Work Text:
Simon
"Ye're just bein' a wuss," said Simon as he reached for the spliff. He tried to grab it, but his hands suddenly became useless.
Simon lifted his hand to his nose and discovered that both his hand and arm were now covered in light fur, and where his fingers used to be, he counted four... no, five toe beans?!
Paws? Simon thought, flexing his muscles to reveal his newly acquired claws. As Simon went to touch his face, he discovered voluminous whiskers and sharp canines protruding from his mouth.
Well, this is a new development, he thought, but it didn't really bother him.
"How ye feelin'?" Renton's voice boomed from above. Simon turned to see Renton looking at him with concern, now impossibly large from this new perspective.
Fucking weird, Simon tried to say, but what came out was a pathetic meow. So it was settled then. Simon was a fucking cat.
Renton's brow furrowed in concentration. "Ye're no makin' any sense, mate". His hand brushed over Simon's back, and Simon arched up into the touch, surprised at how nice it felt. "Yer fur is really soft though."
Better have a proper look then, thought Simon. He leapt off the sofa with newfound agility and darted towards the bathroom. The locked door posed an unexpected challenge — operating a doorknob required opposable thumbs, which Simon didn't have anymore.
Can you just...? Simon started, looking at Renton but only managing another meow. Frustrated, he scratched at the door, leaving faint marks on the wood.
"Okay, Ah'm coming, Jesus!" Renton sighed, getting up to open the door.
Once inside, Simon gracefully leapt onto the sink and observed his reflection in all his majestic fluffiness.
Of course, there shouldn't have been any doubt that Cat Simon would be as devastatingly handsome as Human Simon. His fur, so luxurious and sleek, practically glowed under the soft light. The creamy hues of his coat melted perfectly into the darker shades at his ears, paws, and tail. The contrast with the fur colour made Simon's light eyes stand out beautifully, and the vertical pupils added to his regal elegance. The final stroke was his magnificent tail that swished behind Simon like a silken banner.
Perfection, thought Simon, admiring his exquisite feline form. Absolutely majestic.
Then his gaze fell onto the toothbrush holder, and suddenly, Simon felt a pang of inexplicable annoyance. It looked ridiculously stupid, and the brushes just stood there in an absolutely offensive manner! Without thinking, Simon batted it off the counter, feeling unexpected satisfaction as it clattered to the floor.
Inspired, Simon aimed at the shaving cream next when he was unceremoniously lifted from the sink. "Oi! No need tae go mental oan the bathroom, ye wee shite," Renton said in his ear.
Unhand me, peasant! Simon protested, his eloquence reduced to indignant yowling. Renton held Simon firmly in one hand, scratching behind his ears with the other, and surprisingly, that wasn't too bad.
Perhaps being a cat had its merits. If Simon could only figure out a way to communicate with Renton... Otherwise, who was going to tell him how stupid he was?
Over time, Simon developed his methods to address the issue. Sure, Renton wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but really, what could you expect from a hairless ape?
Simon discovered that sitting next to objects and staring at Renton usually got his point across. Closed doors were handled by persistent scratching, but Renton quickly figured out that Simon hated them, and it became a non-issue.
Food proved to be the biggest challenge. When Renton first presented him with dry cat food, Simon was absolutely appalled. Are ye kiddin' me? he meant to say with his most withering stare.
"Come oan, just try it," Renton said. "That's whit cats eat, Simon."
Simon made a point of tasting it, then promptly vomited on the rug.
"Fur fuck's sake," Renton sighed, cleaning up the mess. "Why do ye have tae be such an arsehole?"
After several attempts, Renton finally found wet food brands that Simon deemed acceptable. Now and then, he would try to sneak in some budget cat food, thinking he could fool Simon.
Simon would look at Renton with disappointment, as if to say, I thought you were better than this, demonstratively sniff at the food and lay by the plate with the most miserable look.
"Aye, fine, ye picky bastard. Ah'll get ye yer bluidy organic salmon mousse. But ye owe me one fur this."
Despite these hurdles, Simon found out that cat life had its perks. He spent most of his days sleeping, napping, dozing off, snoozing and taking siestas. Sometimes, he'd humour Renton by briefly chasing some stupid toy across the living room — after all, even human servants needed occasional exercise and mental stimulation.
Simon dedicated the remainder of his time meticulously tending to his fur. Keeping his coat looking as magnificent as possible required a lot of maintenance, and clearly, there was no one else to take care of his hair routines. Simon quite enjoyed grooming himself and didn't even mind throwing up a hairball or two every so often.
Apparently, Renton turned out to be ideologically against nightly fur vomiting sessions. Soon enough, he bought a range of hair brushes with different bristle types and spent a good amount of time each day brushing Simon's resplendent coat — finally, some service around here.
That is not to say that living with a human servant had no downsides.
Sometimes, Renton would leave and not come back for a long time. After Simon had exhausted all possible napping spots and polished his fur to absolute perfection, he'd suddenly feel really lonely. That's when he'd resort to peeing on Renton's shoes — a clear message to stop the human from going out so much.
But infuriatingly, Renton didn't seem to grasp the nuance of this subtle communication.
"Awright, mate," Renton said one night after coming home late, his voice tinged with exasperation, "If ye keep oan peein' aroond, Ah'm gonna need tae take ye tae the clinic tae give ye the snip."
Simon had never been so offended in his entire life. He could feel the hair on his neck rise. Touch my jewels, and that would be the last thing ye do in yer life, you furless maniac! he hissed, arching his back and trying to make himself look as menacing as possible.
Renton looked at him with a weary sigh. "Then stop peein' oan stuff, will ye?" he said, sounding defeated. "Are ye actin' oot 'cause Ah left ye alane aw day? Whit if Ah promised Ah'll try tae be hame mair, aye?"
If you gave me more attention, I wouldn't need to go to such extremes, thought Simon. But once his balls' safety was guaranteed, Simon magnanimously rubbed himself against Renton's legs as a peace offering. Of course, when Renton tried to pet him, Simon deftly evaded his hand — Simon couldn't let his human subject think he was entirely forgiven.
Despite these periodic conflicts, Simon found that life with Renton as his human had its moments.
"Ye know," Renton said one evening as Simon curled up next to him, "Ah think Ah prefer ye as a cat. Yer a bit less of a bawbag this way."
Deep down, Simon could see the appeal of being a cat. Yet, he resented that Renton had a preference; Simon deserved to be adored in all his forms. To make his point, Simon responded by knocking Renton's glass of water over.
The best part of the day was undoubtedly bedtime. Each night, Simon would curl up on Renton's chest, generously allowing his dedicated groomer to pet and fawn over him. He'd even let Renton scratch his belly — in reasonable amounts, of course.
Renton would kiss him on the forehead and call him the fluffiest kitty in the world — or a pain in the arse — depending on the day. Simon would feel that weird rumble starting in his chest and let his inner engine generate purring vibrations of contentment.
And as Simon drifted off to sleep, breathing in Renton's comforting scent, he thought that maybe living a cat's life wasn't too bad, after all.
🐾🐾🐾
"Ye come doon yet?" Simon hears Renton's voice over his ear as Renton's hand grabs him by the shoulder. It feels strange for some reason — and then Simon realises that that's because Renton is normal-sized now — or rather, Simon isn't cat-sized anymore.
Simon opens his eyes, and the reality snaps back into focus. The trip stopped as abruptly as it had begun — but it felt so real.
"Aye," Simon manages, blinking at Renton. He flexes his fingers, half-expecting to see paws, but his hands look as human as ever. Simon is sitting on the sofa where he had started the trip. "How lang was Ah oot?"
A moment ago, Simon was living an entire life as a cat, and now that he knows it never happened, he's left with a strange sense of loss, as if it had.
Renton glances at his watch. "Aboot ten minutes, mate." Bluidy hell.
Simon automatically lifts his paw — his hand — to scratch at his ear, confirming a disappointing lack of whiskers. How ridiculous.
"Ah was a cat," says Simon, still a bit disoriented.
"Ah figured."
"How'd ye figure that?"
"Oh, Ah didnae know," Renton says sarcastically. "Maybe it was when ye climbed oan ma lap and licked ma face. Or when ye meowed at me tae open the bathroom door. Naw, wait. Ah think it was when ye said, Ah quote, 'this cat's life is pure smashin'," Renton slurs his words in what is probably quite an accurate imitation of Simon's voice on salvia.
Simon groans. "It was, though," he says, mentally congratulating himself for not having thrown up on the rug or peed in Renton's trainers in real life. "Ah had a whole cat life, with ye as ma human servant."
"How very ambitious of ye," Renton laughs.
The trip was as intense as the dealer had said it would be. It was that new stuff from Mexico, a totally legit psychedelic that's out of your system in less than a day. The effects were supposed to be short but extremely powerful. He had also called it "the cat's whiskers," as Simon later told Renton when recounting the conversation.
"Who the fuck says 'the cat's whiskers' anymore?" scoffed Renton, not showing much enthusiasm. "Did ye buy it from ma deid grandma or whit?"
Not really a grannie, but a bloke who knew a bloke who knew a bloke who he came with good recommendations.
"Ma mate vouched fur him, and Ah heard aboot this stuff before," Simon insisted. "Should be a nice trip. Are ye up fur it?"
"Naw, Ah think Ah'll pass, thank ye very much," said Renton. That was an unexpected twist.
"How no?" said Simon, puzzled.
"Ah dinnae really do hallucinogens onymaire," Renton explained. "No since that time Ah did datura and went tae have a shite in a bog only tae find maself shittin' in a planter in the city square."
Simon almost choked from unexpected laughter. It was unfair that he hadn't been there to witness that.
"Ye should know that datura is maire o a deliriant than a hallucinogen, though, yeah?"
"Ah dinnae care, Simon," Renton said. "Ye go ahead. If ye enjoy the trip Ah might consider doin' it next time. Besides, ye'd need a sitter onywey."
"Ah tripped oan everything ye could possibly trip oan. Why would Ah need a sitter?" scoffed Simon as he sealed the spliff and lit it up.
He took several deep puffs before he put it away and waited for the effects. Nothing seemed to have changed.
"Ye're just bein' a wuss," Simon added as he reached for the spliff again. And that's when it kicked in.
🐾🐾🐾
Renton's voice brings Simon back to reality. "Sae, did ye enjoy the trip?"
Simon considers the question. The experience has been unlike anything he'd ever had — more vivid and immersive than Simon could have imagined.
"It was... different," he finally says. "Not whit Ah expected, but not bad either. Just... weird."
Renton grins. "Ah'm not gonnae lie, ye meowin' and askin' fur belly rubs was absolutely hilarious. Next time Ah'll have to film ye."
"Do that and ye're a deid man," says Simon with as much seriousness as he can muster.
The reality feels sharper now, and Simon is definitely human again. Still, some of his cat-like instincts linger, like an echo of a dream you haven't quite shaken off.
"Awright, Mr Whiskers," Renton chuckles, reaching out to ruffle Simon's hair. Simon is about to tell Renton where to shove it, but then Renton's hand moves to scratch behind Simon's ear.
Oh. That's... no bad, Simon thinks as he closes his eyes and leans into the touch. I'll allow it. Just this once.