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ALVINA
The client is here. Did you know he has that hammer with him?
INTERVIEWER
A what?
ALVINA
(EXCITED) The hammer! He actually brought it here with him!
INTERVIEWER
Oh. What kind of a hammer?
ALVINA
Did you read the case file?
INTERVIEWER
You know I like to be surprised. Reading the file would take all the excitement away!
ALVINA
(EXASPERATE) The Hammer of Glory! He hauled it here with him.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, that hammer. Wait! You mean to tell me that behind this door is…
ALVINA
Angus McFife the Thirteenth? Yes, he is waiting outside. Should I call him in?
INTERVIEWER
(IN DISBELIEF) Really? Angus McFife? THAT Angus McFife? Are you pulling my leg?
ALVINA
Nope. It’s him alright.
INTERVIEWER
What is he doing here?
ALVINA
He’s interested in our services, I presume? Now, do I call him in, or not?
INTERVIEWER
Yes! Yes, of course! Wait! (SOUNDS OF HAIR AND FABRIC RUSTLING) How do I look?
ALVINA
Surprised. Exactly like somebody who never reads the case files. Right. I’m calling him in.
INTERVIEWER
And bring us…
ALVINA
Cocoa. Yes, yes, I know.
(ALVINA LEAVES, CLOSES THE DOOR AND SPEAKS TO SOMEBODY IN THE LOBBY)
He’s ready for you, Your Highness!
(STEPS CLOSE IN, A KNOCK ON THE DOOR IS HEARD)
INTERVIEWER
Please, come in!
(DOOR OPENS, THE CLIENT ENTERS AND CLOSES IT BEHIND HIM)
ANGUS
Hoots! (SIGHS) I mean, hello!
INTERVIEWER
(EXCITED) Well, dunk me in coffee and call me a donut! It really is you!
ANGUS
(SO VERY TIRED OF IT ALL) Yes, yes, please, don’t get up.
INTERVIEWER
(EVEN MORE EXCITED) It is an honour, to finally meet you, Your Highness! Please, take a seat!
(ANGUS SITS DOWN, THE SOUND OF A SLEDGEHAMMER BEING SET ON THE FLOOR CAN BE HEARD)
INTERVIEWER
We have heard great stories about you!
ANGUS
(SURPRISED, SLIGHTLY SUSPICIOUS) How have you, if I only just arrived???
INTERVIEWER
Oh, we at The Amelia Project follow the big events of the world as close as we can. We like to keep our hand on the—
(DOOR OPENS, AND FOOTSTEPS CLICK CLOSER AS ALVINA CROSSES THE ROOM)
ALVINA
(CURT, SLIGHTLY ANNOYED) Cocoa
INTERVIEWER
Yes, thank you, Alvina.
(SOUND OF A FULL THERMOS BEING SET ON THE TABLE. ALVINA THEN LEAVES AND CLOSES THE DOOR)
INTERVIEWER
What were we about? Ah, yes. We at The Amelia Project like to keep our hand on the pulse, so to speak, Your Highness. There is hardly bigger news these days than the arrival of the Crown Prince of the Empire of Fife in these wretched lands. Your fame precedes you.
ANGUS
Please, no need for all those your highnesses. Just Angus is fine.
INTERVIEWER
(DELIGHTED) Angus it is then! It is always delightful to have business with royals who are down-to-earth. It’s a lot more common that they are stuck up and boring. Cocoa?
ANGUS
(CAUGHT OFF-GUARD) Huh?
INTERVIEWER
Would you like some cocoa? It’s the finest cocoa straight from Les Deux Magots, in Paris. Hits the exact right spot in the weather we’re having these days.
ANGUS
Oooh! Yes, please!
(SOUNDS OF COCOA BEING POURED INTO TWO CUPS)
INTERVIEWER
Here you go
(SOUND OF TWO PEOPLE SLURPING)
ANGUS
(CLEARLY DELIGHTED) Oooooh. Heavenly.
INTERVIEWER
I knew a prince would appreciate the exquisite taste of this nectar of gods. But alas, we should get down to business. So, tell me, Angus; why do you want to die?
ANGUS
Have you ever wanted to do something, anything, else, just not what you are doing?
INTERVIEWER
Well, I have dabbled in a lot of things. I hate being bored.
ANGUS
I am the thirteenth Crown Prince of the Empire of Fife.
INTERVIEWER
Hm.
ANGUS
And I am tired. I am tired of being the Crown Prince of the Empire of Fife.
INTERVIEWER
(SURPRISED) Well, that’s something you don’t hear every day!
ANGUS
I am sure you don’t. It’s one of those things that get swept under the rug, pretend nobody sees them. For the Eternal Glory of Dundee, and all that. Not exactly what Topazulon would write down in one of his chronicles.
INTERVIEWER
Topazulon? I know that name from somewhere.
ANGUS
(TIRED) A long, long line of Lords Topazulon. He has a privilege, you know. His ancestor saved the life of the grandfather of the first Angus McFife and unfortunately got asked what reward he wanted. Asked to become the royal chronicler, and to pass that duty down his family line. Every first son of the next Topazulon will become the royal chronicler once his father can no longer do the job.
INTERVIEWER
Didn’t he get quite a decent poetry book published?
ANGUS
(IMPATIENT) That was the ancestor. The current one writes poetry like he has two left hands.
INTERVIEWER
Oh.
(PAUSE)
So, you want to disappear, because you are the Crown Prince of the Empire of Fife, and you are tired of it. Did I get that right?
ANGUS
Yes, that’s right.
INTERVIEWER
But I was always under the impression that being a prince is exciting! Travelling to new places, meeting new people all the time?
ANGUS
(FRUSTRATED) Yes, when those people don’t want to slit my throat!
INTERVIEWER
Oh.
(PAUSE)
Well, I suppose the sword of Damocles does come with being of your status. (GETTING EXCITED) But the grand parties! The outings! The opportunities to go wherever you want, attend whatever you want!
ANGUS
Yes, well, it’s exciting the first few times, but not when it’s happening three and more times a week, every week. And all that paperwork!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, I hate paperwork! It’s so boring!
ANGUS
Do tell me about it.
INTERVIEWER
And yet, why come to us? Why not just get a secretary, or two, to deal with it?
ANGUS
(WITH INCREASING DESPERATION) Because then I will still be the Prince, and later the King, of Fife until the day I die! I hate the thought alone! I’m paraded around like some kind of a circus pony! Wherever I go, people gawk at me like the freakshow is in town! And my personal life? Non-existent! Everything in my life is already pre-written, checked, and double-checked! I hate it!
(MOCKINGLY, TALKING FASTER AND GETTING MORE EXASPERATED AS HE GOES ON) Hey, Your Highness, what would you like for dinner? Well, that’s too bad, you’re having a steak and washing it down with wine! Your Highness, what do you think of Lady Whatshername of Someplace? Oh. Really? Well, you’re going to be courting her! By the way, here’s ten new decrees, three declarations of war, fifteen invitations to formal parties, and three hundred forty-two fan letters, and all need to be answered before tomorrow noon!
(FINALLY DRAWS A DEEP BREATH AND CALMS DOWN) You ever tried figuring out how to thank a pre-teen squealing about your new haircut, while also trying to formally apologize to a foreign dignitary, for offending them with that same haircut?
INTERVIEWER
Hm, yes, they do say the king is less free than the lowest of peasants.
ANGUS
It’s true! And it’s hell! I even hate the armour they handed to me! Look at it!
INTERVIEWER
(TAKEN BY SURPRISE) What’s wrong with it?
ANGUS
(PEEVED) It’s green! I hate green!
(PAUSE)
And the worst part is, behind all of it I have zero idea who I actually am. No idea who Angus McFife the Thirteenth really is. I have no idea where I end and the Crown Prince begins!
INTERVIEWER
But… you are the Crown Prince?
ANGUS
Exactly! All my life, I have been the Crown Prince of the Empire of Fife! I have no agency of my own! I don’t even know my own favourite food! Is it omelette? Is it a cheeseburger? A steak? Pasta? Cocoa? I have no idea! The Crown Prince of the Empire of Fife has taken over my life!
(PAUSE)
(ANGRY) And then there’s this whole destiny bullsh— sorry. (APOLOGETIC) Was hanging out with the Hootsman a lot before the whole… thing.
INTERVIEWER
No, no, it’s understandable. You are frustrated.
ANGUS
This whole destiny… nonsense! That alone is enough to drive you insane! And the wizards!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, without a doubt a dreadful bunch, that one.
ANGUS
You have no idea. Just two months ago, they were bugging me to go fetch an artefact from the hills of Whatever. Fine, I went there, found a piece of scrap metal, brought it back, they were happy. Two weeks later…
INTERVIEWER
Another artefact?
ANGUS
Another Mighty Quest. But yes, another blasted artefact. I tell them, this is not what the Crown Prince should be doing! We’re in the middle of a bit of an intergalactic war here! But do they listen? (SO DONE WITH THIS SITUATION) No! Even now, I am on a Mighty Quest! I’m supposed to get a magic jetpack that will help me defeat Zargothrax.
INTERVIEWER
Can’t they simply fetch the thing themselves?
ANGUS
You know, I am starting to think they all just enjoy seeing the regular humans suffer for their quests.
(PAUSE)
(WITH A SLIGHTLY DOOMED AIR ABOUT HIM) And then there is The Prophecy.
INTERVIEWER
The… Prophecy?
ANGUS
I have to vanquish Zargothrax once and for all.
INTERVIEWER
Oh. Well. That’s… a noble cause?
ANGUS
It is. In fact, I’m not sure it’s actually a prophecy, and not just something Ralathor came up with on the fly.
INTERVIEWER
(CURIOUS) Ralathor?
ANGUS
You know him?
INTERVIEWER
Don’t worry about it.
(PAUSE)
So, you have to defeat your archnemesis. That’s a common thing, far as prophecies go. But tell me, when you defeat him, would that not be enough? You would be rid of the prophecy and could live in peace without our help.
ANGUS
No! I defeat Zargothrax, and everything will go back to the way it was!
INTERVIEWER
You’re really sure about that, aren’t you?
ANGUS
(DESPERATE) The peasants already have a throne ready and being polished for my, back in Achnasheen! They’re planning The Triumphant Victory Tour of King Angus McFife the Second First! They asked me which city I would like it to start out at! I defeat Zargothrax, and I will be roped right back into that nonsense! I am done being a prince, and I do not want to become a king, either! Somebody else can do it!
INTERVIEWER
Hm. Looks like you have been roped into something with no way out.
ANGUS
Exactly! I never asked for this! I just want a normal life!
(ANGUS LEANS CLOSER TO THE INTERVIEWER)
Can I share something personal?
INTERVIEWER
Everything you say in this room will stay among us, Angus.
(ANGUS SHUFFLES WORRIEDLY, ACCIDENTALLY HITS THE HAMMER OF GLORY, AND IT FALLS OVER WITH A SOFT THUD)
ANGUS
(WHISPERING LOUDLY) When the Earth blew up, I was horrified, but… I was also relieved! I was… I was glad! Yes, I admit it! I was glad! For the first time since I can remember, I felt truly free! I saw my people, my home, and everything my family had worked towards for generations turn into a supernova, but I was free! Well, that lasted for two minutes, and then I was told, I had to follow Zargothrax into the wormhole.
INTERVIEWER
(TRYING TO SPEAK SOOTHINGLY) I understand. I mean, not that I approve. But I understand.
ANGUS
Thank you!
INTERVIEWER
But speaking of, if we do take up your case… there is one little detail. You will have to leave your old life behind, and that includes the Hammer of Glory. Aren’t you afraid it will be a dead giveaway? It’s consecrated to your bloodline, after all.
ANGUS
This thing? (LAUGHS) That’s just a legend, so people won’t go around trying to use it! There’s no consecration to it! It was a first-come first-serve deal! Angus McFife the First just got to it before anyone else had! (AMUSED) There used to be an entire royal secret bank account, just for the purpose of paying off people who discovered that!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
INTERVIEWER
(THOUGHTFUL) Hmm. Well, in that case, we better get planning.
ANGUS
(RELIEVED) IN THE NAME OF— of, for the fuck’s sake… I mean, thank you!
INTERVIEWER
Now, have you had any ideas yourself? How should Angus McFife perish?
ANGUS
Well, when I win the battle, and Zargothrax has been done away with once and for all… and before that victory tour they want me to do… I could go on a hunt, to celebrate and unwind! And then, if I got lost in a forest…
(INTERVIEWER INTERRUPTS HIM, BY TAPPING HIS FINGERS ON THE TABLE IMPATIENTLY)
INTERVIEWER
Oh heavens, no! No, no, that’d be just an ordinary disappearance! They would go looking for you! No, you are the Hero! You need to go out in one last blaze of glory! (EXCITED) So! Imagine this! You meet your archnemesis in one final battle… where’s the battle set to happen?
ANGUS
Cowdenbeath.
INTERVIEWER
You meet your nemesis on the battlefield of Cowdenbeath! You defeat him! Everybody celebrates! (DRAMATICALLY) But alas! You look down and you see the Knife of Evil sticking out of your chest! And you realize, in the heat of the battle you were stabbed, and within minutes you shall become the slave to evil! The prince who sacrificed his home and his planet, to defeat evil, must yet make one final, grand sacrifice! (DOWN-TO-EARTH AND QUICKLY) You said something about a jetpack?
ANGUS
Yes?
INTERVIEWER
Perfect! You shoot through the air on the jetpack, and you throw yourself into the raging volcanic fires of Schiehallion!
ANGUS
(VERY MUCH WORRIED) Into the volcano?
INTERVIEWER
Now, don’t worry. I know how it sounds, but it’s going to be a simple stunt! We’ve had so much more complicated deaths than that! (WORRIED ANGUS NOISES) Joey will be waiting for you there with a safety net, a smoke machine, and the replacement corpse. We’ll work out a trajectory at which it’ll look like you hit the volcano crater for good, while in reality you will land safely right into the net behind the smoke screen, and before the smoke clears you will be off! All that’s left now is to find a corpse of your height and build… shouldn’t be too difficult to come by, these days… which we will dress up in your armour and throw into the raging volcanic fires of Schiehallion. And when the search party comes looking for your remains, it’ll be so charred nobody will be able to tell it wasn’t you to begin with! As for you, once our plastic surgeon, Kozlowski, a true genius he is, is done with you, I can guaranty you won’t be able to recognize yourself in the mirror! You are going to be a whole new man, Angus.
ANGUS
(EVEN MORE WORRIED THAN BEFORE) But… but the knife? I have to get impaled by the Knife of Evil?!
INTERVIEWER
Nonsense! Of course not! It will only look as though you’ve been stabbed! Of course, if your archnemesis actually stabbed you… of course not with the Knife of Evil, we’d like to avoid that if possible… Oh, I know! We can add more padding to the armour, there’s plenty of space in there, and that should prevent accidents! (MORE WORRIED ANGUS NOISES) But if he actually stabbed you with, say, his staff, that would only benefit our cause. No, we’ll just use a fake knife that looks just like the Knife of Evil. It’s one of the emperor’s favourite tools, so lucky for us there’s an abundance of souvenirs that look just like it at any self-respecting marketplace. Also, it’ll be a battle, so you’ll already be covered in other people’s body liquids, blood included, so nobody will question a thing. Not when their prince is telling them he was stabbed by the real thing. I’d like to think that the person who was stabbed knows that they were stabbed and what they were stabbed by! Are you good at acting?
ANGUS
(HALF-AMUSED, HALF-OFFENDED) I am the Crown Prince of the Empire of Fife. Ninety percent of my daily life is acting! People expect you to be dramatic when you’re the prince.
INTERVIEWER
Excellent! You can do some dramatics, for the emphasis! (PRETENDING) Oh no, I was impaled by the Knife of Evil! I must sacrifice myself, to stop the evil from spreading!
ANGUS
How about this? (DRAMATICALLY AND LOUD) GOODBYE! MY TIME HAS COME TO DIE!
(INTERVIEWER APPLAUDS)
INTERVIEWER
Marvelous! Now, have you thought about where you’d like to resurface?
ANGUS
Huh?
INTERVIEWER
After you disappear, you will need to resurface someplace else as an entirely new person. What would you want your new life to be?
ANGUS
(THOUGHTFULLY) Well, I have always had a penchant for large open spaces. And the sky. It makes me feel free. I’d like to live someplace where you can see the sky every night. Maybe out on the open sea. That sounds good. I’ve always envied sailors and fishermen.
INTERVIEWER
You could sail wherever you want. Oh, I know! What about a simple life as a fisherman out on a small island in… let’s see… South Pacific?
ANGUS
(THOUGHTFUL) I think I’d like that. (DECISIVE) Yes. I’d like that very much.
INTERVIEWER
Then it’s all—
(ANGUS SUDDENLY GASPS, RECALLING SOMETHING IMPORTANT)
ANGUS
Wait! I am not going into the battle alone! Everybody’s eyes will be on me at the end! How am I supposed to take off it there’s tons of people around me? If I know Ralathor, he will try to stop me! I’m pretty sure he knows of ways to heal the corruption, too!
(PAUSE. THINKING INTERVIEWER NOISES)
INTERVIEWER
And you’re right! (MORE THINKING INTERVIEWER NOISES) Oh, I know! We’ll have our own people join at the end! In the chaos, nobody will be the wiser! They should be enough to keep the rest of the folks off your back. (EVEN MORE THINKING INTERVIEWER NOISES) We’ll airdrop Salvatore dressed up as the Hootsman right in the middle of the battle! That should boost some morals, and at the end while everybody is flocked around (AIR QUOTES) their god, you will quickly disappear into the volcano before anyone has a chance to stop you! Goodbye Angus McFife the Thirteenth, hello simple fisherman on his island! Everybody’s happy!
ANGUS
(SUSPICIOUS) And you think that’ll work on Ralathor as well? He’s not really the religious type.
INTERVIEWER
Probably not. But when everybody is flocked into one giant group between you both, it’ll be quite difficult for him to reach you on time before you take off. You’ll have to be fast. You could do part of the dramatics while you’re flying towards Schiehallion.
ANGUS
(THOUGHTFUL) I will be flying with the jetpack, so…
INTERVIEWER
He won’t be able to reach you when you’re already in the air. I suggest you practice with the jetpack for a bit before you go back.
ANGUS
Yes! I’ll have to go into space before that anyway.
INTERVIEWER
What?
ANGUS
What?
INTERVIEWER
Nothing. Now there’s only the question of payment left. Normally our services do not come cheap, but for the Crown Prince of the Empire of Fife stranded in a strange world we can make an exception. (THINKING) Hmmm.
ANGUS
What do you want?
INTERVIEWER
Give us your contacts both from here and back home. Everything. Names, addresses, e-mails, phone numbers, of all the noble and influential folks the Empire of Fife was both allied and in disputes with. We are always looking to expand and get our number into the hands of the influential and the interesting.
ANGUS
Will my smartphone do the trick?
INTERVIEWER
Perfect! Alvina will make sense of it! Now that that’s settled, I would normally offer to seal the deal with a bottle of Veuve Cliquot, but I think this case calls for something else.
ANGUS
(APPROVING) Mhmmm.
INTERVIEWER
Therefore, I suggest we toast with the cocoa!
(SOUND OF COCOA BEING POURED INTO CUPS. ANGUS REACHES OVER AND PICKS UP ONE, THE INTERVIEWER PICKS UP THE OTHER CUP)
INTERVIEWER
What shall we toast to? How about your fiery death?
ANGUS
(SLIGHTLY AMUSED) That’s a bit morbid, isn’t it?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, you’re right. Oh, I know! To Schiehallion!
ANGUS
To Schiehallion!