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The end of the second summer approached. The kids had gone on a short cruise with their great uncles on the Stan o’ War 2 because Ford had detected an anomaly nearby. Unfortunately for them, said anomaly seemed to have infected Ford, or so he thought. It started with a sore throat that he thought was dehydration because once he got into science, he was terrible at self care until the last moment.
His hypothesis was proven incorrect when Mabel started sneezing and complaining of a queasy stomach. He would ordinarily have chalked it up to the poor diet his brother allowed the children to have during the summer, plus Mabel juice and glitter, but then Dipper exhibited the same symptoms along with a cough. Dipper confirmed it wasn’t a twin thing where they feel allergies at the same time because he felt worse than Mabel did. That is until she started throwing up.
“Colds and flus...you kids take yearly flu shots, right?” Stan asked, tying Mabel’s hair up. Dipper nodded weakly from the bathroom doorway. “Great, get back in bed.” Dipper ambled away.
Surprisingly, Stan seemed to be his normal level of health despite being the nurse for the three of them. Once Ford got sick, Stan told Soos to close the shack for a while. So far, he hadn’t heard that Soos, Melody, or Wendy was sick.
“What sort of anomal-” Ford submitted to a fit of coughing.
“Stop talking and drink your tea, would you?” Stan said, rolling his eyes.
“I-”
“Sixer, go drink the tea and lay down.” Stan’s voice was stern. Not wanting to incur the wrath of Stan, Ford complied. A few moments later, a resounding THUMP from downstairs was followed by a groan. “Oh for the love of-sweetie, can you make it back to your bed?”
“Y-yeah...” Mabel said weakly.
Stan headed downstairs to see Ford picking himself off the floor and dizzily plopping himself on the armchair.
“What happened? You miss a step?”
“No *cough* I was dizzy.”
“Might as well sit, I’ll bring soup. Gotta try to get something to stay in Mabel’s stomach.”
“How are you *cough* okay?”
Stan thought about it. “Who said I was?” He headed to Ford’s room to get the mostly full tea mug.
“Stanley, are you sick *cough*?” Ford asked, accepting the mug.
“Probably.” Stan said nonchalantly.
“But *cough* you aren’t-” Another coughing fit ensued, almost causing the tea to spill.
“Stanford Pines, stop yappin’ and drink your tea before I make you.” Stan crossed his arms and stared at Ford until his twin started drinking the tea, looking shamed. “Oi, no need for that face, Sixer. I’m feeling some things, but I’m fine. Not sure if it’s a twin thing or what, but I’m taking care of myself and you three.” Ford nodded. Stan went to make soup. When he finished, he found the kids on the armchair next to Ford. All three of them had blankets and slippers on.“What happened to stay in bed?”
“Soup smelled good.” Dipper said, followed by a cough.
“I think I can have some.” Mabel rasped.
“Soup, please?” Ford asked.
“Fine, but you don’t have to talk like a three year old. I didn’t want you to hurt yourself, Ford.” Stan said. He brought everyone a serving of chicken soup.
“They were out of noodles, so I made the cans of chicken soup.” Stan said when Dipper looked confused.
“I think it’s broth.”
“It’s warm and it won’t kill ya.”
“Fair.”
“We got sick a lot as kids. It just happens, you know?”
“Grunkle Stan, how are you not feeling as bad as us?” Mabel asked.
“Years of practice. Sometimes I couldn’t afford to get sick, like it was life or death-Ford don’t you dare feel guilty.” He’d noticed the expression on his twin’s face.
“Story?” Dipper asked.
“Sure. How about, the time Ford caused classroom chaos at five or six?”
“Oh no...” Ford blushed slightly.
“Oh yeah.” Stan grinned. “I remember most of it, you’ll have to help me out a bit.”
“Do I have a choice?” Ford grumbled. He coughed.
“Nope.”
...
Glass Shard elementary school was a new experience for the young Pines twins. Stanford was scared because their father hadn’t really said goodbye and their mother was running the shop.
He dropped them off and told them not to set any fires or do anything stupid on the first day.
Stanley wasn’t scared. Or at least he wouldn’t admit it to anyone else but his brother. And he was trying to stay tough for Ford. They hadn’t been much farther out than being supervised at the beach by their older brother, Sherman.
“I wish Shermie was here.” Ford mumbled, shoving his hands into his jacket pockets. Sherman had been sent to military school. At least he promised to visit them.
“But he’s a big kid, Sixer, he can’t go to elementary school.” Stan said.
“I don’t like when you’re the logical one.”
“Sometimes you gotta switch places.”
“When would switching places ever be helpful in life?”
“Ya never know with a world full of mystery, bro.”
“I have doubts.”
“You say that about a lot of things. Come on!” Ford tried to keep his hands firmly in his pockets as he kept up with Stanley who had run towards the playground, cheering “Play time!”
“Children!” The boys turned to see a lady standing near a classroom. She saw them and gestured for them to come.
“Aww.” Stan pouted.
“Well, it is school.” Ford stated.
“Not infinite playtime? The word is infinite, right?”
“Correct. Sorry, no infinite playtime.”
Stan huffed and followed his brother to the classroom. “Dammit...stupid no playtime rules...I oughta-”
“Stanley!” Ford hissed urgently. Stan looked up at the teacher who looked stern.
“Excuse me, young man, I will have no such language in my classroom.”
“Oughta?” Stan asked. Ford’s eyes widened. Stan knew exactly which word the teacher was talking about.
“You know the word.” The teacher said.
“Ohh...stupid. Sorry.” Stan said.
“You shouldn’t use that word either, but I was talking about the first word you said when you entered.”
“My Pa says vocablutary ‘spanden is good.”
“Vocabulary expansion.” Ford corrected automatically.
The teacher sighed. “Yes, but there’s a time and a place for certain language. Classrooms are not the place for bad language.”
“There’s bad language? It’s just words.”
“Yes, but there are certain words that shouldn’t be used.”
Stan’s face lit up “Like son of a-”
“STANLEY!”
“I was gonna say gun, Ford.” The other kids giggled.
“Please sit down, we haven’t even done introductions yet. And please take your hands out of your pockets.” The teacher said. The twins sat down. Ford quickly put his hands inside his desk. Stan gave him a look of disapproval.
“What’d I tell ya?” Stan whispered while the teacher was having the class take turns introducing themselves.
“I’m not ready.” Ford mumbled. “I wish Pa let me wear the mitts.”
“Boys, I believe it’s your turn. Why are your hands in your desk?” She looked curiously at the boys. Ford sunk in his chair.
“Name’s Stanley Pines.” Stan said, standing up. “This is my brother, Stanford, we live in the pawn shop.”
“Stanley and Stanford?” The teacher looked doubtful.
“Don‘cha have a name paper, teach?”
“Roll sheet.” Ford said.
“Why would she roll the sheet? Seems uh...what’s the word? Counter-something.”
“Counterproductive.”
“Yeah, that one. Ya can’t see nothin’ if you roll the sheet. Ha, that’s funny because sheet sounds like-”
“Stanley Pines, I am warning you for the second and last time about your language!” The teacher scolded.
“I was gonna say the blanket you put on your bed.” Stan said, flashing an innocent smile. That was absolutely not what he was going to say and Ford knew it, but kept his mouth shut. A ripple of laughter went through the class again.
“I hope I don’t have a pair of troublemakers in my class this year.”
“I dunno, teach, some of these kids look shifty.”
“I’m talking about you and your brother, Stanley. Stanford, please take your hands out of the desk.”
“Why?” Stan asked.
“We’re not playing that game, Stanley, now I believe I asked your brother something.”
“No.” Stan said. “You told him to do somethin’, that ain’t a question.”
“I’m going to have to write your name on the board if you keep talking back like that.”
“What does that do? Can I write it? Ma says I need ta practice writing.”
“You want your name on the board because you’re causing trouble?”
“What trouble? I’m just askin’ questions.”
“You’re disrupting the lesson.”
“How ‘m I doin’ that? We didn’t start learnin’ nothin’ yet.”
“Double negative.” Ford said.
“The reason we aren’t learning anything yet is because you keep talking.”
“But school is for learning, how do we learn if we can’t ask questions?” Ford asked. “Also we were on introductions, I thought we were supposed to talk.”
The teacher sighed heavily. “You were supposed to say your name and something about yourself, then we move on.”
“I think the instructions were unclear. You asked us to introduce ourselves. Guys, how many people know what ‘introductions’ or ‘introduce’ means?” Ford asked the class. The kids shrugged and made noises of confusion.
“It means saying yer name?” One kid asked.
“True, but did you know that before the teacher asked?” Ford realized he missed his teacher’s name.
“No, Mrs. Trainer just said into-duce yerselves ‘n one thing about ya. Issa big word.”
“Indeed, it’s a big word.” Ford turned to the teacher “You also used a lot of big words to talk to my brother and I don’t think he understood some of them like: entered, certain, and disrupted.”
“I know what entered means, it’s when you bury a body.” Stan said proudly, much to the shock of the teacher and amusement of the kids.
“That’s interred, Stanley.” Ford adjusted his glasses, not realizing he’d exposed his six fingered hand. The teacher’s jaw dropped and the class gasped. “It’s true, it’s when you bury someone in a grave or tomb. That’s spelled t-o-m-b.”
“Well then, I know volcanoes disrupt.”
“Erupt.”
“Dammit. At least I know certain means for sure.”
“You’ve known that for three days because you kept calling it a ‘shower certain’.”
“Eh, tomato, potato. Hey, what’s with the rest of you?” He rose his eyebrows. “You seen the Jersey Devil or something?” Ford gasped and shoved his hand back into his desk. “They seen it now, Sixer. Yeah, okay, he’s got six fingers on each hand. He’s a pterodactyl.”
BAM!
Ford’s head made contact with his desk. “It’s polydactyl, Stanley...and you don’t say the P in pterodactyl.”
“Ya don’t?”
“No, it doesn’t have a p sound.”
“No P? Not even the boys?”
“STANLEY PINES!” Mrs. Trainer appeared to have gotten over her shock.
“What does that mean? What’s a p?” A boy asked.
“Don’t you dare-”
“Where your pee comes out of for boys.” Ford said, lifting his head. His bangs settled over the pink mark on his forehead.
“A peepee?” Another boy asked. The classroom erupted into chatter.
“If that’s what you want to call it, it’s technically called a pen-”
“STANFORD PINES, NO! EVERYONE, BE QUIET!” Mrs. Trainer stood up and marched to Ford’s desk with a ruler in hand. The noise lowered a little.
“You gonna measure it?” Stan asked. The uproar started again.
“Ew, no that’s illegal!” Ford yelled over the noise.
“But there’s no cops around, anything’s legal!” Stan jumped in front of Ford’s desk.
“My dad’s a cop!” A girl shouted.
“Yeah, but you’re not trained so I gotta fend my brother.”
“Defend. And she was probably going to just smack my hands with the ruler as punishment.” Ford explained.
“Punishment for what? Knowing your body parts?” Stan asked. “Hold on, I thought school was for learnin’. How come Ford’s not allowed to tell them about the body parts?”
“It is not appropriate for your age and you’ll learn more in middle school.” Mrs. Trainer said.
“Bad language again? But it’s a part of the body.” Ford said. “I thought we learn about sex in middle school.”
“What’s that?” A kid asked. Mrs. Trainer looked mortified and her face was deep red. The buzz around the classroom grew again.
“Well, I only know about a mom and dad and the ‘rule’ is that they should be in love, then-”
“Hold up, Ford, maybe they didn’t read the same books, ya know?” Stan said, observing the vein in their teacher’s forehead. “Also, I think you broke Mrs. Trainer.”
“What happens when they’re not in love?” A girl in the front asked. “My parents aren’t in love anymore, does that mean they broke the rules?” She looked close to tears.
“No, no, don’t worry.” Ford said “You said not anymore, means they were in love before so you’re a product of real love. Divorce just means they don’t love each other, but if they still care about you then they love you.”
“You mean parents could not love us?” A boy asked.
“Um...” The twins looked at each other uncomfortably. Some of the class started crying while the others were still trying to figure out what Ford had said.
“You two, Principal’s office. Now.” Mrs. Trainer growled.
The Pines twins sighed in defeat, grabbed their stuff, and left.
“I went too far...curse my desire for knowledge.” Ford grumbled, kicking a pebble.
“Chin up, Sixer, you’re the smartest kid in class.”
“The smartest kid destroyed the order of the classroom before recess.”
“Eh, that just means I got a record to break.” Stan laughed.
The principal was on the phone when they entered. Her eyes were wide as she gave noises of confirmation that she was hearing the person on the other end. She saw the twins enter, told the person that they were in the office, and hung up.
“Trouble before recess, that’s got to be a new record.” Ms. Brand said. “It looks like you two caused quite a stir.”
“I didn’t mean to make them cry.” Ford said. “It was an accident. I said there wasn’t a p sound in pterodactyl and my brother took it somewhere else...and then I took the same path.”
“We’re really sorry.” Stan said. “Please don’t call our Pa. He’ll be hoppin’ mad.”
“I’m afraid I must, boys.” The principal said. “What you two did was called ‘disorderly conduct’. It means you acted in a way that caused a lot of trouble.”
“I know what it means.” Ford mumbled.
“You’re a bright young boy and you know a lot, but not everyone is on the same level as you. I admire the fact that you know a lot and you want to learn more, but it can’t happen if the class is all noisy and the teacher can’t do her job. Why don’t you learn whatever you want on your own time and while you’re in school, you follow what the rest of the class is doing?”
“Finger painting and learning abc’s and counting?”
“Something like that, yes. There are these things called ‘lesson plans’ that teachers make. They get to decide what to teach because the school board tells them what is age appropriate.”
“Board?” Stan asked.
“A group that’s basically my boss.”
“You’re not the boss?”
“Not the biggest boss, no. Just the one who makes the school rules. Which leads me to language use. Stanley, do you know what the swears mean that you were saying?”
“I wasn’t sayin’ ‘em.”
“It’s called implication. You were almost saying them.”
“Oh...um...I guess I don’t.”
“Perhaps you should look those up. Maybe come up with something that sounds more appropriate.”
“Like...hot Belgian waffles!”
“Sure. My point is, boys, please don’t say things that children aren’t ready to hear. Maybe you should check out books on child development or psychology.”
“Ma does psychology.”
“That’s not what a telephone psychic is.” Ford said.
Ms. Brand took a blank paper from her desk and wrote a list, then handed it to Ford. “Those books might help you understand why we teach what we teach at each grade level.”
“Are they picture books?” Stan asked.
“No and it has a lot of adult language.”
“Swears?”
“No, just big words.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll tell you the summary.” Ford assured his brother.
They sat outside the office while their parents were called. The boys had to be picked up early since the class was still in an uproar and couldn’t be entirely calmed. They definitely were grounded when they got home and Pa gave them a verbal lashing.
...
“So did you actually *cough* beat that record?” Dipper asked.
“Absolutely, the next year. We told everyone that Ford lost his extra fingers in a fight and they turned into worms.” Stan said. “I found the biggest worms you ever saw on the east coast and we wrapped his hands and painted the gauze red. Our parents didn’t notice when we were leaving because Ford wore mittens.”
“Where were the worms?” Mabel asked.
“In my lunch bag. I put one in my mouth.” The kids groaned in disgust. “I didn’t eat it, but that got me sent home and almost cost a psych evaluation before class even started. Ford stayed in school that day.”
“With paint stained *cough* hands.” Ford added.
“It was your plan, Sixer. My idea, you planned, and I did the dirty work...literally. Everyone talked about it for the rest of the year.” Ford nodded to confirm.
“Did you do something every year?” Mabel asked.
“Nah, Pa said if it happened again, he was going to make us ‘regret it’. Didn’t stop any other day’s mischief.”