Work Text:
Fox Mulder's Office, 12:05pm
Scully sat at her computer, typing up the previous day’s notes, an exercise that had become one of redaction. She glanced at her watch.
Finally, the door swung open, and in walked a rather bedazzled Fox Mulder. His hair was windswept and his tie was crooked. And more to the point, it matched. Something was wrong.
"Mulder? Are you okay?"
"I…I…" Mulder looked around the office like he didn't recognise it, as if someone had attacked it with Feng Shui in a deliberate attempt to confuse him.
"Mulder what's wrong?" Scully stood up, concerned.
"I didn't… get any sleep last night, I…"
Scully raised her eyebrows at him. "Go on."
"I…I thought it was a dream, but it seemed so real, well, maybe not real real but… I don't know, vivid somehow…"
"Wanna talk about it?"
Mulder nodded.
**********
He raced along the empty streets, his breath short and his pulse racing. He had to get there. He had to get to the warehouse, to Scully. The streets seemed to become darker as he ran, and it was with a blow the size of Manhattan that he realised he was no longer in his own street, but on some unknown path… no, an alleyway. He stopped, noticing an anomaly in the otherwise natural surroundings.
What the hell is that?
Something stood far in front of him, swaying gently in the breeze. As he cautiously neared it he began to see its features more clearly. It was bigger than he was, kind of furry and yellow, and…
**********
"Bigbird Mulder? You ran into Bigbird," she queried sceptically.
"It was definitely him Scully! Trust me - I had all the books."
She didn't know what was more disturbing; the fact that he thought he saw Bigbird or the fact that he idolised him as a kid.
"So, in light of my new discovery, I carried on running…"
Frowning and stumbling, he continued to hurtle on in a pseudo-drunken state (nothing new), his mind a frantic jumble. He kept turning back, to see if the giant yellow fur-ball was in pursuit. But it merely stayed put, still swaying with the rhythm of the breeze.
Jesus, his life was getting worse. To hell with aliens - now Sesame Street was colonising the planet.
A loud shout broke his thoughts.
"AGENT MULDERRRRR!" The scratchy, hollow voice came from behind him.
"Kry… Krycek…" Mulder muttered, barely able to speak from the running.
"Mulder you know about the truth, don't you?" he asked, also breathless.
"I know they've got Scully."
"Oh yeah, they've got Scully all right…Come with me." Krycek grabbed Mulder's arm, brushing him slightly with the hem of his tutu
**********
"Krycek in a tutu?"
"Apparently he always wears one…"
**********
"Krycek why are you…?"
Krycek traced Mulder's eyes to his frilly ballet skirt.
"What?"
"What the hell is…" he waved his arms around in disbelief, "THAT?" He glared hard, trying to cut through the insanity. But there it was. Krycek's lanky, hairy, goose-pimpled legs descending from a ridiculously stiff pink tutu, like a very last-minute stand-in for Swan Lake.
And his feet. That was the weirdest thing. He had on his usual work shoes, with a tutu. Looking up and down, it was like: Man! Woman! Man! Woman! Man! Woman! Man! Wom
**********
"an! Man! Wom-"
"Mulder, you're side-tracking."
**********
Krycek yelled, "What? I always wear it! Come on, there's no time!"
Mulder shook his head, trying to knock out an answer to this madness. So there they went, two grown men running down the road, one in a (rather fetching) tutu.
"We're
**********
"You found it fetching?"
"It was cute. Nice material. Smooth lace. Actually it would look quite nice on you if you were to-"
"MULDER…"
"Yeah so anyway…"
**********
"We're here."
Mulder and Tutu-Boy stood in front of a shabby, decaying, presumably abandoned (isn't it always) warehouse.
"This is it? This is where Scully and the aliens are?"
"Who said anything about aliens?"
Mulder frowned and pushed in front of Krycek, bursting through the door.
When they left the warehouse
**********
"Hey, hey wait a minute Mulder, you didn't tell me what happened inside the warehouse."
"Ohhh you don't- you don't want me to tell you that, I-"
"MULDER…"
**********
The warehouse was dimly lit, and all that existed in the large open room was a few scattered chairs. Birds sat tweeting at one another on
**********
"Get to the point, Mulder."
He drew in a sharp breath.
**********
There, in the centre of the room was a happy couple engaged in the Tango, passionately compressed against one another as they danced, their eyes burning into the wall as they approached it like a fierce battering ram, hammering their feet into the floor.
It was then that he realised mmm… hmmm… uhuhuh… uhuh ahahaha A HA HA
**********
"HA HA… HEHEH…"
"…Mulder?"
"HUH HUH HUH!" Mulder threw his head back as he chuckled. "I'm sorry Scully I… it's just… uhuh… huh huh…" Mulder turned, avoiding her glance. His body was trembling uncontrollably. He grabbed a flyer from the desk and shielded his face.
"MULDER!" Scully snatched the flyer.
"I'm sorry Scully, it's just the thought of you and Skinner-"
"WHAT! Me and SKINNER! Mulder have you gone absolutely INSANE?" she scrunched the flyer into a ball and volleyed it into the bin before perching on the desk.
"I WAS NOT THE ONE PLAYING STRICTLY BALLROOM WITH THE ASSISTANT DIRECTOR." Mulder pursed his lips in disapproval. A moment passed and he softened, speaking gently. "It was definitely you and him, Scully," he began, as if he were breaking some bad news. He sat next to her on the desk and leaned close, placing an arm around her shoulders. He had turned serious now, and sighed before whispering gently, "It was him. It couldn't have been anyone else. I recognised his bald head shimmering in the light…"
She lashed out, swiping him a back-hander.
**********
Mulder ducked out of sight behind a conveniently placed table and continued to observe, in the name of science.
The music stopped.
Scully craned her neck to look up at Walter, smiling contentedly, his expression mirroring hers. Skinner released himself and sidled over to a chair. He sank into it, exhausted. There were large beads of sweat forming on his shiny head.
Scully walked over to the chair as Skinner patted his lap, beckoning her to sit with him. She smiled willingly and plopped satisfactorily onto his tweed trousers. Mulder gaped at the sight as Scully proceeded to wrap her arms around his neck and initiate a game of tonsil tennis. He had a firm grip on her behind as she stroked and caressed the broad domain of skin above his glasses. As Mulder watched, they became more involved in their passion, becoming breathless and
**********
"Okay Mulder I think that's more than I need to know. I can't believe you just stood there and watched!"
"Well I couldn't do much else, I- I didn't wanna interrupt. I always knew you kids would get together. Not exactly like that, but…. I knew," he declared proudly, with a sly wink.
Scully folded her arms across her chest. "Okay we can skip that part. Carry on."
"Are you sure you don't want me to tell you about when he reached-"
"NO."
**********
Mulder left the warehouse with Tutu Boy, closing the door carefully, as the music could no longer conceal its squeak.
"So you see Mulder, you're powerless to stop it. Nobody can. Men have tried, but-"
"What are you talking about?"
"The force, of course!"
"…Force?"
"You just saw an example of it in there!" He pointed to the warehouse. "Don't tell me you can't see what's going on right in front of your eyes!" He stretched his eyelids open with his fingertips. Mulder flinched.
"But-"
"You mean all along you thought this was a straightforward case of aliens and UFOs?"
"Well, I…"
"God, Mulder you need to work on your investigation skills.” He breathed an impatient sigh. Speaking like he had said it a hundred times, he murmured, “The aliens induced a disease into the American population in the form of a Black Oil-"
"You mean that's a love potion?!"
"Yeah what did you think it was? A life-threatening virus? Oh Mulder you're killing me… haha… ha…"
**********
"Okay so now you're telling me that Krycek actually laughed."
"…Well, it was kind of a… little snort, y'know…"
**********
*Snort*
"So if this is more than alien colonisation, what's with all the abductions?"
That impatient sigh again. "They abduct people to extract their hormones for the potion. The luuurve juices" He looked up at Mulder, who had stopped walking in order to digest this new information, his hands pressing tightly on his temples. Krycek looked around, surveying the area for any eavesdroppers, then whispered, "Hey, you know E.B.Es?"
"Extra Biological Entities," Mulder answered confidently.
"Nope, just a code name. Stands for Extra Bodily Excitement."
"You're kidding me…" Mulder mumbled back.
"Let me show you another example… Come with me." He fumbled in his pink fluffy handbag for
*********
"A pink fluffy handbag?"
"Did I not mention the handbag? Now that would not suit you…"
"But the tutu would?"
"Let's continue the story…"
**********
He fumbled frantically in his handbag. "Where's that goddamn wand…" He suddenly looked upwards at the sky, wildly yelling, "You told me I could get a new WAND! To hell with you!"
Mulder stepped backwards, suddenly afraid of Krycek and his diva’s ego.
"Ah here it is. Good. Let's go." He tapped the wand, first on his head, then Mulder's.
**********
"Mulder, besides Sesame Street did you happen to be a fan of cliché-ridden fairy tales?"
**********
The next thing he knew, Mulder was in the street again. He sighed with relief.
Until he realised it was a different street.
Diana's street.
**********
"Oh Lord. This just gets better and better...”
**********
"Why are we here?"
"We're here to see Diana."
"Diana who?"
*********
"'Diana who'?!"
"Well I had to at least pretend!"
**********
"Diana Fowley.”
A contrasting voice cut through the air. “Your chickadee, remember?"
Mulder spun around. "FROHIKE?"
"Hey Mulder, Krycek. Nice seeing ya - gotta go."
And with that, he jumped on a nearby motorcycle and sped off into the distance.
"Could this possibly get any worse…" Mulder murmured.
"Mulder come with me."
He looked at Krycek gingerly. "Do I have to?"
"I wanna show you another example of the effects of this drug."
Krycek led Mulder round to the back of the house.
"Couldn't we just be civil and use the door?"
"Shh- they'll hear you." He whispered back.
"They?"
"Look." Krycek gestured to the nearby window. In the middle of what looked like the sitting room stood Diana, her arms wrapped around someone's neck as they kissed passionately. She was wearing a dangerously short miniskirt and cream blouse; her jacket had been flung on the sofa beside them. Mulder squinted to identify the man that stood facing her, his hands supporting her waist tightly and smoothing her hair.
Mulder's curiosity was at last satisfied as the man drew back from a devouring kiss. Mulder almost choked on his own air as a puff of smoke rose from between the two people.
"Oh my God! The Smoking Man?"
"The very same."
**********
Scully glared at Mulder in shock. "But Diana and the Smoking Man?"
"Scully I'm just as shocked as you are." He sighed, thoughtful. "This drug is obviously effective."
"Oh no Mulder you're not telling me you actually believe this crazy dream of yours! It's a dream Mulder - it's not real! It's just your mind playing tricks. You're confused because of everything that's happened to you." She placed a supportive hand on his arm.
"Oh come on Scully, cut it with scientific crap for a moment, will you? Anyway, you haven't heard the rest of the story."
*********
Mulder's mouth moved frantically as he searched for the words. "How long has this been going on?"
"Long enough. Skinner tried to stop it."
"You mean Skinner knew?" he stuttered.
"Oh yeah. He has his secrets, Fox. Can I call you Fox?"
"Yeah whatever… So how many people have been affected by this drug? Like, the whole bureau?"
"Not all of them. Just some. For experimental porpoises."
“Porp…”
"They're guinea pigs." His eyes darted back and forth with paranoia. “Prawns in the game.”
“Prawns…”
Something struck Mulder as they walked away, back down the street. "Hey wait a minute…"
"Hm?"
"How come we're not affected?"
Krycek stopped walking as he reached a nearby car. "Here. Get in." He held open the door as Mulder hesitated slightly, then thought what the hell, I've come this far.
**********
"Mulder why do I get a bad feeling about this…?"
**********
Krycek climbed in the driver's side and slumped into the seat. Mulder watched him inquisitively as he gazed dreamily through the windscreen.
"Krycek I don't wanna rush you after all you've told me, but you know I really should be getting-"
Before Mulder could finish, Krycek was reaching for his neck and hungrily, urgently wetting his lips.
**********
"God, Mulder! What is wrong with you?" She eyed him closely. "I mean, are you trying to tell me something here? 'Cause there are better ways!"
"Scully I'd never run so fast in my whole damn life, I…" he stopped, noticing Scully quivering slightly, a grin quickly escaping her face. "Scully are you- are you laughing at me?"
She inhaled sharply. "No Mulder I'm not laughing, I… I'm sorry Mulder, it's just…" Scully grabbed the flyer from the bin.
"Oh I'm glad you're able to derive some amusement from all of this."
Scully pulled herself together, returning to her frustration. "Mulder, really- how many times do I have to remind this was JUST A DREAM! Why are you making such a big deal out of all this?"
"Scully I've had my fair share of weird dreams. But this one was different somehow. It was so real, so lifelike. You just don't wanna believe it because of what happened. It's okay to admit that, Scully."
Scully’s eyes rolled.
A thought struck Mulder. "No… hey no actually you probably wouldn't remember any of it. Because of the drug."
"Oh how convenient…" Scully mumbled.
"You know what, I'm done trying convince you. I'm going home."
"I'm gonna finish up here. And Mulder?" Mulder turned back. "No more cheese."
Mulder nodded and left the room.
Scully began gathering the loose sheets of paper on the desk. Just as she put them in a perspex folder, Mulder cocked his head around the door.
"Hey Scully, I think Skinner's alone in his office." He grinned.
Mulder sighed as he got into his car. Maybe she's right. Maybe I should lay off the cheese puffs.
He reached for his phone on the seat next to him while his other hand turned the ignition.
But that didn't feel like a phone.
He slowly turned to see what his hand was clasped around.
Sure.
There on the seat, like some bloody murder weapon, was that very fetching wand Mulder had seen in Krycek's hand only moments ago.
"SCULLAAAYYYYYYYYYY!"