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It would be better if she was dead.
The thought ran like a pulse through Veijo’s mind as he watched his kitten, curled and trembling in his arms. She barely moved anymore - she just lay there, shivering, her once-bright eyes dull with pain. Her leg was horribly twisted out of shape, clearly broken, and every slight movement caused her to mewl pitifully.
Veijo had tried calling the vet himself, tried asking his father to help, but no one had listened. They didn't care that a helpless animal was suffering.
"Sorry kid, we don't work for free. If you can't pay, we can't treat her."
"Animals die, Veijo. Leave it outside for the foxes to deal with."
It was on him, to help the kitten - and he only knew one way to help.
Veijo felt the heavy weight of that responsibility as he held the kitten close, her frail body barely stirring in his hands. The kitten tried to lift her little head, but even that small movement seemed to exhaust her, a faint whimper slipping from her mouth.
He could feel the shallow beat of her heart, each one slower than the last.
She was dying a slow death, agonizingly slow.
He had named the kitten Mielikki when his father had presented her to him, a present for his eighth birthday that Veijo had been delighted to receive, so perhaps it was fitting to take her to the forest for what he was about to do.
He swallowed, feeling his throat tighten, and whispered, "I’m sorry. I'm sorry, Mielikki."
The words sounded hollow even to him.
The forest was quiet as he slipped out of the house, the kitten wrapped in an old towel he had torn from one of his father’s rags. His steps were uncertain and shaky as he walked through the trees, so painfully aware of the life held in his arms. The creek behind the house lay only a short walk away, its waters flowing slow and cold, glinting beneath the filtered moonlight. This would be quick, he thought. Quicker than lying there in his arms, unable to do much more than breathe, unable to move. Better than dying so horribly slowly.
He didn't know what else he could do.
He was certain he’d have to drown her - but the closer he got, the more the thought of plunging the kitten into water filled him with dread.
It would be a few moments of pain, but... it was better than the slow death she was dying of now.
He knelt beside the stream, pulling back the towel enough to see the kitten’s face. Her body was limp, one paw twitching weakly. She blinked slowly, one eye clouded, and tried to purr - a broken sound, soft and weak. Veijo’s chest tightened, and he bit his lip, the taste of blood sharp on his tongue.
A thought flitted through his mind, desperate and instinctive.
Maybe he could just make her go to sleep. He remembered his father’s toolbox, the heavy hammer he’d seen lying in there. His father had told him once, if you hit something hard enough, you could kill it instantly. No suffering, just alive one moment - dead the next. He could make it quick, end it before Mielikki even knew what was happening.
She wouldn't suffer.
Steeling himself, he picked up a stone by the creek, rough and cold in his hand. He held it over the kitten’s head, his hand trembling, but Mielikki’s half-open eyes stared up at him, trusting, unaware of the pain he was about to inflict.
He imagined how it would feel, the sound the rock would make as it crushed her skull, the bright red of her blood spilling on the rocks beneath them, and he knew he couldn't. His heart sank, and his grip faltered, the stone dropping from his fingers into the grass beside him. He couldn’t do it. Not like that.
Mielikki twitched, her breath rattling in her small chest.
With every moment he delayed, she only suffered more. She didn't deserve this. Any of this.
Tears stung Veijo's eyes, but he couldn’t stop now. He took a shaky breath and held her closer as he waded into the creek, the water lapping cold around his ankles, then his knees, sending shivers through his body. He could feel her frail body growing weaker in his hands as he waded deeper, her breaths rattling softly, the only sound above the slow, gentle gurgle of the water.
"It’ll be fast, I promise," he whispered, but even he didn’t believe it. "It's for your own good. You won't be in pain anymore."
A few moments of pain, but after that - she would be in peace.
With trembling fingers, he lowered Mielikki until her tiny paws brushed the surface. The shock of the cold made her flinch, and she whimpered, but he forced himself to hold her steady, inching her down until her belly touched the water. She twisted weakly, a cry slipping from her mouth, her claws gripping his fingers, but he didn’t let go. His vision blurred with tears, but he had to keep going.
This was the only way.
When her head dipped under, she jerked, suddenly frantic, her paws scratching against his hands as her instincts took over, a desperate, instinctual fight for survival. Her claws sliced into his skin, tiny pinpricks of pain radiating up his arms.
The cold water churned as she thrashed, splashing against his face, making him sputter, but he held on, pressing her down, forcing her head under. But she kept fighting, her whole body writhing and struggling in his hands, her small, panicked yowls muffled by the water. Veijo could feel her life slipping through his fingers, each shuddering movement a painful reminder that he was causing this, that he was the one hurting her.
He was hurting her.
The thought almost made him stop, almost made him wrench her out of the water and hold her to his chest as she brought air into her lungs once more, but he knew he couldn't. It was better this way. It was better this way.
His hands trembled, his grip tightening and loosening as he fought the urge to pull her out, to end this nightmare.
Each jolt of movement was a reminder of his failure, of the pain he couldn’t stop.
Each second felt like an eternity, the silence broken only by the choked, bubbling cries coming from beneath the water. He was sobbing now, the sound raw and broken, his vision blurred as he held her down, his heart pounding in his chest as if it, too, was fighting to escape this.
He couldn't save her.
His breath hitched, and he held her tighter, his own sobs breaking the quiet of the forest. "I’m sorry," he choked out, over and over. "I’m so sorry…"
Just a few moments more. Just a few more moments, and she would be free. That was all he could cling to, the only thought keeping his hands steady.
She would be free. She wouldn't be in pain anymore. He had to keep holding on.
He couldn’t let go until the struggling stopped.
Finally, her struggling slowed, her movements fading into weak, shuddering twitches until, at last, she stilled. He waited, his breath catching in his throat, unable to move as the silence settled around him.
His hands were numb, his fingers locked in a frozen grip, even as he forced himself to lift her from the water.
Her small body hung limp in his hands, water dripping from her sodden fur, trickling down his arms and mingling with the blood from the scratches she’d left behind. The forest around him felt impossibly quiet, as though even the trees were holding their breath, bearing witness to what he’d done.
For a moment, he just stared at her. Veijo’s chest felt hollow, as though his heart had stopped beating along with Mielikki's.
The kitten in his hand felt no more pain.
With trembling fingers, he wrapped Mielikki in the towel again, folding each corner gently around her like he was tucking her in for one last sleep. His hands shook, his skin still raw from the scratches she’d left behind, each one a painful reminder of her desperate struggle. As he held her now, still and silent, the weight of what he’d done sank deep into his chest, heavy and unforgiving.
He decided to bury her at the edge of the forest. The place he picked was beneath an old oak tree, its branches stretching overhead like twisted, ancient arms, casting long shadows on the ground. It felt strangely fitting - a quiet, secluded spot where no one would stumble across her.
No one but him.
Veijo knelt, pressing his fingers into the dirt, the cold, damp earth yielding beneath his hands as he dug with numb desperation. Each handful of dirt scraped against his skin, filling his nails with mud, but he didn’t stop, not even as his hands grew raw and bruised.
It felt right, somehow, to hurt in some small way for what he’d done.
When the hole was deep enough, he placed Mielikki in it with a trembling gentleness, laying her down as if she might stir awake at any moment. Her tiny face, barely visible beneath the folds of the towel, looked peaceful, and that only made the ache in his chest tighten, sharp and unforgiving.
She wasn't in pain anymore. He had done what was best for her.
With his fingers caked in dirt, he scooped the earth back over her, each handful feeling heavier than the last. When he’d covered her completely, he placed a single, smooth stone atop the mound, pressing it into the earth as a marker.
It felt too little, too small a gesture for what he had done.
He sat back on his heels, staring at the freshly turned soil, the stone barely visible in the dim light. A gust of wind stirred the leaves above, but the forest remained silent, as though mourning with him, bearing witness to this small, lonely grave.
Veijo’s throat felt tight, and he bit back the tears that threatened to spill, clenching his fists until his knuckles turned white. He knew he couldn’t cry - not here, not now.
This wasn’t a place for tears. this was a place for promises.
"I’m sorry," he whispered, his voice breaking. The words drifted away on the wind, lost among the trees, leaving only a hollow silence in their place. He stayed there for a long while, his small figure hunched and shivering, staring at the ground where Mielikki now lay, a terrible ache lodged deep within his chest.
And above the grave of his first kill, he promised himself - he would never let an animal suffer like that again.