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“I’ll watch over you,” Cass said. It was clear from the look on the human’s face that he wanted to put up a fight, but couldn’t deny his own exhaustion.
Benny was tired too. Being a vampire, he didn’t need sleep like Dean did, but after this particular bout of fighting (a whole gang of shifters, and one rogue kitsune), even he had to take advantage of the rare opportunity — even if the angel’s watchful eye favored the hunter.
Benny had caught on by now, and knew it wasn’t the same as when Cass looked his way. The angel was protective, yes — Dean swore he needed Benny to get out, after all, and that neither one of them would be going anywhere if the angel wouldn't follow — but also, it was like Cass knew what Benny was, at the end of the day. Not just a vampire.
A predator, as all three of them were to each other, or had the potential to be. Sharp teeth, open mouths. Dean could see past it. See whatever he wanted to see, for the sake of maintaining a working relationship.
He couldn’t blame Cass for being worried either; by now Dean looked like a hungry lion, wounded in the hunt, almost limping and about ready to drop.
In this little jungle metaphor, B enny must’ve looked like an opportunistic hyena.
It was hard to guess at the exact nature of the relationship between this inexplicable pair, but easy to tell that it was much more intimate than the average friendship. More intimate than anything he'd had going with Dean before they found his ungrateful angel. The kind of relationship where two people see the best and worst of one another.
Cass had probably seen the young, handsome, healthy man that Benny had only imagined through all the dirt and monster blood and desperation. There was a softness to Dean that not even the violence of purgatory could ruin. Cass brought it out with a look.
“Great,” Benny said. “Dean, I’m sure you could benefit from a bit of shuteye. And I myself will never waste an opportunity to rest my legs. We need to save up our power for the next fight.” He found a seat at the base of a large tree; one he’d been eyeing ever since the topic of sleep came up. “Only a few hours of night left anyway, Dean." It was meant to be reassuring.
The human cast an anxious glance through the trees. All around them were the whispers of things that go bump in the night. Red eyes peppered the dark like low hanging stars. Some were fixed in place, settled down for their nightly observation. Others roamed about like pairs of lightning bugs. Dean briefly remembered nights on Earth with Sam, when there was no time for sleep between one destination and the next, and he knew he needed a break from driving. Needed to see something other than the road — when there was nothing else for them to do except stop the car in the middle of a field, lay back on the hood, drink and look up at the sky in silence. Beautiful skies, wasted on him back then. Not that he didn’t know they were beautiful, but that he’d never imagined living anywhere without them. Never imagined himself missing them.
Finally, he shook his head with a small sigh, raising his hands in surrender. “I’m not arguing.”
“Good,” Cass said.
Benny didn’t miss the look that passed between them, or the small nod of Dean’s head, urging them further away so that some private conference could finally be held. It made no difference to Benny. He knew since the day they found the angel that this moment would come sooner or later. He was sure they had a lot to discuss. He turned to his side and watched the dirt, not closing his eyes.
And he wondered for a moment, not yet able to discern his companions’ murmuring voices from the night’s constant babel, whether or not Dean had also noticed that the soil here was full of all the natural creepy crawlies one found on Earth. A lot of the flora was the same too. You’d think there’d be no life to speak of, besides the monsters, but no. This place was teeming with it. Especially worms, and more species of beetles than Benny could ever hope to name. Flies and mosquitos. Spiders. Fungi too. All kinds.
He’d seen pale lichens clinging to his robust oak tree, which, when he’d spared a glance upwards before laying down, seemed to stretch all the way up to oblivion. He’d wondered on many occasions during his long sentence in limbo whether or not this was designed to be a paradise for decomposers. If, underneath the soil, there was some dark, writhing Heaven, just waiting for him.
He closed his eyes as his ears adjusted to the voices of Cass and Dean — it wasn’t his fault if they were ignorant of his natural abilities. Expecting him not to hear every word was like expecting a dog not to sniff out a meal. Expecting him not to eavesdrop was like expecting that same dog not to start drooling the second you open the oven.
He didn’t know that Dean had had his own short lived experience carrying the burden of vampirism. Though some of the memories were hazy now, the hunter still remembered how he could smell and hear for miles — enough to know that they couldn’t get far enough away without splitting up entirely.
Still, he made very little effort to disguise his feelings, so that it seemed to Benny that he was unaware that anyone might be listening. There was little talk at first, as Cass healed Dean’s sore muscles, aches and scrapes, and Dean thanked him for it when he was done. Benny wouldn’t dare turn to look, but he pictured them both sitting, or Cass sitting, and Dean laying down.
His ears locked on to the peculiar tone in Dean’s voice as he said, “You know, I missed you a lot…” It was like he was going for something casual and couldn’t quite swing it.
“I don’t just mean while we were split up here in Purgatory. I mean this whole time… Ever since we drove away from the cage, and you said you were going back to Heaven… Part of me just wished you’d come back to me and… and stay… A big part…even after…” He sighed.
“… I did come back,” Cass said. He seemed to gather something from Dean’s silence, because then they were discussing something else. “You hadn’t forgiven me, not really. I didn’t think you’d want…”
“I wanted, Cass. Believe me… But you really scared the Hell out of me.”
“I know. I scared myself too.” It was quiet again, until Cass said, “I missed a spot.” Benny heard the shifting of wet fabric, smelled the iron in Dean’s blood, newly exposed to the air. His human heartbeat quickening, breath hitching in his throat. And then Dean took the angel’s hand. Benny’s suspicions were confirmed.
“You need to save your strength too.”
“As long as I can heal you, I will.”
Then they were quiet — thought they were quiet. Of course, Benny could hear everything else. Dean made Cass sound almost human, his breathing no longer automatic, his heart no longer mechanical. He even moaned, as quietly as he could manage, burying the rest of the sound inside Dean’s mouth.
Cass hadn’t expected things to go this way when Dean found him. As a matter of fact, he had purposely not expected anything. All Cass knew for certain was that Dean was likely to get his way. It would all depend on what it was he wanted, and whether or not Cass had the courage to run.
If he had given it any proper thought, he probably would have seen all this coming. Would have known that, obviously, all Dean wanted was this. It was all the guilt and shame that had blocked Cass’s foresight. And the not understanding humans — how they could continue to love things that had failed them repeatedly. He’d failed to notice the same tendency in himself. How he still loved the all too human Dean. Still loved Dean’s brother, who caused all their trouble in the first place, and still forgave Cass for everything he'd done.
And of course Cass still loved Heaven, whose flaws were infinite and manifold. And he especially still loved his silent God.
But he had told himself he wouldn’t give in to Dean’s requests if they would lead to any sort of pleasure. He’d spent so long trying to build himself into a man who could deserve Dean’s love, only to destroy their entire relationship in the process. And he hadn’t yet made it up to him — that could only happen when they reached the portal, and he pushed Dean out. Only through total selflessness, he told himself. Only when the reward was impossible to grasp.
He’d already failed. Weak . Dean was too beautiful for Castiel to resist. Worst of all, he couldn’t feel any of the pain that’s supposed to come with sinning — real sinners never do . Dean’s mind overpowered his thoughts — Dean’s touch alone redeemed him, and made him all the more certain that he’d need to stay behind in Purgatory. Stay forever. Long for Dean forever. Fight to survive and die wondering where he was, hoping that he’s well, hoping they’ll never have the misfortune of seeing each other again. Die remembering these small stretches of bliss.
God. Heaven had been right about him all along. He was destroyed.
They pulled away from each other after a long while, which Benny knew had felt too brief to them both. He remembered the feeling well, even after all this time. The sound of them parting was like velcro. Like the tide pulling back from the shore, clawing layers of sand into the ocean with it. If all went according to plan — if the angel didn’t ruin everything — Benny would find a beach to plant himself on, and just watch the tide pulling back grains of sand for days. A week at least, for as long as he could without being discovered.
He heard Castiel chuckle for the first time.
“Hey. What’s so funny?” Dean asked with a smile in his voice. He was just like that, Benny had quickly discovered — always finding something to smile about.
“…You need to brush your teeth.”
Dean knocked the angel’s head back playfully. “Well you’re not exactly minty fresh either.”
“And you should sleep, Dean.”
“… And what about you?” Dean answered softly. “We should be taking shifts.”
“I said I’d watch over you.”
“Yeah, and I knew that was just a line.”
More silence that wasn’t silent. The hungry night, the writhing dirt, and those two.
Then, breath, and an even quieter, “I’m not going to have sex with you on the ground, Dean.”
Dean was less polite. He giggled like a little kid. “C'mon. We can just use your coat.”
“No.”
“What happened to Superman, huh? A little dirt, some rocks, shouldn’t phase you.”
“It’s not me I’m worried about.”
“…I’m not that precious.”
Cass cradled his face with his hand. He could see all the times he’d bruised him. All the beatings Dean had ever taken. Before him, from him, because of him, without him. Benny didn’t know about Dean’s past — that he was once Chosen by God. But that Cass found him precious? That was obvious.
“You are.” Apparently, Dean needed to be convinced.