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Till's first memory of Ivana was when they first met in first-grade elementary school. Ivana was a new transfer student and everyone was curious about her but she wasn’t responsive to anyone or the teacher. Till thought she was strange but was sure the transfer student would be popular nonetheless it was rumored she transferred from a private school and her father is a CEO of some bigshot company. A few weeks went by and she noticed Ivana would be eating lunch by herself. People lost interest in her as people believed she was “mute” and probably moved here since she was bullied in her previous school (or that is what the other girls in the class would say about Ivana during lunch). Till noticed she seemed rather short compared to others her age and for her looks she was probably the prettiest girl in class. At least no one bullied her since they were afraid of meddling with someone with a high status. Till couldn't care less but she couldn’t help but notice how the girl was in her line of vision. When the first round of exam results came back she ranked first and everyone applauded her but she didn’t muster a smile or a thank you. Which quickly irked the other fellow students for her being disrespectful and a snob.
As Till was passing by she noticed a group of girls grabbing Ivana’s shoes and throwing them in the trash can.
“That would teach the rich snob to think she is higher than us. Like who does she think she is? She can’t even bother to say Hi because she thinks she is above us” A girl sighed as she proceeded to dump her soda in the same trashcan.
“This probably won’t even affect her seeing as her father could buy her ten pairs of higher-end shoes or anything she ever wanted. Hell maybe her father made a deal with the school so that way she remains on top. Maybe she moved here because the last school didn’t allow bribery or something” A girl snickered as she was rummaging through Ivana’s locker.
Till really wants to step in but she doesn’t even know the girl.
“Ugh she doesn't carry any expensive stuff with her. Maybe she isn’t as stupid as she looks.”
“Maybe she is an illegitimate child. Do you think we can make money off of her if we blow her cover? Maybe her dad can pay us to keep it a secret!” One girl squealed enthusiastically.
“I doubt it, who would be dumb enough to send their illegitimate child to a poor public school? My money is that she’s adopted and used as a front for advertisements for pity. Just look at Till! She’s also an orphan and nobody is around her because her mother gave her up for a life on the streets” One girl replied as she stole money from Ivana’s wallet. Till felt herself being consumed by rage. They don’t even know Till’s mother died and she was adopted by her only living relative, a sleazy uncle.
Just as Till was going to show them a lesson, the door opened, and Ivana walked in to see the girls rummaging through her things.
She stared at them as the girls looked at each other whispering what to do.
Till noticed something different in Ivana’s stare; it wasn't something menacing but rather as if she found the scenario all too familiar?
As the girls were trying to come up with an excuse, Ivana grabbed her bag and gathered the items that were sprawled on the floor.
“Are you seriously not going to say anything? What are you going to tell the Teachers on us? Go ahead, we can make your life miserable!” A girl shouted as her two friends were trying to calm her down.
Ivana looked at her staring into the other girl's eyes and even Till felt a bit weirded out. The girls seemed disturbed by her stare and splashed Ivana with water before they giggled and left Ivana alone drenched.
Till wanted to leave too but before she could find her exit her phone’s alarm began to go off to remind her it's time for the next class to start. As Till hurriedly tried to turn her phone off she heard footsteps and Till wanted to run but she heard a low voice.
“Wait”
Till stopped in her tracks and turned to see Ivana staring at her. No one has ever heard her talk, but Ivana spoke. It was low not as squeaky or girly like the others but like something different hoarse?
“Do you know where they put my shoes?” Ivana spoke a bit louder as if Till couldn’t hear her. Till was at loss at words, Ivana wasn’t mute a revelation now just hitting her. Till nodded and began to dig into the trash can where she found Ivana’s shoes soaked in said soda. Till then quickly took them to the restroom and grabbed a bit of soap and ran it through warm water and dried them up with a paper towel. Till felt guilty for not stepping in and even worse as if the other found comfort? Or well found Till somewhat approachable since she spoke only to her.
“You don’t have to do that, it's fine. They will get dirty anyways this won’t be the last time they do this” Ivana spoke as she took the shoes from Till and was beginning to slip off her slippers but Till snatched them back.
“It’s not fine, why don’t you talk back? I thought you were mute or something. Why didn’t you stand up for yourself? Maybe if you were to scare them off they wouldn’t bother you again” Till spoke rather angrily but it seemed Ivana was taken back.
“Why do you care? You didn’t stop them either” Ivana replied which made Till feel worse. She is right. Why does Till even care? It isn’t like her to get worked up over this. Besides this girl doesn’t care and instead of saying thank you she seemed upset that Till is doing this for her!
“Listen, I wasn't planning to interfere until they brought my mother up because I wasn’t going to risk my peace for someone I don’t know. But since you began to speak to me you must see me as someone you trust right? So that means I care since you went out of your way to speak to me” Till grabbed more paper towels hoping the soles of the shoes would dry quickly before they would have to be called to do their daily run. “Plus, I wouldn’t wish for someone to run in soda-soaked shoes and then proceed to wear the same pair of socks for the rest of the day. You do know you already have a target on your back, right?”
“You’re weird” Ivana replied as she helped Till dry out her shoes
“Says the weirdo who refused to talk to people the past month and stares at people until they are uncomfortable” Till quipped back and expected for Ivana to continue the banter but she saw those eyes of hers again but this time she noticed her pupils were a different color like a rich black as if it were outer space. But there was a bit of a shine in her eyes rather than her blank stares.
“Quit staring at me! Plus, you didn’t say thank you, didn't they teach you any manners at home?”
“My father is working overseas, and my brother Soo is the only one who can take care of me when he isn’t busy studying. We don’t have a mom because she died giving birth to me so that is why Dad sent me here. He doesn’t care about what I do as long as I can make up for killing my mom. Soo is the only person who cares about me” Ivana said. Till felt guilty yet again for stepping out of line.
“Jeez way to dump your story so quickly. Look I can’t teach you all the fancy stuff like what spoon is a soup spoon or whatever, but I can teach you how to defend yourself from girls like that and how to avoid being an outcast...and for what it is worth I also lost my mom. I live with my uncle, but I hate him I plan to move out whenever I can” Till spoke softly
“But aren’t you an outcast too? No one really talks to you either”
“Why do you have to be so mean…I am not an outcast! I just don’t want to be friends with anyone here. I know what they are like and see them for who they are. Plus, they all have formed their own friend groups so I would rather be a lone wolf” Till smiled brightly at Ivana hoping she gets the sentiment. A sense of comradery.
“I am doomed” Ivana spoke as she slipped on her shoes and began to tie up her long silky black hair into a ponytail.
“YOU ARE NOT!! I’m telling you! We are friends now, Ivana!” Till shouted frustratingly. “I’ll be your friend no matter how weird and mean you are. Weirdos stick together”
“Thank you…Uh what's your name?” Ivana asked which made Till regret even offering her friendship. But before Till could curse at her Ivana began to laugh. Till noticed she has dimples and how pretty she really looks when she laughs.
“Kidding, thanks Till. Also, could I borrow a towel?” Ivana spoke and her gaze changed to something warm as if Till was an ember that was warming away the coldness in her heart. A moth drawn to a flame.
—----------
Navigating elementary school was easy since the two paired up and would leave the two alone. Till would like to assume it is because of her fighting record but once she caught Ivana threatening a girl who stole Till’s birthday gift from Ivana. Ivana would speak harshly and would stare at them menacingly. Nevertheless, Ivana began to smile more and began to speak up in class which left the Teacher stunned when they heard Ivana’s low earthy voice. Till would find herself getting close to Ivana as she seemed like a friend for life and once they entered middle school it is where their relationship changed.
Ivana hit puberty rather quickly. Her voice was ever so low but she was taller now she would be taller than all of the boys in class. Not only did she have a growth spurt but her body was more developed than the other girls as well making Till jealous as she was still flat as a board. Ivana grew quickly in popularity with the boys and the girls. She would receive love confessions, be invited to pool parties, and was scouted as a young model by agencies.
Till felt a bit scared that Ivana would abandon her now seeing as she doesn’t need her since so many are wanting to befriend her. But Ivana was ever so blunt calling everyone shallow for liking her for her appearance and would flat out reject anyone saying she would never date any of them. Till found it reassuring but then a cruel rumor started to spread.
“Ivana is a lesbo that is why she has only been with Till because they are gay for each other” A girl laughed “Have you ever seen them apart from one another? They probably check us out in the locker room as the creeps they are”
“IVANA IS NOT MY GIRLFRIEND! I DONT LIKE GIRLS! I WILL NEVER SEE IVANA THAT WAY. YOU GUYS ARE GROSS AND JUST JEALOUS THAT IVANA IS MORE POPULAR THAN YOU GUYS” Till screamed at the top of her lungs and lunged at the girls ready to beat them up for their ignorant comments.
“I do like girls” A voice spoke that snapped out of Till’s fury. That low voice-
“Is there a problem with that? Because frankly, you guys aren’t worth checking out. More so I have a video of you two smoking during class time you wouldn’t want the teachers to find out now do you? No one will believe you unless I say I am. Choose wisely” Ivana smiled as she waved around her phone.
The girls were stunned and apologized profusely to Ivana. But Till was shocked that the girls were right that Ivana liked girls. How could Till not know? Did Ivana like her like that?
“Are you actually a lesbian?” Till spoke and she saw Ivana’s serious expression.
“Are you uncomfortable by it? I’m sorry this isn’t how I imagined telling you but I feel like I am. It’s okay if you don’t want to be near me” Ivana looked down as she grabbed her own arm as if preparing for Till to lash out at her.
(Since Soo has a boyfriend and explained to her about different sexuality labels, Ivana knew she resonated with being a lesbian since the only person she has dreamed about kissing is in front of her not that she would ever tell).
“No it's fine I don’t care. Just don’t fall for me” Till lightly jokes. Ivana opened her mouth but the bell rang before she could reply to Till.
Since then their relationship has changed. It wasn’t that Till was doing it on purpose but she couldn’t stop thinking how Ivana came to that realization. Did she like a girl? Has she already kissed someone? How far has she gone with them?
Why does she even care? It’s not her business, she shouldn't entertain those thoughts. Besides they don’t keep secrets from each other so Ivana would definitely tell her if she ever did kiss someone.
‘But I don’t want to know!’ A voice echoed in her brain as she felt her stomach drop at the idea of Ivana kissing a girl. The idea disgusts her…oh she doesn’t want to be homophobic this isn’t this isn’t a good idea. She accepts Ivana! Just she doesn’t want to hear or see it.
Till feels conflicted and locks those thoughts away as she makes way for her class.
Ivana couldn’t concentrate in class as she was reanalyzing Till’s words how she would never fall for her. Was she too blunt? Was it her personality? Is there something she could do to make Till like her? But Till said she doesn’t like girls. Was she disgusted by the idea of Ivana liking her? Ivana bit her lip to stop herself from crying. She can’t be weak. Besides, she just needed to talk to Till!
Once the last class ended Ivana quickly raced to the entrance to find Till blushing as she talked to Soo’s boyfriend Min. Since Soo High School was nearby he has been picking the two of them up. Ivana felt her hopes of making Till blush like that disappear the moment she made eye contact with her. Till ignored her and continued to talk to him and blushed more when Min patted Till’s head calling her cute.
Min said Soo wouldn’t be able to walk them so Min offered to and even took them out to eat ice cream. Ivana couldn’t hate Min as he was a ray of sunshine that made their lives better ever since Soo brought him over to eat dinner with them. Ivana had never seen Soo happier in her life and could tell from both of their stares that the two would be together forever. They needed each other like air. So Ivana couldn’t help but hope that Till would stare at her like that. But she is staring at him and constantly stumbling on her words. Ivana realized that Till would never see her more than a friend.
Since meeting Min Till would constantly ask if Min would pick them up or if he is at Ivana’s house. Ivana wants to shatter whatever daydream Till has with Min and tell her Min is dating her brother. But the way she actively seeks out Ivana and smiles enthusiastically makes her weak. If she were to tell her Till would be sad and she may never see her eyes filled with literal hearts.
Maybe Till’s crush would end soon, she hopes. Then maybe Till could want to hang out with her just because it is Ivana and not as a pretext to see Min.
—--
They are in their last year in high school when Till confesses to Min. Ivana overheard by accident since Min offered to walk Till home since Soo needed to shower and Ivana just wanted to check if they had left already to turn off the street light.
“I like you Min I will be performing a song at the school festival and I don’t want to hear your response until then. Please think about your response after seeing my performance” Till shouted and dashed her way home.
Min stayed there dumbfounded and noticed Ivana standing by the door. Min walked towards the door and grabbed Ivana before she could run.
“You two aren’t dating??” Min asked, “You haven’t told her I’m dating your brother?”
“I couldn’t tell her because I had never seen her so happy before. Can you let her down easily? I don’t think she would ever speak to me if she knew I didn’t tell her the truth” Ivana begged.
Min felt guilty as she had never seen Ivana beg in the years she had met the girl. She has seen her grow from a cold reserved mini-adult (similar to Soo’s serious demeanor) to a playful lovestruck girl. In her mind she feels as if she was truly a little sister to her and so was Till. She hugged the girl and promised to let her down easy to keep her relationship a secret until Ivana would tell her friend the truth. Ivana hugged Min tightly and sobbed a bit on his shoulder. Once Soo stepped out of the shower Min headed in. Ivana’s phone rang and noticed Till calling her. She locked herself in her room to talk with Till.
Till begins to gush about Min and how she’s nervous to sing to a crowd to prove that she doesn’t want to be seen as a little sister to Min. Till kept saying that she would never love anyone other than Min even if he were to reject her because Min is her ideal type. Ivana felt sick to her stomach and beat herself up for foolishly believing her childhood friend would have ever stopped to notice her. Ivana had prepared a song as well but she couldn’t muster the courage to sing it right after Till’s performance knowing she wouldn’t even be in the crowd since she would quickly go to see Min to hear his confession. She had a plan and hoped it would work praying that whatever higher power would have mercy on her.
On the day of the performance, there was a crowd to hear those perform for the talent show as the senior project. Since Till was first to perform she felt herself get nervous. She would peer out the curtain to see if she could find the blur of pink in the crowd.
“Till can we talk?” Ivana spoke softly
“Can it wait, I'm about to go soon and I am making sure I get the notes perfect” Till replied as she was tuning her guitar.
“Till please” A whisper as if she were to break. Till knew her friend was equally nervous and probably needed a hug to calm her nerves.
“Can you wait for me after my performance? I know you won’t be able to hear me sing but I want to meet you afterward” Ivana spoke as she stared at the ground.
Till found this odd as Ivana never bothered to ask for things anymore and did what she wanted. She never showed herself to be vulnerable. Till begins to worry for her and is about to tell her to just spit it out but they call her name with her song “Unknown till the end”.
“Sure okay! Cheer for me, okay?” Till smiled as she held a peace sign towards her. Ivana smiled slightly as she saw Till walk onto the stage.
Till steadied her nerves and quickly looked and saw Min in the front with Soo. She smiled as Min showed up and began to sing her heart out and stared at him hoping he could understand the lyrics of her song.
Meanwhile, Ivana let herself cry a bit as this would be the last day she would see Till.
She decided that she would tell Till the truth about Min and Soo and how she was her and probably would be her only love. She knows Till will reject her and will probably never talk to her again, possibly being disgusted with Ivana for having romantic feelings for her. For that, she sings her heart out just to express her love even if Till won’t hear her since she will be hearing Min’s response to her confession.
With sweat and the high of performing Till dashes out quickly to meet Min out in the crowd. She knows she may not be the picturesque of a shoujo confession but she hopes Min can oversee that. When she met Min for the first time and his smile she felt her heart beat speed up rapidly. He was handsome and the way he smiled at her made Till brim with happiness. Once she saw Min she dashed and quickly tried to fix her hair and steady her breath.
“What is your answer, Min?” Till spoke as she saw Min smiling at her so warmly. Her heartbeat echoed in her ears.
“You are so talented and I felt your feelings. I am truly flattered that you like me but I’m so sorry. My heart belongs to another” Min apologized as hugged Till. “I truly hope the next time you love someone they can love you just as much if not more. You truly deserve it. Would it be okay if we stayed as friends?”
Till felt her heart sink into the pit of her stomach. She knew it was inevitable she was younger than him, maybe he liked older girls. She felt herself tear up but with the way Min soothed her by hugging her, she knew she would remain as a little sister to him and it stung.
With a bittersweet moment, Till pushed Min slightly. “We can be friends. I would just need time to uhm move on?”
“That’s fine with me. Again, truly thank you for liking me” Min smiled.
“That was “Black Sorrow” by Ivana. Please hold a round of applause as she has signed a contract with a music label and a modeling agency. We are proud to have taught an excellent and exemplary student”
Till felt herself freeze. Ivana is already signed with a music label and planning to model and she hadn’t told her any of it. Till felt herself begin to panic. Why hasn’t Ivana shared any of this information with her? Did she want to keep it a secret as a surprise for herself?
“Till I knew you would be here” Ivana spoke as she approached her.
“I’ll leave you two alone,” Min began to excuse himself.
“No, please stay. It won’t be long, besides I have a flight to catch a bit so if you could accompany Till for a while longer I would appreciate it” Ivana.
Flight? She’s not even going to stay for their last dance? Wait what is going on
“Till” Ivana’s voice shook her out of her pensive state.
“Why didn’t you tell me anything? What the fuck am I to you? I thought we were best friends! Do you not trust me?!” Till shouted as she grabbed Ivana by the shoulders. Min panicked and begged Till to calm down.
“No, you are not my best friend” Ivana spoke as she took Till’s hands off of her. Till was going to reply but Ivana cupped Till’s face.
“You are my everything. I have never met someone as stubborn and brash as you. You barged into my life and made me feel important. You stayed with me throughout everything and even protected me from others. I never once saw you as my best friend but rather my light you are the reason why I push myself each day. I fell in love with you before I even knew what love was. You asked me to not fall for you but I couldn’t help myself. It was too late. When you fell in love with Min I couldn’t bring myself to tell you the truth. He has been dating my brother since their first year of high school and I am so sorry for keeping you in the dark. I know you don’t feel the same for me and I am okay with that. I know I could never be like Min. I just hope you never forget me” Ivana began to cry as she held Till’s hand.
“What the fuck are you saying? Stop acting like you are dying” Till snatched her hand away as if it burned her. She felt herself begin to panic. This isn’t what she anticipated: a rejection is fine but her only true friend confessing her feelings but leaving her?
“I’m leaving, I won't be back Till. I’m going overseas and I won’t be back until I can be worthy of your love. I’m sorry that I saw you more than a friend.” Ivana smiled weakly.
“Bullshit. You promised that we would stick together. Why are you abandoning me?! YOU LIAR! YOU”RE NOTHING BUT A COWARD” Till shouted as she began to scream pushing Ivana into the floor she was getting ready to punch her but Min held her back.
“I’m sorry Till. Until then please wait for me okay?” Ivana left quickly to her car to head to her leaving her alone with Min as he tried to calm Till down, but she was distraught.
—
It has been five years since she has seen her. Till remembered calling Ivana’s phone and leaving endless messages begging her to come back and some hurtful words at first. Till couldn’t promise she could love her back like that but wasn’t loving her platonically enough? Why did no one want to stay with her? Till poured her heart into her music and swore to catch up to her. She would play at random gigs in hopes that maybe Ivana would be there. She kept in contact with Min and Soo to see if they heard from Ivana but they too were unable to reach her. Since she was trying to become a solo Korean artist of course they wouldn’t allow her to talk to anyone.
Within those five years, Till would constantly try to get contracted by a music label but her theme didn’t suit what the industry wanted. So Till gained her fan base through social media and would go live explaining how her music journey started with her childhood friend and how she wanted to reunite with her. Of course, others were touched by her story and her popularity grew since then dubbed the “Queen of Romantic Rock”.
Till was playing in their hometown and was getting ready to gear up to play hoping she would show. Till peered out the curtains to see the bar filled and smiled to herself. Every time she peers out the curtain she feels as if Ivana would be behind her like that day when she left her.
Till performed covers of popular songs and then played her song titled “To You”. A song expressing how she wants Ivana back in her life. She scans the crowd to see if she can see the sea of black with a hue of crimson red in the center as if it were a solar system only Till had discovered. Of course, she didn’t find it but she was intrigued by a person watching her attentively dressed in all black. After her performance, the audience clapped and a small group of people asked for an autograph but she noticed the person in all black waited for the crowd to disperse. As she politely excused herself she chased after the person dressed in all black.
“Who are you?” Till spoke as she held the hem of their black sweater.
“Doesn’t matter. Do you love them?” A person with a pale complexion asked. She has been asked who her best friend is exactly but she doesn’t want to mix too much of her personal life with her public image.
“Be more specific” Till spoke as she put her guitar away.
“....You don’t even know if you like her romantically do you? All these years and you still don’t have a definitive answer” The person laughed bitterly and began to walk away from Till but Till grabbed their shoulder and made them face her.
“Who are you to judge me? You don’t even know the story. I will ask again who the fuck are you?” Till spoke getting closer to the person. The person grabbed Till’s arm and dragged her in an alleyway. Till was ready to fight but the person took their black cap and black face mask off. She was beautiful and worthy of a picture. Her eyelashes were even blonde and she looked like a porcelain doll. She has never seen someone so doll-like.
“My name is Luka. I am Ivana’s partner. Once I heard your music the way you described her I needed to see you to ask you to refrain from making music about my partner. Your music lacks precision and frankly, I don’t think you should produce anymore music.” Luka spoke and Till felt fury consume her.
“What makes you think you can come in and tell me what to do? I don’t care if you are Ivana’s partner, I can write whatever the hell I want. We have known each other for years and have more history. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind listening to my music” Till spoke harshly as she showed a picture of the two of them in elementary.
“I can bet I know her more than you but nevermind that. If you were to destroy her career that she spent years working towards, what would you offer her? Can you promise to love her when she’s unable to get out of bed? Do you think you can kiss her and make her forget her tragic memories? Do you know she has recurring nightmares and she needs someone to tell her she didn’t kill her mother? I doubt you know that she likes to be held after a tiring day and being reminded of how worthy of love she is” Luka shoved Till and as Till fell to her butt she noticed the smug look on the blonde girl before her.
Till can’t remember a time where Ivana had nightmares. Ivana always held Till and comforted her but the only time Ivana was vulnerable was when she confessed her feelings to Till. Why did Ivana open up so much to this person? Was she not good enough?
Could Till be there for her? Till is growing her fanbase she can’t offer Ivana a luxurious life but they can be happy in a studio can’t they? If they have each other they can make it through. She’s sure if Ivana can trust a random person then Till can learn just as much and more about her. She can make that effort!
Can Till kiss her?
She never bothered to ask if she likes Ivana like that. She can’t be sure it isn’t the same as when she liked Min. All she knows is she needs Ivana by her side. Her dark circles are evidence of that and she has endless canvasses of Ivana. She’s her muse for everything.
Luka looked at the gray pixie cut girl in front of her. She looks equally as bad as when Ivana first lived with her during their trainee years. Her disheveled look isn’t just a public image but rather she is lost without Ivana. Luka sighed that maybe she was being rather harsh to her but she needed to know whether the girl could love her as much as Ivana had loved her. When Ivana would talk about her childhood friend named Till she would speak as if she were a god who blessed her during her times of need. Luka couldn’t understand but then again Ivana was a bit weird if not weirder than her.
“My publicist wanted to have you open for our first debut concert. We will release the music by the end of this week and the debut will be around a month or so. If you truly love Ivana then you could cancel your upcoming shows for her. Try not to lose your popularity at that time or we will find someone else” Luka shoved a paper to Till and walked out to a black car.
Till was dumbfounded but felt herself smile again. She is going to meet Ivana! In a month she will see if Ivana has changed or well if she still cares for her. She looked at the paper and knew she had to make justice out of this opportunity. She will take everything the girl said into consideration. She had to change to make sure she was worthy of this chance and she just knew who to contact.
—-
“You wanted to know what? If I recorded her song that she sang?” Soo questioned as he sipped on his coffee.
“Please I am going to see Ivana soon and I want to sing her song. I want to prove to Luka that I deserve her and that Ivana should choose me over that rip off of me” Till spat as she bounced her leg nervously. Soo raised an eyebrow and he was about to ask who is Luka but he was cut off by his boyfriend.
“Oh! You mean Black Sorrow, the song she sang when you were confessing to me?” Min replied.
“Please don’t remind me that was so embarrassing” Till sighed.
“I thought it was cute of you to write a song but seriously I thought you two were dating! I even told Ivana why didn’t she tell you. But she was being a sap about how she loved seeing you happy and how you would spend more time at her house because I was there. She was so obvious with her feelings and then you two would bicker like an old married couple” Min laughed.
“Why do you think you are better than this Luka person? If Ivana is truly dating her doesn’t it mean she’s over you? Maybe you should let her live her life. She clearly doesn’t need you now. You are still being selfish Till. I don’t like that you are trying to find my sister and you still can’t answer if you like her more than a friend” Soo spoke as she put her coffee down.
“Soo hun you don’t have to be mean to her. She is trying her best! But Soo is right, you still avoid the topic if you like her or not. If Ivana has moved on, which I seriously doubt, if Ivana asks for an answer, what will you tell her?” Min spoke as he tried to ease the tension.
Till began to fidget with her fingers and looked down at her tea. She saw her reflection and felt she wasn’t pretty enough to be next to her. Luka is beautiful with her pale complexion and long blonde hair. She is the picture perfect idol while Till really did dress like an underground artist.
But she can’t stand the idea of Ivana smiling fondly at Luka and the two of them kissing. She knows she isn’t homophobic as she sees Soo and Min kissing whenever she is third wheeling in their dates. So is she jealous? Is this what love is? It is nothing when she found out Min was dating Soo if anything a part of her knew and was happy for them. She never once thought she would be better than Soo.
“Earth to Till? Oh we lost her. Soo can’t you help her if not for their doomed love do it for me?” Min sighed as he slouched on his boyfriend making puppy eyes knowing how easy his boyfriend would fold so easily at the sight of it.
“Fine I’ll pass you the recording but under one condition” Soo spoke as he got his phone out.
“Anything! I’ll do anything” Till spoke enthusiastically.
“If you see Ivana truly happy with that Luka girl, promise me you will leave them alone. I don’t want you stringing her if you haven’t figured out your feelings” Soo spoke in a serious tone and with a deadpan face.
Till bit her lower lip and felt the air knocked out of her chest. If Ivana really chose someone else other than her can she really be okay with that?
Till didn’t say anything but nodded as she met Soo’s stare and that was how she received a copy of Ivana’s song.
As she analyzed the song she began to hate herself. Ivana was staring at the crowd but when she was nearing the end of her song she pointed to the crowd as her face slightly faltered showing her tearing up and clearly choked up.
Till hates herself and wishes she could go back and turn in that instance to chase after Ivana.
As she began to adjust the notes to fit her vocal range she received a text message from an unknown number.
Unknown: :) [1 attachment]
She was going to dismiss it but she noticed they sent a picture.
As she opened it she saw Ivana in an oversized shirt curled up on what seems to be on a girl’s chest. She felt herself seethe with rage and threw her phone against her studio wall.
She practiced all night until her fingers began to bleed. That is how she spent her days constantly rehearsing and making sure her notes were perfect. As she checked her phone she noticed she had missed messages from Soo and Min checking up on her. She eliminated the messages showing her wallpaper of Ivana and Till in middle school as they linked arms celebrating their last year in middle school.
—
It was the final day and she got her makeup and hair done. She made sure she looked presentable and Min was kind enough to pick an outfit to ensure that Ivana’s jaw would be on the floor. Soo wasn’t particularly a fan of her and Ivana getting together but she did wish her luck.
She looked at herself in the mirror as she noticed the heavy mascara and dark red eyeshadow. Her outfit consisted of a short black skirt, leather knee length heeled boots, and a red shirt. She was totally out of her element as she usually wore ripped jeans, messy hair, and an old worn shirt. Her raggedy hair was cut into a neater wolfcut showing her plethora of ear piercings.
“At least you look better” That damned voice spoke. “Let’s hope you play half as good as you look”
Till gritted her teeth and quickly turned but was struck by the blonde’s beauty once more. Her blonde hair was curled framing her face perfectly, she had light makeup applied to enhance her natural beauty, and she wore white dress with platform dress shoes.
As Till was going to reply, the one she waited all these years appeared. She looked even more beautiful than she remembered. Her hair was straight but oh she had bangs now, her lips were slightly pink, one new feature was a romper showing off her curves. Till felt her mouth go dry as she was ogling her friend.
“Oh uhm hi Till” Ivana spoke as she bowed respectfully and offered a smile.”I’m happy you accepted our company’s invitation. I hadn’t known until this morning! I am happy you continued to pursue music”
Ivana sounded so polite it pissed Till off. She was clearly treating Till as if she were just any other special guest rather than as a childhood best friend.
“Why do you sound like that?” Till spoke rather harshly and felt she made a horrible mistake as she saw the polite smile fall off of Ivana’s face.
“Oh sorry” Ivana replied as she avoided her gaze. Till bit her tongue wishing she had shut up and thought longer before she spoke. She saw Luka grin as she laced her fingers with Ivana.
“Come on Ivana we have to retouch your makeup!” Luka spoke as she placed her free hand on Ivana’s cheek.
“I think your lip liner needs to be redone” Luka spoke as she grazed her thumb over Ivana’s lips.
Till was enraged as she wanted to ask how dare she think she can touch Ivana like that. Why was Ivana allowing it?
Ivana nodded and bowed slightly as she walked out hand in hand with Luka.
Till pulled on her hair as she felt herself losing any possible way of getting Ivana to choose her over the other. She was fighting a losing battle but she couldn't give up. Call her pathetic but she needs to see this night through and find a way to talk to Ivana without the blonde ramping her up.
Soo’s voice rang in her head.
“If she seems happier with Luka, promise you will leave them alone”
‘I’m sorry’ she muttered to the empty room and began to search for Ivana’s dressing room.
Once she found it she barged in and saw Ivana retouching her makeup without the other in sight.
“Oh Till. If you are looking for Luka she was called by our manager for a quick conversation” She spoke as she glanced at Till before focusing on retouching her lip liner.
“I wanted to talk to you actually” Till spoke as she approached Ivana and pulled a chair to sit beside her as she watched Ivana closely. Her lashes were so long and her lips were so plump. She really was attractive, no wonder she was plastered in every makeup store.
Ivana set her pencil down and faced Till with a poker face expression. She placed her hands in her lap as she stared at her. Till felt fear strike her heart at seeing a cold stare not remembering when was the last time Ivana ever looked at her like that.
“Ivana I missed you” Till began to speak as she looked at her searching for any hint of emotion. Ivana couldn’t hide from her, she's her friend she can still read her better than anyone else she’s sure of it.
“Is that all?” Ivana replied as she crossed her arms below her chest. Till never predicted this to happen. She thought Ivana would be ecstatic to see her and hoped that it would be a happy reunion. Did she ruin the moment earlier?
“Uhm no actually I have a lot to say but do you have time? I know we are set to perform in a few minutes after the soundcheck. I can’t say everything I’ve thought about saying to you these past five years in under a few minutes” Till spoke as she fiddled with her hands.
“I’m not sure, honestly I think after performing we are going to do a quick q&a and celebrate our debut with our company tonight. But maybe you could come back to my room after the q&a session? If Luka doesn’t need me of course” Ivana spoke honestly as she sighed and Till noticed how Ivana is clearly putting a wall between them.
“That’s fine but can you please listen to my song? It’s dedicated to you like a tribute” Till said as she reached out to Ivana and placed a hand over hers. Her skin was so smooth Till thought to herself.
Ivana’s rigid face fell into a small smile and Till saw a sliver of hope. Ivana nodded and before she could continue the conversation Luka arrived ushering Ivana to get out as the soundcheck was done and everyone was getting ready. Luka quickly glanced at Till’s hand on top of Ivana’s. Ivana quickly got up and wished Till goodluck as she walked out with Luka.
Till steadied her breath and promised she would pour her heart out hoping to soften Ivana’s heart. As she made way to the stage she held her guitar tightly. The curtains opened to show a sea of people. Till walked towards the mic and waved to everyone.
“Thank you everyone! I am so happy to be able to be the opener for tonight’s new group. For those who do not know me I am known as the “Queen of Romantic Rock” but my name is Unknown. As my fans know I started out my music career in hopes to reach my childhood best friend where they may be. Tonight I have prepared a special song I hold dear to my heart. It is a rendition of a song that I wish I could have sung alongside this person. I hope you all enjoy it as this is a special song to me and I hope I serve this song justice” Till spoke as the roar of people responded to her opening statement and she steadied her breath.
As Till began to sing Black Sorrow she noticed the crowd being quiet as she sang softly hoping to match the fondness in Ivana’s voice. The crowd waved their lightsticks in tune with the song. As the song neared its end Till envisioned the video of where Ivana looked crestfallen before Till could stop her emotions from spilling as the final chord was pulled she whispered into the mic
“I love you”
Till felt her heats flush as she heard her words echo in her ears. She bowed politely as the crowd applauded her performance and made way for the spokesperson to introduce the duo artists. She searched for Ivana and noticed she wasn’t nowhere to be found.
As she searched backstage she noticed Ivana and Luka holding hands as they pressed their foreheads together as if they were in a trance. She noticed they weren’t wearing their ear pieces and were too close for her comfort.
She wanted to barge and separate them but she knew how her emotions ruined her first impression with Ivana.
Was Ivana nervous? Of course she was! Till was stupid for not noticing sooner. Ivana was easily shaken up with her comment earlier. Ivana was clearly on edge. She's pretty sentimental when she’s anxious, usually becoming quiet and reserved.
As the two began to walk out Till pulled Ivana and hugged her. Right now she doesn’t need to overthink about expressing herself to Ivana, she needs to be there for her. Her big moment was finally happening.
“Knock them dead Ivana” Till smiled and for once Ivana smiled at her back and squeezed her hand as she walked onto the stage.
Her vocals were amazing as ever. If she thought her vocals in highschool were amazing it does not compare to the vocal range Ivana has now. Clearly she has practiced hard and danced beautifully. Till felt a sense of pride seeing her perform and she was truly happy with Ivana’s success. She continued to watch Ivana and patiently waited for their Q&A session to end. She was in awe of hearing Ivana’s voice so alluring. Her beauty, her vocals, and her personality was so divine. She was meant for this!
“What did you think of the opening act?” A person spoke and Ivana smiled as she gestured for them to elaborate.
“Till the artist said how their song was a rendition to someone they wished they sang with! It was a different tune than her typical music if anything a bit more mellow” The spokesperson explained and as they noticed Ivana and Luka’s confusion.
“Apologies Ivana and I may have missed it since we were preoccupied with handling our nerves performing on stage” Luka spoke eloquently earning an “Awh” from the audience.
The spokesperson played a snippet of the live performance of the song. Till felt a bit shy hearing her voice but she noticed the way Ivana’s eyes teared up. Everyone seemed shocked and the crowd said another “AWW Don’t Cry!” Luka placed her hand on the back of Ivana and rubbed her back to sooth her.
Till felt her feet carry her towards Ivana and she knew she shouldn’t have opened the curtains. She should have let Luka comfort her but she couldn’t handle seeing her friend crying.
Ivana looked up to see Till before Till hugged her. She whispered “I’m sorry” to Ivana’s ear. People cheered for the scene unfolding before them.
Ivana hugged her tightly as she allowed herself to cry on Till’s shoulder. Seeing Ivana was shaken up by the performance, the staff and Luka apologized for ending the Q&A session quickly but everyone chanted Ivana’s name as they walked backstage.
As they headed to Ivana’s dressing room Luka pulled Till to the side.
“You have fifteen minutes before we have to get to our company’s car” Luka spoke, pushing Till into the dressing room with Ivana and closing the door.
Till was sure to text her a thank you. She noticed Ivana beginning to take her performance clothes off and Till turned around gathering her courage to speak.
“Ivana” Till spoke testing out to hear if Ivana’s wanting to talk right now.
“Yes Till I’m listening. You can face me there’s nothing you haven’t seen before. Remember how we would share baths when we had sleepovers sometimes?” Ivana spoke softly as the rustling of clothes was heard.
“It’s different now” Till spoke as she refused to turn around until the rustling of clothes stopped.
“Different how?” Ivana spoke as she was pulling her turtleneck over her head. Seeing the back of Till’s figure.
“You’ve changed” Till spoke as she sighed loudly and turned around to see Ivana wearing the turtleneck and in her underwear. Her thighs looked so smooth she was so jealous of how naturally she developed curves within the last year. Her skinny waist, her slender legs and oh her chest is bigger.
“Eyes up here Till” Ivana laughed as she saw the way Till turned bright red as she turned around.
“Sorry” Till muttered “Let me know when you finished changing please”
Ivana hummed a reply as she put on her jeans and began to place socks over her feet.
“I’m done but how did I change?” Ivana spoke as she watched the girl turn and walk her way towards her, noticing the way her first love looked just as attractive as she could remember. She hasn’t changed and Ivana smiled softly at the thought.
“First, your vocals are really good. I'm jealous of your vocal training. Second, you look so beautiful. I mean I always thought you were pretty but you just…look what I would expect an idol to look like. In a good way!” Till spoke as she felt herself more drawn to her.
“Thank you but Till please don’t beat around the bush. Why did you sing that song? Do you know the meaning? Or why did I sing it?” Ivana spoke as she reached out to hold Till’s hand.
“I do” Till responded as she squeezed her hand staring at the way they laced their fingers together. She felt Ivana get closer to her where they shared a gaze.
“Do you have an answer?” Ivana ushered as she looked slightly down at Till seeing the way the girl was slightly shorter than her she can see the rising blush across her face.
“I’m not homophobic” Till replied rather quickly earning a confused gaze from Ivana “Sorry I mean I hated the idea of you liking girls. The fact that you would possibly kiss another girl and love them I hated the idea of it. I did think it was because I was prejudiced but once Min explained the way he fell for Soo I never felt that way towards them. After meeting Luka and how she would boast about your relationship I was angry. Angry that you chose someone else. I felt that you didn’t keep your promise about waiting for me but I felt it wasn’t fair to you. I know my answer may be late but I love you Ivana” Till spoke as she glanced at Ivana and then her lips, those tempting lips of hers.
“Not like a friend. But I want you. I want to kiss you and be there for you when you have nightmares, share your achievements, and just be in your life. I know you have a girlfriend but I don’t mind being your best friend if that’s all I can get” Till whispered.
“Girlfriend?” Ivana spoke as she slightly stepped away with confusion written all over her face.
“Is Luka not your girlfriend?” Till spoke.
A laugh erupted and Ivana shook her head. “She is my roommate and my idol partner. We aren’t dating if anything she already is head over heels for someone back in her hometown too”
Oh. Oh!
“Then! Ivana will you be my girlfriend? I promise I will do anything I can to make you happy. You have been my muse for my music, my canvases, and even the way I breathe. I was foolish to not notice you sooner to not have thought about how I feel towards you. I truly think deep down I always had a thing for you” Till spoke and Ivana quickly pulled her in for a kiss and Till was more than happy to kiss her back.
“I would never love anyone else. It will always be you Till. I would love nothing more than to be your girlfriend” Ivana spoke as she placed a kiss against Till’s.
As they leaned in for a kiss Luka opened the door to announce their departure. Ivana kissed her girlfriend goodbye but Till insisted on sharing contact information and asked if she could join. Ivana glanced at Luka as she caved into the request and the two were inseparable that night. They shared drinks, reminisced old memories, and held hands underneath the table. Till walked Ivana to her shared room with Luka and quickly kissed her girlfriend goodbye.
Their music careers hit off after that fateful night and so did their relationship. Till continued writing love songs and would sometimes have Ivana feature on some. Of course when she told Min and Soo of their relationship status they were ecstatic. Where Soo apologized on being harsh but Till understood that he was being protective of Ivana. Their life was quiet for the first year but as their popularity increased paparazzi snapped countless pictures of Ivana and Till’s dates. The duo’s company paid for the photos to be taken down however a post of a person who attended their highschool was trending for days on twitter. How the song Till sang on their debut night was the same song Ivana sung during their last year in highschool. People began to delve into their past and were noticing the evidence that the two had a much longer history than what the public imagined.
It didn’t help that Till wrote specific features of Ivana in her earlier songs which accredited to the rumor of them dating. As the entertainment’s PR team was working overtime in dismissing the rumors the two were prevented from making public appearances to not fuel the fire.
But Ivana was tired of hiding stating she would rather give up her career as an idol and be an artist alongside Till and work any other job as long as she could love Till freely. As much as Till was touched by the thought she tried her best to rationalize with Ivana but that was down the drain when Ivana made a public announcement of their relationship and kissed Till during said announcement.
Thankfully their fanbase was rather accepting weeding out the homophobic ones and attracting a new audience. They were free to share the stage together and they were able to go on dates in public without fearing of them being outed. Of course Ivana’s company was furious but the boost in sales and support changed their mind as their music was quickly taking over other artists in the global charts.
Needless to say Till created a spare key to her new condo and in hopes of starting a new chapter of their lives as a couple. She hoped she could continue to show her undying love towards her future wife, her best friend, and her soulmate.