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The sound of the ceiling fan echoes in his mind. Eyes wide open, Rin's left side uncomfortably lying on the mattress. He would use his phone, but he doesn't want to wake up just yet.
His room is dark, and no sunlight comes through. Lamps turned off, that's okay, he guesses. He wishes he never saw the light of day anyway. Door locked shut, to prevent anyone from coming in.
His mom is probably really concerned about him. He's surprised she hasn't tried to break the door. He guesses she's given up trying to help her good-for-nothing son. Rin almost feels bad for her.
Even though he says that, the guilt is practically eating him alive to the point of no return.
Today marked the 8th day he has skipped school. Rin has blocked every single person that has asked him where he was during this period. This includes his teacher, his coach, Bachira, Isagi, and his classmates. Hell, even Sae.
There is one exception, Hiori Yo. Albeit unexpected, he and Hiori get along well. When he asked Rin why he hadn't been coming to school for three days, Rin simply replied with "N o motivation ," instead of blocking him. Hiori hasn't asked again since then.
Although it's unsaid, he knows that Hiori's worried. Evident by the constant need to text him, even if it's only with something simple like H ow are you? ’s.
He once joked about Rin killing himself and how he'd have no one to talk to. Rin reassured him with, “I'm not killing myself just yet.” A lot goes unsaid, like, “At least until you stop waiting for me.” Honestly, it brings Rin peace to know at least one person would miss him.
Rin stares at the clock in the darkness which indicates that it's 5 o'clock in the morning. You see, even if he won't come to school, the habit of waking up early on weekdays is irreplaceable.
He forces himself to sit up on the edge of the mattress. He remembers when he used to want a bedroom with a full bed, it's dumb, he's dumb. Rin stood up to grab his phone from the table he once used to study. Look at it, it's now a place to play games.
He's smart, at least that's what he believes himself to be. Studying used to be the thing he does frequently, he doesn't know where it started to go to shit. Maybe he simply doesn't want to play a game of tag with Sae anymore. Well, it matters less now.
He lies down again, this time lying on his right instead of left. He opens his holy grail, or his messaging app to text Hiori.
Unsurprisingly, there's already a text from him at four a.m.
hey rin, how are you? c:
if you wake up don't forget to eat
imma shower now, text me okay? 4.23 AM
hi yo, i just woke up.
i’m okay i think, you should eat too :) 5.04 AM
He was about to close his phone but Hiori texted faster than his ability to close his phone.
i just ate
i'm thinking of not going to school..
it's boring, not to mention my mom keeps telling me to practice football longer 5.04 AM
oh
i know
can i come over? it's been a while since we see each other anyway 5.05 AM
what?
i mean i’m okay with it but are you sure? 5.05 AM
why not 5.05 AM
my room is messy and you know.. 5.06 AM
rin, idc 5.06
Incoming call from Hiori..
Accept Decline
His thumb hovering over the ‘Accept’ button. He lets the call go to the missed calls folder before deciding to ultimately call Hiori back.
“Rin.” Hiori's voice was quiet, he was probably not expecting Rin to call him back.
“Why did you call me?” It's been days since Rin has talked. He wonders if his voice has taken a turn for the worse.
Silence creeps over them, no one knows what to say. It was at this moment that Rin remembered why he didn't accept Hiori's calls on other occasions.
A quiet chuckle runs from his phone, “Whoa... Rin, is that really you?” Hiori's soft voice undeniably makes Rin miss him.
“Shut up,” he pauses, the small smile plastered on his face can be heard, even through Hiori's phone, “I know I sound weird, don't say anything.”
“Okay, by the way, my offer still stands,” Rin could hear the clicking of a keyboard from the other side, “It'll be a win-win, you get to meet me, I get to skip.”
The notification sound shocked him because of its suddenness, he hadn't realized how loud his volume was.
“I sent you my schedule, let me stay with you till then?”
While thinking, Rin can feel his heart aching. He can't help to think of how Hiori will react once he finds out how shitty his place has been. Not to mention his appearance and how his mom would react.
“Itoshi-kun let me stay at your place tonight?” Young Hiori had said.
“I told you to call me Rin.” Young Rin pouted, “Why do you need to stay at my place, anyway? It's messy and gross.”
“I… heard my parents fighting and I don't want to come home tonight.”
“Oh,” Rin's eyes, which had been on the sky, fell to Hiori, full of pity. Though he can't say it, the thought of Hiori being sad makes his heart shatter to pieces, “Okay, you can stay.”
“Thank you Rin-kun.” Hiori smiled sweetly at him, calming him…
“Rin...”
“Rin.”
“Rin?” That same voice, eight years difference.
“Okay, you can come over.”
“Thank yo—”
“Don't,” he doesn't know whether to laugh or cry, “Don't mention it.”
“Well, thanks anyway, really.” Hiori's sickeningly sweet smile cloud his mind, he knows Hiori's smiling. He knows and he can't get it out of his head.
He didn't realize the call had ended. Rin wants to get ready but his body doesn't allow him to. He just wants to look appropriate for Hiori, yet of course, he just can't help not being able to.
He stares at his screen, full of chats with Hiori. Fuck, what can Rin Itoshi do when he feels overwhelmed? Just a few minutes ago he felt nothing, now he feels every single emotion.
He wants to let it all out, but Rin, crying? Nope. Not today. He puts his phone down and just stares. It helps, he felt his heart beating, like it was the first day he'd been alive.
That day, that day it was raining. The feeling of water soaking his body. He needed it, he needed to feel clean again.
Rin was thirteen when he first felt the cut of a blade. Sliding through his skin, opening his most revealing insides. The anger is gone, just the pain.
It was Hiori who found him in the back of the school, bloody and smiling. Hiori never questioned him, but he understood how Hiori felt. Sad and betrayed. Not to Rin, but to himself.
He remembered what Hiori had said, “I'm sorry Rin, I… I should've known. I should've…” Hiori sobs while patching him up.
From that point on, he vows to himself to never let Hiori feel like that ever again. The blood-stained bandage wrapped around his wrist, the wrist which brushed Hiori's tears.
They kissed and never mentioned it again.
Just like the day it rained, Rin felt numb. All he needed was to feel cleansed. That day at the back of the school was the second and last time he ever did it. And yet, the disgustingness of it all stayed and never left.
The feeling of skin being pricked when it touches water stays.
The clock strikes seven. His room still dark, but slight light passed through the curtains. He hears a knock on the door of his room. He opens it to find nothing, maybe the sound was only in his mind.
Perhaps he really thought Hiori was here already.
He goes back to his mattress, doing nothing but hoping that Hiori would arrive quicker.
Maybe gods are actually real. Because, fifteen minutes after he wishes to whichever gods there is, Rin can hear a knock once again. A real one this time, and when he opened it, there was Hiori.
With his hand still grabbing the doorknob, Rin stares. Hiori stares back while smiling, Rin sees that Hiori bought something with him. The silence was loud.
Hiori was wearing his school uniform, probably to convince his parents that was actually going to school. However, his hair is slightly longer than before and his eyes are as pretty as ever. He wonders yet again if his eyes glow in the dark.
And Rin, unable to hide how flustered he is clears his throat and lets Hiori in, closing and locking the door.
Hiori breaks the silence first by saying, “I hope you don't mind.”
Rin can only nod, which triggers a chuckle out of Hiori, “Rin, don't tell me you've forgotten how to communicate after not going out for ten days.”
“Shut up,” Rin rolls his eyes while bringing Hiori his chair to sit on, “I just.. hadn't met you in a while.” And I missed you.
Hiori smiles again as he's sitting down and Rin is unable to contain his blush. Hiori raises his hands to give him the few things he bought in a nearby convenience store.
“I bought you ice cream and water since I could hear how hoarse your voice was on the call,” Hiori puts his bag down and shoves the plastic bag into Rin's hands, “Oh and, the ice cream is your favorite brand and flavor."
Hiori stood up and walks around Rin's room, organizing a few things until Rin stopped him by grabbing his hand gently. “You don't have to do this…”
Hiori blinks a few times to make sure his eyes weren't deceiving him. “Ah.. okay.”
“Rin, can you.. let go of my hand?” Hiori spoke quietly. Rin hurriedly took his hand off Hiori's, both of them were now a blushing mess.
Rin sits on his mattress to calm himself, and Hiori follows, bringing the ice cream with him to give to Rin.
“Eat this before it melts, you won't want to eat it when it does."
“You're right, thanks Yo.” Rin takes the ice cream presented to him and opens it. While Rin's eating his ice cream, Hiori grabs his laptop from his bag to play with it.
“Do you have a spare mouse Rin? I forgot to bring mine with me.”
As Rin was finishing his ice cream, he slid his drawer to take out his spare mouse and gave it to Hiori. Then, Rin takes the ice cream wrapper to throw it in the trash.
“By the way, Yo,” Rin says in between organizing his table, “Wanna change?”
“Huh?” Hiori takes his eyes away from the laptop screen to Rin and stares.
Rin, flustered, tries to explain what he meant by his question as best as he can. “I mean like, y'know… The uniform is pretty uncomfortable and if you want I can give you my clothes while you're here so you can–”
“Okay, okay! I get it, sure why not.” Hiori says while laughing.
“Shut it, Yo. I'm suffering.” Rin walks to his wardrobe and searches for clothes that he thinks would fit Hiori best and maybe what he wants to see Hiori wear. Ultimately, he chooses a white sweatshirt and black sweatpants that he used to wear all the time.
After grabbing the pair of clothes he puts it down on the mattress next to Hiori. “Yo, the clothes are here.”
“Mhm..” He sees that Hiori is playing some first-person shooter game. Rin can't deny how good he was at playing the game despite usually being a console player.
When Hiori dies, he gives Rin his laptop to continue the game as he changes. Rin, who knows nothing about FPS games, tries his best to get kills and not die. Which was hard to do when putting Hiori in the same room who was changing into consideration. He tries to focus and ultimately fails.
Hiori finishes changing and sits by Rin's side, looking at the game intently. And Rin? He dies instantly after Hiori pays attention to his game.
“Rin, you're cracked! You probably died on purpose so I can play.”
Thank the lords that Hiori didn't notice his face burning, or maybe he did and didn't mention it. Rin doesn't care, all he cares about is that he was spared of the embarrassment.
After a while of playing games, they watched a movie. A movie about a cult, obviously a horror movie. The movie itself was good, it depicted the desperation and hopelessness of being in a cult. And honestly? It reminded Rin of himself.
Although Rin was never in a cult or anything of sorts, he understands the feeling of emptiness. The confusion of what to do in a situation you never would expect to happen.
“You make me fucking vomit.” Sae said, gritting his teeth.
“Don't use me as a reason ever again.”
Rin's eyes widened, terrified and shocked. Biting his tongue and holding his breath to force himself to not cry, “What do you mean? You're my brother…” He forced out with a shaky voice.
“Get lost, Rin,” Sae replied firmly without looking back at him, “I don't need you in my life anymore.”
Then he left, leaving behind a confused and terrified brother. At the last second of seeing his face, Rin saw it. Sae's eyes, he doesn't recognize them anymore.
“Fuck...” Rin cried out, so loud, he was practically screaming.
That same day, in the cold behind the school building, would be the first day that Rin held a razor, with the intent of something else.
The desperation of not knowing what to do, you break. You try to find other means of distraction. To let go, you leave, to wherever you can.
With every cut, you feel something different than what you initially felt. Your blood feels like your emotions that you just let out. Emotions that were once hidden behind your skin, drop to the floor, laying bare.
After you're done, the razor you used, thrown away. Just like how they throw you away.
“Rin..?” A voice rings in your ears. A familiar voice, soft and lovely. Rin feels a hand on his cheek and another on his shoulder.
“Rin, you're okay right?”
Rin blinks, trying to grasp what's happening. His head hurts, and his lashes wet from tears. The same hand on his face wipes it off.
“Yo, you… ” Rin reached out to Hiori, hugging him tight like he would go away in a matter of seconds.
“Wait Rin, I'll grab some water—”
“No,” Rin says, hugging him even tighter than before, “Stay with me?”
“Okay..” Hiori hugs him back, though confused, he was scared something had happened.
Rin lets go after a few minutes, instead his hands move to hold Hiori's. Hiori, confused, asked why Rin suddenly cried out of nowhere. Rin just replied with, “I just remembered something from the past.”
Hiori immediately understands and hugs him again. This time, making Rin confused.
“Rin, don't do that again,” Hiori says with relief, “I almost had a heart attack because of it.”
Rin smiled, “Sorry, I won't do it again.”
“Yo, can I kiss you?” Rin asks quietly.
The room filled up with silence, killing Rin in the process.
“Nevermind I–”
Hiori pulled them close, until their noses are barely touching. “This time, no backing down okay?” He says before he lets their lips touch. His hands on Rin's shoulders
Their lips brushing, Rin can feel the softness of Hiori's lips clashing with his dry lips. Eyes closed before opening again after Rin pulled back.
“Sorry Yo, I just…”
“No, it's fine.”
“Rin, I'm sorry, I really am..”
“Shut the fuck up, Yo.”
Rin cupped Hiori's face and kissed him. One bandaged arm is holding his head and another is on his face.
Their lips parted and met again, and again, and again, and—
“Ah, fuck I'm so sorry, Yo..”
“I liked it.” He smiled.
“So… does that mean I can stay here over the weekends?”
“Fuck off.”
“I'll tell my parents I have group projects then.” He smiles sweetly, the same smile from the same person.