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It's been a while, Xiao thinks, since the night sky was such a bright blue. The moonlight seemed to seep into every star that was speckled across. Xiao wants to find some metaphor there, about a canvas, about the peace brought on by such a beautiful view. But that wasn't his speciality, and the bard whose it is wasn't currently there.
The only serenity Xiao has seen lately was in the smoke of cigarettes hanging from his lips. Maybe it was just the warmth of the flame licking at his fingertips as the cigarette is about to go out, imitating physical touch which he was afraid to ask for, or maybe it was the suffocation stuck in his throat, pretending to be his imminent end, which brought on that comfort.
He wasn't sure. Although he was sure that he didn't care.
As he took another breath in, seeing the tip spark up in red embers, he closed his eyes, feeling the burn in his mouth and throat. Who was it that introduced him to these things? Xiao's memory is foggy, which is quite surprising for the adeptus, but somewhere far in his mind, he sees the figure of himself, staring down at passing Liyue guards.
Of all the ridiculous human inventions... Xiao exhales, watching the smoke float up, tickling his nose and somehow catching onto his clothes and hair. He taps the stick a couple times, dropping the hot ashes onto a nearby stone, careful not to let them fall into the grass.
He takes one more breath in, the flame getting dangerously close to Xiao's mouth, but he ignores it in favour of closing his eyes against the chilly breeze. His chest feels weirdly heavy, and he's unsure if it's because he misses Venti, or because of weight of all of his tasks and responsibilities that have suddenly crashed down on him.
She died A voice keeps whispering in the back of Xiao's head. And really, he should be used to this. The recklessness of victims wasn't Xiao's fault, and their subsequent death wasn't preventable, he tried. He always tries.
It doesn't mean that the deaths ever stop feeling so crushing.
"I failed," he remembers telling Morax Zhongli the first time it happened. How many hundreds were saved? Xiao didn't count, but he counted the exact 27 that died. 16 soldiers, 11 children.
"You saved them. Had it not been for your swift assistance, they would not have made it." Were the Archon's words of reassurance, but all that Xiao could think of in reply was Those 27 would not have died directly because of me had I not been there at that exact time.
He bit his tongue then.
And Xiao bites his tongue now, quickly dropping the small stub of the cigarette left over, licking at his lips to get rid of the mildly painful burning sensation. It was a weird thing, really. It never mattered how many were saved, as long as there was a single death caused directly or indirectly by Xiao, he would wish he was never even there in the first place.
He reaches down, patting his pants for another smoke as he feels the thoughts swirling back to the front of his mind. His movements slightly frantic despite his stoic expression and not even the smallest twitching of his body.
He walks back to the small fire he made, almost burned to cinders, and with practiced motions, lights another. "Seriously, rauchen ist nicht gesund, Liebling." Xiao can't help the fond smile and the roll of his eyes upon hearing the other's voice.
"And drinking until you're blackout drunk is? I'm afraid you don't have much of a ground to stand on here." Xiao spins on his heel to face Venti just in time to see him smirk back, sitting down with crossed legs in front of Xiao.
Xiao chooses to just keep standing, leaned against a nearby tree. "Never liked being on the ground anyway." Venti shrugs, reaching behind him for something hidden in his cape. "I could sense your stress all the way from Mondstadt so... Ich habe beschlossen, dir Schokolade mitzubringen!"
Xiao only raised his eyebrow as he took another inhale, staring at the overly-intricate design on the small box. "What...?" He spoke through his exhale, the smoke stinging his eyes as he incidentally pushed it closer to his face.
"Chocolate! You know, the thing most sweets are made of apart from sugar?" Xiao couldn't help but shake his head, unintentional light laughter leaving his lips, which seemed to more than satisfy Venti.
"I know what chocolate is, Venti. Why did you bring me it?" The bard only grew a mischievous grin, which, in Xiao's book, was never a good sign for him. "I don't like that expression." He sighed, reluctantly sitting down next to his lover.
Venti swiftly unraveled the golden bow, opening up a wooden box with uniquely shaped pieces each fitting in their own little spot. Venti, after just a glance, took the heart shaped one and pressed it against Xiao lips, who had to quickly pull the cigarette away to avoid hurting Venti, but before he could berate him, Venti pushed the chocolate in his mouth.
With as much hesitation as he had left over after all of his years with Venti, Xiao bit down. The first taste that he registered was sugar, and the second, much more potent and coming seemingly in waves, was a weird bitterness. A familiar-but-not-quite sensation lingered. Before he allowed himself to think too much about it, Xiao swallowed.
"What even was that?" Xiao wiped at his face, feeling like that tingling encompassed his entire head and throat. As he tried to wash it down with another taste of his cigarette, he realised that Venti took it out of his hand and was smoking it himself. He tried to sigh again, but Venti pushed another chocolate in his mouth, a star shaped one this time.
"Dandelion wine," Venti simply said, seemingly unbothered by Xiao's grimaces. "What? There's not much alcohol in them! Was ist los?" Venti giggled, his tone dripping in sarcasm so heavily even Xiao from several years ago would have been able to detect it easily.
"There's more alcohol in this than sugar."
"If that were the case, it would be way too bitter. You do know that these are supposed to be sweets, right, Liebchen?"
"It is way too bitter."
Venti laughed, throwing the only-half smoked cigarette away carelessly. Xiao would have glared at him for that, but he was too busy trying to figure out how something could taste like how a toothache could feel. "Sweet Archons above-"
"I'm right here-"
"Not you!"
He hissed, choosing to lay down instead. Venti's warm hand found itself in his hair, brushing back the strands. "You need to relax a bit," Venti whispered, the joking tone from moments before disappearing. "Alcohol seemed like a bad idea but... what else could I use to get you to take a rest?"
Xiao tried to laugh, to get back to the playful mood, but all that came out was, "She died because of me."
Venti hummed, looking up at the gorgeous night sky, his eyes shining in the small lights.
"The moon needs the sun to shine. What do you think, Liebling? What's it like for your entire existence to depend on a dying star?" Venti looked at him through his lashes "Maybe she just tried to keep you shining for a moment longer."
As Xiao takes another chocolate, shaped like the moon, the last bits of the ache in his chest disappear, as the wound which would have been fatal had it not been for that human woman, fades to the back of Xiao's mind.