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Things in Eddie’s life are… going. Simply going. Since Christopher left for Texas with his Grandparents, Eddie has been living on autopilot. If you asked him how they got rid of Gerrard and got Bobby his job back or how they had uncovered so much dirt on Councilwoman Ortiz that she lost her job and all its benefits which lead to Hen and Karen welcoming Mara back in their house, Eddie wouldn’t remember much. He was there, sure, and he was happy but at the same time he wasn't really present in the moment.
It has now been two months since all of this happened and Eddie is back in therapy because Bobby took one look at him his first day back and with just an eyebrow lift made him understand that he had to go back. It was… going. It was difficult like therapy always is but it’s helping, so Eddie keeps going.
The last two months have been filled with revelations in therapy; his grief had made romanticize basically his entire relationship with Shannon - he never called her baby once in their life but suddenly a woman dressed up as her and he was calling her that, Shannon would have hated it -, he didn’t hold all the guilty about what happened but still held a big amount and maybe, last but not least, and still needs a confirmation, he isn’t straight.
Weirdly the last one was the least surprising.
The phone rings twice before Eddie untangles himself from the blankets to see who’s calling him at 2am in the middle of the week. For a second he worries something bad happened in El Paso to Christopher and they are calling him to break the news. He blinks at the phone light and reads 'No ID caller' on the screen. He breathes in and out a few times to send away the worst case scenario from his head and answers.
“Eddie!” the caller screams without even giving him the time to properly put the phone on his ear, luckily.
Buck's voice sounds happy but also slurred. There’s music in the background so Eddie guesses his friend is at a bar or something similar.
“Buck, it's 2am, what is wrong?” He asks, just a little worried. Not too much.
“How did you recognize me? It's not my phone.” Buck says surprised and Eddie can imagine him looking at the phone confused. Head tilted to the side.
“I know your voice, Buck.” he replies rolling his eyes. “Now, what do you need?” he adds sitting on his bed.
“Uhm, I'm a little bit drunk and the bartender is not letting me drive, my phone died so he let me use his to call you. I will delete the call before giving it back, we don't want him to have your number. Could you come and pick me up?” Buck rants so fast that Eddie struggles to keep up.
“Buck, first of all slow down. Second of all, where are you?” he asks, kicking the blankets off of him and stretching up.
“439 North Beverly Drive.” His friend informs him after asking the bartender for confirmation.
“Don't drink anything else, don't give them any reason to kick you out, I'll be there as fast as I can.” Eddie sighs, picking a pair of jeans and a sweater out his closet.
“Thank you Eds.” Is the last thing Buck says before hanging up to give the phone back to the owner.
Eddie calls an Uber while getting dressed and refreshing his face. He stuffs some things in a bag and walks outside. The moment he turns around and locks the door, the realization that he just walked out of the house in the middle of the night without thinking of his son sleeping in his room because he is miles away in another state hits him like a bucket of cold water and for a second all he wants to do is walk back inside, lay down on his son’s empty bed and cry himself to sleep. It wouldn’t be the first time he does in the past month or so. But Buck is stranded at some random bar and he called him to pick him up so it’s what he will do.
The Uber ride to the bar is pretty fast since not many cars are out in the middle of night during the week.
The bar's loud music make his ear buzz as soon as he walks inside. He starts looking around searching for his best friend in the crowd. He spots him still sitting at the counter animatedly telling something to the bartender that is clearly not listening with attention but finding Buck funny.
“Eddie!” Buck calls for him happily when he sees him walking over. “Aaron this is Eddie, Eddie this Aaron, he let me use his phone to call you.” he introduces them when Eddie arrives next to him.
“The famous Eddie. Buck was just talking about you.” The bartender, Aaron, says throwing his small towel over his shoulder.
“I hope only good things.” Eddie laughs out, rubbing the back of his neck.
“Hey, don't flirt with him!” Buck scolds him, hitting him lightly in the middle of the chest.
“Okay, Eddie, get your man out of here.” Aaron laughs leaving the two men alone.
Eddie wants to shout at him that Buck is not his man, but his mouth is shut in a little smile. Did just Buck though he was flirting with the bartender and got jealous? He shouldn't feel this smug about it, the other man, he has an actual boyfriend somewhere, but he called him to pick him up and was acting jealous of him, he is also visibly drunk so it doesn’t count, doesn’t it?. He doesn’t know what he is saying.
“Eddie, can we go home?” Buck asks softly, resting his head on his shoulder. “Please?” he adds, blinking slowly.
Eddie takes a few seconds to stare down at his friend. His curls are free and there’s a layer of sweat on his forehead that makes his birthmark shine under the neon lights.
“Let's go home.” He replies, helping him stand and putting an arm around his waist.
They arrive at Buck's jeep safely, only tripping but not falling a couple of times. Eddie finds the keys in Buck's pocket of the jacket and helps him to the passenger seat. He throws his bag in the back and goes to the driver seat.
Buck’s eyes follow every one of his moves, probably asking himself if Eddie had walked over from his house.
The walk to the elevator and apartment is a bit more difficult as Buck starts to feel really tired and Eddie has to carry more of his weight. He struggles a bit with the key and lets a small Finally once he opens the door. He makes sure Buck can use his legs and leaves him to walk inside on his own so he can lock the door behind them.
“You need to take a shower to sober up.” Eddie says putting his bag on the floor and opening the downstairs bathroom door.
“I don't like this bathroom. I want to go to my bathroom.” Buck whines walking to the stairs.
This is your bathroom too Eddie thinks, rolling his eyes but still helping his friend reach his bed upstairs. He makes sure that Buck is stable and makes his way back downstairs to prepare the couch for himself to sleep and gets changed into his pajamas again. He mutes the TV to hear his friend shower, but not a single sound comes from the room above.
He tiptoes back up to check if he has fallen asleep, instead he finds Buck sitting on the bed struggling to take off his shirt.
The idiot - affectionately - left his jacket on and it’s stopping the shirt from going up his arms.
Eddie suppresses a laugh and turns around to leave him deal with his problem.
“Eddie!” Buck calls out after sighing, clearly thinking he could have done it on his own, not knowing Eddie is standing in front of him.
“What, Buck?” Eddie asks gently after waiting a minute to pretend he was walking up the stairs.
“I think I need some help. My shirt doesn't want to leave me.” Buck explains trying to put his arms back down but ending up looking like a scarecrow.
“Here, let me help you.” Eddie says, putting Buck's shirt back down.
“Hi, handsome.” Buck smirks as soon his eyes are free.
Eddie genuinely laughs at that and focuses on helping Buck out of his clothes instead of the warm feeling blooming on his cheeks and chest.
“Okay, I'm sure you can take those off on your own.” Eddie points to Buck's boxers after he finishes taking off his jeans and Buck immediately puts his hands on the fabric to push them down.
“In the bathroom!” Eddie quickly adds turning around.
“It's not like you haven't seen me naked before.” Buck comments and even with his back at him Eddie knows he is smirking.
“Yeah, well, I know. Go take a shower.” He brushes it off and walks fast down the stairs leaving Buck laughing.
Eddie lets himself into the couch and takes a deep breath to calm his racing heart and unmutes the TV to find something to help him relax and hopefully fall asleep. He ends up stopping on a cooking channel.
He must have closed his eyes because when he opens them again Buck is sitting next to him. Hair is a little wet, curling on top. He is wearing an old LAFD shirt and a pair of gray joggers.
Eddie expected Buck to fall in bed and fall asleep as soon as he was out of the shower but it seems like he wants to talk so that’s what they are going to do, “Feeling better after the shower?” he asks, sitting properly and rubbing sleep off his eyes so he can keep a conversation.
“Am I really unlovable?” Buck asks, eyes never leaving the floor.
Eddie furrows his brows confused. What kind of things had bought Buck to think of such a question?
“What do you mean, Buck?” Eddie asks, trying to catch his eyes.
“I broke up with Tommy.” Buck answers, making eye contact and Eddie is surprised he doesn’t look sad.
“Sorry,” Eddie says, trying to stop his mind from thinking weird things. Like how happy he is. Not the moment. He clears his throat, “I knew how much you liked him.” he ends patting Buck’s knee.
“That’s the problem. I don’t think I ever really liked him that much and he certainly never really liked me that much either.” Buck starts, moving to sit sideways and bringing one leg on the couch. “I mean he never seemed interested in what I had to say. He would nod along but I would be adding the most random shit and he wouldn’t even notice I was making it up. And he would turn everything I said into some sexual innuendo even in the most inappropriate moments.” He makes a face at that, like his mind is replaying those moments for him. Eddie waits for him to say more, feeling just a little wave of anger washing over him.
“That’s awful, Buck.” Eddie offers sympathetically. Sex has never been an easy subject for him so the only thought of his partner making everything about sex sounds like a nightmare.
“I know!” Buck says, eyes wide and unclear, he is clearly still drunk despise the shower, “That’s why I broke up with him! I mean, thank you for making me realize I like men, for the kissing and the sex too, it was decent, but I don’t think you ever took me seriously or listened to me and if you can’t then.” he says, lifting his hands and shrugging. “I would have told him that’s the door but we were at his place so I had to leave.” he finishes rolling his eyes and crosses his arms on his chest.
He looks adorable.
Eddie almost chokes on air at his own thought getting a worried look from Buck. “What did he say? Tommy I mean.” He tries to play it cool, copying Buck’s position on the other side of the couch.
“He said that I was overreacting, that he listened to me plenty and it’s not his fault what I was saying wasn’t serious, which most times it was by the way, and that there were better ways I could use my mouth and things would be all good between us.” Buck’s face is twisted in something similar to disgust and Eddie’s anger is shadowed by his fear that his friend is gonna be sick right there on the couch. “So I asked him if there was anything else, anything at all, that he found interesting about me that wasn’t how good I am in bed. Which I know I am, thank you very much, and he didn’t answer, can you believe it? That’s when I left, I mean his silence means he is only interested in my qualities in bed. It seems nobody can ever be interested in me beyond sex.” He finishes, eyes watering ever so slightly.
If it wasn’t that Buck clearly still needs him there Eddie would probably go to have a very animated talk with Tommy. Instead he swears to himself that he will never talk to that man again.
How can you be lucky to have Evan Buckley in front of you, willing to build a relationship with you with the only condition that you show more interest in him outside off the sheets and you manage to fuck that up? It’s the easiest thing ever, Eddie has been doing it for years. Damn, Frank would be proud to know Eddie is admitting that to himself at least.
“You are not unlovable.” Eddie lets the words slip out of his mouth and watches carefully as Buck’s eyes go from sad to soft.
“You really think so?” Buck asks, hope clear in his voice.
Eddie’s heart squeezes in his chest. “Yeah, you will find someone that loves you, sex or no sex, rants about random stuff and all.”
I do love you. The squeeze on his heart on the side of being painful. He could say it, Buck will think it’s a platonic I love you, he would say it back, but the thing is that it wouldn’t be platonic for Eddie. Not anymore. Not in a while maybe.
Eddie may still be confused about his sexuality, but about loving Buck in a no-platonic way? That is the only thing he is sure of nowadays. Another thing Eddie denied to Frank, but admitted to himself as soon as he got home. He didn’t like to let the other man win the made up competition Eddie created in his own mind. Eddie also knows that Frank knows.
Buck ducks his head down and smiles. Soft and beautiful.
Damn, maybe Eddie is the drunk one because his thoughts are really running wild tonight.
“Can you kiss me?” Buck says, looking at him through his lashes.
Maybe a kiss would answer many of the questions Eddie has in his head; is he really not straight? Does he really like men? How would it feel to kiss another man? How would it feel to kiss Buck? Are his lips as soft and full as they look? After all, a kiss opened a whole new word to Buck, it could do the same to him. If only the man he wants to kiss wasn’t still visibly drunk.
Eddie sighs. “No, Buck, I can't kiss you.” He replies softly with a small sad smile.
“Yeah, of course you can't, you are straight.” Buck comments, chuckling a little embarrassed, taking his leg off the couch and passing a hand on his face. “I should go get some sleep.” He says getting up.
Eddie would, should, reach out and stop him, tell him he is not straight anymore, never actually was. That he was taught it was wrong of him to be anything else. But he finds himself glued to his spot on the couch.
He can’t come out to his best friend while he is drunk and might not remember the next day. He will tell Buck when the time is right.
“Goodnight.” He says instead and gets a little wave back before Buck goes up the stairs.
He waits until he hears the gentle snores before letting himself slide on the couch until he is laying on it. “I can't kiss you because you are still drunk and it wouldn't be fair to you because you wouldn't remember.” he confesses in a whisper before letting sleep catch up with him.
~
The sun is shining through the big windows of Buck’s loft when Eddie wakes up. He looks at the time from his phone, it is past nine, but considering the fact that his sleep was cut short by the call he is not surprised he overslept his usual time. He still woke up in time for his mom's daily morning text telling what Christopher’s activities will be and around what time he can try to call him.
His neck cracks when he moves it as he sits up. God, Buck’s couch is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
A groan from the bed reminds him why he was sleeping on Buck’s awful couch in the first place instead of his comfortable bed. The 2am call, the drive to the bar, Buck acting jealous of him, finding out about Buck breaking up with Tommy reassuring him that he is lovable and being asked to kiss him and his awkward silence after. Buck can’t think he is being awkward so he will act like nothing happened.
Like the idea of kissing Buck isn’t burned on his brain. He will be a good friend and ignore it as long as he can
He stands up and goes to the kitchen, filling two glasses with water and getting an aspirin ready next to one of the two so it’s already there for when Buck comes down.
It takes the other man a few more minutes before he makes his way downstairs, head between his hands, barely squinting his eyes to see so he doesn’t fall.
“Good morning.” Eddie greets, keeping his tone low not to bother Buck’s headache.
Buck stops in his tracks and looks up at him, eyes a little wide. “You are still here.” he sounds genuinely surprised to see him, Eddie’s laugh dies in his throat.
Did he give Buck the impression he was leaving last night?
“Of course I’m.” He says pushing the glass and aspirin towards Buck's direction to hint him to take it. “Should I have left?” He asks frowning. Buck has to know he was gonna stay to make sure he was okay in the morning.
“Uh, I just… I just thought…” Buck is still standing at the end of the stairs, his curls going in every direction, there's the sign of the pillow crease on his cheek. He shakes his head, “You know, never mind.” He finishes walking towards the table and taking the aspirin and drinking the water all in one long gulp.
Eddie should let it go, but he doesn’t want to. He stayed silent far too many times. “Buck, come on.” He says and it comes out softer than he intended.
Buck looks down at his now empty glass, sighs and takes a seat directly in front of Eddie, “I thought you’d be angry at me.” He confess.
“Why would I be angry at you?” Eddie chuckles because honestly there's nothing Buck could do that would make him get angry at him.
Buck's cheek turn pink then and his eyes look away from Eddie. “Because I asked you to kiss me last night and you kind of froze.” he explains.
Eddie breaths in and out, he has to explain why, “Yeah, I kind of did, didn't I?” he says and Buck uhms in response. Eddie sighs, this is not how he planned to come out to his best friend about his sexuality and his feelings, but he owns Buck to be honest, “We have to talk, but can we please brush our teeth first?” he asks getting up to retrieve his toothbrush form his bag. Buck gives him a confused look, then is eyes go a little wide like his brain connected the dots and he nods making his way up the stairs to his bathroom while Eddie goes to the one downstairs.
Eddie brushes his teeth and gives himself a pep talk to the mirror, he's got this.
When he comes off the bathroom, Buck is already in the kitchen, washing some plates, he walks over and takes one from the rank to dry it off. Buck jumps a little in surprise.
“This isn't exactly how I imagined to tell you this, but you deserve to know why I froze up last night.” He starts and Buck inhales but doesn't stop washing the dishes. “I've been figuring stuff out since Bobby sent me back to therapy and one of this things is that I'm not straight.” he puts a plate away and takes another one to dry, “I think I'm gay, but I'm still working on a label or whatever. Gay would definitely explain a lot of stuff form teenage years though, so I really think that's the one.” Buck passes him another plate without a single word or even a surprised noise at the big revelation. “Anyway, last night when you asked me to kiss I froze because I would be laying if I said I've never thought about kissing you since I figured out I'm gay and in love with you, but you were drunk and it wouldn't have been the first kiss I imagined and it wouldn't have been right by you because you might wouldn't even remember it.” there's a hand on his wrist that makes him stop talking and drying the plate that was dry minutes ago.
He breaths deeply and finally looks up to his best friend, his heart racing in his chest, he just said a lot more than he thought he would. Oh well, there's no going back now.
Buck's eyes are the softest he has ever seen them when they look at him, “You are in love with me?” he asks teasing with a note of insecurity underneath.
Eddie would love to have a word with every person that made him doubt that he can be loved romantically “Yes, Buck, I am, no doubt, in love with you. I actually may have been since the moment I saw you, and I've been falling in love with you every day since because you make it so easy to love you.” he repeats with more confidence. It's easy to repeat it after saying it once, he thinks he will enjoy saying it every day if Buck lets him.
Buck's face breaks in a smile so bright and contagious that makes Eddie smile as well, “If that's so I think I should repeat my question from last night.” he says smirking while taking the dishcloth from Eddie's hands and walking even more into his personal space.
Eddie chuckles, “Go head.”
The first touch of Buck's hands on his waist feels electric he wanders how he will survive what's coming, “Can you kiss me?” Buck asks in a whisper, so close to him that Eddie feels his breaths on his face.
Eddie does not start crying at that, but it's a close thing. Instead he finally moves his hands to frame Buck's face, his thumb caressing gently over the birthmark before moving the hand on the back of Buck's head to bring him down to him.
Their lips are gentle, Buck lets him set the pace, melting into him and holding on to Eddie's waist like that's the only thing holding him upright right now.
Somehow the kiss it's exactly how Eddie imagined it and nothing like it at the same time. It doesn't make sense, he knows, but it's not like he can really think clearly while he is finally kissing Evan Buckley. His best friend, his work partner, his and Christopher's Buck, the easiest person to love after his son. His brain became jello the moment their lips connected and every coherent thought was gone.
Buck's the one to break the kiss, “I didn't say it back.” he breath out patting a hand on Eddie's chest to stop him from kissing him again and Eddie is big man about it and only pouts, he wants to go back to kissing, thank you very much. “I'm in love with you too, Eddie.” he confesses with a smile which Eddie kisses off of his face, making him laugh against his lips.
There's lot they will have to talk about. There's still Christopher to bring home, but for now Eddie will enjoy this one thing for himself.