Archive of Our Own ^beta

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his silky white shirt is swinging nonchalantly on his body, now well covered by sweat. there's a lot of people here, is his main realisation, as much as he is able to form a thought with the alcohol messing up in his system.

they are at a club after all, after months of begging coming from soobin.

the music is loud, almost hurting his ear drums, it's overwhelming, a whole pile of people brushing his body recklessly, the smell of sweat, alcohol, some perfumes and cigarettes. it's not his favourite place in the world, it wouldn't make it close to being favourite, but soobin made sure that he could enjoy their night out. even if it meant to completely drown beomgyu in vodka. but what mattered was that it worked.

beomgyu was dancing somewhere in the pit of people, humming to music, his initial hessistancy and awkwardness seemingly leaving his body. now he is showing off his skills in that department, his body moving effortlessly, with the defined precission and well, it was hot. even to soobin, who's pretty asexual when it comes to beomgyu, because firstly he is not gay, and secondly, beomgyu is his bestfriend.

soobin is having a great fun too, dancing with random people, drinking at the bar, but not keeping his eye out of beomgyu. and well, he is noticed by a lot of people too. soobin can notice how they glance at him, almost in awe, and he can't blame them. beomgyu now looks like some type of fucked up sex god, with his muscles working perfectly to the rhytm of music, even in the specific lighting of a club, which seems to even point out his fine defined body.

soobin can't help but have the thought in the head, that they would never believe what beomgyu was like on the daily basics. even he struggled to understand how alcohol made him so different, so brave, so confident, so fuckable. yeah, he just had to admit that finally and move on, because it wouldn't let him enjoy his night out.

there was this feeling, that he really missed beomgyu. obviously, he wasn't gone, but at the same point, he was. 

now it's guilty by taemin playing on the club speakers, everyone seeming to know the lyrics by heart, dancing sexily to the rhytm of the music. a lot of people screaming in excitment over their favourite song, raising their arms in almost something that could be considered exstacy. beomgyu seemed excited too, showing even more precission in his moves, almost like he was taemin himself.

but soobin's mouth drop wide open just now.

out of nowhere, there is another person that appears next to beomgyu. without any invitation, he starts dancing with him, and well, it's sensual to say at least. he is rolling his lower body, exposing his toned stomach, locking his eyes with beomgyu's. soobin's best friend get's the memo and somehow syncs with him, them moving so on point like they actually trained this choreography for months straight. never in his life he would suspect beomgyu to get so over his awkwarness and just almost throw his ass back on a stranger.

but the stranger was hot, that was an important factor too. he was even a tad taller than beomgyu, his cole black hair now a little sweaty, exposing his forehead and mersmerising eyes, as much as soobin was able to see over a big pile of people. he was wearing a crop top, even more slutty than whatever beomgyu was wearing, his pants low, exposing the band of his boxers.

there are people around them cheering on them, just like they can feel the heatness come into them aswell. but just before the last chorus, their faces get alarmily close, and in what felt like a second in soobin's mind, they kissed. they fucking kissed.

it was almost obscene, how their tongues met in such an agressive way, so needy of each others. what felt like soobin's first and only instinct was to bring his phone from his pocket and record the whole thing, which by the way was incredibly long too. beomgyu kissed with the stranger almost like he was the love of his life, or at least some well awaited object of desire. but no, it was just a stranger, some random boy, well objectively hot, but still, wasn't that a little extreme?

when they pulled away, beomgyu smiled in his face with a smile that soobin hasn't seen from him in a good while. after they pulled away, they stared at each other intensively for a second too. and if it wasn't katharstic enough for someone's liking, the stranger is just placing a hot, absurdly wet kiss on beomgyu's collarbone and it instantly shows in a form of a deep purple bruised hickey. fucking hell, soobin thinks.

then in soobin's mind, it all became a little blurry. he couldn't recall the day later on how they separated from each other, but the next memory he has is him walking with beomgyu to their flat, beomgyu totally wasted, but holding a smile so unfamiliar with him. his hand was on soobin's shoulder, begging for some stabilisation that his drunk body couldn't provide to him. but all soobin could feel was that sadly known feeling of a bandage material rubbing against his exposed skin.

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"i did what?"

beomgyu was sitting on his bed, blanket wrapped carefully all around him. soobin just now brought him a hot tea and slowly started unfolding the secret's of yesterday's life. and well, when it came to that crucial point, it was quite an unbearable discovery for poor beomgyu. he was back to his usual self, his stare pale, almost blank. he looked way smaller than he did yesterday, at least in soobin's mind.

"well, you know, i have a video if you're not sure about my words-"

"no, don't show me any videos." beomgyu cutted soobin's sentence like a knife.

"do you mind to see a mirror maybe?" soobin starts, dropping yet the most ridiculous news to beomgyu. he stares in dissbelief, looking at a bruise on his collarbone. he gives soobin a disgusted face, almost like he was the one to make him one.

"yeah, i get it. but you had fun, you see? maybe you don't remember much but i can confirm you had a blast yesterday" soobin told him with a grin written on his face.

"i had fun because i was wasted, but yeah. whatever. it's not like i will ever see him again." he shrugged after a second.

"i mean i wouldn't be so happy about it, he was really hot. and he looked at you like he fell in love instantly." soobin justified. beomgyu looked at him and rolled his eyes dramatically.

"i think he would quickly regret it if he had known me at least a little bit."

soobin laughed at him, his laughter more coming out from a kindness, not because it was funny. his eyes shifted to beomgyu's arm uncontrolably, firmly covered by a bandage. his expression paled and gained some strictness, as he gently pulled beomgyu by his hand. there weren't much needed words, as soobin smoothly unwrapped his bandage, once again, getting flashed by the sight of crusty blood, some scars and sadly, even more disturbing wounds with stitches attached to them. it wasn't a shocking discovery, obviously;

but it always left soobin's mouth dry, as he somehow managed to wish that those scars, and this life of beomgyu's would dissapear, turning into something better, more beautiful.

this all check up was something that came after their long negotiations, soobin coming with the idea as he really wanted to have some physical control over beomgyu, or at least on aftercare of his actions.

"i think you should get those stitches off soon. maybe even today?"

beomgyu shrugged, almost like he didn't care at all what was to happen to him.

"alright. do you feel fine? any numbness? i will touch gently" soobin warned him quietly. "so?" beomgyu nodded his head as a no, moving his fingers freely.

it was always more than just checking up for beomgyu. it was the shame that came with it, him being so vulnerable, so showing, so willing to just expose his darkest thoughts in a way that was uncontrolable. his eyes were wandering everywhere apart from soobin and his own wrist. soobin was just supposed to get to another point on his arm, when the bell on their dorm let out a sound. beomgyu's body stiffened in second, showing a distressed face.

"it's just hueningkai i think. wait, let me wrap it up."

so he did wrap the bandage back, knowing more than anyone that beomgyu couldn't show off like this. mostly because he himself was the only person aware of his problems and hueningkai, as much as was one of closests friends, couldn't be welcomed in that door.

"so, how was the party?"

the voice echoed in the hallway, making the whole house aware that it was in fact hueningkai, bringing some iced americano and a smile with him. he instantly rushed over to beomgyu's room, who was now sitting peacefully in a loose hoodie, hiding everything that he had in him. he forced a smile, so unnatural to him, but still, convincing to everyone around.

"it was fine. i got pretty drunk though, so don't shout so loud in my ear, buddy." he welcomed him, making a disgusted face in his direction. hueningkai laughed at him and placed next to him, wrapping his arm around his shoulder.

"that's new. any girls, any hook ups, anything?"

"no. no, no." beomgyu protested with his hands, looking up at soobin.

soobin was a piece of shit sometimes, but now when it came to beomgyu.

"yup, we are well behaved, no sharing kisses or anything. catching a hiv wouldn't be worth it, right?" soobin answered their friend, his face exposing some teasing in beomgyu's direction, but it wasn't like hueningkai could pick up any of this.

"so boring, i was expecting some thrilling stories. why did i even bother to come here, then?"

"it's not like any of us invited you, right?" beomgyu played back, but patted hueningkai's shoulder. they all shared a loud laugh. "but since you're here i wouldn't mind you making a breakfast."

"you're kidding? i brought you a coffee and you expect me to serve you? are you a princess?" he asked teasingly, but beomgyu nodded.

but the truth was, that he was in fact a princess. maybe not literally, but it was some kind of that conglomation. there were days where soobin would do anything for him, when it was rough and even making it out of bed would be considered a suicide. so yes, in fact soobin would make him a breakfast or even help him bathe.

at first, getting through that was even harder for beomgyu, but after some time, soobin made it very clear that he would rather do that than watch him die.

"alright, since you are all so unwilling, i will make the breakfast. have you eaten, kai?" soobin offered himself up finally, standing up.

"i did, but who am i to decline an offer like this?"

soobin smiled at him and left the room. when the doors closed behind him, he left out a soft sigh. if things could be so easy as they are on outside, how they are when everyone else is around. his head was burning as he was preparing the eggs, not because he was hungover, but because of beomgyu.

just seeing him like this, having fun, made him miss something that he probably never really witnessed anyway. but if he were to dream up a happy beomgyu, it would be how it could play out. them going clubbing, kissing random people, laughing about it and sharing with kai the juiciest gossips known to a man.

in this perfect life, there wouldn't be checking up on cutted wrists, debating on when to take the stitches out; there wouldn't be days where he wondered if he is coming home to him, or his cold body. he loved him, he really did, with his whole heart. no matter how much beomgyu would decline this, saying that he really doesn't know him, soobin is pretty sure that he does know.

maybe he can't tell on how real laugh from beomgyu sounds like, or how he acts like when he's silly, he can see beomgyu's heart in his own hands. maybe it's a little wounded, but it is still his. and soobin held on to that hope that one day he will really be let to know him, when the things won't be so rough and complicated.

as soobin was decorating the plates, he was hearing some laughs from hueningkai, some muttered words from beomgyu and he couldn't help but let his heart grow. if he could spend another life in a way he truly wanted, he would just sit down in distance and watch beomgyu being happy.

"what, are you a fucking masterchef?"

hueningkai's sudden words pulled him out of his mind, one of the eggs being absurdly sprinkled with pepper. his friend laughed at that sight, so it was decided already, that it's soobin who is eating this one. but they spend the rest of the morning talking about less important things, mentioning some people from the club, but none of them even spit out a single word about the unknown man beomgyu had met.

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and not long later beomgyu and soobin are sitting peacefully in the hospital's hallway, beomgyu's legs swinging nervily from the chair. he is not bothered or scared about the pain, but it's their first time here. usually they take a different place to treat beomgyu, but this time, they had to change the location because of some missfortunes.

it's the thought of explaining it all over again, possibly meeting with unkind glances and mean remarks from the doctor.

"do you want me to go in with you?" soobin finally suggested, seeing beomgyu's distress wash all over him.

"no, i can handle it. just don't go anywhere, okay?"

soobin nodded like it was an order, not like a request it in fact was. and not longer after the doors finally opened. and that's when soobin let out the loudest gasp, almost causing everyone to look at him. beomgyu looks at him confused, seeing everyone and the doctor to look in their direction.

the doctor. this fucking doctor, soobin thinks.

"choi yeonjun, you're the one we are helping out today, right?" he smiles at beomgyu's direction, offering his hand.

choi yeonjun. choi yeonjun. choi fucking yeonjun. choi yeonjun as in a man that beomgyu was making out with yesterday. soobin's mind is spiralling right there and he looks at him still. what are the chances?  he calculates what to do. well, he has a second, because choi yeonjun completely ignores his existence and just takes beomgyu to his office.

"take a sit, as i see in the report, taking the stitches out? why did you get them?" the doctor asked, looking peacefully at the paper in his hands.

beomgyu barely swallow a lump down his throat.

"wound. i mean, um, a wound, yeah." he answers in the most awkward way possible.

choi yeonjun smiles at him and take a sit against him, slowly unwrapping his bandage. that's the moment of truth, beomgyu thinks. it's the moment for that disgusted face, doctor. it's the time to look at me differently. but to his surprise, yeonjun just glances at his arm for a second, nod more to himself and look at the specific wound that had stitches.

"when did you get that done?"

"like two weeks ago, maybe. i mean we don't really know, soobin- my friend, he just assumed it's ready to be taken out." he mumbled, hitting himself in his head for acting so stupid.

"so soobin should be a doctor then, because that's well enough to be taken out. i will do it then, hm?" yeonjun hummed softly, smilling gently. why was he so gentle with me?

beomgyu only nods, mentally getting prepared for the pain. it's not like he had much right to fear pain, since most of his could be avoided if he just didn't cut himself, but well, he still pretended to care about it. yeonjun took out his stuff from the drawer and leaned himself in. beomgyu would suspect it to be quiet ten minutes of work, but yeonjun for sure has different methods.

"are you studying anything?" he asked, still uterly focused on his work.

"yeah, art in new media. i know, nothing compared to real college."

"don't say that, art is cool too. do you play any instruments?" yeonjun answers him, slowly deataching the first stitch.

"i play guitar, a little bit of the piano, but you know, not the mozzart of our times." he says softly, getting more focused on talking then on pain that yeonjun is causing him.

"i play guitar too. i mean i have like ten seconds a day to do it, but i sometimes play for the patients in the intensive care. i used to play for the patients in the hospice too, when i was back in college." yeonjun said, seeming so interested in the conversation.

but his moves were slick, fast and delicate at the same time. it's like he was focused on beomgyu, but not only to the wound, but also to the little talk they were having at the moment. it was weird to beomgyu. weird in an unusual way. he was often waved with questions about his cutting tendencisies from doctors, them not bothering to know him obviously.

"i used to be a volunteer in hospice, but it was too sad for me as i was like fifteen, maybe. there was this old lady that died and i almost went through the whole grief. i've known her for two weeks, maybe." beomgyu opened up, his mind now visualising those times.

"that's good, though. you're fragile, that's a good trait. we are almost done. any discomfort other than the nonavoidable one?"

"no, i'm fine. you talked me through it all, so i didn't even focus on the pain." beomgyu smiled shyly, not sure if he is not dragging it out too much.

but yeonjun returned a smile, for a brief second looking up at him, to return the smile straight to his face.

"yeah, it works much better if the patient is kept busy. but you see, it's all set now. it should heal itself from now, since you helped it enough already. everything will be fine, i think." he says after a second, laughing softly for the last part of the sentence.

"you think?" beomgyu repeats after him.

"you know, i've been a doctor for like two months, so you never know with me." yeonjun answers, giving beomgyu the most serious glance. "i'm joking, i'm joking. i mean i am a doctor for like two months, but i'm sure there's nothing to worry about."

beomgyu nods, wrapping up a fresh bandage that the doctor offered him. he is all set, ready to leave, already bowed in yeonjun's direction. just when he is about to touch the doors, yeonjun says something, that he can't truly get a grip of, what it was.

"sorry?"

"beomgyu. that thing on your neck. if you want to get over it faster, you should put a warm compress on it, instead of ice. you know, if for any way it was done by someone dumb."

beomgyu looks at him, dissbelieved once again. how does he knows it? i mean he is aware that the hickey is visible, but how does he knows how it was made? but finally, after an initial confusion, he smiles in his direction and nods.

"and also, if you ever need a mental support, i have some good therapist's to offer. not to step in your life or anything, i'm sure what you do works well too, but i could manage a contact or two." he offers with a warm, welcoming smile.

"thank you, i'm going to ask for your number at the reception and give it a thought." beomgyu answers him, still dazed at how kindly yeonjun speaks to him. almost like he is not judging, like almost everyone else.

"no, no, i'm going to give you mine. the reception's one is for everyone, the chances i will answer myself are too low." yeonjun takes out a sticky note and writes some numbers down. "and you know, in case of any emergency, whatever, call me."

beomgyu takes the note and finally leaves, see soobin just as shocked as he was when he first saw choi yeonjun. but obviously, not a single clue in beomgyu's mind. and soobin is still not sure if he should break the news or just let it go. he stands up to catch up with beomgyu, forcing on an encouraging smile, but it comes rigged, almost fearing.

"the fuck is with you?"

"no, no, nothing. i will go to the toilet, would you mind going to the store nearby to buy me some dinner? let's catch up there, hm?" beomgyu shrugs, not really getting soobin, but he is used to his freuqent acting. so he just leaves.

and soobin, well, he takes a deep breath and knock on the doors. he tried, he really tried to not stick his ass up not in his bussiness, but he thinks that he would regret not doing anything for the rest of his life. choi yeonjun opens the doors with a smile, probably expecting beomgyu back again, but when he sees soobin, his face immadietly drop. so he knows, too. he just let him inside, close the doors behind him and smile awkwardly, rubbing the back of his head.

"i'm sorry if i'm totally schizophrenic right now, but are you? you know?" soobin says finally.

"yeah."

"yeah?"

"yeah, i know, this is fucking absurde. " yeonjun let out a chuckle. "i mean, it doesn't seem like beomgyu knows, though?"

"no, i mean, he knows that something like this happened, but not that it's you. what the hell? how are you a doctor and clubbing in the most slutty outfit known to a man on random sunday?" soobin raises his voice, but it's more funny than anything else.

"well, i don't know if i look like i'm sixty, but i'm twenty four. you know, able to have a little bit of fun. aside from that, it now looks like i totally assaulted your friend yesterday, which i deeply apologise for, but he didn't really look this drunk."

soobin raises his eyebrows and breaks the atmosphere with a loud laugh. obviously it wasn't why soobin is here.

"no, no, i didn't think like this. you know, i'm more than happy that beomgyu had fun yesterday. as you, probably can tell now, not the ray of sunshine usually." he told him, smilling awkwardly.

"well, i said it to him already, but if you need a therapist recommendations, i can drop some. is it a trauma responde?"

soobin thinks about it. but he regrets to inform that he doesn't know the answer. he was always like this, at least from the moment their paths were crossed for the first time. and he wishes he could just tell that to choi yeonjun and he could find an easy pill to swallow and help beomgyu, but he is at least aware that it's not in the cards.

"well i think he is just depressed. at least as far as i know. he was overally getting a little better recently, but something must had flicked off in his brain again." soobin sighs loudly. "i know it's seems awful now that i wasted him with vodka, but i just really wanted him to have fun."

the conversation now switches to something deeper, much more conflicated. yeonjun nods his head softly, acting almost like he knows anything about it. soobin feels almost bad for just outing beomgyu's life to a stranger, but beomgyu was the one to shove his tongue back his throat, so he guess it cancels out.

"i'm not judging you at all. well, you know, for my testimony, i really just didn't kiss him to get off to it later, i just thought he was cute and hot. and very attractive." yeonjun shrugs, but cringe a second later by his words.

"but not worth pursuing now, right?"

soobin is not dumb. who would like to involve themself in this already fucked up situation? it's not like there are saviors out this world who would take this much of a responsibility, getting in a relationship with someone on brink of killing himself.

"beomgyu?"

"yeah, i mean, after what you saw and know now, you're not interested anymore?"

yeonjun looks at him dumbly.

"no, i'm still down."

soobin's eyes widen in the most funny way possible and his face is now holding a grin so big it could light the whole world up. just the thought, a possibility, of beomgyu getting in a relationship, getting better, finding love, being happy. well, he was getting carried away. but really, it was nice to think that for a second. yeonjun looks at him confused but later laughs softly.

"so, any chances you might consider getting him, then?"

"well, any chances you might consider if he would be even down in a slightest?" yeonjun mimicks him, but it's kept teaseful. it's a pretty fun view, to see two strangers bond over beomgyu.

"it's like 99% of beomgyu's ideas are far away from being accurate, right? sometimes you have to push him a little, encourage him."

"well, i gave him his number. so if it ever cross his mind, he has all doors open." yeonjun shrugged. "but i doubt it, you know. and anyway, who are you even to work in his favour?"

"soobin." oh yeah, that explains a lot probably. "oh, shit, he is calling me, it's been like fifteen minutes. i told him i'm going to the bathroom, he might think i drowned on the toilet."

yeonjun nods again, but something in his face shows that he is dissapointed that this conversation is heading to it's finish. but well, soobin feels very determined right now, really, really optimistic even though he feels like he might have gone crazy too.

"alright, choi yeonjun, i'm counting on your ass." he says as a goodbye. "i'm not selling you, for now, but you know, your secrets are not safe with me."

and choi yeonjun, now well known choi yeonjun, laughs loudly and waves him off. he wonders, he really wonders now.

⚝⚝⚝

"what was up with you at the doctor?"

beomgyu asks him when they are resting on the couch in the living room, eating some leftover food. and soobin feels so energic that he wants to scream, i just got you a boyfriend! but that might be too much for once. so he just shrugs, trying to come up with a better idea quick.

"nothing much, i was just surprised by the sight of the doctor. you know, hot, tall and young. and a doctor, by the way."

"yeah, that's true. he was really good looking. but i thought you're not of them? gay." beomgyu answers him silently, mocking one of his previous phrases.

"yeah, because i'm not, but what it seems like, you might be. which by the way i have nothing against. just so we put it straight. maybe you could hit him up?" soobin said in the most non suggestive way.

and beomgyu almost chokes on his food, looking at soobin with a pure dissbelieve written on his face. in his top ten the most stupid soobin's sentences, this will take a top one for sure. he might have been not as slick as he thought he was.

"are you like, out of your mind?" is all beomgyu can mutter out of himself.

"why are you so opressed? do you think you're never getting a dick eventually?" soobin justified himself, pouting slightly. and beomgyu is now even more disgusted, showing a face so degradant, soobin feels like dying.

"i don't think it's happening any times soon, that's for sure. and no, i will not hit up on my doctor, because what the fuck? and how would that even work?"

"so you are a little down, since you're asking." soobin shrugged, smiling teasily. "well, do something, find his number, whatever. but don't cut yourself just to go there again, right?"

"i'm to weak to deal with you sometimes. i do have his numbers, but he stated loudly, it's for emergencies. and i think him being hot is not an alarming thing to call over." beomgyu said calmly, trying to yank some senses to soobin.

"it might be if you try hard enough. well, maybe a text?"

"are you, by chance, able to get a point or it just fly across your brain always? why on earth would you think that he could even consider me in those cathegories?" beomgyu asked him, so unaware of everything, soobin almost has to physically bite his tongue.

"because you're good looking too?"

"and i cut my wrists which i feel like kind of defeat my appearance." beomgyu finished his sentence and cut soobin through.

"well, he is a doctor, so i think he has a little bit more objectivness on mental health struggles than your ass do."

soobin said that with a pout, but there was some more seriousness now. he looked at beomgyu for a brief second and cupped his face, his big hands covering almost all of his cheeks. beomgyu look at him confused, not like it's unusual for them, but the timing feels pretty weird.

"you know you're worth of loving, right?"

beomgyu face almost goes pale, and he is sadly unable to answer positively. because no, no chance on earth anyone could fall in love with a wreck of a human like him. he finds that scenario really unrealistic, especially when it came to him. but the way soobin asked so genuinely makes him loose his initial strength, it's almost visible how he softens up after that question.

"just a little text, alright? and if he doesn't answer, we burn him in hell."

and beomgyu nods, more so his body doing it in his favour. he grabs his phone and takes the sticky note out of his pocket. they both stare at the number for a second and click on the phone, choosing a message option.

from beomgyu: hi, it's me, beomgyu. i'm sorry to interrupt you, but thank you for treating me so nice today.

it is the thing they settle for, beomgyu almost throwing up before sending the message. it's crossing his boundaries in every single way, but there is an inch of him that wants to do it. so they send the message, hiding his phone in cushion like a teenager.

but the answers comes shortly, almost ridiculously shortly.

from choi yeonjun: hi, beomgyu!!! don't worry, i'm done with work for today. and don't worry x2, treating you nice was really easy. i wish we could continue our conversation from the office, but i think it wouldn't be pleasant to see you there again - choi yeonjun :)

"such a boomer, signing himself by the end of the message." soobin commented, invested in beomgyu's new life situation.

from beomgyu: but we still can, maybe?

from choi yeonjun: oh, i would love to hear more of your hospice voluuntering stories!!!

"you told him about your hospice gate? no way, holy glory to auntie kim."

beomgyu gives him a face that almost sends shivers down soobin's spine, but he smiles like stupid over his phone, really again, looking like a yearning teenanger. and soobin barely sucks it in him to not cry out of happiness or jump around the house like a monkey. or something.

from choi yeonjun: i'm having a two hours break between 1;15/3;15. if you're free and willing, we can meet in a caffe near the hospital.

soobin almost screams [almost like he wasn't the one that knotted the whole thing by himself and wasn't aware that choi yeonjun is in fact very down]. beomgyu seems pretty energetic about it too, as much as he is able to express such positive emotions. he replies to yeonjun that yes, yes, yes, he is free between those two hours and he will be there no matter what. the rest of the evening is spent over talking about yeonjun, his face, his supposed academic talent and eventually just him all.

and soobin can't brush the thought that beomgyu would kill him if he had known, and he wonder, if he's keeping this secret up to his grave or will it just get spilled eventually.

⚝⚝⚝

and for the next morning, they eat breakfast together, trying to keep rather a nonchalant form in this, but deep inside, both of them are panicking. probably beomgyu should be the only panicked one, but soobin takes this really personally. they dress him up nicely, baggy washed jeans and some hoodie that frames his body in a loosen way. his long, dark hair are extra shiny and overally he looks just like he did when yeonjun had first seen him.

beomgyu keep repeating, it's not a date, it's not a date, but for some reason, it obviously feels like it. it is also really out of a character that beomgyu carries usually, since he would never suspect anything remotevely close to a date happening soon. soobin gives him a theatric kiss on forehead and beomgyu is off to go;

he almost comes home like ten times but he finally is next to that damn caffe and he sees him.

yeonjun is sitting peacefully next to the window, his apron taken off and laying peacefully on the next chair. he is wearing glasses now, his hair are a little brushed back, so his forehead is exposed in the prettiest way possible. he sips on some iced americano and looks through a notebook, possibly a calendar. he is even humming silently to a sound from the radio next to him. beomgyu takes a deep breath.

it's my last chance, or my first actually, but i can't fuck it up.

he approaches yeonjun from behind and he looks up, at first steady, but when he sees it's beomgyu, the smile is written all over him. beomgyu sits down quietly and smiles awkwardly, not really sure how to take this all. maybe he should had taken soobin as his built in pocket friend.

"so, is today going alright?" yeonjun asks him softly, putting his calendar aside.

"yeah, as much as it can. easy day at work? or some fucked up stuff as me?" beomgyu said it so casually, that even he was surprised how treating himself without respect came so easily.

"you're not fucked up i promise. we had people with bottles shoved up their asses in the er. and they swear it has gotten there accidently. but you know, you get used to stuff, it doesn't freak you out."

"i hope so. i mean, i know my message was really out of blue and certainly not an emergency-"

yeonjun shushes him. he puts a finger on top of his plumpy, really nice, lips and smiles. beomgyu feels almost like something has poked his chest without a warning.

"i was really happy to receive a message from you. i even quite hoped for that. but you know, if i were the one to ask, it would be weird, since i am technically your doctor." yeonjun laughed softly and beomgyu couldn't help but agree.

"yeah, you know, i just really hope it's not pity."

beomgyu says it almost accidently, like it had slipped from his tongue. obviously had to ruin it. but yeonjun takes it very seriously, as he firmly shakes his head as a no and come back to smiling.

"you really consider me this easy?"

now, this would be funny if beomgyu had known they were both pretty easy.

"i wouldn't just spend my glory two hour break that i get twice a month to spend time with someone out of pity. i just had a lovely chat with you and i need more. desperately."

beomgyu doesn't know what to say. he really wants to believe it. he wants to, but there is something in his mind that just doesn't allow him to believe in nice things said about him. but today, he wants to try.

"so let's talk then." he decides to say. "you said things about guitar, do you enjoy music?"

"i do, i used to think about picking up music focused college too. but you know, since i was pretty decent in stem i decided to put it in work. there is this nice song from teen suicide, it's called no, the moon. it's super nice to play on the piano."

"teen suicide? no way, is that a real name?"

"yeah, i don't know who came up with that idea. but nevertheless, it's a good melody to try on the piano, since you said you know a little." he nodded. "but you're not the mozzart yet."

beomgyu laughed softly, exposing his teeth. yeonjun felt the cupid's arrow run through him.

"yet, yeah. let's say yet. i hate to ruin the mood, but do kids with cuts often come to the er?"

he wasn't sure what it was. maybe a yearning for validation, a feeling that he is not the only fucked up one. he doesn't know, really, why do words just spill in yeonjun's presence.

"pretty often, yeah. but people your age come too. elders come too. it's not so unusual, but people are insanely good at hiding. i mean, who would've known about you?"

"soobin." the answer comes instantly.

"who is soobin exactly?" yeonjun asks, feeling so stupid knowing that in fact soobin is already clear in his mind. but he still asks, more to see that spark in beomgyu's eyes.

"my best friend. we were flatmates at first and he was the only person to ever get me. he always helps me, he was never disgusted with me. if i were to get better i would do it for him." beomgyu started, going into big rabbit hole. "soobin was the first person to ever notice something was off with me. he was also the first one to know about me, in this way."

"soobin seems like the goat then. good to have him, huh?" beomgyu nodds, smiling. "i have a friend like it too, his name is taehyun, he is just as thoughtful as soobin. he helped me a lot when i was thinking of dropping out of med school."

"my friend, kai, he has a friend named taehyun too. and just as you explained, he is really thoughtful. must be taehyun thing, then." beomgyu smiles vividly.

but yeonjun raises his brows in surprise and then breaks his character by grinning with his teeth.

"we must be talking about the same one then, because my taehun has a friend named kai too. hueningkai, right? sociology major?"

"you're kidding me."

so they go down in big taehun/hueningkai lore, talking about how they were somehow connected all this time, remembering the same stories but in different perspectives. and it turns out that beomgyu must've heard a thing or two about yeonjun before, but since hueningkai didn't mention his name, he couldn't know. and it comes back, yeonjun somehow knows that one night when hueningkai brought taehyun over with him, beomgyu had to share the bed with taehun, because he got too drunk or that one story in which beomgyu had to serve them both a breakfast on his free day. and he was really mad about it, back then.

their conversation also changes place, as yeonjun's clock is ticking, they decide to take a walk. after a while, they choose a bench to relax on, watching the nearby's lake. beomgyu has his hand in pocket, yearning for a cigarette; he knows that probably yeonjun wouldn't mind, but it was still weird. maybe he should just wait, but the atmosphere and the anturage feels too pretty to not smoke.

so he finally grabs his pack out of the pocket, offering to yeonjun. he looks at him confused at first.

"want one?"

"no, no, but feel free." yeonjun smiles at him, completely unbothered.

"wait, maybe i will go away for a second then, you don't want to smell bad, right?" beomgyu offered again, thoughtfull.

"stay there. i don't mind."

so he stays there, lights the cigarette up and let the smoke go into void in front of him. they are sitting next to each other, somehow naturally scooping even closer. beomgyu nods when yeonjun talks about his most difficult task in med school, then he listens to beomgyu's stories about his college. and just in the blink of an eye, it seems like yeonjun has to leave.

beomgyu walks him right to the hospital doors, pouting softly just by the idea of their meeting ending. yeonjun gives him a reassuring smile and pats his shoulder lightly. beomgyu really enjoyed today; it was one of those rare days where everything felt like he imagined his life to be if he wasn't sick.

"so, will i have the honour to see you again?" yeonjun asks him, locking his own eyes with his.

"obviously, just send me your timetable, busy boy."

"yup. i will send you an official e-mail with the details." he nods. "i'm joking, text me when you're free and i will knit something out of it."

just when beomgyu is about to turn on his feet and leave, yeonjun does something that he will probably remember for the rest of his life. he goes in his direction and wrap him up in a tight hug; his hand placed softly on his hair, brushing through it calmly. his other hand is somewhere on his shoulder. at first beomgyu feels stiff, it being probably the first time in years he's being hugged by someone else other than soobin.

but he returns the gesture, wrapping his own arms on yeonjun's waist awkwardly. at first it feels really unnatural, but in what felt like a second, he feels like melting onto yeonjun. nice, he thinks.

⚝⚝⚝

soobin comes home really late. he was having a drink or two with his other college friends, sad, because he couldn't listen to beomgyu's date story instantly. he thinks that beomgyu must be asleep by now, so he doesn't enter his room. he makes himself some late snack and goes straight to his own room, laying lazily on the bed. but he hears a knock.

beomgyu opens the doors and his face shows a weird expression. maybe sadness? maybe exhaustion. but he stands there still, like he is collecting his thoughts. soobin waits for him, sitting on the bed. he holds on the handle like he would fall if he wasn't keeping it in his hand.

"i'm sorry, but i feel really, uh, unwell. i want to cut."

he finally says and the words almost echo in the room. soobin feels the hotness go all over him, like his instincts were turned on in second. his expression hardens, showing much more focus and consternation.

"but i don't want to do it, you know, today. would like to spend some time with me? maybe we could watch something on tv? just so i can fall asleep." beomgyu offers to soobin. "it's okay if you're tired. ugh, yeah it's stupid, don't bother."

but soobin's not having any of this today, he stands up in a millisecond and grabs beomgyu firmly by his hand.

"fuck yeah, let's watch something, yeah."

after a while, they are wrapped in a big blanket on their couch in the living room. there is some drama playing in the background, beomgyu's head laying tiredly on soobin's shoulder. he is mumbling something once in awhile, but it comes out as hard to understand. soobin doesn't mind it, though. he is brushing through his hair, like that calming sensation could lulle him to sleep faster. but soobin's mind is spiralling, as beomgyu had never ever formed a question like this;

when he wanted to cut, he just did it. and this time, for some unknown reason, he asked for help. and he finally falls asleep on top of soobin, in pretty uncomfortable position for him, considering he is almost 6"1. his legs crumbled on the tight couch, his head laying stupidly because beomgyu's leaning on him. one of his arm almost crushed by beomgyu's head, causing it to tingle. but deep inside, he couldn't be more happy.

he could sleep in the most uncomfortable position known to a mankind, if it meant to keep beomgyu safe. he could honestly spend each night like this, for the rest of his life, if it came with the perk of beomgyu falling asleep peacefully.

soobin can't help but wonder if that sudden change got something to do with yeonjun.

⚝⚝⚝

choi soobin can't really get a full grip of what yeonjun is like, but the difference he's causing is all he needs to know to feel satisfied. beomgyu is spending most of his time with his new friend, no matter if it's getting coffee, walking yeonjun home from his shift or just facetiming him. if soobin focus well enough, he can sometimes hear their laughter over the wall. their friendship feels like a fresh wave of something new, better. beomgyu yaps about yeonjun all the time, mentioning random things they were doing or just basically talking about him. and soobin listens carefully, each single time.

but what feels like the best reward for soobin is how he sees beomgyu's wrist cleaning up. through this, well, a month maybe, soobin sees new cuts only once. and beomgyu is willing to explain what exactly happened. the others turn into scars, some of them fade without leaving a reminder of the act itself. thanks to this, they even decide to settle onto less checkups, that were the usual part of each day before.

one day they are eating the dinner, the tv playing somewhere in the background as they talk about college related stuff. and then beomgyu blows him off with the most crazy question to ever leave his mouth.

"would you mind if i invited yeonjun over?"

soobin almost chokes on his food. never in his days beomgyu had invited someone over. he feels like kissing him, dancing around the room and doing other stuff to show his happiness caused just by this question. everyone seems to go so well, soobin is now thinking he is the greatest mastermind of all times. he nods his head desperately, almost like he was the one to have yeonjun over.

"obviously no! do you want me to leave to huenings?"

"what? why? do i leave when you invite someone?" beomgyu asks calmly, not getting the allusion that soobin wants to sell him.

"you know, just so you can be comfortable with him, cuddle, kiss, fuc-"

beomgyu kicks him under the table. but he looks a little flushed, his ears becoming red over that little remark. soobin smirk at him, the usual friends to lovers is happening in front of his eyes, and he couldn't even express how happy he was.

"okay, okay, i'm staying, then. when do you plan to invite him?"

"today?" beomgyu shrugs casually.

that's a short fucking notice, though.

soobin takes it very seriously. when yeonjun confirms that he can come over, he cleans the whole house up. he doesn't have much time, since the notice was ridiculously short, but he cleans the kitchen, the bathroom, even his room just in case of whatever happening. beomgyu just look at his room and it looks fine, fine enough to not even touch a single thing.

when the door bells, beomgyu goes there like a happy puppy, opening it with a huge grin on his face. yeonjun welcomes himself inside, and soobin can't help but look over the wall. he is allowed to say hi, at least. he wants to be a good flatmate and not interrupt in anything, but his curiously is a hell to fight.

"hi soobin. are you good?" yeonjun asks him, taking his shoes off.

"yes, yes, couldn't have been better. i'm really happy to see you, make yourself at home. if you need something, just knock on my door. i won't interrupt." soobin says teasily, winking in beomgyu's direction. yeonjun laughs at him softly.

"no worries, i'm sure beomie will take good care of me, i'm just here for a while, though." beomie? soobin feels like throwing up, they even have nicknames for each other?

and they both leave, beomgyu showing the way to his room. yeonjun looks around, curious and sits himself on the edge of the bed. beomgyu looks at him awkwardly for a second, and they both laugh just the moment their eyes meet.

"soobin looks like a proud father." yeonjun comments softly, scretching himself.

"yeah, a menace indeed. but just for his account, he offered me to leave us alone, but i said there is no need to."

it's really late though and beomgyu can feel it in his bones. not only the pitch black outside the window, but it also is the time that he would probably be all ready to fall asleep now. he doubts yeonjun feels it too, as he probably goes on many night shifts.

"i know it's so silly, but would like to watch tiktoks with me? we can maybe lay down and just look through them..." beomgyu said out of blue, sitting next to yeonjun.

"i'm going to fall asleep in a second if you do that to me." yeonjun answers instantly, but he seems pretty optimistic about the idea itself.

beomgyu feels a little confident today.

"weeell, you can technically fall asleep. i just doesn't know if it allign with your plans for tomorrow."

yeonjun's face show the prettiest smile, making beomgyu fold inside, his teeth showing a little, his eyes becoming even more foxy-like. if this face could say something on it's own, it would say, what you're doing to me, boy. beomgyu takes the hint and goes to his closet, finding a loose piece of pajama pants. he hands them to yeonjun, returning his smile.

"the bathroom is next to soobin's room."

he nods at first, but then just stands up and takes his pants off. beomgyu's eyes widen, he doesn't want to look, but he can't help. so his oblivious ass just stares at yeonjun, his toned thighs, even a little up, staring at his boxers. that's bad, he thinks. really fucking bad. yeonjun probably can feel the stare, but he leave it uncommented, just changing in the pyjama given to him.

"alright, i'm set. plate the tiktoks, boy."

it still feels like the most unserious idea to spend time over, but they soon find themself in beomgyu's bed, blanket pulled over them messily. they are keeping a safe distance though, as beomgyu scrolls through his for you page. they comment on some videos, laugh at other or even cringe, but they spend a ridiculous amount of time over it. and that's when it starts to unfold.

yeonjun's hand suddenly travels under beomgyu's hoodie, finding it's place on his waist. beomgyu wants to keep it cool to not scare yeonjun off, as much as he feels the hotness go all over him. since it's his part now, he scods in his direction, their heads now touching. he sticks himself to yeonjun's side, the phone becoming less and less relevant.

now beomgyu's hand is somewhere on yeonjun's torso, rubbing his fingers softly against the material of his t-shirt. for the testimony, he still does hold the phone with the other one, but the tiktok has been playing over and over for well past two minutes now. eventually he leaves a little fuck it in his head and throws it across the bed.

now it's just them, which seems scary at first, but not for yeonjun, for sure. he grabs beomgyu even closer, now wrapping him in a tight hug. none of them say anything, but really, words feel not needed at the moment.

beomgyu's head is a little lower compared to yeonjun's and their eyes finally meet. beomgyu look up, seeing yeonjun from another angle, yet still so breathtaking. so he goes for it. he moves his head a little higher, their gazes locked onto one another.

now the way he always says i will just kill myself if it doesn't go well is really right.

with a sudden move, yeonjun pushes him in front of him and connects their lips together. it's far different from the last kiss they shared. well, it's not like beomgyu knows any better. their lips move in a slow, gentle way, at first barely brushing each other. but then it deepens, but it's still slow. so uncomparable to the last time. when beomgyu's lower lips drops a little, yeonjun sees it as an invitation to put his tongue in action. his act is answered positively almost instantly.

yeonjun raises himself on his elbow, now getting somehow on top of beomgyu. his other hand is brushing through his long hair, putting extra atention in the ends of it. beomgyu's hands are placed prettily on choi's shoulders. he felt so small. so small compared to him now, but for some reason, he loved it even more like this. the kiss came to be really gentle, like beomgyu was a tiny piece of porcelaine, at risk of breaking if yeonjun made any drastic, unpredictable move.

when they pulled away, yeonjun smiled at him, exposing his white teeth, his eyebrows raising a little. he seemed so content with the situation, which only made beomgyu prouder of himself, of them both. the first seconds, even minutes after the kiss were quiet, both of them smilling stupidly in one another's direction. beomgyu, for the first time in a while, felt at peace.

"you succesfully distracted me from the tiktok. i was pretty invested, not gonna lie." yeonjun broke the silence, looking in the direction of beomgyu's phone, now laying far away from them both.

"you're a jerk, yeonjun." beomgyu comments instantly, but laughs seconds after. "if you prefer watching them over me, maybe i should sleep with soobin today, not you."

"oh, no, no, no. i would've hated that. maybe you can lulle me to sleep with something? tell me a story to fall asleep to."

"are you saying my stories are boring?" beomgyu raised an eyebrow in his direction. yeonjun shok his head as a no, but beomgyu still laughed, because he obviously knew it wasn't the case. "but alright i can tell you something. you know, junie. i really feel good with you. i don't know what part of you is so addicting, but it feels like my life lacked your presence. i really do feel different, you know, but better."

he couldn't tell on why he felt like being so vulnerable, so fearless about expressing himself out loud, maybe it was the darkness of the room, or the cool wind of air from outside the window. but yeonjun smiled vividly, this he could see well, like those words were the best ones that he had ever heard in his life. he placed a soft kiss on beomgyu's forehead and started to brush through his hair and it turns out that beomgyu is the one to fall asleep first; completely wrapped up in yeonjun's tight hug, one of his hands still petting his head. it couldn't have been easier to fall asleep like this.

⚝⚝⚝

the next thing soobin remembers about his best friend's relationship progress is that one time when the doorbell rings loudly, in the middle of the day. beomgyu is out for college, so he goes to open the doors, just to see yeonjun standing there awkwardly; holding a big, fancy boquet of flowers in his hands. soobin smiles at the sight, almost like he was the one to receive the gift.

"beomgyu's in college, you're unlucky."

"i know, i know. i just thought you might put them in water so he can have a small surprise once he comes home." yeonjun suggested, placing the boquet in soobin's hands.

soobin's smiles and let yeonjun in.

"so you're taking it seriously, i'm glad. have you had your first kiss yet?" soobin asks recklessly, putting the flowers in a wase. after a second the wording comes to him and he laughs awkwardly. "i mean, you know."

"yeah. we did, actually. that time i came over for the first time."

"i knew it, and beomgyu tried to convince me you both just fell asleep. that brat." soobin says more to himself than to yeonjun, putting the flowers in the middle of dining table. "are you ever planning on telling him the truth?"

and yeonjun sighs loudly. it is a thing that echoes in his head countless times a day. obviously, he would like him to know, because he feels bad for keeping something like this from beomgyu. but the longer he withdraw from the confession, the timing seems even less fitting. at some point, he almost wishes he would just tell him right away, that very first moment he has seen him in his office.

"i mean, yeonjun, if it were up to me, we can keep that dirty secret between us. it's not like it would change anything. it is not even lying to him, since he just doesn't know." soobin shrugs, and if it was really as easy as it seemed to soobin, his life would have been much easier.

"but it's weird, it's pretty much a fundamental of our whole relationship, you know? we would probably never ever meet again after that one time in office. i wouldn't give him his number, you wouldn't convince him to text me, i wouldn't agree. it is a pretty big deal, isn't it?" yeonjun fights back, but his face shows a defeat.

soobin looks like him like he just ruined his whole view on life. because in fact, he had never put those reflections in his head, never bothered to look at it so seriously. and now even he feels dirty for keeping it from beomgyu.

"but how would that even work now? by the way, beomgyu, we actually made out grotesquely in a club and i tricked you with your best friend to reach out to me again."

"the way you said it made it even worse." yeonjun pouts.

"that's why i'm saying we should both collectively just forget and reject that memory from our minds. let it just be like it went, let's go to like shock therapy together and just erase that little thing from the history." soobin says, half jokingly, but you never know for sure with him.

"alright i won't tell him."

soobin's look at him, surprised.

"was it really this easy to convince you?"

and yeonjun looks at him defeated, which is also the ending for their conversation that day. later on, beomgyu comes home and see the flowers, being happy and all over the place. he even send a picture to yeonjun, a selfie, the flowers are in the frame and beomgyu holds the prettiest smile known to a man. soobin looks at him from distance, content too, but the way yeonjun lighted the doubt in his head made him feel almost guilty.

and they are official pretty soon, too. at least in soobin's mind it was pretty linear, as much as he can't provide the exact dates. not so long after soobin's conversation with yeonjun, beomgyu comes home with the news, like he is holding the greatest victory in his life. soobin can see it in his eyes; he doesn't need beomgyu to say a word, and he knows.

maybe it wasn't the most romantic way, but in beomgyu's head, it was the meaning that held the most satisfaction to him. he was sitting next to yeonjun on a bench, both of them just relaxing after a random walk mid day. beomgyu looks at him and just admire his appearance for a good while, until yeonjun feels the intense glance on him. but beomgyu can't help it, since he can notice all those little details about yeonjun that makes him the most beautiful human he had ever seen.
he turns in his direction, ready to say something full of tease, but beomgyu is slick today and kisses him softly. their hands are still intertwined, as none of them wanted to break the hold after sitting down. yeonjun's arm is resting properly on beomgyu's shoulders, rubbing the material on his body. they were kissing quite a lot, which was at first confusing, because nothing had been put in a frame yet, but beomgyu liked that. just having that little thing with yeonjun and they both knew it was significant.

when they pull away, yeonjun makes a pout that makes beomgyu a little confused. he looks unhappy now, somehow mad even and he feels the worry go all over him. maybe i shouldn't have kissed him? maybe he doesn't like it? it all goes over him.

"you know i almost feel bad for kissing you and liking it so much, but you're not even mine." he says finally, but despite his expression, his voice holds playfulness. yeonjun tightens the hold on his hand, but even though it's firm, beomgyu feels like he is the most gentle man on earth.

"but i am yours, though." beomgyu mumbles back to him, feeling a little flushed now.

"no, you're not, until i ask you, dummy." he answers instantly. "can i call myself your boyfriend, maybe?"

beomgyu can't really help it, but expose the biggest grin, his face almost hurt from the wideness of that smile. he nods his head desperately, almost like yeonjun would change his mind if he didn't answer quick enough.

"you can, doctor choi, i will alow it." he plays back to him, kissing his cheek softly. "i would like to get that title too, though. can i?"

"yes, i'm pretty certain, yes. but i think i will cry each time you refer to me as your boyfriend."

they kiss again, this time their lips barely touch and it's painfully off sided, as their smiles are too big to hide. beomgyu actually kiss the corner of yeonjun's mouth, which only makes him smile even more.

"we are a couple now." beomgyu simply says, still smiling.

yeonjun laughs at those words, not because they are funny, but because of the way beomgyu was so cute about it, his ears going into a beautiful shade of pink. this is a dream, really, they both think.

and after that, soobin's life feels like a fever dream. he gets to third-wheel their dates, sometimes even arranging it for them, and well, him. they spend evenings in their flat with yeonjun, watching dramas, cooking or just doing whatever, but now it was three of them. and soobin quickly realised that him and yeonjun have a lot in common too, can make pretty good friend duo too. yeonjun gets the keys to their flat and now is allowed to enter whenever he wants.

yeonjun is a pretty well behaved young man though and he rarely uses his keys priviledges. but he comes often, now without any warning, just knocks on the doors. both soobin and beomgyu scolds him for not just opening it by himself, but they know it won't change anyways. yeonjun comes after his work, at least just for an hour, so he can kiss beomgyu, talk with soobin and just relax with them. sometimes he comes when he is on break, when soobin texts him that he left him some lunch in the kitchen.

that's when he does use the keys, takes the lunch, leaves a thank u sticky note, but he still feels like an intruder.

one day, they have a self held anniversary of beomgyu not cutting himself for two months. the whole idea is planned by both soobin and yeonjun, utterly excited by this big milestone. they buy a cake, even bother to get candles to blow. they order a lot of food, all kind of food that beomgyu likes. beomgyu is not so stupid and he can feel something is up with them again, but as he doesn't keep a track as they do, he was totally oblivious of the reasonings for their weird being.

"ahhh, beomgyu, close your eyes, you're a brat!" soobin scolds him, standing in the kitchen.

beomgyu is peeking through the living room to see what soobin is doing up there, yeonjun next to him, but his sight get's limited by his boyfriend's warm hand. he feels confused, but it's not like it's easy since the combination of yeonjun and soobin is a whole menace. he can hear yeonjun's chuckling and some more scolds from soobin, but he is used to sometimes ignoring their actings.

and when his view is exposed again, he can see soobin standing in front of him; holding a ridiculously big cake with two candles sticked in there, already lighted up. yeonjun fastly goes next to him, smiling vividly. did i forgot my own birthday? they even improvise their author song, in the rhytm of the original happy birthday song.

"what the hell is that?" beomgyu asks them, but he is smiling. he doesn't know still, as he is sometimes oblivious to the core, but the view of them both is just too funny to not laugh.

"beomgyu, it's your two months free from self harm today. make a wish and blow the candles." soobin announces like a proud father.

beomgyu blinks rapidly, now it seems to make much more sense. he opens his mouth, but nothing comes out, not a single sigh or word. he does stand up though and starts to think of a wish.

but there are a lot of things he would like to come true.

for soobin to be happy. for soobin to be healthy. for yeonjun to become rich. and healthy too. for soobin to pass all his exams and graduate from college. for yeonjun to get a promotion. he could go on, and on.

and he feels greedy today, so he thinks of all the wishes and blow the candles. not a second after he is wrapped in a hug, yeonjun hugging his side and ruffling his hair and kissing his cheek softly. beomgyu can feel the overwhelm go over him, but in a good way. he couldn't imagine someone caring for him so much. soobin puts the cake on the table and smiles at the sight of them, but pout after a while.

"alright, loverboy, gimme my beomgyu too. i deserve a hug too, right?"

and beomgyu doesn't need to be told twice, as he almost runs in soobin's direction. he hugs him tightly, hiding his face between his shoulder and shoulder. soobin wraps his hands around him, rubbing his back softly. and that's when soobin can feel his t-shirt become wet.

after a second he can feel his hands shake, but not on their own, it's beomgyu's shaking. he pulls away, concerned and sees beomgyu crying, big drops of tears falling on his cheeks. but he still holds a smile and soobin now feels like crying too.

mostly because this is the first time he sees beomgyu crying that doesn't come after a negative event. it is the first time he sees his happy tears.

"oooh, beomgyu, don't do it to me." he says vocally, but beomgyu cries even harder, and soobin can't tell if it's because he is a brat, or because he is really so flushed with emotions.

they sit down on the sofa, beomgyu trying to regain his gracefulness. yeonjun is looking at him and smiling, rubbing his fingers against his waist. slowly, beomgyu steady down, ready to say something.

"i just feel so happy to have you, god, it's so stupid."

"and we are even more happy, you know?" yeonjun answers him. "and it's not stupid. i hope the only tears i see from you will be the happy ones, like today. want a piece of cake?"

"yeah, i'm getting real hungry." he nods and soobin stands up to slice it.

and that was pretty much how it went after. they ate the cake, did karaoke, played games and honestly the night could've never ended after that. beomgyu fell asleep in the warmness of yeonjun's arms. and the warmth of soobin's body crushing his legs. because yes, soobin was dramatic and yes, he slept in beomgyu's bed, curling up into a ball at the edge of the bed. and today he just couldn't walk away to his own room. the next day he quite regretted the choice made in the heat of the moment, as he could feel the sore in each of his muscle.

and that day was the best one in soobin's whole life.

⚝⚝⚝

but he can also truthfuly admit on how his worst day ever unfolded. step by step.

at first, nothing really showed that it's going to take such a twisted route. soobin wakes up and notices how yeonjun is eating breakfast with beomgyu in the living room. oh, so he's here. he joins them, they talk about something that didn't matter at all at the end of the day. later on soobin returns to his room, it still feels normal.

but after some time, he is able to hear something weird, unsettling. he lowers the music that's playing and realise it's beomgyu and yeonjun. totally screaming at each other.

"do we always have to talk about me and cutting? is it really the only thing that's relevant about me?" beomgyu says tensily. yeonjun is a little taken aback with the sudden switch of beomgyu's humour.

"i just asked if it's still alright, why do you get so tense? i didn't mean anything bad." he fights back, his voice is still gentle, much more gentle than beomgyu now.

"i get tense, because you treat me like i'm crazy. really, do i come down to only being self-destructive?" beomgyu continues and yeonjun can feel the gulp grow in his throat. "i get it, you're a doctor, you care about it, but really, yeonjun? do you like me or do you just feel responsible?"

beomgyu's words cut like a knife right through yeonjun's heart, and he can't even tell where are they coming from. his question was simple, wasn't intended to be backhanded, he just asked if beomgyu's doing fine in that department. he asked this question before and it never woke such raw emotions. but beomgyu kept going.

"do you just pity me? why do you act like you have to walk on eggshell with me? " he asks, and yeonjun's eyes widen.

soobin listens to their argument, feeling his throat tighten painfully. he is standing next to his own doors, hearing every single word, he can almost imagine beomgyu's angry expression.

"well yeah i do pity you because from what i can tell you've been cutting yourself for years and yes i feel responsible because now i am your boyfriend and i would be shitty one if i just kept on letting it happen. stop acting like it's nothing." yeonjun hisses back, his voice sharper.

beomgyu's face goes pale in a second. he can physically feel his heart skip a beat. he swallows loudly, now seeming less offensive. yeonjun's look at him, bitting his lower lip. he now knows he said it in an incredible wrong way. he tries to be faster than beomgyu, clarify himself, but it's pointless.

"so i was right, you just pity me. you see me as a fragile, broken something and thought you can fix me or whatever. are all those fucked up people at your work not enough? you really needed to take one personally?"

"what are you even talking about?" yeonjun asks him with a serious tone. "where have i ever given you the idea that i pity you? you know well it's not this, it's not how i see you at all."

"then why do you act like it? you sometimes look at me like you're scared you will break me over nothing. can someone fucking treat me normally for once?"

yeonjun feels defenceless. he can't tell how did it escalate so quickly, but he is at loss of words, he doesn't have a single idea on how to fix this situation and just lower the fire that is now burning all over beomgyu.

"you knew i'm like this, from the very first moment you saw me. how do you expect me to not think you're just feeling responsible now?" he asks him, but this time his tone is much softer, exposing the sadness in his voice and the sadness in his eyes.

yeonjun feels like his brain is spilling out of his ears. he takes a deep breath and throws a sentence that soobin will probably remember for the very last day of his life.

"because we didn't even met at that fucking office for the first time. beomgyu, i fell for you the moment i saw you, back then, in the club where we kissed. i didn't know anything yet and i was ready to risk everything for you already." he says in what felt like even less than one breath. "just the way you looked at me back then, it was all i needed to know. and when i saw you again, my stomach flipped, not because you cut, but because how lucky i was to see you again."

beomgyu just looks at him. his lips part, eyes widen, eyebrows raise. he looked shaken, his face showing a mix of confusion, betrayal and anger. they spend a good while on looking at each other, yeonjun breathing loudly, like he already knows it's wasted.

and soobin really wished he wouldn't have to listen to it, because each word they exchanged, his heart dropped even more. and now, yeonjun exposed not only himself, but also soobin, which made his ear burn stressily. he couldn't tell what turn it would take, but he already know, that it won't be any of the good ones.

"you, you were the one i kissed that night?" he says quietly, too quietly for the heat of the situation. "and for this whole time, you didn't fucking feel like telling me?"

there it goes.

beomgyu screams it in front of yeonjun's face with the whole air he has in his lungs. his eyebrows cross in an angry manner and the yell he let out is loud enough for soobin to hear it perfectly. yeonjun bites his lip, unable to form an answer.

yeonjun realizes the gravity of his outburst, but it’s too late. beomgyu's eyes fill with hurt, and he takes a step back, reeling from the revelation. beomgyu feels his insecurities deepen, sensing that everything they’d built might have been based on a lie. he doesn't even know; if he wants to scream at yeonjun, cry like a kid or just dissapear. none of it feels fitting.

"you didn't think like i deserved to know?" he asks him and yeonjun can hear his own heart break. beomgyu's voice is filled not with anger, but with pain and feeling of betrayal. "why didn't you tell me?"

"i... i don't know, really. i just didn't want to ruin it, i thought you would be scared if you've known." he admits honestly. "but i know it was unfair to you, since i did know."

"did soobin know too?" he asks, and yeonjun stays quiet. soobin, in the other room, is already sitting on the floor, trying to tell himself to hold his tears in. "fucking hell, you both knew and just didn't bother to tell me? it was really so easy to lie?"

"but i didn't lie. i just didn't tell you." he says, but even he himself can feel how absurde it is. "yeah, i'm really, really sorry. i wish i would've just told you before. i just knew you considered this as a mistake and i was scared you would be discouraged about me."

beomgyu hides his face in his hands, breathing loudly. his hoodie slips down and his bandage is now exposed, and that sudden view of it makes yeonjun even more guilty, even more at blame.

"but i really care about you deeply. i was scared it would ruin it all, if you knew."

"well, yeonjun, i feel like it is already ruined anyways." he hisses at him.

yeonjun looks at him and wants to say something, but he knows he doesn't have a single right to do it now. he need to listen to every word, no matter how it hurt, no matter how it broke his heart.

"i don't know, please go away from me" he says, it almost coming like begging. "for now, at least."

so yeonjun nods, stand up and goes for the front doors. he gives beomgyu a quick look before he opens the doors and leave, leaving the keys on the shelf next to it. when the doors are shut, soobin can feel beomgyu calling his name in the most angry way he had ever heard someone call him. soobin wants to close his own ones and never comes out, but he knows, it being the worst part, is that beomgyu has every single right in the world to be mad. so soobin comes out, going to the living room like he is walking for his own execution.

he sees beomgyu's face and his heart drops even more.

"why, just why soobin?" he groaned almost. "why didn't you tell me? that's why you reacted so intensively when you first saw yeonjun. and you told me it's because he is hot? and you actually knew?"

"scream at me, punch me, do whatever, i know i fucked up. i don't think it makes sense to even explain myself. i'm at wrong anyways." soobin admits honestly.

"so if you know, why didn't you tell me? i thought you respected me enough to keep it straight with me. soobin, please tell me i just missunderstood it all, please."

"you didn't." he answers instantly, shocked himself with the honestly. "i thought i was somehow, i don't know, protecting you. just seeing you so happy with yeonjun... i thought it's not my place to tell you."

"is protecting me means lying to me? it is really how protecting looks to you?" he asks rhetorically. "did it really easen your senses so much that i'm happy it was alright that this whole thing was a lie?"

"but it's not a lie!" soobin raised his voice. "yeonjun loves you, he really does. just because it happened doesn't erase what you had. i know you feel betrayed, but really, really, it doesn't change it."

beomgyu's eyes soften, soobin must've hit the good nerve. obviously, beomgyu had never felt such a strong connection as with yeonjun. and it was true, it didn't change the feelings. but it changed his perception of trust in this relationship.

"please, let it have another chance. you can be angry, do anything you want, but i beg you, beomgyu, as your best friend, i had never seen you so happy, so calm, so in love.." soobin begs him, sweat drolling from his face. "but yeonjun is right, you would never get yourself into it if you knew about that club thing."

beomgyu sighs and he feels out of any options. obviously, he would hate to never see yeonjun again. he would hate to forget it all, when the truth was, that he really felt at his best with him. but the feeling of betrayal stung him more than anything, as he was always loyal to his friends. he would never do it to soobin, he would never let him deep dive in a lie. even if it made him happy. 

he sits down at the table and hides his whole head in his arms. he wish he could just pathetically cry right now, but not a singe tear seem to want to go down. so he just closes his eyes and soobin looks at him. in all those years, he had never had a fight with beomgyu, let alone this serious. but he decides to take his shot and sit down next to him, resting his head on his now displayed back. beomgyu had every and each right to punch him away, but he didn't. soobin put his hand on his arm and rub it slowly, as he believes it can calm him down a little. 

"i know you're better than me and yeonjun, i know it's why it hurts so bad." soobin feels like a manipulator saying it. "you have every right to be mad, really." 

beomgyu suddenly raises his head, making soobin yank his own. 

"show me the video." 

"wh- what?" 

"show me the video of me and yeonjun kissing." he repeats, his voice calm, the expression softened. 

soobin looks at him dumbfounded, but reach out for the phone in his pocket. he wishes he wouldn't have to do that, but he feels too bad to not obey to beomgyu's orders. he opens the gallery and looks for the video, and well, it's hard to miss it. he just shoves the phone in beomgyu's hands and he starts playing the video. the guilty by taemin playing, a lot of background noises, the way that soobin zoom in. beomgyu's hands all over yeonjun, the desperate kissing, the moment where yeonjun sucks on his collarbone hungrily. beomgyu watches it with cold expression and he can't brush this feeling like it can't be him in the video. 

"it's, it's not how we kiss at all." he comments when the video is heading to it's end. "but the way he looks at me, it's the same." 

"beomgyu, he really wanted you from that very start. it couldn't been pity, how could he know about anything? he was just utterly amused by you, i could tell by the way he was glancing at you." soobin fights for yeonjun, he really owns him now. "maybe if you didn't know each other, it would make sense that yeonjun answered your message out of feeling sorry for you. but you know it's not true now."

and beomgyu can't really defeat himself from it now, because sadly for him, soobin is right.

⚝⚝⚝

beomgyu haven't heard from yeonjun for almost two weeks now. but soobin did, quite a lot. yeonjun is totally blowing his phone off with the messages, all kind of them; asking if beomgyu is okay, how he's doing, everything. soobin tells beomgyu that, now refraining from any type of hiding. but beomgyu, no matter how hard he could force himself, he couldn't be the one to reach out. and yeonjun, being the respectful man, didn't want to reach out too. 

and soobin was there too, but now he was too scared to even say yeonjun's name in beomgyu's direction. so it was rolling like this, the situation being completely useless. but there was someone else, there was well known and loved hueningkai. 

he comes to their flat like it's his own, sitting beomgyu and soobin down, like it's a therapy. he looks at them and nods to himself before he starts the monologue of his life.

"beomgyu, i know about everything. from taehyun, who said he will kill me if i told you, but i'm telling you because i'm your friend." it feels like a shade in soobin's direction. "and i'm literally begging you to let it go, because from what i know, yeonjun is on brink of dying. he even took days off from work. he whines like a little bitch to taehyun all the time, how much he loves you, how much he misses you and from what i know from soobin he is whining to him too."

beomgyu looks at him and sighs loudly.

"i know you're petty and i know it's not your place to reach out, but before i tell taehyun, who will tell yeonjun that it's safe to reach out now, you have to tell me it really is." 

and well, beomgyu is petty, but he isn't stonehearted. he obviously misses yeonjun too, his voice, his touch, probably everything about him. he still feels uneasy about everything that happened, but when the initial anger washed off, he couldn't pretend to be as mad as he was. and now, just thinking about yeonjun grieving him so much, not going to work, being all pathetic, it only makes him realise how much yeonjun appreaciated him in his life. 

"do you know about everything?" he chose to ask instead, hueningkai looking in his direction. "me cutting, the way it was me who jumped at him for being nice?"

"he didn't word it like this, at least not taehyun. and about you i knew even before." he shruged.

"no, no, no, i didn't tell him." soobin shok his head, even before anyone could make any asumptions.

"well, beomie, you might be slick, but it was easy to tell. you left your blade once in my own bathroom. and one time i saw your arm, but since you didn't tell me i didn't tell you too. it's not like it changed anything about us." 

beomgyu nodded his head, the way hueningkai knew all along didn't even cause a big reaction out of him. 

"okay, let's stop acting stupid." he announced to soobin and hueningkai.

he took his phone and started typing something fastly. they were looking at him in silence. beomgyu knew what he wanted to do, and just opening the conversation chat with yeonjun, seeing his all smiled face on contact photo, it made his heart beat faster. oh, how much he missed him.

from beomgyu: hi, yeonjun, can we talk?

beomgyu reads the message he sent outloud and closes his phone. but it buzz even before any of them can say anything or comment. it buzzes couple times, in like twenty seconds.

from yeonjun: Yes

from yeonjun: please please yes 

from yeonjun: can i come over now? ?

from yeonjun: or maybe at a park? 

from yeonjun: or you come over to me? 

from yeonjun: but i dont want you to travel bc of me. let me go where u want

beomgyu reads the messages and smile uncontrolably to himself. 

"ah, my parents are getting back together." soobin sighs with a grin written on his face. "my divorced kid era is ending. hueningkai, you deserve your dick sucked for that."

hueningkai and soobin both laugh loudly, but beomgyu is already somewhere else, his mind is already with yeonjun. he thinks of an answer, pouting.

from beomgyu: okay, u can come over if u want :)

he debates whenever he should keep being cold or quit it, but he finally decided to add that one emoji. like it made a big difference, anyways. 

"you both have to leave, yeonjun is coming over. go somewhere else." he orders them.

and well, as much as soobin hated being tossed around, it is safe to say he left the house in what felt like a second. and beomgyu waited. he was sitting down on floor and looking through his gallery, watching all the pictures with yeonjun, smiling, then getting sad, then angry. but what he was sure of is that he really misses him.

⚝⚝⚝

and when the he hears the knock on the doors, he goes to open it almost instantly. and he can see him, again. 

yeonjun pretty much looks like a mess. his hair is longer than usual, he is wearing a torn out hoodie and some random jeans that are not cute at all too. his face shows anxiety, as he is bitting on his lips stressily. they both stare at each other for a brief second. obviously they won't kiss themselfs hello, but beomgyu is stronger than his pettiness today. 

he opens his arms for a hug and yeonjun answers instantly. he almost melt in beomgyu, his grip on his back so strong it could bruise him. they still don't say anything, but beomgyu buries his head in yeonjun's shoulder, a place that felt really familiar. when they pull away, his hands are on his cheeks, him smiling softly. 

"i'm so glad you want to talk. i thought you wouldn't want to see me ever again." 

"yeah, i thought the same too." beomgyu truthfully admits. they go to the living room, both sitting themself down on the floor. "but i had some time to think and wash my anger off. i understand why you did it this way, but it felt like you didn't see me as someone who could handle it."

"i know, i wish i would've just told you from the start. but i cared too much, i wanted us to work and it made me think like i can just keep it a secret for our both sake." he almost whispered. "but i know it was not my place to hide anything. i thought it will push you away from me."

"but you lying pushed me away much more than this discovery would. and it was just fucked up, because i trusted you so much. it's not even what happened that hurt, but the way you didn't tell me." beomgyu admitted truthfully and yeonjun nodded firmly. 

"do you think you could ever trust me again?" yeonjun asks. 

and that question echoes in beomgyu's head. obviously, one side of him wanted to say no, just to make yeonjun pay for the mistakes he made. but that second one, that loved and caring one, couldn't hurt yeonjun with those words. and he loved yeonjun himself too much to let this one thing ruin it all. 

"i think so, if we made a promise that you won't ever hide anything again. i would really prefer if you would tell me the truth, even if it hurt. you didn't break my trust to the core, so if you have anything to tell me, you better tell my right now."

yeonjun nods again and then reaches for beomgyu's hand. he does it hessisanty, like he's not sure if he would accept it, but beomgyu does and he holds yeonjun firmly. 

"there is something, actually." he whispers. "i wanted to tell you that i love you. i've been meaning to tell you for awhile, but after we've been away from each other, i feel even more sure." 

beomgyu's eyes widen and he swears his heart will find a way to jump out of his throat. this is the first time yeonjun had said it directly and the confession itself is enough to make him cry. this being also the first time someone said to him romantically. and meaning it too. he squirms his hand tighter.

"are, are you sure?"

"yes, i am. i've never been more sure about anyone, beomgyu. i want to be with you, i love you, fuck how much i love you." yeonjun say it almost desperately, like he wants to convince beomgyu really bad. but he doesn't need convincing to believe it. 

oh, how lucky i am, he thinks. all that initial anger was instantly thrown off, just with the way he sees yeonjun look at him. he feels like he can see something different, something that no one else had ever noticed. he can feel his glance burn on his skin, but god, it feels so good. beomgyu look at him and the smile break onto his face, the smile so vivid, his whole teeth showing. 

"i love you too, but you're a stupid idiot still. i'm still mad." he answers him, but that second part of his sentence comes out forced, his smile making it hard to not break his character. but yeonjun could listen to the insults non stop if it meant to hear it back from beomgyu.

"yes, yes. but since you love me i know you don't mean it." yeonjun says proudly.

"so, what, should we recreate what happened in the video? you know, soobin showed it to me. and you're a freak, boy." 

yeonjun almost pushes him to the ground with the force he uses to kiss him. the kiss is desperate, like yeonjun hadn't done it in years and missed it undescribely. beomgyu put his arms around his shoulders, leaning him even closer. yeonjun's hands are wandering somewhere under beomgyu's hoodie, holding on his waist. he sits him down on his lap, his hands now somehow on his ass, almost. at first they laugh, but the yearning they have for each other is too much to bear. their tongues come in action instantly and it really is like on that cursed video. beomgyu bite his lower lip, then lick it 

it was almost obscene, how their tongues met in such an agressive way, so needy of each others. beomgyu kissed with the stranger yeonjun almost like he was the love of his life, or at least some well awaited object of desire. 

but this time, yeonjun is the love of his life and indeed well awaited object of desire. 

when they pull away, yeonjun does it again. just like in the video. 

the stranger yeonjun is just placing a hot, absurdly wet kiss on beomgyu's collarbone and it instantly shows in a form of a deep purple bruised hickey. 

"it's a shame i can't remember it from the last time." beomgyu sighs, out of breath when they pull away. 

"i can remind you everyday if you let me, love." he answers instantly, the nickname enough to make beomgyu fold in his arms. what comes after is a hug again, him still sitting on yeonjun's laps. their bodies are so warm, beomgyu can even feel the sweat drolling down his face. 

and after that, yeonjun is really his boyfriend. his boyfriend who loves him, also lied to him once, but he promised to never repeat it. soobin comes home hours later, his movement so quiet, because well, no one texted him when he can come back. so he finally decided to go home on his own, sneaking in the house like a burgar. he sees them both on the couch, cuddled together. what he can also see is a big bruise, a hickey on beomgyu's collarbone and for some reason, he feels like he is having a major deja-vu. 

"woah, woah, and i was scared to go home." soobin comments, as he sits down without asking next to them. "is everything sorted out?" 

"yes, soobin, we got pardoned, thanks to beomie." 

"thank god. so everything is back to normal, right?" he needs a reassurment. "like between you two. and me?"

they both look at beomgyu and he nods softly, breaking a smile in. 

⚝⚝⚝

the last thing for this story from soobin would be the day before beomgyu's birthday. he finish off writing the last pages in his diary, now all pages covered with his scriptures. the last page is a picture; it's him and beomgyu, smiling vividly. in the middle of them there is yeonjun, kissing beomgyu's cheek with a smile so big it could light the whole world up. 

he goes to beomgyu and without a word, he shoves the book in his arms. he looks at it and finally opens it. 

beomgyu was dancing somewhere in the pit of people, humming to music, his initial hessistancy and awkwardness seemingly leaving his body. now his body is moving effortlessly, with the defined precission and well, it was hot. even to me, and i'm pretty asexual when it comes to beomgyu, because firstly i'm gay, and secondly, beomgyu is my bestfriend.

"what is this?" he asks, reading the first paragraphs. 

"it's my diary. i had written the first page the day after we went to the club. and i kept writing, it's mostly about you. some of the parts are what you told me from the meetings with yeonjun and i thought it would be cute if i gave it to you." he answers shyly. 

when beomgyu wanted to cut, he just did it. and this time, for some unknown reason, he asked me for help. and he finally falls asleep on top of me, in pretty uncomfortable position, considering i am almost 6"1. my legs crumbled on the tight couch, my head laying stupidly because beomgyu's leaning on me. one of my arms almost crushed by beomgyu's head, causing it to tingle. but deep inside, i couldn't be more happy.

i could sleep in the most uncomfortable position known to a mankind, if it meant to keep beomgyu safe. i could honestly spend each night like this, for the rest of my life, if it came with the perk of beomgyu falling asleep peacefully.

i can't help but wonder if that sudden change got something to do with yeonjun.

"you really wrote it all down?" 

"yes, not specially for you, i runned like ten diaries already. but since the new one started that night i decided to continue this for you." soobin admits, smiling a bit. 

07/06/22

and what beomgyu later told me, he spent the whole night reading my diary. when the sun peeked through his curtains, he decided it's high time to stop. he finished with the day that i mentioned to be my best one in life, that one when we celebrated his anniversary without cutting himself. he comes to kitchen and i was already awake, making myself a breakfast. i felt a sudden heaviness and it's beomgyu, hugging me from behind. i instantly move in his direction and smile when there are some tears in his eyes, threating to fall. i felt really honoured to be his friend. i always did. 

"you're the bestest best friend in the world, soobin." he says, almost whispers to me. 

and beomgyu, you're my bestest friend too.