Archive of Our Own

“kenma do you know how much written porn there is about you” 

The message lights up Kenma’s phone screen like a beacon. He doesn’t even have to guess who it is: there’s only one person in the world who would inquire such things at three a.m. 

“no, i do not”

“because i’m normal” 

Kuroo doesn’t take that as a hint, because of course he wouldn’t. 

“53,240 separate works!”

“i mean not all of them are porn but plenty are” 

Kuroo, helpfully, sends a screenshot. Kenma’s eyes glaze over. 

“do you wanna know what the top ships are?”

“what the hell is ships” 

“it’s short for relationships! it means who your fans want to see you fucking” 

“how long have you been researching this” 

“for the past five hours” 

“don’t you have work in the morning”

“irrelevant”

“anyway the top ones are you and like other random youtubers”

“ones you’ve collabed with mostly”

“there’s some joke ones with you and political figures”

“the second most popular ship is us, actually!”

“there’s also some about you and hinata” 

“those are freaky because the writers are really dedicated like they researched both of you”

“like there’s references to high school?? although most of it’s inaccurate”

“you read them?”

“look one was literally tagged dumpster battle”

“i had to check it out”

“that one actually has you get an injury and hinata nurses you back to health” 

“and like it’s super tragic because you have to quit volleyball and you’re super sad like you’re crying in his arms and he’s telling you that he’ll go on to become an olympic athlete as a dedication to you”

“what the hell” 

“dude i teared up”

“if only you cared this much” 

“do you want the link?”

“why would i want that” 

“clear your name”

“tell them your love of volleyball has been greatly exaggerated” 

“i’m not doing that”

“man i should write one”

“that’s as close to what actually happened as possible” 

“that would be so funny”

“nobody would ever know”

“have you ever considered getting a life” 

“never.” 

***

Inbox (1) 

the REAL kuroo tetsuro (Guest) on except you, you can stay

great fic. cried like a bitch at the ending. except kenma would never give this much of a shit about volleyball. sorry. also was the blowjob scene really necessary in the middle of nationals? 

***

leah | new in pinned @kdzhn_10

look guys ik this is probably a troll but this got me thinking what if they do find our slop one day. like that’s so mortifying 

[screenshot attached]

ren!! ^_^ @kh_babygirl

i doubt they know what ao3 is. imagine being a threadfic author tho braver than the troops 

leah | new in pinned @kdzhn_10

literally one @ and it’s over. i’d kms 

***

“all i’m saying is it would be really funny”

“i can just go and blackout all the shit that might get you banned” 

“and make sure it’s completely stream friendly”

For a week straight, Kuroo has been late to work to various degrees, because his evenings have been taken up by. Research. 

“and all i’m saying is you should stop reading porn about you and your best friend because it’s weird as hell”

“look not all of it is porn”

“there’s one really good one with this like disease that you get when you’re in love with someone and they don’t love you back you start growing flowers in your lungs until you choke and die” 

“and you can get a surgery to remove it but then you’ll never love that person again” 

“and you’re in love with me and you can’t bring yourself to say it and you’re about to get the surgery and sacrifice our love when i burst in at the last moment and it turns out i’ve been having that disease too because i was in love with you the entire time and we just didn’t tell each other” 

“and then we get married and i give birth to three of your babies” 

“you what”

“yeah that part was kind of glossed over i’m not sure what the world building there is” 

***

Inbox (24)

the actual kuroo (Guest) on please don’t say you love me  

wait can you elaborate on the men being able to give birth part 

crowsfeet on please don’t say you love me

[link to Wikipedia page titled Omegaverse]

***

chirp @enbykittie

who the hell is teaching pee paw about mpreg

[attached screenshot]

~Link~ (18+) @twink_hole

Can you people please stop fearmongering about content creators finding your fanfiction because someone’s anonymously pretending to be Kuroo? If a cc deliberately seeks out upsetting content of themselves, that’s their problem. They can block and move on 

~Link~ (18+) @twink_hole

It’s honestly really upsetting to see young authors forget the most important rule of fandom: don’t like don’t watch. This discourse is so dumb. No, you’re not a freak for openly fantasizing about a celebrity you find hot. This has been happening since the dawn of time. 

chirp @enbykittie

it was a joke. chill 

***

It has been two weeks since Kenma last knew peace. 

“do you know what nesting is” 

“I DONT CARE”

“you’re going to get fired and you’ll deserve it”

“nah they love me too much”

“kenma do you think i’m an alpha or an omega” 

“i guess i could be a beta but that would be boring”

“i think you’re a FREAK” 

“look these are your fans”

“the most dedicated ones at that” 

“the most dedicated ones are the ones who watch my excel streams”

“ok well i guess it’s a spectrum” 

“either way they put a lot of care into this”

“i just think you should show them some appreciation” 

“i don’t think they want it” 

“but it would be FUNNY!” 

***

My pseuds: 

mister_pawsome

I joined on:

2021-04-18

My user ID is:

6274017

Bio

Kuroo Tetsuro’s official account. I am not joking. 

***

Kodzuken @kodzuken

Sorry to all, but Kuroo will not appear on stream today because I do not like him 

pookie era @kodzuroo

we are being robbed 

***

“apparently hinata knows about fanfiction”

“did you know him and kageyama’s ship name is kagehina?”

“our ship name sucks”

“there’s not even a consensus on one”

“what the fuck is kodzuroo”

“do not bring shoyo into this”

“i need at least one normal friend please”

“he has never been normal for one”

“for two apparently he didn’t even read a single one”

“so don’t worry”

“i did tell him a bit about omegaverse he seemed intrigued” 

“please die”

“i can find you one without porn to read on stream”

“just a lot of weird homoerotic hand touching” 

“i’m not ever acknowledging this shit publicly”

“you’ll come around to it”

“you’ll see my vision”

“your numbers would skyrocket”

“i can’t wait until i can drop you off at a nursing home and never talk to you again”

***

polly @flowerpower

rpf is weird as hell 

[quote retweet of a template that says ‘what streamer opinion would have you like this?’ attached to an image of a guy surrounded by swords]

Dani @problemadult

2020 ruined fandoms jesus christ

[quote retweet of the above tweet by polly @flowerpower]

[both of the above tweets have a disproportionate amount of quote retweets and comments. both accounts go private after 11 hours of both tweets being up]

***

Inbox (57)

mister_pawsome on tears ricochet

kenma would NOT agree to carry a child to term are you kidding me. his sleeping schedule would be extremely unhealthy for the baby and he could never give up energy drinks. kuroo, on the other hand, is much more family oriented and would actually be able to make the sacrifices necessary to be a good father both pre and post labour. kenma hates pain, while kuroo is strong enough mentally to endure it for the sake of their twins. 

Kaleidoscope_Pupils on tears ricochet

dude, what’s your problem? if you don’t like my headcanons you can just read something else. or better yet just write your own fic where kuroo is pregnant 

mister_pawsome on tears ricochet  

i’m literally just giving constructive criticism. you’re mischaracterising them. 

Kaleidoscope_Pupils on tears ricochet

the fuck you mean mischaracterising? neither of us know them 

mister_pawsome on tears ricochet

yes the fuck i do??? read my bio 

Kaleidoscope_Pupils on tears ricochet  

who the fuck puts anything in their ao3 bio. grandpa take your fucking meds 

***

callie | check pinned @Kaleidoscope_Pupils 

PSA to all writers in the Kodzuken fandom, there’s an ao3 user going around claiming to be Kuroo and being extremely rude under all fics they deem ‘inaccurate’. It is most definitely a troll, so don’t panic, just block them. They’ll get bored and move onto something else.

Warren (18+) @gasstationhunk

this is what fucking happens when zoomers join fandom without any sense of etiquette. DONT LIKE DONT READ!

***

The only reason Kenma still hasn’t blocked Kuroo is because in that scenario Kuroo would just show up to his house and yap his ear off in person, which would be infinitely worse.

“PLEASE tell me i’m right like out of the two of us there’s no way you’d be the one pregnant” 

“why are you actually getting heated over this” 

“becuase i’m right????”

“i should actually start writing stuff myself nobody gets it” 

“maybe because they don’t fucking know you?”

“EXACTLY”

“and they all get mad at me even though i’m literally doing them such a favor”

“i hope you get banned” 

***

Kuroo is scrolling through this week’s additions to his new favorite web page, trying to get inspiration for his own masterpiece. He’s yet undecided on how many children they’ll have: would he really be willing to withstand labour more than once? He never really experienced it, but it must hurt. Would it hurt enough he’d swear off it forever after being pregnant once? He’d have to put a lot of thought into this. 

Suddenly, his eye catches something. Two names he has never seen separated by a slash before. 

***

“hinata”

“they’re shipping us” 

“to WHERE”

***

fran @frankiezzz

where the hell did hinata/kuroo even come from? why the fuck is kodzuken a background character all of a sudden?? have they even met 

lee | KRHN SUPREMACY @ghostbitexx

someone never watched the battle of the garbage dump 

fran @frankiezzz

yeah because i’m a fucking kodzuken stan not a volleyball nerd??? go back to your edits of sweaty men loving balls or whatever 

lee | KRHN SUPREMACY @ghostbitexx

is that? homophobia? really? 

brutus <OT3 week> @craneflex

guys. they all have two hands !!!!

***

“hiiii kenma !!!” 

“hi shoyo”

“what’s up” 

“you know kuroo has been talking to me about something” 

“oh my god”

“not you too”

“please”

“i’m begging you”

“look i just think it could be a little harmless fun!! i haven’t been on one of your streams in forever and we haven’t hung out in a while in general” 

“so i think this could be a funny way to spend some time together :)” 

Kenma has to resist throwing his phone against the wall with all his might. Instead he opens his chat with Kuroo and types with unbridled rage. 

“fuck you fuck you fuck you”

“you know i can’t say no to him you sleazy fuck”

“go fuck yourself like actually” 

“:3” 

***

Kodzuken @kodzuken 

Special stream today with two special guests. This was NOT my idea 

georgie @petalz_fountain

i’m so fucking scared?

***

Kenma has his eyes drilled ahead of him, forcefully not looking at chat. On either side of him are Kuroo and Hinata, looking way more enthusiastic than him. 

“Hi everyone!” Hinata smiles, which is all he can say before Kuroo starts practically vibrating. 

“For the past month,” he begins, mania in his eyes. “I’ve been on a research journey of unimaginable magnitudes. I’ve been researching you, in plain sight, and none of you even entertained the idea that it was me.”

He triumphantly flashes his phone, open on the page of ao3 user mister_pawsome. Several viewers have heart attacks, surely. 

“And today is the day,” Kuroo continues, spreading his hands with grandeur. “We will sample some of the best masterpieces you have on offer, curated by yours truly!” 

“I hate this as much as all of you,” Kenma says to the camera, looking like he’s being held at gun point. 

“This is going to be fun!” Hinata grins, the only participant not understanding the apocalyptic stakes at hand. 

***

callie @Kaleidoscope_Pupils 

is it too late to kill myself 

*** 

Kuroo starts off strong: the first work is a one thousand word vignette on what the author imagines happened between Kenma and Hinata after the fated volleyball match from 2013, with Kenma and Hinata playing themselves and Kuroo standing in as narrator. 

Kuroo has, of course, printed off all the required reading for today, on his work printer, no less, and Kenma is clutching his script like he’s about to rip it up and eat it. His line delivery is so stilted he sounds somewhere between constipated and physically gagged. 

“As the spiker grabbed the scrawnier setter by the wrists, he was so glad they decided to hide from peering eyes in the less crowded hallway, because now, nobody was there to comment on the way his hungry eyes lingered on Kenma’s lips, on the quick tongue catching a bead of sweat in the corner of his mouth,” Kuroo is so insanely into it he is putting on his most theatrical, emphatic voice possible. Beside him Kenma looks like he’s about to explode. 

“Is it true?” Hinata’s reading could use some work, considering he’s doing the same chipper tone regardless of the intimacy of the scene. “That you had fun?”

“Yes,” Kenma hisses through his teeth. 

“I can show you something even more fun!” Hinata exclaims, despite the fact that the text indicates the line was supposed to be whispered. 

“The lips of the two boys crash like they were waiting for this moment since they laid eyes on each other, like they’re both dying of thirst,” Kuroo wipes away a fake tear, earning him a classic Kenma glare. “Kenma wraps his arms around Hinata’s neck, as if he never wants to let go, and Hinata thinks he could live in this moment forever.”

***

feya @kodzufey

am i the only one who thinks this stream is kind of fucked up? 

robbie @crimiminal

i’d be more comfortable watching my parents divorce again :(

***

“I think that was pretty accurate,” Hinata nods after finishing the story, as if he didn’t just read several pages of himself making out with his best friend. 

“No it fucking wasn’t?” Kenma stares at Hinata wide eyed. He looks like he’s just been stabbed in the back. “We never did that?” 

“Well, yeah, we didn’t, but like, metaphorically,” Hinata tries to explain. “I think the thematic core was there.”

“What the actual fuck are you talking about?”

“Well, that was a lovely read!” Kuroo grins directly into the camera. “Thank you very much, Archive of Our Own user sunflowers_in_may!”

***

feya @kodzufey

actually, fuck it, thread: this stream is extremely fucked up 

feya @kodzufey

first of all kodzuken is clearly uncomfortable, he literally said it wasn’t his idea meaning someone (most likely kuroo) is forcing him to do this live. this is an extreme invasion of privacy and breaking of boundaries 

feya @kodzufey

second of all, kuroo is shouting out the authors? i bet all my teeth none of them consented to this, and now they’re sending waves of harassment towards people who literally didn’t do anything except be teenagers hyper fixated on their favorite streamer

feya @kodzufey

i’d recommend all authors either orphan their works or at least make them anonymous. and take off any of your other social media off your ao3 account so it can’t be traced back to anywhere else. 

feya @kodzufey

kuroo is being extremely irresponsible in how he’s handling this, this is a violation of several people on several levels. he’s also being a terrible friend to kodzuken 

feya @kodzufey

honestly? i’m extremely disappointed. fuck kuroo. 

***

The next work is slightly longer, and this time it’s a peek into a hypothetical family life of Kuroo and Kenma and their three kids. 

“This one is actually the last installment of a trilogy, about presumed unrequited love and tragedy with a happy ending,” Kuroo explains. “The first part would’ve been too long, and originally I wanted to read the second part, which is concerned with me giving birth, but it focused on me too heavily and I, as a generous soul, wanted to share the spotlight.”

Hinata is an overly enthusiastic narrator, happy to insert “aw, that’s cute!” and “wow!” in between lines, but his commentary is limited, especially compared to Kuroo’s. 

“Kenma is in the kitchen, in just his underwear and an apron, diligently frying five omelettes to enjoy together,” Hinata reads out. 

“Kenma wouldn’t do that,” Kuroo cuts in. “He’s a terrible cook and also lazy. I’d be in charge of nutrition in our household. Right, Kenma? You wouldn’t cook for me even if I gave birth to your children?” 

“I’m not fucking answering that.”

“He would probably order takeout,” Hinata provides. 

“You’re right! He’d spend atrocious amounts of money on breakfast sandwiches every day,” Kuroo nods sagely. “And give in whenever the kids want McDonald’s. Kenma, you’d be a really bad influence on our twins.” 

“Good thing we won’t ever have children together,” Kenma grumbles. “Or get together. Or fucking pine for each other.” 

“Would you have kids with me Kenma?” Hinata asks. 

“No.”

“Aw.” 

***

sage @urfavehorrorterror

this is the best day of my fucking life. all the rpf freaks get confirmation their streamer hates their fucking guts. kuroo you’re my king 

*** 

“Also, I would not suggest getting a cat,” Kuroo continues passionately correcting any mistakes he sees in the author’s portrayal of his character. “I’m actually a dog person.”

“I think you’d warm up to a cat,” Hinata eagerly participates in the discussion. “You’d be the dad that dotes on the pet they claimed they don’t want.”

“I mean, sure, but it wouldn’t be my idea,” Kuroo nods. 

“Are we done with this one?” Kenma asks, begging for sweet release. 

“Yes!” Kuroo flicks through more of the papers he had prepared. “All in all, nice fic, making me the one pregnant was a good call. Not enough kissing, I’m an affectionate person even if Kenma isn’t. Oh, yeah, and Kenma is way grumpier in the mornings.”

“The kids were cute!” Hinata says. “I think you guys would make great girl dads.”

Kuroo says “thank you Hinata!” at the same time as Kenma says “leave me out of this”. 

“Oh, the next one’s fun!” Kuroo fishes out a stapled text. “Kenma, you’re narrating this one!” 

***

lee | KRHN SUPREMACY @ghostbitexx

krhn content but at what cost 

fran @frankiezzz

i cant fucking believe that fucking k*hn might survive this?? why are they so into this. what the fuck is wrong with them. this stream isn’t real. am i in hell? 

***

“Kenma was streaming just a wall a way, but neither men cared how much of a disturbance they were being as they laughed into each other’s lips– I can’t fucking read this,” Kenma is going through all the stages of grief having to read about his two best friends groping each other in front of a live audience. 

“Please, Kenma, we’re almost at the good part!” Hinata begs. 

“Yeah, come on!” Kuroo eggs on. “It’s not that bad.” 

“Why are you both into this? Why would you be making out in my house? While I stream?”  

“Because the author was nice and wanted you to feel included,” Hinata smiles. 

“I don’t want to feel included,” Kenma sounds like he’s going to break out into sobs. 

“Get back to reading!”

“Kuroo grabs the small of Hinata’s back and kisses his jaw as Hinata’s hips buckle– Kuroo you said this didn’t have any porn!” Kenma almost shrieks. 

“It’s not porn!” Kuroo insists. “How soft are you? We’re all adults here, and I very nicely made you not read about me giving birth!”

“I’m going to kill both of you,” Kenma mutters feverishly. “You both are dead to me.” 

***

ty | comms open @sloppy_toppy 

@TKuroo_JVA if you pay me like five dollars i’ll write one about hinata impregnating you 

rob @crystallinemadness

WHY WOULD YOU @ HIM? ON THE PROFESSIONAL ACCOUNT? 

lizzie @gnomepocalypse

oomf i can’t keep defending you 

ollie @sharkteez

@friendshap_e @lofigowrl yall follow?

***

“That was awful,” Kenma concludes after the last lines of the fanfiction are forced out of him. 

“Do you have any suggestions for improvement?” Kuroo grins. “Any inaccuracies?” 

“If it was accurate it would be a slasher about me brutally executing both of you for desecrating my house.” 

“That’s an idea for someone to write!” Hinata smiles. 

“Someone in chat, get on that!” Kuroo commands, despite Kenma’s vehement protests. 

***

izzy @dandellionsi_nmay

okay i literally cranked it out as fast as i could sorry for any mistakes or typos my hand is going to stay cramped for months #KRHN

[link to an ao3 page]

robbie @crimiminal

oh. that’s gore. that’s gore of my comfort volleyball player :( 

***

“I saved the best for last,” Kuroo proudly announces, which should raise a million warning flags immediately. 

“Why are some of the later pages blacked out?” Kenma stares with seething anger at the lines censored with a black marker, and then directs that gaze at Kuroo. “Kuroo.” 

“We’re in too deep now,” Kuroo grins, and possibly the only reason Kenma doesn’t pounce on him is because excessive violence would get him banned from the streaming platform. 

“Who is this one about?” Hinata asks, even him, the resilient ray of sunshine, looking intimidated by the amount of redacted text. 

“All of us!” 

Kenma and Hinata stare at Kuroo. 

“Like… all of us together?” Hinata quirks an eyebrow. 

“Yes,” Kuroo nods feverishly. Kenma makes a mental note to take him to a psychiatrist after this. 

Hinata says “that’s so cool!” at the same time as Kenma says “I’m killing myself right now”. 

***

anna (i’m not sorry) @notsafeforcops

you know what i don’t even care. i wrote that one. i will admit this with pride 

jack (NSFW DNI!!!) @minecraftlife

what are you proud of? being a massive weirdo?

anna (i’m not sorry) @notsafeforcops

yes? i’m literally watching this with a glass of wine and dick in hand 

jack (NSFW DNI!!!) @minecraftlife

tw // alcohol and nsfw in tweet above 

you’re literally such a freak?? go touch grass jesus christ 

anna (i’m not sorry) @notsafeforcops

hoes mad kuroo jerks off to my porn and not yours 

***

“Then, Hinata takes Kuroo’s – blank – in his hand and presses it against Kenma’s – blank – and – blank… this is really hard to read,” Hinata is so concentrated on trying to decipher the lines in front of him he’s making the same face he makes in a match when he’s about to serve. 

“Kuroo is, uh, blank, and then, blank, fuck, blank, he says,” Kuroo is putting on a valiant effort of continuing to be as emphatic as possible despite getting to the part in the story where every single sentence is incomprehensible. 

“Kenma blank, blank, blank, blank, Hinata blank, Kenma blank, blank, blank, blank,” Kenma’s grimace had long turned from disgust to genuine confusion. “This entire paragraph is blacked out.” 

“And I was so invested in the plot,” Hinata sighs. “Did the conflict really have to resolve through graphic sex?”

“Well, yeah, that’s the entire point,” Kuroo shrugs, and continues attempting to read: “There is a moment in which Kuroo thinks that blank, blank, but then Kenma blank–“

“Kenma kisses Hinata on the mouth,” Kenma reads with the most neutral expression he’s made this entire stream. “That’s the next actually intelligible sentence on here.” 

“I’m trying to look in the description to try and understand what’s happening,” Hinata says, flicking through pages to the very first one. “What the fuck is sounding?” 

***

Atsumu Miya @Miya_Atsumu_Official 

dawg what the fuck is my teammate doing 

***

“So, that was the last piece of literature for today,” Kuroo says after half an hour of trying to make anything comprehensible out of completely censored pages. The last line was some kind of metaphor about celestial bodies and nobody could figure out how that’s related to anything that preceded it. 

“I’m never doing this again,” Kenma has had his head buried in his hands for the past fifteen minutes. 

“That was an eventful stream,” the glint of enthusiasm is now completely gone from Hinata’s eyes. He looks like a changed man. 

“Do you guys wanna guess what that last one was called?”

“What?” 

“‘My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations’.”

“No fucking way.” 

***

Hinata Shoyo @ninjashoyo

Thank you for coming to the stream today. You all have very interesting minds. 

Kodzuken @kodzuken 

Kuroo is now forever banned from appearing on my streams due to his recent hospitalization at a psychiatric institution. Very sorry to be the bringer of bad news 

Kuroo @TKuroo_JVA

stop spreading misinformation i’m alive well and free 

fran @frankiezzz

can someone k*ll this guy 

***

mister_pawsome

Recent Bookmarks 

21 May 2021

my thoughts are stars i cannot fathom into constellations by not_safefor_cops

Video Blogging RPF , Sports RPF

Kodzuken | Kenma/Kuroo Tetsuro , Kodzuken | Kenma/Hinata Shoyo , Kuroo Tetsuro/Hinata Shoyo , Kodzuken | Kenma/Kuroo Tetsuro/Hinata Shoyo , Kodzuken | Kenma , Hinata Shoyo , Kuroo Tetsuro , Polyamory , Threesome , PWP , Anal Sex , Multiple Orgasms , Frottage , Making Out , Sounding , Double Penetration , Foot Fetish , some angst , Crying , Bondage , Aftercare , Scent Kink , Volleyball Off-Season , Boys Kissing , edit: to everyone telling me to delete this go fuck yourself you’ll never be as parasocial as i am with kuroo tetsuro 

***

Kuroo @TKuroo_JVA

wait what the fuck is a callout post