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How long did it take for the average wizard to get over their brother’s death? Years? Decades? Never? Percy Weasley was wagering on the latter. It had been a couple months since the battle of Hogwarts, the end of the war. They had vanquished Voldemort and his reign of terror, fear could now be replaced with relief and joy. But at what price? Grief and misery had also wormed its way in and left a gaping void. One that now existed as a numb pain inside his chest he was sure would never go away. And he wasn’t the only one. Many including his parents, his brothers, his sister. They all had the same visible sign of the void in their eyes despite their attempts to fake a smile. To act like everything was now ok. But it wasn’t. For the wizarding world, yes, but plenty of the people within would still be dealing with what they had cruelly lost. Just as he was.
Being there at the time of death had been bad enough. The funeral however… he had lost it. Well, he tried not to. But standing in front of everyone, being so close to his brother’s body yet so far away from his spirit...he had tried to get words out. He wanted to. He owed it to him. But he had barely stumbled through the first two sentences before the flashbacks came. He still remembered it all. One minute he was fighting with Fred, side by side, for once. And a second miracle had happened when he made Fred laugh. And then the wall crashed, and he was breaking down. Shouting at Fred that he needed to get up. If he had just gotten up, he would have been fine. In his denial, that’s what he couldn’t understand until someone had pulled him away. Even then he half expected him to jump up and continue laughing because there was no way they’d get rid of him that easily. At least in his brothers’ final moments they were getting along for what had seemed like the first time in years. And now they would never get another chance.
Not being able to give his speech by Fred’s coffin had made him feel even worse. He should have been able to be stronger. Fred had been strong and brave. The fact that he felt so weak was the reason for Percy to lock himself up in his room again. That was until Bill came to speak to him.
“You can’t beat yourself up about it, Perce. We all miss him. We all wish we could have another chance at spending time with him. But Mum needs all of us now. We all need each other… and you’re not doing yourself any good by being up here all the time.”
His big brothers’ words had sunk in a little, but he still wasn’t showing any signs of leaving his bed and so that lead to Bill attempting to persuade him to go for a walk with him until Percy finally gave in. Bill was good with looking after his siblings, they all looked up to him and once he was determined to cheer one of them up, there was no stopping him.
Being out in the fresh outside air helped a bit to calm his thoughts a little. Closing himself off to the world like he had been doing had just been making him even more miserable, he just needed to let it all out. And that’s what Bill was helping him do.
“Here’s your chance, I’ll make sure no one bothers you, ok?”
They had walked over to where Fred grave was, for a moment all he could do was stare at the stone. The engraved words that each of them had contributed to adding. But then he turned to Bill again and nodded. And when Bill walked away, he got closer to the gravestone and sat down in the grass.
“I can just imagine how shocked you’d be that I haven’t been able to talk as much for once.” He started with a joke. That seemed appropriate. Maybe he should have started with one at the funeral, but there was no point in dwelling on that, as Bill had said. He was getting a second shot. Percy then let out a deep, long sigh.
“I can still remember the first time I ever told you off, you had turned Rons teddy into a spider. You didn’t understand that he didn’t mean to break your broomstick, and it’s hard to control magic at such a young age. But I was so sure that you had done it on purpose. You didn’t listen to me any better than you did as we got older. So, I told mum and it must have been a few hours before you would look at me or Ron again. Looking back, I should have been easier on you, not just that one time.”
He paused for a few moments there, a lump had formed in his throat and he was trying as hard as he could to swallow it back down so he could continue. No breaking down this time. He could do this.
“What I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being such a prat. I’m sorry for treating you and George like you were always up to no good, you were just trying to make people laugh. You made Ginny laugh whenever she was upset, something I didn’t do half as well. You made our siblings laugh, dad… I’m sure mum was trying not to laugh because she felt that she had to be responsible but everyone else… you’d have even made me laugh a hell of a lot more if I hadn’t had such a stick up my arse. I’m sorry for thinking you’d get nowhere with your pranks, for putting you down, your joke shop is what everyone needs right now. You’ll want to know it’s running well. More successful than anything I’ve ever done… something I wouldn’t have admitted before. Ron and George are starting it off again. George... well, none of us are used to seeing him by himself. I can’t imagine how he must feel right now…”
And that was where he started to break off, it wasn’t fair. How could someone who lived to make others happier be taken away from them all? It really wasn’t fair at all; Fred was too young. Too full of life. George needed him; their family needed him… he needed him.
‘It should have been me.’
That one thought had appeared in his mind often. Too often, he felt so guilty as if it was his fault Fred had died. Was something punishing him for betraying his family? If so, it should punish him only. No need to cause pain for anyone else. If he could die in Fred’s place, he would.
No, bad Percy. He had promised Bill that he wouldn’t blame himself for this a month before. That he would accept forgiveness. But he would never accept forgiveness from himself. Not for a while anyway. Though he would have to comfort the rest of his family more, turning away from them again would be a selfish move. He was here to say what he needed to say and then hope that he would move on, eventually.
“I’m just so sorry, if I could bring you back… somehow.”
But he knew there was no way of bringing his little brother back. He was gone. Taking shuddery breaths, he wiped his face to get rid of the tears that had built up and poured down his face and then tried to calm down again. He wasn’t finished.
“I suppose I’ll now say thank you. I was sure you’d hate me after I had betrayed our family, after I had abandoned mother and father… I didn’t think my apology would work but you were the first to step forward and forgive me. Though there wasn’t much time for more arguing, was there? I wish I had seen that before. I’m sorry for not seeing it… for not being there when our family needed to stick together. I was such a prat, a moron, I deserved every name I was called. I had my doubts near the end, everything at the Ministry was just wrong... so I ditched as soon as I heard about the battle at school. I knew you all had to be there, well… I was hoping Ginny would be safe at home, but I think we all know there’s no way our little sister would let herself be left out. As much as we try to protect her. I have no idea of what I would have done if I had lost any of you without as much as an apology. I doubt I would have been able to live with myself… it’s bad enough that I was barely with you for all that long before… I can’t even say it yet. None of us can. If I could see you pull one last trick to make us smile again, I’d see you come back to us, Fred. I’d see you fly into the house on your broomstick, fireworks blazing, and this would all have been just a nightmare. Until then, I will never stop missing you. And if there’s anyone trying to tell you what to do up there, tell them that’s my job and to sod off.”
He attempted a laugh at his own little joke at the end, but it soon turned into sobs. No longer being able to hold it in. But at least this time he could break down knowing that he had finished what he had meant to say before. And no one was there to watch him as his head fell into his lap for a while. If he let it all out now it might start hurting less.
But war always leaves its scars.