Chapter Text
Alright, today's the day. I went through ranking up from a Parkour Noob to a Parkour Master, to the Parkour Champion and finally, to the Parkour God, just for this moment...
Getting my top surgery done. (vine boom sfx)
In Parkour Civilization, most people don't need surgical operations done. Since it's Minecraft, you can't really break bones or burst your appendix. But, in an unexplainable turn of events, it turns out that I'm actually.. assigned E-Girl at birth.... and I’m really not trying to be an E-Girl forever.
So, I'm parkouring on the Master level of Parkour Civilization over to the Top Surgery building that I had my Master Friend bring into existence, since he's the champion. He'll probably be going here in a few days for his own Parkour Top Surgery as well, since we both turned out to have the same issue.
Oh, just great.
The entrance to the Top Surgery building is a 5 block, fenced end neo-jump with a candle landing. Isn't this totally transphobic? I mean, if I wasn't the Parkour God, I'd barely be able to make this jump... but, since I am the Parkour God, this is no trouble for me.
Woah! (vine boom sfx) I almost slipped off, but crouched just in time to avoid falling.
Alright, I'm finally in the Top Surgery building now.
Ever since I abolished blue collar work as the previous Parkour Champion, no one's been able to figure out what jobs they're supposed to do, or who's doing the jobs at all. I've been hoping that my Master Friend took care of that stuff while I've been doing my -ahem- godly duties.
As you'd expect, the actual way to get top surgery, as well as perform it, is parkour. As long as the surgeon and the patient finish their parkour courses in time, the surgery would go perfectly without any botching, but I don't really know who's going to be my sur....
Seawatt?! W-why are you in the Top Surgery building?!
"What? You didn't expect to see me here, did you? You totally assumed that I was a cis man this whole time, Evbo?"
He was right.. I didn't think other Parkour Transgender people existed aside from me and my Master Friend, but apparently Seawatt was one too. It.. actually made sense, now that I think about it..
Huh. So, why are you here?
"Well, Evbo, back in the erased level of Parkour Civilization, a building just like this one existed too. I got my Parkour Top Surgery there before it got erased by the Old Man...."
Oh wow. I didn't think there was a Top Surgery building in the Parkour Fighter level... Why did the Old Man delete it entirely and not bring at least the Top Surgery building back? Was he transphobic?
"It doesn't matter now. What matters is, I'm going to be your Parkour Surgeon, Evbo." (vine boom sfx)
Wait, wait. You? My Parkour Surgeon? I'm not sure I entirely agree with this, Seawatt.
"Well, then who else is it gonna be? I've already had my top surgery, see? And I'm probably the only one in modern Parkour Civilization to actually have it."
I mean... I guess you have a point, but I still don't entirely trust you, Seawatt. I mean, you tried to destroy ALL of Parkour Civilization.
"Well, I said sorry already, didn't I?"
You didn't.
"Well, whatever. I don't need to explain anything to you. You can either get your Parkour Top Surgery from me, or get some random Parkour Master to do it. But would they be able to do that? No one but me and your Master Friend's gonna have the guts to perform Parkour Top Surgery on the Parkour God."
Ugh. I hate when this guy is right.
"Well, Evbo? The Parkour clock is ticking."
... Fine. I'll let you be my Parkour Surgeon. Just.. don't mess it up. I'm Parkour God, after all.
"See? That wasn't such a tough decision."
It was, though—
"So, do you have any idea how Parkour Top Surgery works, or do I have to explain it to you?"
Well.. I just know it involves parkour, and that the patient and surgeon has to do parkour together to make the operation successful.
"That is the gist of it, but Parkour Top Surgery is actually more like a Parkour Race."
What...? It's a Parkour Race?
"Yeah. Who do you think invented Parkour Top Surgery, Evbo?"
I-I don't know. I thought it would've been the previous Champion or something?
"No, it was the Parkour Villain... well, before he became the villain."
(vine boom sfx) It was the Parkour VILLAIN? Is that why the Old Man imprisoned him and erased the whole level? Was he really transphobic after all???
But, how's it gonna work as a Parkour Race..? I mean, you literally died to a Parkour Race. And then I brought you back.
"Yeah, yeah, and I already said my thanks so we can get over that topic now—"
You, you say didn't thanks though. You Parkour Battled me immedia—
"Anyways. It's just a Parkour Race, the surgeon has to win against the patient's Parkour Breasts to get rid of them for the Parkour Top Surgery. Doesn't sound too complicated."
Wait, wait, wait. You have to race against my BREASTS?
"I mean... Yeah? How else are we gonna get rid of them?"
I.. I... I don't even know anymore.
"Since you're the Parkour God, I assume your breasts have a similar Parkour skill to you... I'm just a lowly Parkour Master, so I'm not really sure if I'll be able to beat them, but.. we'll just have to see!"
I'm really starting to regret my decision. Can I back out?
"You're gonna back out of a Parkour challenge? Seriously?"
I mean, it's really not like you're that good at parkour, Seawatt.
"You're not wrong... but you gotta have faith in me, Evbo. This is... my only chance to make things right between us."
It really isn't your only chance, it's not even the best way to—
"Alright, Evbo. I challenge your breasts to a Parkour Top Surgery Race!"
Oh boy. This is not going to end well.