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Beef felt like it was going to be a difficult night. Maybe he was just anxious with how tense he'd felt this evening. Pause was out at his odd night shift as always, though he’d have the day off tomorrow, be back before Beef woke up (Beef was always a late riser, always thought he could stay up until Pause got back from work, but he always fell asleep on the couch while a show was running. Pause would tease him for being an “old man” as soon as he walked in, which was enough to briefly wake Beef, before he crashed again).
It was different tonight.
Etho said he’d take the couch. Probably just felt bad for "barging in." Beef tried to convince him to take his bed, that he’d stay up for Pause anyway (he wouldn’t), but Etho wasn’t willing to take the bedroom. Other than that, he tended to be quiet.
School was hard, Beef got it. He was surprised Etho was even keeping up, considering how he was like when he was younger…
He had grown up a lot. Changed from the kid that wouldn’t talk at all, that needed someone (Beef) at his side at all times, constantly worried about school or interactions, or any required after school activities… there was always something wrong that tended to have him wound up and overly exhausted. Which, to be fair, that part of him was still there. Obvious in the way that he sat at the small card-table Beef and Pause owned, putting all his focus into whatever project was going to be due over the weekend.
Beef interrupted him for dinner. It wasn’t anything special, just heating up a couple frozen meals. Better than what they had at home for a while. The mealtime itself was reminiscent, awkward and quiet.
“You sure you don’t want to take my room?”
“I’m fine, really,” he said pretty firmly. Which, that was something new. Etho never really had an opinion on things.
To be fair, a lot of things can change in four years. It was just… weird.
“Ok. If you’re sure. Don’t stay up to late working on…” Beef looked over his shoulder. He was playing minecraft.
“I finished it a while ago,” he said. “My friends started a server a while back. We’re trying to keep it running. Might not work out though, with everyone getting busy.”
Beef smiled lightly. It was nice to see Etho in some good spirits, playing a game with his friends.
Maybe things wouldn’t go poorly tonight just because it was a Friday night. Just because sleep was always difficult on a Friday night. Just because Beef preferred the couch on a Friday night, because he was able to see where everyone was. He might get no sleep on the weekends, but that was how he wanted it, knowing that… There wasn’t anything that happened, if he was there on guard.
But just because Beef struggled on the weekends didn’t mean that Etho did too. Pretty presumptuous to think that he’d never grown up.
Beef headed to bed, hoping that he’d get at least a bit of sleep. It was pretty early, though. He’d stay up for a bit, just because. The smallest part of him worried that…
Not that there was anything to be worried of. Like he concluded: Etho was grown up now. They weren’t kids anymore. Even though Etho was here didn’t mean that he needed it.
Beef ended up tossing and turning for a while, before giving up and scrolling on his phone.
The door opened. 1:00 AM.
He expected for light to stream in the room, but the rest of the house was dark. He could barely see the outline of Etho when he squinted. “Changed your mind?” he asked softly, though debating teasing. He knew.
He knew.
Call it older brother instinct, a gut feeling, or a habit. Whatever it was, Beef shouldn’t have convinced himself tonight wouldn’t go down like this.
Etho climbed in bed right next to him, the only difference from then to now being that Etho was significantly older… and taller.
“How’re you liking it here?” Beef asked, trying the small talk but knowing that it probably wasn’t what Etho needed. Just. It was easier. Easier to ask around the topic because the last thing that Beef wanted to bring up was then. No reason getting caught up in the past when they were in the now.
“It’s different. Louder.” Etho spoke a bit quieter, voice still steady, though almost timid.
“Thinking about staying over tomorrow night too?” Beef asked.
“Maybe. But I’ll…” He paused and Beef got the sense that he might want to talk directly instead of the “in circles” method Beef was trying. “Saturdays aren’t that bad.” Rather, Fridays were still bad.
“It’s going to be ok,” Beef said clearly, having to say it because Etho needed to hear it. He’d blindly hoped things were better. Maybe some things had changed.
Not everything.
Etho scooted up right next to Beef, waiting for Beef to wrap an arm around him. Beef pulled him into the hug he was wanting, keeping steady as always. That’s all he needed to be.
“If it was going to be ok, it would be already,” Etho said, almost tensely. Behind it, the words were weak and broken. Beef held him tightly, knowing that’s really what he needed. Some stability in a world where things were changing. He was in a new state, out of the house he’d always known, expected to be an independent adult when he wasn’t that much older than a kid.
“It can still get better. It will get better,” Beef said firmly. He needed it just as much as Etho did. Etho shook his head, trembling now. It felt like being at square one. Beef took a deep breath, needing to manage his own worries before trying to be of any comfort. “You’ve grown a lot, buddy. I’m proud of you. The Etho I knew, when I first graduated, was one that couldn’t talk to anyone but me and Pause on a good day. Got overwhelmed with school constantly, to the point where I'd have to stay up late with you, working on things until you were confident with it. And, I don’t know if you remember it, but when you were really little, you were really sensitive. Like, a lot. And… and I thought, you know, when I left—”
Beef’s voice hitched from a breath, and he had to slow himself down before he actually started crying, recounting everything. “I thought that when I left, you were… you’d get worse. I wasn’t sure what would happen. It’s like— I was the only one you had and I abandoned you, and…” He took another deep breath. Man, this was hard. He shouldn’t be falling apart this easily, not when he was the one Etho was going to. There was someone better, probably.
(Etho was right, more than likely. They couldn’t recover at this point.)
“You don’t know how relieved I was when you told me you had some friends. When you couldn’t call every Friday because you were too busy having fun. I was… quite honestly, I was ready to stay up all night on call if I had to.”
Beef only barely noticed that Etho was shaking, maybe because he was too focused on keeping his own composure. “You’ve grown a lot, even if you don’t realize it,” Beef said, his voice watery now. He hugged Etho tighter. Selfishly, because he needed the hug too. He needed to be able to feel that this was real. That they made it this far.
“I missed you,” Etho said, ever so quietly, voice shaky. Not quite watery, but nowhere near the tense stability it was before. “It’s been hard.”
“I know.” Beef squeezed him again, in a death grip Etho probably hated. “But you’re strong.”
“I kept busy so it wouldn’t…”
“It’s not weak to have people who can support you,” Beef told him, voice a bit steadier again. “I have them here. You have them on your little server. It… actually makes you stronger, to be able to tell people the scary stuff, and to be supported.” It had admittedly taken him a long time to learn that one. And he’d learned it the hard way, confiding after ages of hiding and managing his fears with sleepless weekends and overloaded school schedules.
“Can I sleep in here?”
“Yeah. I wasn’t getting any sleep by myself anyway.”
A few hours later, Pause came back, peeking in the bedroom. Beef woke up just barely. Etho hadn’t moved an inch in his sleep, still lying over Beef’s arm. (Which. He couldn’t feel his arm. And that was really going to bother him pretty soon, but whatever.) “Got a new roommate?” Pause teased.
“Yeah. Want to join us?” There was clearly not enough space.
“Nah. I’ll leave you to it.”
Beef, in typical fashion, fell asleep again hardly five minutes later.