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It kept him up at night sometimes. Something always did, but this was one reoccurring thought.
All of them mourned the many young heroes who'd been lost in the fight. Not one day went by without at least someone on each team remembering one of theirs who were no longer there. The countless child heroes now in the world, too many dead. It wasn't rare to mourn them, for them to be brought up.
What was less thought about was whose fault it was. Sure, blame had been thrown around right after it happened, sometimes people turning on each other but mostly on whichever villain they'd been fighting at the time.
Dick knew the truth of who was really responsible when it came down to it.
He'd been the first. The first child sidekick, the youngest hero to put themselves in danger. It wasn't long before others joined in, inspired by him. Every new young hero could eventually be traced back to being inspired by him in some way or another. He took that responsibility seriously even if others never agreed it was his to begin with.
Every loss was his fault. If he'd inspired all of those young heroes, then he'd been the one to lead them down that path to their premature deaths. If he said it aloud to anyone, they'd steadfastly deny it, reassure him it wasn't his fault, but it was. Why did he deserve to live when he'd been the one to kill the others who came after him?
There'd been so many times he'd been in trouble, not meant to live through the ordeal but he had, sometimes at the cost of another. He wasn't worth it. Not when he had so many deaths on his hands, so many teens who he'd not only inspired but personally mentored, dead.
One night, he'd panicked when he couldn't remember all their names, there was so many. He'd had to find a notepad and write down all of the names. With each one, each new page filled, he'd only gotten more distraught.
That list was tucked away in the very back of the bottom drawer of his drawer. He pulled it out sometimes, to add another name.
He never forgot any of the names after that.
He never forgot just how many people were dead because of him, while he still lived on.