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Solace is very quiet for the next few days; shaking and easily startled. The tiefling is not despondent, but they are not focused. He's seen them staring off into nothing multiple times, whatever they were doing before: forgotten. They are prone to crying at any moment and barely have an appetite. They do not want to meet his or Halsin's eyes. Their tail remains wrapped around their leg at all times. They want to be comforted, but they will not ask for it because they feel they do not deserve it. Astarion is hesitant to overtly offer his touch; still uncertain if they will be willing to deny him if they do not want him.
The paladin tries to work on what they think a horde of vampire spawn will need, but they grow frustrated at their left hand not writing as well as they want; crumbling up the paper and slamming both their hands into the desk. The paladin’s control snaps completely and Astarion watches; concerned and a little scared, as they cry and rage and destroy the tavern desk. Solace curses in infernal and fire smolders in both their hands, the prosthetic gleaming and glowing as it slams into old wood and singes it. Astarion watches his partner break down and rage; spitting curses and kicking pieces of furniture into kindling.
Karlach stands from her place beside Dammon and the schematics they are designing and approaches her friend; gently but insistently pulling them into a hug that the blue tiefling melts into when Karlach makes it clear she will not be denied. The two tieflings speak in infernal; words that Astarion cannot comprehend, but the paladin sounds utterly sorrowful, while Karlach’s tone seems intended to soothe. He can only hope that Solace can listen and understand the woman’s likely kind words.
Solace is ashamed, and Astarion can only hazard an educated guess as to why. The paladin is not going to talk about it willingly, and neither of their partners wished to refocus on the subject of their murdered unborn child before the paladin was ready. But Astarion can only stand to watch his partner torment themself for what their father forced on them for so long before he wants to start screaming for them to see reason. So far, he’s managed to keep his mouth shut. He doesn’t know how long he can take this. They do not deserve this. No one in their situation does.
Halsin took it upon himself to silently offer physical affection whenever they wanted it. The paladin refused to look at anyone, let alone be touched until the evening after the memory had taken them. It took some convincing, but after seeing that Halsin was not angry at them, the paladin buried their head in the man's chest and cried. The messy, snotty, utterly distraught and wrought open sobbing that is the mark of a broken person.
Solace apologizes for everything. For being the Chosen of Bhaal. For falling in love. For being pregnant with Gortash's child and then forced to kill it. For breaking free. For nearly killing everyone. Solace wails the contrition of someone who does not believe themself to be forgivable. The tiefling apologizes for existing at all points across their life. No amount of their friends and loves telling them they are not a monster seemed to help.
They are only truly calm when sleeping. It's the only reprieve they can have, but Gale is happy to provide the sleeping draft to let them rest. The wizard had given him the recipe without being asked and without unnecessary explanation. Gale knew that he was learning alchemy and wanted him to be able to help Solace sleep. The vampire smiles appreciatively and adds the instructions to his book. Between this and the healing potions, he might be able to keep Solace alive.
Only time will tell if Solace will be able to grow past this latest horror. He is not equipped to help them with this. Even the ever loving druid is not capable of solving everything.
Halsin is not a specialist in grief. He does not know how to alleviate his partner’s sorrows. The druid can only do what Astarion has been doing: holding the tiefling as they shake and claw at their scarred stomach. After a few hours of the tiefling crying into Halsin’s warm embrace, Solace asks him to hold them as well. Solace drifts into a dreamless sleep; cradled between the men that love them through the worst of their remembrances. Solace falls asleep with their hand over their lower stomach.
He had once wondered at the nine overlapping incisions on their belly. In the past months, when the memory loss was clearly permanent and trying to recall lost things proved painful; Astarion had not wanted to ask. He had imagined a brutal attack that they had survived by grace of their paladin powers. He had imagined it to be violence by a stranger or acquaintance. After their parentage was revealed, he imagined it to be Orin or another Bhaalist’s doing. He could not have imagined this horror. He could not have considered their child murdered by their own forced hand.
His mind struggles to fully comprehend it; even a few days after having the story revealed. He can’t imagine knowing his own hands had committed the act against himself.
Astarion has hunted children. He hunted pregnant people. Cazador had wanted to break him. To make it clear he could turn him into whatever he pleased. It mattered very little if he didn't do so by his own choice or need. The deeds had been done, and even if he would have insisted a few months ago that he felt nothing for his victims, he was lying.
He was used to kill them; even if some of them are technically alive in the Underdark at this very moment. He may not have held the blade that stopped their hearts or had his teeth in their necks, but he had been the one to choose them. He had chosen his victims on purpose. They were dead the moment they walked with him.
He did not carry the blade in hand. He was the blade. He was his master’s favorite weapon.
“Fools will fall so easily for a pretty, stupid thing like you. In time, you will learn your use in all things.” Astarion flinches as his former master’s words slither through his head once more. Now is not the time to think about himself. Solace does not need his troubles heaped onto theirs. He can contend with his guilt when they are back on their feet.
He is with Solace during the night; holding the shaking tiefling with tenderness and care; speaking softly about pleasant things and a little how they are not responsible for the compulsions their father placed on them.
“I will not tell you to be ambivalent or unaffected, my love. Just… you did not choose it, nor did you deserve it.”
Solace does not respond to his words with more than a few sniffles or a desperate keen. He doesn't know if this is helping. He hopes it is. He isn't able to ask around for professionals during the day. He has to leave that to others.
Halsin and Jaheira search the city for someone who can help the tiefling. Someone who can guide the paladin through grief so weighty that they do not wish to stand. Solace suffers a new exhaustion; and one that rest does not fix. They need someone who can pull them free of the leash Bhaal tried to strangle them with.
Astarion cannot be that person. No one in the party can; much as they may wish to be. There is not a single person that Solace knows outside of the nine people who have been at their side through the best and worst of the tiefling’s new life. Aylin and Isobel do not know everything, after all. They were not around for the night Solace was screaming for his death. They did not know Alfira. Isobel only understood Solace as someone who could control their urges by the grace of Selûne.
No one, aside from those whose minds had been invaded by theirs, knew the truth of the circumstances. And many of those people had places to be in a very short time. Solace did not want to keep people from their lives and obligations. Lae’zel did not verbally speak her reluctance to leave; her utter lack of control over her expression spoke louder than any word would.
Shadowheart and her parents travel with the caravan as planned. Promising to find a place for Halsin, Astarion and Solace so they don’t have to worry when they are ready to arrive. The cleric assures them that she will take care to ensure no light will harm him.
“I’ll find a house or cave or something for you. I can dig a basement if I need to.”
Gale quietly offers to contact his mother if Halsin or Astarion deem it useful. The wizard seems hesitant to assume so, but offers nevertheless. Wyll wisely suggests that a strange woman, even the kindly wizard’s mother, would not be an especially useful addition to the paladin’s selection of semi-unwilling confidants. Odds are, they don’t want people to know about their past any more than absolutely necessary.
Solace joins the caravan send off party; still wide eyed and haunted looking, but they are determined to say goodbye to the cleric and Lae’zel before they both disappear for a long time. The paladin asks what time the caravan is set to leave. They ask on his behalf. They ask if he will be able to say goodbye for now, but do not make it obvious that it is about him. It’s sweet, but he doesn’t understand why they bother. Everyone here already knows about his vampirism.
“The main caravan is heading out in the morning. They’re full of the homesteaders, orphans, and families. The forward wagons of the guards and builders are heading out before first light to clear the way. I’m going with them. My parents are going with the rest. Astarion can see me off with all of you if he wants. I’d like to see him before I go.”
The farewell is bittersweet. Shadowheart is embraced by her friends one more time before she takes off alone on her adventure. Halsin looks both ashamed and set in his decision to stay with his partners. The cleric does not mention his choice, and Astarion is glad of it. There has been enough unhelpful judgment in recent days. Neither Solace or Halsin should be shamed even by accident for their choice to be supported. Or more accurately; Halsin’s choice to support his partner.
Solace embraces Shadowheart desperately; their chin pressed into the cleric’s shoulder and holding tight around the woman’s waist with both arms. Astarion witnesses his partner cling to their friend with a soft desperation that makes his chest ache.
“I’m going to miss you both so much.” The tiefling breathes, as if they are saying goodbye forever. Their tail curls around the cleric’s leg; touching as much as they can.
“You’ll see me again soon, I promise. And it’ll be a cold day in Avernus when Lae’zel tastes defeat. We’re not saying goodbye, Sol. We’re going to see each other again. I’m going to be building you a house, remember?” Shadowheart kisses the tiefling’s brow and invites Lae’zel into the hug if she wants. The gith woman is uncertain how to join, but the warrior awkwardly embraces her lover and friend nevertheless. Astarion leans his head on Halsin’s shoulder and smiles at the trio; witnessing three people who have fought to get to this moment enjoy what has been denied them. For a moment, there is a warmth in his chest at the sight.
Three people who have been controlled by those who may have claimed to care or at least value them. Three people who have rebuilt themselves.
Solace has only been themself for a few months. The paladin has built themself from the pieces of the people around them and vague memories of their past. The tiefling has never been away from their loved ones before. A knot of worry strangles the warmth in his chest and his hand crushes Halsin’s for a moment, the druid wincing quietly before his hand is released.
Shadowheart and Lae’zel share more hugs and goodbyes with the party; the cleric opening her arms to even him with a warm, genuine smile he wasn’t expecting. He had been expecting a somewhat tense goodbye, but Shadowheart seems to genuinely want him to hug her. He smiles and embraces the woman gently; laughing when she pulls him close and ruffles his hair.
“You’re my friend whether you believe it or not, Astarion. I’ll make sure you have a safe place during the day. Take care of them both while I’m gone, okay? As much as you can, anyway. You aren’t alone, and you shouldn’t feel that you are. Promise me you’ll ask for help when you need it?” Shadowheart whispers into his ear while she holds him; voice warm and controlled so his partners do not overhear them.
“I promise.” He replies, possibly the most honest he has ever been. He knows he cannot take care of his partners alone. He, as much as he hates it, is going to need Jaheira’s and everyone else’s help.
Shadowheart rides off in the back of a wagon: waving until she is out of sight. Lae’zel sighs and bows at her friends and allies, speaking tense and honest words as she prepares to call for her dragon.
“I saw this realm as a world of weaklings and a place to escape from. I was unyielding, rude, and terrified. You all may have thought it wiser to abandon me than risk my people’s ire. There was a time that I considered leaving myself.” The woman’s yellow eyes spear into them all one by one. Her lips crack into a smile.
“I was wrong. I would have perished without you. I thank you for protecting me and staying at my side through the pain of my presence. I am proud to know you all. I am proud to have achieved victory with you all. I would gladly fight alongside you again. I would call you all my… friends. When my people are free, I will be honored to be at your sides once more. Be it in battle, or at rest.” Lae’zel looks directly at Solace; their arms wrapped around their stomach and their eyes staring at the ground.
“Solace. Mla’ghir; liberator of both Prince Orpheus and yourself. My ally and friend. I know of no other who more deserves peace than you. I hope you can find it. In either your faith in your god, or your loved ones. I will think of you often and tell my people of your strength. And I will thank you every day for being at my side.”
The gith woman bows to her friends and calls for Quulos; the massive red dragon flying from a portal and landing to let her climb aboard. Lae’zel is gone without another word; her and her dragon flying through another portal to the Astral Sea, a delayed ballista bolt arcing comically wide after them.
The party walks quietly back to the inn; the huge room more empty than it should be. Harold had been shrunk back to his normal size; the armor set aside for when he is meant to be adult sized again. He rests next to Scratch, the white dog snoring loudly with a long haired white cat curled into his belly. No one knew where the feline had come from, but no one was complaining either, especially when the cat followed Solace around and made them smile for the first time in days. Gale had made certain it was indeed a cat and not a druid or polymorphed person; the wizard happy to announce that the cat was indeed, just a cat.
Solace takes off their arm and lays on the bed; back towards the room and curled in on themself. The same way they had been sleeping for the last few days. Halsin trades a look with him and the vampire nods for the druid to go rest. Astarion settles behind his paladin and pulls them gently against him.
“We love you, Solace. Even if you don’t believe it. I love you, darling. I’m not going anywhere, and neither is Halsin.” He kisses their shoulder and gently runs his fingers through their hair. A few days ago, this action would have made their tail wrap around his ankle. The tiefling pulls their head from his touch. He does not follow them. He rests his head on his arm.
“What if they don’t survive?” The paladin keens, soft and scared. Already thinking of what could go wrong with the people they cannot protect.
“What if they need me and I’m not there?”
“You are not the lifeline of the world, darling. You do not, and beloved, you cannot be the protector of everyone everywhere all at once. You are one person, and you both need, and deserve to focus on yourself. Do not bury your feelings for the benefit of others, my love. We finally have time to focus on ourselves. Do this for me, if you can’t do it for yourself just yet. One day, I will teach you to be selfish.”
The laugh that escapes them is tinged with misery, but it is the only positive sound they have made in nearly two days. He’ll take it. Until they can speak to someone who knows how to help them process their grief, Astarion will try to help them care for themself. Even if it has to be for his benefit.