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Water flowed from the faucet and its sounds permeated the air. Just above the sink was a singular bathroom mirror. The reflection bore the scarred, and storied features of a man. Such a lugubrious expression, a heavy burden within those eyes. Looking beyond the person within the mirror to not only his story, but his failures.
Inadequacy etched upon the very fabric of his being. A perpetual reminder of those bygone days haunting him to his last breath. Seldomly is he able to place them to the back of his mind. Inescapable, yet manageable depending on the day. Life goes on, and he is left to ask; why does it never get easier?
Easier. The word echoed within the very corners of his mind. It wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling to dwell upon the meaning of ‘easy’. A word often repeated by those around him. A word used to offer encouragement, and inspire hope. It’s worked on him before—all the way to his earliest memories.
A teary-eyed boy, weeping into the evening. A motherly voice extending comforting warmth.
“It will get easier, my love. I promise you.”
A promise forged many years ago, but unable to be kept. An endless uphill climb with no sign of reprieve. Holding on to the promise made for the tears wept. A spark of hope to help him press on even against the harshest of storms. Even now, he holds it close to his heart.
The strength had dwindled as time pressed onward. Once a beacon of hope, dimmed and surrounded by shadow. Every waking moment they wait for ‘easier’, without sign of its solace. Left behind with the memory of the struggle, and the blazing pain. Broken down piece by piece, a shell of his former self.
Staring into the reflection, the man glides fingers across the mark along his face. Trailing along the edge of its shape while remembrance of the pain sings beneath the skin. How long ago had it been since these were first obtained? He’d lost track, but even now they feel so fresh—so raw .
Against his desires, he is taken back to that moment. A dimly lit decrepit room, and his body was fighting against restraints. It was never supposed to go this way. He was the hero, the protagonist! This never happened to the heroes in the stories, so why him? Someone would come save him, surely.
Far too much of a dreamer; his fantastical idea of the world was nothing like his reality. No one was coming for him, and there was no intricate escape plan. An error in judgment that allowed him to fall right into their clutches. For the briefest moment he believed they’d be merciful.
The only mercy they bestowed upon him that day—was allowing him to live. Even then it could scarcely be considered mercy. Each horrendous tool they utilized to carve into his flesh was burned into memory. Voices that demanded information, his identity, and so much more. So much anguish, and so much pain.
Nails dug against the skin—he struggled to retain himself to his reality. Staring between his reflection, and the abhorrent memories he couldn’t run from. It hasn't gotten easier, and each day the reality never will, draws closer. A human mind could only withstand so much before even it shatters against the pressure.
A knock rattled against the bathroom door. It was enough to snap his attention elsewhere. Short, labored breaths were exhaled with his chest rising and falling quickly. Adrenaline had pumped into his system whether he willed it or not. Then, a voice on the other side of the door called out.
“Tom?” Another man, inquiring with such genuine concern. “Are you alright?”
A long breath, “I’m okay… Yeah.”
“Mm… You’ve been in there awhile. Are you sure?”
Part of him wanted to speak the truth, but he didn’t want to burden the other. A worse thought would be to frighten him. That idea alone instilled fear onto Tom and his ability to speak freely.
“I’m good.”
A noise, perhaps a sigh, audible from the other side. It is followed by a long creak at the door.
“Can you just talk with me then?”
“Huh? About what?”
A thump is heard against the wooden frame, “Anything. How was your day?”
Tom’s lips lift into the faintest of smiles. He knew why the other was asking, and he appreciated the distraction. Somehow, despite the hardest of days he was able to find some semblance of peace through him.
“It was a bit busy today. Lots of tickets… You know how it goes. Oh! Lucia got the team donuts, too.”
A light chuckle is heard on the other side of the door frame. “Were you able to leave any for the others?”
“I didn’t eat all of them! There were still four left!” Tom shouted.
“...How many were there when you got to it?”
“Twelve.” A long pause, “But that has nothing to do with it!”
Another pause between the two until they both fell into a unified laugh. Tom’s body began to loosen up from the previous tension. The effect of the adrenaline remained, but Tom knew it would fade quickly in Jake’s presence. He raises both hands to turn the sink off. With that done, he turned towards the doorway.
Approaching the frame, Tom reached forward to twist the handle. Pulling the door inward he is met with a fluff of blue hair stumbling right into him. A smaller man that came crashing directly against his chest.
“Oop—” a soft noise escapes him upon falling,, “Ack—sorry! I was leaning on the door.”
A hearty laugh rumbles within Tom’s throat. His arms wrap gently around the other man. Lovingly embracing the other, and pulling him further into his body. A squeak-like noise escapes the blue-haired man. Then his arms come to return the embrace with his own.
“I love you Jake.” Tom’s voice was low, yet soft. His words seeped in affection.
A soft laugh can be heard from Jake. “I love you too, Tom.” A gentle touch of fingers press against Tom’s back. They glide across the skin and follow the curve of his spine. A deep breath exhaled from Jake filled the now silent air.
A still tension resided within the air, amidst an uncertain Tom. The beat of his heart pounded in his chest. Jake listened to each beat, following its rhythms in his head. Something troubled the larger man, and out of love for him he had to approach the situation with caution.
“You do know Tom—” Jake nuzzles his face against the other’s chest. “—you can always talk to me, right?”
Comfort was something Jake always succeeded at for Tom. A means to quell the beast inside his head; only few have been successful. Still, it proved challenging to disclose certain details. An invisible barrier created through Tom’s own insecurities, and the fear of losing the one he cares about most.
Somehow, even with this barrier, a part of him cries out. It wishes for Jake to know even the most miniscule detail. Tom shoots a glance back to the mirror. A shiver runs up his spine while he contemplates the petrification that overtakes him. Fortunately, the reflection was no longer alone.
Seeing Jake alongside him in that glass inspired confidence. A confidence to allow even a small sliver to escape and give insight to Jake. A heavy sigh escaped Tom.
“I… don’t like to look at myself.”
Tom’s answer prompts Jake to slowly pull back—just enough to look up at Tom’s face. Tom’s gaze averted Jake’s, but Jake continued to look up at him with a particular gleam in his irises. Tom could see it in the corner of his peripheral vision. A shimmering light that guides his gaze back to meet Jake’s.
A silent staredown, but Tom noticed something in the other’s eyes. Similarly to the mirror he could spot his own reflection. A tinge of pain tightened at his chest. Jake hesitates to speak again, but he seeks inquiry.
“Because of your scars?” A gentle tone. He did not wish to force Tom into an answer.
“Mm-hmm.”
Jake’s hand lifts to gently cup Tom’s cheek against his palm. Soothing fingers grasp his cheek, with his thumb trailing back and forth. If Tom didn’t know any better he’d say the glimmer in Jake’s vision was more brilliant than before. Love-stricken eyes peering right into Tom’s very soul and seeking to rattle the very foundation within.
“You’ve never told me much about them.” A brief pause while he rubs his hand back and forth along Tom’s cheek. “I just want you to know this: I love looking at you.”
Tom’s heart felt as if it skipped a beat. In his years, none have spoken to him in such a manner. Leaving the poor man unable to find the words to respond. His head fluttered with various thoughts, but they lacked cohesiveness. Ultimately, Tom chose to cozy his face against the touch of the other man.
A moment of tranquility unfamiliar to Tom. Before Jake, this was completely foreign to him. To be touched—held even—with such care and grace. It could only best be described as effervescent. Everything inside Tom begged for Jake to hold on, and to never let go. Jake himself, by look alone, would appear to want the very same.
“I think you are the most beautiful man I have ever seen.” He smiles, “I can’t change how you feel about these, and I never want to force anything on you.” Each word was spoken so carefully, slowly, to ensure they resonate with Tom. “One day though, I hope you can look at yourself happily. Until then… Let me look at you for both of us.”
Each word carried undeniable honesty, and raw uninhibited passion. An endless struggle when he saw himself within a mirror. A physical reminder of his failures carved into his very flesh. Dehumanizing would hardly scratch the surface of how it made him feel. The self-doubt, the loathing, all of it was too much.
Jake’s proposal — to use him as a mirror. To allow Jake to see him for the both of them. How would that work? It was a ridiculous idea, but it connected with Tom. It resonated within his very being, and it gave him hope . A spark, a fire, something within he wanted to cherish.
Henceforth, Jake will be his mirror. The one who reflects Tom back upon himself. To find adoration, love, and a means to move forward. The scars he carries may linger until his final breath, but what meaning they have needn’t remain forever. A rebirth—like a phoenix rising from the ashes.
Or perhaps in this instance it is the phoenix themselves bestowing the power of healing? Jake always found a way to make Tom feel better. Jake Hamilton, his little phoenix, and his hero.
Jake… I love you. I love you so much.
Tom’s eyes well up, and he pulls Jake right back into a tight embrace. A display of waterworks rushed down his cheeks. The rivers that ran were impossible to halt, yet neither man appeared to mind. In this moment it felt as if finding Jake was exactly what he needed.
A person he can love undoubtedly, a person he can trust with his whole being. Someone that can help him find the way to peace, and the means to make everything all the more easier.