Chapter Text
Dazai Osamu is many things.
Mori, their manager on leave, calls him a natural prodigy. A prodigy at making messes and getting others to clean up for him, that is. Kunikida prefers the term “bandage-squandering machine”. Dazai’s loving kouhais refer to him as “Dazai-senpai” and suck up to him as though the sun shines out of his ass. Chuuya, personally, sticks to simple names like “enemy of all women” and “tacky bastard”, but more often than not just “shitty Dazai”. Point is, everyone with a sane mind can agree that Dazai is difficult to be around. Annoying as fuck. Worst colleague ever. He has a secret special ability that makes everyone around him question their life choices and resist the extremely tempting urge to murder him. Chuuya calls it “No Longer Human”, because Dazai Osamu is clearly not human. He refuses to believe that millions of years of evolution has led humanity to this bastard of a being.
When Dazai first joined the cafe (because God hates Chuuya), Chuuya had a drawn-out fight with him that destroyed half the counter and left most of the plates in ceramic pieces. Kunikida, who is acting as manager on Mori’s behalf, said it was as though a second Chuuya, with twice the trickery and half the strength, had joined them, although Chuuya strongly refuses to be even remotely associated with that shitty piece of bandage-wasting garbage. Kyouka came up with a dark nickname for their duo—Soukoku, “Double Black”—as befitting of her rather morbid outlook on the world. In all her fourteen-year-old wisdom, she pointed out that Chuuya is already a force of evil, and Dazai more obviously so, thus both of them combined will be world-shattering. Chuuya thinks Kunikida’s world is already shattered, given as how Dazai is represents the exact opposite of all Kunikida’s ideals, but he wisely chose to keep silent as Kunikida lets out a mournful yell of rage only a man who has spent ungodly amounts of time with one Dazai Osamu can comprehend.
He wishes he could go back to the time when the cafe only had five non-shitty members of staff: Kunikida, their acting manager; Chuuya, the coffee-maker; Akutagawa, the human dishwasher; Atsushi, the cashier; and Kyouka, the little waitress. Atsushi is the only one allowed to interact with customers because he is the only one that can remain smiling in this blasted hellhole, and Kunikida does not want to exploit Kyouka because he is against child labor. He also makes Kyouka arrange the food and drinks meticulously in a specific order on the tray every single time and maintain it that way until she reaches the customers’ tables, because apparently he is against child labor. Kyouka is also the one who flips their calendar and updates the schedule Kunikida pasted on the wall, which nobody but Kunikida follows. She seems to be the busiest, even though the cafe has a policy against child labor, but nobody comments on it to preserve whatever is left of Kunikida’s fragile ideals. That is, until God decided that Chuuya’s life was not miserable enough and sent Dazai along.
“Why is Kyouka-chan our waitress?” Dazai questions in that annoyingly Dazai voice of his, putting too much fucking whipped cream and four extra spoons of sugar in the customer’s cappuccino. Chuuya snatches the spoon from his hands and glares at Dazai with animosity. “How much sugar are you going to put in there? This is coffee, not a kid’s soda!” Leave it to Dazai to not only steal his job but also do it horribly. Chuuya never fails to be amazed at just how shitty one human being can be.
“Not everyone drinks coffee black like you and your emo gang.” Dazai rolls his eyes, taking a packet of sugar from the cabinet and pouring the whole thing in while Chuuya watches in horror. Akutagawa’s ears immediately perk up, and then Dazai’s #1 fan tilts his head questioningly. “I thought black coffee is a symbol of strength.”
Chuuya glares at a slightly sheepish Dazai with even more intensity. “What are you teaching the kid?”
“Speaking of kids, shouldn’t we get another waitress?” Dazai points out. Smooth subject change, Chuuya has to give it to him, because he just diverted everyone’s attention to poor Kyouka running around and trying to give everyone their orders during this peak hour. “Kyouka-chan looks tired. Hey, Chuuya, why don’t you become a waitress too? You’ll certainly fit in with Kyouka-chan, height-wise at least—”
Chuuya punches him, or at least attempts to, instead hitting the cabinet behind Dazai and hearing the clash of a dozen glasses. What Dazai lacks in strength, he clearly makes up for in agility, because God favors Dazai more than Chuuya. He dodges another array of fists to his face and almost trips over the carpet. With a cacophony of crashes around them, Chuuya raises his fist again to ruin Dazai’s pretty face before hearing a low growl behind them.
“What. Is. Going. On?” Kunikida demands with a scowl, his eyebrows knitted together like a disappointed teacher’s. “Chuuya. Dazai. Explain yourselves.”
“We disagreed on a little something. I suggested that Kyouka-chan should have a little helper,” Dazai chirps, pointing a finger at the poor teenager who is currently handing coffee-flavored sugar to Edogawa Ranpo, one of the cafe’s regulars. “Being a waitress is a busy job, you see. Maybe we can get Chuuya to do it. Get him to wear one of those dresses, too.”
“You little—”
“Oh Chuuya’s mad now, but I predict that you’ll end up wearing one anyway. Wanna bet?” Dazai smirks, and it’s one of those Dazai expressions that scream “I’m right and you know it”. Chuuya has no fucking clue what makes him say that, but he hates it anyway.
“No, we need Chuuya’s coffee expertise,” Kunikida shuts down Dazai’s proposal with professionalism, logical as always. Chuuya has never been more grateful for his ability to brew a good cup of coffee. Dazai pouts. “I still think we should have another waitress. Preferably one that is willing to commit double suicide with me. Look at poor Kyouka-chan, working so hard—”
“Kyouka is working hard, and you two still have the time to chit-chat,” Kunikida growls. “Stop fooling around and hurry up with your orders.”
Although he acts angry, Chuuya knows that he must have taken Dazai’s words to heart, because he is soon scribbling down something in that “ideals” notebook he is always carrying around. After the cafe closes, everyone is asked to gather for a staff meeting, the first meeting they would have after Mori went on leave to take his precious Elise-chan to London. Akutagawa grumbles about having to spend more time around “jinko”, but sits down quietly when Dazai does, showing that his yearning for Dazai’s approval is still greater than his hatred for Dazai’s #2 fan. As the acting manager, Kunikida pulls out the usual whiteboard and leads the discussion.
“We have two problems that I aim to fix before Mori-san’s return. First, we are not earning enough profit. With an additional staff member as well as numerous necessary cafe renovations, our revenue is spent to the point where little profit is being earned. Second, it has come to my attention that we are in need of additional staff members, more specifically a helper for Kyouka—”
“All I’m hearing is that all our problems will be solved if we kicked shitty Dazai out and replaced him with someone actually fucking useful,” Chuuya interrupts.
“How could you suggest such a thing— I will kill you!” Dazai’s #1 fan declares.
“Dazai-senpai may laze around sometimes, but firing him is going a bit too far,” Dazai’s #2 fan stammers out at the same time.
“Chuuya, language,” Kunikida chides, focusing on that part instead of all the other important stuff. He gestures to Kyouka. “There are children around.”
“Said child does more work than Dazai ever will,” Chuuya says with a scowl. “As his former roommate, I know how he is more than any of you do. He’s a headache at home, a nightmare at school and a literal demon at anything work-related. Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” he huffs angrily. “Let’s fire shitty Dazai and replace him with someone like Kyouka.”
Dazai gasps like the dramatic asshole he is. “Are you saying you want more child labor?”
Fucking bastard, putting words into his mouth— “No, I’m saying that we need to hire someone useful with our limited budget!”
“Shut up!” Kunikida screams. His hair seems to be getting thinner by the day and Chuuya could’ve sworn he saw a few white strands. “If anyone has any actual, feasible ideas, I would love to hear them,” he says through gritted teeth. Chuuya thinks his idea is perfectly reasonable, but apparently Kunikida is set on keeping a dead weight around the cafe. Not for the first time, Chuuya wonders if God or whatever deities in the heavens above hates him.
“We could raise our prices,” Atsushi suggests. Kunikida shakes his head. “Good suggestion, but I fear we cannot afford to risk losing customers.”
“What if we raised them all by 99 yen? It gives the illusion of a small change in price, yet allows us to earn much more,” Akutagawa says, eyes darting furtively at Dazai as though expecting the bandage-waster to praise him. Unbeknownst to Dazai’s #1 fan, the dark-haired man was way too busy kicking Chuuya’s feet under the table to pay attention to what anyone is saying. Chuuya, although he knows he is playing right into Dazai’s hands, kicks back with twice the ferocity, and soon they are trying to wrench each other’s shoes off while pretending that everything is normal above the table. Chuuya hopes his smile does not look forced as he says, “That can work, Akutagawa, but we still need someone to help with Kyouka’s workload.”
“I’m fine, really,” Kyouka insists. “I can handle the work.”
“It’s not fair that you’re doing twice the work Dazai will ever do,” Chuuya retorts. Atsushi nods in agreement, patting Kyouka’s head as though she’s his little sister. To him, she probably is.
“I have a roommate that’s looking for a part-time job. Not a beautiful woman who is willing to commit double suicide with me, but is definitely a hard worker like Kyouka-chan,” Dazai suddenly says, making Chuuya’s eyebrows shoot up. How did that asshole get a new roommate? Chuuya made his displeasure at Dazai very fucking clear to all their mutual acquaintances when he moved out, and he knows that Dazai, social misfit as he is, does not have many acquaintances he is on good terms with. Chuuya cannot think of anyone he knows that is willing to room with Dazai even if offered a million yen, for good reason, so how did he get a new roommate? Chuuya has to meet them. If they agreed to room with Dazai, they are either using him or a psycho or both. It is absolutely essential that Chuuya vets them to ensure they will not conspire against the world together with Dazai.
Of course, this is not because he gives a shit about Dazai’s wellbeing, or because he—for whatever reason—does not enjoy having someone being close enough to Dazai to live with him, but because Chuuya is trying to protect the world. He does not want Dazai and the other person to become a new “Soukoku”. If anything, Dazai’s naive diehard fans deserve that title. Their fights are almost as frequent as Chuuya and Dazai’s, except with a lot less property destruction and less screaming from Kunikida. It seems they still have much to learn—in terms of how to give Kunikida the most white hairs—from the original Soukoku.
“Great. Tell your roommate to come over for an interview. We’ll work out the details later,” Kunikida says. He checks “Problem 1” and “Problem 2” off the whiteboard and writes down “Mori’s Message” in handwriting neat enough to be considered a text font. Note to self, if his printer is ever broken, Chuuya should ask Kunikida to be a human typewriter for him. A box that Chuuya has aptly named the Origin of Hell is taken out of the cabinet by Kunikida’s arms, and he could hear everyone sans Dazai collectively gasp. As though regretting all his life decisions, Kunikida painstakingly conveys Mori’s message to the group.
“Next, Mori-san has asked us to carry out new cafe events in his absence. We recently had the Valentine’s Day themed event, which is a nightmare I do not want to think about again, but this is Mori-san’s order. As our newest staff member, Dazai, why don’t you pick the theme we should do for our next event?”
Everyone watches with bated breath as Dazai approaches the Origin of Hell. The Valentine event was, for lack of a better term, hell. The theme was “Pink Hearts”. Mori forced everyone to dress in pink, including himself, and Chuuya has still not recovered from the memory of Mori Ougai in a pink suit, making finger hearts at a customer. Atsushi seemed to detest the color pink more than Akutagawa had, saying that it reminded him of his bitter childhood medicine. Akutagawa called him weak, and then the resulting fight left both their suits more brown than pink. Those were rented suits. Suffice to say, Chuuya did not think that Mori would be eager to have another such event this soon, but apparently raking in money takes priority over his sanity. He asks the heavens why they hate him so much and receives no reply. Chuuya could only take that to mean God is laughing at his misery.
Slowly, as though savoring the moment, Dazai picks out a folded slip of paper from the Origin of Hell. Even Kunikida’s hands are trembling as Dazai straightened the paper and begins to read it out. “The theme is ‘Maid Cafe’.”
Chuuya throws a cup at Dazai. Kunikida looks constipated. Akutagawa and Atsushi are frozen to the spot, eyes widening in horror as they slowly become ice statues. Kyouka is the only one who seems unbothered, keeping a perfect poker face even as Chuuya picks up another cup and throws it at Dazai.
Maid Cafe? Really? Shitty Dazai could not have picked literally anything else? What has Chuuya done for God to hate him so much?
As the only one still smiling in this hellish, world-ending situation, Dazai chirps gleefully, “Well, Chuuya, I look forward to seeing you in a maid costume!”
Chuuya is seconds away from throwing a chair at his smarmy face.
Dazai Osamu is many things. The worst roommate Chuuya has ever had, which is why Chuuya kicked him out and kind of has never regretted it. Source of all Chuuya’s frowns. Origin of all Chuuya’s white hairs. Least lucky person ever, at least when it comes to drawing slips of paper for the next cafe event theme.
Point is: Chuuya does not know what he has done to deserve the punishment of having Dazai fucking Osamu’s presence in his otherwise perfect, peaceful life.