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It was the end of the world, no one was going to charge him for a few bottles of alcohol. Certainly not these shitty ones that didn’t have enough to make a dent in his mood. He took one of the small bottles of vodka in his hand, spinning it between his fingers, a long forgotten memory replaying in his mind, fuzzy and grainy, distorted to time. It brought the faintest smile to his face, the various places he and Vail stayed at throughout the years.
“Listen. I’m gonna go check out. You hang back in the room and grab anything that isn’t nailed down. Especially the booze.” The charming smile that got Nick anything he wanted came effortlessly to him as Vail let out the longest sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“It won’t work. They’re still gonna charge you. I say you because I swapped the cards on file in case you pulled shit like this.” Vail’s cocky grin caught Nick off guard, but more than anything, he was proud Vail was finally learning from him.
“I can’t even be mad. In and out, just like we always do.” Nick laughed at the loud groan that escaped as the hinges creaked behind him.
He swallowed back the pain as he realized why the memory felt so distorted, wrong. He couldn’t remember his voice. A voice he had heard for decades had vanished from his memory. He never imagined he could loath himself anymore than he already did…but forgetting Vail’s voice was unforgivable.
It was at that moment, an unrecognizable voice pulled him out of his own head.
“I thought you’d realized by now that stealing only fucks your life up.”
He couldn’t place the location of it beyond in the hotel room with him. It was coming from everywhere, bouncing off the walls and disorienting him, causing Nick’s eyes to double in size, his head whipping up and dropping one of the bottles, hearing it shatter on the floor. He cursed at himself, focusing on that rather than his shallow breathing or his free hand digging his nails into his palm. It was easier to think about losing one of his only emotional lifelines than the pure terror pulsing in every cell of his body as it dawned on him who the voice belonged to.
Vail.
Flashing back to one of the worst days of his life only intensified the panic attack he was already experiencing as he found himself further lost in his own head, the hot Egypt sun blaring on him, the exhaustion from the mission, but his resolute determination to bring Vail back. Digging through the sand, the sinking feeling in his gut as he realized no…it wasn’t that he was simply buried under the sand, no, that wasn’t why he couldn’t see Vail’s head. It was much worse. His head wasn’t attached to his body anymore. He still woke up sometimes, dripped in sweat at the nightmare of his hands covered in sand and blood as he dug for his head.
It should have been fixable. It was always supposed to be fixable. He tried to attach his head back, align the jaw back, do what he always promised to do and keep him safe. Except this time, he couldn’t do that one simple task. No, when he started to bring Vail back he saw the pain, the fear, and worse…the silent and desperate pleas for the release of death. He had no choice. He let him go.
Nick realized he hadn’t felt this depth of loneliness since his time at Ahm Shere, in the sarcophagus, or in the Lagoon. He felt more trapped in the wide space of this room than he did there. Bitterness and rage built up in his gut, rising in his esophagus, trying to escape - make him feel everything he had buried his entire life.
“You didn’t have to waste a perfectly good - okay the cheapest bottle of vodka ever, like that but I get it.” The voice chuckled, echoing throughout the room again, continuing to torment him.
Nick looked around. He still didn’t see anyone. “I just need some sleep. If I get some sleep, I’ll be fine…” He knew it was the biggest lie he would ever tell his entire life, but he needed some reassurance right now. Even if it was fake.
“Nick, this isn’t sleep deprivation.” Vail failed miserably at hiding the anger and hurt in his voice, “The door from hell just opened and Dracula of all people got out. But sure. I’m a figment of your imagination and this will all go away.”
The voice was still just that, and Nick gave up on finding it, unscrewing one of the bottles open and chugging it. It burned going down his esophagus, all the way until it hit his gut, exactly what cheap liquor did, but at least he was feeling something beyond grief and anguish. He sighed and settled on the bed. He was talking to himself, or an invisible specter, but either way this wasn’t a good look. He could almost be grateful he didn’t have anyone left to question his sanity.
Come to think of it, that’s probably why Vail was doing it this way. “What do you want buddy?”
“...you don’t get to call me buddy anymore Nick.” Vail’s voice came out as a snarl, a bite in it Nick had never heard from him. If Vail had stabbed him it certainly would have been less painful than the emotional damage he was inflicting now.
“Why not?”
“Sorry, I didn’t realize you needed me to remind you of the fact I was decapitated by your real best friend.”
Nick felt the blood drain from his face, his body stiffen. He quickly sat upright, shaking his head. “Vail, no one could replace you. You…why would you even think that?”
The scoff without a face to match it to was haunting, making it all the harder for Nick to respond. “Yeah he did. Which I get. Fragile human, essentially an immortal monster. Who do you really want on your team?”
“You! I wanted you on my team Vail!” Nick spat that at him with more venom than he meant to. He glared, hoping Vail could see how betrayed he felt at the idea he was ever disposable to him.
“I died five times because of you. You shot me. Three times!” Nick rolled his eyes at the old bit. Even if he missed hearing him say it. “If I really meant so much to you…why the fuck didn’t you actually protect me?”
Nick’s chest tightened, his brain trying to process and catch up with everything Vail was throwing at him. When he finally understood, he knew Vail was right. He had never forgiven himself for failing to protect him out there.
“No answer? You can’t even admit you failed me? That you used me as cannon fodder for your bullshit because well I can bring him back so what does it fucking matter anyway!”
“Fine! I failed you and everyone else on the team! Everyone we ever cared about is dead because of me! Are you fucking happy?!” Nick felt the hot tears breaking free despite his best efforts to contain them, and it fueled the rage inside of him. “All I do is get people hurt and killed and I’m the one who should be dead!”
It was as though with that simple confession, he was releasing Vail from this world all over again. He knew he was alone again. The room was spinning. He couldn’t handle being alone again. He wasn’t ready to face the world without everyone.
Any heat he felt in Egypt under the sun, or the heat of the explosions they faced together in Iraq was nothing compared to the aching pain he felt as his voice cracked, fruitlessly begging for Vail to listen one last time.
“Vail…Chris…come back…please…” He wasn’t sure where he was anymore, the carpet had become sand, and his hands once again covered in it and his friend’s blood, the sobs catching in his throat, choking him.