Chapter Text
By the time Buck realizes just how badly Eddie is actually doing, it’s only because becomes a work hazard.
They’re going on three months without Christopher, aside from one awkward, basically silent Facetime that ended abruptly, and a couple thumbs-up reacts to TikToks Buck sends in the groupchat with the three of them.
They know that Chris is okay, logically. Eddie’s mom has sent Eddie updates, even some pictures, but they’re getting fewer and farther between without a clear end in sight.
It’s not like Buck didn’t try to get Eddie to talk about his feelings throughout the summer.
But as the days went by, Eddie kept brushing it off by saying he was going to therapy, and Buck’s time was increasingly taken up by his new relationship or by all the dirty work Gerrard had him doing as punishment for mouthing off.
Outside of work, he was running out of non-Chris excuses to spend time together, especially after he depleted any and all work Eddie needed help with around the house by July. Sometime between fixing the faucet that takes forever to get hot and the oven light that randomly turns on and off, Buck ran out of projects that made sense.
And at work, it was never the right time to talk. All he noticed was there was a correlation between how short Eddie’s responses were and the darkness of the bags under his eyes.
Frankly, Buck wouldn’t be sleeping either if his parents had swooped in and taken away the most important person in the world to him. Hell, he’s kinda been in fight/flight/freeze mode himself since Chris left, and Chris isn’t even technically his kid. In practice, of course, is different. But ultimately he doesn’t feel like he has the right to grieve the way Eddie is. And worse, he doesn’t know how to help and not risk making it worse.
Until he has the forced realization that it’s as bad as he can let it get without doing something, anything.
Said realization is forced by Eddie collapsing on the job.
Buck thanks the universe and every possible god out there that nobody else is around to see it and overreact. Or to see Buck’s reaction.
They’re responding to a call in the hills; a group of high schoolers had been on a hike with their geology class when one student fell down into a narrow cave hidden by overgrowth and two well-intentioned (if not illogical) teachers went down after him.
On their way up, everything seems normal. Buck’s rambling about how he and Tommy just went on a hike up here, and Eddie’s letting him ramble about it.
For what it’s worth, he’s ranting about how the hike sucked. Or, well, the conversation did.
Gerrard had come back from the hospital loopier than ever and made it his personal mission to bug the shit out of Buck for a few weeks. Buck had been trying to complain to his boyfriend about it, but Tommy kept brushing it off, trying to convince him to just accept Gerrard’s whole mentorship obsession, as though Buck would ever want to be anything like that guy.
“I mean, can you believe that? I’m confiding in him, and I’ve explained why I hate this guy, and Tommy should get it better than anyone, having worked under him. But it’s like he’s blind to the asshole’s terribleness or something.”
He’s not exactly requiring a response from Eddie, which is why he doesn’t think twice about not getting one.
Today, though, the terrible asshole in question is back down at the truck and had tasked Hen with helping the teachers safely back down to where the rest of the class was waiting. And Chimney, Buck, and Eddie have the tougher job of getting the teenager, now complete with a broken leg, unstuck.
They’re able to lift him out and onto the stretcher smoothly, then Chim and Eddie do what they can to patch up his leg to prevent it from getting any worse between there and the hospital.
But when Chim starts wheeling the stretcher down to safety, Eddie completely freezes and doesn’t follow, which Buck notices immediately from behind him.
“You good, man?” Buck asks, with all the casualness he can muster because Eddie seems to be swaying.
He sees Chim round the corner of the path with the stretcher and leave their line of sight. Then, in a split second, Buck is somehow against Eddie’s side, arm around his waist to stop him from fully hitting the ground. His legs had just… given out.
“Eddie!?” Buck shakes him to try to make him alert.
He’s dead weight in Buck’s arms and while he could easily lift him, thank you very much, he knows the best move is to slowly bring him down to a seated position and check his basic faculties. His head’s leaning against Buck’s shoulder as he does so, and he lets out the soft kind of almost-inaudible groan he does when he moves positions in his sleep.
“Eddie, please? Are you okay?” He almost whispers this time, not wanting to attract the others’ attention until he thinks it might be helpful. His free hand rises instinctually to where Eddie’s shoulder and neck meet to stabilize him.
As long as Eddie is breathing and he can feel a pulse under his thumb on the side of his neck, he’s telling himself he’ll be fine.
Once they’ve made it to the ground, Eddie’s legs folded underneath him in a way that cannot be comfortable but was necessary, Buck is crouched in front of him, still holding his torso up with one arm and the other still cradling the back of Eddie’s head and lifting. This is what finally brings him back, and Eddie raises his chin up slowly like he’s waking up.
“Eddie, can you hear me?” He frantically grips his fingers in Eddie’s hair as he holds his head up.
“Huh?” His eyes open and it takes a moment or two for them to focus on Buck in front of him.
“You just… collapsed?”
“I did?” He looks around, down, then back up to meet Buck’s eyes again. This seems to be when he realizes just how close they are and how much he’s relying on Buck’s grip to stay upright.
Eddie straightens himself up, clearly able to hold his own weight again, but Buck doesn’t want to let him go.
“I— I’m alright.”
“No the hell you’re not,” Buck pulls a hand away to check Eddie’s wrist pulse, but keeps the other gripping his waist.
“Just. Just tired.”
Their eyes meet again, Buck finally noticing just how glazed-over Eddie’s are. Eddie heaves a big breath before pulling back, away enough that Buck can’t reach him anymore, and stands up slowly.
Buck follows suit instantaneously, ready to grab him again at a moment’s notice.
Their spontaneous death-glare competition comes to a draw when they hear from down the trail, “Diaz! Buckley! You better not be—”
“Coming, sir!” Eddie bellows back, breaking their eye contact and starting to walk toward the voice, clearly not wanting to hear the rest of Gerrard’s not-so-wise-crack.
Once Buck shakes himself out of his confusion, he catches up with Eddie and falls into step next to him. “Eddie, please—”
“Don’t.”
“But—”
“I’m fine. We can talk about it later.”
Obviously, Buck doesn’t believe he’s fine, but he’s walking steadily now, if anything with more of a purpose than necessary, and he’s seemingly normal levels of alert.
“Promise?” he asks meekly.
Eddie doesn’t respond, just speeds up to join their team at the truck.
Back at the firehouse, Eddie makes a beeline for the bunk room and Buck silently and expectantly follows suit, despite the lack of a promise.
When the door closes behind them, Eddie lays down on the closest bed, facing the ceiling, and crosses his arms over his chest.
“So?” Buck prompts, tentatively sitting on a bed across from Eddie’s.
“So what,” Eddie says, unproductive as ever and refusing to look his way.
“Are you… like… sleeping okay? Eating? Hydrated? Like, why would you collapse ? Don’t you get just how bad it could’ve—”
“Okay, okay. I get it, Buck, slow down.”
Buck scoffs. “You can’t just— what if— Eddie. What’s going on?”
He closes his eyes and sighs. “I’m just tired, okay? Didn’t sleep much last night.”
“How much is not much ?”
“Huh? I dunno. Few hours?”
Buck doubts that. If he listens to the voice in his head, the fearful one that’s been on high alert at least since Eddie started swaying up on that trail, he sincerely doubts that.
“Just drop it, Buck, please .”
“No. I can’t believe I didn’t—”
Eddie opens his eyes at this, and finally turns his head just enough to meet Buck’s eyes. “At least let me try to sleep here, okay? It’ll solve the problem you’re so amped up about after all.” He almost petulantly grumbles the last part under his breath.
“Fine. I’ll join you.” Buck shifts to pull his legs up on his own bunk and mirrors Eddie’s position.
“Whatever, man,” Eddie scoffs, before turning on his side to face the wall, arms wrapped around himself and scratchy LAFD-provided blanket disregarded still underneath him.
If it were anyone else, Buck would feel like a creep watching them and cataloging every breath to try to tell if they’ve fallen asleep.
But it’s Eddie.
Which is exactly why he can tell that he isn’t falling asleep.
But Buck must, because he’s awoken by Hen slamming the door open and flicking on the overhead light, announcing, “Shift’s over, boys!”
Buck and Eddie simultaneously groan, and Eddie simply yawns as Buck thanks Hen for not forgetting about them.
They trudge into the locker room together to change, and Buck tries to start a conversation, “I can’t believe we didn’t get woken up by a call.” Sometimes they just have those days, and thankfully today was one.
“Honestly I’m not sure the alarm would have woken me.”
“So you did sleep? Good!”
Eddie just nods, quietly offers, “Yeah, I guess,” and turns to finish changing and grab his stuff.
“So, uh, what are you doing tonight?” According to his quick glance at his watch as he’s putting it back on, it’s 6:03 which means Hen literally waited until the minute their shift ended, bless her.
Eddie chuckles. “What do you think I’m doing, Buck?” Like it was a stupid question.
Buck isn’t exactly gonna say going home alone to sit in silence and somehow try to cope with the Chris-sized hole we have in our hearts , so instead he says, “Don’t know. That’s why I asked.”
“Okay. Nothing.”
Buck shrugs his bag strap onto his shoulder and joins Eddie at the door where he had been waiting for him to walk out together. “Well, then. I don’t suppose you’d wanna—”
And because someone out there has divine fucking timing, Buck’s phone rings. The ringtone he set to only be for Tommy.
Which Eddie seems to have deduced by now, if the poorly-concealed eyeroll is enough to go off of. Buck isn't sure when Eddie and Tommy went from flying to Vegas together and chest-bumping to only really interacting through Buck, but he’s too uncomfortable at this point to outright ask.
He denies the call instead.
His guilt triggered by finally noticing Eddie’s exhaustion after way too long takes precedence.
“Anyway, I was at Bobby’s the other day—have you seen his new kitchen yet, by the way it’s gorgeous—and he showed me this new recipe—this, like, roast thing I promise you’ll like it—so… I was thinking maybe I could make it tonight? For us?”
Eddie half-smiled and despite clearly trying to hide another yawn, agreed. “Sure, Buck. That’d be nice.”
The drive to Eddie’s place after work used to be automatic for Buck. But lately, he’s been spending most evenings either at Tommy’s place, or his own loft (with Tommy), or out elsewhere (with Tommy). Which is why it’s not completely unfair of Eddie to ask when they get out of their cars at the same time and walk to his front door, “You sure you don’t have other plans tonight?”
Tommy had sent a follow-up text while Buck was driving, simply a question mark. Buck still has to reply and back out of their plans tonight (because Eddie needs him), which he’ll do ASAP.
Obviously.
“Yep, I’m sure.”
They make it inside, Eddie relaxing into a seat in the kitchen as he usually does to chat with Buck while he cooks, and it’s only upon seeing Eddie’s bare pantry and fridge that he realizes they should have stopped for groceries.
“Eddie, what the hell have you been eating?”
Eddie shrugs. “Takeout, sometimes… frozen meals?”
Buck doesn’t like that it sounds like a question. He sighs and checks the freezer and sees a frozen pizza, that should be easy. He’d like to make something else to go with it but a second glance in the fridge reveals literally only beer, condiments, and some of Buck’s oatmilk.
Whatever. He’ll make it work, he decides, preheating the oven and grabbing a beer for each of them.
“So… what are we in the mood for tonight? Trashy reality show or cheesy drama?”
By now, those have turned into their two options. Earlier this year, when they were hanging out more, Buck finally got Eddie into many of his shows he would probably classify under guilty pleasures.
Normally on chill nights in, they’d either watch a movie that Chris and Eddie couldn’t believe Buck had never seen, or whatever heartwarming comedy show they were all working through together. They had been almost done with their latest sitcom when Chris left though, and it was definitely not an option to watch things like that without him.
Now, Eddie normally chose trashy reality shows, which people who don’t know him might not expect. But Buck gets it. They’re mindless, and for 40 minutes, the biggest problem in the world is whether the artificially-tan British girl thinks the skeevy tattooed guy is ‘there for the right reasons.’
Point is, Eddie chooses trashy reality show and Buck decides on the new season of this extra silly one where he knows Eddie will love making fun of the contestants.
“Sorry, one more time, what exactly aren’t they allowed to do?”
“Okay, they aren’t allowed to have any sort of… sexual intimacy.”
“But they’re supposed to find love?”
“Yeah, or as this girl—” (the one being introduced right now as a podcaster and entrepreneur) “—would say, find their person . The whole thing is that usually in the real world they only have shallow, sexual relationships but now they have to find a genuine emotional connection first.”
“I don’t get it, if they’re the kind of people who don’t normally do that then why would they sign up for this?”
“Oh that’s the best part! They don’t know the rules until the end of the first day there.”
Eddie laughs and shakes his head. “I might need something stronger than this,” he picks up his beer to take another sip.
They make it to their third beers by the end of the first episode, which is when Buck remembers the oven.
“Oh shit, sorry! I gotta put the pizza in, hang on.”
From the kitchen, he can hear the upbeat credits music then the recap at the beginning of the next episode. Based on the first season, he thinks they’ll start to ramp up the ridiculous challenges in this episode, so he does actually grab a big bottle from the top shelf that he knows somebody had gifted to Eddie at some point.
As expected, Eddie is grateful and being loosened up by the alcohol makes him genuinely invested in the show.
“Wait, wait. Those two idiots cost everyone three thousand dollars, just for kissing?”
“Right!?”
“But they share beds… they don’t get punished for, like, cuddling?”
Buck shakes his head. “Nuh uh.” That part never made sense to him honestly, it’s still intimacy.
“But how do they know if they… you know… do anything under the covers?”
“Oh my god , they have night-vision cameras in the bedroom.”
Right on cue, the show cuts to the feed from the night before to expose that couple’s further transgressions under the covers.
Eddie is scandalized , acting like a critical commentator now, starting to talk more sluggishly as he sloshes his drink dramatically. “Do they not care that they’re surrounded by people? Let alone cameras?”
Buck tries to focus on all the other beds around the one with movement under the covers centered in frame. “I mean— wait. Do you see that?” Now he’s a critical commentator too, pausing and rewinding a few seconds. “Look! There!” He points at equally suspicious movement in the bed barely in the corner of the screen that he remembers two girls are sharing. Alejandra and Emily, he thinks.
They wait for them to cut back to everyone poolside, hearing the night’s cash deductions. Alejandra and Emily are cozied up together in a seat clearly meant for one person. And they don’t get called out.
“No way the producers… missed that?” Eddie muses.
Buck can’t even be proud of him for how much he’s learned about how these shows work, because he’s trying to decide whether to be confused or angry on their behalf. Now that he thinks about it, two guys last season were also really close, shared a bed, then left without coupling up. With girls, that is. “I don’t think they count it.”
“Huh?”
Buck is annoyed, really, but he can’t help but hold in the giggles amplified by how much he’s drunk. “I think they only expect straight couples. I bet they haven’t caught on to the fact that they’re anything more than platonic gal pals .”
“Oh. I wanna say good for them, but that’s kinda…” Eddie trails off.
“Yeah. It is.”
They sit in silence for a few minutes then, watching as the two suspiciously-close girls spend all their time together, intimately helping each other put on makeup separate from the rest of the group, et cetera. The odd number of girls versus boys allows them to happily team up for a tantric yoga challenge.
Buck has flashbacks of Taylor dragging him to a similar partners’ yoga class only for them to leave early because she just had to pull him into his Jeep to practically jump his bones. Seeing all these blossoming couples discovering the merits of conversation and innocent physical touches like cuddling just reinforces how glad he is to be in a real adult relationship now where it’s not just about sex. Sure, Tommy doesn’t particularly prioritize casual physical affection without an end goal either now, but at least he was down to take it slow at first and have weeks of conversation and casual kisses before going any farther. And it’s not like Buck is touch-starved, he just has to be prepared for it to turn into sex (good sex at least!) any time he initiates physical affection with Tommy.
He definitely used to have more comforting physical affection in his life before Tommy, though, or at least before coming out. To Eddie, that is, the main source of such platonic physical touch in his life. But over the last few months, even before he started isolating himself when Chris left, Eddie had started to pull away from him. Literally. For years, on their movie nights they’d be pressed up against each other’s sides, but now they’re on opposite ends of the couch.
Thanks to noticing how all the other girls on the show are still touchy with Alejandra and Emily despite them clearly having something going on, and Emily even mentioning being bi, he can’t stop thinking about it.
It’s probably just because Eddie is a guy, and guys are less affectionate to begin with.
The episode ends with the last uncoupled guy, the Hispanic model/aspiring actor, in a confessional foreshadowing how excited he is for new girls to enter the villa. He makes a comment about how he had been interested in Alejandra, but ‘for some reason she only spends time with Emily.’
As the credits roll, Eddie clumsily places his now-empty glass on the coffee table and clears his throat.
“I can’t decide whether you’d suck or kill it on this show.” He’s swaying again, but at least he’s seated and Buck knows this time there’s alcohol to blame.
“Hey!” Buck exclaims. “I can control myself. Now. Currently having a boyfriend aside, I’d kill it.”
“You’re telling me if you were sharing a bed with… her—” he points at the one who the recap is showing lost money for kissing, “—and she started getting all flirty and, like, whispering how it’s not even that much money , you wouldn’t give in?”
Buck tries to picture himself in her partner’s spot, when she climbed on top of him to straddle him under the covers and started trying to tempt him, and no, even to his own surprise deep down, he’s not tempted. “I don’t— I don’t think so.”
But then some invisible force in his brain switches it up, and he imagines being one bed over, so sharing with that uncoupled model/actor guy with the big, warm brown eyes instead. Same situation, him climbing on top of Buck and trying to start something. He has no idea why, but that seems harder to resist.
His brain quietly reminds him that he was just thinking about how Eddie might be a little uncomfortable around him now, so he decides to harmlessly test it. “That guy Teo though… maybe.”
Eddie tilts his head back and forth like he’s considering. “Okay, okay, fair. You gotta admit I’d kill it though.”
Buck’s deeply confused for a second before he remembers the original question about being good at abiding by the show’s rules. “Oh. Yeah.”
He doesn’t want to outright ask what Eddie’s thoughts about dating for real are now, but thankfully Eddie steers the conversation in that direction himself. “How does one even end up on a show like this?” he muses, still looking straight ahead as they do some silly challenge about painting with their bodies, or on their bodies, or something, Buck doesn’t know, he’s just paying attention to Eddie.
“Eddie Diaz, considering going on a dating show?”
“I mean, I’ve got some free time.” Buck winces at this, but Eddie plows forward. “Plus, then I could stop being a third wheel.”
“Hey now, when have you ever been a third wheel?”
He sees Eddie’s fingers gripping his own thighs tighter for a second before releasing. “I didn’t mean it in a bad way… just that… you know. You’re all in happy couples and I wanna hang out too, you know? A double date is just easier.”
Buck almost wants to take this opportunity to ask if that’s why Eddie pulled away from Tommy after the three of them had hung out just a few times.
But Eddie continues. “It’s not like it’s a bad thing that you spend a lot of time with him!” Okay, so they’ve dropped all pretense of all of Eddie’s friends being in happy couples, and moved on to it being Buck-specific. “It’s good, seriously! I’m so, so glad you’re happy, Buck.” His ‘s’ sound is a little slurred now. He finally turns to face Buck, to reinforce his sincerity probably.
“Thanks…” Buck says, trying to use their restored eye contact to better understand Eddie’s real point here.
Eddie’s cross-legged now, leaning back against the arm rest so the swaying isn’t a problem anymore. “That’s why it makes sense, you know?” He’s blinking slower than normal, and in any other circumstance Buck would feel guilty taking advantage of his vulnerable state to try to drag honesty out of him.
But after earlier today, he’s craving as much openness as possible.
“What makes sense, Eddie?” he asks quietly, not wanting to shatter what they’ve got going.
“Just that… it’s okay that you didn’t notice, it’s not like anyone can do anything to help anyways.” He seems oddly bubbly for this conversation, but alcohol and a silly, oversaturated dating show with excessive pop music playing in the background will do that to you.
Buck knows in his gut that Eddie means what he ‘didn’t notice’ was just how dark Eddie’s mental state had gotten, but he wants him to say it explicitly. “Notice what?”
“The… the not sleeping thing. I’m sorry, I know you want me to talk about things. But I promise I did in therapy. My therapist even suggested some solutions, it’s just that none have worked yet. Then today, of all days, in the goddamn firehouse of all places, was the best I’d slept in… a while. And I swear I wanted to tell you, it was just never a good time, you know, and you’re always with Tommy, and again that’s okay I promise I’m—”
And again with the divine fucking timing of the universe, that’s when Buck’s phone timer for the pizza goes off.
“Oh! Pizza time?” Suddenly, Eddie’s bubbliness isn’t so misplaced. Buck really doesn’t want this conversation to end there, but he knows Eddie is big on pizza not being too crispy so he sighs and gets up, only a little bit dizzy.
“I’ll get it. Just… stay here.” He tries to think of something lighthearted to say that doesn’t put an end to this conversation forever, and all he comes up with is, “Let me know if Teo likes any of the new girls.”
In the kitchen, he turns off his phone timer and sees the text from Tommy still sitting in his notifications. “Fuck…” he mumbles to himself, quickly typing out a shallow but hopefully satisfactory explanation: sorry Eddie needed help at home can’t go out tn
Nevermind that he’s easily two hours late in replying, the response his oh-so-gracious boyfriend sends is the same as it’d probably be no matter how long it took: It’s fine. Hope he’s okay. Call when you can?
The pizza is in fact, perfect crispiness, based on Eddie’s loud reaction of pleasure as he bites into his slice.
Buck blushes, and asks, “Good?”
Eddie nods frantically. “Ugh I missed your cooking. You’re so good to me, Buck,” he says through a second bite of previously frozen, generic-brand grocery store pizza that Buck simply put in the oven.
Unsurprisingly, even through multiple slices, manufactured relationship drama of veneer-ridden Europeans, and too-intimate-to-watch-with-your-straight-friend sexy moments, there isn’t another opportunity that allows for further serious discussion.
Buck does however take note that some combination of sleep deprivation, sexy people on television, and whiskey is a potential avenue to extract honesty from his best friend.
And like always, they have an unspoken agreement that the couch is his for the night once they’ve finished eating and somehow watched halfway through the season.
After the lights are out and Eddie is gone behind his bedroom door, Buck tosses and turns more than he usually would, though, mentally combing through every little thing Eddie said and did today, looking for closure that he eventually realizes he won’t get until they talk about it all again sober.
Sleeping on the couch, while still not quite as comfortable as a bed, isn’t that bad really since somewhere around year two of their friendship when Eddie started giving up his nicest pillow to Buck.
So he does happily fall asleep eventually, he figures, as he wakes up feeling well-rested to light flowing through the curtains and the smell of coffee wafting from the kitchen.
He trudges into the kitchen, trying to straighten out his messy hair and rub the sleepiness from his eyes.
“Coffee?” Eddie offers when Buck enters the room to find him leaning against the kitchen counter with two mugs in front of him.
Buck grabs the one Eddie usually uses for him and of course it’s perfect because while Eddie may not be buying himself nutritious groceries, he always makes sure to have Buck’s favorite brand of coffee and oatmilk.
“How’d ya sleep?” Buck asks, clearing his throat and downing more hot coffee to get rid of the morning raspiness.
Eddie doesn’t answer for a moment so Buck freezes in his path towards a chair and turns to look at him.
“Eddie?” He sounds more like himself now.
“Huh? Oh, yeah. Slept fine. You?”
“Hmm. Same. But really?”
Eddie chuckles and joins Buck in sitting down. “Actually, yeah. Promise. Must have been the alcohol.”
“Or you spent all your mental energy on being frustrated with that stupid show last night.”
“Yeah. Or that.”
Buck clears out soon after waking up, wanting to give Eddie the option of a day to himself before they spend yet another 24 hours together at work.
Little did they know that the shift in question would be one of their best in a long time.
It’s officially in the running for best shift ever in Buck’s mind when an hour in, Gerrard gathers them all and announces his retirement. He closes with: “So, team, while it’s been an honor to whip you all into shape, frankly it’ll be even more of an honor to wash my hands of it all and never see your sorry faces again after today.”
“Wow, thank you so much for your kind words, you’ll be so missed,” Chimney snarks sarcastically, turning on his heel and walking away without fanfare from where they had been gathered by the ladder truck.
“Hope you enjoy retirement!” Hen exclaims, practically skipping after Chimney.
“Congrats, sir,” Eddie says emptily, before going back to working out.
Buck is left in disbelief, like it’s almost too good to be true. That, and he just doesn’t have anything to say to this man. Despite Gerrard’s attempts to build some sort of mentorship after Buck saved his life, he never felt comfortable nor did he want to be all buddy-buddy with someone so filled with hatred who had spent years demeaning his best friends in the most disgusting ways possible.
So he just follows Hen and asks if she thinks this means Bobby can finally come back.
“That, my dear Buck, is what I am working on right this second,” she says while typing furiously on her phone.
That shift, there aren’t any natural disasters, they bring all the victims from their calls safely to the glass doors of the hospital, and in their downtime, Chimney starts a betting pool on which republican cesspool of a town in Florida Gerrard will end up retiring to.
Most importantly, Eddie is able to fall asleep in the bunk room again, after Buck enters to collapse on a parallel bed an hour or so after Eddie disappeared into there.
In the end, Bobby does come back the following shift and it feels like a puzzle piece in the giant mess of their lives has fallen into its correct spot.
Another puzzle piece falls into place that weekend at Bobby and Athena’s new place where they’re all celebrating them finally being settled into the house as well as Bobby’s reinstatement. Mara shows up with Hen, Karen, and Denny, separately from Maddie, Chim, and Jee-Yun. That’s when Hen announces they have even more good news to be celebrating tonight, as Mara was back in their home as a foster, and the adoption would be finalized by next week. No wiggle room this time, their lawyer guaranteed.
It helped that in the whole process, it had been uncovered that Councilwoman Ortiz had a whole paper trail of fraud and accepting bribes from city employees who would have otherwise been fired for harassment, discrimination, and more. Funnily enough, Hen relayed, if Gerrard hadn’t retired, that whole investigation likely would have brought him down too as his name appeared on the list of said city employees.
There’s hugs all around, everyone so relieved for Hen and her family. After congratulating Mara, Buck catches Eddie’s eye across the patio, a complicated look there, and decides to go sit next to him.
He doesn’t feel the need to say anything, he knows they’re both thinking about Chris.
The last person to arrive is Tommy, just coming off his shift. Buck waves him down and gestures for him to join him and Eddie on the wicker three-seater where he saved him a spot on his other side.
Athena and Hen are just starting to propose a toast to all of this good news, so Tommy holds up a finger and first makes a pitstop to grab drinks for the three of them.
And yeah, it’s not ideal that Tommy brings him a hard seltzer which he hates (and which he’s pretty sure he’s told Tommy he hates), but he’s happy to have him here to celebrate. Plus he hands Eddie his favorite brand of beer.
“What exactly are we celebrating again?” Tommy whispers against Buck’s ear after sitting down next to him, pressing closer.
“Oh, I could’ve sworn I told you. Gerrard retired!” It’s hard to keep his excitement on an appropriate volume level so as to not interrupt Athena’s praising of Bobby’s dedication to the job.
“Oh.” It sounds like Tommy wants to say more, but Buck tunes in to Athena’s spiel instead.
“My husband here suffered through the stupidest job imaginable—”
“Hey! Lay off, mom,” May interrupts. She’s made it known by now that she’s unironically a fan of Hotshots and loved having the inside scoop from Bobby.
“Sorry, honey, but it’s true. He isn’t meant for sitting around on the set of a cheesy procedural all day, he’s meant to be a fire captain. ”
“To Captain Nash!” Hen adds, raising her glass, seemingly sensing everyone just wants to get to it .
Everyone echoes her, and Buck turns to clink his drink first with Eddie’s, then with Tommy’s.
“So, Eddie,” Tommy starts, leaning forward to talk around Buck, “Evan makes Gerrard sound like a tyrant. But I’m curious what’s your take on it, as a fellow army man. I’m sure you know how Evan can be about authority.”
Buck doesn’t object, because it’s lighthearted and also there’s no point in starting an argument with his boyfriend, especially in front of bystanders. Besides, he’s right. Buck has authority issues. Plus, Tommy is much more mature than Buck is, and Buck knows by now that means he can have a more accurate read on things like this.
Eddie chuckles dryly, taking another sip of his beer before responding. “Well, I think Buck is right. Honestly, ‘tyrant’ might be too nice for what that man is.”
Validated, Buck nods. “See? Told you, good riddance.”
Tommy shrugs. “I dunno, guys. He wasn’t that bad when I worked under him.”
Okay, well, Buck has ammo to make sure he doesn’t let that one slide, at least. “Tommy, I literally watched him make a gay joke about you to your face at that medal ceremony.” Not to mention the passive, casual homophobia and racism that infected his everyday vernacular.
“I mean, that’s just normal from the good ol’ boys in this line of work, especially his age. You grow a thick skin after a while.”
Buck catches Eddie’s eye as he shifts away from the two of them, towards the far end of the bench.
Buck can’t hold himself back. “I don’t think anyone should have to ‘grow a thick skin’ to tolerate their boss being a bigot.”
Eddie rises at this, and excuses himself with something quiet and vague about the bathroom.
“Evan, ‘bigot’ is a strong word, don’t you think?”
“No, I think it’s accurate. You didn’t hear the shit he said to Eddie, alright? And the others, Hen, Chim, and Ravi. I’m not even comfortable repeating it, and I doubt they want to.”
He thinks on it for a second before continuing, opening back up a wound that he had tried poking at over the months, unsuccessfully.
“Are you really sure he was never like that to Hen and Chim back in the day? They kinda implied he was. And even, what, like, 15 years ago… racism is hard to miss.”
Tommy shakes his head, sighing. “He was hard on them, sure, but he was hard on us all. Plus you know how we all tease probies a little, that’s all it was.”
Buck wants to ask what he means by we , by tease , by it , but is cut off by Jee-Yun running up to him.
“Uncle Buck!”
“Hey, kiddo!” He heaves out a breath as he boosts her up to sit next to him. She brings her half-eaten pink-frosted donut she acquired god-knows-where with her.
“Hi there,” Tommy says.
She looks at him, almost unimpressed, before turning back to face Buck and kneeling up on the seat to be more at his eye level. “Mara moved out,” she pouts.
“Yeah, I heard, but it’s good she gets to be with her moms again, right?”
“And brother!” she adds.
“Ha, yeah, him too. They missed her a lot, you know? They’re happy that you guys took good care of her, but it’s hard to have a piece of your family not at home.”
She takes another bite of her donut as she absorbs this. Through a mouthful of sprinkles and frosting, she says astutely, “Like Chris with you and Uncle Eddie?”
And ouch, that one hurts.
He feels Tommy’s hand grip his shoulder, and he instinctively shrugs it off, not wanting to signal vulnerability because he knows by now that Tommy is tired of Buck’s ‘dramatics’ over Chris ‘just spending the summer with his grandparents.’
So he simply nods.
And of course, she all but jumps to wrap her little arms around him in a comforting hug, clearly forgetting about the donut as it ends up bouncing off Buck’s lap into Tommy’s in the process.
“Thank you, Jee,” Buck says, returning her hug.
He barely even registers Tommy’s annoyed groan until he feels him stand.
And he doesn’t register the catalyst until Jee pulls away and Buck sees pink frosting all over both his and Tommy’s jeans. Of course, he doesn’t bat an eye, he’s used to kids and knows something like this washes off super easily, but maybe Tommy doesn’t. Because he’s rolling his eyes which seems like an overreaction, especially when it’s at such a cute kid.
Tommy tries to signal something to Buck with his eyes, but he’s not sure what. So he directs Jee to go in the general direction of Maddie with the suggestion of finding a replacement donut.
“Sorry, sorry, let’s go clean up, alright?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“It’ll come right off.”
Tommy nods at that, and Buck has a feeling that’s not the only reason he’s annoyed.
The feeling is confirmed when they get to the bathroom (side note: Eddie is not there so Buck isn’t sure where he ended up) and Tommy says, “Y’know, it’s just like Howie’s kid to not like me.”
He doesn’t know what to say to that, it sounds so silly but Tommy seems so serious. “Um… she’s three .”
“Yeah?”
“She doesn’t… not like people. She’s just a kid, and she doesn’t know you.” He decides to just run the warm water and wet a towel to scrub at Tommy’s clothes first. Maybe that’ll help fix his mood.
Tommy shrugs. “Whatever. This is why I can’t stand toddlers though. No spatial or social awareness.”
Can’t stand… toddlers. Okay. Sure.
Feels excessive but whatever.
“What do you expect, perfect grace and charm? How many kids have you even spent time with?”
“Not many, but I’m fine keeping it that way.”
Nevermind the fact that this topic hasn’t come up in full seriousness in their months together, so Tommy can’t know Buck’s own desires, but Buck would be hurt regardless. “That’s my niece, you know. Who I love very much.”
“Right, sorry, it’s not about her. She’s cute, I guess. I just don’t like kids.”
He can feel his face turning into a similar state as Jee’s pout earlier and he can’t help it. “You know I…” He has to do it, he can’t just let Tommy’s comments that bother him slide every time. “I want kids one day. I always have.” Nevermind all the times he’s brought up missing Chris, and Tommy has changed the subject or worse, poked fun at him for it.
That stops Tommy in his tracks. He pulls away from Buck, and grabs the towel from his hand to finish cleaning off his jeans himself. “Oh, well… um.”
“Yeah.” Buck isn’t sure what else to say. This isn’t exactly a conversation he planned on having with his first boyfriend in his surrogate parents’ bathroom while covered in pink frosting on some random Friday night.
Then, thankfully, there’s a knock on the bathroom door they had left open a few inches.
“Heyyyy, Buck,” May enters slowly. “Oh, hi Tommy,” she says to Tommy upon seeing him too.
“Hey.” Buck reorients himself, and switches gears to cleaning off the remaining frosting from his own clothes. “What’s up?”
“Eddie had to leave early, I guess, and he told me to tell you I could give you a ride home.” She pauses, then directs to Tommy, “You too, of course!”
Buck can feel his brow furrowing. That’s really not like Eddie, to up and disappear like that and leave Buck behind, especially since he was his ride.
She sees Buck’s confusion. “Don’t worry, your place is on the way to my apartment.”
Buck still doesn’t know what to say, but thankfully Tommy jumps in. “Thanks for the offer! We’ll be out in a minute, alright?”
She looks between the two of them, then nods. “Sure. I’ll just be…” she gestures vaguely over her shoulder then trails off and closes the door behind her.
“What’s her name again?” Tommy asks quietly.
Buck meets Tommy’s eyes again, and now he’s just annoyed. “May!? You’ve met her like four times now, dude.”
“ Dude ?”
And yeah, okay, that was a little weird of him to say. But he’s in a weird mood, and it feels like there’s some palpable tension crammed between the two of them in this small space.
So Buck just moves on, “You gonna take her up on the ride?”
Tommy blinks a few times in rapid succession, looking toward the door then back to Buck. “No, I— I have my car. And I thought you’d… come home with me later?”
Buck shakes his head without a second thought. “I gotta get home soon. I remembered I’ve got… stuff. Chris stuff.” He knows that’ll shut him down. Sure he might feel guilty about using Chris as a lie later but for now he just needs some time to think. Alone.
Tommy doesn’t even point out that it’s after Chris’s bedtime in El Paso by now. Because of course he doesn’t think about things like that. But he does try one more time, “I could still give you a ride to yours now?”
“No, don’t worry about it. Stay. Enjoy yourself.” He pats him on the chest and gives him a quick and painless kiss on the cheek, all he can stomach right now. And he’s more and more grateful by the second for Eddie and May giving him an excuse to get out of this situation.
He doesn’t give Tommy a chance to object, leaving him in the bathroom to go find May.
Sure, he doesn’t feel great about just pushing Tommy off on all his friends so he can go check on Eddie, which of course was his plan immediately once May said he left early. But he has a feeling Tommy won’t stick around long without him here anyway.
It’s easy to find May and he’s able to squeeze in a quick goodbye and ‘thank you’ to Bobby and Athena on their way out before Tommy even reappears.
They’re walking to her car when Buck realizes that he’s basically exploiting his boss’s 20-something daughter as a chauffeur while he has a perfectly fine grown-ass boyfriend inside that he should probably be communicating with rather than avoiding, and he starts having second thoughts.
“May, you don’t have to drive me home, by the way. I can still get an Uber, or a ride from To—”
“Buck, I offered! It’s okay, just get in,” she says, climbing in the driver’s side.
His sense that she caught on to the tension more than he originally thought is validated when she taps the steering wheel and hesitates to start the car.
“You okay? Tommy seemed… upset?”
“Yeah, just… still in the process of learning about one another, y’know? What we want in life, how that might differ… et cetera. Hurdles and all.”
The corner of her mouth turns up and she lightly chuckles. “Oh, been there. You’ve only known each other, what, a few months?”
He nods.
“Well, luckily, nothing’s set in stone yet, your relationship can evolve. Stuff you didn’t know or realize before will still be coming up for a long time and cause some waves. It’s kinda unavoidable and what really matters is if you decide you have something worth fighting for.”
Huh. She sounds a lot wiser than he’d expect from someone her age, but then again, she’s always been like that. “You speak from experience.”
She smiles kindly. “Let’s just say there’s a reason I’m headed out so early tonight. And that reason is waiting back at my apartment, and she’s ready to start an argument, or rather, continue an unfinished one.”
He doesn’t want to pry, but she seems to want to talk about it. So he gives her a moment and she continues.
“You met Tommy on the cruise ship rescue, right?”
“Yeah?”
“Funnily enough, I met her around the same time. At a—” she laughs to herself like she can’t believe she’s saying this, “—a watch party at my friend’s dorm for this dumb firefighter show’s season finale.”
“Oh my god it wasn’t—”
“It was. We were the two most invested there. Little did we know my stepdad would end up working on it just a few months later.”
“So…” he trails off and just basks in the calm for a moment. Bobby and Athena’s new neighborhood is quieter than most parts of LA. There aren’t any sirens, or music, or traffic, despite it being a Friday night. There’s just cicadas. And thought.
And then there’s beeping as May turns the key in the ignition, followed by sudden blaring pop music disrupting the short-lived peacefulness.
“Woah!” Buck laughs. He’s pretty sure this is the Chappell Roan song that Jee has been listening to on repeat, the first one she’s done that with that neither Chim nor Maddie actually minds yet.
“Sorry, sorry,” she winces, rushing to turn down the volume. “That was a little bit… on the nose. I was just saying, we had this big thing in common that started a lot of our conversations, right? She wanted to know what it was like being a first responder, then eventually she wanted set secrets from Bobby, then she wanted me to get him to influence the writers so this ‘will-they-won’t-they’ couple we’ve been rooting for for half a decade would— anyway, not the point. She was supposed to come tonight to actually meet my parents, but it didn’t come out until the last minute today just how much she’s not a fan of my mom’s profession, and inherently my mom herself. Which is a big part of it. And she has a point, sometimes, obviously. But it all started piling up after that. I’m obviously not a first responder anymore and at a certain point, I run out of stories. Bobby doesn’t have any sort of power over the fate of our favorite TV slowburn couple, not that he really did in the first place because trust me, he tried. Side note, don’t tell my mom, but he got just as invested as I am. But this one thing my… friend and I had, our thing, has kind of faded now, and been tinged, almost, as we’ve learned more about each other’s priorities.”
“And now?”
May sighs. “Now, I have to go home and drag a straight answer out of her one way or another.”
“Whether you have something worth fighting for?” Buck echoes her earlier wisdom.
“Yeah, exactly. And while I doubt whatever is going on with you and Tommy is as shallow as all this—” she gestures vaguely around herself and he wants to somehow reassure her she’s valid and has grownup problems too.
The next song starts quietly in the background right on time for Buck’s worldview to realign based on May’s next words: “Just keep all that in mind. That just because you have something in common to build the start of a relationship on, you should probably listen to your gut because it’s known you a hell of a lot longer than he has. And sometimes people are only meant to be in your life for a set amount of time, you can get good things out of one another then part ways, and that’s okay.”
“Yeah. Makes sense.” He thinks about his first appointment with his new therapist last week, and what he was finally able to put into words about his validation issues. He hadn’t connected them to Tommy until now.
“Anyways,” she starts energetically, turning on the headlights and pulling out into the street, “we both need to get home, don’t we?”
Oh, yeah. “About that… I know you said the loft is on the way to your place but—”
“You wanna go to Eddie’s?”
Um, okay. Wow. This girl might be a little too psychic for her own good. “I mean. If that’s not too much trouble.”
“No problem,” she says, already headed in the right direction.
“Did he… did he seem okay? When he left early?” Tommy aside, Eddie had been Buck’s ride there and it usually went unspoken that he’d be Buck’s ride home as well.
May contemplates. “I’m not sure. I’m sorry.”
He spends most of the ride asking about her classes and her plans for after she graduates next year, but also trying to think of a way to thank her for all of… that .
Buck’s key to Eddie’s house lives on his main keychain, obviously, so luckily he’s able to let himself in when he sees the lights are all out. If Eddie is asleep, Buck still wants to be around when he wakes up to hopefully chat over breakfast. He knows Eddie won’t mind because he’s done this exact thing before.
It’s just been a while, that’s all.
Reverting back to this old habit of theirs when they were somehow even more codependent really irritates that nerve in Buck’s brain that hasn’t stopped thinking about what Eddie said the other night.
“It’s okay that you didn’t notice, it’s not like anyone can do anything to help anyways.”
“I wanted to tell you, it was just never a good time, you know, and you’re always with Tommy.”
He doesn’t want to scare Eddie by breaking the silence in his house, so he very slowly makes his way to Eddie’s bedroom door. There’s still no light, but suddenly he can hear shuffling around. More than if Eddie was just moving in his sleep.
Then he hears some light gasps, like Eddie’s trying to catch his breath.
That’s what makes him decide he needs to make his presence known. So he tiptoes a few feet back towards the front door (despite it being basically pitch black he knows this house like the back of his hand) and purposely makes a lot of noise walking back to Eddie’s bedroom again so Eddie isn’t caught fully off-guard.
“Eddie?” he calls out, not too loud but loud enough to make it clear it’s him.
“Buck?” he hears a sleepy, muffled response, followed by something like a sniffle from the other side of the bedroom door.
He doesn’t know what to say so he goes with, “You alright?”
There’s silence for a beat, two, then, “Come in?”
Buck takes a deep breath and braces himself, trying to push out of his head any thoughts of the last time Eddie was hiding behind this bedroom door, not okay, with Buck on the other side.
Thankfully, this time, everything seems to be in its rightful place, and Eddie is sitting up in bed, at least not visibly distressed.
“You left early,” Buck prompts.
“I was tired,” Eddie offers simply.
“Did… did I wake you up?”
He hums and shakes his head. “Couldn’t sleep.”
“Still?”
He nods. The little bit of light streaming in, from the streetlights or the moon or whatever, illuminates his face in such a way that the shadows and eyebags are exaggerated. He won’t meet Buck’s eye.
“When was the last time you really slept through the night?”
Eddie shrugs.
He’s desperate to be taken seriously, so he doesn’t wait for an invite and makes the executive decision to move around the bed to sit down next to Eddie, on the empty side.
“No more bullshit. Please.”
“When did you come over and make pizza?”
“Eddie, that was a week ago!”
He starts getting defensive, “Well it’s not like I haven’t slept at all since then, huh? I get a few hours here and there when we’re in the bunk room together at work.”
Buck is keeping his eyes trained on Eddie’s side profile, and Eddie won’t look up from his hands in his lap, resting over the blanket.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” he confesses. “I’ve slept in 100 degree dry Texas heat without AC. I’ve slept in a war zone. I’ve been able to sleep alone, or in an empty house, perfectly fine for years. Until now.”
Huh. “So this has been a problem since…” Since his house became empty.
“Yeah. Since.”
He wants to ask how he didn’t notice for three months, how Eddie didn’t tell him, but he’s pretty sure that’s a thread Eddie doesn’t want pulled at again right now.
At some point, Eddie started picking at his nails, a habit of his that he hates but can’t stop when he’s anxious. And Buck wants to help, so without thinking about it, he reaches out to place his hand over Eddie’s and still the movement. That’s what causes Eddie to finally look up and over at him.
“I can—”
“Will you—”
They speak at the same time, cutting each other off.
Buck laughs at this, despite laughter feeling out of place in this moment. “You first.”
“I just wanna test… forget it, it’s stupid.” Eddie’s hands are shaking almost imperceptibly under Buck’s.
Buck levels him with a glare, earning a sigh.
“Fine. Would you… stay tonight?”
Makes sense. That’s what he had been about to offer, anyways. “Of course, Eddie.”
He shifts to get off the bed and go to his normal spot on the couch, but only makes it an inch or two before Eddie’s turning his hand over to grasp onto Buck’s to keep him where he is. “ Stay ?”
The way Eddie’s looking up at him should be illegal. It could persuade anyone to do anything, Buck thinks.
Of fucking course he agrees with a soft smile, settling down into a more horizontal, comfortable position, and dragging Eddie down with him by his hand before Eddie pulls his away.
They don’t cuddle , that’s not something BuckAndEddie do.
Even when they quarantined together in Buck’s loft years ago, once they had gotten past the few days of pretense of Eddie sleeping on the floor next to Buck’s half-empty bed, they didn’t let themselves cuddle when sharing Buck’s bed. They ensured that with a pillow between them. Just having that warm human presence nearby was sufficient.
But tonight, they do end up closer than is probably necessary based on the size of this bed. Eddie’s on his back and he wraps his arms around his chest in a protective way, as usual, and Buck lays on his side facing him.
“Thank you,” Eddie whispers out into the silence after he’s gone still.
They don’t quite touch, though they’re close enough that they easily could if one of them just moved a few inches. They’re close enough for Buck to clearly see the rise and fall of Eddie’s chest even out after just a minute.
They’re close enough for it to not surprise Buck when he wakes up in the morning to Eddie having rolled onto his side to face Buck too, close enough that he can feel his best friend’s steady breath dance across his own face.
They’re closer than they had started out, because in his sleep, Eddie had flopped one of his usually self-protective arms over to rest across Buck’s waist instead.
It feels too intimate—like he shouldn’t get caught like this.
But.
It’s also nice—comforting. He’s always been particularly affected by physical touch. And it’s not often that he gets to feel the steady grounding of another person wrapped around him like this without it being a precursor to something.
So he lets himself bask in it for a moment. Or a few.
It’s not until Buck carefully extricates himself, thanking the powers that be that Eddie sleeps through it, that he sees the pillow he had been using (as it had just been in that spot when he came in) and realizes it’s Eddie’s nicest one that he always gives Buck for the couch.
In a way, it all feels like a repeat of the other morning, after they ate pizza and watched that borderline abstinence propaganda, when Buck heads out to the kitchen to make coffee.
His hip is slightly sore, which is what makes him realize he slept on his phone since he never took it out of his pocket. In jeans, nonetheless. It’s dead when he retrieves it, so he plugs it in where he knows Eddie keeps the extra charger, then starts the coffee.
When Eddie emerges, sans eyebags, Buck immediately decides he’d do this forever if it meant a healthy Eddie Diaz. If Eddie would have him, that is. This whole morning routine feels so naturally them by now.
Make each other coffee, an easy breakfast, talk if there’s something to talk about but also maybe sit comfortably in quiet, rinse and repeat.
He imagines spending every morning like this, and he knows by now that Eddie understands him at his core enough to give in to such a plan. So there’s really only one thing holding him back. And that one thing apparently texted him multiple times while his phone was dead, based on the repeated notification sounds when it turns on.
He just needs to read the last one, sent 15 minutes ago, before he’s almost completely made peace with the situation: Can we talk. Soon.
So, fantasy bubble broken, on his way out of Eddie’s house, he sends a quick response to that last message: now?
Tommy doesn’t respond until early afternoon, even though he should know by now about Buck’s discomfort with last-minute uncertain plans like that. Nevertheless, they land on meeting at Tommy’s, following his response: Just come over whenever you can.
It’s in his best interest to be straightforward, he decides on the drive over. He knows he won’t be taken seriously if he openly says ‘hey we won’t work out because immature little me, a decade younger than you, hypothetically wants hypothetical kids.’
Deep down, though, he knows he probably won’t be taken seriously no matter what. If he wanted to turn this into a big blowup about that, he could.
But in the end, he doesn’t.
It’s a short conversation, amicable really, he lets Tommy take the lead as that’s the path of least resistance, and before he knows it he’s back in his car with no idea where he’s going.
In life, that is.
He does know where he should drive right now, and that’s to go see his sister under the guise of being a thoughtful younger brother and bringing her a late lunch at work. Only after picking up her favorite takeout does Buck text her a warning that he’s incoming, but he knows she’ll forgive him. They’re sitting down in the break room and Maddie has clearly caught on to the fact that he has something weighing on him, but she’s waiting to take it at his pace.
Except, that’s when Josh walks in.
“Buck, hey! How’s it going?”
“Oh, hey. Um, good?” It’s not very convincing, which is weird, because he’s really not upset. He’s more… confused. Confused how a relationship that was so monumental for him could have been going fine for months then suddenly fizzle out like this.
“Josh, we were just about to—” Maddie starts tensely.
“Why don’t you join us?” Buck asks, because maybe he can get double the input, and from someone who might know the subject a little bit better than Maddie. He wouldn’t ever say something like that to her, of course. She’s a great ally, but Josh just has a different perspective.
“Uh, sure!” he says tentatively, but warmly, and gets his food from the shared fridge before sitting next to Buck.
“So…” Maddie tries.
“Well…” he’s not sure there’s a better way to say it, “Tommy and I broke up.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Why? I thought things were going well with him.”
Suddenly, Josh lightly chokes on his food. “Mm, sorry. Sorry. Just— I might have missed a chapter. Who’s him — who’s Tommy?”
After a lifetime of being siblings, of course Buck doesn’t miss Maddie’s subtle eyebrow raise and glare in Josh’s direction. He’s not sure why though.
“Oh, yeah. My— well now my ex-boyfriend. Turns out I’m bisexual. So.”
All caught up, Josh just nods to himself. “Okay, cool.” Then his face flashes a look of realization. “Ohhh, Maddie, is that why you were—”
She clearly kicks him under the table based on the audible bang and him cutting himself off. “Buck, what happened? Are you okay? That’s what’s most important.” Okay, he’ll come back to… that… later on.
“I’m alright. The main thing I’m upset about is that…” he blushes. “He… he was my first boyfriend. It’s like he opened up this whole world for me. I never consciously thought about liking guys like that until he kissed me. I feel… guilty that it couldn’t work out with him after everything he’s done for me.”
Josh nods. “Sure, but it’s not like he made you bi? So he was your first kiss with a guy, first guy crush, whatever? That doesn’t mean he had to be the one . Just like your first girl crush wasn’t the one.”
And, huh. That makes a lot of sense. Except for one part.
He says it without thinking. “He wasn’t even my first kiss with a guy anyway, not really. And definitely not my first guy crush.”
“I’m sorry, what ?” Maddie stares at him.
“Yeah, I mean, like I said, I never… let myself consciously think about liking guys like that . Or at least the possibility of anything romantic happening. Until he kissed me and immediately asked me out and I realized my jealousy must have been a crush.”
“But…” Josh prompts.
“ But … you know the years most people spent finding themselves in college? I spent those years traveling, picking up jobs on beaches full of hot, young, adventurous tourists. In swimsuits. Tourists of all genders. So of course I— I dabbled.”
Images of said dabbling (read: clumsily and impulsively getting off) flash through his head against his will, from that guy whose name he never got in a bar bathroom, to Connor, to another roommate from his early days in LA.
“Y’know, in retrospect, a lot of what I channeled into petty jealousy or trying to project masculinity, it definitely came from being overwhelmed by how— how hot some guys were. It was almost like I was trying to prove something to them, or myself, or the people around us, I’m not sure. Turning things with them into a competition, or in the worst cases, causing basketball-related injuries.” He laughs a bit at the last one, before he shakes his head to physically send the thoughts away, like he did for years.
“I’m confused,” Maddie says. “Then how did you not think about liking men until Tommy of all men—”
“No, I get it,” Josh cuts in. “For me, it was my best friend in high school. My brain, it built this barrier up between what he and I had physically and what I thought a romantic relationship would be. It’s like the internalized homophobia convinced me that what we were doing—which was very much not platonic—didn’t ‘count,’ you know?”
“Yeah, like that! Anyways, that’s a whole other conversation. Point is, this is the guy who really made it click. And like you said, sure, he didn’t make me bi, but it still stings a bit because of that.”
Maddie hums. “Is that the only part that stings though?”
“Kinda. The final straw ultimately was that we just weren’t… compatible. As human beings, with what we want in life.”
Buck’s met with two perplexed looks, so he continues.
“I didn’t wanna say anything in case I was interpreting it all wrong but… I just felt so icky seeing how much he didn’t like kids. Like, sure, he got along with Chris last spring, when Eddie was there too. But with the younger kids, with Jee , he would just get annoyed so easily. And I know that the person who’s meant to be my partner would love kids the way I do. And then he just… said it. At Bobby and Athena’s, he said he didn’t want to have kids.”
“Oh, Buck…”
“And the way that made me feel, it just cemented what I do want in a partner.”
“And what is that?” Josh asks, curiously.
Buck pauses for a moment.
Who would make him feel the most comfortable, safe, loved?
Someone who he doesn’t even need to tell what he wants, they just know that he wants it because they want it too. And they’ll put effort into making it happen.
Someone who supports him and respects him, looks at him and sees him not only for who he is now but also sees how far he’s come.
Someone who gets him, really gets him at his core, like to the point where he wouldn’t have to explain his hard-to-follow train of thought or his reasons for being the way he is. They would just know and accept the way he is. In a dream world, it’d all be part of what they love about him.
But that’s a lot , so.
“I guess… someone who wants kids one day. Or at least isn’t an asshole to them. Because that was the catalyst really. Because he just… outright said it and for some reason all I could think about was how I literally could have a teenager tomorrow if god forbid—”
Um.
Maddie and Josh both stare blankly at him.
“If— uh.”
Shit.
The worst part is he probably could have played it off as totally meaningless if he didn’t freeze for so long. So he just gives up.
“Eddie, he— a couple years back, he updated his will. And while I’m not exactly planning on—” he gulps, “anything happening to him, he said that I’d be responsible for Chris, and it’s— it’s just a thing. It’s what I was thinking about—Eddie and Chris. Not really the point, but yeah. Okay?”
The two others look at each other in unison, then back at Buck.
“Okay,” Maddie says, clearing her throat. “Just curious, when did this breakup happen?
“Like—” he glances up at the clock on the wall. “An hour ago?”
She inhales sharply. “So you haven’t told Eddie yet?”
Buck shakes his head.
“You should do that,” Josh says, and Maddie hums in agreement.
Buck’s not sure why they both seem so definitive that that should be his priority right now, but he’s also not inclined to question it super deeply. Their break is technically over by now, so he lets them go, pinky promising his lovely, patient sister that he’s okay and that he’ll talk to Eddie.
But first, he’ll take an afternoon to himself, with a comfort movie like Dirty Dancing or When Harry Met Sally or something else with a happy ending where everything gets wrapped up tightly in a beautiful bow by the 90-minute mark.
And then, an evening to himself, thinking about what Eddie is up to, then what Chris is up to, then very briefly what Tommy is up to, which brings him right back to Chris.
Eventually that night, by himself, Buck is completely unable to fall asleep. He had desperately tried nature noises, meditation podcasts, even counting sheep. How that one works for anyone is beyond him, it’s so boring .
He just can’t get comfortable, feeling suffocated by an evening of silence.
An evening in a cold loft where he looks around and all he can see is the spot where Tommy kissed him for the first time, or the stupid uncomfortable couch where they moved past kissing for the first time, or the bed where…
Anyway, it’s like his brain is overflowing, like when you let water boil over. His synapses feel like tires starting to burn out and smoke when you spin them too long. And he’s starting to get an ocular headache, he thinks, like when you stare at a bright light without blinking.
It’s at least an hour of flipping back and forth with no end in sight, his thoughts still spilling over in his mind, on overdrive, and freefalling too close to the sun.
Sue him, he’s too tired to settle on one metaphor, alright?
Since he isn’t any less wired than he was when he first got into bed anyway, he decides fuck it and grabs his phone.
He texts Eddie without a second thought: u up?
Then a follow-up upon reading it (only after sending, because sleep-deprived Buck forgets about impulse control): not like that
lol
ykwim
are you awake!
?*
He’s seconds away from sending another follow-up apologizing for all the follow-ups, when his phone starts vibrating and his screen fills with Eddie’s contact photo, a picture Carla took… god, over 4 years ago. Nine-year old Christopher is the star, absolutely beaming on the skateboard that Buck and Eddie built him. In the original photo, you can see Buck and Eddie, one on either side of Chris, but in the contact photo it’s cropped to just show Chris a bit and focus on Eddie. Eddie is looking sideways, must be at Chris, eyes soft and grin wide. His genuine uninhibited smile. Like he’s looking at his whole world.
Buck always loved that picture.
Anyway, he only allows himself a second or two of looking at it before answering Eddie’s call.
“I didn’t wake you up, did I?”
“Buck, come on.”
“Right. The not sleeping thing. I think it’s contagious and I caught it from you, by the way.”
Eddie laughs quietly and there’s some shuffling in the background. Buck tries to picture where he is right now. Probably laying in bed, on the left side. Probably wearing an old, soft t-shirt and sweatpants, or boxers if he’s hot tonight. It sounds like he’s trying to get more comfortable.
“I can’t stop thinking.”
Eddie hums. “Wanna share what about?”
Not so much, at least not over the phone.
He needs to see Eddie.
“Does this whole…” he almost whispers, “sleep support thing go both ways?”
“Huh?”
“Can I— can I come over?” he holds his breath.
“Oh, Buck, of course you can.”
He can hear noises in the background again, this time like Eddie is standing up, turning on his lamp, maybe.
“I’ll make you some tea, or hot cocoa actually, it’ll be ready by the time you get here.” The way he doesn’t even hesitate warms Buck’s heart (with a cherry on top of how he knows Buck prefers hot cocoa over tea).
He does go over, not even bothering to change first, and Eddie does have cocoa ready, and tea for himself, in the kitchen when Buck lets himself in.
In the soft light, both of them hunched over the table, Buck says into his mug, “I accidentally told Maddie about…” he gulps, “about your will. About Chris, and me.” It’s weird because they haven’t exactly talked about it since the first time. Alluded to it, maybe. But there just hasn’t been anything more to say.
“Oh.”
“I was just trying to explain a lot of things when I was talking about why Tommy and I broke up—oh yeah we broke up by the way—and it just slipped out. I’m so sorry—”
“Wait, wait. First of all, you don’t have to apologize, it’s not some big secret that you’re like a second— that you’re the person who— who loves my son the most, after me. I bet anyone who knows the three of us wouldn’t be surprised that you're who I trust with him. But, Buck, how did that— how does that connect to you and Tommy breaking up? What the hell happened?”
Buck sighs in relief. “That was just— um, nothing huge, really. It just wasn’t meant to be, y’know? Like suddenly, I couldn’t continue to force myself to continue ignoring all the ways we were mismatched.”
Eddie squints like he’s still trying to decipher something.
“The straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak, was that he doesn’t want kids, okay?”
“Oh. And you…”
“Of course I do. And it’s not like I was ever even picturing that with him, it’s just… it’s what made everything click into place. Like about how he doesn’t get me, doesn’t really know me, and most importantly, doesn’t really care to.”
And of course, with a stomach warmed by hot cocoa and his eyes already drooping a bit due to the sheer comfort he feels upon entering this house, he just keeps going.
“Like, not to be TMI, but he wouldn’t even cuddle me if it didn’t lead to— y’know. Something more. Hell, even Taylor knew how much physical touch meant to me. And he’d roll his eyes whenever I talked about something ‘immature’ like video games or that Instagram account with the cat and dog that are best friends, you know the ones. And he’d make what I think were jokes, but they just weren’t funny, and he wouldn’t laugh at actual jokes that I made, so I just… didn’t make them around him anymore. And you know what, when he called me ‘Evan’ that way he did, that stupid, condescending way, he sounded like my fucking parents!”
Eddie winces and that’s when Buck meets his eye. His instinct is to apologize for complaining about such trivial things, but before he can, Eddie says, “Thank Christ.”
“ What ?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know about all that, obviously. But the vibes were… off. Especially with the name thing. Then once he basically defended Gerrard, I was fully rooting for you to… move on. Just— you can do so much better, Buck. I’m sorry it ended, because I know that’s… discombobulating for you, even if it’s for the best, but I’m even more sorry that you spent months like that.”
Oh.
There’s silence for a moment as they both finish their warm drinks.
“So… did he ever explain why he wouldn’t just call you Buck?”
Buck laughs bitterly at that. “Not so much, no. But I have a feeling it ties back to the immature thing. Y’know, like my parents think. Nicknames, and all that. Which is ironic because Tommy is literally a nickname, but whatever.”
“Huh. Well, good riddance, hmm?” Eddie says somewhat uncharacteristically, as he picks up both their mugs and goes to put them in the sink.
Then Buck remembers why he had spent hours contemplating how to talk to Eddie about this all. “Wait, Eddie. You don’t have to like… be on my side about this. I know you’re friends with him t—”
“Buck, are you kidding? Even if he and I hadn’t drifted apart over the last few months, honestly even if I’d known him five times as long as I actually have, and even if I hadn’t heard… stuff from Chim and Hen, I’d still side with you here. You’re— you’re… everything. You’re good, and worthy, and he is absolutely in the wrong if he couldn’t see that and act accordingly. Got it?”
He’s made his way back over to stand by Buck still seated at the table, close enough that Buck has to tilt his head to look up and make eye contact.
“Buck?”
Eddie’s eyes are so kind, and in this soft light they look deeper than usual, like he could stare into them all night and find new universes, and not get tired of it.
“Buck.”
“Yeah, um. Yeah.” Buck forces a yawn to break the tension.
“I’ll finish up out here, if there’s anything you need to go do to get ready for bed?”
Of course there’s a toothbrush in the cup in the bathroom for him. Yellow. Normally, it’s alongside a blue one (Eddie’s) and a green one, but the green one has been gone for months now, so it’s a lonely twosome in there.
After brushing his teeth and splashing water on his face to try to clear his head once and for all, he exits the bathroom, only for the owner of said blue toothbrush to grab his upper arm.
“Where y’going?”
“Oh, um, the couch?”
It’s dark, the only light left on being the lamp in Eddie’s bedroom shining through the doorway next to them.
But even in the minimal light, he can see Eddie’s cheeks darken as he says, “Don’t be ridiculous. The last thing you need is back pain. Just… c’mon.”
They both seem to be holding their breath as Eddie uses his grip on Buck’s arm to pull him into the bedroom.
And again, it feels like a routine somehow already, even though this is only the second time. They take their spots, Eddie on the left and Buck on the right, and Eddie reaches out and turns the lamp off once Buck has settled down, comfortable and laying on his back.
Buck thinks back on their earlier conversation for a moment.
He quietly wonders, “What did you mean that you heard stuff from Chim and Hen? About Tommy?”
Eddie shuffles onto his side to face Buck, and Buck turns his head to meet his gaze. “Oh, um.” He shifts like he’s uncomfortable, even though his bed is very much satisfactory. “Nothing huge, really. Just that he kinda… enabled Gerrard back in the day. More than he let on to us since we met. Or at least to me. But I assumed you didn’t know either, because—”
“I wouldn’t have stayed with him that long.”
“Exactly.”
They let silence take over, Buck not knowing what else he can or should say about this.
Buck thinks there’s a good few minutes between when they whisper their ‘goodnight’s and when Eddie slowly shuffles closer, but he can’t be sure of how time is passing in this silence.
It’s like the room is suspended from the rest of reality, everything is still and warm and safe and natural.
And he doesn’t even jump when Eddie presses up against him, slowly like he might be half-asleep, and Buck doesn’t wanna startle him away. He ends up with a leg curled over both of Buck’s, crossing at their knees, and an arm wrapped around his waist again. His head lands just against Buck’s shoulder, so he can feel Eddie’s breath on his upper chest and tell from that he’s not actually asleep.
He must just be really tired.
Buck’s heart and breath both stutter when Eddie tightens the grip around him, in all their points of contact, like he wants to make sure he’s not going anywhere.
Then Eddie mumbles something against Buck’s shoulder that Buck can’t hear. But he’s still terrified to break the moment, to scare Eddie away or make too big a deal out of nothing. So he just hums a vague question-mark-sounding noise.
And Eddie pulls his face back slightly, just half an inch or so, and says to Buck’s chest, “Can’t believe the fucker wouldn’t even cuddle you.”
His voice is so quiet, almost apologetic, and he is almost slurring his words as they’re both almost asleep by now, but Buck hears it all. Again, he doesn’t know what he could possibly say that is right in this moment, so instead he just responds by shifting ever-so-slightly so he’s facing Eddie a little bit more, so they’re a little bit more inextricably intertwined.
There really isn’t anything else to do other than just let this happen.
Sometimes, when he’s really struggling with a decision, he’ll imagine himself in the future. A month, six months, a few years out. He’ll try to think from that perspective—try to imagine what that version of himself thinks he should have done in retrospect. Hindsight is 20/20, right?
And sure, it probably stems from escapism as a coping method in his childhood or something, but it works.
So that night, with all other worldly distractions blocked out by Eddie Diaz wrapped around him, Buck just has one train of thought: hoping that he won’t one day look back on this as the beginning of a downward spiral of laughably bad decisions.