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Jisung sat on the couch in the same place he always sat. He tapped his fingers on his journal and impatiently waited for Minho to sit next to him. It was day 10 of Jisung’s intensive outpatient program, and he had made more progress than he could have ever imagined in such a short time. By no means was he a master of his emotions, but he was significantly better at being able to identify them and start matching coping strategies to help instead of just writing everything down. As helpful as his journal was, he wanted to learn how to live without it so he didn’t overly panic if he misplaced it.
Vincent thought it would be a good idea to bring Minho back in after he and Jisung worked on some breathing exercises the session before, since he knew Jisung missed seeing Minho everyday at school. Minho would visit him after program in the evenings, but, for Jisung, it was never enough. Not only would it be a good bonding opportunity, which Jisung only heard as flirting, but also a way for Minho to be more involved in Jisung’s treatment.
“Jisung, we’re going to be sitting on the floor today.” Jisung looked up at Vincent, sunk deeply into the couch as he was for most of their sessions, and frowned. He barely leaned forward to look over at Minho, who was sitting in the center of a rug that Jisung never noticed before, and sunk deeper into his comfortable spot on the couch. “Yes, that’s new.”
“It looks tacky.” Jisung complained, looking suspiciously at the fuzzy rug that had a color pattern reminiscent of what Jisung imagined disco ball puke might look like.
“Come on, Jisungie.” Minho teased, pulling Jisung off the couch and into his arms. “It’s comfortable at least.”
“Okay,” Vincent sat on the floor next to his desk, so as not to hover over them. “First, I want you two to sit back to back.”
Jisung quickly snuggled into Minho’s lap like they did at lunch, and made an annoyed noise in response to Vincent’s request. “But I’m comfy.”
“Jisung? How are you feeling right now?”
“Grumpy.” Jisung instantly responded, just like they had worked on. They often talked in group therapy about how the first reaction to an emotion is usually correct. It was mainly a tool to help Seungmin, who struggled to identify any emotions, but it ended up helping Jisung too, who often had too many at the same time to parse out which one was most prominent. “And nervous too.”
“Well,” Vincent said in his patient and caring way, “these exercises are meant to help anxiety. Remember how well they worked yesterday?”
“Yeah.”
“And we agreed that it would be a good way for Minho to be helpful?”
“He already is helpful.”
“Oh, Jisungie.” Minho kissed Jisung’s forehead and easily moved him onto the carpet, turning around so they were back to back. “You know I always want to be more helpful.
“Yeah, I know. Sorry, Min.” Jisung pushed himself back into Minho so they could have as much contact as possible.
“It’s okay. I still love you.”
“Love you too.”
“This is perfect!” Vincent exclaimed, startling Jisung to become more present than he was. “Stay right where you are and just focus on each other breathing. Take deep breaths, nice and slow.”
“It’s not working.”
Minho trapped Jisung’s arms so he couldn’t go back to his comfort zone on the couch. “Give it a chance, Sungie.”
Jisung audibly pouted after a few attempts at breathing deeply, and Minho couldn’t help but smile. “I want to look at you.”
“Okay, let’s try something else. Go ahead and look at each other.” Vincent looked and sounded undeterred, and that made Jisung feel moderately better. He turned around to see Minho wearing his favorite soft and in-love look. “Sit close to one another, plug one nostril on the other person, and then breathe through your nose.”
Jisung turned to his left and scoffed, giving Vincent a wide-eyed stare. “What?”
“Okay, this sounds fun.” Minho pushed himself towards Jisung, forcing their crossed knees to touch, and booped his nose before shoving his right index finger to close Jisung’s left nostril. “Do me now.”
Jisung snickered, feeling the air only come out of one nostril. “Gladly.”
He mirrored his boyfriend’s position, focusing only on his breathing and Minho’s face. Jisung was incredibly grateful that Minho was still around, despite seeing him at his worst. Their confession to one another just one week ago was such a pivotal moment in Jisung’s life, and Minho’s commitment to be whatever he needed seemed impossible to believe. His fellow group therapy members also reminded Jisung that he wasn’t alone in his struggles. He didn’t have to hide anymore, and he could trust his friends, old and new, to help him fight the urge to return to the dark corners of his mind.
“That’s it.” Vincent whispered, gently breaking the silence. “Do you notice how your breathing has slowed down and evened out? Now switch sides.”
Jisung switched the pressure on Minho’s nose from left to right, finger to thumb. He made sure to be gentle, even though he knew Minho wouldn’t complain if he was bothered by it. “I can’t believe this is working.”
“It’s called alternate nostril breathing, which is common in yoga.” Vincent explained. “Its goal is to help you focus on being in the moment.”
“But I don’t like that.”
“It’s not all that bad.” Minho smiled at Jisung’s pout, switching from finger to thumb himself. “It will get better.”
Jisung didn’t look convinced, but he felt better than he did earlier in the day. They continued on for several minutes, exchanging smiles and giggles of a young couple in love.
“I want you to try one more.” Vincent cut in, moving back to his desk chair to give them more room. “Lay on your sides, facing each other, and put your hand over the other’s heart.”
Jisung’s eyes narrowed, worried about how intimate this would be in front of his therapist. Plugging nostrils was one thing, but full on cuddling like they did on Jisung’s bed felt weird. It reminded him of the night Minho stayed with him after the incident that brought him to this program in the first place. Minho could tell Jisung was getting lost in his mind and gently cupped his chin.
“Are you okay to do this now?” Jisung gave a tiny nod. “Are you sure? We can try later.”
“I’m good.” Jisung whispered, curling himself to match the outer edge of the rug to stay off the floor. “Just memories of, you know.”
Minho reached behind him towards the couch to grab two pillows and put one under Jisung’s head before he laid down as well. “Oh, Sungie.” He kissed the back of Jisung’s hand before resting it over his heart. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”
“Your heartbeat. It’s so fast.” Jisung focused on the warmth of Minho’s hand on his chest, not wanting to remember what happened only a few weeks ago.
“Of course! I get nervous and excited around you too.”
“Nervous?”
“Yeah. Nervous.” Minho put on his best reassuring smile. “I want to make sure I’m not making things worse.”
Jisung looked befuddled. “You could never make things worse, Min. You’ve only made things better for me.” He broke eye contact with Minho and realized his restlessness from earlier had calmed down significantly. “You saved me.”
“You said you wouldn’t have hurt…”
“Not from that, specifically. I wouldn’t have.” Jisung clarified, a sharp spike of panic in his voice. “It’s just…there’s more safety features now.”
“Safety features?” Minho took advantage of the fact that Jisung was still looking away and looked at Vincent for some help. He waved his hand in a circle, which confused Minho more. “What does that mean?”
“You know the roller coaster?” Minho nodded, encouraging him to continue even though Jisung didn’t see it. “I don’t know. The bolts are a little tighter. The wood’s not quite as rotten. It’s not completely safe yet. I don’t think it ever will be. But it doesn’t feel that out of control anymore.” Jisung looked up at Minho, elated that he always patiently listened to Jisung’s silly analogies. “It’s maybe rideable.”
Minho wiggled his eyebrows and pushed towards Jisung with his back leg to get close to his ear. “Am I maybe rideable?”
Jisung squealed, half in delight and half disgust. “That’s not the point!”
“Jisung!” Vincent chastised.
“It’s Minho’s fault!”
“Minho…”
“Not my fault. It was too easy.”
“You’re too easy.”
“Gentlemen!”
Vincent’s booming voice, contrary to his normal gentle demeanor, startled both Minho and Jisung. They each felt the other’s heartbeat quicken under their fingers. Minho took charge to slow his breathing in the hopes that Jisung would follow. Even though Minho got anxious sometimes, it was nowhere near what Vincent had described to him last week about what Jisung went through. Instead of spending lunch at school with Chan and Changbin, he spent his time at the library reading different books that talked about anxiety, bipolar and cyclothymia. He wanted to learn as much as he could, but, ultimately, Jisung would have to be the one to tell him what he needed. Until he did, Minho felt more prepared everyday to be the best boyfriend he could be.
“You okay?” Jisung whispered, looking more relaxed than earlier, but with a hint of concern on his features.
Minho noticed his heartbeat was faster than what he felt under his hand and laughed quietly. “Yeah. I’m just thinking.”
“Thinking about what?”
“How to be a good boyfriend.”
“Minho,” Jisung sighed with a smile, signaling to Minho he wasn’t upset anymore. “I know it’s only been a week, but you are doing great so far.”
Minho let out the breath he was unconsciously holding. He saw Jisung’s hand visibly move underneath him. “I am?”
“Of course! You’re here in therapy with me. I’m crazy and you’re still here.” Minho narrowed his eyebrows in confusion, and Jisung shook his head so hard that his cheek made a dent in the pillow. “I know you’re probably thinking ‘of course’ or something like that, but it’s not that easy of a decision for some people.”
“Have Chan and Changbin been here yet?” The curiosity had been killing Minho, and he was too nervous to ask in choir and be overheard. Jisung’s absence had been noticed, but the three friends agreed that they would cite personal reasons and leave it at that.
“They were here a few days ago.”
Minho grinned, shocked but not surprised. “How did that go?”
“Chan and I had to explain how confusing anxiety is to Changbin.” Jisung closed his eyes, and Minho knew he was picturing the scene in his mind. “Once he got it, he threatened to beat anyone up who caused trouble.”
Minho nodded, silently chuckling to himself while feeling his chest rise and fall in time with Jisung. “We’re all here for you. Whenever you need us, okay?”
“Okay. I’ll try.”
“Just be you. Whatever happens will happen, and we’ll grow with you.” Minho moved forward to kiss Jisung’s forehead, and saw Vincent point to his wrist out of the corner of his eye as he moved away. “It’s time to go now. I love you, Jisungie.”
Jisung looked behind him to see Vincent nodding in confirmation. He sat up and reached his hand out to help Minho sit up too. “I love you too, Min.”
Jisung looked deep into Minho’s eyes and, for the moment, felt a sliver of hope and an internal sense of peace. As long as he has his friends, old and new, and remembers to breathe, he knows it’s gonna be alright.