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Dana Scully's Apartment, 2:55am
Scully nuzzled into the pillow, stubbornly ignoring the frantic call of her alarm. A few more minutes wouldn't hurt.
In between blissful lapses of sleep the alarm continued its desperate knocking sou
Wait a minute… Since when did the alarm make a knocking sound?
She stumbled drowsily down the stairs, wrapping herself in a towelling robe as she went. She peered cautiously through the peephole, wondering who the hell would call this early.
And, answering her own question realised that only one person would.
She opened the door, rubbing her eyes into a blur. Mulder burst in, unattractive puddles of sweat soaking through his shirt as he frantically grabbed the door from Scully, slammed it shut, and leaned breathlessly against it.
Scully froze. "Mulder-" she started, but was interrupted.
"It's happening again Scully! It's happening again and this time you've got to believe me!" He grabbed her arms and shook her roughly, as if he could jolt some conviction into her.
"Mulder would you chill out?" she shouted. "What do you mean? What do you mean, it's happening again?"
"The DREAM Scully!"
Scully frowned and tilted her head.
"Except it's not a dream but you seem to think it is!"
For the first time Scully noticed the rain dripping from Mulder's hair, and concluded that the sweat patches were in fact rainwater.
"Mulder, it's three o'clock in the morning. I haven't had much sleep, and from the looks of things neither have you." She reached up and felt his forehead, as she had done many times. "You've got a fever. You should rest." She pulled him towards the living room and sat him on the couch. "We need to warm you up."
She returned a few minutes later with two thick patchwork blankets and a steaming mug of something that made Mulder’s nostrils retreat.
"Thank you nurse."
Scully sat next to him and rested her tired, aching head on the top of the settee. "So was this the revenge of Tutu Man?" she asked, her face displaying seriousness though he knew she was mocking him.
"No. I think he was tired of the whole tutu thing…"
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Mulder was walking back down the alleyway,, radar set to Bigbird Alert.
Got to find Scully, got to find her…
Eventually he saw the warehouse in the distance. He slowed his pace and reached into his boxer shorts to
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"Whoah whoah whoah!" Scully held up her hands in defence.
"No Scully, I was reaching for my GUN… Do you really think I would do that in a public place? I mean, not that I do it ANYWAY, I-"
"Mulder."
"Anyway, so I reached for my GUN and
*********”
pointed it cautiously in front of him, expecting a return of Psycho Billy Elliot. But this time he was on his own.
After what seemed like hours, he arrived at the door to the warehouse. Just as he reached for the handle, a shadow neared his feet, causing him to spin around yelling, "FREEZE! IBF!"
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"IBF?" said Scully.
"I was nervous!”
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He turned to face the two people to the left of him, gun still poised, his hands wobbling slightly. He recognised the man first.
"Spender?"
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"Oh brother…"
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"SCULLY?"
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"Jesus."
"Scully aren't you Catholic?"
Scully ignored him. "I was there again? Dare I ask what I was doing this time?"
Mulder nodded. "I'm getting to that."
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Mulder was drawn to the smooth contours of his legs for a moment, bef
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Scully giggled. "Don't you mean HER legs, Mulder?"
Mulder looked back at his partner with all seriousness. "Nuh-uh. See that's the thing. He was wearing your skirt. And your jacket. And your shoes. And your-"
"Well if he was wearing my clothes then what was I wearing?"
Mulder grinned at her devilishly, as the thought crossed their minds simultaneously.
Scully flushed.
"Just joshing with ya. You were wearing his suit."
**********
Spender was the first to speak. "Agent Mulder. Glad you're here. Krycek’s out and I'm in."
Mulder surveyed Spender’s stature once more, just to make sure. "Do you guys have some sort of dress code or something?"
"That's irrelevant."
Mulder raised his eyebrows.
"You remember her." Spender gestured flippantly to Scully.
Mulder looked at his partner in the brown suit and tie, and noticed for the first time that her hair was hoisted in tight pigtails above her head. Her rosy cheeks were dotted with eyeliner-pencil freckles.
"Pippi Longstocking, isn't it?" he asked.
Scully frowned, not quite understanding the remark. "Fox. Nice to see you again." She forced a smile.
**********
"F0-"
"Yeah I know, It was definitely you though." He looked up to see that Scully was staring at him thoughtfully, her head resting on her hand.
“What?"
Scully looked at the floor. "Nothing. Carry on. FOX."
*********
Scully and Spender led Mulder into the warehouse. Spender gestured to a small circle of chairs in the centre of the room. As Mulder sat down, the room brought back images of the last time he was there, when
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Scully shut her eyes. "I really don't need reminding Mulder."
Mulder shrugged.
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Scully looked at her watch, restlessly pacing up and down. "They're late." She stopped and turned to Spender. " I think you should check up on them. Go and see if they're outside." Spender nodded and headed out the door.
As soon as the two were alone, Scully rushed to Mulder in a wild panic. "Mulder you've got to help me!" Her voice was a desperate whisper. "I'm stuck in one of your freaking weird dreams, and I'd like to get out if you wouldn't mind! Seeing as you're the one who dreams these things then maybe you can-"
"Wait! Scully, I…" He shook his head in frustration. "I can't believe you still think this is a dream! You're here! You can see it for yourself! Doesn't it all seem too vivid to you? Too real?"
"Mulder there is nothing real about Spender in a skirt, about me wearing his clothes, about… THIS!" She grabbed her pigtails and shook them violently.
"Okay, so, even if this IS a dream, what makes you think it's MY dream?"
"Because you're the one who had a weird dream like this before!"
"Scully I told you, it WASN'T A DREAM!"
Scully sighed, frustrated. "Mulder I just-"
She was interrupted by the return of Mini-skirt Man.
"They're on their way," he said, pulling up a chair next to Mulder and not quite crossing his legs quickly enough. Mulder winced.
"Would you mind telling me exactly what we're here for?" Mulder asked, a little afraid of the answer.
Spender looked at Scully, who took a deep breath before answering. "Skinner briefed us before we got here."
"Skinner?"
"He wants to conduct an experiment to improve relationships between FBI agents. Apparently, recent studies have shown that federal agents who are romantically involved stand a much better chance of solving cases together."
"What… kind of experiment?"
Spender fumbled nervously with the collar of his blouse.
Scully strode to a cupboard in the corner of the room and took a large paper bag from the top shelf. She sat back down and emptied the contents onto the floor.
Mulder frowned at the green glass bottle and small sheet of paper. "What is this, Spin the Bottle?"
Scully and Spender looked at the floor, their faces solemn.
Mulder leaped from the chair, slowly backing away. "Oh, oh-ho no." Mulder waved his hands in disapproval.
**********
"Is this one of your fantasies, Mulder? To play Spin the Bottle with your fellow colleagues at the FBI?"
"It wasn't my idea."
"No seriously Mulder, are you pulling my leg?"
"No! I'm absolutely serious! You should know, you were there!"
"I give up…"
**********
Scully's cell phone cut through the fog of embarrassment. "Scully. Uh-huh… okay Sir." She put her phone back in her pocket.
"What's going on?" Spender queried.
"They're caught in traffic. There's some… Sesame Street Festival, or something…"
Mulder flinched.
"Skinner said go to Plan B, whatever that is. He said you'd know."
"Ah, Plan B. Of course." He got up from the chair. "Will you excuse me, I have to make a phone call." Once again, he left the room.
"Mulder!" Scully whispered.
"Look, Scully, I really can't get you out of this. I have no control over it, whether it's a dream or not."
The door swung open.
"Frohike, Byers and Langley!" Mulder yelled loudly.
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"Naturally."
**********
The three men frowned, apparently not recognising the two agents that sat in front of them.
Spender followed behind the trio, also confused. "Actually, it's Domingo, Carerras and Pavarotti. The Three Tenors. They're here to perform some opera - you know, get you in the mood." He winked.
**********
"The Lone Gunmen," Scully began slowly, "As the Three Tenors. Yet you STILL refuse to believe that this is a dream…"
"I'm not convinced, Scully. I told you, it's highly likely everyone was drugged to make him or her forget what happened to them. C'mon we've seen that before."
"So how come YOU remember it all? Why weren't YOU drugged?"
"I'm not sure about that one yet." He picked up the drink Scully gave him which was now cold, and made an effort to sip it.
"Come on Mulder! Can't you see what's going on here? It couldn't be simpler! YOU had the dream, therefore that's why YOU remember it and no one else does!"
"I still don't agree. But before we get all Jerry Springer," he grimaced and placed the mug back on the table. "Let me finish my story..."
**********
The three men began setting up a stage, large speakers and two microphone stands. Mulder noticed that Frohike had grown a significantly larger beer gut, almost popping the buttons on his shirt. He put it down to Frohike wanting to resemble his idol best he could.
As they took their positions, Mulder leaned towards Scully, muttering, "Since when do opera singers play drums?"
Scully's eyes widened as she too noticed the shiny drum kit gracing the corner of the stage.
Frohike spoke first. "Uh, this is a number we wrote way back on tour. I hope you like it." He gave a cheesy grin.
They began.
Scully's face screwed up as if she was under the dentist's drill, and Mulder mirrored her reaction. He focused on Langley, beating the hell out of the drums, his golden wavy hair dancing high above his shoulders. Suddenly his eye caught sight of something. On the edge of the stage, near Langley's tapping feet, was a small electronic device, attached to the stage with bulldog clips. He pointed it out to Scully.
Scully squinted to see the object clearly. "I think it's a camera…"
They clapped at the end of the first piece, keeping up the facade.
As the second piece began, the stage was suddenly awash with background dancers draped in lavish flamenco costumes.
Scully sat up abruptly. "Mulder is that…?"
Mulder followed her gaze and sat back in shock, his jaw wide open. "DIANA?"
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"Mulder why does Diana always have to come into this?"
"Do I detect a hint of jealousy, Scully?"
"I just wondered how she fits into it all…"
Mulder leaned closer to Scully. "How would I know? I mean, it WAS only a DREAM," he replied, mockingly.
Scully folded her arms. "Please continue."
**********
"I think we need to give the camera what it wants," Mulder declared suddenly, snapping his fingers an excessive six times.
"I'm not following."
"We have to… you know…" His voice trailed off and he turned away from Scully awkwardly
Scully craned her neck, trying to catch his eye. "Have to what, Mulder? Spit it out."
Mulder sighed, finally mumbling, "We have to look like we're getting CLOSER.
**********
"This is ridiculous…"
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"Oh… OH. Well, I uh… That could work."
"Put your hand on my knee."
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"Put my HAND, on your KNEE?"
"Oh come on Scully don't pretend you weren't flattered."
**********
Mulder looked at Scully, and then at his knee.
She sighed, hesitantly obliging. "I'm really starting to hope this IS a dream," she muttered under her breath.
Mulder moved closer to Scully and stiffly extended an arm around her shoulders, hoping the nervousness didn't show on camera. Despite her apparent uncomfortableness, he sensed she was secretly enjoying the atten
*********
"Oh, I DOUBT it!"
"Scully I've known you for over six years now. When you get horny I know about it."
"MULDER!"
"So anyway…"
**********
Spender came back in the room and saw the meagre effort they were making. "Ah come on you're gonna have to do better than that! They'll be here soon." Mulder and Scully exchanged glances. "This isn't Kindergarten you know." He left the room once more.
Scully watched him leave. "Does he have a bladder problem?"
"Scully I've got an idea."
"Do I wanna hear it?"
"In all likeliness, no, but I think it's the only way out of this."
Just as he heard footsteps approaching the door, he clutched Scully's neck, much to her alarm, and gave one last nervous sigh before lunging forward and moulding his lips to hers.
"Mul-mmph!"
**********
"And this was the ONLY way you could think of to solve this?"
"I didn't think we had any other options. What would you have done?"
"I don't know, something a little more productive and a great deal less inappropriate?”
"Well it seemed to work, as I soon found out…"
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"Here they-" Spender stood open-mouthed, Skinner not far behind him.
Skinner grinned satisfactorily. "Spender, I'm promoting you… JANITOR SPENDER!"
"Uh, I… yes sir… thank you…" He could barely tear his eyes off the pair as they went for gold
Mulder broke the kiss, looking more than a little embarrassed. One of Scully's pigtails had slid halfway down her head, and her lipstick was smudged over her face. And Mulder's, for that matter. He did his best to flatten his ruffled hair. "Uh, sir? Could we go now?"
"Please." The grin on Skinner's face was unmistakable.
As the two agents arrived back at
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"Wait, that's it?"
"…"
"MULDER…"
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Scully stopped in front of Spender as they neared the door, Skinner beaming proudly at his grade A student. She asked, "Hey Spender, when do I get my clothes back?"
"Oh, right, yeah…"
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…
…
“Mulder? What is it? Why did you stop?"
"Scully, I-"
"Mulder I really think at this point there's little you could say that would shock me.”
Mulder sighed.
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"Oh, right, yeah… Actually," Spender turned to Mulder. "I prefer your suit to mine. How about it Agent Mulder?"
"How about… what exactly?"
"We do a swap. You and me."
"You want me to wear THAT?" He gestured to Scully's clothes.
Scully sniggered, covering her mouth.
Spender sighed impatiently. "Let me help you make your decision."
Suddenly Scully gasped. "Mulder…!"
Mulder followed Scully's gaze and looked down to see he was no longer wearing any trousers.
"Holy…" He slapped his hands down instinctively, his cheeks a delicate pink. He looked up to
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“Scully, stop laughing. Why do you always find this funnier than I do?"
"I'm sorry Mulder, I…" She cleared her throat. "I'm sorry. Continue, please."
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He looked up to see Spender still wearing Scully's beige blouse and jacket, now with Mulder's trousers.
"I guess it's skirt or nothing, then." Spender remarked with an air of coolness.
"Yes, yes! Okay! Whatever, just…"
Within seconds Mulder's hairy legs were protruding from Scully's beige skirt like some surrealist painting.
"Scully let's get out of here."
Scully stood looking at Mulder's legs, half-disgusted, half-delighted.
"…SCULLY?"
"Yes, sorry. Let's go."
As they walked through the doorway and headed down the alley, Scully turned to Mulder. "You sure do have strange dreams, Mulder."
"Makes the alien conspiracies look not so bad, huh?" he joked.
There was a long pause before Scully spoke again. "You know something."
"Hm?"
"You're quite a good kisser, Mulder."
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"You made that up!"
“Did I, Scully? Did I?”
**********
Mulder turned to her as they continued down the long and winding path. "Hey, Scully?"
"Yeah?"
"Even if it turns out this isn't a dream, we don't have to tell anyone about this… do we? I mean, it's problematic."
"I would say of all the unbelievable things we've tried to convince people about, this tops it. So no, I think it would be unwise."
They were drained. It had been a long… whatever, and their feet, minds and sanity needed a rest.
"Hey Mulder?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you think we could change clothes now?"
"Really? I was starting to enjoy the through breeze."
Slowly, they stood back to back and slipped back into their own attire. He grasped her hand, and they walked back home together, under the fading gleam of the moon.
**********
"That's quite a contented ending for you, Mulder. I'm surprised."
"Yeah, well. I owed it to you after that."
She smiled back at him.
"You still think it's a dream?" he asked.
"Without a doubt."
"Okay, so…" Mulder reached into his shirt pocket. "How come I have this?" He unfolded a glossy leaflet displaying three peculiar looking men in suits. It read, ‘Is your workforce unmotivated? Are they lacking pizzazz? Put some fire in your firm! Ring the Three Tenors on 555-FROHIKE for a decision you won't regret!'
Scully passed the flyer back to Mulder and crossed her feet on the coffee table. "I've been working with you for way too long."
"You still have the wand, right?"
"Top drawer, by the TV."
Mulder walked over to the drawer and placed the leaflet next to Krycek's wand. As he slid it shut, he wondered what the next addition would be.