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STAGE 1: creation
If someone says that Rodney McKay doesn’t believe in anything, they’re wrong, since Rodney’s belief in the scientific process is absolute. Just as a religious person has a strong faith in a higher force called God, Rodney has solid faith in the stages of a scientific experiment. Stages that, one by one, reveal all the hidden secrets of the subject or subjects experimented on.
Each stage always starts with an action, almost certainly followed by a reaction and every single one is as important as the next. Each step necessary to complete the process and bring it to one of its possible natural conclusions, whether that conclusion is good or bad.
That’s how Rodney perceives the world around him. An endless succession of chemistry, physics and biological experiments. Everything begins, has a middle and eventually ends. Simple, clean and easy.
So, the first time he sees John Sheppard, slouched down in the ancient chair, features somewhat concerned, but eyes filled with excitement, he is consciously aware of a new beginning.
He experiences the thrill of a new chemical reaction he’s never known before. A reaction that will undoubtedly cause a cascade of subsequent stages. Each one linked to the other in some special way.
The players have been set and stage one has been completed.
So the experiment begins.
STAGE 2: exploration
It’s week three of their stay in Atlantis and already they have managed to piss off an entire race of life-force sucking aliens. Which is, in Rodney’s book, not a very good beginning. Atlantis itself is still largely undiscovered and Rodney suspects it might take years before they’ll have searched every nook and cranny. And knowing their luck, even then, the city will probably still not trust them enough to reveal all of its hidden wonders.
Well, besides wunderkind that is. It seems the city took an instant liking to John Sheppard and he’s allowed a lot more leeway then the rest of the exploration team. Something Rodney doesn’t appreciate too much. He’s still disgusted by the apparent ease with which the Major lit up the gateships -yes, he refuses to call them puddlejumpers just because some retard kid soldier thought it was a good idea- like a beacon in the night.
But even Rodney has to admit that the city is pretty awesome and he still wakes up with that feeling of complete and utter awe every morning, knowing that each day will bring new, exciting discoveries. It’s like a playground for scientists filled with ancient artefacts, waiting to be studied. Just thinking about it makes him feel kind of giddy.
Of course, that good mood only lasts until the moment he sets foot in the research lab, because that is the moment when the beauty of his expectations change into the inadequacy of idiots with a PHD from the university of imbeciles. He often wonders how some of his colleagues even made it through kindergarten.
So, every morning, he has taken to stopping by one of the balconies, before he goes to the lab. It’s his own way of taking a silent moment before insanity commences again. He’s always there at a very early hour. Early enough to not be disturbed by anyone. The silence bringing a solitude Rodney appreciates very much. So when a voice suddenly disturbs the stillness of the beautiful morning he is startled.
“McKay.”
Oh, excellent. His few minutes of peace and quiet just went up in thin air because John Sheppard decided to grace him with his unwelcome presence.
“Major,” he testily responds, “What are you doing here so early?”
“Well, I could ask you the same thing,” Sheppard says, shooting him a toothy grin.
Rodney quietly contemplates whether or not it would be acceptable to place his fist in the middle of the Major’s face and then throw him over the balcony. But he quickly backs down from that idea since he has a sneaky suspicion Atlantis wouldn’t take too kindly to Rodney getting rid off its beloved prodigy child. So he settles for grumbling and scowls at the man.
“So, you seem to be in a good mood today,” Sheppard says, voice laced with humour.
“No, actually I was in a good mood until you decided to ruin my moment of quiet contemplation.”
“Quiet contemplation? Huh? Who knew a genius like you, with a brain the size of a planet, would be in need of quiet contemplation,” Sheppard muses out loud.
“I’m most certainly in need of contemplation because I’m surrounded by morons day in day out and it’s starting to weigh on me. So, if you don’t mind Major, remove yourself and your puny little flyboy brain from this balcony and go pester someone else. Perhaps Kavanaugh? I’m sure he’d appreciate your presence since his brain works in the same way as yours does.”
“And how exactly does my brain work?”
“Slow, Major. Very very slow.”
“Ouch, that hurts McKay,” Sheppard says, clutching his chest in a dramatic gesture before walking over to the balcony rail.
“What are you doing?” Rodney splutters.
“Didn’t you just explain to me in great detail that you needed peace and quiet?” Sheppard asks.
“Yes,” Rodney hesitantly replies.
“So what’s with all the talking?” Sheppard says, casually leaning his arms on the rail.
“I asked you to leave,” McKay says, getting more annoyed by the second.
“No, actually you told me to leave from which point I decided to ignore you and watch the beautiful morning sky.”
“But—but—but--,” McKay starts, lost for words.
“What? No sarcastic reply? No witty retort? Seems even geniuses run out of words once in a while, McKay,” Sheppard says, grinning back at him.
And this is it. The last remnants of Rodney’s good mood goes up in smoke. Silently he turns around and starts stalking back inside.
“You know,” Sheppard says, the smooth tone of his voice bringing Rodney to a sudden stop and making him turn around again, “You could just stick around. I promise to not say anything idiotic.”
“Huh, as if you can stop it,” Rodney huffs.
“McKay, I’m trying to be nice here. Don’t push it,” Sheppard says, words clipped, gritting his teeth, “Just stay and I won’t talk.”
“What? First you disturb my morning ritual and now you want us to watch the pretty colours in the sky together? What’s next Major? Holding hands? Are we boyfriends now?” Rodney mocks.
“You know what? I give up!” Sheppard shouts out, “We’re going to be on a team together and I just thought that I could at least try to get along with you, but apparently I was wrong. So just go on and alienate everyone else in this city. See if I care,” he says and walks away.
Just as sudden as it had appeared, Rodney feels his anger disappear. Angry retorts are quickly swallowed because deep inside he knows the Major’s right. He is living in this city now. He’s a part of the community and he is going to have to get along with at least some of the people here. Otherwise he might be in for a very lonely journey.
Of course, he doesn’t go as far as to admit out loud that Sheppard’s right. Principle and all. But something makes him call out to the Major anyway.
“You promise to be quiet?” he asks.
Sheppard stops mid-step, but doesn’t turn back right away, contemplating whether or not to reply. Then his rigid stance loosens up as he swivels back towards Rodney.
“Yes,” he says.
“Well, then I suppose it can’t hurt for you to stay here and watch the sky with me,” Rodney finally concedes, gesturing nervously with his hands.
A lopsided grin appears on Sheppard’s face and Rodney feels kind of funny knowing he put it there.
“Okay,” Sheppard says as he moves back to the balcony rail.
After another moment Rodney joins him at the rail and together they silently stare out over the ocean. For the first time since his arrival Rodney thinks that maybe not all of the Atlanteans are idiots by default.
“So McKay, are we boyfriends now? Want to hold my hand?”
Or maybe they are.
STAGE 3: contemplation
Rodney knew something was wrong the moment they set foot on the pink planet. His gut feeling proved to be right when, two hours later, he finds himself running for his life from huge pissed off men dressed in pink dresses.
He’s right behind the Major, doing his very best to keep up with him without stumbling over the salmon pink roots of the huge purple trees that seem to grow all over the planet. He still isn’t used to this. The yelling, the running, the constant fear for your life.
It’s at moments like these that he fervently wishes that he never set foot on the Antarctica base. His life would have been so much simpler if he had never heard of the Stargate leading to the Pegasus Galaxy. He never told anyone about this feeling of inadequacy and to be frank, he’d rather drop dead first than to see the look in the Major’s eyes if he were to admit to this weakness. Which is kind of funny, because dropping dead is something that might still happen today. That last thought makes him run a little faster. He might be scared out of his mind, but that doesn’t mean he’s ready to just roll over and give up.
Teyla and Ford just passed him. Everyone’s in front of him now and they keep running at the same pace. He tries to keep up. He really does, but his steps start to falter. So when he suddenly finds himself sprawled on the ground after bodily contact with a huge pink rock, he knows he’s done for.
The others will just keep on running. They won’t stop for another few miles and then it will be too late. They’ll stop and turn around, only to discover that he isn’t there anymore. They’ll briefly discuss it and they’ll decide to not turn back. Not for him anyway. Story of his life. He is just annoying, cranky McKay who does nothing but whine and complain all the time. They’ll probably think that they’re better off without him. No more stupid scientist that keeps getting in the way and who seems to have a special talent to piss of the natives of pink planets.
Which is, when you think about it, just plain stupid. They were enormous giants dressed in pink tutu’s for God’s sake. Of course he mocked and ridiculed them. Honestly, what did they expect?
Lying there between the pink roots, his right leg throbbing, he’s so utterly convinced that he’s going to die alone that he almost has a heart attack when the Major suddenly appears in his line of sight, eyes worried.
“Rodney, are you okay?” he asks.
“Yes, of course Major. I just decided to take a quick nap since I was tired of running for my life,” Rodney retorts sarcastically, “Of course I’m not okay!”
“Well, nothing seems to be wrong with your voice,” Sheppard snaps back, “We need to get moving. They’re catching up.”
“Don’t you think I would move if I could? I hit that pink rock in full run and now I can’t move my right leg,” he explains, vaguely gesturing towards the rock.
Gentle hands are suddenly all over his leg, prodding and touching, making Rodney gasp with pain.
“Damn,” Sheppard whispers.
“What?”
“I think it’s broken.”
“Oh, great, just what I needed. What now? Are you going to leave me? Because if you do I swear I’ll haunt you forever.”
“Relax McKay, I’m not leaving you,” Sheppard replies exasperated, “I’ll give you a dose of morphine against the pain and then I’ll help you up. You can lean on me. The Stargate isn’t that far anymore and I sent Ford and Teyla up ahead to start it up.”
After that, Rodney just goes with the flow, experiencing everything through a hazy drugged-out veil. It’s all just a wild jumble of pain, flying arrows, guns going off, the Stargate starting up and finally Atlantis, where he blissfully fai-- passes out.
When he wakes up in the infirmary a few hours later, still heavily drugged and without any pain, he is surprised to see the Major sitting next to his bed, reading a book.
“Why?” he manages to bring out with a raspy voice.
At that Sheppard looks up from his book and shoots him a big grin, “Hey, sleeping beauty is awake. Welcome back to Atlantis, the city of endless fun.”
Rodney ignores the joke and presses on.
“Why?” he repeats.
“Why what?” the Major asks, quirking his eyebrows and giving him a puzzled look.
“Why did you come back for me? You could have been killed.”
“Well, despite what you may think of me and my puny little flyboy brain, I do have a sense of honour and duty, McKay. I never leave someone behind.”
“Not even me?”
“No, not even annoying scientists who never know when to stop asking questions and to just be grateful,” he answers, voice laced with amusement.
And Rodney can’t help but feel disappointed. Of course, he should have known that a soldier’s warped sense of duty would prohibit him to leave anyone behind. Even if it meant putting themselves in harm’s way. Funny how common sense is just put aside for some silly code of honour.
By the time he gives up on this line of thought, he looks up to see Sheppard gathering his book and getting ready to leave. He shoots Rodney one more smile, before turning around and walking away. And then, just as Rodney is about to resign to the fact that he’ll probably never understand the inner workings of the Major, Sheppard pops his head back into the room.
“Hey Rodney,” he says.
Confused, Rodney stares back at him.
“Yeah?” he wearily asks.
“It wasn’t just sense of duty, you know? What kind of man would I be if I were to leave a good friend behind?” he says.
And then, just like that, he’s gone again, leaving Rodney shell-shocked. Good friend? This is a new concept. Rodney’s never had a good friend. He’s had friends, sure, but never a good friend. It’s kind of hard to have good friends when the people you grow up with and study or work with are all either years older, jealous or plain angry because some geeky kid beats their IQ by a mile.
“Good friend,” he repeats out loud, tasting the words on his tongue.
Well what do you know? Turns out that Rodney likes being a good friend to someone. Turns out he likes it a whole lot.
And this is a good thing, right?
STAGE 4: revelation
Rodney’s not sure that sitting by the Major’s bed is going to accomplish anything, but he owes it to the man to at least try.
Yes, the booby trap had been hidden carefully, but Rodney had also been careless. Being a genius sometimes makes him think that he knows everything and it tends to make him overconfident.
Especially when things almost seem too simple to figure out. Only this time he miscalculated. The booby trap triggered itself before Rodney could do anything about it.
So now, two days later, he’s sitting next to John Sheppard’s sick bed, possibly his soon-to-be death bed, if he has to believe Carson anyway. And Carson has been right many times before, but he chooses not to think of that.
John fell into a deep coma the moment the red beam hit him square in the head. He hasn’t regained consciousness since.
So, here he is, alternately staring and reading War and Peace to the Major, willing him to wake up. Consciously aware that he might never hear that melodious voice again or see that lopsided smile. No more bad jokes directed at his person. No more beautiful hazel eyes quietly studying him, as if Rodney is some kind of enigma, when John thinks Rodney isn’t paying attention to the world around him. But what he doesn’t know is that Rodney does pay attention. Especially when it comes to John.
There might be no more John to set him straight whenever he starts feeling too cocky and sure of himself. No one to be his good friend.
Suddenly, as in an epiphany, the truth hits him hard and Rodney wonders when exactly the Major or Sheppard became John to him. He realises that his feelings for his friend have turned into something beyond friendship. Something that’s always been there, but that he’s not quite ready to admit to yet.
So, he does the only thing he can do. He focuses his attention back on the book and starts reading again.
And he just knows it’s going to be another long, restless night.
STAGE 5: agitation
Rodney is stalking through the corridors, muttering profanities at anyone who even dares to look at him. He is pissed. No, he is beyond pissed. So when he finally reaches John’s quarters, he just walks in without asking.
“Are you insane, Major?” he immediately starts, facing a startled Sheppard, who -if the towel around his hips was anything to go by- had just exited the shower, “Or do you maybe have a fervent death wish?”
“McKay,” John warns, pulling himself together again.
“No no, don’t you McKay me, Major! ‘Cause I’ve had it up to here with you,” Rodney practically yells out, frantically moving his hands above his head, “You actually thought that flying into a hive ship with a nuke strapped on your back was a good idea?”
“I did,” John answers, his visible anger fading fast as he slowly sinks down on the bed.
“Why the hell did you do it? I was this close to finding a better solution. One that didn’t involve you being blown to smithereens,” Rodney whispers with a hoarse voice, fingers emphasising just how close he had been to the solution.
“I did it because a few seconds more could have made the difference between winning or losing. A few moments longer and it could have been too late for Atlantis. So I just went for it,” Sheppard sighs, wearily rubbing his forehead, “I thought I could save you— all of you.”
“You decided to put our lives in front of yours,” Rodney whispers.
“Yes.”
“That proves it,” Rodney says, voice stronger now.
“Proves what?”
“That my initial thought of being surrounded by idiots is right. Because you, Major, are the biggest one of them all.”
“Rodney--,” Sheppard starts.
“No John. What the hell makes you think that our lives are more important than yours?”
“Oh come on Rodney!” John shouts, “Don’t be stupid. I’m just one guy and--,” he trails off.
But Rodney doesn’t back off. If anything, he becomes more angry.
“And that makes it all right? You could have died up there!” he yells back, walking in circles around the room.
“I know.”
“You know?” Rodney incredulously repeats, still moving around, “What kind of a stupid answer is that anyway? You know! Ha, big deal. Yay! Three cheers for Major John Sheppard who apparently knew that he was going to die a heroic death up in space.”
Pausing for a moment to take a deep breath, Rodney finally stops moving, turns around and glances over to John. John, who is dejectedly sitting on the bed, towel dangerously low on his hips, skin still glistening with water drops from the shower he took. And the sight steals Rodney’s breath away.
“But you know what else, Major?” he quietly adds, his face taking on a forlorn expression, “If you had died up there, you would have left us behind. And what the hell would I-- we have done if you hadn’t come back?”
“Rodney,” John says with a slight tremble in his voice.
“I mean-- Jesus, John. Did you actually think of that? Huh?”
“Actually, it was all I could think about,” John quietly admits, his gaze transfixed on his hands resting on his lap.
“Well, you’ve got a strange way of showing it,” Rodney answers, a chuckle escaping him, “Seriously John, what were you thinking?”
“Rodney--”
And then, just like that, John is no longer sitting on the bed. But he’s standing right in front of Rodney. Shuffling further until he’s standing impossibly close. Before he knows it, Rodney’s face is cradled in two warm hands and John rests his forehead against his.
“I’m sorry Rodney. I’m so sorry,” he says, his breath caressing Rodney’s face.
“Well, you should. I mean--”
And then he stops talking all together because he suddenly finds him mouth preoccupied with more pleasant things. It takes a while for his brain to understand what’s going on, but when he finally realises the full truth his chest expands up until the point where he feels it’s going to explode.
John Sheppard, wunderkind, flyboy and -once in a while- idiot savant, is currently licking his way into Rodney’s mouth. And he’s okay with this. Oh, is he ever.
STAGE 6: conversation
It’s 3 am when Rodney wakes up, sensing that something is wrong. John is snuggled up against his back, his arm slung over Rodney’s waist and his nose buried in the nape of Rodney’s neck. He’s completely still, but Rodney knows that he isn’t asleep. Because he has been sleeping with John for almost a year now and he’s learned that the man has the strangest sleeping patterns. Sleeping patterns that sometimes leave him wide awake in the middle of the night.
Rodney addressed him about his sleeping problems once, and suggested he get some professional help from Carson. But John just said he didn’t mind it too much, especially if he got to study Rodney in his sleep. After that confession, Rodney never mentioned it again, since he secretly liked the idea of John watching over him while he was sleeping.
But right now he could almost hear John thinking and that never promised anything good.
“All right, out with it. What’s wrong?” he sighs.
“You’re awake?” John says.
“Well of course, you were sighing and thinking so loud that you woke me up. So talk already. The sooner we get to the heart of the problem, the quicker we can get some more sleep. This genius brain of mine doesn’t work properly without enough rest you know.”
“Oh please, I’ve known you to work 72 hours and more without any sleep,” John counters.
“Yes, well that was before we started having all the great sex that wears me out,” Rodney says, “So, start talking.”
“Fine. I think we should tell Elizabeth.”
“No.”
“Rodney,” John starts.
“No John, I will not let you screw up your career for me.”
“It’s only Elizabeth. She can keep a secret.”
“Oh yes, I think we’ve all seen how well secrets are kept on Atlantis. John, have you forgotten the whole mess with Ronon, Teyla and Carson? Those rumours went around the city for weeks and they nearly destroyed our friendship with the Athosians.”
“No, of course I haven’t forgotten. I’m just tired of hiding this, you know? I wish I could tell people how I feel about you.”
“Oh, nice try Major. But I’m not falling for the mushy stuff. You know as well as I do that if the military finds out it could create a lot of problems. I mean, what if they find out and make you leave? What then?”
“I’m just tired of sneaking around Rodney,” John tiredly answers.
“And you think I’m not?” Rodney asks, not really expecting a reply.
He stares out into the darkness of the room. He knows John has a point, because the sneaking around might have been fun and exciting in the beginning, but these days it was just a burden on their relationship. It hurts to never be able to be openly affectionate towards each other. But Rodney doesn’t see how telling Elizabeth will change anything substantial.
“It’s just that--I feel like if someone knows about us, it’ll make us more real,” John finally admits
And how can he say no to that?
“This is really important to you, isn’t it?” Rodney asks.
“Yes, it is.”
“Fine, we’ll go to Elizabeth in the morning,” Rodney concedes, “But don’t blame me if it eventually turns out badly.”
John places a tender kiss on Rodney’s shoulder, before bringing his lips closer to his ear.
“Thank you,” he whispers.
And Rodney knows he did the right thing.
STAGE 7: declaration
“I know,” Carson says.
“What do you mean, you know?” Rodney replies.
“I-- well, all of us,” he says, pointing at himself, Ronon, Teyla and Elizabeth, “We know.”
“How?” John incredulously interferes, before glaring accusingly at Elizabeth, who immediately throws up her arms in defence.
“Oh no, you’re not blaming this one on me John,” she says, “ I told you that I wouldn’t tell your secret to anyone unless they specifically asked me about it, which they did.”
“They did?” Rodney asks.
“Yes, lad, we did,” Carson replies.
“Doctor Beckett is correct. We are your friends and we had sensed a change in your relationship, so we decided to ask Doctor Weir about it,” Teyla says with Ronon standing right next to her, nodding approvingly of her explanation, “Do not be afraid. We will guard your secret well for we all think it’s a joyous occasion and we wish you all the happiness,” she concludes.
“Well, that’s great. Everything’s okay then,” John says, glancing over at Rodney, “Right Rodney?”
“Yes. Perfectly completely gigantically and other words ending in -ly okay,” he says before looking back at John, “John?”
“Yeah?”
“Did we by any chance touch a quantum mirror on some distant planet?”
“No.”
“Okay, just checking.”
STAGE 8: extermination
“Rodney, drop the gun!” the soldier shouts.
“No, why should I?” Rodney replies, voice filled with anger, “I don’t know you.”
Rodney’s standing in the middle of one of the Atlantis corridors, gun in his hands, the soldier slowly stalking up to him in plain sight. He’s holding his own gun close by, but it’s not pointed at him.
“Rodney, listen to me. Remember M8C-263?,” the soldier asks, “No, of course you don’t remember. Uhm-- Listen, you caught some kind of strange virus there and now it’s making you act like someone else. Blowing up your lab? Threatening to kill Elizabeth? Hitting Carson? It’s not you Rodney. You don’t do things like that. It’s the virus. It makes you violent and irrational. It makes you forget about your past. It makes you forget about us.”
“Why should I believe you?” Rodney hesitantly asks.
“Because I’m your friend, Rodney. My name is John Sheppard and I’m your friend. You have to believe me about that,” the soldier pleads, “Let me help you,” he adds as he steps closer.
“No, don’t come any closer,” Rodney yells, bringing up the gun and pointing it at the man. At the same time the soldier brings up his gun and points it at Rodney.
“Rodney, oh God, please don’t make me shoot you,” he whispers.
“If you truly were my friend, Sheppard, you wouldn’t be standing here, threatening to shoot me. You lied to me and now it’s time to say bye bye,” Rodney says, gripping the gun a little firmer and aiming straight between the soldier’s eyes.
“No! Rodney! Don’t do this! Damnit, listen to me! Rodney, please--,” the man trails off, slowly lowering his gun, “I won’t shoot you. I won’t.”
“Well, that just proves it. You’re a stupid idiot after all,” Rodney says, smiling a condescending grin.
A loud shot echoes through the Atlantis corridors and then all is quiet again.
STAGE 9: justification
If you had asked Rodney before what he thought about the concept of truth, he would have said that all truth is relative, because one single experiment can have so many different outcomes. Infinite outcomes are possible, each one a reaction to a change in one of the stages.
If you ask him today, he knows at least one truth to be absolute.
He killed John Sheppard.
Gone was his team-mate. Gone was his good friend. Gone was the man he had come to depend on. The one who firmly brought him back from the clouds whenever he lost his footing and contact with the real world.
It’s early in the morning and, once again, he’s standing on his favourite balcony, looking out over the vast ocean, admiring the swirls of soft pastels painted across the sky. Fondly he remembers the first time John really talked to him, all those years ago, on this same balcony.
Thinking of John inevitably leads him to think about that last fateful moment. A part of him wishes that he could have just forgotten. But the moment he woke up in the infirmary, free of the virus, he had remembered everything. For the first few days Carson doped him up because his mind was constantly flooded with memories of himself killing the one person he ever really loved.
These days, Rodney doesn’t sleep anymore. Every time he closes his eyes, it all comes back to him. He remembers how John lowered his gun, because he refused to shoot Rodney. He remembers how John pleaded with him, trying to convince him to put down the gun. But instead Rodney had pulled the trigger. One bullet was propelled from the chamber of the gun. And it seemed all those years of target practice paid off. One clean shot and John was no more.
One stupid little bullet is all it really takes. So, with trembling hands, Rodney slides the gun that he stole in the armoury from between the waistband of his pants and places it against his temple. Never taking his eyes off the colours in the sky.
“I’m sorry John,” he whispers with a choked up voice, “I know I’m taking the easy way out and that you’ll probably hate me for this, but I can’t live like this anymore. Forgive me.”
And then he pulls the trigger.
STAGE 10: lamentation
Flatline.