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“About the wedding, about us getting married–”
“Oh, you mean the ceremony? That doesn’t matter to me. And I won’t be wearing white.” A laugh was starting on her lips and–
“I don’t think we should do it.” How could he look her in the face and lie so horribly?
She stared at him in almost incredulous silence. There was nothing but confusion in her eyes and Booth could’ve kicked himself for starting their life together this way – for allowing her to believe for even a second that what she had just offered him wasn’t enough. He’d made her feel like that all those years ago, outside of the Hoover building, and that same look in her eyes could’ve killed him dead a thousand times over.
“I should’ve thought this through before.” He heard himself say.
She shook her head, her brow furrowing in confusion, like she expected him to prank her or something else that wasn’t so foul. “But…this is what you wanted.”
He nodded and pursed his lips. “But you didn’t.”
Tears filled her eyes and she tried to scoff at his argument. “But I do now,” she glanced down at her lap, thumbing nervously at the wedding magazine Angela had given her. “I love you. And…I want to marry you.”
This was killing him. Every glance, every suppressed tear, every emotional plea that she should’ve never had to make.
“Because we’ve been under so much pressure. I mean, that’s what’s really going on here, Bones,” he cleared his throat, trying to keep eye contact. “I mean, it’s–it’s like you said. It’s just a piece of paper. What we already have is enough.”
Her face crumpled as she choked back tears and Booth felt a piece of himself shatter alongside her. He hated that it was him doing this to her. Telling her she wasn’t enough. Telling her that he couldn’t give her everything she wanted and more. Everything they both wanted.
If only he could tell her the truth, the truth that had been so important to both of them over the last several years. The truth that had brought them together in the first place.
And then her expression was twisting back into that emotionless, perfect frame and that almost hurt worse – the fact that she could shut herself off from him so easily, even after all of these years. The fact that she felt like she had to keep herself hidden from further injury – injury that he was causing. The very fact that his Bones had, for once, been so irrational and so emotional and he was punishing her for it.
“You’re right. You’re right,” a gasp escaped her as she tried to keep her stoic face. “It’s been a stressful time. And, um, I’m impressed that you’re finally seeing things from my perspective.”
He kept himself from flinching at her suddenly harsh words. As if she hadn’t actually wanted to marry him. She was only trying to protect herself, old reflexes kicking in just in time to keep her from breaking down.
It didn’t make it hurt any less.
Seeley Booth had always done right by his women, but he had also always fought to save lives. He seethed, just knowing that Pelant had done this to make him hate himself, to drive a wedge into the relationship he’d worked so hard to finally have.
Nausea rumbled in his gut until he almost couldn’t hear the platitudes his loving partner was saying to him, trying to assuage him of the guilt for the pain he’d caused her. He didn’t deserve her. Not her beautiful mind, not her aching, enormous heart, not the love she still so gracefully bestowed upon him.
He wanted to gather her in his arms and tell her that it would all be alright, that he loved her, that he would never forgive himself for putting her through this. He’d offer her Pelant’s head on a stake as a proposal if he could.
Tears shone in the corners of her eyes, even as she tried to maintain her façade, and he desperately wished his bullet had found Pelant’s skull rather than just the side of his fucking face.
He didn’t know how to make this better. He didn’t know how to assure her, how to show her that he was still so unbelievably, irrevocably in love with her. So he decided upon the familiar.
“Hey, uh, do you maybe want to order in? I can make sauce–”
“I’m actually not hungry,” she was abrupt and awkward as she stood, not knowing where she fit into his life anymore. “I think I’ll just go upstairs and read for a bit.” She still held the wedding magazine in her hand, clutching it like it was the last time she’d ever get to be so close to a dream.
As she moved away from him, he’d never felt the distance between them so acutely. Not when she rejected him on the steps of the Hoover building, not when she fled to the Maluku Islands and he to Afghanistan, not even when he was with Hannah. He stepped forward and she stepped back and the cavernous maw of the ravine between them caved, sending them both stumbling back from a ledge steeper than he’d ever encountered.
“Yeah, um, I’m not really hungry either.” He murmured, trying to keep his voice from breaking.
The truth was, he was wounded too. It killed him to do this to her. It killed him that the fight had burned out of her almost immediately. He’d wanted her to scream at him, to sob, to throw things. He’d wanted to feel the pain he knew she was hiding. He wanted her to be truthful with him.
But Bones turned on her heel, ready to flee the massacre of their relationship, ready to hide and lick her wounds in private.
“Wait, Bones?” He couldn’t hide the desperation in his voice.
She turned impatiently, the placating mask on her face beginning to wane.
“We’re okay, right?”
She nodded and gave him a sad smile. “Of course.”
“Right.”
As soon as she left the room, he sat back in his armchair, head in his hands as he kept back tears. He heard the shower turn on upstairs and he wiped his cheeks, sniffling and shaking his head. He would fight for them. He’d do everything in his power to take down Pelant, to show the woman he loved that he was committed to her and only her for the rest of his life, to show her that this family, this life, they’d built together was more than he could’ve ever dreamed.
*****
After drinking a few beers in a desperate attempt to avoid the desolate feeling in the pit of his stomach, Booth walked slowly up the stairs, not knowing what he’d say to her now that he’d put this wall between them.
He first ducked his head into Christine’s room, finding his sweet baby daughter sleeping peacefully. He smiled softly at the little rumbling snores she was emitting and sent a quick thank you to God for his blessing.
Then, it was time to face the music. He hoped that giving Bones a little space as they navigated the newness of his rejection would be helpful, but he also didn’t want to risk driving her away even further. As he walked quietly down the hallway, he heard soft, hiccupping sobs echoing from their bedroom. His heart sank at the sound and he knew he should’ve followed her when she’d first left the room. He never should’ve let her suffer alone. He eased the door quietly open, stifling his own pain when the sobbing immediately stopped.
Bones was already in bed, the covers tucked tightly around her. She was hugging a pillow close to her body and pretending she hadn’t been crying.
He sighed and wandered into their bathroom. He stripped down to his boxers, gave his teeth a quick brushing, and headed back into the bedroom, having no idea how to approach the woman beside him. She’d turned her shoulder away from his side of the bed and he knew she didn’t want to seek her comfort from him. But as he stared at the slow raise of her side as she breathed deeply, pretending to be asleep, he clenched his jaw. He would not let Pelant ruin them. Not for fucking anything.
The covers were soft to the touch as he lifted them and slid into the warmth she was already emanating. He scooted even closer to her, tentatively wrapping his arm around her waist (and the goddamned pillow), and pulled her into him. She immediately tensed in his embrace but he just pulled her tighter, easing his front to her back and snuggling into her, just like he would every night. He pressed a soft kiss to the back of her neck and breathed deeply, inhaling the sweet scent of the orange shampoo she was so fond of.
“I love you, Bones. I love you.” He said firmly, squeezing her just a little tighter.
He felt her finally relax against him as she shook her head. She choked out a soft sob and tried to take it back, attempting to pull away from him, but he held steady.
“I love you.” He gritted out as he reaffirmed the sentiment, struggling to hold back his own tears.
She shook against him as she started to cry again. He buried his face against her neck, kissing softly and stealing all of her sorrows for himself. She still trembled in his arms but finally gave up resisting him, instead releasing the pillow and turning fully into his embrace. It killed him when she tucked her face into the juncture of his neck, refusing to let him actually see her at her most vulnerable. But he took his smallest victory that she was finally leaning into her grief with him, the one who bestowed it upon her.
“You just need to trust me on this, alright?” His voice finally broke as his own tears spilled over the dam. “Just trust me, baby. Please. I love you so much.”
“I just…I just don’t understand,” she hiccupped. “You’ve always wanted to get married. You told me to propose to you –”
“I know, Bones. I know it’s confusing. And I’m sorry. Really. I…I don’t want to ever hurt you. You just have to trust me on this one, okay?”
She sobbed into him; he could feel her tears drip down her cheeks until they salted his chest and he hated hated hated hated hated every second of her misery.
“Y-you,” she sniffled. “You wanted to marry Hannah…”
He immediately froze, feeling like he’d just been hit in the side of the head with a ton of bricks. He wasn’t quite sure why he hadn’t seen that blow coming. The more he thought about it, he knew it was an obvious comparison to make. He’d known and loved Bones for seven years – she’d even birthed his child , but he’d proposed to Hannah after just seven months. It was a wonder she hadn’t slapped the shit out of him, taken their daughter, and completely left him.
“You always have a plan,” she continued. “And maybe I just don’t fit into that–”
“Enough. That is enough, Bones. Look at me. Temperance, please,” he begged, finally shaking the sharp, stinging blow of Hannah off and maneuvering the love of his life so she would finally look him in the eyes. Her crystal eyes were red and puffy; it was obvious she’d been crying since he’d let her walk upstairs, thinking the worst of him.
“You are my plan,” his bottom lip trembled. “The whole thing. It’s just you, Christine, and Parker. That’s it. That’s all I want. Just you and our family. Don’t for a second think that my feelings for you have changed. I know, I know–” he cut her off as she opened her mouth, argument ready at the tip of her tongue. “I know this is so confusing and so unfair, but if you’ve ever needed to just trust me, it’s now.”
She stared at him for a moment, her big blue eyes tracing every line and pattern across his face, her hands pressing against his as he cupped her face. Tears continued to streak down her cheeks but the look in her eyes started to change. No longer was repressed fear and heartbreak reflected in those baby blue irises he loved so dearly; instead, her eyes shone in faint understanding, and if not understanding, then willingness to put her faith in him like she’d done so many times before.
His stiff posture instantly relaxed, as did his hold on her, and he sighed, emotionally pressing his forehead to hers.
“I’m your plan?” She whispered, a small smile gracing her features for the first time that night.
He chuckled and nuzzled against her, pressing his lips slowly to the corner of her mouth. She sighed into him and turned her head until her lips met his. The kiss was slow and sweet, warm and wanting. Booth pressed her back into the mattress, hovering carefully over her. He pulled back after a moment and studied her face, thumbing away a few stray tears.
He’d give her everything. “You are my whole plan, Temperance,” he murmured, sealing his words with another kiss pressed deeply to her lips. “Don’t ever think otherwise.”
Even if his plan did involve just a little bit more than her, he was going to execute Every. Single. Step.
Starting with Pelant.