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Mondays had never been her favorite but today in particular had been rough. She mindlessly tapped the back of the Montblanc pen onto the table surface until Andrea cleared her throat loudly enough for her to glance up, happy to focus on something else than John Avery’s breakdown of the Q4 figures. Andrea caught her eye and looked down at how she was holding the pen, then shook her head. Barely suppressing a sigh, Lena put the pen down and tried to focus on the graph in front of her.
“- our operating margin improved from 15% to 18%. Net income for the quarter stood at $25 million, which is a 10% increase from Q4 last year. I’m confident we can increase shareholder value while maintaining operational discipline.”
God. She had never liked John Avery, but ever since he had been made CFO, the quarterly meetings had become unbearable. The only saving grace was Andrea’s insistence on her attendance and the subsequent bribing with lunch at her favorite spot in National City, the expenses of which she neatly filed with L-Corp’s accountancy department the next day. They could obviously afford to share a nice bottle of wine between the two of them, and if it fucked with John Avery’s numbers (even in a minute way), that was a bonus.
“Ms. Luthor?” she heard Andrea clear her throat again, “Is there anything you’d like to add to this?”
“No,” she said decisively, closing the binder in front of her, “I think that was all very clear. Thanks John. Great meeting, everyone – Sarah will mail the minutes by tomorrow morning, I’ll speak to you all again soon.”
People started clearing the boardroom one by one, packing up their belongings and making small talk as they filed through the door. Lena pretended to check her diary on her phone, knowing full well there was nothing in it apart from her 12:30 appointment. KD. Yvonne’s.
“So,” Andrea spoke up, grabbing her notebook off the table, “lunch is on me. Apart from that incessant pen tapping, I think you did a great job pretending you can actually stand John. Where do you want to go,” she continued, throwing her handbag over her shoulder, “Mamma Maria? The Sail Loft?”
“Maybe another time,” Lena stood up, grabbing her laptop under her arm and slipping the pen back into her bag, “I already have a lunch meeting.”
Andrea fake-gasped dramatically, “You wound me, Lena Luthor,” she paused, “business or pleasure?”
“Hopefully the latter.”
“Are you going to tell me who you are ditching me for or do I have to drag it out of you?” Andrea grinned, holding the door open so she could walk through it.
“Kara.”
In a split second, Andrea had slammed the glass door shut again, causing the secretary at the desk outside of the boardroom to jump up. Lena felt the heat rise up in her cheeks, partly because people were now looking at them but mainly because Andrea’s face had changed instantly. Never one to temper her emotions, Andrea almost immediately scowled.
“Tell me you are joking,” Andrea groaned, “tell me you are not going for lunch with your ex.”
It felt like she was five again and being told off for something. “I would but then I’d be lying so -”
“Lena,” Andrea sighed, “this is not a good idea. In fact, this is an awful idea. It’s an idea even worse than John’s suggestion to move part of the chip production to the East Coast and we both know how idiotic of a plan that would be. Why would you do this to yourself? You have not slept properly in weeks, you should,” the Latina woman inhaled sharply, “I don’t know what you should do to get out of this rut but it sure as hell is not going to lunch with Kara Danvers.”
“It’s just lunch,” Lena heard herself say, “it’s nothing serious, we’re just grabbing a bite to eat.”
Andrea paused. “Okay, nothing serious, cool. That's fine. So like what, coffee and a croissant at the Beanery? Hot dog from that Assyrian guy with the cool foodcart near the park?”
“Yvonne’s.”
“Yvon-” Andrea groaned louder, “joder, dios mio.” Another pause. “Are you coming back to the office after?” The answer was shrouded in the silence and Lena almost flinched when Andrea sucked her teeth. “Lena, is there any rhyme or reason to this? You’ve been, for the lack of a better word, pretty fucked.”
“Very classy, Drea.” Lena said coolly, “You’re just so good with words.”
“If you wanted it somewhat sugarcoated, you should have spoken to Sam instead,” Andrea didn’t miss a beat, “I’m sorry but do you see where I am coming from? You barely eat, you barely sleep, you are watching disturbingly bad TV, I see you streaming Glee.”
“Remind me to delete you from my account,” Lena sighed, “just let me wallow for a while, I can’t enjoy the things I usually enjoy because everything reminds me of her. Which is,” she paused, “exactly why I’m going for lunch with her. Untenable situation, needs a resolution, this is the most efficient way.”
There was a pause as Andrea mentally went through a dozen more reasons why this would be an awful idea, but Lena knew the other woman would no longer push her on it. Despite her stubbornness, she knew more than well enough that Lena would out-stubborn her any given day of the week.
“Fine,” Andrea paused, “Will you at least text me after?”
That, Lena thought, she could do.
* * *
The pack of cigarettes she had bought on the corner of Temple and Washington had cost her at least double of what she last spent over a decade ago. Lena ripped the wrapper off and crumpled it up before shoving it down the pocket of her coat, before tearing the pack open and look at the two rows of neatly packed cigarettes. Old habits die hard, she realised, as she almost automatically took one of the cigarettes and placed it upside down in the pack, hoping the superstition of it being lucky were not entirely false.
There was a chill in the air as she stood outside of Yvonne’s ten minutes early, determined to finish at least one cigarette to kill her nerves before Kara would get there. Realising she hadn’t thought of buying a throwaway lighter, she stopped a few people in the street; the first man didn’t smoke and the second one vaped but his friend carried a lighter. She mumbled a thank you when he lit her up and took a long drag as they continued walking down the pavement.
It's gonna be okay.
She forgot how it initially burnt when the smoke filled her lungs. Still, she was grateful for the dull ache, almost happy that there was something she felt through weeks of dullness; it was as if there had been no room for anything but numbness in her chest and the puff of smoke she exhaled felt like liberation after being caged for weeks on end.
She had brought Kara here on a date, years ago. Not the first or the second, or any number she could remember, but she knows it’s when she’d fallen for her. She knew she was capable of stumbling into something more than friendship, of slipping into lust that somehow just arose, but she had never thought she was able to fall so hard it robbed her breath – and, eventually, broke her heart.
Kara had loved the food, Lena had loved the company. She’d spent the whole night listening to Kara’s stories, making mental notes of the moles that were dotted across her skin like stars, eager to connect them and design a whole new universe on the blonde’s skin.
She had texted Jack and Andrea after said date and they had playfully mocked her, pointed out that for the first time ever, she seemingly fell in love. Lena had let them joke around, didn’t correct them on the semantics but god, she knew better. Falling in love had always sounded accidental but if she were honest, she’d known from the moment she first saw Kara she knew exactly what she had to do. So she didn’t fall, she dove. And Kara had followed suit to catch her on the way down. Their friends spent countless nights hypothesising who fell first or who fell harder, and Lena had never figured out the answer herself. All she knew was that she loved Kara. You’re my favorite, she’d whisper on lazy Sunday mornings, and Kara would sleepily squeeze her a bit tighter as she buried her head in the nape of the blonde’s shoulder. Small kisses onto hot skin that yelled I’m glad you exist. I’m glad I’m here with you to experience it.
“Hey.”
Of course Kara would show up early too. It was definitely too late to get rid of the cigarette without the blonde seeing, so instead she simply dropped it and put it out with her heel before turning around to face Kara. She looked well, Lena thought, and immediately wondered how come some people immediately deteriorate after break ups while others seemed to glow up – she dreaded the answer. Kara awkwardly swayed a few times, her arms wrapped around herself. Fall had always been precariously chilly in National City and Kara had always hated the cold with a passion. Lena realized she hadn’t even said anything back yet.
“Are you cold?” Idiot. “Sorry, hi.”
“Hi,” Kara smiled, “just a bit.”
They both knew it was a lie. Lena nodded at the door like an unspoken question and Kara gratefully nodded, falling back behind her as they walked over. The metal door handle felt cold against her already chilly hands, and she pulled the door open, stepping aside momentarily to let Kara walk in first.
“Ladies,” the front of house guy appeared out of virtually nowhere, “how may I help?”
“Reservation for two under Luthor,” Lena said, “we’re a bit early, sorry.”
It was an obsolete statement, as Yvonne’s was empty bar two tables on the right. The man played his part in formalities and looked at his screen, seemingly trying to find them a table.
“I can seat you in the corner there,” he smiled at her and then looked at Kara, and Lena wondered whether he had thought the same thing about her beauty as she had minutes prior, “is that okay?”
“That’d be great, thank you.”
He sounded too chirpy with his ‘follow me’ but Lena meekly followed, knowing Kara was just behind. She watched him pull back one chair and then step around the table to pull back the other, motioning for Kara to sit down. All smiles as always, she watched Kara take off her coat and hand it to him before he reached out for hers. She thanked him softly before sitting down, Kara’s eyes following her every move.
“I love that coat.” Kara smiled, “It suits you.”
Maybe she had worn it for exactly that reason. Maybe subconsciously she had put it on because she knew how much Kara liked seeing her in it. Or out of it. She forced a smile and readjusted her cutlery for no reason whatsoever other than to not have to look directly at the blonde. God knew how fast she’d slip.
“Ladies,” the man was back, “I’ve got the menus right here, who do I give the wine menu to?”
“Oh, that’s her,” Kara didn’t skip a beat, “wine fiend right there.”
“Thanks,” Lena managed to say, “have you got any 2018 Shiraz?”
“We do,” the waiter continued, we also -”
“A bottle of that then, please.” Lena interrupted, “thank you. And some water.”
The waiter pursed his lips and smiled, immediately back to his professional demeanor, “Of course.”
Kara grinned. “Red wine, how atypical,” she paused, “thought it gave you headaches.”
The biggest headache in my life right now is this. Lena returned a little smile, “I’ve done some growing up.”
“That’s a first.”
Lena was sure it was not said with malicious intent but it stung regardless. She watched Kara order her food mere moments later and mumbled a meek ‘same’ when the waiter looked at her.
“Something is off with you,” Kara said gently the second it was just the two of them again, “are you well?”
God knew she wasn’t. Sam had been suggesting a vitamin IV drip for over a week and Andrea had enlisted Jack to set up a rotation schedule within their friend group to make sure Lena actually left the house if she wasn’t at work. The cleaner had sighed when she’d cleared the fridge out from food that had been bought and spoilt repeatedly, and the smart tracker she’d designed for L-Corp had been sending alarmed notifications about her sleep schedule and her vitals for days now.
“Slightly stressed,” she pursed her lips together, “lots going on at work and well, obviously my private life has become somewhat messy.”
She watched Kara open her mouth to respond when the waiter showed up again and put down their drinks order with a small dish of olives. The ease with which they fell back into old habits almost made her lose any shred of appetite that was left. She pushed the olives toward Kara’s side of the table, as Kara deftly used one of the toothpicks to pierce the lemon in her glass and fish it out before transfering it to her own. There were new rings on her fingers, none of which Lena recognized anymore which was weird because there were still some of Kara’s things at her penthouse and –
“Some of your stuff is still at mine,” she blurted out, “I’m not sure if you wanted it back or?”
“Ah,” the blonde said gently, finishing an olive before putting the toothpick down, “I,” she paused, “are you bringing that up because you want your stuff back?”
“No,” Lena replied, way too quickly, “no, of course not. Feel free to keep it. Or throw it out, I guess.” The glare Kara gave her made her wish she hadn’t said it, “Sorry.”
“You should be,” Kara said matter-of-factly, “everything I gave you was because I loved you, and you know that. What about you?”
Lena tapped her finger against the stem of her glass in nervous contemplation, “What about me?”
“Why did you give me things?” Blue eyes looked up at her, “Like what was the thought process behind that? Was it guilt? Was it a way to keep me sweet? Was it something you just did without thinking?”
This feels like a trap.
“I’m not sure what you mean?” Lena frowned, “It’s just something cute people do in a -”
“In a what?”
“… a relationship?” Lena said slowly, “I’m sorry, am I missing something?”
“We never were in a relationship, Lena. We were friends. Sure, we were friends that did a whole lot of stuff that was nowhere near friendly, but that’s what you called it,” The blonde air quoted her words for emphasis, “Friends. You were never going to date, you were never going to commit, you made that very clear. Lone wolf syndrome, commitment was a burden, independence was paramount – do I need to go on?”
“I -” Lena abruptly shut up when the waiter showed up with their food, “thank you,” she automatically thanked him, waiting for him to set Kara’s plate down as well and leave again, “Kara, we were exclusive,” she whispered, “I told you there was nobody else I wanted, all the time. You know that you were the only one I wanted. We were obviously -”
“Nothing was obvious.” Kara said bitterly.
“Right,” Lena nodded, “yes, you are right. And obviously that was an awful lack of common sense on my behalf, and I should have just… made it official, ages ago, and I have been thinking about it for a while now, and I’ve come to a conclusion.”
“Lena -” Kara suddenly seemed both agitated and nervous.
“I’m in love with you.”
“I met someone.”
She’s not sure how exactly it happened but one moment everything is fine and the next her wine glass spills all across the table before unceremoniously falling off the edge and shattering on the stone floor.
“What?” She heard herself mutter, barely loud enough to overcome her heart beat thudding out of her chest, “What did you -”
“What did you just say?” Kara almost leant across the table, “What was that?”
“I’m, well,” oh God. “in love with you. Also I’m sorry, what do you mean, you -”
“I can’t wait forever,” Kara’s voice was barely a whisper, “I don’t want to. And you made it clear where you stood, and that’s not where I am at, so,” she sat back, “there’s no point dragging this out, is there? You don’t want to date seriously, and I don’t want to be the fool that sits and waits for you to change your mind.”
“But we were?” Lena frowned, “I mean, we said – we did…”
“What you did and what you’d say in the heat of the moment is not what you said when you were rational,” the blonde said gently, “you made it abundantly clear that you didn’t want me. Not really.”
“Kara,” the brunette inhaled slowly, “I always wanted it to be you. From the moment our paths crossed, I envisioned our future together. You were the one I pictured beside me, the one I wanted to share my life with. And it’s obviously not worked out that way,” she felt a familiar wobble take a chokehold of her throat as she said it, “but that doesn’t change the fact that in my heart you were always the one I wished for, the one I wanted to be my forever. The love I had for you was genuine, and my intentions were always to build something lasting with you.”
“Lena,” the blonde sighed, “you never said. You barely ever said you loved me.”
Lena frowned. “I did.”
“Well,” Kara pursed her lips bitterly, “it doesn’t count if it’s just after sex. It hardly counts when you have to have had a few drinks before you can even say it.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Lena said, “I said it in normal circumstances all the time, too. I did!”
Didn’t I?
Without realising, she’d been crossing her ankles so intensely it now started to hurt. She quickly wiped under her eye because she’d be damned if she’d let her mascara run in the corner of this fucking place. Kara shook her head sadly, pulling the linen napkin from her lap and putting it next to her plate.
“Not really,” she sighed, “I’m sorry, Lena, I don’t think this is doing either of us any good so I’m just,” she gestured, “I’m gonna go. Maybe we should just not talk for a while, you know, let things cool down.”
“Wait, no, hold on,” Lena pushed her chair back, “Kara, hold on.” She repeated as she beelined it to the till, hoping to pay whatever money she owed before Kara stalked out of the restaurant and worse, her life.
By the time Lena paid and exited, Kara was already standing on the sidewalk, phone clutched tightly in her hand as she looked down the street. It had started to drizzle, making the outside seem even drearier than earlier that day. Lena paused as she exited Yvonne’s, contemplating whether there was any way she could make this even worse. She saw the blonde glance at her phone and shake her head in exasperation, and Lena felt her chest tighten immediately.
“Do you need a ride home?”
“I’ve called a Lyft, thank you.” Kara said coolly, “I’ll be fine.”
Lena sighed and tentatively reached out for the blonde’s arm. “My driver’s literally a block away, I can just,” she paused, “Kara, please just let me drop you off.”
The weather gods seemed to be on her side. She’d barely spoken the words or a downpour of rain started clattering onto the sidewalk, breaking the blonde’s final resolve. She nodded, barely noticeable, then sighed and started tapping away on her phone, presumably to cancel her ride search. Lena was about to say something again, anything, when she noticed her town car turn into the street and drive toward them. Kara stepped back and watched on as the driver got out and opened up the door for them, nodding at Lena to get in first.
“Ms. Danvers’ flat first, please.” Lena said gently, before reaching for her seatbelt.
Next to her, Kara shook her head. “Ms. Danvers,” she echoed, “did he ever even know my name, Lena?”
“George,” Lena spoke louder, not taking her eyes off of Kara, “you know Ms. Danvers’ name, don’t you?” She pauzed long enough for the man to nod in agreement, “He also knows your birthday, your address, your favorite take out orders, your favorite florist, and every single thing I have ranted about in the past few years.”
“Fine,” the blonde sighed, “can we just sit in silence please? I just – I am done talking.”
“Sure, yeah.” Lena sighed, before looking out of her window.
How have things gone so spectacularly wrong? The ride to Kara’s apartment took under ten minutes but felt like an actual eternity. Lena watched the other woman unbuckle her seatbelt as soon as George slowed down to stop. Before she could say something, Kara had muttered a thank you and opened the car door as soon as the car came to a halt, keys in hand and stalking over to the front door of her building.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Lena sighed, “George, wait here, will you.” She got out and waved apologetically at the car that had to swerve her as she flung the door open, “Kara,” she spoke up, walking past a few pedestrians who were trying to speed walk through the rain, “Kara, hold up.” She said louder, catching up to the blonde on the steps of her building.
“My god, woman,” Kara groaned in exasperation, “why can’t you just let me go?”
“’cause I love you.”
Kara threw her hands up, “Since when?”
Part of Lena wanted to speak in multitudes. Maybe this was a time for grand gestures, for clichés, for anything that would give her a fighting chance. From the first time I laid eyes on you. Since that one night you called me baby. First time I kissed you. First time you were in my bed, first time I was in yours.
If she were to be honest, it was sometime she saw Kara smirk after saying something flirty, or when she flicked her hair out of her face, or when they were talking and she burst out laughing. It happened gradually, she thinks. At one point Kara simply went from being her friend to being someone that lived on her mind 24/7. If she wasn’t with Kara, she was texting Kara, or voice noting Kara, or talking to people about Kara, and in hindsight the absurdity of having Kara everywhere, all the time, without labelling it what it was, felt disingenuous.
“Last year,” Lena blurted out, “God knows it had been a long time in the making but it clicked for me on your birthday. I’m not saying there was nothing prior to that, but I think I realized it the night of your birthday.”
The blonde sighed. “Lena, you were not even there for my birthday, you were abroad.”
“Oh, I know,” she nodded, “you went out for dinner, you had seafood, you cried at the restaurant because someone said something so nice you got all emotional,” Lena paused, “and I just sat in my meeting thinking you were so fucking precious, Kara.” Lena swallowed, “And you got just the tiniest bit tipsy and just…” she breathed in sharply, “How could anyone not have fallen for you? And then a few weeks later you sent a picture of you in my hoodie and I don’t even know,” she continued, “that was it.”
“Yeah well,” Kara said gently, “you’re not getting that thing back, it’s my favorite.”
“It’s yours.” Lena smiled, “For what it’s worth, I’d have let you wear all of them. There was something homely about you wearing my sweatshirts around the flat and I just thought that was how it was going to be for the rest of our lives, you know. I buy sweatshirts, you steal them, I -”
“Say they suit me better anyway.”
“Say they suit you better anyway.” Lena smiled wryly, “Okay.”
“Okay.”
She hated that it felt awkward. They had both mastered the art of small talk when it came to their professional lives, or even just strangers, but it had never been something they did together. And now she was standing under the canopy of some stupid apartment building, staring at the ground because there was nothing she could think of saying, nothing that she hadn’t said before.
“Okay.” Lena stalled, “Bye.” She opened up her arms, offering the blonde an embrace, “I’m really, really sorry. And I loved you. I still love you. I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you.” She choked back the lump in her throat as Kara stepped into her personal space and wrapped her arms around her. “I’m so sorry.”
There was no response, only Kara’s breath in the nape of her neck as they dragged the hug out. When Lena disentangled their limbs and turned back to the car, she felt like she could feel her heart sink to her stomach. You tried. There’s nothing else you could have done. She was two steps away from the car when there was a sudden ruckus behind her, splashing footsteps in the rain, approaching her faster with each step. She was just in time to spin around and spot a flash of blonde before she got backed into the car.
“Ka-”
“Shut up.” Kara muttered under her breath before kissing her, “This is it, Lena. I’m not trying again after this. I want everything or I want nothing at all.”
“Everything,” Lena breathed between kisses, “everything.”
It was perhaps the most cliché thing that had ever happened to her. From Kara’s hands in her hair to hers on the blonde’s waist, from the taste of her peach lipbalm to how the car handle pushed into her lower back from the sheer force Kara had launched herself into her.
* * *
It had been 47 days since she’d been in Kara’s apartment, 47 days since she’d woken up in sheets that weren’t as soft as hers but smelled endlessly better purely because they smelled like Kara. 47 days since she woke up and turned sideways to find the blonde’s back turned toward her. Almost tentatively, she snuck her arm around Kara’s waist and pressed her lips against her shoulder from behind.
“Hi.” She whispered, splaying her fingers across the other woman’s stomach as she nuzzled her neck.
“Hey,” Kara inhaled, “it’s too early to get up.”
It had been 47 days since she’d stayed on her phone for a few hours until Kara woke up on her own accord (not entirely) (she may have kissed her until she stirred). It had been 47 days since Kara tried to make toast that ended up burning to charcoal (Lena had not been done kissing). This time around, she had laid awake for hours, her eyes accustomed to the darkness of Kara’s bedroom and the outside light streaming in through the curtains regardless, while the blonde slept soundly.
“I know,” Lena pressed a few more kisses into hot skin, “just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
Kara stretched and shifted under the covers, turning toward her and nudging her leg between Lena’s. Her head slotted between Lena’s shoulder and cheek and the blonde sighed contently.
“Are you?”
“I just,” Lena ran her fingers down the other woman’s arm gently, “what are we gonna do?”
“About what?”
“This.”
Kara sighed and lifted her head up, messy blonde tendrils sticking to her face, “What do you want?”
Dinner dates and rooftop cocktails. Coffee runs and office drop-by’s. Lunch dates and walks in the park. Joint gym sessions neither of us focus on. Late Saturday nights. Lazy Sunday mornings. Hang out with my friends. Hang out with yours. Hang out with ours. Introduce you to colleagues and acquaintances and childhood friends and ex lovers. Look at your picture on my desk. Screensaver selfies. Post it notes on mirrors in the morning. Joint showers. Nap right next to you while you work a deadline. Travel to Midvale. Travel to Metropolis. Leave in the middle of the conversation because you’ve entered the room and I just have to kiss you. Celebrate your achievements. Mourn your losses. Buy you a ring for your birthday. Buy you another ring, one day. See in a new decade, and then another, and then another, and then -
“You,” Lena didn’t skip a beat, closing the distance and kissing Kara’s mouth gently, “just everything with you.” She added quietly, lying back down and pulling the blonde closer into her.
“Is this it now?” Kara’s lips pressed against her jawline softly, “Are you going to overcompensate by just being this soft the whole time?”
“You like it.” Lena grinned, “Right?”
“I’ve always loved you soft,” the blonde yawned, “I’ll tell you all about it in like five minutes, just give me like five more minutes.”
“Sure.” Lena said gently, pressing a kiss into the other woman’s hairline.
She’d give Kara five more minutes, she’d give her five more lives if she could. Lena closed her eyes and for the first time in 47 days, she tried to relax. She felt Kara’s arm snake around her waist and squeeze gently, and slowly but surely, she could hear nothing but the blonde’s heartbeat thud gently against her own chest.
And for the first time in 47 days, she managed to fall asleep.
She forgot to text Andrea.