Work Text:
Mochi: Hey, Nats.
Mochi: How did asking out Monika go?
Natsuki: 😇😇😇
Natsuki: so good
Natsuki: she was so sweet n considerate abt it so worried abt u ❣️
Natsuki: but she brought me back 2 her aptmnt and we played board games LMAO
Natsuki: cant believe a LITERATURE CLUB wud be full of 🤓🤓🤓🤓
Mochi: Shocking, isn’t it?
Natsuki: i made dinner 4 bof of us bc she like forgets 2 eat or sth 😓
Natsuki: weird pathetic girl
Natsuki: n when we went 2 bed she clung 2 me like a baby koala 🥰🫂🐨💚♥️
Mochi: Awww.
Mochi: That’s cute.
Mochi: Are you happy?
Natsuki: 😊
Natsuki: yea 💗
Mochi: Awesome!
Natsuki: but i luv u MOST ok??? 🥺💘💕💗
Mochi: Yeah, of course! 💛!
Mochi: You don’t have to say stuff like that.
Mochi: And, like, if she turns out to be a better partner than me, I won’t be upset if you like her more.
Natsuki: moch
Natsuki: dont EVER say sum shit like that 2 me again 😡
Natsuki: u r my gf and my #1 ALWAYS do not b sellin urself short
Natsuki: u shudnt b so ok w the thought of bein abandoned 🥹
Mochi: I just want to make sure you have all the options available!
Mochi: You being happy is my top priority.
Natsuki: but wat abt YOURRRR happiness stupid brain!!! 💢💢
Natsuki: unless u WANT me 2 leave n ur reverse psychologyin me??? 😢
Mochi: No!!!
Mochi: No, no, no, that’s not it, I promise, please don’t think that.
Natsuki: idk moch
Natsuki: im still weepin this dramatic single tear
Natsuki: 😢
Natsuki: runnin down my cheek n trailin mascara
Mochi: Do not dramatically weep a single mascara-laden tear at me! :(!
Mochi: I obviously want you to stay.
Natsuki: if the next message starts with but imma cry another tear
Mochi: But my biggest priority is okay come on now that’s not fair.
Natsuki: 😢
Natsuki: 😭
Mochi: Nats!!!
Mochi: Making you happy makes me happy. And so I want you to arrange this however makes you feel happiest.
Mochi: Yes, I would prefer to keep kissing your silly face and cuddling with you and going on the world’s silliest dates.
Natsuki: END THE THOUGHT THERE
Mochi: But it’s not finished?
Natsuki: plz
Natsuki: end the thought there
Natsuki: u want things from this relationship
Natsuki: so stop self deprecatin n actually realize that ur ALLOWED to have those things
Natsuki: was the whole reason u offered 2 open the relationship in the 1st place bc u felt like u werent good enough 4 me? 🥺
Natsuki: cuz that might make me cry in real life
Mochi: No. It’s not.
Mochi: Listen. I just don’t want to stand between you and happiness.
Mochi: I trust that you won’t leave me. Right?
Natsuki: right
Mochi: As for the rest of it… it doesn’t matter. I love you and that’s that.
Mochi: I’m not inadequate or ready to get abandoned or whatever other sad emotion it must sound like to you.
Mochi: I am motivated purely by doing what’s best for you.
Mochi: Okay?
Natsuki: 🥺
Natsuki: ull tell me if u do feel sad?
Mochi: Of course. You’re the first person I come to.
Natsuki: ok
Natsuki: i guess noones ever been this selfless w me b4
Natsuki: but ill try 2 believe u
Natsuki: i love u ♥️💗♥️💗♥️
Mochi: I love you too, babe.
I sigh, putting my phone down against my chest.
I guess I should have expected something like this to happen. Natsuki is a monoamorous girl trying polyamory for the first time.
Her words stick with me, though.
Should I be more selfish with her? She’s all but asking me to be, but… wouldn’t that be toxic?
I don’t want to be controlling…
I roll onto my side with a sigh and close my eyes. I think I need more sleep.
…
A couple days later, on Thursday, I idly check my phone and notice there’s a new notification in the Literature Club group chat:
“Yuri has left the group.”
Seconds later, messages begin popping up from Natsuki.
Natsuki: guys 😰
Natsuki: i think dbag went thru her phone
Natsuki: he sent me some nasty messages n now im blocked 😬😰😣
Natsuki: try messagin her?
I do. My message could not be delivered.
Mochi: I think I’m blocked, too.
Mochi: Crap, this is bad.
My chest tightens. What can we do about this? It was a wild misadventure just to get in touch with her online…
Mochi: Uh, do you think we could message her on GoodReads again?
Natsuki: trying rn 😓💦
Natsuki: im so scared 4 her i hope shes ok
Monika: don’t panic, guys!
Natsuki: monika thank god
Monika: we have the club tomorrow! she’ll show up. we can talk it out with her then!
Monika: for now, let’s not lose hope! :)
It’s a silly little platitude, but, admittedly, I do feel soothed by it.
Mochi: Yeah. We’ll see how things go at the club meeting and go from there.
Natsuki: ok… 😞
Mochi: It’ll be okay, Natsuki. We’ll figbure somethimg out.
My hands shake a little as I type that out. Jeesh, why am I shaking?
I put my phone away and try to get back to work, but it’s getting hard to think.
More than that, it’s getting hard to move my arms.
Finally, I have to sit down between the bookshelves in the basement and put my head back, letting panic wash over me for a few minutes.
It makes no sense, but I can’t shake the mental image of checking up on her in her room and finding her dead.
My knuckles press firmly against the floor, and my nails dig into the meat of my palms. When I force myself to open my jaw, it clatters noisily.
If only I could check on Yuri, I’d be able to show myself how dumb I’m being. But the anxiety of being unable to know is killing me.
My arms burn. Tears dribble down my cheeks, but I can’t move my hands to dry them.
My thoughts swirl in a white-hot catastrophe for the next half-hour. I finally manage to catch my breath, though, and as I focus on breathing, the panic starts to relax out of me.
My eyelids droop closed for a few seconds as I breathe, but I manage to keep them open.
Man, panicking really makes you tired!
I try my best to keep my wits about me and not think about the situation as I continue stacking books. I just need to wait until tomorrow…
…
It’s tomorrow. My anxiety is no better than it was yesterday.
When Natsuki bursts through the front door and homes in on me like a missile, I can barely give her a simple wave.
Natsuki: “Whoa, Moch, what’s wrong? What’s going on?”
Mochi: “Just—anxious.”
It’s the first time I’ve really tried to talk during one of these episodes. It’s hard. My throat and tongue don’t exactly coordinate, leaving my words inarticulate and stilted.
Natsuki: “Dude, are you sure? You’re, like, seriously tweaking out. Do you want me to, like, rub your shoulders or something?”
Mochi: “N-no, don’t worry. It’s-s, it’s fine.”
I can tell she doesn’t believe me, but Monika’s entry conveniently gives me an out.
Monika: “Iiiiit’s literature club time!”
Natsuki: “That’s right!”
Mochi: “Y-yeah…”
Monika holds out one of her hands, showing how it’s shaking.
Monika: “Eesh, ahahah! Lots of nerves this week. But, hey, Yuri’s never late, so I’m sure we’ll see her before long.”
Monika: “Admittedly, I didn’t get much sleep last night, thinking about this…”
I shake my head, jerkily.
Mochi: “Yeah, me, me neither.”
Natsuki shoots me a worried look.
Natsuki: “Seriously, Moch, you can tell me what’s wrong. It’s okay.”
Mochi: “And I’m s-saying… it’s just, nerves.”
Her voice gets soft and urgent as she turns fully towards me, grabbing one of my hands in both of hers.
Natsuki: “And I can help with nerves! Can’t I?”
Mochi: “Don’t—worry about—”
The door opens, and the little tinkling bell rings. I see Yuri’s silver hair. The stress subsides a little bit, and I suddenly feel woozy.
But I’m picked up by a fresh wave of anxiety as I realize she’s accompanied by Yukio.
His hair is in a high ponytail. He leads her in with a hand on the small of her back, looks around, and spots us.
Yukio: “Ah! I knew it!”
Yuri flinches hard when he yells, bringing her hands instinctively into a clasped, pleading position in front of her collarbone.
He marches toward all of us, specifically singling out Natsuki.
Yuri stays near the front desk. I notice her returning the book she’d borrowed last week, sliding it across the wooden counter.
Yukio uses his height to lord over Natsuki, speaking directly down at her face.
Yukio: “I had a hunch this was where you were congregating.”
Yukio: “I told you I didn’t want her associating with you… unstable chicks.”
Yukio: “She may have fit in with you all back in high school, but, in case you haven’t noticed, she kinda grew out of all the freaky goth crap.”
He gestures back at Yuri, who is conspicuously wearing a colorfully-patterned dress that clashes with her silvery hair.
She meets our gaze, and, behind his back, throws up the sign of the horns with her right hand and bares her teeth.
Yukio: “So, what’s going on here? Why are you meeting with her under my nose?”
Yukio: “Slaughtering goats or something?”
Natsuki groans, successfully set off by his rudeness and stupidity.
Natsuki: “Do satanists do their work at cozy bookstores at 4 in the afternoon?”
Natsuki: “It’s literally a book club. We read books.”
Monika pipes up, holding up her copy of The Depths of Ocean Lab Seven.
Monika: “This was our book this week! We all borrowed copies per a gracious agreement with the owner of the store.”
Monika: “Perhaps you saw Yuri reading it this week?”
Natsuki and I flash our copies as well.
Yukio sighs huffily, wiping his finger across his nose.
Yukio: “Well, regardless…”
Yukio: “I don’t like any of you. And I know the feeling’s mutual.”
Yukio: “So I’m not okay with my wife mingling with you all. So don’t expect her to come to any more of these meetings.”
Yukio: “I’m doing the books shopping from now on.”
My eyes widen, and I worriedly glance past him at Yuri.
Knowing what I know about Yuri’s appetite for reading, and Yukio’s taste, this could be a fate worse than death.
But Yuri seems resigned. She stares morosely at some little tacky decorations along one of the walls, rubbing her hands idly on her belly.
This can’t be the first time he’s stepped in and made a unilateral decision like this. I feel my blood boil.
I need to say something…!
But instead, my voice gets caught in my throat as Yukio turns on his heel, strides haughtily over to Yuri, grabs her arm, and escorts her out of the bookstore.
I continue trying to push some kind of retort out of my closed-off throat even after the door slams shut. Nothing comes out.
I must look pretty freaked-out, because Monika puts her hand on my shoulder.
Monika: “Mochi, it’s… it’s okay, we can, um… it’ll be okay.”
I need some space, I say. But it’s completely strangled.
Mochi: “Nnn-ng-nn.”
I break away from her hand and hurry down to the basement with my head on fire.
I pace through the basement bookshelves. My hands grab sloppily at my head, doing the best they can with their rigid arms.
I don’t think I’m trying to move them. They just kind of swing on their own, hitting against wooden shelves.
I think I’m crying. I’m definitely making weird noises. Just like my arms, my vocal cords are moving of their own accord, creating loud disconcerting grunts as I fight to control my breathing.
All I can really do is keep my legs moving, weaving an aimless pattern through the labyrinthine bookshelves.
Natsuki: “Mochi?”
Crap. I’m making her worry about me. This is the worst time for her to worry about me! She should be worried about Yuri!
Diverting from that to worry about this manageable little fit of emotions is just going to make this about me, when it needs to be about Yuri. Yuri’s the one who needs the help.
Natsuki: “Mochi, come here.”
With faulty muscles in my neck, I need to pivot my hips to look back and see her, a red-and-black blob, in the corner of my eye.
I duck my head down, and my legs propel me to turn and exit her line of sight. Maybe they’re less under my control than I thought.
Monika blocks my path. I turn in the other direction. Natsuki’s there.
She hugs me tightly. My body can’t reciprocate—all my joints are locked. But she can keep me in place.
From behind, I feel Monika’s arms wrap carefully around my waist, as she presses tightly against me, too.
The pressure helps. My chest begins to relax, and I start trying to control my breathing.
Only when I finally stop my uncontrolled sobbing sounds do I realize that Natsuki is crying, too.
With arms that still ache and feel stiff, I gently hug her in return.
That prompts her to release me and pull away, glaring up at me with streaking mascara. She speaks with an all-too-familiar croak.
Natsuki: “We need to talk right fucking now.”
What…?
Mochi: “What—what do we need to talk about?”
Monika slinks silently behind a bookshelf, out of sight.
Natsuki deflects her gaze, looking at the bookshelves and wiping her eyes.
Natsuki: “Just…”
Natsuki: “You do love me, right?”
Natsuki: “I’m your girlfriend?”
Mochi: “Wha— yes, of course, honey! I don’t know what I did to make you think otherwise, but I’m sorry.”
She huffs, and mutters softly to herself.
Natsuki: “How can you not know…?”
Then, she speaks up.
Natsuki: “Girlfriends… help each other with their problems.”
Natsuki: “You know that. You’ve been doing it a lot.”
Natsuki: “But… I’m your girlfriend, too. And I need to help you with the problems you’re having.”
It’s this again. I shake my head, trying to ease her mind.
Mochi: “Natsuki, I’m not having a problem.”
Natsuki: “Bull fucking shit! Did you just block out the last few minutes where you had a full-blown panic attack and ran away and I had to get Monika to help catch you?”
Natsuki: “I get that it’s probably because of Yukio, but we’re all stressed about that, babe! You don’t react like this when stuff gets stressful. Something’s going on.”
Natsuki: “And I know you can’t leave ‘cause you’re at work, so I’m gonna stay here and bother you until you tell me.”
I put my hand to my forehead. sighing.
Mochi: “You’re directing your energy to the wrong place.”
Mochi: “Yuri’s in serious trouble, and we need to help her. Once she’s in a better situation, I’ll get better, because she’s what I’m stressed about.”
Natsuki: “Yeah, okay, me too, but you don’t see it eating me like this!”
Natsuki: “Moch, do you really plan on just… trying to tough it out for however long it takes to find a way to get Yuri back?”
Natsuki: “What if it takes months?”
I look down sheepishly, not sure how to respond.
Natsuki: “You always do everything you can to help me feel better.”
Natsuki: “Why don’t I get to do the same for you?”
Natsuki: “It makes me feel like some kind of burden.”
My eyes snap open. My response is fiery, for reasons I don’t really understand.
Mochi: “No, you’re not a burden. Don’t say that.”
Mochi: “You’re wonderful. I love you. I promise. You’re not a burden, do you understand?”
Natsuki: “Y-yeah, jeesh, I get it! That wasn’t the point.”
Natsuki: “See?! You’re deflecting from your own issues again! You just keep finding new things to fix and ignoring the stuff that’s obviously hurting you.”
Natsuki: “You’re always saying that your top priority is making me happy.”
Natsuki: “Well, I want to make you happy, too. And you hurting like this and keeping it from me makes me sad. Okay?”
I hang my head, feeling ashamed. It’s always so embarrassing when someone is able to read into your behaviors like this.
The more I think about counterarguments, the more I realize how nasty and unhealthy every supporting argument really is.
Do I really think Natsuki’s feelings are worth addressing and protecting, but mine are just a burden? Do I think she’s more deserving of love than I am?
Aren’t those things I specifically tried to disprove for Sayori?
I cringe at myself, shaking my head.
Mochi: “I think you’re right.”
Mochi: “I’ll talk about it.”
I’m not very enthusiastic, because I really don’t want to talk about this. But the reasoning is all stuff that doesn’t make any sense when I lay it out, so I try to ignore it.
Natsuki hugs me again.
Natsuki: “Thank you.”
I pause for a moment, enjoying her warmth. I hug her back.
Mochi: “I think… it’s…”
Mochi: “For some reason, whenever I suddenly lose contact with a friend, I start imagining they’re going to die while I can’t check on them.”
Mochi: “And that I’ll walk in on their dead body.”
Mochi: “When you split on me a couple weeks ago, and blocked me, I honestly freaked out so bad that I had nightmares about it.”
Mochi: “Walking in on you like that…”
Natsuki: “Moch…”
Natsuki: “Why didn’t you tell me that?”
Mochi: “I didn’t want you to blame yourself for it.”
Mochi: “And you still shouldn’t.”
I pause, giving her an opportunity to respond. She doesn’t.
Mochi: “So… when Yuri suddenly got cut off from us, I started… you know, imagining it, again.”
Mochi: “I was so glad to see her alive… but the uncertainty is back. I’m really scared.”
My voice cracks. I’m starting to cry.
Mochi: “I’m really scared we’ll figure out what to do too late and she’ll have died—and it’ll be our fault for not saving her while we could—”
Natsuki: “Moch, that wouldn’t be our fault.”
Natsuki: “But also, she’s not gonna die.”
Natsuki: “Yukio’s… well, the worst, but if he was gonna kill her he wouldn’t have married her for three years and gotten her pregnant.”
Natsuki: “Even if she did get hurt…”
Natsuki: “You’re always so careful to tell people that they shouldn’t blame themselves for bad things that happen out of their control.”
Natsuki: “Why doesn’t that apply to you, too?”
The sobs I’m trying to stifle come out of my throat as a whimper.
I don’t have an answer, for the same reason I didn’t have the answers before. She’s got a point.
Why can I dish out all these comforting words and platitudes, even though I don’t believe them when they apply to me?
Maybe Sayori and I were more similar than I thought.
Natsuki: “You know…”
Natsuki: “The day of the festival…”
Natsuki: “While we were at her house, cleaning up…”
Natsuki: “I remember you telling me something.”
Natsuki: “You told me you thought Sayori was going to be the only friend you ever made, and that you were going to be alone for the rest of your life without her.”
Natsuki: “But you’re not alone anymore, okay?”
Natsuki: “You have a girlfriend who loves you very, very much.”
Natsuki: “So… when you’re dealing with hard stuff like this, it doesn’t have to be something you deal with alone.”
Natsuki: “Let me help you, dummy.”
I sob, hugging her closer. There’s nothing for me to say, partially because the lump in my throat makes it nearly impossible to speak.
Natsuki squeezes me as tight as she can, burying her face in my shoulder.
We hear a knock on the wooden shelf behind us. I peek over my shoulder, in case it’s my manager.
It’s Monika. She whispers softly:
Monika: “If I’m not interrupting…”
Monika: “I think I know a way to find Yuri’s house?”