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Another day in class, mostly dissociating, catching parts of the lesson here and there. It tends to happen a lot since I’m always really tired and anxious, a terrible mix. Classes are basically the time where I shutdown so I can be somewhat alive the rest of the time, it doesn’t sound great but it’s not really my choice. The day rushes past me and overwhelms me so much that I just crash when I can finally sit down quietly. Let’s just say it’s a good thing I learn easily from books.
I’ve been trying to stop cutting recently, but it’s a long way to go still, I just reached one week clean today, my longest streak so far. The itching is a nightmare, I keep rubbing my wrists through my bandages, which is not satisfactory at all but it’s not like I can take my bandages off in class and I’m not supposed to be scratching my cuts in the first place.
Oh well, I just have to wait till I get home and- no. I’m not cutting anymore.
-Shun! Hey! Planet earth to Shun!
Class is over, I spaced out again.
Oh sorry, sorry.
He didn’t buy my forced smile. I’m not in the best of moods, I’ve had a hard time thinking about anything other than my cuts, I don’t know how much longer I’m going to last. I really feel awful and somehow it hurts more to not cut.
What are you stressing out about?
Nothing really, let’s just go.
I want to go home and cut.
But I can’t.
Not since I’ve made a real friend. It’s hard to believe but he proves himself times and times again. He doesn’t seem to hate me. In that way, he’s different from everyone else. It makes me want to try living, even if it hurts. The pain is not constant anymore, and even if it seems delusional to me that anyone would see something good in me, I trust Aren, so maybe, just maybe, there’s a future for me…
I don’t know, he probably just doesn’t know yet, just how awful and hopeless I am.
Walking home is tense today, I’m an awful friend, that’s why I can’t get close to anyone, I bring them down. My parents know it all too well, it’s like my mother said :
“No one will ever put up with you, the only reason we do is because we’re your parents.”
As for my dad, I haven’t seen him since the divorce. I’m too difficult. I “make a big deal out of everything” and I need to “grow up”. I’ve been told to shut up because I’m too annoying all my life and now my mom wonders why I won’t open up to her. I tried telling her, that “what’s wrong” is that nobody loves me and everything hurts, but she just got mad at me for insulting her, for accusing her of being an unloving mother. When she asks, I just say that I’ve told her already, if I say anything at all. It’s pointless, nobody ever listens… Well, I have to give credit to Aren, he listens, though I know I must be so annoying. I feel so bad whenever I notice I’ve been talking for too long.
You keep doing that
I blinked a few times, I zoned out again. I’m really a terrible friend. I really need to cut again to get myself together. I need it, it’s not fair.
Doing what?
He grabbed my wrists and I froze in place. I was rubbing them again, I do it even unconsciously.
That. You’ve been all stressed out like this the past couple days.
aah- sorry. I’ll do what I can to stop.
What are you saying? You have nothing to apologize for.
Oh.
So- heum… But- I… It’s just that I know I’m really annoying.
My parents ask me to stop fidgeting or humming or moving all the time. I’m unbearable to be around…
Aren sighed deeply.
There you go again-
It hurts.
You gotta stop saying stuff like that. I swear Shun, you never annoy me. I brought it up because I worry about you… I just- I notice these things because I care.
…
When did we stop walking?
I’m sorry.
The corner of his mouth curled up as he put a hand on my shoulder.
wrong answer
He’s so kind, Aren can make me smile for real, not forced like earlier. He’s really something.
right. Well, I guess I haven’t been at my best this week.
How cruelly ironic. Although, a lot of the nervousness Aren thinks he saw was just me itching. I haven’t spent all week feeling worst than usual, I’m just… At the end of my rope.
It’s an addiction after all…
sooo… You don’t want to talk about it?
…no
Sorry.
I really need to go home, I’m starting to come apart.
Well, I’m available to hear you out whenever. I’m always happy to listen to you talk.
Yeah that’s easy to say when you’ve never heard any of the fucked up shit
I lost it.
I lost it.
I never got angry at Aren before.
It just came out like that.
Because I’m a monster.
Aren’s eyes got wide and his lips parted in shock.
Wha-
I need to go home I need to go home I need to go home I need to cut I need to cut I need to bleed I-
SHUN! WAIT!
I feel sick. I don’t want to go to school today. I had to reset my clean count to zero yesterday… I’m scared, I don’t know how I’ll face Aren after running out on him like that, after what I said, after he saw me like that.
But I don’t have a choice. I just can’t miss school.
It hurts.
Does he hate me now?
Good morning!
Aren is just there. Waiting for me and greeting me like nothing’s happened…
…
good morning.
I can’t look at him. I can hardly talk.
…Shun.
Aren can make my world stop.
hey. About yesterday-
I’m sorry
My voice is always too loud or too quiet. I hope he didn’t hear my voice shaking.
…
It’s warm.
Aren. He’s holding me tight, like I matter, like I mean something.
Dammit I’m crying now.
Aren really does the craziest things.
Don’t worry about it. I’m here. I just want you to be happy.
If he held on any tighter he’d crush my bones but it feels really nice.
I don’t want to go to school today.
We walked in silence to school and the day passed by softly. I’m tired, but for a moment that hug brought me back to life, until my mind inevitably dragged me back down.
Aren convinced me to hangout after school, “to end the week on a good note”. We passed by my home and with my mom’s approval, it’s now a sleepover at Aren’s.
Hey, thanks. You’ve been so nice to me, and you were right, I’m really happy to end the week this way.
I swear he’s the ultimate antidepressant, I’m actually genuinely happy tonight.
I’m going to beat that one week streak.
I’m glad I could help. That smile would make anything worth it.
…
Did he- did he- did he just… Like, as in he complimented my smile?
Aren can make my brain stop.
ah- haha, I like to see you smile too.
I’m not blushing too hard, am I? This is embarrassing…
Aren grabbed my wrist again and the pressure with the movement of his hand against my fresh cuts made me wince in pain.
Was I doing it again? Maybe sometimes it’s anxiety.
Now I just look so weak for hurting over nothing.
Oh sorry! Didn’t mean to hurt you.
It’s okay, it’s nothing I’m just weak
That’s what I meant the other day when I told you to not say stuff like that. I don’t like when you insult someone I care about.
I- You’re too kind.
That makes two times in one day that Aren has seen me cry…
Shun, are you hurt?
I told you it was nothing!
Shun…
It’s nothing!
One of his hands is still holding one of my wrist, but gently, the other is petting my back.
I feel so weak.
Okay, it’s definitely something. You’re crying and you’re insisting that there’s nothing. You’re not a very good liar you know?
uuugghh… I- I can’t…
I’m not saying it to be mean. It’s cute.
I disconnected for a moment there, overwhelmed by my own tears… and…
Did he say I was cute?
Wait.
NO! DON’T!
That was close, he was unwrapping my bandages.
Didn’t you say your house had a seal for your black beat?
He really listens.
Please Shun, you’re hurt, let me see.
…
I’m so sorry for being a coward Aren… I feel so alone… I think I’ll let you in on the nightmare.
He took my wrist again and I didn’t protest.
I give up.
what do you mean?
resisting. I’m tired.
He took a moment before resuming his action. My words must make no sense to him right now.
I’m scared to look…
Oh. I made more than I remember, I didn’t look this morning, I wanted to pretend it wasn’t real.
But the scariest-
Fingers brushing with such gentleness it’s breathtaking.
His hands got softer as he went to unwrap the other wrist, despite the fact he was already so gentle to begin with. Maybe it’s the air held in our lungs.
I’m sorry, I didn’t want to hurt you, but I gave up. I’m sorry for letting you see.
But the scariest-
I made him cry
is to look at his face.
Never say you’re sorry for hurting.
Another embrace, reminiscent of this morning, but with a touch of despair. It’s bittersweet.
I don’t have the energy to be sorry for wetting his shoulder, but it seems like we’re even on that one.
Why?
I tried to say it before,
I’ve lived a life where nobody loves me and everything hurts. For a moment, the only thing that hurts are the cuts and that’s so much less. I can breathe, I can sleep, and it’s not “all in my head” anymore. It’s a bit like crying, when crying is not enough.
That’s not true
-but nobody ever listens.
I love you.
Shun, I love you with all my heart.
Even my mother couldn’t say as much.
Aren… You’re the only one who listens. You’re the only one who holds me like this, the only one who-
loves me.
I love you so much. And it hurts because I want you to be happy.
I’m happy when I’m with you.
But you’re crying.
Because I love you. And that makes me happy. Seeing you hurt, it doesn’t take that away. You’re worth loving.
I think I cried as much as my body ever could.
…
It’s so simple.
You’re worth loving.
That’s all I needed. I just wanted to not be alone, for someone to listen to my pain, for someone to care. When people give up at step one, when they won’t listen, won’t help, won’t try to understand, won’t even comfort you when it hurts… Nothing.
You’re worth loving
When no one can even say anything close to this…
It feels like maybe,
maybe…
You’re not worth loving.
My eyes are swollen, I’m a mess, but we settled ourselves and Aren listened as I opened up a bit, about the things that hurt, the stains in my memories and the harshness of the world.
Aren listened because he cares.
Somebody cares.
That’s going to be a challenge with those cuts, he’s set on disinfecting them. I never care for them properly because I never cared for myself.
How long have you been…
A bit over a year, but I’m trying to stop. I’m not very far along thought… It’s heum… It’s an addiction. You start because you’re desperate, but then you find yourself cutting on a schedule and you can’t stop.
It’s gonna sting a bit.
I hardly bit that scream. Just, casually breathing through my teeth as he cleans the first wrist.
That’s one done! I’ll be cheering you on, whatever I can do to help.
I was going to reply with something but I was cut off my Aren pressing a gentle kiss on my cuts before moving on.
I’m sure I look stupid. I don’t think I’ve processed the confession from earlier. That happened right?
I think it’s mostly finding a distraction whilst the urge passes and something else to replace it for when it hurts… Though it’s frustrating because nothing’s quite the same.
I’d argue that’s a good thing.
haha yeah… I guess you’re right. I’ve been writing, or drawing when I can’t think. Like I said, it’s not the same, but it allowed me to last one week! Although I just broke that streak… It’s the best I’ve dooo-one
Was that worst than the first one? I sound so stupid.
You didn’t warn me!
Sorry, I figured maybe it would help that you were distracted.
It’s okay, I don’t think it made much of a difference.
And he kissed this one too. I don’t deserve this.
There, all good.
I’m shaking… Once he’s done wrapping my bandages…
He said he loved me right? I’m not insane? I mean I am but… And I- I also told him I loved him. And he kissed my wounds… So that’s like, I didn’t imagine this. What does that mean? Is he going to say anything?
His hands are soft.
It’s intimate and oh so kind, the way his hand plays with mine and brushes up my arm.
My poor heart’s been working so hard already, but right now, it doesn’t feel bad.
-
His hand cupped my cheek and I looked down because my face was burning. He tilted my chin back up and looked at me deep. I don’t think there are words for this, that’s why you just stare in silence. He got closer and I stumbled, grabbed a handful of his shirt by the collar. His heart was beating loudly. His fingers dug in my hair and I closed my eyes from the sweetness of it all.
He kissed me.
He kissed me like I was the most delicate thing in the world and we breathed.
I don’t know who gave the second kiss, but…
We didn’t leave any space between our bodies and in that moment I didn’t care about anything.
I’ve never felt better.
I don’t want his body to leave mine.
-
When you said… that I was worth loving…
I’m holding on to you and never letting go.
Can you say it again?
His body speaks, it makes me believe.
I’ll say it as much as you want. You’re worth loving. You’re worth loving. I’m so glad that I love you.
I love you
I love you.