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Buck felt bile rise up in his throat as Bobby told them all the little boy was about 20 feet down the big pipe. If he wasn't on shift he would be having a full blown break down but he was on shift and he couldn't afford to let go. Not when his team needed him. Not when the stuck little boy needed him. He tried his best to brush the looming dark thoughts aside and got to work, listening to the instructions that were being given.
To his relief, Eddie wasn't going to be the one doing the rescue this time. Buck would have instantly volunteered, taking his place so that he wouldn't have to relive one of the worst times of his life. Although, the alternative rescue plan wasn't any better. He felt his stomach churn as they harnessed up the little boys older brother, praying to whoever would listen that they pulled this off and both boys would be okay.
After what felt like hours, both boys were out of the pipe and safely on solid ground in the arms of their parents, and the 118 were on their way back to the station. The rescue hadn't been smooth sailing, they usually weren't, but they had finally done it and Buck could breathe a little easier, but only a little. The dark thoughts were difficult to push away now that he wasn't occupied with a rescue and he felt a building pressure in his head and chest as memories started to come through the wall he had built up.
His friends were talking but Buck couldn't hear a word they were saying. He didn't even notice they were trying to get his attention, not even Eddie bumping their arms and knees together like usual. All he could do was stare out the window and hold on to what little resolve he had left, not wanting to have a break down in front of everyone.
Just as the pressure in his head and chest started to increase the station came into view and Buck stifled back a sob of joy. As soon as they pulled into the bay he grabbed the door handle and flew out of the engine, ignoring the surprised yelps of everyone else and running straight for the shower room. Part of him knew they would follow him but he couldn't even think straight. He had to get away. He had to get out of sight.
He ran into the farthest shower stall, making a frantic attempt to close the curtain before he all but punched the shower button and fell to his knees, his body racking with sobs as the warm water washed over him.
Buck felt dazed as he recovered from the explosion that had Bobby tackling him to the ground. As the realisation of what had happened finally hit him and snapped him out of it he felt like all the air had been knocked out of his lungs. He frantically looked around, searching for the hole that Eddie had been down but he was met with nothing. Nothing but mud.
"EDDIE! EDDIE!" He screamed as he threw his body forward and started to claw at the ground, as if he was going to be able to dig his best friend out of there with his bare hands. "Eddie! No! Eddie! No!"
He felt Bobbys strong arms wrap around him and drag him away, leaving his best friend to die underground. He fell back against his captain and started to cry, terror streaming through him as he realised he couldn't get to Eddie.
"Eddie! No!" He heard someone nearby screaming, their voice getting more and more hysterical by the moment. For a second he wondered if someone else was going through what he was but he realised the screaming was coming from himself. He sobbed loudly and gasped for breath, burying his face in his hands as he sunk lower on his knees.
He was crying so loudly that he didn't hear the door open on the other side of the room. He didn't hear the footsteps making their way over to his stall. He didn't hear the shower curtain being pushed to the side and he definitely didn't hear someone step into the stall with him. He was completely oblivious until he felt someone wrap their arms around him, pulling him back into the persons chest. The arms around him tightened and he just knew who it was. It could only be one person. Eddie.
"Buck? Hey, Buck. I'm right here, Buck. I'm right here." Eddie spoke, resting his head on top of the other mans. He felt Buck tense in his arms before his friend relaxed, melting back into him. "Let it all out. I've got you."
So Buck did just that. He let all the pain he had been bottling up over the years pour out of him and he continued to sob, this time turning his head so he could bury his face in Eddies shoulder. He didn't know how long they stayed there for, his cries filling the air along with the sound of the running shower and Eddie comforting him, but after a while the sobs subsided and his mind started to become clearer. The memories started to fade away the more he concentrated on the warm body wrapped around him, grounding him.
Eddie didn't say a word as he signalled that he was okay to get up. All he did was stand up and help Buck to his feet, keeping one arms wrapped around him while he turned the shower off. He led Buck out of the stall and over to a bench, gently pushing him down onto it and wrapping a big towel around him before sitting down next to him. They sat side by side in silence for a few minutes, Eddies arm still wrapped around him with no indication of it being removed. Buck was grateful. He wasn't sure he would be able to hold it together if Eddie pulled away.
"Buck, talk to me. Please? Let me help you."
Buck noticed the hint of desperation in his best friends voice and immediately felt bad. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Eddie! I didn't mean to worry you. I didn't mean to!"
"Buck, shh. Listen to me, you have nothing to apologise for, cariño. Nothing!"
"What about the others? Are they worried too? They probably are, aren't they. Why didn't they come in?" He asked, trying to hide his surprise at the name Eddie had called him. Buck knew what it meant. He had learnt a bit of spanish on his travels and he had made sure to learn more so he could impress Eddies Abuela and Tia Pepa. He just never expected for his friend to use a term of endearment on him.
"They wanted to, believe me. Bobby was about to break down the door to get to you but I stopped him. I figured you didn't want an audience. I wasn't even sure you wanted me in here."
"I'm glad you came in." Buck admitted, struggling to make eye contact.
"Will you tell me what that was all about? Was it the call?"
"You were buried alive, Eds. I couldn't reach you." Buck whispered after a few moments, finally daring to look up and lock eyes with the man next to him. He watched as some of the colour drained from Eddies face as he realised what Buck was talking about.
"I got out, Buck. I'm right here!"
"Eddie, I couldn't reach you." Buck whispered again, louder this time. He noticed Eddies phone on the bench next to them, guessing he had left it there before going into the stall so it wouldn't get wet. Buck was grateful he had forgotten his own phone, having left it on the table upstairs when they had gotten the call. "Give me your phone, please."
Confusion spread across Eddies face as he slowly picked up his phone and handed it to Buck. Buck could feel the intense gaze as he turned the phone a little so his friend couldn't see, pulling up youtube. It was a few moments before he found what he was looking for and he handed the phone back to Eddie, who cautiously took it back.
Buck watched nervously as Eddie clicked on the video he had pulled up. A video he himself had never been able to watch more than once. He kept his gaze on Eddies face as he listened to the news reporter explaining what happened before the sounds of his own screaming filled the air. Eddies face was unreadable as he stopped the video and put his phone back down on the bench.
Eddie took a deep breath before turning his head back towards him. "Buck... Why didn't you ever tell me? Why did no one tell me?"
"I didn't want you to know."
"But why? You've kept this from me for years, Buck. Years! All this time I had no idea how that night had affected you. You never told me. You've been suffering all this time and I didn't know!" Eddies voice cracked a little at the end.
Buck shut his eyes for a second, trying to mentally prepare himself for what he was about to admit. "Eds, I didn't tell you because I was scared."
"Scared of what?" Eddies arm loosened a little.
"Scared of telling my straight best friend how my heart felt like it had been ripped from my chest as I realised he was buried underground!" Buck exclaimed, standing up abruptly and walking over to the sinks. He placed his hands on either side of the sink and hung his head. He didn't dare look back behind him. "Scared of my straight best friend realising how much I love him. How much I'm in love with him! I was scared, Eddie! I'm still scared!"
Buck waited for a reply but was met with silence, which was very out of character for his best friend who always had something to say. He stood up straight and gathered up the courage to turn back around. He gasped as he came face to face with Eddie, not having heard the other man get up from the bench.
Eddie was merely a few inches away, so close that Buck could feel the mans warm, minty breath against his own face.
"Say it again."
"What?"
"Say it again, Buck. Say it." Eddie repeated, an unreadable expression on his face.
"I... I'm in love with you." He spoke softly, unable to look away from the hazel eyes gazing up at him.
He didn't know who started it, it was all a bit of a blur, but suddenly warm lips were on his and the rest of the world ceased to exist. Their lips moved together in perfect sync, like puzzle pieces fitting together. Buck didn't feel the fireworks that other people claimed to feel. He didn't even feel butterflies. Kissing Eddie didn't feel like anything he had experienced before. None of the kisses he'd had in the past even came close to kissing Eddie. Kissing Eddie felt like coming up for air after being pulled under by the strong current of the sea. Kissing Eddie felt like having a nice hot chocolate on a cold winters day, the beverage warming every inch of your body the more you drank. Kissing Eddie felt like coming home.
Buck whined as Eddie pulled away, although he was grateful the other man didn't pull back very far. Instead he reached up and cupped his face with his hands, uttering the words Buck never thought he would hear. Words he had only dreamed of. "Buck, I'm in love with you too."