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Pomni’s stomach hurt.
...Actually, did she even have a stomach anymore? She had to have one, or at least the digital equivalent of one. After all, she’d puked on more than one occasion here already, disgusting sticky black gunk like tar that coated her insides . And she could still eat, even if the food wasn’t exactly real and was ultimately useless as it provided no nutritional value since they no longer needed it anyway...but that food still had to be going somewhere, right? Maybe there was just a big, gaping black void where her stomach had once been that sucked in every pixelated bite she consumed. The mechanics of her own body still confused her, the functions and sensations it retained that were still disarmingly human in her bizarre new life and the ones that were...well, decidedly un- human. At this point, she didn’t know which ones disturbed her more, the familiar or the unfamiliar.
But that really didn’t matter. The space where her stomach was supposed to be still hurt, tangled in such a massive stress-induced knot that it completely stripped away her appetite, the meal in front of her rendered entirely inedible. That wasn’t a good sign, either, when it was her favorite meal...well...what approximated to be her favorite meal here, anyway. On her plate was a thick slab of salmon that was just a tad too unnaturally pink for her liking, garnished with a small yellow circle and some green flecks that she assumed were a lemon slice and dill, with a poorly-rendered salad and what she thought was a baked potato on the side. Unappealing as it looked, it still tasted decent, and she would’ve still eaten it. But the one bite she’d forced down so far had sunk like a rock in her...she was just going to say stomach for ease of convenience...and the idea of eating more made her nauseous, so she just poked absently at her food as she tried to make conversation with the rest of the table and act like she felt fine.
This had been going on for...what, two weeks now? She’d lost track by this point. Every night they’d return to the circus tent after the typically harrowing daily adventure, and they’d sit down to a dinner that Bubble had cooked for them. And every single night without fail now Pomni would feel her gut start to cramp at the very thought of food, a clammy sweat breaking out across her skin as the mounting anxiety of the day slammed into her full-force with no other distractions now to keep it at bay.
She was no stranger to anxiety-induced stomachaches at this point in her life. She’d struggled with that particular symptom since she was very young, before she even had a name for the condition that dictated her nearly every waking thought, so it had just been brushed off as “tummy troubles” and left at that for the longest time. She’d spent years learning how to control her anxiety once she’d finally gotten diagnosed, through medication and therapy and just about everything else she could try, until she had finally reached a point where she was managing it well enough that she felt mostly normal.
But now, here, where she had no access to any of her old treatments...it was like starting from the ground up, and it was frustrating. Her stomachaches were becoming a consistent problem again, among other distressing things. And there was little else she could do but just try to ride it all out.
So…she stopped eating, for the most part. What did it matter, anyway? She didn’t need food to survive; she never got hungry and she never felt full anymore, no matter what she did or didn't eat. The food was palatable enough, but it was all just varied compilations of pixels that vaguely mimicked the flavors she had once known, an entirely simulated experience meant to make them feel a little more human in their color-soaked cartoon existence. It had always made her feel a little weird, anyway, to ingest something she knew wasn’t actually food, so it wasn’t like she was missing out on much.
Then again, everything was weird here. Because nothing here was truly real. The knot in her belly tightened a little more just thinking about it, so she tried to push the thought from her mind…but not very successfully.
Pomni stabbed her fork through a cherry tomato in her salad–she thought it was a cherry tomato, at least, although it just looked like a little red ball to her–but she didn’t bring it to her lips. She tried to focus as Gangle told her about some manga series she’d never heard about before, because she was interested, but her brain crackled with static that made her thoughts fuzzy and just out of her reach, making it hard to actually process what she was hearing. She was responding more or less on autopilot, nodding and making little sounds of acknowledgement where appropriate, and she felt guilty that her own buzzing thoughts were drowning out everything else. It was a little exhausting, expending so much energy in both battling back the aggressive humming within her own mind and forcing herself to listen but not understanding what she was listening to. Not to mention the persistent ache in her stomach that kept distracting her, all she wanted to do was lie down…
“Hey, Pomni?”
“...Huh?” Pomni blinked, startled, realizing with a rush of mortification that she’d entirely spaced out. She snapped her attention back to Gangle, who watched her expectantly. “I’m sorry…what did you say?”
“Well, it just…it seemed like you were sort of zoning out for a minute? I asked you something twice and you didn’t really respond, I just wondered if you wanted to borrow my books so you could read it too...” Gangle frowned slightly, the absence of her comedy mask allowing her concern to show through prominently. “Are you feeling okay? You’ve been pretty quiet tonight.”
“Oh, god, I’m sorry…I’m so sorry, Gangle, I didn’t mean to blank out like that,” Pomni rattled off an apology, embarrassment flushing her cheeks to a probably comical shade of pink. Curse this silly jester body. “I’m just…a little tired. Today’s adventure must’ve taken more out of me than I thought.”
And it was true, the events of the day had worn her out both physically and mentally, leaving her body battered and her nerves frayed beyond repair. Only Caine would dream up a fantasy obstacle course...suspended in the sky…that the contestants would have to beat by rolling toward the goal in big plastic bubbles like they were trapped hamsters...actually, that concept sounded oddly familiar to a video game she used to play. At any rate, it hadn’t exactly been the fun time Caine had promised it would be, especially once Jax decided that Pomni would be his personal target for the day and kept ramming his bubble against hers to knock her off the course. Needless to say, by the time she finally crossed the finish line in last place, she was sore and frustrated and had fallen off the edge of the course more times than she could count. And in light of that, Jax’s gloating about coming in first place had grated on her already raw nerves more deeply than it should have on the way back to the tent.
“Oh, well...I guess that makes sense, it was pretty hard. I kept slipping on banana peels and skidding all over the place. I’m not really sure what the banana peels had to do with anything…?” Gangle shook her head, then returned her worried gaze on Pomni. “Are you sure you’re okay, though? I know Jax sort of kept picking on you, that’s enough to ruin my day entirely sometimes.”
“Aw, that was nothing. Jax is an immature pest, but I can take him.” Pomni worked up the most convincing smile she could muster, which didn’t quite stretch across her whole mouth. “I really am just tired. I actually might just go to bed right now, if that’s okay. But maybe you can tell me more about that manga tomorrow? I’m really sorry for spacing like that.”
“Oh...um, yeah, sure.” Gangle regarded Pomni curiously, as if sensing something wasn’t quite right but not knowing how to ask—and Pomni hoped she wouldn’t, because she really wasn’t in the mood to get into her crumbling mental state right then. “And it’s okay, it happens. But are you sure you feel alright…?”
“Yep! I’m fine,” Pomni chirped, a little too brightly, as she pushed back her chair and stood up. Her head was beginning to throb and her chest felt too tight, the guilt of lying gnawing away at her. “I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”
Pomni had only managed to take one step away from the table when another voice called to her.
“Oh! Are you going to your room already, Pomni?” Ragatha asked, glancing down at Pomni’s almost-untouched plate before fixing her gaze on Pomni again, a question in her non-button eye. “It’s still pretty early, the rest of us were thinking about watching a movie tonight. Don’t you want to join us?”
“Nah, not tonight, sorry…I’m pretty beat.” Pomni faked a yawn for emphasis, realizing a beat too late that she was maybe overdoing it when they didn’t physically need sleep here. “I’ll, uh…catch up with you guys later, though.”
“Well, okay…” Ragatha watched Pomni closely for a second, her expression unreadable, but then she offered a small smile as she replied, “If you change your mind, you know where to find us. And if not, we’ll see you tomorrow. Good night, Pomni.”
“Thanks…night.” Pomni smiled back weakly, waving limply as she backed away from the table. No one else commented on her departure, so she quietly stepped out of the room and into the hall that led to their bedrooms.
Pomni was grateful to finally reach the silent sanctuary of her room, and immediately collapsed onto her bed the second she’d closed the door behind her, sinking into the plush comforter as she gazed up at the velvet curtain suspended above her bed.
Now that she was by herself without any distractions, she was a little too tuned in to every little sensation within her own body. The knot in her stomach had loosened ever so slightly, now that she was no longer burdened with the expectation of eating and engaging in conversation that she was too mentally drained to comprehend, but it still hurt enough to be uncomfortable. Her head pounded, a dull ache pulsating at her temples. A flurry of rampant thoughts swirled through her brain, all of them clamoring for her attention and immediately overwhelming her the second she tried to focus on any one particular thing–so she simply didn’t. What did it matter, anyway? They were the same thoughts that swarmed her mind every single night since she’d gotten here, and would probably continue to plague her every night seemingly for eternity. She knew there were… things she should be trying to process, but she decided it could wait until tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that.
Day after day after day. Forever and ever, unless I lose my mind here first. And isn’t that a pleasant sentiment?
And with that the knot in her stomach re-tied itself, a sharp pain twisting her gut that made her grimace to herself.
Groaning quietly, she crawled under her blanket and curled up in a tight ball on her side, squeezing her eyes shut against the rest of the world as she tried to force herself quickly into sleep mode.
But she knew that rest, any true respite from what haunted her waking mind, was a long, long way off.
—————
Unbeknownst to Pomni, the other circus members did take note of her absence, and a hushed conversation unfolded between them as soon as she had left the room.
“She didn’t eat again tonight,” Gangle observed, a pensive frown settled on her porcelain face.
“I know, I noticed that too...I’m really starting to worry about her.” Ragatha sighed heavily.
“Well, it’s not like we actually need to eat,” Zooble pointed out. “Maybe she just doesn’t like the food here? I thought it was pretty off-putting at first too. It’s sort of like eating the carbonated water version of something you used to like, it only sort of tastes like what it’s supposed to.”
“I get what you’re saying,” Ragatha replied, shaking her head, “but I don’t think that’s it. She’s had enough time to get used to the food here, and she’s eaten it plenty of times too, so I don’t think it’s necessarily a matter of not enjoying it. Her starving herself has been a recent thing.”
“Don’t ya think it’s a little dramatic to word it that way?” Jax asked, spearing his fork through the salmon left behind on Pomni’s plate and plopping it onto his own. “It’s not like she’s capable of actually starving here, we all know that. Besides, what she doesn’t eat is more food for us, right?”
Ragatha shot Jax an unamused glare. “The food is unlimited here, Jax. You don’t have to steal it off someone’s plate. And anyway, I thought you didn’t like fish?”
“Funny, I seem to like it much better if I mooch it off of someone else.” Jax flashed her a cheeky grin as he shoved a bite of salmon into his mouth.
“I’m being serious.” Ragatha addressed the other circus members, purposely ignoring Jax as he made a face and plucked a fish bone from his mouth. “I really hope nothing is so wrong that she can’t be helped...maybe she’s sick, she could have a virus she hasn’t told anyone about. We know she doesn’t like to bring much attention to herself, but if she’s not feeling well…”
“I don’t know...Caine’s always running scans on our codes, so if she had a virus, wouldn’t he have detected it by now and patched it?” Gangle wrung her ribbon hands nervously. “This has been going on for a couple weeks, long enough where she should’ve gotten better by now if it was that. I think it’s something else…”
“Maybe we should just ask her directly what’s wrong?” Kinger proposed.
“I have asked, on more than one occasion.” Ragatha tugged a little too hard on a lock of her bright red hair, the split ends unraveling into frayed strands of yarn. “But every time I do, she insists that she’s fine. And so I let it drop so I don’t harass her about it, but I’m not at all convinced she’s telling the truth. She just seems so...unwell.”
“Well, you know how Pomni can be...she doesn’t like feeling trapped, or like she’s put on the spot,” Kinger replied thoughtfully, closing his eyes for a moment. “She tends to freeze up easily then. I think it would be better not to ask her about it as soon as something happens, but to wait until a more neutral time to approach her when she might be feeling calmer and more willing to open up.”
“Oh…” Ragatha mulled that over, still always astounded by these moments of lucidity from the chess piece after all these years of watching his mental state deteriorate. “That’s actually a pretty good idea, Kinger.”
Kinger blinked his eyes open again, befuddled. “What idea?”
“Er...um, anyway.” Ragatha cleared her throat, smothering the twinge of sadness that pinched at her heart then. “She seemed pretty closed-off tonight, but maybe tomorrow evening I’ll try to check in on her, see if she might be ready to talk.”
“If she isn’t already completely losing her marbles in there as we speak,” Jax quipped casually, through another mouthful of salmon.
“Jax!” Ragatha and Zooble spoke in unison, both of them angrily glaring the rabbit down.
“What?” Jax swallowed his bite and shrugged in mock innocence. “I’m only voicing what the rest of you are too afraid to say, you just don’t want to admit it. You think I’d be any happier if Chuckles abstracted in the night? I’d be losing my favorite little punching bag!”
Ragatha huffed. “You realize you aren’t being funny now, right, Jax?”
“Hey, you know what to expect from me by this point. I’m just maintaining the status quo here.” Jax tossed her a playful wink, which Ragatha acted like she didn’t see.
“Moving on,” Zooble intervened, keeping their eyes trained warningly on Jax for several seconds before turning to face Ragatha. “I think that’s the best thing you can try to do. Just, remember that she still might not budge and that you should give her that space if she isn’t ready to talk. I know you mean well, but the mother hen routine can get a little overbearing sometimes.”
“You don’t have to be so blunt about it…” Ragatha rubbed absently at her arm, casting her gaze down to the black-and-white checkered floor.
“You know what I mean,” Zooble replied, undeterred, but softening their tone just slightly. “Pomni isn’t a kid, and she doesn’t like being treated like one. Just make sure she doesn’t feel like she’s being talked down to. That’s all I’m saying.”
“...Yes. I know.” Ragatha tightened her grip on her own arm, stroking her thumb against the soft cottony flesh, and exhaled slowly. “And I won’t, I mean, I’ll try not to this time. I’m just…really worried about her. Given how rough her first few weeks here have been, I don’t want anything horrible to happen to her…”
“We don’t either,” Gangle assured her gently. “Which is why we’ll all do whatever we can to help her, once we know what’s wrong.”
“Speak for yourself, Ribbons.” Jax yawned lazily, having finished his second dinner. “I’m tellin’ you it’s a lost cause. Give it two weeks and she’ll be wiling away in the basement with all the others who couldn’t hack it. I’ll place bets on it, in fact.”
“I swear to god, if you say anything else…” Zooble threatened.
“What, like... anything else?” Jax smirked—and probably would have kept on smirking had Zooble not clamped a clawed hand around his throat and strangled him.
Ragatha tried to tune the two of them out as they continued to bicker, but she was unable to focus on her own dinner at this point either. Her mind wandered into unwanted territory, despite her best attempts to reel it back in.
I really hope Pomni is okay…I hope it’s nothing too serious.
…..I really hope it’s not already too late.
—-------
The next day passed in the usual fashion. They woke up, they performed the theme song, they went on the latest crazy adventure that Caine had cooked up, and then they returned to the tent in time for the dinner that Bubble had prepared for them.
And once again, Pomni joined them for dinner but didn’t touch her meal. She didn’t excuse herself early this time, but Ragatha noticed that she just pushed the food around on her plate and didn’t take a single bite as she chatted with Gangle through the meal.
Ragatha knew it wasn’t really dangerous for Pomni not to eat. They didn’t require that type of sustenance here, so they really only ate for enjoyment (such as it was) and to maintain some sense of a routine to cap their hectic days off with. But it was still concerning to her, given that it was a change of habit. It had taken some time for Pomni to adapt to no longer needing food for nourishment, and even longer to believe that the food here was actually safe…but once she’d more or less come to terms with it she would eat her dinner alongside everyone else, if only to cling to some semblance of normalcy. Ragatha couldn’t figure out what had changed in the last couple of weeks, couldn’t recall any particular moments that might’ve triggered a setback of this sort for Pomni, but she was certain there had to be something. Ragatha could only hope she would get to the bottom of it, but that was dependent on Pomni’s willingness to comply, something that Ragatha couldn’t guarantee from the cautious little jester.
But she was definitely going to try.
Which was how Ragatha found herself standing in front of Pomni’s door the following night, working up the nerve to knock. The day’s activities had wrapped up by then and everyone had split off for the rest of the night, but it was early enough where Ragatha didn’t think Pomni would be asleep yet. She’d actually even baked something specifically for Pomni and had brought it with her–she wasn’t going to be offended if Pomni wasn’t up for any treats, but Ragatha thought that maybe she’d feel more secure eating something made by a person she trusted more than a sentient bubble. It was worth a shot, at least.
Oh...go on already, what are you nervous about? It’s just Pomni, you’re just checking in on her as a friend who cares about her. She’s not going to get annoyed by that. Probably. Unless she does think you’re too overbearing like Zooble was saying...oh, cut that out and just knock already!
Drawing in a deep breath and bracing herself, Ragatha finally knocked on Pomni’s door.
“Hey, Pomni? It’s me...um, Ragatha.”
At first she didn’t hear anything on the other side of the door, and for a second she thought that maybe Pomni really had fallen asleep already. She was just debating on whether she should knock again or retreat to her room, when she caught what sounded like quiet footsteps approaching the door. And sure enough, the door opened a crack, revealing a sliver of Pomni’s face as she swept a quick gaze across the hall before she swung the door open fully.
“Oh, hey, Ragatha...sorry, I was just checking Jax wasn’t with you or anything. Or that you were Jax.” Pomni gave her a crooked half-smile, though it didn’t quite meet her unusually dull eyes. “Wouldn’t put it past him to mimic your voice just so I’d open the door and give him a split-second chance to slip a snake or something into my room.”
“Nope, it’s just me.” Ragatha smiled reassuringly, then faltered slightly as she considered Pomni’s words. “Uh, he hasn’t actually done that to you, has he?”
“Not yet, but there’s a first time for everything.”
“Well, true.” Ragatha rocked slightly on her heels, then cleared her throat. “So, can I come in, please?”
“Um...sure, of course.” Ragatha noticed the way Pomni’s whole body went rigid, her tone guarded and her eyes betraying her nerves as she regarded Ragatha warily. “Is something wrong?”
“Well…” Ragatha reasoned it was best not to beat around the bush with Pomni, when she hadn’t dropped by for a casual visit to begin with. “There’s something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about, something I need to ask. Uh, it’s not bad, or anything! It’s just...something I’ve noticed recently, that I want to touch base with you on. Would that be okay with you? If it’s too personal, I promise I’ll drop it.”
“...oh…” Now Pomni definitely sounded nervous, but she tried her best to cover it as she ushered Ragatha into her room and responded carefully, “Okay...I guess that’s fine. Um, here, do you want to sit down? You can take the bed...I think yours is probably cozier, with all those stuffed toys you have and your fluffy quilts and all…”
“Aw, your bed is plenty comfy...your whole room is adorable.” Ragatha perched on the edge of Pomni’s bed, then patted the spot beside her. “Here...plenty of room for both of us.”
Pomni hesitated, tapping her fingertips together, one of her anxious stims...but she did join Ragatha on the bed, sitting with her legs drawn up to her chest and her arms wrapped around her knees, a very self-protective position.
“So...what’s going on?” Pomni asked, after a moment had passed in silence.
“That’s what I was going to ask you, actually…” Ragatha began slowly, and noticed the way Pomni tensed up, her shoulders hunched. “I don’t mean to sound intrusive or, well, mothering or anything...but I’d noticed that lately it seems like you’ve stopped eating. You sit with us at dinner, you pick at your food, but I don’t remember the last time you’ve actually taken a bite of anything. I was wondering if there was any particular reason why.”
There. At least she’d gotten it out without too much fumbling.
Pomni hugged her knees tighter, her gaze locked onto the floor. “It’s not like we need to eat here, so I don’t see why it matters...I didn’t realize you had, uh, noticed that, though.”
Ragatha breathed out a quiet sigh, grateful at least that Pomni hadn’t outright denied it.
“I know, it’s not necessary to eat here. We really don’t gain or lose anything from it. We all still do it out of habit, and just because we feel like it...not that the food is fantastic here, but at least it satisfies something, even if only in a vague sense.” Ragatha fidgeted with the edge of her dress, keeping her gaze on Pomni, who was still staring intently at the rug in the center of her room. “And yeah...I guess it stood out to me, that you don’t eat anymore. I thought you’d gotten past being afraid to eat here, so I don’t think that’s why, and I know there’s at least a few things you enjoy. But you hardly even took a bite of your salmon the other night, and I know it’s your favorite, so I got...concerned, is all. It seems like there must be a reason for it.”
Pomni didn’t respond at first, fiddling with the cuff of her glove, a troubled expression reflected in her eyes.
“It’s really none of my business, if it’s too personal for you to want to share,” Ragatha went on, when Pomni still hadn’t spoken. “I don’t want you to be upset that I pointed it out, or feel coddled or anything…but I just wanted to reach out and let you know that I’m here for you if you needed anything. That we’re all here and want to help you feel better, if you’ve been sick or if something else is wrong. There’s no reason to hide yourself away and pretend everything is fine if it isn’t. I just wanted to extend that to you.”
Meanwhile, Pomni’s mind was reeling a little. She felt like she’d been caught in a lie, somehow, even though she’d only been…omitting the truth, whenever anyone had asked her if she was okay the last couple weeks. She should’ve known that Ragatha would pick up on Pomni’s eating habits, not out of nosiness but out of genuine concern, and she should’ve expected to be confronted on it. She felt stupid for thinking she could keep her issues to herself, living in such cramped quarters with five other people whom she spent most of her time with every day and bonded with through shared trauma. It was hard to keep anything hidden under those circumstances.
…So, really, why was she even trying? Why hadn’t she just been open from the start, why had she tried to skirt around her problem and act like it didn’t exist?
Well…she knew why. Because she never liked to impose on others, because she’d been made to feel like her anxiety was an inconvenience to others more than once in her life. And, alternatively, she was tired of being seen as the vulnerable and nervous one, tiptoed around like she was made of glass and was one panic attack away from shattering completely. She especially didn’t want Ragatha, who could be a little pushy about trying to take care of others even if her attempts were well-intentioned, to see her as someone so frail and incapable of caring for herself. Even if Pomni was sort of proving her point by starving herself because her ability to regulate her own emotions was quickly spiraling out of her control the longer she stayed here…
Finally, Pomni exhaled a long breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding.
“I’m not… sick, exactly,” she began slowly, as she gathered her thoughts. “I mean, not like a virus or anything. But I guess I really haven’t been feeling very well lately, either. It’s just not always easy to explain why that is, because sometimes even I don’t really know.”
“Well, I’ve got all the time in the world if you want to try,” Ragatha replied gently.
Pomni finally dared to meet Ragatha’s gaze, reading the sincerity in her expression…and it was enough to tear down the carefully-constructed walls she’d built around her battered heart, as the words she’d bit back for too long finally spilled from her tongue.
“The thing is…well, you know I have anxiety. And you know that it’s gotten…harder for me to manage here. I think you’ve witnessed that first-hand on more than one occasion by now.” Pomni flicked her gaze toward Ragatha, but the doll’s expression remained sympathetic, not judgemental of the times she’d found Pomni in a less-than-ideal state. She kept going. “And my anxiety affects pretty much every aspect of my life. It always has, but it was especially bad before I ever got diagnosed. It got a little better once I started actually managing it rather than just trying to live with it, but even after I was on medication and all, I…still had plenty of bad days. Really bad days. And whenever one of those episodes would hit, all I can do is just ride it out as best as I can. But it impacts everything. I can’t sleep, I can’t focus…I can’t eat. Which I guess is where I’m at now.”
Pomni paused, thinking through her next words, before continuing. “I think the best way to describe it is, when my anxiety is getting the best of me, I feel it in my gut as much as in my head. I get these awful stomachaches whenever I’m super stressed, it feels like my stomach has literally been tied into a knot. But the worst part is the nausea that usually comes with it. I hate being nauseous, it’s one of the most miserable feelings to suffer through, and unfortunately I’m just prone to it. There used to be whole days in my old life where all I could manage to eat would be plain toast and tea, maybe instant noodles if I was lucky, and even then I was making myself choke it down only because I knew how much worse I would feel if I didn’t. It sucks when you simultaneously feel hungry but also like you’re going to puke whatever you eat right back up, when you know you need food but can’t actually stomach it. It’s awful. So when that… problem started to resurface here, the worse my anxiety got, I just decided to quit eating. It seemed like a better choice than making myself sick by forcing down food I didn’t even need in the first place.”
A moment of quiet passed between them, but it wasn’t suffocating as Pomni had feared it would be. It gave her a minute to take a few breaths, to swallow back the lump that had crept up her throat as she’d spoken so earnestly about her struggle for once. She did not feel like crying tonight.
“Oh, Pomni...I’m so sorry, that really sounds terrible. Although, I think I can relate a little...it’s horrible to be at the mercy of your mental state, that even eating can become this insurmountable thing if you let it.” Ragatha sounded like she knew just what she was talking about, which compelled Pomni to give her a questioning look, wondering the extent of her own issues that Pomni was not yet privy to. But Ragatha pressed on. “So...that’s what it is, though? Not that you’ve been ill or afraid to eat, or...anything worse? I mean, not that this in and of itself is good, I know how terrible it is, but I was worried that maybe you...well, maybe I shouldn’t finish that sentence.”
No one ever needed to finish that sentence, not when the threat of that unspoken something worse loomed forebodingly over them at all times.
“Well...it does still weird me out a little, the way eating works here,” Pomni confided. “I don’t like never feeling hungry or never feeling like I’ve had my fill, it’s sort of like...this strange void in my belly that never knows what it’s supposed to want or need anymore. But I still eat anyway, just to...to feel normal, even if it isn’t really normal. But no, that’s not why I’ve been avoiding food. I guess the stress of the day just catches up with me every evening and makes me lose whatever appetite I had. That’s pretty much it.”
“I see…I mean, I wish it was different for you. I understand how horrible that can be. And really, if it helps you to just not eat sometimes when it gets really bad, then at least you know it’s not harming you the way it would have in your old life. It’s not like we can physically starve here, so that’s a relief.” Ragatha rubbed her arm thoughtfully. “But you might feel better if you did still try to eat, sometimes. Just a few bites of something, if you can manage it. It helps a lot more than you might think to just do something that feels human, same as going to sleep every night even when we don’t need that either.”
“Maybe…” Pomni replied reluctantly.
“Just think about it. No pressure. Also…” Ragatha met Pomni’s gaze then, and Pomni forced herself not to break that eye contact even as that lump in her throat resurfaced. “I know I already said this, but you know you can come to any of us any time at all. Well, maybe not Jax, but…the rest of us are here for you, we will listen to you and help you however we possibly can. These are some heavy feelings to shoulder alone, Pomni. But you have people here who care and understand, and don’t want you to hurt all by yourself.”
Pomni swallowed hard, the lump in her throat barely budging. “Even if it’s happening every day?”
“Especially if it’s happening every day,” Ragatha asserted. “If you’re reaching a point where your anxiety is making you physically sick, then that’s definitely a good reason to reach out to someone, whether you want to talk or just get your mind off it. Even if we might not have the right things to say, we’re still here for you, we care about you an awful lot. And I know I especially have this tendency to be a little…overbearing…but it’s only because I don’t want to see the people I care most about going through a hard time. And that includes you. So just, try to keep that in mind when you start to feel swallowed up by those bad thoughts, okay?”
Pomni drew in a long breath, letting it out slowly, her shoulders relaxing as she sat up a little straighter. She felt… better, than she had in the last couple of weeks. Maybe still not great, but any improvement at all was welcome. She hadn’t realized just how heavy her heart had grown, weighed down by such an exhausting symptom to cope with and doing so all alone, something she’d always felt compelled to keep buried in her old life when she was treated like she was exaggerating or imagining the signs of her own mental illness. That probably spoke volumes more of the people who she kept herself surrounded by than her own shortcomings, but it had always made her feel like she was weak, like she was failing at combating her own anxiety. It had taken years to train herself into believing that it wasn’t her fault, though the thought had always lurked somewhere in the back of her mind, that taunting little voice that wanted her to think every one of her problems was something she deserved and had brought upon herself.
God…no wonder she made herself sick with anxiety so often. No wonder she was better at listening to others than she was at reaching out for help herself. How could she ever let herself feel secure around anyone when she’d spent a good chunk of her life convinced they weren’t taking her seriously about what ailed her? But she wanted to believe she had a fresh start here, even if she’d never wanted to be here in the first place–that even if she couldn’t go home, she had people here who understood her, who didn’t see her mental issues as a burden to them, who wanted to comfort her out of concern and not obligation. Maybe that was the one good thing to come of this horrible situation she’d stumbled into: finding people that might finally make her feel like she belonged.
“Okay…I’m trying, anyway.” Pomni scratched at her cheek, giving a weak laugh. “I’m still getting used to that. And…thanks, Ragatha. Thank you for checking in on me. I guess I needed to talk more than I realized. Also, um…I don’t think you’re overbearing, I think you just try a little too hard sometimes to make everyone else happy. That’s not necessarily bad, and you always mean well, but…I kind of like it best when we can just talk things through like this, when you don’t feel like you constantly have to try and cheer me up.”
“That’s...that’s really sweet of you, Pomni,” Ragatha replied quietly, and cracked a small smile, as well. “Maybe that’s something I need to work on, too. Guess that gives us both something to focus on.”
Their conversation taped off momentarily, long enough for Pomni to realize that her stomachache, the very reason she’d retired to her room the second dinner was over, had vanished. The tight, aching knot that had coiled up her tummy since they’d returned from the day’s adventure had mercifully unwound itself over the course of their conversation, the nausea that had roiled within her like a relentless storm ebbing away entirely. Funny how a distraction she hadn’t known she’d needed could work such wonders so quickly. If only it were that easy to tame every day...but if she were lucky, maybe more days could be like that.
They’d been sitting together in companionable silence for a minute before Pomni finally sniffed the air and broached a new topic. “Hey, um, are you wearing some kind of new perfume, maybe? I’ve been smelling something cinnamony and sweet since you walked in.”
“...Oh! I nearly forgot. Thank you for reminding me, Pomni.” Ragatha quickly fetched a heart-shaped container from beside her on the bed, which Pomni hadn’t even noticed until now. “I actually made you a little something...well, baked you something. It’s cookies. I wasn’t sure what kind you liked best, so I went with snickerdoodles, since most people seem to like sugar and spice. It’s okay if you don’t like them or if you don’t feel like it right now, but I had thought maybe you’d be more inclined to eat if you knew it was prepared by someone you trusted. By a friend.”
“Oh wow, you didn’t have to do that...that was so nice of you.” It was such a sweet gesture that it nearly brought tears to Pomni’s eyes, knowing it was done with her in mind. She blinked against the stinging in her eyes, temptation gradually winning out against her urge to cry. “Um, is it okay if I try one…?”
“Oh gosh, of course! That’s what they’re for, after all.” Ragatha beamed, prying the lid off and holding out the container for Pomni. “Help yourself.”
Pomni selected a sugar-dusted cookie from the container, inspecting it curiously before tentatively taking a bite. Her eyes widened as it melted in her mouth, the sweetness spreading across her tongue.
“Oh my god, how did you make it taste so, like...so real?” she marveled. “This isn’t anything like what Bubble, uh... cooks doesn’t feel like exactly the right word, but that.”
“I could never figure that out either, but I guess it’s because I’m an actual human putting my heart into it, even if I only have digital ingredients at my disposal,” Ragatha replied, clearly pleased by Pomni’s reaction. “Do you like it?”
“I love it, this is delicious...I actually feel like I’m eating food, not just pixels that vaguely taste like food.” Pomni took another bite, this time without any hesitation. “It feels kind of amazing to be eating anything at all and not feel like I’m going to get sick right after. I don’t think anyone’s ever baked me cookies before either...thank you, so much, Ragatha. I feel like I owe you something…”
“Oh gosh, Pomni, you don’t owe me anything. Watching you enjoy it so much is more than enough thanks for me.” Ragatha sounded like she truly meant it. “Besides, I love to bake, so it was nice for me too. I find it relaxing.”
“I don’t think I could ever be the type to bake for fun…” Pomni mused. “I think I only ever tried to make cookies once for some work function, and they turned out more like charred bits of coal than anything close to edible.”
“Aww, you just need a little more practice and I’m sure you could master it. I could even help you bake something if you want…!”
“Umm...unless you want to see me accidentally burn the circus tent down, I’m not so sure about that.”
“Oh Pomni, I’m sure you can’t be that bad.”
“Wanna bet? One time I caught my microwave on fire.”
Ragatha snorted. “How did you manage that?”
Pomni giggled awkwardly. “Let’s just say I found out the hard way what happens when you accidentally put foil in the microwave…”
That was how the evening wound down, with treats and lighthearted conversation. Pomni was grateful, for once, to end the night on a calm note, to feel the muscles in her body loosen and her stomach unclench itself. She knew better than to believe every night could be this peaceful, that tomorrow would likely bring with it a new wave of trauma and torture for her to endure in the form of another supposedly “fun” adventure, that her anxiety would threaten to drown her once more and twist her stomach back up like a very painful pretzel. She knew herself all too well to trick herself into thinking it would go otherwise.
But she would think about that all again tomorrow. For now, she just wanted to appreciate the simple pleasure of talking to a friend, and being able to eat without it making her feel queasy and miserable. In this world, it was the small things she had to cling to for the sake of her sanity, grounding herself and reminding herself that there were reasons to keep holding on, and she wouldn’t take any of it for granted.