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The lights in the bar were dim, barely able to read the menu. Buck simply ordered a he can't possibly go wrong with a beer. Tommy was on his way over, while the rest of the 118 was already 3 drinks deep, a week filled with hard calls that haunt you in the night it was the right call to go out and not think. At least for a couple of hours.
"So, Buck!" Chimneys voice slurred ever so slightly, "You and Tommy are a thing now?" Chimney smiled though there was something in his eyes that indicated something else.
"Yeah, uh, I guess? We've been going pretty steadily for a couple of months, so I guess yeah." He took a sip from his drink, still not used to being known as more than the womanizer.The beer did taste weird after all, leaving a bitter sting in his mouth.
"That's cool so cool." Chimney answered, sinking into the cushion of the booth. "Yeah, especially considering you know how he was back then." Chimney almost whispered. "He was a bit of a dick," followed by a giggle from Hen.
"Chim! You can't say that, it's not okay." Hen tried to say between laughing and drinking her pink colored cocktail.
"What do you mean?" Buck asked the fun buzz of the alcohol leaving his body.
"Well, you know." Chimney replied, shrugging.
"I don't think he knows." Hen tried to stage whisper to Chimney.
"Well, I don't you guys wanna share?" Buck asked, taking a sip from his bitter beer, hoping that he'll at least get that warm fuzzy buzz.
"Oh, I don't think we're allowed to share that, Buck." Hen answered in-between sips of her fancy cocktail.
"I don't care! I am sharing!" Chimney declared, "Back then, before you and Bobby. Tommy was a real ass, like he was rude and racist and constantly made these remarks you know," he took a sip from his drink, "like my first shift, he asked Gerard if he had forgotten to pay the delivery guy. And look, I am not saying he is still like that, but i figured it would be better to know that than to not." Chimney added.
"I don't even know if that was a correct sentence Chim'." Hen replied. "It's true though, when I first started, he was a piece of work, always trying to watch me when I was changing. Making me question my abilities in the field."
And Buck had a bitter taste in his mouth, not because of the beer. Rather, because of what he had just learned, it wasn't like Tommy was the love of his life. He wouldn't say that no. But they had been good, they had been working, and it was finally equal. Not anymore, though, because now, now Buck has to rethink everything. Catastrophic thinking.
Why didn't Tommy tell him? What else did he do at that time?
Beneath all the anxiety, there was anger.
"But, he isn't like this anymore, Buck. You gotta keep in mind that he was not safe to come out back then, right? You know that." Hen tried to smooth over the raw edges of his heart.
"Speak of the devil." Chimney remarked. Buck turned his head towards the door, and there he was, Tommy. Buck forced himself to be happy, to smile and kiss him. At least that was the plan.
"Hi guys," Tommy greeted the round as he leaned in to give Buck a kiss. Buck turned his cheek to him.
The confused look on Tommy's face angering him even more. "Alright," Tommy sat down, "what did I miss?"
"From the looks of it, a serious conversation." Eddie chimed in, finally returning from the bar. A beer and a cocktail in his hand.
Without even looking, he exchanged Buck's beer with the on in his hand.
Silence stretched through their booth.
Buck smiling thankfully at Eddie, how did he even know that the beer he had was just not it? Somehow, Eddie always knew when Buck was unhappy.
The conversation was started again, Hen telling them about something. Buck wasn't really able to listen. Still stuck at the story, Chimney told him.
Another round in, and Buck was still not speaking, still reeling from the idea that this man that is so soft and loving to him could have been so bad.
"We need to talk." The words came out of his mouth before he even realized. Tommy looked at him with a perplexed expression, clearly not understanding what was happening.
Within seconds, it seemed he was outside the bar, standing face to face with his boyfriend.
"Evan, what's going on?" Tommy asked. There it was again, that name. Buck didn't mind it. Usually, he didn't, but the betrayal still was deep in his bones.
"Chimney told me everything. " Buck might have had too much to drink, or it was his anxiety, his stomach turning at the look on Tommy's face.
"You gotta help me here, Evan. I don't know what you mean." There it was again that name.
"He told me," Buck had to close his eyes, "he told me all bout the way you used to be! The racism and the, the things you said!" Buck leaned against the wall, his lungs aching. Had he ever felt this betrayed before?
"Oh, that." Tommy took a step toward him. If Buck had been able to, he would have taken a step back.
"Listen, I was not doing well back then okay, it was hard. I didn't know who I was yet, and I just wanted, I needed to get through the day." Tommy tried to hold his gaze, making Buck feel even worse. "Look, I know it's not an excuse, but I just had no choice."
Bucks head was hurting, "That's bullshit and you know it. You could've said nothing, you could've gone to the chief, tell them about Gerard but no. Instead, you choose to, to play along? To pretend." Buck took a deep breath. This was not good. They hadn't fought before, and they hadn't ever had a problem before. It was all going so well.
"You also intimidated Hen! Watching her while she was changing? That's not playing along. That's predatory behavior." His vision was blury by this point, his throat feeling compressed.
"That's not true," Tommy tried, "I never did that." He was taking a step back now. His ego clearly hurt.
"Why would Hen lie to me?" Buck took another deep breath, his lungs feeling half their actual size.
"Because she-she's drunk! Why would I do that, Evan? I am gay." And that, well, that triggered something deep inside him.
"Just because you're gay doesn't mean you're automatically exempt from sexually harassing women."
Tommy scoffed at that, "You don't even want to believe me. Why should I even try to explain myself!" He turned his back towards Buck. Buck wasn't sure what to blame. Maybe it was the situation or the alcohol but he felt almost as bad as he did when he was pinned beneath a fire truck.
"I am not a bad guy, Evan. I have changed that guy back then. That's not me." Tommy tried again to find Buck's gaze. "This is pointless. I'm leaving. We can talk once you're not drunk anymore."
Tommy shook his head, turning to leave.
"You're a coward, Tommy." Buck called after him as he left.
Suddenly, all the adrenalin he was feeling before was gone. He felt like the ground was pulled out from beneath his feet. And then he threw up. Into the pretty rose bushes.
"Shit," like a miracle, Eddie was there. Holding his shoulders. "I take it that conservation didn't go well." He put an arm around Buck, "Let's get you home, Evan." Buck sighed, letting himself fall into the security of Eddie's touch, the bitter taste in his mouth only from throwing up.