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Okay, so slowly strutting around town on his feet wasn’t a very Spider-man thing to do but it’s not like he had planned to run out of web fluids on his daily patrol. Nobody could take into account a potential run in with a group of a dozen men wearing clown masks trying to rob a deli okay? No one. And Peter would know, he was the type to pack underwear for a trip like he was planning to violently get sick every hour of every day.
So yeah, he looked really stupid right now, trying to blend in with the crowd as if his bright blue and red spandex suit was the most regular outfit to wear on a winter evening. People in New York were used to a lot by now but that didn’t stop him from feeling terribly self-conscious and out of place.
Shifting awkwardly, keeping his eyes on the ground as much as possible, Peter walked fast to one of the hidden bag he remembered placing around earlier in the month for emergencies. See, he knew how to plan, he was GREAT at planning. Today was NOT his fault.
Relief started to wash over him when he recognized the alley where said bag was hidden. Only a few more seconds of embarrassment before he could change out of his suit and go home like any other regular New Yorker!
Except that the second Peter turned into the alley, something distracted him from his goal.
First, a quick and simple tug on the hairs at the base of his neck.
Then, a loud but strained voice calling his name.
“Hey Spidey~!”
Peter released a huge sigh. He did not have the patience for this. First the clowns (which honestly, clowns? Really? In 2024?), then the walk of shame, and now that?
Slowly turning around, he was greeted by a familiar red and black suit, except something didn’t quite fit right. Peter considered himself to be really good at picking up details and he was positive that the person standing in front of him was NOT Deadpool.
Look, Peter was not obsessing over the mercenary since that day they had met on the rooftop. Nope. Not at all. He was just really into learning how other super people made their suits, alright. Sue him.
“What’s gotten into you Webs, do I have something on my face?” Fake Deadpool asked jokingly, his finger pointing at his mask in an exaggerated way.
Sure, his height and overall musculature seemed good enough but the voice was all wrong. Where Deadpool’s usual tone was gravely and rough, due to his vocal chords being scared (Peter had looked it up after meeting the man), this voice was scratchy, like he had chained smoked 3 packs of Marlboro before opening his mouth.
Peter couldn’t believe it; he was getting pranked by a Deadpool cosplayer.
It's true, Peter was a nerd, and sometimes nerds needed to go to Comic Con incognito to enjoy being around other nerds and feel like they belonged. Peter also really liked seeing all the great cosplays of his favorite characters and take strolls around the stands where artists would offer a multitude of goodies based of popular shows.
Peter had met one day an almost to the hair rendition of Chewbacca’s costume and that had been one of his happiest day on earth. He used the selfie he took with the cosplayer as his phone background ever since. He also secretly liked going around listening to what the people would say about all the heroes that protected New York. Everyone needed a little ego boost from time to time alright, nothing bad about that. And it was amusing to learn what people thought about each hero’s relationship toward each other, if not slightly concerning at times…
Now there was always a few Spider-men copslays, most of them being clearly handmade (using t-shirts as a mask, and tights to mimic his spandex), that would make him smile, reminding him of his very first, and some really professional ones that almost made him want to go and ask the artist if they took commissions for himself, but there was also always a Deadpool.
Most of those cosplayers would use the excuse of dressing like the mercenary to be obnoxious to everyone else, pranking every poor nerd around and cause overall chaos. Peter would know. And no, Deadpool would not hug strangers without a reason, random guy, cause that’s just weird, even for the mercenary.
Yikes.
Those guys were the worse cocktail of overeager, cocky and unpredictable, making up a terrible reputation for themselves in the convention world.
So thanks to his vast knowledge of super hero cosplay, his own sewing skills and his eye for detail, Peter could positively say that this man wasn’t Deadpool.
“Look, man, I know you think this is the height of humour but it’s not working alright?” Peter said, clearly fed up by the situation.
“Well tough crowd tonight, woke up on the wrong side of the web?” he answered teasingly but Peter wasn’t really listening.
“You’re not the real Deadpool, you can stop the act and let the real adults do their jobs alright?” Peter finally said crossing his arms in an attempt to look more aggressive.
To that, fake Deadpool just turned his head around as if looking for something, clearly confused, his mouth not moving for a minute.
Peter mentally told himself that the real Deadpool probably wouldn’t have been able to keep his mouth shut for that long. Yet another proof. Damn he was great at this game!
Fake Deadpool started talking again.
“I like your game, tell me, Oh wise Spider why am I not myself in your opinion?” He ended with a flourish as if he was some damsel curtsying. Peter took a deep breath, no need to be overtly mean with the guy, he was probably trying to get some attention.
“Well, first of all your voice is all wrong, can you at least try harder? It sounds so forced Tommy Wiseau called and said he wanted you to star in his next film. Second, the costume is not it. It’s baggy around your hips, cheap material. You can spot it from a mile away dude. I didn’t know spirit Halloween was big into the mercenary scene.” Peter shrugged, hopefully now the other guy would leave him alone.
“Ouchie, man that hurts my feelings, buy a girl a drink before talking dirty like that!" Fake Deapool placed his hand on his chest as if hurt by what Peter had said. He didn’t miss a beat and released a long sigh.
“I’m sick, okay ? I caught a cold for fuck’s sake, that’s why it sounds like I had a rough night with an overeager lover, you freak.”
Peter wasn’t impressed by this comeback; technically Deadpool shouldn’t be able to be sick due to his healing powers after all.
“Where are your swords then, got taken by customs?” Peter added, sure that this would be the final word before he could see this man’s façade crumble. If there was one thing Deadpool never seemed to leave the house without, it was those two flashy katanas.
“Okay now its war. You sir have decided to be a little bitch today and I’m not having any fun anymore!”
Peter could feel the spike in anger radiating through fake Deadpool’s body, making his sense flare up, instinct taking over, trying to protect him, but he forced his body to stay immobile. He somehow knew nothing bad was going to happen.
“I swear to god, you get blown up ONCE and everybody starts acting like you’re the one that got away. So yeah, I had a shit day, what about it? My sexy suit got burned to a crisp in the explosion and so did most of my body actually and I’m still healing right now so be nicer to me you Spider-bully.” Fake Deadpool crossed his arms, clearly pissy about it. Peter could hear Deadpool mubling to himself angrily, his words barely audible before he spoke up once again.
“Bea and Arthur are probably still somewhere under the rubbles of the FREAKING BUILDING that fell on my ass and I can’t find them so I had to go for plan B and go home to lick my wounds and then wear the only suit I had left to go back out, because I knew the world wasn’t ready to see Wade Jr out in the open quite yet.”
Each of his words seemed to carry more and more exasperation.
Oh no.
Peter really messed up on that one didn’t he. The horror of what had just happened slowly crept into every cell of Peter’s body rendering him speechless. This was the real Deadpool. How do you even save this situation? Should he just try and lie his way out of it? “of course I knew it was you I was just trying to see how long it would take you to realize.” No that would just be cruel, clearly both Peter and Wade just had a bad day and he could relate with Deadpool on that. And he had to go all the way and roast the poor idiot as well. How did Peter manage to put his foot in his mouth so deeply every time he had to act like an adult and have an actual conversation with someone?
Deadpool seemed to gradually regain control over his emotions, his arms uncrossing and his voice dying down. He took a deep breath.
“And you know what’s the worst part of it all?” He asked, his voice sounding almost bashful. Peter nodded, inviting the mercenary to continue.
“I got blown up by FUCKING CLOWNS” His voice exploded again, anger and disbelief clear in his tone. “CLOWNS” He said again, driving the point home some more, “Did I somehow manage to time travel to 2016 without noticing? Like, can you be a bit more creative at least?”
“That’s what I-“
Peter exclaimed to himself before cutting his thought short. Deadpool continued.
"I swear that when I find them, I'll be the one having a good laugh." Peter's eyes got caught on Deadpool's right hand, slowly creeping up to the gun holster he wore on his thigh, his fingers itching for the trigger. Before the mercenary decided to to create a commotion Peter quickly stopped him.
“I think I took care of your clowns earlier, that, or we both time traveled but I still haven’t seen anyone attempting a bottle flip challenge yet so we’re probably fine.” Peter joked, trying to lighten the mood.
Before Deadpool could say anything Peter felt the need to add something.
“Listen Wade, I’m sorry, I really thought you were some cosplayer trying to be funny. I didn’t mean to be an asshole to you” He trailed off, his nerves making his words a bit shaky. He really hoped he didn’t destroy whatever friendship they started to have after their initial meeting. After all, Peter kind of liked the guy, and he really needed some friends right now. Pushing himself a bit more Peter placed his hand on Wade’s shoulder, hoping to convey how genuine he was this way.
“Well, I gotta say I thought you were doing some hidden camera prank for a good moment here Webs but it’s alright, no harm done. Didn’t know you were looking at me with such intense eyes though, you're gonna make me feel self concious."
Peter was glad that his face was covered by his mask as he got to hide his flushed face after Deadpool’s comment. Well, Deadpool was clearly back to being himself at least, and that relieved Peter’s anxiety.
Some part of Peter still felt like he needed to do something for the mercenary or he wouldn’t be able to look at himself in the mirror. Quickly thinking back on their conversation, Peter got an idea.
“Hey, where was that building you mentioned earlier, I think I can help with the heavy lifting if you’re still up for a recovery mission?” Peter’s tone was playful, hoping that the mercenary would understand what he meant.
“Oh my god, yes, please, a thousand yeses. I’ll walk you there” Deadpool answered jumping like a little kid in a candy shop, “I get to see you in action and save my babies? Man this day has gotten so much better already.”
Peter quickly followed Deadpool’s footsteps towards their destination, glad that he didn’t completely blew his blossoming friendship away.
“Bee Tee Dubs forgot to ask but, why aren’t you swinging around?”
“Freaking clowns, man” Peter answered simply.
“Freaking clowns indeed” Deadpool smiled, fully understanding the feeling.