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Johari Jakimi is not weak. She’s not. She can’t afford to be.
Not when everyone depends on her, not when they’re giving it everything to stop Numos from destroying the world. So in the heat of battle, Johari does not let her mind wander to feelings, does not let her eyes linger on each of her friends as they fight so desperately for victory. But in a flickering moment while trying so desperately to hold off Anthalla, her heart sinks in her chest as a scream crawls from her throat. Looking down at the ground she sees Mentei next to the monolith, and as he nods his head she sees Rotman’s face fall. No, no, he can’t possibly go through with it. He knows what’s going to happen, doesn’t he? She can’t rip her eyes away from Mentei as she watches in terror as he makes contact with the monolith and his body crumbles to the ground. In anguish and vain his name comes ripping out of her throat, knowing she won’t hear him call back to her. Forcing herself to get back into the fight, Johari pushes everything down and focuses all the strength she has on the battle.
~
Johari Jakimi is not weak. She’s not.
The battle has finished, and Johari looked down at the body of her beloved friend. Mentei looked peaceful, his face burned and covered in dirt. Johari’s heart twisted. She didn’t like the feeling of how cold he was, knowing full well the reason why. She could barely hear the commotion around her, everyone rushing to heal the injured and gather evidence. All the feelings she had pushed down during the battle came flooding back to her in an instant. Overwhelmed with sorrow she collapsed to the ground, hugging Mentei closer as the sobs wracked through her body. She could barely breathe, every cry coursing through her as she tried so desperately to pull Mentei back to life. She knew deep down that was something she could never do, a power she could not obtain. But regardless, her shattered state could do nothing more than hold on to the remains of her best friend. Get up, Johari. You need to be strong , her subconscious told her. Or was it Thialia? Every voice was blurring together, those around her and even her own. With tears still rolling down her dirty, bloodied cheeks, Johari tenderly picked up Mentei’s body and cradled it against her own as she slowly made her way to the boat.
Gingerly placing his body down on his bed, Johari looked at him once more and felt her heart tug in her chest. She tried not to let the tears fall again as she walked back out to the field and slowly picked a bouquet of flowers. Barely giving anyone any mind, she mindlessly made her way back to the ship, grabbing a bottle and placing the bouquet inside. Each step she took felt heavier than the last as she made her way back to his room, tears swelling in her eyes. Opening the door, her breath stopped at seeing his lifeless body again. Shouldn’t you be used to this sight? He’s died before, hasn’t he?
The bitter words of her subconscious hit her like a bullet. This time was different, this time the hope that was usually in her heart had diminished to almost nothing. She had lost count of how long it had been since the battle, only faintly registering the boat flying off the ground. Mentei looked so small and frail, so different from the Mentei she knew. The Mentei she knew was strong. He was brave and willing to do anything for his friends, even though he knew the odds that he could stay conscious for the whole fight were slim. The Mentei she knew had grown so much since she first met him, that angsty half-elf at the bar so long ago had blossomed into the strong man she knew and loved. Mentei had become her best friend, her brother in every sense except blood. And now he was gone. She couldn’t stop the sobs again, and buried her head into her arms as her whole body shook with grief. Everything hurt, and no healing potion could help her heart. She could barely hear the door creak open as she continued to cry. “Johari, may I see Mentei?” She slowly lifted her head to see Kroanos in the doorway, her usual bold and loud demeanor now quiet and reserved. Nodding her head, Johari moved over as much as she could in the cramped room to let Kroanos in. She watched in silence as Kroanos knelt at the foot of the bed and began praying to Pond. Johari wasn’t listening to her prayer out of respect, and that tiny voice in her head began taunting her once more. It’s your fault, you know. He’s dead because you didn’t stop him in time. It should’ve been you. You didn’t even tell him you loved him before the battle, what kind of friend is that? What kind of sister would do that?
The guilt overwhelmed her, every word a sharp dagger to her heart. The voices were right; why couldn’t it have been her? She at the very least had made peace with her parents. He had only just done so, and didn’t he deserve another chance to have a father again? Now Kinhad was without either son at his side, and Johari was to be the villain to tell him.
A deep shuddering sigh took her away from her thoughts as she looked to Kroanos. Kroanos stood and met Johari’s eye with a face full of regret and sorrow.
“I’m so sorry Johari, there’s nothing to be done. Pond says his soul is not with him.” Kroanos spoke softly, as if she was trying not to break something.
Johari couldn’t breathe. The last remaining spark of any hope she had was shattered in an instant. She could barely move, barely think.
“You know, Mentei really was strong,” Kroanos continued solemnly. “A pain in the ass sure, but he was always there to help.” Kroanos turned her gaze to Mentei, bowing her head in reverence before speaking once more. “Mentei, I apologize for every time I ever fought with you. This is not something you deserved. It should’ve been me. I know more than anyone that I have been living on the mercy and grace of Pond—and for you to bear the price of this battle is something I shall never forget nor be able to pay back. I will do everything I can to find an answer to help you.”
Johari had never heard Kroanos speak so gently before, very different from the Kroanos she knew. Kroanos stood and turned to Johari, the familiar glare in her eyes softened by sorrow.
“Not a word to the others about this, okay?” she said as she gingerly placed Mentei’s earring in Johari’s hand, before turning and leaving the room just as quietly as she had come in.
Johari was once more left alone with her thoughts—a dangerous thing. She felt the pull in her mind of Thialia appearing and looked up to see her spirit companion motion towards the earring in Johari’s hand. Johari gave her a weak smile as she understood, carefully placing it down on the bed.
“I’ll put it right back on after I’m done, don’t worry,” Johari reassured her.
She began to gently take off the gauntlet holding Thialia’s soul. Placing it on the bed, she put Mentei’s earring on and watched Volcan’s fiery form appear before her.
“Vulcan, I am so sorry,” she began, already feeling the tears well up again. “Is there anything we can do to save him?”
Johari could sense the depths of Volcan’s pain and sorrow. “I’m afraid he’s gone,” he said, “and we cannot bring him back.”
Johari felt the all too familiar stab of pain twist in her chest at his words. “Do you want to be with him? Or would you rather be kept with me?” She asked, although she knew deep down what his answer would be.
“I want to be by his side, as I always have been,” Vulcan replied, his fiery form turning towards Mentei with such sorrow it hurt Johari’s heart even more.
“I understand. Thank you Volcan, for everything.”
Though he didn’t reply, Johari could sense that he was grateful. Meeting his eyes once more, Johari nodded her head before taking the earring off and placing it on Mentei’s ear, where it belonged. Pressing a kiss to his temple, Johari slipped her gauntlet on once more and gave one more glance to Mentei before exiting his room. Climbing into her own bed, her cries rocked her to sleep.
~
Johari Jakimi is not weak.
She lost count of the days, only knowing she spent each one in Mentei’s room to tend to him before going up to the deck to breathe the fresh air in. Everyone was somber, coping in their own ways with the guilt and grief they each felt. It was quiet without the cheerful chatter Mentei used to bring to the group, another bitter reminder of what was lost. She could barely remember when they dropped the others off in Oasis, only recalling that Kroanos stayed with the Wayward Seven to take care of some things. Johari had tried to distract herself by throwing everything into her training, in an attempt to keep herself from falling into the pit of grief that she knew was waiting for her. She could see the concern on her friends’ faces when they would look at her, it was evident every time she would offer to stay on watch every night. But what else was she to do? She barely slept anymore. Every time her eyes closed, she would see Mentei’s body collapse at the base of the monolith. She did feel a small amount of guilt about the concern her friends had for her, but it was only a blip compared to the raw tug of loneliness in her heart. She wrote in her journal every day, hoping that cataloging everything that had happened would help keep the memory of Mentei alive for longer. Why am I acting like all hope is lost? Surely there’s something to be done, right? Can’t I do something?
The small light of hope within her would whisper that from time to time, yet Johari would ignore its pleas.
Soon the null routine of boat life came to an end as they spotted Mithril on the horizon. Johari tried to recenter and focus herself, knowing that all the inner turmoil and dread would come to surface once they landed. Focus on your senses Johari, recenter yourself. That inner voice spoke once more. The sorrow was still taking its toll, but the numbness had already begun to creep in. From overhead, she could hear the others beginning to dock the ship. Come on Johari, you must compose yourself. Don’t make Lydia more upset than she must already be.
Her inner voice taunted her as she began to put her things away and climb up to the deck of the ship. Looking over towards the dock, she allowed her heart a flicker of happiness as she saw the green cloak of Lydia waiting to greet them. Grief had taken its toll on Lydia too, but when her eyes met with Johari’s, they shined. Johari gave her a small smile before running off the ship and into her arms. They stood there a while holding tight to each other, soaking each other’s presence in. Johari looked into Lydia’s eyes, and in that instant, she knew that Lydia could see all the things Johari couldn’t say. He’s gone, I couldn’t save him, I’m a failure, Why couldn’t it be me ?
Tears sprung in Lydia’s eyes as she gave Johari another tight embrace. Letting go once more, she motioned towards a prestigious group of elves dressed in long white robes to board the ship and bring Mentei’s body to his room at the Keep. Johari let go of Lydia as the rest of their friends got off the boat, to let them have their own reunion. Turning around, she came face to face with Mentei’s body being carried off the ship. She felt sick. For the first time since before the fight, Johari allowed her body to do what it had been aching to do. She ran. Off the dock, up the hillside and through the town, she ran to the Keep and kept running till she reached her room. Bursting open her door she flung herself onto the bed, sobbing into her pillow. She had been denying it, keeping it tucked away in her mind, but the harsh reality once again was brought forward. Mentei was gone. The embers of that strong fire of hope in bringing him back were dying out. The weight that Johari carried on her shoulders felt heavier with each sob, her exhaustion over the past months finally taking its toll. As unconsciousness crept upon her, the only evidence of someone coming in to check on her was the warm blanket that covered her, and the familiar green cloak followed by a closed door.
~
Johari Jakimi is weak.
The silence in her room became her companion. It had been a month since returning to Mithril, and her friends had already left to who knows where. Kroanos had gone to Neuatu to conduct research, Rotman had only left in a flurry with no explanation. Laureda was still on Mithril, although not for much longer as they were going to expand their culinary knowledge. As for Lydia, she had gone on a month long journey in search for answers. To Johari, it was a month too long alone with her thoughts. And oh, did those thoughts know exactly what to say.
You are weak. You weren’t strong enough to save, what happens next time? Which companion will you lose this time?
She did her best to ignore those incriminating thoughts, but as the days passed, it became harder and harder to dismiss. She spent her time holed away in her room, surrounded by the familiar warmth of her four walls. But as days turned to weeks, her spirit began to crack.
Slowly, Johari gave in. In the silence, she made her decision.
Johari began to pack her things, she would only need the bare minimum at the monastery.
Doubt began to seep through as she did so. Should you really be leaving? What about Lydia, she will be alone when you leave.
Johari shook her head, trying to ignore her mind. No, this is what is best. Lydia deserves better than someone who is weak and can’t protect, cannot save. This is to train to be better, to do better. This is the punishment for the loss of someone precious, someone dear. With her mind made up and a heavy heart, Johari finished her bags before going downstairs to the courtyard. The only good thing that Johari felt like she had done in months was building the garden. It was far from finished, but with the help of Artie and the staff a beautiful garden was in the process of being made. The fountain was her favorite. To distract herself and to not fade her memory, Johari had been making a sculpture of Mentei to fix onto the fountain. His figure stood tall, water pouring from his hands as the stone replica of his face smiled. This was the only place in which Johari could find a sliver of peace. Johari sat on the bench in front of the fountain, taking it all in before she had to go. She knew Lydia was supposed to be coming home today, So her plan was to leave in the morning. She hoped Lydia wouldn’t be upset with her. Part of her knew it wasn’t right to leave, but the rest of her mind knew what must be done to be at peace and know she can protect her friends.
“You’re leaving, aren’t you?” Johari looked up from her thoughts to see Lydia in the doorway, looking at her with an expression Johari couldn’t read. Johari turned away, the guilt she felt now doubling.
“Lydia, I-I have to be strong,” she started, not able to look her in the eye. “I can’t rest knowing I could’ve done something. I have to go back to my monastery and train, I have to be better than I am.” Johari felt Lydia sit down beside her as she talked, and her calming presence began to take its effect.
“What says you’re not strong?” The question hung in the air, the weight behind it leaps and bounds. Johari finally looked up and into Lydia’s eyes. Those kind, beautiful eyes were staring into her own with the question behind them, waiting for the answer.
“That,” Johari motioned to the statue, “being the closest thing to Mentei that I have. I lost my best friend. I lost my brother to that, that monster. And that statue reminds me of my failure every day. Every night I see the same thing when I close my eyes, and it’s his body falling to the ground before I can reach him. I didn’t even tell him I loved him, before going into battle. A man I called my brother and I didn’t even tell him! After everything we’ve gone through, every sacrifice, every time he saved my life, and I failed to return the favor. He deserved to live, to stay here and mend his relationship with his father, he deserved to be happy and be loved and to be alive. His soul shattered, and there’s no way to piece it back together to bring him back! Lydia, how can I protect my friends, when I’m not fast enough, not smart enough, not strong enough to save them? How can I be strong when I robbed his father of not one, but both of his sons?” Johari’s body shook with her sobs, as Lydia took her into her arms and held her gently.
“Lydia, I miss him. I miss him so much it hurts.” Johari whispered into Lydia’s shoulder, her weeping resuming once more. They stayed in the garden like that as all of Johari’s guilt and regret poured out, the months of her grief had finally taken its toll.
~
Johari Jakimi is strong.
It marked a year to the day of the defeat of Numos when Mentei’s funeral took place. In truth it had taken time to track down the adventurers, but after a year they all stood together once more. Albeit a very somber way to be brought together again. The funeral was a private event, Johari could feel every sharp gaze on her as she walked up to his casket to say goodbye one last time. Whispering her final words, she stepped back and away from the crowd. Wiping her tears from her face, she listened to the heart wrenching speech of a still grieving father.
He even read your favorite book, huh Mentei? I can hear you even now crowing over that. Johari’s bittersweet thoughts invading her mind. Her grief no longer consumed her, but was merely a companion in which she learned to cope with. A reminder of things lost, and to keep her strength. She knew there was nothing that could bring her Mentei back, she had accepted that a while ago. She now had the mission of caring for her friends, taking care of Lydia. She couldn’t let his sacrifice be in vain, would not let it be a waste. Besides, she could almost hear his voice in her head telling her to not give up.
Oh come on Jojo, are you really going to let some silly little thing bother you? Get back up and fight! The Mentei in her head told her. And for once, she listened. As she watched Mentei’s casket fade into the sky, she only thought it fitting that the person who always shined brightest would join the stars.
Fin
.