Chapter Text
The sun casts a warm glow over the kitchen as Elizabeth whisks the pancake batter. Nerissa, beside her, acted as if Elizabeth didn’t notice each time she’d take a little sip of the chocolate syrup whenever she wasn’t watching, though her cheeky giggle would tell on her each time. It isn’t as if Elizabeth was about to stop her, the joy Nerissa brings to mundane tasks are some of the things she cherishes the most about their dynamic. And one of the many reasons Elizabeth loves her so much.
The tippy-tappy of small feet down the corridor makes the two of them aware of who’s coming through the door, which is flung open by equally tiny hands.
“I want a little sister!”
Elizabeth turns to see her five year old daughter, Elissa, standing under the doorway. Her round face and big eyes are full of innocence and curiosity. The request hung in the air for a few seconds of utter silence, until Elizabeth glanced at a grinning Nerissa.
Her wife’s eyes twinkled with amusement as she crouched down to Elissa’s level. “A little sister, huh? That’s quite the request, darling.”
Elizabeth felt a rush of emotions. Surprise, amusement, a tinge of embarrassment, and a touch of apprehension. Her eyes linger on Nerissa, who gives her a reassuring smile. Both of them had decided they’d try for a second once Elissa graduated diapers, but they never got around discussing it again. Elizabeth huffs with resignation once both her wife and daughter start giving her the puppy eye treatment.
“We’ll see what we can do, sweetheart,” Elizabeth replies, feigning nonchalance, already predicting the kind of face Nerissa would make a moment after. “But for now, how about we focus on breakfast? Without eating the toppings and sauce this time?”
Nerissa pouts, but Elissa’s face lit up with a smile. The little one scampered over to join her mothers at the counter, not before dragging her stool out of the corner to actually be in height to help out. Her curiosity about a sibling was completely replaced by the joy of making breakfast together, it seems.
It’s such a mundane morning, but significant in the idea Elissa brings to the table. Nerissa is glancing at her, and when Elizabeth looks back, she has such a precious smile on her face that she cannot not reflect with one of her own.
.
As the months turned into a year, the morning light continued to bathe their kitchen, but the brightness seemed to have lost a bit of its warmth. Each failed attempt left an unspoken weight in the air, an invisible burden that Nerissa carried heavily on her shoulders.
Elizabeth watched the once perpetually goofy and mischievous soul of her wife wane, replaced by moments of silence and fleeting sadness. Not wanting to be a source of worry, she wore a veil of forced smiles and laughter to hide her melancholy from others, but Elizabeth could see through it. It broke her heart each time. But there’s not much else she could do.
Every evening, they would get Elissa to bed. And every single one of them, Nerissa would linger a moment longer by her bedside, eyes filled with longing that Elizabeth understood all too well. The dream of a second child was slipping through their fingers, and no amount of support could entirely soothe the ache in her wife’s heart.
Elizabeth herself also struggled with her own disappointment, but still remained by Nerissa’s side, always being steadfast to provide support if needed. She’d wrap up her arms around her during those late nights when Nerissa’s quiet sobs filled the air, whispering soft words of encouragement or sweet nothings to her ear, reminding Nerissa of the family they already had.
One such night, while there was a storm going outside, Nerissa lets her guard down for what felt like the first time in forever, collapsing into Elizabeth’s arms in a flood of tears.
“I just wanted another baby,” she’d whisper, voice thin and frail.
Elizabeth’s lungs fill with air, trying to keep a hold of herself because of the sheer pain she experiences from the hurt in the voice of the love of her life. With tears stinging her eyes, Elizabeth held her tight, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “I know, my love.”
“I feel like I’m failing as a mother, Liz,” she hiccups. “And Elissa…”
“Elissa loves you, Nerissa, she already has everything she needs in you.” Her words are firm, yet filled with the softness that only years of loving someone could bring. Nerissa tightens her grip on Elizabeth, and shyly nods against her chest. Even though it didn’t feel reassuring in the slightest, it felt positive. At least a little.
Two weeks after, Nerissa bursts into Elizabeth’s home office, her excitement was palpable. Elissa, now a six year old, was practically bouncing off walls with glee. Elizabeth looked up from her paperwork to see her two favorite people, their faces lit with joy. Elizabeth doesn’t even get a chance to speak when Nerissa comes over to show her the little stick on her hands.
A pregnancy test. It’s positive.
Elizabeth’s heart swelled with happiness, her flame shining brighter than ever before. She rushes from her seat, picking up both Nerissa and Elissa on a tight hug. Both of their laughs are so contagious, truly like mother and daughter. It was a moment of pure, unfiltered joy. The dream they were almost giving up on was now within reach again.
But the joy was short-lived.
The next day, Fauna, the woman that had aided with Elissa’s pregnancy and birth, a close friend and the embodiment of Nature herself, arrived at their home for a doctor’s visit. Her presence was as calming as the rustle of leaves, but her eyes carried a hint of sorrow after feeling Nerissa’s stomach. Once she’s done with the check up, Elizabeth brings a drink for everyone. Elissa was sent to her room.
“There’s some… complications, with the baby,” Fauna said, her words carefully measured. “We will need to take special precautions to prevent some issues that might come up.”
Elizabeth’s heart sank. The joy from the previous day now felt distant, almost like a dream she was waking up from. She glanced at Nerissa, who was still reeling from the news. Her distress was evident.
Elizabeth puts on a brave face, taking a deep breath as she reaches for her wife’s hand, squeezing her reassuringly. “We’ll do anything it takes,” she says firmly, through the worry that gnaws at her. She looked at Fauna, who smiled gently at her. They’ve gone through enough disappointment, and she wasn’t about to give up yet. “What can we do?”
Fauna’s eyes shifted with wisdom carried by ages, planning out the strategy for the road ahead.
.
The first trimester of the pregnancy unfolded in a familiar pattern. Similarly to when she had been pregnant with Elissa, the first few months were marked with recurrent morning sickness and sensitivity to almost all smells. So far, everything had been okay, though both Elizabeth and Elissa were vigilant, ensuring Nerissa had as much comfort and rest as possible. Elizabeth would often see Elissa tiptoeing around the house, her little hands eager to help with anything in order to ease her Mama’s burden.
One afternoon, while Elizabeth prepared lunch, she watched over her two girls huddled together on the couch. Elissa had her head on Nerissa’s lap, with her wife combing through their daughter’s hair. Nerissa was in a particularly good mood that day.
“You know, Elissa,” Nerissa says with a chuckle, “you might have taken after me in looks, but everything else is exactly like your Mum.”
Elissa giggles, a sound that always warmed Elizabeth’s heart. “But I have your sense of humor, Mama,” she replied, her eyes sparkling with Nerissa’s mischief.
Nerissa laughed. “That’s true, the best of both worlds.”
Elizabeth paused in her cooking, walking over to join them on the couch sitting next to Nerissa with a kiss on her cheek. She doesn’t add much to the conversation, simply wanting to be with her family.
At the end of the second trimester, the sporadic bleeding began. Elizabeth’s stress levels reached its peak every time she saw the faintest trace of blood on Nerissa’s clothes or on the sheets of their bed. Her worry intensified, having called Fauna over more than a few times across the span of a month.
One day, Nerissa woke up feeling faint, unable to get out of bed. Fauna arrived promptly, her calming presence a much-needed balm for Elizabeth and Elissa’s distress. She spent a few hours with Nerissa in the master bedroom, conducting a thorough examination. Elizabeth waited outside, with Elissa asleep in her arms as they waited for Fauna’s report.
Her daughter’s weight was reassuring, and eventually the kirin came out of the room, quietly. She wore a solemn expression, masking it right away with a when she notices Elizabeth outside.
Fauna’s words were both a relief and a new burden. “Rissa must stay bedridden for the rest of the third term,” she explained gently, “but the baby is okay. With enough care and rest, we can ensure both mom and child make it through easily.”
Elizabeth’s heart raced, her flame small and flickering. She felt relief that the baby was okay, but distressed as she thought of what lays ahead. “Thank you, Fauna,” she said, her voice quiet and steady.
Fauna places a reassuring hand over the one Elizabeth had on Elissa’s back. “You’ll need to keep a close eye on her and make sure she doesn’t exert herself. If anything changes, call me immediately.”
With a last nod and a thank you, Fauna leaves. She was about to head to Elissa’s room and put her in bed, but she’s stopped by a little sob.
“Are Mama and the baby going to be okay?” Her daughter asks, her voice frail with sadness. Elizabeth’s blinks, her heart breaking as she hugs Elissa extra tight. “We did exactly what Fauna told us to do,” Elissa says, her small hands clutching around Elizabeth’s neck.
“I know, sweetheart,” Elizabeth says back. “You did everything right. But sometimes things don’t go as planned. It’s not your fault, okay?”
Elissa nodded, her face buried in her Mum’s shoulder. “But will Mama and the baby be okay?” she repeats.
Elizabeth wishes she could offer a definitive answer, but all she could do is hug her daughter helplessly, trying to offer the only reassurance she could. “They’re feeling a bit under the weather, but we’ll do everything we can to keep them safe, alright?”
“Okay,” Elissa replies.
And so, their routine shifted. Elizabeth took a leave for work to take on even more responsibilities around the house. Elissa would come to Nerissa’s side as soon as she came back from school, getting in bed with her and attending to her every need, bringing water and books and telling Nerissa silly stories to make sure her mother was comfortable. One time, Elizabeth found Elissa asleep on Nerissa’s lap, with Nerissa weakly flipping through pages of Elissa’s favorite book.
“She was reading for me and fell asleep,” Nerissa tells her, a sad look in her eyes.
.
The days stretched into weeks, and in the light of Nerissa’s seventh month, Elizabeth is awoken by Nerissa’s cries.
“Elizabeth! Elizabeth, help!”
Beside her, Elissa stirred awake in a panic. Elizabeth placed a hand on her daughter’s shoulder. “Stay here, Elissa. I’ll be right back.”
Elissa, clearly hyperventilating but trying to keep calm, nodded with glossed eyes.
When Elizabeth runs down the hallway, her pulse pounds in her ears. As she pushes open the bedroom door, the dim light from the hallway spilled into the room, casting long shadows on the walls.
Her eyes fell on the bed, and a cold dread seized her. The blankets, once pearly white, were stained by a deep, alarming red. Nerissa was in the center of it all, trying desperately to move further against the wall, her face contorted with fear and pain, her hands clenching the sheets in a desperate grip as she hastily breathed in and out.
“Elizabeth,” Nerissa sobs, her voice trembling.
Elizabeth crosses the room in an instant, her own fear pushed aside by a surge of protectiveness for her wife. She took Nerissa in a hug, her touch firm yet gentle. “I’m here, my love. I’m here. You’ll be okay.”
Nerissa’s grip, although weak, tightened with tears and blood staining Elizabeth’s clothes. “It hurts so much…”
The helplessness could only grow, but she refuses to let it show. “Hold on. I’m calling Fauna.”
With one hand still holding Nerissa, Elizabeth fumbled for her phone and speed dialed Fauna’s number. The wait seemed eternal, but Fauna picked up with her voice ridling with sleep. Elizabeth quickly explained the situation, her words tumbling out in a rush.
“I’ll be there as soon as I can,” Fauna assured. “Make sure to keep her awake.”
Elizabeth ended the call and turned to Nerissa, who seemed weaker and weaker by the second. “Fauna is on her way. Just hold on a little longer.”
In the back of her mind, Elizabeth was acutely aware that Elissa was currently alone in her room, worrying and wondering what was happening. She made a mental note to check on her as soon as Fauna arrived.
But for now, all she could do was to stay by Nerissa’s side.
Elissa was wide awake in her bed, the silence of the night pressing down on her as she clenched her hand around her pillow, sitting with her back against the wall and facing the closed door, where she had last seen her mother running towards Nerissa’s voice. The scream that had woken her up was nothing like she had ever heard before, and it was terrifying. The child tried her best to keep her heart calm, reassuring herself that her mother had promised to come back for her as soon as possible.
She hears soft whispers from the hallway, muted sobs and then steps coming closer. There was a soft knock on the wood, Elissa’s heart running a mile as she got up and rushed to open the door. Instead of seeing Elizabeth or Nerissa, it was Fauna who stood in the hallway. The warm, calming aura of the kirin is a welcome sight, but not the one Elissa is hoping for.
Quickly, she grabbed the midwife’s arm, shaking her with her eyes wide with worry and her voice trembling. “Where’s Mama? Where’s Mum?”
Fauna knelt down, her expression gentle and compassionate. “Liz is taking care of your Mama, sweetie. She needs a little extra help right now.”
Elissa’s grip tightened, her eyes filling with tears. “Is Mama going to be okay?”
Mother Nature pulls Elissa into a hug. “We’re doing everything we can to make sure she’s safe. Your Mama is very strong, and she’s not alone in this. Neither are you, okay?”
Elissa nods, but her fears linger. Her little hands cling to the midwife, seeking solace in her warmth. “Is the baby okay?”
Seconds pass, and Fauna’s hesitation is palpable. Elissa tries to pull away from her to look at her face, but Fauna doesn’t let her. She instead squeezes her closer. “We’re doing all we can do,” she said softly, her voice tinged with unspoken sorrow, her voice trembling at the end.
Elissa didn’t fully understand the gravity of the situation, but she could sense Fauna’s sadness. Her small body shook with emotion, tears spilling over and mingling with Fauna’s. The comfort she sought from the midwife was laced with dread.
The sadness eventually wore her up, and Fauna stayed by Elissa’s side until she fell asleep again. She hummed a soft lullaby, different from the one her mothers would sing to her, but it was comforting enough to lead her away into the realm of dreams.
In them, Elissa found herself back in their cozy living room. Warm light sneaks through the windows and she lays on the couch, her head resting gently on Nerissa’s lap. She could feel the warmth of her mother’s belly against her ear, and the rhythmic rise and fall of her breathing.
Nerissa hummed a familiar tune, one that both she and Elizabeth often hummed together. The melody was filled with such tenderness and hope that wrapped around Elissa like a soft blanket. Elissa joined in, her small voice blending with Nerissa’s in perfect harmony.
As they sang, Elissa imagined the tiny life growing inside her mother, wondering if it was a little sister or brother. She pictured holding the baby in her arms, sharing secrets and giggles, creating a lifetime of memories together.
The dream felt so vivid and so real, a precious moment frozen in time. Her heart swelled with anticipation, her worries and fears forgotten. In this dream world, everything was perfect and safe. Containing a future that was bright and full of happiness.
As the dream faded, they were joined by Elizabeth, her voice adding deeper to the harmony of their song. Elissa smiled, completely at peace.
.
When morning comes, the house is eerily quiet. Elissa stirs awake, noticing that the sun was already up and high. That’s weird, since her mothers would have woken her up already. She gets up, puts on her slippers, and walks out of her room with her small feet padding softly on the floor. The memory of last night lingered in her head, though it almost felt unreal, blurring the line between dream and reality.
She pushes the door to the kitchen, where she sees Elizabeth standing by the stove, her back to the door so all Elissa could see were her shoulders. Elizabeth seemed to be staring blankly at the kettle, not moving even though the water was already boiling. The sight filled Elissa with an uneasy feeling.
She walks up to her mother, pulling on her pants. “Mum?” Elissa called out softly.
Elizabeth jolted awake from her trance and turned around, her eyes meeting Elissa’s in a startle. The exhaustion and sadness etched in her face was unmistakable. Deep, raw and heart-wrenching. It was as if all the weight of the world had settled on her shoulders, and Elissa could see the struggle to keep it from crushing her.
Elissa is immediately terrified. She had always seen her Mum as a pillar of strength, but now she looked shattered. Tears immediately welled up in her eyes, mirroring the anguish she saw in Elizabeth’s.
“Is Mama okay? Is the baby okay?” she asked, her voice barely over a whisper.
Elizabeth knelt to her height after putting off the fire. She forces a smile, but it was so weak it might as well not be there. She pulls Elissa into a tight hug, holding her just as Fauna had done the previous night.
“Your Mama is okay, Elissa, but the baby… the baby isn’t.”
Elissa pulls away. “What’s wrong with the baby?”
Elizabeth’s face shattered with the question, it was obvious that she was struggling with her words, evidenced by the nervous flicker of the flame on her chest. “There’s… there’s nothing wrong with the baby, but things didn’t go well. The baby wasn’t viable.”
The word hung in the air, heavy and unfamiliar. “What does viable mean, Mum?”
Elizabeth’s tears threaten to spill over, and Elissa uses her tiny fingers to brush them off. “It means… The baby couldn’t grow the way it needed to. I’m sorry, but the baby can’t be born, sweetheart.”
Elissa’s face crumpled with confusion and fear. “Why?”
Elizabeth pulled her back in, but she didn't say anything to answer her question. “It’s hard to explain, Lissa. Sometimes, even when we do everything right, things don’t turn out the way we hope.”
Those were almost the exact words she told Elissa when Fauna told Nerissa to stay in bed, and they only confused her further. But something about it, about Elizabeth’s sadness, made her heart ache. It hurt. It hurt a lot. She remembers her dream. She knew that this meant she wouldn’t be able to meet her little sister or brother.
Elissa clung to her mother’s, tears running freely as she tried not to cry, though eventually she gave in, crumbling down in her Mum’s arms in the midst of their shared sorrow.
Elizabeth left the room to get her something to drink, even though Nerissa wasn’t thirsty.
In her loneliness, she simply lays limply on her side, feeling the emptiness in her tummy that was no longer carrying her child.
The night had been an endless torrent of tears and grief, with Nerissa only finding some kind of solace in Elizabeth’s arms. The warmth of her wife’s embrace had been the only thing keeping her afloat in a sea of madness. She was her anchor, her rock, helping her throughout the unimaginable pain, cleaning her up and changing the bloodstained blankets. Carrying away…
She doesn’t want to think about it.
Now, as she lay there alone, Nerissa stared at one of her trembling hands, the other lying on her stomach, her mind haunted by the memory of the nightmarish moment. She could still feel the warm, sticky sensation of blood against her skin, the sheer of terror as she frantically searched for Elizabeth next to her, her voice broken with panic.
Her hands shook, remembering the bulge of blankets she had held close to her chest, one tiny bloody hand sticking out, too small for it to be considered a baby.
She wanted to scream, the weight of loss suffocating, crushing her beneath a wave of despair. She wanted to scream, to cry out, but her voice was already lost.
There’s no words that could soothe the emptiness in her heart. Even the most loving embrace. She longed for the comfort of Elizabeth’s presence, though even that couldn’t erase the pain or the sense of failure gnawing at her soul.
She closed her eyes, tears slipping down her cheeks, whispering the only two words she could come up with. “I’m sorry.” The words echoed in the silence, apologizing to her baby boy, to Elissa and to Elizabeth. To their shattered dreams, replaced by an agonizing pain that seemed impossible to fill.
“Mama.”
The tiny yet familiar voice of her daughter made her open her eyes. There, in front of her, Elissa stands with her arm stretched, holding a wildflower, her eyes puffy from crying. Nerissa’s heart ached at the sight, glanced around to find Elizabeth standing under the doorframe, carrying a tray with three cups, one smaller than the other two. Elizabeth’s expression mirrored her sorrow, but she managed the tiniest of smiles, tilting her chin to direct Nerissa’s attention back to their daughter.
Elissa hadn’t moved an inch, her lips on a line as she tried to be brave despite her tender age. She is only six years old, and already tried desperately to comfort her mother’s broken heart. The effort to hold herself together was evident in her little face. Nerissa’s eyes filled with tears once again. She weakly pulled the blanket open, inviting Elissa in. Without an ounce of hesitation, Elissa climbed onto the bed and wrapped her arms around her mother in a tight hug. When she hugs her back, the wildflower still in Elissa’s hand was crushed between the two of them, a subtle symbol of the fragile and beauty held despite the pain.
Elizabeth stepped forward, setting the tray down onto the bedside table. From the opposite side of the bed, she joined her two girls, hugging Nerissa’s back, putting her arms around Elissa, drawing them into a protective embrace.
No words were needed. Their shared pain was palpable, but there’s a relief about not being alone in this sorrowful moment. In that second, Nerissa was able to breathe easy for the first time that night.
Despite it all, she still had her family with her.