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The senioritis was strong with Minho. He and senioritis were of one mind, and that one mind was telling him to be done with all schoolwork ever! Unfortunately, he had an English essay to research, and that meant visiting the library to find the proper books for sources. Minho was a bit old-fashioned in that he preferred books over reading information online. Jisung told him all the time he thought it was cute, poking Minho’s cheek to get his attention when he wanted a kiss in the middle of being absorbed in whatever book was under his nose.
Wiping sleep out of his eyes (because who schedules Senior English Lit before lunch?), he stumbled through the main door from the hallway towards the rows of books, scuffing his sneakers into the carpet. Before he could control where he was headed, his feet took him to a familiar cushioned chair. His body fell back onto the soft fabric, landing not on his boyfriend, like he usually did, but instead on something that hurt.
“Oww!” Minho yelped, earning a harsh look from the head librarian at the desk across from him. Even though he’s here often, he can’t remember the woman’s name this early. He grimaced as he reached underneath him for the foreign object.
But, upon closer inspection, this was no foreign object.
A dark blue cover of a 3-subject notebook met Minho’s eyes. They widened as his suspicions were all but confirmed when he peeked at the inside cover.
The initials “HJS” were written in blue pen, outlined over and again from his boyfriend, probably zoning out before writing anything down. As much as Minho tried to respect Jisung’s boundaries, he proudly showed Minho the inside cover once they became official, which never failed to make Minho smile like a fool in love. He tried to hide his smile now as he traced his finger around the heart, sketched in red pen that had “+LMH” inside it. Tens of dashes of all different colors shot out from the center in every way, proper or not. The piece of art, as simple as it was, was everything Minho loved about Jisung. It was bold and messy, beautiful, yet rough around the edges, and very uniquely him.
‘You left your journal on your chair in the library!’ Minho texted his ever forgetful partner, placing his backpack over it protectively as he left to track down the necessary resources for his paper. A buzz returned suspiciously quickly. A glance down at the screen revealed ‘Haha, oops! xD’ His phone found its way to his back pocket while he looked for 19th century literary criticism in the non-fiction section. A few additional buzzes made Minho chuckle. He imagined several one-sentence texts offering his words of gratitude followed by x’s and o’s and hearts all over.
Arms heavy with “riveting” reading material, Minho walked back to Jisung’s favorite library chair. Placing the books on the plain wooden table to the right, he eagerly took out his phone to see the replies.
‘Thanks for finding it! <3 xxxooo’
‘I’m glad you found it and not some nosey creeper ~_~’
‘You can read some entries if you want, I don’t mind! <3 <3 <3’
Minho was taken aback. After Jisung got out of his outpatient program, they talked a lot about respecting one another’s boundaries, and how important it was for Jisung to have that respect to trust Minho fully. Jisung’s journal was his only coping mechanism when they first met. It was the only thing he could truly trust, even when Chan and Changbin had proven themselves to him. The journal was as sacred to Minho as Jisung himself.
‘Are you sure, Ji?’ Minho texted back, searching the index of the first book for where the “Sense and Sensibility” articles were. The familiar buzz rattled the books on the table. Minho kept his squint from trying to read the impossible-to-find page numbers over to his phone screen.
‘It’s okay! I trust you completely! <3’
‘As long as you don’t mind the cringe and Minho counter *hides*’
‘The middle section is from IOP, so that might bum you out. But the first and third sections are all the mushy stuff! xoxo’
Minho adored how openly affectionate Jisung was, either over text or in person.
‘Keep it with you, and I’ll get it from you after class. Stay there! I should probably pay attention to this frog now ewwwwwwww byeeeeeeeeeeee xxxxxxxxxxxxxoooooooooooo’
Oh, Minho remembered, Jisung was in a real class, and not in the middle of a free research day like Minho was.
Although the main reason he came here was sitting next to him, Minho couldn’t help but wonder what Jisung wrote about him. He cradled the precious notebook in his hands, leafing through the pages, fighting with himself while he did so. Minho wanted to respect Jisung’s privacy, but he did have permission to read what he wished.
Wait…Jisung’s words hit him on a delay. A Minho counter?
He opened the text chain back up and, yes, there was mention of a “Minho counter.”
Well, Minho thought to himself, I want to read that!
He was more interested in what Jisung thought of him before they officially started dating. The junior wasn’t shy in the slightest with sharing his thoughts and feelings about Minho now. He thumbed through the early pages more deliberately, scanning the words in different shades of black and blue pen, separated with a messy line in between each entry.
He wondered what Jisung’s reaction was to their first major interaction alone. Minho fondly remembers the day they walked home in the rain after Jisung ditched choir and lost track of time in the library. It was the first day he was drawn to the enigma that is Jisung, with such an unique view of the world. Minho couldn’t fathom how he could be sad one moment and elated the next, while having no insight as to why he was like that. That’s why it was a giant relief when Jisung was officially diagnosed with bipolar 2. Minho did the best he could to help Jisung through every success and struggle he had while learning more about the disorder and how it shows up in his life. He looked down at the date and began reading with less guilt than just a few moments ago.
I forgot how much I love the rain! The light taps all over my arms and head remind me that I’m alive, and that I don’t have to be sad. Though, I’m not sure which is prettier, the rain or Minho (6/19). I don’t even know if I like guys like that! Girls have never been that attractive to me, I guess. But no one, NO ONE, is as beautiful as him. I can’t even believe he came with Chan and Binnie to see if I was okay. He barely knows me and is still willing to be nice to my unstable semi-asshole self.
It’s so weird though because I think he keeps staring at me in choir…and smiling at me? He’s always turned just a little more towards me than the teacher. Kinda sus imo. I wish I could stop thinking about him, but he’s stuck to my brain like a velcro ball. A very velcro-y velcro ball.
Minho didn’t find Jisung’s words as cringe as he did his own actions. He didn’t even realize he was being that obvious with his crush on Jisung. Honestly, Minho wasn’t really aware he was crushing on the younger before their walk in the rain. Flipping through the later pages, he remembered the moment where he realized something might be there between them. The day Jisung let him in…
Well, I told Minho (11/27) today. About me. And how messed up I am.
And he didn’t leave.
He didn’t tell me to be normal. He didn’t even get mad that I kept flashing back to the last time I tried to do this, though there’s no way he would know about that!
Oh, Minho thought, that asshole. It is true that Minho didn’t know about this person, who doesn’t even deserve to be named, when their big conversation happened. Unfortunately, Minho would learn about this horrible human being who threw Jisung into a tailspin.
He contacted Jisung after their first date (he wants to read Jisung’s reaction to that too!) out of the blue. The next day at lunch, instead of sitting together and cuddling like they normally do, Jisung was nowhere to be found. Minho thought maybe he was late, but instead got worried, and decided to look for him. He rushed around the school, failing to find him in the library or the choir room. A pit grew in Minho’s stomach, and he started searching every bathroom on the first floor of the school until he saw Jisung, collapsed against the wall, beyond being consolable. It’s a true miracle that Jisung agreed to getting help at all.
I like him. I like him a lot. I want to sit with him at lunch and show him what he means to me. I want to laugh and cry with him. Show him every side of me. Not just the ups where most people like me, but the downs too. When I’m fun AND not fun to hang around with.
He seemed okay with me? That I’m not a burden to him, or that I’m magically going to become normal one day. I don’t think I can take another bait and switch again. That kind of destroyed my soul…
“Of course you’re not a burden…” Minho muttered to himself. He hated the idea that Jisung was so distraught after telling him about his struggles. He needed a happy entry! Flipping through more pages, a section jumped out at him that was in all caps.
A DATE?!?!
Did Minho (30/50) ask ME, a certified mess, ON A DATE!?!?!
I AM SO HAPPY!!!
I’m feeling butterflies and shakes and shivers all over. I couldn’t calm down all of choir, ESPECIALLY with him sitting right next to me grinning like the idiot he isn’t. Okay, maybe in math, he’s a little bit of an idiot, BUT STILL! I wanted to hug him and cuddle with him and thank him every two seconds for giving me a chance.
Oh no. OH NO! Do I own any nice clothes? Like, boyfriend quality clothes? Do you think that he thinks I’m ugly? I hope not! With how much (I think?) he secretly checks me out, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t think I’m ugly. I mean, if he checks me out that much and thinks I’m ugly, that makes him more messed up than I am.
Oh God. Holy crap. I, HAN JISUNG, am going to go ON A DATE with the HOTTEST guy I know after Chan. (Sorry Minho :/)
Wait, is Minho hotter than Chan?
No, I’m attracted to Minho, not Chan. I definitely have attractive friends, but I don’t want to make out with Chan and Changbin like I want to make out with Minho. Eww, the thought of making out with Chan or Changbin grosses me out. Man, I wish I was half as attractive as them!
Minho laughed to himself. Perhaps it was a bit too loud, as he got another glare from the head librarian. Chan and Changbin were quite attractive in their own right, but not nearly as fluffy as Jisung, who was much more Minho’s type. He flipped through excitedly to find the entry that he was sure was going to be there after their date. He noticed the pages were blank after that, probably starting with the entries from his intensive outpatient program that were incredibly vital to helping him through that experience. Perhaps he could read those another day.
‘That. was. amazing.’ He read the beginning and suddenly got nervous. It was the moment they both knew they were in love, or at least they were moving that direction. Minho could never imagine after one or two months and one date that he would fall so fast for another boy. That one moment of him holding Jisung tightly in the restaurant could seal their fate together. That it could bind them in a way where, when Jisung was spending his days in treatment instead of at school, Minho felt empty. And yet, it was possible, because it actually happened.
That. was. amazing.
Minho (34/54) is better than any drug I could imagine taking. He’s almost as good as this journal!
Almost! I swear I haven’t forgotten about you yet! <3
My head is still spinning with waves of calm and sheer excitement. I even got to journal on the way to the restaurant! Granted, I was too distracted by the God of a man sitting next to me to get any real thoughts out. It was pretty cute that he was nervous too. I guess I don’t think of him as a nervous guy. People who aren’t nervous normally usually get nervous when something matters to them. That’s what Changbin explained to me, who doesn’t get anxious like Chan and I do. It’s fun to have different kinds of friends.
Anyway, he suggested not going to the cafe since I was so overwhelmed. But where were we going to go? His house? I would have jumped his bones and made out with him probably. Or I would have, in my head. Whether I could have mustered that kind of courage irl is a different story…
ANYWAYS!
The cafe was beautiful and serene and purple. The workers were friendly and the food was good. We talked about so many different things while we held hands. I was a little nervous since there were normies in the cafe too who might judge us. If I went off on a major ramble, or got lost in my thoughts, he would just…let me. His kindness knows no bounds. If I didn’t see him every day at school, I would think he wasn’t real. Is he real? I’m pretty sure he’s real…
But THE moment was when he hugged me when we stood up from the booth. He held me like he never wanted to let me go. And then he admitted it. He didn’t want to let me go. I did my best to hold in my desparate desperate need to bawl my eyes out on his shoulder. It’s hard to stop crying now as I’m writing this…but ME. HE wanted to stay close to ME.
Who am I? No, really, who am I? I’m just a messed up teenager. I’m not stable. I’m not datable. And yet this beautiful, kind, loving human wants ME. What did I do in any life to deserve this? To be able to cuddle with him during lunch and he lets me. I could touch him and hold him and do everything but kiss him. And, man, if we weren’t in the middle of a public place, I would have kissed him right there.
I should have kissed him when he dropped me off at my house. I stared at him for a long time. He looked SO pretty in the streetlights. 10x more handsome than normal. In his button-up shirt with one button undone on top. His eyes were shining. I’m not sure what love is, or what it looks like, but I swear the look he had on his face in that moment was what would be in my dictionary next to the word love. He told me he had a good time tonight. I told him I did too. I wanted to lean in, but I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable.
I wanted to stay with him there forever. Well, maybe not in the car. His car is nice but eventually I would want to stretch out. And cuddling probably isn’t that comfortable over the console. Anyway, I don’t want to be away from him. It’s a shame that we don’t have all the same classes. I guess I’ll just have to treasure him when we’re near each other.
I wonder if I should let Channie and Binnie sit with us at lunch now. I think I’ve kind of kept them away from me unfairly. Would that make the cuddling with Minho at lunch awkward for them though? I mean, it’s not like they don’t watch us the whole time anyway, so might as well have them join us, yeah? They think they’re good eavesdroppers, but they’re really not. They actually kind of suck at it. I don’t know if they think they suck at it though?
Anyway, I’m just going to lay here and cry into tissues and not the pages of this here journal. Just envelop myself in the literal and figurative warmth Minho gave me. I hope he feels the same way about me. Where maybe we can talk about giving each other that warmth more seriously. I hope he would date me. If I asked him. Or maybe he’ll ask me? I guess I’ll find out at lunch tomorrow.
Until next time…
Minho held back his tears at Jisung’s recollection of events, thumbing over the wrinkles of tear stains on the page beneath him. It was good to know that Jisung wanted to kiss him in the car as much as Minho did. They both didn’t want the other one to feel pressured. Minho frowned at the last paragraph, foreshadowing what would happen the next day.
What would have happened if they met up at lunch that day, Minho wondered. Would they have agreed to be boyfriends then, and not have to wait until several weeks later? Maybe working through some of his issues first helped him realize his feelings more. There was a huge hole in Minho’s heart until Jisung came back to school and their routine went back to normal. Until they could make their relationship official. And it wasn’t easy, being with Jisung. But being in love with Jisung was a whole lot of unpredictable fun.
“Was it cringe, yes or yes?” Jisung shouted from the entryway, smiling as bright as he always did when he walked towards Minho.
“SHHH! You know better Mr. Han!”
Minho looked up at his boyfriend’s embarrassed face. “Sorry Mrs. Boyer!”
“It wasn’t that cringe actually.” Minho moved the journal and his neglected literature analysis to the side table with the other books, opening his arms for Jisung to sit on his lap. “It was pretty cute.”
“It was?” Jisung sat in the back corner of the chair, resting his legs over Minho’s lap and melting like a puddle into his side. “Was it cute cringe then?”
Minho smiled and wrapped his right arm around Jisung’s shoulders. “It was very much you, just in written form.”
“Which parts did you read?”
“The stuff before the program.” Minho replied honestly.
“Well, if you ever want to read more of it, you have my permission.” Jisung kissed Minho on the cheek. “The Seungmin stories are hilarious!”
“Aren’t you supposed to keep the people you met confidential?” Minho asked, shocked at the casual name drop. Minho had met Seungmin, and he seemed just fine, though a bit heady in his speech and expressions.
“Well, yeah,” Jisung defended himself. “But it’s just a journal! No one’s going to read my journal.”
“But you just told me I could read it!” Minho whisper-yelled in exasperation.
“Yeah, but you’re you.”
Minho acted outraged in a dramatic and playful way, but that meant his voice volume went back to normal. “What is that supposed to mean?”
Both boys got a disappointed look from Mrs. Boyer before Jisung reached up and connected their lips in a soft kiss. Minho saw her smile, shaking her head at their constant antics, which she was used to by this point of the year, before focusing back on the computer in front of her. Minho felt a little guilty, as he often did, when he forgot he was in the library, but he was more grateful that Jisung trusted him enough to read his innermost thoughts. Not only that, but the fact that Jisung misplaced his journal and didn’t overly freak out was also a good sign of his progress. He had gained a lot of emotional maturity in such a short time, and they talked about how hard it would be once Minho graduated next month.
But for now, he enjoyed holding Jisung in his arms, his secrets nearby. Overwhelmed with gratitude for their relationship, Minho placed a long kiss on Jisung’s forehead, pecking the spot a few extra times before resting his own forehead there.
“What was that for?” Jisung whispered, his eyes showing how happy he was to be in Minho’s presence.
“Thank you for trusting me with your journal. I love you so much.”
“Love you too, Min.”
They looked into each other’s eyes, fond as can be, before Jisung buried his head into Minho’s shoulder, wrapping his arms tightly around his boyfriend’s waist and planting a chaste kiss on his neck. Jisung had study hall this period, and Minho could just have Jisung help him with his math assignment later.
Minho let his senioritis fully take over. He and his senioritis mind came together to focus on one very important mission: to make Jisung feel safe.
Because who needs schoolwork when you have the perfect boyfriend in your arms?
No one, that’s who.