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It was the last day before the ton descended upon the Bridgerton estate and Kate had, once again, been not so subtly sent away from Edwina's ball planning. Well, she supposed, it's not like she knew anything about what they were discussing, she knew no men nor had any connections but it would have been nice to be included at least. Edwina was her sister after all, but, while Kate may have been her primary caretaker growing up that didn't make her her guardian and certainly not her mother, no matter how she may feel.
Kate strolled through the expansive gardens of the estate, brushing her fingertips against rows of delicate lily petals. She so wanted to pluck one out and relive those childhood moments of gathering wildflowers by the fistful and braiding them into each other's hair, the burning sun and noisy streets where they used to spend their summers.
Kate thought about how they would never be those ages again, they would never get to live like that again. Edwina would become some English man's wife and grow accustomed to this mild English weather, a commoner had no place marring Edwina’s, otherwise, near perfect history. She drifted forlornly towards the willow tree primely positioned just beyond the wet soil surrounding the lake at the far end of the garden. She looked down at the thatch of fresh grass blanketing the hard ground under the tree and then to the skirt of her incredibly expensive dress and sighed before thumping heavily down to the ground. She pulled her legs up and lay the side of her head against her knees, allowing the hard point of her knees to massage her pulsing temples. Closing her eyes she tried to absorb the light breeze in the air, the gentle lapping of the water, the delicate scent of flowers, the peace and calm. The light the shone between the branches and patches of sunlight dappled on her skin. Her body was so heavy and she was so tired.
"Kathani." Was Anthony was invading her dreams now? Just another way for him to bother her.
"Kathani." She was too tired to think about him and all the complications he came with. He was too confusing and every interaction they had left her more unsettled than the last.
"Kathani." She tried to swat whatever was tapping her face and snatched it. Her head snapped up. Her hand was clasped tightly around Anthony's wrist and Anthony was peeking out from the other side of the tree with a bunch of lilies torn at the stem in hand just above her face. He opened his hand in shock and the flowers rained down on her. He looked as though he had just come from a meeting with his hair slicked back, something she had realised he didn't do if he didn't have work to do. He had a more formal Bridgerton Blue waistcoat on but his sleeves were rolled to his elbows and his jacket was no where to be seen. Had he seen her from his study and come out? That was absurd.
Her laugh pierced the air and stole the air from Anthony's lungs. The soft white petals contrasted delicately against her silky black hair that had come loose in the summer breeze. The Bridgerton blue dress he had snuck into her closet was splayed out around her appearing almost white against the bright green grass, he had had it made to her tastes, the square neckline exposing the divot of her collarbone and the fluttering short sleves allowed her bare arms to glow golden in the sun. Anthony wished he could have Benedict capture the image in oils but he was most captivated by the wide look in her eyes and the confused pursing of her brown lips as she looked up at him. When she laughed he could imagine her as a spring fairy dusted in sunshine. She looked like a childhood wish.
She had turned towards him and, as if mesmerised, he leaned into her and reached out. His fingers threaded into the loose sections of her hair and pulled at the ribbon holding her bun together releasing the rest of her hair into a cascade of velvety night. She looked at him in surprise and he captured her gaze, her hair was wrapped around his fingers and he brought the locks of hair to his nose inhaling the scent of lilies now intermingled with fresh cut grass and humid summer air and pressed the length of her hair against his lips, trying to convey his sincerity in a single moment.
They both wished they could freeze time, remain in this second for the rest of their lives.
Anthony broke the moment first, releasing Kate’s hair and moving to sit down next to her, revealing the picnic basket in his other hand. They sat in silence for a while, Kate’s arms on her knees, her legs tucked under the fan of her skirt, Anthony's legs out in front of him, leaning back on his hands with the picnic basket between them. With a groan Anthony helped her to her feet as he set up the picnic he had painstakingly organised, or had the chefs organise but he had had to explain exactly why since the Aubrey hall staff had known him since he was a boy and saw no issue with needling him about his unrestrained affection. He had had to leave the kitchen to escape the teasing about his seemingly new personality.
Once they had retaken their original positions they fully relaxed. There were no siblings to organise or parents to please, it was like they were alone in the world.
As their eyes grew heavy together Kate slowly straightened out, her legs relaxing and leaning back against the tree, embracing the swirling lake breeze. Anthony slowly fell sideways inch by inch until his head was pillowed in Kate's lap. He lay on his back and held her hand drawing meaningless patterns into her palm while her other hand stroked his hair, curling the locks through her fingers and tugging at random intervals. Anthony looked up at her, memorising the sharp tilt of her jaw and the slender column of her neck. Admiring the way the direct sunlight make her glow, he wondered if it would be worth moving to India so he could see her like this everyday. She may even be more willing to stay with him if he made such a decision. The gentle glide of her soft fingers scratching his chin diverted his spiraling thought process.
Kate moved her hand to rub her palms against his rough jaw and shivered, suddenly self conscious that their position was entirely inappropriate and more jarring, if anyone to see them like this, she wasn't sure she would reject the proceedings that would follow.
"What has called you away from your responsibilities Mr bridgerton?" Kate asked, wondering why he was even here to begin with. Didn't he have a big elaborate ball to organise?
"You." Anthony answered, eyes closed and nuzzling into her palm before it was yanked away.
"Don't be silly." Kate replied furiously, her red cheeks contradicting her scowling expression. She rubbed her hands together, holding them up and away from him.
"What are you doing here then? I thought you would be with our mothers planning the marriage hunt Miss Sharma." Anthony asked, sedately snacking on fruit, showing no intentions of moving.
"Don't call it a hunt that seems sinister. Besides I'm hoping for a love match for my sister." Kate tried to appear nonchalant despite the fact Anthony knew her family was relying on Edwina’s marrying well.
"A love match?" Anthony said incredulously.
"Dont say it like that, our parents had a love match, your parents were notorious for their love match as well. Are you saying you don't believe in love?" Kate knew that Anthony knew she was deflecting.
"It's not that I don't believe in it, it's just... When your father died didn't your family just fall apart? You clearly act as Edwina's guardian, not your mother, you must have seen just how love can effect someone. I could never do that to anyone, let alone someone I loved. I couldn't condemn my children to my fate." Anthony's eyes were distant as if looking for answers in the depths of the lake. She buried her fingers in his soft curls again, preoccuping herself with pulling his hair style apart lock by lock.
"But what about love, is the grief not worth the experience? I remember how much brighter the world seemed when my father was alive, how it dulled day by day as he got sicker and sicker, I hope when I find a man worthy of marrying the world brightens again." Kate's voice was strained. She had held onto this fairytale since childhood and while she has become much more acquainted with the real world, she hadn't managed to lose that dream entirely.
"You plan on marrying?" Anthony's eyes snapped back to Kate's with a concerning sparkle.
"I always wanted to, but you know, I had Edwina and Mary to think about. No one willing to marry me thought they were my responsibility. They all thought that Mary should be taking care of Edwina, not me, and I was unwilling to leave Mary with the finances." Kate resumed stroking Anthony's hair but wouldn't look at his face. She felt strangely nervous telling Anthony about her previous courtships, she wasn't ashamed of them but she didn't want to give the wrong impression.
"Ooh, they?" Kate relaxed at Anthony's teasing accepting the strawberry he held to her lips. The tip of her tongue dancing across his thumb and forefinger, swiping up the strawberry juice that ran down his fingers.
"Is that all you heard?"
"You had suitors?"
"I know I'm an old spinster now but I was quite sought after when I first debuted." Kate had debuted in drab fashion, having spent all the money they had on her fathers treatment and still in her funeral attire. The arrangement had been made by her father months earlier and she had thought it an insult to his memory to not at least show up. She attended alone and had only danced the minimum amount but she still remembers that there were sufficient men lining up to have those dances to not be embarrassing.
"I have no doubt. How many men made it past your prickly personality yee old spinster?" The memories faded, overtaken by Anthony's fingers poking her stomach.
"I'll have you know some men have liked my personality, can you say the same?" She mocked back, swatting his hands.
"Well I'm not really looking to impress many men."
"You know what I mean, do your little mistresses find your charming personality attractive?" Kate regretted the question almost immediately, she had no desire to know Anthony's type, she had no desire fixate on how she didn't fit it.
"You think I'm charming?" Anthony had a winning smile, reminiscent of their first ball together.
"Stay on topic idiot." Kate's pursed lips didn't hide her smile at all.
"I've never really had mistresses. I had one girl last year, Siena. I fancied myself in love with her." Anthony reached up to run his thumb along the seam of her lips.
"Love? I thought you didn't believe in love?" Anthony almost didn't hear her as he instead felt her hot breath rush over his knuckles and resisted the urge to run his thumb over her straight pearly teeth. He wondered how every one of her movements could make him weak at the knees but she barely reacted to nealry having his fingers in her mouth.
"Yes, she broke up with me the day I went to confess." He tactically omitted that he found her with another man, there was no need to look so pathetic.
"Ouch." Kate winced, trying to ignore the rough pads of his fingers on her face so she didnt lean into him. "Is that why you're so dismissive of romance?"
"No," Anthony sighed, Kate was not going to let this go and he didnt particulary want to hide anything from his future wife, "it really has nothing to do with it. When I was 18 my father died. A bee sting. One moment he was the greatest man in my life, the next he was dead in my arms. The shock, the grief, it sent my mother into early labour. I spent nearly a year after that persuading her to sleep, eat, move, pleading to her to not kill herself. That we still needed her. I wasn't old enough to raise so many siblings and none of us were old enough to become orphans so abruptly. Hyacinth was a year old already and thought me and Daphne were her parents." Anthony choked out, laying still as Kate brushed away the tears that had leaked out from the corners of his eyes. Looking at Kate made him want to lay his emotions bare.
"But she recovered." Kate was clearly attempting to soothe him but her tone was still unsure.
"Eventually, but, not that I blame her, it wasn't fast enough." Anthony whispered, he hadn't managed to think such thoughts without being overwhelmed with guilt, saying them out loud made him worryingly nauseous. Kate only hummed agreeably in response.
"I had to learn how to take care of both of their duties at the same time, Benedict and Daphne helped but Benedict doesn't have the mind for the numbers and Daphne was nearly ten, how could I burden a ten year old like that." Anthony was on the edge of a cliff, his current guilt and anxiety was overlapping with the poinient memories of overwhelm and desperation that he had never managed to move past. That year still haunted his dreams.
"I struggled enough trying to distract Edwina from Mary's condition I couldn't imagine having to handle eight siblings at once." Kate rushed out as Anthony began to struggle to breath. She pressed her palm, hard, into his sternum, grounding him. "You've done quite well haven't you Anthony? Your mother is surely proud of you, I am." Anthony truly doubted his mother felt something so positive as pride for him but hearing Kate lavish praise on him was too difficult to hear. He turned on his side and pressed his face into her stomach, wrapping his arms around her waist. She gave a few weak futile tugs to his hair but gave up quickly, settling into their new position contently.
"Besides I believe in love now. How could I not?" Kate wished she could believe she was his reason but hoped she could one day wish whoever he had fallen in love with well.
"And what was the magic that convinced Anthony Bridgerton to change his mind?" Kate teased, but she was genuinely curious how Anthony had managed to meet a girl this season between helping her and managing his infinite siblings. Instead of answering Kate, annoyingly, Anthony untangled himself and Kate felt the loss of his weight and heat immediately. He looked down at her with an indecipherable look then tilted her chin up with the crook of his finger.
"You know full well what you do to me." His soft voice disappeared into the wind, but his strong tone reached her nonetheless. Anthony shook his head at her as he brushed the grass and dirt off his trousers and walked back to the manor. Kate was just as confused now as when she arrived at the lake and significantly more confused than when she arrived at Aubrey Hall. She was missing something, that much was obvious, but she had no indication as to what the area of interest may be. Perhaps he had manages to infer her hopeless girlish crush and was attempting to reject her subtly? Maybe he was hinting at intentions to make a move on Edwina? That would explain why he had invited them here early, an invitation she knew full well, that any other member of the ton would have killed for. She hoped, rather immaturely, he would continue to be so vague so she may continue to project her desires on to him, pretending that she had a chance.
She sprawled out on the picnic blanket he hand left behind and unabashedly dug a fork into one of the little cakes in the basket. While her life was so idyllic she thought she should take full advantage. Once Edwina had married Kate would have to return to India to a life of loneliness and labour. She had never felt so selfish in her life.