. As if Matt Taylor could ever intimidate her.

But Emily has always been a coward. And she stares at the phone as time passes by. There’s probably a party at someone’s house that Emily definitely isn’t invited to. Mike and Jess will probably be there and Matt at the end of the day, gets along with everyone. He’ll probably spend the night talking to them and they can all bond over how much Emily sucks.

Or maybe he’ll talk to that sophomore that was flirting with him at lunch, and Emily will be a funny memory of when he had a crush on the school’s biggest bitch.

Fuck it.

She snatches her phone off the table and goes to her blocked list, unblocking Matt for only this moment. She calls him.

She lets the phone ring and ring, until it goes to his voicemail.

She blocks his number again.

She throws her phone back on the table, heats up some leftover chinese food, and watches the next episode of Real Housewives with Chanel curled up at her feet. Before she goes to sleep, she looks over at Instagram.

Matt posted a picture of him at the party, in between Mike and Jess.

Emily hates it when she’s right.

_____________________

She gets an email from Josh, who she hadn’t talked to since last year, when Hannah and Beth disappeared. He wants a reunion, with everyone that was at the Ski Lodge last winter break.

The last thing she needs is to be trapped in a cabin with Josh, who she inadvertently got his sisters killed, Mike, who she clearly wants to avoid, and Jess, who she might bitch slap if she ends up in the same vicinity as, and Matt.

She seriously cannot see Matt again.

He couldn’t call her back if he wanted to, his phone number has been blocked again. But he doesn’t go up to her at school, asking why she called, or even ask Sam and Ashley to see if Emily needed him for something.

He doesn’t wonder why Emily called him. And that bothers her more than she thought it did.

Emily wants to say no, she really does. But Sam had texted her saying that the least she could do is go make Josh happy, even if it’s just for a weekend. Ashley said that they could share a room together even though she has a crush on Chris, and Emily really does feel guilty for what happened to Beth and Hannah.

So she tells Josh yes, even though everything in her gut says no.

_______________________

It’s a Tuesday night, and Emily is at home doing absolutely nothing, and all she can think about is the fact that she used to spend every Tuesday with Matt. After Mike broke up with her, they would study for a few hours before heading over to one of each other’s houses, and it had become so vital to her routine that she didn’t realize how empty she felt without it.

She gives herself a second to think about it when she grabs her phone, unblocks Matt’s number, and sends him a text. I’m coming over.

She puts on her shoes, grabs her purse, and flies out the door. She’s already backing out of her driveway when her phone rings. Matt’s calling her.

She swipes to answer. “What?”

“What do you mean you’re coming over?”

“I mean that I’m pulling out of my neighborhood and I’m driving to your house, duh.”

She forgot how much she missed his voice. She almost squealed in excitement when Matt finally called her back, and finally spoke to her. It had only been two weeks, and yet, Emily feels as though it’s been a lifetime.

“Wait–”

“Are you home?”

“...Yes.”

“Good. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes,” is all she says, and she hangs up on him.

She goes over the speed limit by fifteen the whole way there, and she’s relieved that she didn’t get pulled over at all. When she reaches his neighborhood her heart drums in excitement, rather than anxiousness, and Emily knows that this is right, that Matt is right for her.

She barely puts her car in park when she pulls in his driveway and gets out of the car.

Matt’s waiting for her, sitting at the last step of the stairs that lead to his front door, his elbows resting on his knees and his head down.

“Matt.”

His head jerks up, his face obviously filled with a thousand questions that she’s going to refuse to let him answer. “Em, what are you doing here?”

“I lied. When I said that I didn’t have feelings for you, I lied. And I lied when I said that I was using you to get back at Mike, because the truth is, I haven’t thought about Mike in weeks. And I know I probably shouldn’t jump into a relationship so soon, but you have had this grip on me for so long, even longer than I think the both of us know, and I don’t even care. Because I like you, I really do, and I think you're sweet, and caring, and I want us to be more than friends.”

Her chest is heaving up and down as she finishes up her embarrassingly long and vulnerable speech. She didn’t mean for it to sound as desperate as it did.

Matt’s staring at her, and Emily is quickly losing the confidence that she had gathered before coming here.

“I mean, if you don’t like me anymore than that’s fine too.”

And Matt laughs at her. He laughs at her! Like this is some sick joke, that it’s so funny that Emily can have these thoughts and feelings and why don’t we all just deny Emily love and compassion for the sake of humor?

His laughs die down into soft chuckles as he rubs his hands on his thighs before standing up, only a few inches away from her face. He reaches out, slightly unsure, and Emily nods her head to let him know that he can touch her. He grabs ahold of her hands, rubbing his thumbs on the backside.

And he smiles at her.

“Emily Davis, you have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for you to say that.”

“Okay?”

He laughs at her again, a deep, guttural laugh, that causes him to throw his head back. “You are impossibly stubborn, and single minded. And sure, you’re not the easiest to get along with–”

“I’m not sure how this is supposed to be a love confession.”

“-- But I don’t care about any of that, because I’ve loved you for years now.”

She looks at him with wide eyes, her heart beating out of her chest. She has this odd feeling rush through her body, something akin to adoration that she’s never felt before. “Do you mean that?”

He licks his lips, and grabs her face with his hands, pulling her towards him. Their lips touch, and something opens Emily up, revealing everything that is to her and willing to show Matt every thought, feeling, and insecurity that has ever come across her mind. His hands run down from her face to her beck, to her arms, to her waist, and Emily has never been addicted to anything like this.

It’s captivating and she wants to drown herself with it. Her hands go up his chest, trying to feel the hard planes of his body through his shirt, and move to his strong arms, feeling the stability and self-assuredness he carries.

He is everything that Mike is not. And he’s better in every single way.

Matt pulls away from her, but only slightly, because they’re foreheads are still touching and she can feel his breath on her lips.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted you, Em. No idea.”

She thinks she does. Because she’s wanted Matt for a long time too. It just took her a little longer than they thought.