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If Bill had known she would have to walk up all these stairs she would have reconsidered finding the man they called The Doctor. Really, there must be a jedi master out there who wasn’t into intense amounts of cardio. Why the Doctor couldn’t have chosen a beach planet to hide on was beyond her.
Her friend Ace had told her that finding Jedi masters in secluded parts of the world was all the rage, apparently. Ace had found one hiding out in the ice caves of Hoth and made it her personal business to get him to train her. Apparently, Rey Skywalker, the girl who had helped take down the First Order, had found Luke Skywalker of all people at the top of a mountain. Bill had thought that all of the jedi masters had died out a long time ago, that’s what the legends had said anyway. All the jedi and their pupils either went into hiding or were killed by the Empire and there was no guarantee that the ones in hiding were even still alive. She knew that if someone didn’t want to be found, they wouldn’t. Bill wasn’t even going to try, but Ace was a very persuasive person.
Unlike Ace’s mysterious cave jedi who seemed to have left behind no record, The Doctor’s story was spread across the cosmos like the galaxy’s most measly breadcrumbs. A tale here, a recalling there, nothing too personal and nothing too specific. Whatever, or whoever the Doctor was had been watered down until only a hazy figure of the man remained. She didn’t even know what he looked like. Perhaps someone tall and grizzled with lots of facial scarring. That seemed to befit the image of a Resistance general that one old lady from the market had described. And if he really did bump elbows with the likes of Alderaanian royalty than he had to be someone well dressed, robes kept clean and pressed even throughout the passage of time. They were probably wise, and brave, and all those good things associated with old heroes.
Bill let her imagination run away with her, taking her way past the physical sensations of climbing the seemingly never-ending stairs on the highlands. The planet was pretty, she had to give him that. The planet was covered in lush, pillowy grass tinted a rich, deep purple. The blue of the sky was so pale it looked like cream, and the three suns hung in a line, one following the other like they were tied with string. The hills rolled out for miles, eventually joining a mountain range with peaks that ascended into wispy clouds. Down below, the ocean broke against sand and a ruined pier that led to the remains of a town. Bill hadn’t had time to investigate it thoroughly enough but the view from her ship gave her a pretty good sense of disrepair. It must’ve been flourishing once; she thought she saw bits of marble and gold.
It was as she was imagining the Doctor’s own house--most likely a shack of some kind, which would be much better than a cave--that she saw the first sign of life. As she crested the hill, she saw an old starship cradled in a bed of rocks. Moss and small flowers clung to the legs, beginning to make its way up to the wings, and the windows were so filthy Bill couldn’t even try to look inside. The metallic gray of the ship must’ve been beautiful once, but the speckled blue mixed with peeling rust made Bill want to cry in sympathy. That was the thing about objects in wait, she supposed, they were vessels of untapped emotions. She knew a thing or two about that. Bill rubbed her hand almost protectively over the satchel at her side, adjusted it, and kept moving.
The stairs flattened out from there, into cracked stones that went over the hill. Bill hummed a song to keep herself occupied to keep herself company. Even the birds on this planet seemed to be scarce, just a few would fly overhead, look down at the strange person that arrived, and fly off for presumably better entertainment. Or a fish.
It was then, as the suns were pulling each other further across the sky, that Bill saw it. There, towering over everything, was a structure of collum and marble and dark stone, and glass that reflected the sun so well Bill had to put a hand over her brow to actually see it. Control Towers and spires stretched towards the sky to finish off the ostentatious display. This must be a jedi temple. She’d never seen one before, didn’t even know they still existed, but the breadcrumbs seemed to hold some truth after all. It was gorgeous.
As she walked to the stone steps, Bill gaped. Bill marveled.
A chunk of stone broke off a spire and hit the stairs. The stairs cracked, and dust rained down from above, gathering in her curly hair and down her face. Right. So not a cave, not some shack upon a cliff, but rather a rapidly falling apart jedi temple. Bill considered her odds, shrugged, and figured she’d gotten the best deal.
She walked around the used-to-be-spire to touch the doorbell pad at the side of the doors. Warmth liked her palm as it scanned her and then it turned red with an angry beep.
“Identity unknown,” a robotic voice said.
“Uh, I’m Bill Potts,” she said. “I’m here to visit the-“
“All unsolicited visitors are to turn around and leave. You are trespassing.”
“I’m here to visit the Doctor.”
“You are trespassing.”
“Listen I did not come all this way to be turned around,” Bill raised her voice. “I know you’re in there Doctor you left your security system on!”
“You are trespassing,” the voice seemed more insistent now. “You are trespassing. You are-“
“Oh, sorry about that,” came a tinny voice from behind the door. “Shut up you.”
The door swung open. Standing before her in the archway was a red 3P0 series droid. It walked out of the archway to deal a slap to the identification pad, effectively turning it off, before turning its glowing yellow eyes on Bill.
“Uh,” said Bill eloquently, “are you the Doctor?”
“You’re looking for the Doctor?” it asked, leaning forwards with a mechanical whir.
“Yeah, is he here?”
“He doesn’t like visitors,” it said, moving back. “He has a strict no visitation policy.”
It seemed to think for a moment before beckoning Bill forward, “Good thing I don’t listen to him.”
Bill huffed out a laugh and followed the droid inside. The great doors shut behind her with a thud, and she was led into the darkened interior. There were grand staircases, stretching up onto the terraced upper floor, and endless corridors and rooms, and a beautiful stain glass dome. Bill stopped to look, a wide smile growing on her face.
“Miss,” called the droid. “The Doctor’s this way.”
“Sorry,” Bill said, nearly tripping over her feet to catch up to it. “I’ve never seen something like this.”
The droid blinked, in what Bill suspected was surprise, before gesturing to a glass door before them, “Wait until you see the library.”
The doors slid open when they got close enough, revealing an enormous library. Rows and rows of shelves of dark wood created a labyrinth across the room and matched with the low lighting, Bill couldn’t think of anyway someone could possibly get through this place without getting lost. Up above, a stain glass window cast dancing rainbow shadows on the floor. There were trinkets everywhere—a little gray rodent like piece of metal, a long gleaming sash, what looked like a hat with a ridiculous tassle- hung slapdash from the walls, and piled on shelves, all of them unfamiliar.
“This is insane,” Bill said.
“Told you,” the droid said, sounding far too smug. “There was a pool in here at some point, but it had to be drained.”
“No way, a pool? How does that even work, won’t that ruin the books?”
The droid didn’t respond so Bill kept going. He led her though the shelves, which as Bill found out by running her hands along the spines of books, was far dustier than she would have thought. If she had all of these books, she’d read them all the time. She pulled out a thick book with a blue bound cover and set about to open it.
“Miss?”
“Sorry! Coming!” Bill placed the book back on the shelf. “Got distracted.”
They crossed another door and came into a small side room, decorated with a rug and a fireplace and a nice bay window overlooking the hills. In the middle of it all, surrounded by piles of spare parts, was a figuring tinkering away at a small piece of metal. He was thin, with wild wispy gray hair, and the rattiest robe Bill had ever seen. It looked beyond well-worn, like it had been ripped and trampled and eaten and maybe even burned.
Alright. No burns or scars, and he didn’t look very grizzled. The colors on him made him look a bit like a porg.
“Sir,” said the droid. “You have a visitor.”
“A visitor?” the man said without looking up. “We don’t get visitors NAR-D0L. Are you malfunctioning again? I’m not going to the village to get you anymore parts.”
“Her name is,” the droid turned to her.
“Bill. Bill Potts.”
“Bill Potts, sir.”
The man looked up, squinting as if he hadn’t taken a look at anything besides his work in a while. He gave her a cursory glance before returning to the tools in his hands.
“Tell Bill Potts to go away,” he said.
“I’m right here,” she said.
“I know that,” The Doctor said. “Now go away. You’re trespassing.”
“Your droid let me in,” Bill said. “Its not my fault. I was invited.”
The glare the Doctor sent her would have withered any flower, but luckily Bill was well versed in dealing with people with attitudes in the trading posts.
“I’ll go get the tea, sir,” NAR-D0L said and turned around to go deeper in the building.
The Doctor grumbled, muttering something under his breath about faulty mechanics before returning to his work. Bill watched him for a moment, at the small metallic object in his hand. It looked like a lightsaber’s hilt but it couldn’t have been. It was only about the length of his hand. It was fascinating watching him work, watching him reach for a part in one of the piles without even second-guessing himself. He simply knew it was the right one and went on attaching it to the hilt. It was fascinating until Bill realized he’d just go on like this forever.
“Is he your servant?” Bill asked.
She knew many people with service droids, but the rapport between the Doctor and NAR-D0L seemed different.
“He’s got too many opinions for that,” The Doctor said. “He’s an espionage droid, at least he was before I inherited him.”
He looked at her, really taking her in in a way most people didn’t. She suddenly felt self-conscious of the way she looked, of her tunic and sand shoes, the goggles she’d pushed into her hair. She reminded herself that nothing could be worse than his ratty robes.
“How did you find me?” asked the Doctor.
“I know someone,” Bill said. “And I got a map to the jedi temple. You’re not completely off the record. Also, your spaceship gives you away. Was it meant to blend into the rocks? Because if it was its doing a really bad job.”
“Don’t insult her like that,” The Doctor said, voice softening in offense on the ship’s behalf.
His tone takes Bill by surprise but she keeps going, “She’s old. She needs a new paint job. And I’d reckon few repairs.”
The Jedi master’s furry eyebrows rose and he broke out into a pointed grin, “Are you offering?”
“Er-no, sorry. I’m not a mechanic.”
“Then stop criticizing my ship!”
“Sorry,” Bill said and then added, “I’m just saying-“
“Well don’t say!”
“And why are you hiding out here anyway? This place, its gorgeous, but its sure to attract some people. I mean, retired jedi master hiding away in a jedi temple. Kind of defeats the purpose of hiding, doesn’t it?”
The Doctor rubbed at his brow bone, “Do you always have this many questions?”
Bill gave a sheepish grin in response. It wasn’t like she’d never heard that before. Lots of people had given her trouble for her curious nature, but Bill didn’t think she was ever over the line. She didn’t understand how people could take things as is, when there were so many options and explanations to explore. She supposed that was how she got here in the first place, other than Ace of course.
Bill sat down on the floor, just outside the ring of carpet and piles of metal. The Doctor watched her the whole way, seeming to shrink away from even this much proximity to another person. Yet he put what he was working on down and faced her properly.
“Can I tell you why I’m here?” Bill asked. “Its just, I’ve come all this way and I walked up all those steps, and I’m kind of tired.”
The Doctor didn’t answer, which she figured was as good as a yes.
Bill pulled her satchel onto her lap. She took two breaths, one for nerves, the other for resolve, and reached in and pulled out a gleaming, silver lightsaber hilt. There was no visible wear on it, for Bill had kept it in very good conditions over the years, but it was carved with intricate grooves all along the sides.
“This was my mother’s,” Bill rubbed her thumb against the hilt reverently.
She held it out to the Doctor. She’d rarely let other people hold the lightsaber, some sort of superstition that her mother’s imprint on it would vanish if it wasn’t held by a Potts. The Doctor held it carefully, gingerly, twisting and turning it in his grip, gaze and fingers scanning over the crevices and dents in the metal with the intent of a magnifying glass.
“She died when I was young, I don’t even remember her,” Bill said. “She saved this for me, but I’ve never…I’ve never known what to do with it. How to use it. I mean I’ve used it once or twice but I nearly took someone’s head off. Its just, she’s passed on this ability to me and there’s no one to guide me or show me what to do with it. There’s been so many people who have looked at me and told me its not worth it. That the jedi died out a long time ago, and there’s no real hope being force-sensitive with no one to train you. Or just, to talk to. People kept thinking that I wanted to be a hero, that I wanted to be something big like Luke Skywalker or something, and I think people were scared that a kid like that would get killed or taken somehow. But that’s not what having this meant for me.
“My friend Ace accidentally found a jedi master and told me that maybe I should do the same thing, search for one that is. And it feels, I don’t know, right? To learn, now. Now that there’s hope and the First Order’s gone. Now that I’m actually here. I want to learn about her. I want to connect with her.”
The Doctor gave her an appraising look, “You want to connect with the dead?”
“Well, no. I mean I want to connect to the dead through learning about the force and all this jedi stuff. Wait, can you actually commune with the dead through the force?”
“It isn’t that simple.”
Bill’s eyes went wide, “No way. You’ve got to teach me.”
“I don’t teach students anymore,” The Doctor said.
He made a motion like he was about to toss Bill the lightsaber--her stomach jumped into her throat, hands already moving to catch it—but he stopped. Instead, he placed the saber into Bill’s waiting hands like one would put a baby down for a nap. The gentleness of the motion betrayed his next statements.
“You’ve come all this way for nothing. Go home.”
And he got up and moved to the old armchair at the other side of the carpet.
“I don’t have a home. I mean I do, but it’s a house really not a home.”
The Doctor gave her a look that read And what am I supposed to do about that? Which Bill thought was rude for someone living in the remnants of an old temple.
“Why don’t you teach anymore?” Bill asked. “I mean, the things I’ve heard-“
“All incorrect. Unless they’re good things, which means they’re very correct and likely understated.”
“You fought in the Resistance against the Empire! That’s- that’s a legacy! You met the leaders of Alderaan! You must’ve been best friends with General Organa.”
The Doctor struck her as a person who General Organa would not have gotten along with actually, but Bill liked everything she heard about General Organa and thought that it would be rather cool to sit next to one of her potential former best friends.
“Lots of people did that. Except for the best friend thing, she’s a very frustrating woman. Very stubborn. Very yell-y.”
And despite that glowing review, his complaints were tinged with respect.
“So, you helped save the galaxy and then what? Decided to retire on some remote planet at the edge of the sector?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because people don’t listen,” The Doctor said. “They look directly into the lightsabers and nearly burn off their eyes or forget where to put their hands and nearly cut off a finger. You teach a padawan all that you know and they look you in the eyes and run off to do something stupid like put themselves in danger or get themselves or both! Sometimes its both and then there’s nothing you can do about that.”
He was silent for a beat too long, chewing on a nail.
“Or-Or they decide that being a jedi is boring and despite your best efforts they run off to the dark side. I mean look at what happened to Ben Solo!”
“Ben who?”
The Doctor leaned forward, hands clasped over his knees, “You want to learn about the force, but that is a mere gateway to the world beyond. The jedi, the Sith, the orders, the rules. There’s a code that comes with becoming a jedi, and some people just don’t have the fortitude. It is not a sure way to stay on the side of light and good. Power is an addiction to some people, Bill. Whether that be power for the sake of protecting others, power in the name of love, in the face of fear. All of it, any kind, is balanced on a precipice, ready to fall to either side. Some of the most well-intentioned people can turn into strangers in the blink of an eye, their true colors pulled out from inside of them and on display against their will. I have seen too many people, too many planets even, be unable to walk away from controlling others. And I have watched them all fall. I have watched them burn and become nothing more than dust and memory.”
The Doctor looked at her, dark eyes looking so much older than they could possibly be.
“I don’t understand,” said Bill.
“You’ve asked why I’ve hidden myself away well there you go. I’ve seen it all. Resistances and rebellions, empires and orders. Its better to be a hermit than disappointed. I don’t have any plans on resurrecting any darkness today. My services are closed, thank you.”
The Doctor moved off the couch, settling back down in his pile of spare parts. His side facing Bill, he reached for his tools again. Bill recognized the dismissal for what it was, but she couldn’t find it in herself to move.
NAR-D0L returned in the silence, carrying a tray of a tea pot, cups, and a plate of biscuits. He placed it on the ground before the Doctor and did not leave until the Doctor picked up a biscuit and shoved it into his mouth. The Doctor muttered something unintelligible under his breath t the droid’s disappearing figure. Then Bill and the Doctor were alone once more.
Its better to be a hermit than disappointed.
Bill wanted to say that she wasn’t going to be like them. Like his other students or Ben, whoever he was. Sure, the galaxy had been a right mess as long as she’d been alive, but she wasn’t going to be like the rest of the galaxy. She’d be better, different. She wouldn’t even become a full jedi if that’s what the Doctor wanted. All she wanted was her mum, to finally understand her, more than anything else. He was her ticket, quite possibly her only chance. She wanted, so badly, to make him understand, refuse to leave without him giving her a chance.
Yet Bill watched the Doctor. She watched the man in front of her sip his tea and dip a rather dry looking biscuit in the liquid. She watched him in his crumbling house, alone admit mementos of an age past with no one to talk to but NAR-D0L.
A jedi from the days of the Empire, curled up in a ratty old robe. Everything about him seemed frozen in time, no frozen in memory. Trapped in memory like a bug in amber. Bill wondered if he’d ever even tried to get out.
“How long have you been here?” Bill asked.
“What?”
“How long have you been, here?” Bill repeated. “In this library. In this building.”
All those years, tucked away with no one to talk to but a droid. Bill knew many droids that were excellent conversationalists whether that be in words or beeps but still, it must be lonely.
The Doctor stared at her like he was trying to puzzle her out. His fingers paused on the teacup handle, half of them uncomfortably white around the bend. He set the cup down, picked up the box of sugar and poured a concerning amount into it. He didn’t look back up. He didn’t have to say anything. Bill knew.
“The war’s over Doctor,” Bill said, looking out the window.
She looked at the purple of the rolling hills, the blue of the ever-expansive sky, and the three suns that shone above in a diagonal line. So beautiful. So vibrant. So new.
“They say that things are supposed to be changing now,” Bill said, keeping her gaze outside. “No more First Order, no more Empire, all of the old Sith dead and gone. And I know…I know that’s probably hard to believe, sounds like the same old thing you’ve been hearing, but Doctor if you’d seen it out there. All across the galaxy, all of the stars and planets celebrating. Celebrating love and life and each other, freedom and hope. It’s a bit of a mess really, but I think it always has been. Messily trying to rebuild. We’re pretty good at that, people.”
She looked back to him, “I don’t…I don’t want to become the next greatest hero of the galaxy. I don’t want to defeat some great evil. I just want to know my mum. To really get to know her. I don’t even know who she was, not really. I have this- this, hologram that I was given. It’s an image of her, but it doesn’t talk or move or have any sort of recording. Its just what she looks like and she…she looks like me, Doctor. Can you imagine? There was this woman, who loved me, and looked like me and I can’t even begin to know what she was like because there’s nothing left. Nothing but a lightsaber.”
With his hand against his mouth the way that it was, Bill suspected the Doctor didn’t think she would notice. Or maybe he didn’t even notice he was doing it, so instinctual was the motion. The slow, methodic, twisting of the gold band around his finger.
The gesture felt oddly private. Bill looked away.
“I’ll respect your decision not to teach me,” she said. “I just needed to talk. And I think…. I know I might be overstepping, but I think you could use someone else to talk to.”
She waited with baited breath for the Doctor to say something. Anything. He didn’t. He let the stony silence bleed out between them. Bill sighed and began unpeeling herself off the floor.
“Thanks,” she said. “I’ll...uh…see myself out.”
She gave her saber another glance before tucking it back in her satchel. Same with her emotions she supposed. Tuck, tuck, tuck right back inside. The anger, the disappointment, frustrating, grief, and draining hope, mixing into one awful stew. She was certain she was shaking with emotion, and it was all she could do to at least look unaffected. She was never very good at that. Just like she was never very good at asking few questions.
Bill took one last look at the vast library and the man curled up on the floor, “Goodbye Doctor.”
She made for the exit out of the room. She still had a long way to go before she got to the door, and an even farther walk before she got to her ship and an even farther journey back to her planet. She steeled herself.
“What else do you do?”
Bill stopped at the threshold. She turned around to face the Doctor. He was facing her fully, cup of tea with an ungodly amount of sugar in his grasp.
“What?” Bill said.
“I said what else do you do?” The Doctor brought the cup to his lips. “Besides stalk secluded old men.”
Bill blinked. And then sputtered a bit and possibly bit her tongue trying to form words.
“I didn’t stalk you,” she said.
“Well-“
“I cook. I’m a cook, I run a stall down at a trading post.”
“Oh, good. I’m terrible. And NAR-D0L keeps burning my toast. I keep trying to change his settings but it never works.”
Bill eyed the door and then the Doctor again as if taking her eyes off him would give her insight into the non-sequitur. When it did not, she asked:
“I’m sorry, what are you saying?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” His grin was the pointy kind of self-congratulatory that made Bill’s hackles raise.
“No! Its not! You haven’t said anything except complaining about toast.”
“I’m saying I’ll teach you.”
Her breath stuttered in her throat, chest tugging and tight. She looked again, once, between the door and the Doctor.
Don’t let this be a joke. Please.
“Are you joking?”
“Unless you don’t want me to. I can never tell when people are excited.”
Oh.
Oh. This was real. This was so very real. Tears sprung to Bill’s eyes, the sweet ones that came with relief and release. She was breathing to quickly, blinking too quickly, and she was going to look like a wreck in front of her new mentor.
Mentor. Her stomach swooped.
“Bill?” asked the Doctor.
“Sorry, sorry,” Bill swiped at her eyes and then grinned, bright and brilliant and beautiful. “I mean, yes. Yes I’m excited. Yes I’ll do it. Thank you! Wait why-
She stopped herself. She shouldn’t question it. Don’t look a gift banta in the mouth and all that. Except. Well. There was one thing still nagging at her.
“Am I going to have to go back home? Its just I flew all this way, and it’s a really long way here and I can’t afford all that fuel.”
The Doctor waved a hand, “I’ve got enough empty rooms. Choose your pick.”
“For real? Any of the rooms.”
“As long as its not mine,” The Doctor said.
Bill couldn’t tell whether it was a threat or a joke. The Doctor didn’t elaborate, just rubbed at his eye in a gesture that was somewhere between irritated and tired.
“Go get your things Bill,” he said. “Better yet have NAR-D0L do it, he could use a task.”
She recognized the dismissal for what it was. She’d want to be alone too, she supposed, if she hadn’t had normal interaction with another human for who knows how long.
“I’ll be back,” she promised.
“I’m sure you will.”
She turned to exit again, her steps lighter and heart singing. This was it. A new life. She wondered if this was how Ace had felt. If she felt all that she had been melting away and being replaced by something new, something truer. No more girl from the stands. From now on she’d be Bill Potts, padawan.
One step closer to you, mum, she thought. I can’t wait to meet you.
And with a pat to the bag at her side, Bill Potts, padawan, went to find NAR-D0L.