Work Text:
“Pink!”
A tiny, frosting-covered hand smears itself across Buck’s face. He closes his eyes in a yelp. There’s frosting in his eyebrows, slowly making its way down his nose. Yes, everything is pink, indeed.
Jee-Yun is sitting on Buck’s kitchen table, frosting in all the colours of the rainbow smeared all across herself, Buck and the cookies they just spent way too long making from scratch.
“Hey, Jee, the frosting goes on the cookies, not my face.”
He tries drying the sticky sugary mass off, but it’s a lousy attempt, as his own hands are somehow also covered in frosting, which results in his face now looking like a very tasty finger-painting. Jee-Yun giggles happily and Buck sighs in resignation.
When Maddie had begged him to watch Jee for a short afternoon while her and Chim had some adult business to attend to, Buck had not hesitated to say yes. Bonding time with his niece is one of his favourite activities, after all.
“Here, let me help you with that.”
A wet cloth is thrown at his face and he just manages to catch it before it falls into the hands of the creative toddler on the table.
Oh, yeah. Eddie is here, too.
“Thanks,” Buck says, carefully cleaning his face. Eddie is looking at him with a gloating smile, as if it wasn’t just a coincidence that Buck got attacked with frosting and not Eddie.
“Boo,” Jee frowns.
Buck boops her on the nose and she starts giggling again. “No boo! We have to finish these cookies before your mum comes to pick you up.”
“Cookies!” Jee-Yun says.
“Jee, look here,” Eddie says. He takes a spoon and dips it into one of the bowls of frosting, then smears it delicately onto one of the cookies. “Do you think you can do that?”
Jee nods happily and takes her own spoon, then smears it less delicately on her own cookie.
“Good job,” Eddie says.
With Jee-Yun now preoccupied with the cookies again, Buck relaxes against the table. “Thanks for coming to help, I really appreciate it.”
“No problem,” Eddie says. He takes a spoonful of yellow frosting and attempts to draw a little sun on one of the cookies. “Was that really why you called? To help you? You’ve babysat Jee-Yun alone before.”
Eddie is right, he’s babysat Jee-Yun alone plenty of times before. It’s just that this time was supposed to be a different kind of bonding session. With him, Jee-Yun, and his boyfriend. Emphasis on supposed to .
“I had a fight with Tommy this morning,” he says.
Eddie looks up from his sun drawing with a raised eyebrow. He doesn’t need to ask what about, because he knows Buck will tell him.
“He doesn’t want kids.”
Eddie puts down the spoon. The sun turned out alright, to Buck’s surprise. “Ah, I can see why that would be a hot topic.”
“Eddie, Eddie, sun!” Jee-Yun shows off her own sun cookie, not as perfect as Eddie’s, but it sure is the same colour.
Buck smiles. This tiny, little thing with tiny, little, sugar-covered hands that make Buck’s entire kitchen sticky and gross, has his heart completely tied-up.
“That’s so good, Jee,” Eddie says. He takes another spoon and dips it in the pink bowl. “Can you draw a heart too?”
Something sour bubbles up in him, thinking about never having this. Never having a full house that gets destroyed by little feet and little hands. Always just one, two, boring adults, and nothing more.
But he needs to be reasonable. He needs to see this from Tommy’s side, too. It’s a relationship, it’s not one-sided, and you have to work hard to make it work. Or so he is told.
“I don’t know if I’m being unrealistic here, I mean, he’s over forty, maybe he feels like he’s too old now,” Buck wonders out loud. “But it didn’t seem like that was his reasoning.”
“Well, did you ask him what his reasoning was?” Eddie asks, always the logical one.
“No,” Buck says. Jee-Yun does a happy little jump as she finishes her heart cookie and shows it off to the two of them. It is definitely worse than the sun, but Eddie is only half finished with his, so who’s really winning here?
“That heart is so beautiful, Jee, and you’re so fast, I’m not even done with mine yet,” Eddie says proudly. Jee frowns and starts urging Eddie to continue his drawing. Eddie holds his hands up in mock surrender.
Buck sighs. “It just kind of caught me off guard, you know,” he says. “Because I can’t imagine anyone not wanting this .” He gestures towards Eddie and Jee, frosting cookies together like they’re in a competition to be the most adorable thing ever, and Buck doesn’t know who’s winning.
Eddie looks up at him with a slight smile. “If it is that big of a deal for you, then I don't think you’re overreacting,” he says. “You shouldn’t compromise on something like that if you think it would make you unhappy.”
He finishes his heart cookie and proudly shows it off to Jee, who pads him on the head like he did a good job.
Buck thinks about Jee doing this to Tommy instead, and attempting to bring the image up hurts his head a little. It can’t be that impossible, right?
He lets his head fall on the table with a groan. “It’s just…” he starts, but before he can continue he is, once again, attacked by tiny hands all over his head.
“Uncle Buck is sad?” Jee whines as she starts tugging at his head until he raises himself up again.
“Yes, Jee, Uncle Buck is a little sad,” Buck says. He lifts Jee up and takes her in his arms to give her a little cuddle, and looks over at Eddie. “What if this is my last chance of being with someone, you know, forever . Like there’s nothing else wrong with the relationship, it’s just this. Shouldn’t I fight for it?”
Eddie looks down, mindlessly picking up a new cookie, but then apparently thinks better of it and looks up at Buck with hard, determined eyes. “Don’t talk about yourself like that, Buck. You shouldn’t settle for second-best. You deserve better than that.”
“But–” Buck starts.
“But nothing,” Eddie interrupts softly. “And hey, if it helps, you always have me and Chris. And that will not change no matter who you’re with, okay?”
Eddie’s eyes are big and sincere, and Buck has to look away to not feel like they burn.
“Yeah, okay,” he says, focusing on Jee, who is happily playing with his hoodie-straps. “But it’s not really the same when you don’t live underneath the same roof.”
He only realises how that must have sounded when Eddie gives him a slight look.
“Shit, sorry, no, I didn’t mean it like that–” Buck says, fumbling like he just dropped a precious heirloom on the ground.
“Shit, shit,” Jee repeats.
Buck loosens his tight grip on his niece and looks at her. “No, no, Jee, please do not repeat that to your dad.”
“Shit!” Jee says again.
“Great,” Buck sighs.
“It’s okay, Buck, no harm done,” Eddie says, but Buck can tell his tone is a little sadder now. “And you’re right, it isn’t the same.”
A silence creeps over them as the absence of Chris settles in the air. Jee has left Buck’s arms and is now crawling over the table to Eddie, who welcomes her with open arms and a small smile. Perhaps exactly what Eddie needs, as his face lights up a little more when Jee settles in his lap.
Buck imagines how Chris would fit into this scenario. How he would help Jee-Yun with the frosting like Eddie has been doing; how he would teach her swear words behind their backs; how they would conspire with each other against Buck to paint his face even more outrageously than now. Yeah, Chris would be an excellent older brother.
A prickly feeling settles in his stomach that he vaguely recognises as yearning.
“Maybe we should get these cookies packed away for when Maddie gets here,” Eddie says and starts collecting the cookies.
But Buck doesn’t hear him. There’s something else that has suddenly occupied his mind, something that he can’t shake off.
“Hey, umm, I’ve never actually asked this but, if you had the chance, would you go through it again?” he asks tentatively.
Eddie looks up. “Go through what?”
“Kids. You know, the whole thing. The sleepless nights, the teething, the toddler tantrums. You already went through it once, and Chris is getting older now, he might find it super uncool to get a younger sibling.”
Still holding Jee-Yun tightly in his arms, Eddie grabs the cookie jar that’s hidden behind used bowls and half-empty ingredient bags, completely taking control of Buck’s kitchen.
“If the right partner came along, then yeah, I would,” he says at last.
Buck nods solemnly.
Slowly, Eddie starts filling the jar with cookies, Jee-Yun following his every hand move. “You wanna help?” He asks her, then hands over a cookie for her to put in the jar. She oohs with big eyes and giggles happily when the cookie falls into the jar. Eddie gives her another one, a rosy smile lighting up his entire face.
Buck sighs, a smile forcing its way onto his lips.
“Sometimes I wish you weren’t straight. Would make my life easier.”
It only takes a moment for Buck to realise that his mouth just said those words out loud–
“I mean, you know, if , in a hypothetical world, where you’re into me, and I’m, hypothetically, also into you,” Buck feels the heat creep up his neck. Suddenly his hands look very interesting. “That would be easier, you know, if you weren’t straight.”
“What if I’m not?”
Buck’s head flies up. “What?”
“What?” Eddie looks at him like a deer caught in headlights – but there’s no way he just said that, right?
“What!” Jee-Yun repeats and does a little hop in Eddie’s lap. Buck had almost forgotten she was there, because there’s no way Eddie just suggested that he’s not straight, right?
“What if you’re not what?” Buck repeats. His heart is beating a mile away, because what ?
There’s a moment where neither of them say anything. Buck can’t say a thing – his brain is working overtime to understand what just happened. Eddie seems to attempt to say something, but every time he opens his mouth, nothing but silence comes out.
It has to be a joke, because if it isn’t, then this changes everything.
If Eddie is… into men … then what is Buck doing, exactly? Why is he falling over himself trying to find compromise in a relationship that doesn’t make him happy, if Eddie is right there?
Now of course, just because Eddie is into men, doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s into Buck. But… But… surely that’s–
A knock on the door interrupts his spiral and he jumps up out of his chair, almost kicking over the table. “That must be Maddie,” he says.
Buck goes to open the door, and sure enough, there’s Maddie.
“Hey! How’s my little princess?” She says as she enters the apartment and latches her eyes onto Jee-Yun, who’s hanging onto Eddie’s shoulders and reaching for her mum.
“Mummy!” She squeals.
“Oh, hi Eddie,” Maddie says with a confused expression. Buck follows her into the apartment, standing a few feet behind them.
“Hey, Maddie. Glad to see you, too.” He gets up and hands Jee-Yun over to Maddie.
“Sorry, I just wasn’t expecting you,” Maddie says, turning to Buck, “I thought you said you were doing this with Tommy?”
And isn’t that ironic
, Buck thinks.
“Change of plans. Decided to do it with Eddie instead.”
They catch eyes for a second before Eddie turns to Maddie again and starts recounting Jee-Yun’s day, gushing over her baking abilities, or something, at this point Buck has stopped listening.
Because Buck just stands there, staring at Eddie cooing over his niece, sharing parenting tips with his sister, possibly being not-straight.
“Buck is sad,” Jee-Yun says suddenly, and Buck comes back to reality.
“Are you okay?” Maddie asks. She looks at him worriedly, her eagle eyes boring into every ounce of his skin. Buck shakes it off and ignores her.
“Helping my favourite niece decorate cookies cured me of all my sadness,” he says, giving Jee a little hair ruffle.
“And how many cookies did you decorate, Buck?” Eddie asks. There’s a specific tint to his tone that makes Buck’s skin crawl in the most exhilarating way. They catch eyes again, and there’s definitely a glint there that wasn’t there before, almost a little flirty, definitely a little dangerous.
“Hey now,” Buck says, trying to make his voice soft and low. He hasn’t looked away from Eddie for what feels like an eternity. “You did excellent without me. I liked watching.”
Eddie nods, but he still doesn’t look away. Buck notices that his cheeks are way more rose-coloured than before.
“Hey Maddie, can I talk to you in the hallway?” Buck says, breaking eye contact and killing the tension.
Maddie hesitates, looking curiously between them. “Of course,” she says finally. Her and Jee-Yun say goodbye to Eddie, and Buck impatiently leads them out the door.
“Look,” Buck says. Maddie listens intensely. “Can I call you tonight? There’s a lot of things that have happened today and I’d love your sisterly advice…”
“... But?”
“But there’s something I need to clear up first,” Buck says. “Is that okay?”
“Of course, Buck,” Maddie says. “Call whenever you need to.”
After saying goodbye to Maddie, Buck comes back into the apartment and stops in his tracks.
There Eddie sits. Handsome, perfect Eddie. Eddie, who Buck has gone mad over on multiple occasions, whose friendship has always confused him. Eddie, who loves kids and wants kids, and who wants Buck in his life with Chris. Eddie, who always listens to him ramble and spiral, who continually makes Buck feel loved and wanted.
Eddie, who Buck has never considered an option, because he has always been straight.
Until now.
Maybe.
It’s worth a try, anyway.
“So, to not make everything about me again, what did you actually mean before?”
“With what?” Eddie asks innocently, but his voice, which has raised at least one octave, betrays him. He gets up quickly and starts cleaning the table.
Buck raises his eyebrows and folds his arms across his chest, because there’s no way Eddie is playing dumb right now.
Eddie looks up and their eyes meet. His shoulders fall and he sighs.
“Fine,” he says. He throws the cleaning rag on the table, like throwing the towel in the ring, giving up.
“Eddie, you don’t have to if you’re not–”
“I’ve been seeing someone,” Eddie says, quietly but sure. Buck’s face probably does something weird, because Eddie immediately corrects himself. “Not romantically. A priest. Not that I’m religious, but I felt like I needed to get back to my roots, you know?”
Buck nods in understanding. Eddie starts collecting the bowls and utensils off the table, looking anywhere but at Buck. “But anyway, he’s gay, this priest. And we’ve been talking about my relationships a lot.”
He pauses for long enough for Buck to think about his words, to try to make sense of them. “And what about your relationships?” Buck asks.
“He gave me some, let’s say, perspective,” Eddie says. “And it made me realise that I don’t think I can be with a woman again.”
He says it so casually, so matter-of-fact. Not like the world has just turned upside down. Unless–
“But you could be with a man?” Buck asks. He thinks he says it with a sort of neutral confidence, a normal amount of curiosity, not like he’s about to faint.
If Buck seems nervous, Eddie ignores it. “Well, technically I haven’t tried it, but… yes, I think so.”
“You think so?” Buck asks.
“Okay,” Eddie rolls his eyes. “I know so. At least I want to.”
Eddie turns around then and starts placing their used baking equipment into the sink. But Buck isn’t done with this conversation yet. How can Eddie just clean when, if played right, this moment could end in an earth-shattering revelation?
“So when you said if the right partner came along , you meant a man?” Buck asks.
“I did,” Eddie says resolutely, and still so casual. He turns on the faucet and starts washing up.
Buck is leaning against the table, looking at Eddie’s back as he’s standing by the sink, thinking he’s gonna go insane if Eddie doesn’t turn around right now.
“Are you…” he starts tentatively, letting his hands mindlessly go through his hair, feeling reckless. “Are you hopeful that the right partner will come along, then?”
Without thinking about it, he steps closer to Eddie.
“It’s complicated, you know,” Eddie says, hands still in the sink, only turning his head slightly so Buck can better hear his voice over the water running. “I’m a mess right now, I don’t think it would be fair for anyone to date me.”
Buck suppresses a sigh. This man is ridiculous , he thinks, I’d date him if he were one hundred times worse, no matter the mess.
But nothing is that easy. He steps a little bit closer again, almost in Eddie’s space now. “Okay, but you said you want to , so you must’ve thought about it, right?”
A pause. Eddie takes a deep breath that’s only overshadowed by the sound of the water hitting the bowls. “I guess, yeah, I’ve thought about it.”
One step closer. He can almost breathe down Eddie’s neck now. “So if the right partner was standing right in front of you, telling you he’s into you, would you go for it?”
Buck leans in and turns off the water.
Eddie raises his head and lets his hands fall to his side. “Buck, what are you doing?”
“Just… I’ve been thinking about my future all day, and so maybe I just want to think about someone else’s future for a while,” Buck says, and with a wink: “Maybe help you, if I can.”
Slowly, Eddie turns around and they lock eyes. He looks scared, like what he’s about to say will ruin him forever. “Well, you can’t help me.”
“No?” Buck says softly. He wants to touch Eddie, caress him gently and hold him in his arms. Tell him that everything is gonna be okay. That he will always be there. His hand twitches, longing for touch, but he lets it be. “There isn’t anyone you would…?”
Buck takes a step closer, getting into Eddie’s space, but Eddie immediately recoils, taking a step back, rejecting his advances. “What do you want me to say, Buck? That yes, I’m in love with someone but he’s currently unavailable?”
And there it is. Four letters, L-O-V-E, love. And Buck feels his heart skip a beat. “But what if he’s in love with you, too?” He asks.
Eddie shakes his head. “That wouldn’t change the fact that he’s unavailable.”
“But what if he’s on the brink of a breakup?”
Who’s Tommy, anyway?
Eddie crosses his arms. “Is he?”
“You tell me.“
Eddie shakes his head in silent judgement. “I can’t make you break up with him, Buck. That has to be your own decision.”
He turns on the faucet again, going back to the dishes like nothing has happened. Buck looks into the sink – the bowls are spotless. Buck has a dishwasher.
He smiles to himself. Eddie Diaz, known for always keeping his cards close to his heart, is not unpredictable. “But you want me to, right?” He asks.
Eddie stills for a second, but he keeps his composure, focusing determinedly on the dishes in the sink. “Answering that would be selfish, I–”
“You can be a little selfish, Eddie,” Buck says. “It’s not much different from what you’ve already said.”
Eddie is the one to turn off the faucet now, spinning around to face Buck as if the conversation just got serious. “What do you mean?”
“‘ What if I weren’t ?’ you said, as if you didn’t know how that would sound,” Buck smirks.
Eddie looks away again, feigning innocence. “You called me straight. I’m not, so…”
Buck thinks back to the moment that spiked his comment, which, with everything that has happened in his head since, now feels like hours ago. Something about how his family would never really feel fully complete without Eddie . Something about imagining the life he could have if Eddie weren’t straight.
And then everything changed, and now there’s only honesty left.
“I called you straight in frustration, and longing, and love, because I want to be with you,” Buck says earnestly. He steps closer to Eddie again, and this time he doesn’t recoil or reject him. “And I think you said that because you want to be with me, too.”
“You have a boyfriend, that would’ve been really disrespectful of me,” Eddie says quietly.
Buck ponders for a moment.
“Let’s do a little thought experiment,” he says. He steps an inch closer to Eddie again, cornering him against the kitchen counter. “I broke up with Tommy this morning. I came to you to vent, and the conversation went just about the same as earlier. How do you act?”
“But you didn’t break up with Tommy this morning.”
Buck searches Eddie’s face for any sign of genuine discomfort or integrity in regards to the feelings of Tommy, but he finds none. “Let’s say I did.”
Eddie is looking at him hard, perhaps seizing him up in the same way Buck just did, making sure they’re both certain about what they’re about to do.
Buck is now so close that he can count Eddie’s eyelashes, and he almost does except suddenly there’s a hand at the back of his neck as he gets slammed into Eddie, meeting his lips in a messy attempt at a kiss.
Buck is caught off guard for only a second and then he takes over, moving his lips in synchronicity with Eddie’s, folding his arms around his back to bring them closer.
Eddie lets out a strangled noise as Buck deepens the kiss, slipping his tongue into Eddie’s mouth and taking what he wants, what he’s been wanting for years.
Breathlessly, Eddie breaks the kiss. “Okay fine,” he says.
Buck lets his lips drag down the side of Eddie’s neck, kissing him lightly on the way and ending up at his pulse point, biting gently. “Okay, fine, what?”
Eddie’s head falls backwards, giving Buck all the access he needs. “What do you want me to say? I give in.”
But it isn’t enough. Buck needs the clarification, the feeling of true commitment.
“Eddie,” Buck pleads, kissing up his neck again. “Tell me to break up with him.” He pushes his hips forwards a little so that his crotch is boring into Eddie’s thigh. His hands slip in under Eddie’s shirt, exploring his bare back that arches slightly as Eddie squeals in his arms.
“I want you to break up with him,” Eddie breathes.
Buck buries his face behind Eddie’s ear, sucking at the sensitive skin there, hoping it will bruise. “Mhmm, why?”
“Why? Surely you know why,” Eddie says, his voice shaking.
Buck meets his lips again, tasting the want on Eddie’s tongue, but gentler this time, slower. It seems to calm Eddie down and they settle into a comfortable position. They have all the time in the world.
Buck breaks away, leaning back just far enough to look into Eddie’s eyes. “I want you to say it,” he whispers.
Eddie cups Buck’s jaw. “Because you deserve someone who wants to spend every waking hour of their time in your company. Because you deserve someone who wants to put in the work to make a relationship. Because I love you, and I want you to be mine,” he says softly.
Buck pretends to think about it for a second. “Okay, you have me convinced.”
Eddie rolls his eyes, but with his cheeks rosier than a raspberry, it doesn’t really have the effect he wants. Buck takes his hand and kisses it, feeling like forever is finally here.