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Hero was absolutely sure his house was going to burn down within the hour. He turned to the two potential arsonists and sighed.
“Alright, guys,” Hero said. “I’m gonna walk you through this as easily as I can. I need you to pay attention, okay?”
“Of course!” Kel exclaimed. “I pay attention SO WELL.”
Kel was looking past Hero out the window, where a cardinal sat perched on a branch. It shot Kel a dirty look with its beady little eyes. He glared back.
“Asshole bird…” he swore. “Sunny, look at this thing!”
Sunny was not looking at the rude cardinal. He was instead observing the fridge magnets.
“Mhm… whales.”
His gaze was focused on a magnet from Nearby City’s aquarium.
“Air conditioning,” he murmured.
Hero tapped his foot on the floor impatiently waiting for the two boys to stop being so damn distracted.
---
“Okay, we’re baking a cake. It’s a simple recipe and pretty collaborative, so we’ll have to work together to make it.”
Hero gestured to the ingredients arranged on the countertop.
“The first step is to mix the butter, sugar, eggs, and vanilla. I have a mixing bowl for that.”
The mixing bowl was not on the countertop, to Hero’s dismay. Seems his mother had put it back in the closet for once.
“Uh, is it just a bowl that you mix stuff in?” Kel asked.
“No, it- let me find it. It’s electric, so it works a lot faster than creaming the butter by hand.”
Kel smiled to Sunny, the two suppressing a giggle. Hero paused.
“What’s so funny?”
“You’re making it cream?” Kel teased. “Using your hand?”
Sunny bit his lip, nearly shaking to keep from laughing. Hero had to admit, it was nice to see the kid having fun after so long in isolation, but he didn’t like being the butt of a joke. And they had to cook.
---
Hero stepped into the kitchen with the mixing bowl and immediately was struck with annoyance. Kel had the vanilla extract and was sniffing it curiously.
“So, Sunny, do ya think it’ll taste as good as it smells?” Kel wondered.
Sunny shrugged. He didn’t have any cooking experience. He’d spent years with microwaved steak.
“Man, you probably ate a lot of weird stuff in your house, huh?”
“Ramen. Raw.”
“Raw? How does ramen-”
“The block. No water.”
Kel’s eyes widened, both from surprise at his friend’s terrible food habits and the possibility of trying this new idea.
“Was it any good…?”
“Crunch.”
Hero set the mixing bowl down on the nearest countertop. He did not feel like babysitting Kel and Sunny while they did stupid shit.
“Hey, Hero, does vanilla-”
“No.”
“Really?”
Hero grit his teeth.
“Vanilla extract tastes like poison. You add a tiny bit to your batter and when it bakes, it tastes better.”
“Aww… guess we’re not trying that, Sunny.”
Sunny probably could survive eating uranium at this point, but okay.
“Oh, Hero, what temperature do we put the oven to? That’s an important step, right?”
God bless Kel, trying to help out for the few seconds he decided he would.
“What temperature do you think, Kel?”
“I dunno, that’s why I’m asking you.”
“I’m wondering what temperature you’d think is appropriate.”
Hmm.
“Well, 100 is too low. That’s how hot it gets in summer sometimes, but people don’t catch on fire or anything. I think 200-something is where water boils. Uh, so maybe… 150?”
“Try 350.”
“Okay, I’ll try that! Might burn the cake, though. I think 150-”
“That’s… what the recipe says, Kel. 350 through 375 is the most common temperature for recipes.”
“Then maybe the recipe’s wrong.”
“Kel. This recipe is from one of the most popular cookbooks in the country. It has been used hundreds, if not thousands of times. It will work.”
“Yeah, but… just following directions is kinda boring, isn’t it?”
Sunny poked his head up from where he was now sitting, which was on the floor. He was not eating uranium, but he could have been, and they’d all be none the wiser.
“The directions are what help us know what to do, Kel.”
“But I like doing my own thing! I didn’t get any directions when I got Sunny out of the house. And look, everything went fine!”
Sunny’s lack of an eye indicated otherwise.
---
Hero decided to leave the house for his sanity's sake. Just in case they actually wanted to eat once they finished baking, he ordered a small cake from Othermart.
Sunny, who’d gone to the bathroom and stayed there until the smoke cleared, had thought of the same thing.
And Kel, still convinced he could bake… had also done that.
Three store-bought cakes really are better than a homemade lump of rock.